Hey guys! Hope you're doing well and enjoying the story so far. Please review, follo and favorit if you do. This kind of deals with some heavy stuff in this chapter, so you've been warned. I do not own MHA nor characters used. Enjoy!


1.26

I hate sleeping now. I try to stay up as late as I possibly can but...It's too hard. I dream terribly. I dream about him and that makes me awfully sad. Last night, I dreamt that I was in a hospital bed. The room was dark and I couldn't move. Suddenly, the door opened and… There he was. This bright orange glow around him like he was some spirit. He walked towards me, got on top of my hips, burning my flesh as his hands snaked around my neck. My skin sizzled but I felt like I had no need to scream so I didn't. He squeezed my throat, looked me in the eyes with such silence, I wanted to wrap my hands around his wrists just so I could feel him. His eyes looked so red, like little flames. I had the taste of aspirin in my mouth and I started to die. The most awful thing about that was that it felt good. To die, seeing him, feeling his aura as the light in my eyes began to fade. I wasn't scared, I was joyous… That's why my dreams worry me.

But my phone began to ring, and I woke up. It was Toyomitsu, calling me while he was on a late shift. I sounded mad, but it was probably just because I was so tired. Or maybe I hate the fact that this man is too grown, and seems to have everything together. But I talked to him longer than I should have on a school night. I've been shaking my pill bottle at night. Thinking about how many are in there just by the noise (twenty-seven), and how many it would take to kill me. To feel that sweet heat in my throat. I'm going to rip this page out before I see Ms Kayama. I don't want to talk about it. I want to sleep and not dream. I want a lot of things but, I don't think I'll get them while I'm here. I think coming to this town was a mistake.

This happened. This happened today and Kirishima couldn't believe it. That he found himself here once again. He stared at himself, shirtless in the mirror, frowning at his reflection. Going over his mouth, nose, eyes, the new color in his hair. God, what a stupid idea. The smell of copper running into the sink. He looked so tired and pale. Knowing that all that strength that he had mustered, all that work he had put into himself was never real. That all those fears and anxieties he had were real and would always be rooted in his reality. And that lastly, he would always be the pathetic coward he started off as. It started like how most things started for Kirishima. After school.

Bakugou had given Kirishima a note without saying anything to him. Without even looking at him. Bakugou just sat it on Kirishima's desk as he left the classroom like some sort of phantom. When Kirishima quickly put it in his lap before anyone could question him about it. He went to the school bathroom and sat on a toilet in the stall. He opened the note, he was sad to admit his heart skipped a beat.

I'll be at your house tonight at six. Keep the door unlocked if you want me to come by.

He knew it would be a bad idea if he let Bakugou come over. But that quiet gesture, and the way he wrote the note. In those nice cursive letters that swooped and swirled in black ink. A short message the Bakugou would hand out. It all made Kirishima's heart beat faster, like a schoolgirl. How he missed Bakugou as well. Not seeing his feet propped on the coffee table, to smell the ash from his cigarettes, to feel those large arms drape around Kirishima's shoulders. If this note meant getting all of that back in some way then he'd follow the instructions. So Kirishima went home. He changed his clothes, washed his face, and sat on the couch as he watched the time. Waiting for six o'clock to roll around. It was agonizing. But once he heard that doorknob turn, he turned off the television, he hopped up, brushed his bangs out of his eyes and put his hands behind his back.

Bakugou opened the door like he had never left. The look he gave was so familiar. The brows furrowed, the lips downward, and no crinkles in the face. Perfectly smooth. It took Kirishima's breath away. That gorgeous look kept him silent. The both of them were quiet for sometime, staring each other down awkwardly. Bakugou didn't take off his shoes. He rubbed the back of his neck and turned his head to the side. Bakugou pointed at him. Kirishima's eyes glowed.

"Your hair… it's… different." Bakugou muttered.

"It's been different for awhile now. I think it looks alright." Kirishima said, twisting his locks between his fingers.

"Right."

"... It's nice to see you. You look good. I can never get a good look at you now at my new desk."

"Right…"

Kirishima fidgeted with his hands and breathed out deeply. The small talk wouldn't cut it. Not while Kirishima's heart was racing. Kirishima nervously chuckled and scratched his cheek.

"Do you want to sit down? Talk for a little bit?"

"No, no. Not really." Bakugou said and stuffed his hands in his pockets.

"Then why did you even want to come here if you didn't want to talk?" Kirishima asked and took a step forward towards Bakugou. Bakugou stepped back. That worried Kirishima, "Bakugou…"

"I just want to stop by to give you this."

Bakugou pulled his hand out of his pocket and held out a key. Kirishima tilted his head and walked forward. His eyebrows raised.

"That's… that's my house key," Kirishima muttered, "Why are you giving this to me?"

"So you know I'm serious about this situation. Here, take it." Bakugou nudged his hand, but now Kirishima stepped back. Scared. This wasn't going as expected.

Kirishima shook his head slowly, "No."

"I'm not keeping it, Kirishima. You either take it or I just drop it off here, but it's not coming home with me."

"I said no."

"Kirishima, I'm not coming back here again-"

"Why?!" Kirishima gripped the collar of his shirt tightly, "You used to come here all the time. You loved coming here. Didn't you?"

"Kirishima-"

"You liked stopping by after school. You liked spending the night here… we did everything here."

"Kiri-"

"Stop! Stop saying my name like that. Don't tell me that's all you wanted to do here? Was to drop off a stupid key? Are you kidding me? Sometimes I think you're the dumbest guy on Earth," Kirishima bit his lip, "Don't you want to say you're sorry to me for what you said?"

Bakugou curled his hand around the key. He sighed, he seemed so different now. Like he had told himself all day long that he would be calm, that he wouldn't let his ego get in the way or yell and call names. He was going to repeat Kirishima's name as often as he could to remind Kirishima that he was human. That he would get to the point and have it be just that. But that was never him, and it wasn't what Kirishima was used to, it wasn't what he knew. The change was frightening. He put the key on an end table near the door. He walked towards Kirishima and put his hands on his shoulders. Kirishima felt like his soul could leave his body now. What Bakugou would say though would make his body feel heavy like a rock.

"No. I'm not goin' to apologize," Bakugou said, looking down on Kirishima. He turned his head, but of course Bakugou had to grip Kirishima's chin. Kirishima's stomach was in knots,"Kirishima, I'm dropping off that key and then I'm goin' to do everything in my power to make sure you never see me. And that's how it is."

Kirishima shook his head quickly and wriggled out of Bakugou's grasp on him. Why was he like this? That's what upset Kirishima the most, that he finally got him to be in his home again. Have him talking to him, looking at him. All so Bakugou could act like someone else. Kirishima lowered his head. He didn't want Bakugou to see him cry. He wanted his tears to roll back into his head.

"But I don't want that, Bakugou," Kirishima breathed, "I-I thought that note meant you'd finally come to your senses… that you'd want to try again… that you didn't mean all those things you said."

Bakugou ran his fingers through his hair, "I know. I knew you'd think somethin' stupid like that. But I didn't know how else to do this," Bakugou licked his lips. He seemed so serious. A real seriousness that Kirishima had never seen before in a single person, "Kirishima, I've realized since my mom died that the best thing I could do for you after telling you how I felt is by staying away from you."

Kirishima angrily chuckled and crossed his arms, "That's a dumb idea. Such an idiotic, moronic, idea. I still love you."

"And that's why I can't be with you. That's why you can't be around me," Bakugou again went for Kirishima's shoulders, "All I would do is hurt you again and again. Kirishima… I'm not going to love you back the same way you love me.That's just the guy I am… and you don't deserve that anymore."

"But I love you for who you are," Kirishima presses his hands to Bakugou's chest. Being so close to him, giving him such a pitiful look. He had missed that body, "I want to make it work, I want to make you feel better."

"Kirishima, I'm always going to be fine. As long as you've known me, I'm always going to be fine. But you, you won't be. Not while I'm around. You have to understand."

"But I don't," Kirishima's eyes started to water, pulling at Bakugou's shirt, wanting to get a piece of him, "I'm willing to do anything for you."

"Then why won't you let me go?"

Where did all this insight come from? What happened to the old Bakugou when his mother died? Did he leave and another person took his place? Or did Bakugou simply evolve and grow out of that angst-filled skin he occupied.Kirishima wouldn't know that part of the story, especially now. This was all an act, Bakugou knew he had to do this right. As properly as he thought he could do. Kirishima had the right to be properly broken up with, and Bakugou couldn't hurt him one last time. It wouldn't be fair. But it wasn't fair to leave Kirishima confused and left to his own devices.

Bakugou patted Kirishima's back. Giving it a nice up and down rub. He let Kirishima stay buried in his chest. But Bakugou had to stay on his ground and continue as he stabbed daggers in Kirishima's chest.

"If you call. I won't answer the phone. I have no problem losing our friends. They like you better anyway so I won't be around them. I asked if I could move to an advanced class because of my grades. I'll probably be out by the end of the week. Shinso will probably be able to be in 1-A finally now because of that," He wanted to say something that might make Kirishima happy, but that wasn't going to happen, "Kirishima, you have to move on from me. And I'm goin' to do everything in my power so that happens. I won't be any good to you."

"You're talking out of your ass right now," Kirishima muttered, he kept his head on Bakugou's chest,but then lightly punched it, "You're talking as if you're sacrificing yourself for me. But you're being selfish and trying to dress this up in pretty words. I could have been just fine if you just never talked to me again instead of doing this."

"No, you wouldn't," Bakugou played with Kirishima's hair. Probably a bad move on his part but it could be helped, "You'd be miserable."

"And you don't think I'm miserable right now?"

"You've been miserable your whole life. You've been an overthinking, anxious mess. You don't need someone like me in your life," Bakugou put his hands on Kirishima's cheeks, lifting up his head, "You deserve someone better than me. Someone so much better than me."

But who was better than Bakugou Katsuki? Truely, who was as abrasive as him, who was as strong and smart as him? Who had their own little world and would let Kirishima into it? The look in Bakugou's eyes of pure passion and ecstasy. Who would take whatever they want and not care about the damage they'd cause. Who had these qualities that Kirishima looked up to like a God? No one, as far as Kirishima knew. Kirishima closed his eyes tightly. He gripped the sides of Bakugou's head and kissed him deeply. The kiss didn't seem to surprise Bakugou at all, he must have expected that this could happen as a last-ditch effort.

Bakugou was now pressed against the door, as Kirishima raked his fingers through Bakugou's hair. Bakugou's eyes simply lowered, if he closed his eyes completely, his plan would be ruined. The connection of kissing felt good for the both of them. Kirishima pulled away, giving little kisses to his lips frequently as tears started to roll down his cheeks. His hands moved down to cup Bakugou's jaw. Hoping somehow the emotions he was feeling would flow into Bakugou.

"Please tell me this is all a lie," Kirishima said through wet lips, now moving to Bakugou's sweet neck, "Tell me that you've grown and this was your way of showing it. Admit to me that you've loved me and you want to try it again. Please… please."

Bakugou tore Kirishima's hands off of him. Holding on to his wrists as Kirishima waited for an answer. Bakugou sighed, he ran his thumb under Kirishima's eye. Looking into his pupils, seeing all of the damage he had caused for once and coming to terms with it. He was seeing all of his destructiveness in Kirishima's looks. He brushed hair out of Kirishima's face before pulling away. He turned the knob to the door and opened it. He didn't smile. That would just be mocking Kirishima at this point.

"You're gonna be good...Yeah, you'll be good."

"Bakugou!"

He left. And he left in a hurry and without saying goodbye. It would be foolish for Kirishima to go after him now. Not with the taste of Bakugou's lips in his mouth. Kirishima closed his eyes tightly for a moment before wiping his eyes. He stopped crying rather quickly after he left. Because Bakugou didn't leave Kirishima with sadness or anger. He left him feeling nothing. Absolutely numb. He had lost him, that was perfectly clear to Kirishima. And Bakugou would never let him get him back now. That was forsure. His brain was turning off.

So Kirishima went to the bathroom. Shedding off his shirt on the way and unbuttoning his pants. He started water in the bathtub and turned the faucet all the way to the left. His mother always said everything felt better after a hot bath, and this would be scorching hot. This is where he saw himself in the mirror now. Just, looking and looking and looking. Wondering where the bad part was on his face that made such an awful creature.

He hadn't taken his pants off yet, the water in the tub was starting to fill up, and he hadn't noticed the pill bottle in his hand. Not that he began to open it, the water was just too loud for him to hear the top pop off. He didn't even notice how he was crunching one pill after another with his teeth. The chalky taste lacing his tongue as he stared deeply in his eyes in the reflection. Wanting to purge out that little beast that made him so unlovable. His eyes began to water and turn red. His mouth felt dry as he ate another, and another, and another. His hand reaching into the bottle and then his mouth like a robotic gesture. The acid taste of the opioid caused Kirishima to gag, but he kept going. Steam from the tub started to appear. And in all that noise, his phone began to buzz in his sagging pants.

Kirishima picked it up, holding the phone to his ear.

"Yeah." Kirishima breathed.

"Yo, Kirishima," Toyomitsu greeted, sounding like he had a mouthful of food in his mouth. Maybe a donut, "I'm taking a ten and I thought I'd see what you're-"

"Hey uh… You know you should come to my house as soon as possible."

"Oh yeah? And why's that?"

"Cause I just did something horrible." Kirishima's voice was shaky. Toyomitsu's voice realized what he had just done. What he was doing.

"What do you mean? You didn't kill somebody did you?" The gravity of the situation had yet to hit Toyomitsu.

"I just ate twelve-no, no fourteen- fourteen of the twenty-seven Prozac I have."

"Excuse me?"

"You better hurry."

"Whoa, Kirishima. What the hell are you talking about?"

His nose began to bleed, the lights in the bathroom started to become to white. His mouth trembled. His heart beats were accelerating at a fast rate. His stomach began twisting and turning. The tub began to overflow.

"Kirishima? Kirishima, are you still there? Kirishima, answer me! Damn it! What the fuck?!"

Kirishima dropped his phone, and along with his phone, his whole body fell to the floor. Collapsing as one would after so many pills. The linoleum felt cool on his hot cheek. It was comforting: soothing. Kirishima's eyes began to drift, slowly closing. His head was empty. And he was asleep with no dreams, just like he wrote.

This happened. This all happened today.


As Kirishima began to wake up, he realized he was no longer in the bathroom, but in his bedroom. All snuggled up in his sheets, head resting on his familiar pillow. He groaned and stretched his arms above his head before noticing Kaminari was next to his bedside, sitting on a kitchen chair. He must have brought it in.

Kirishima blinked a few times. His head was killing him. Kaminari was breathing rather hard, he must have been looking at him ever since he got here.His hands tightly between his thighs. His eyes looked puffy and pink. Kirishima started to slowly sit up.

"What time is it?" Kirishima looked out his window, "Looks dark out. Maybe, ten? Eleven?"

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Kaminari muttered, his look becoming more aggressive.

Kirishima rubbed his face, "It's good to see you too, Kaminari. When did you get here?"

"That guy… from the bar that one night-"

"Toyomitsu. Yeah, I remember now, he called me. Must have shown up if I'm here now. He called you?"

"He said he found you on the ground in your bathroom with all this water around you and- and all these pills-"

Kirishima placed his hand on his forehead and seethed, "Ouch, I banged my head pretty hard, huh?"

"He made you throw up all he could. He didn't know how long ago you took them."

"It's going to leave a mark."

"He was forsure you were going to die."

"Well, is there a bruise on my head or a cut? I don't want another scar."

"Will you shut the fuck up about pointless things and talk to me about what matters," Kaminari went straight to the point. Why were all these men getting to the point all of a sudden? "Why did you do this?"

Kirishima pulled his knees to his chest and tucked hair behind his ear. He licked his bottom lip, he couldn't taste Bakugou anymore. Kirishima ran his fingers through his hair and started to laugh, Kaminari didn't enjoy that. He didn't think this was such a laughing matter.

"Would you believe me if I told you I was tired?"

"No." Kaminari quickly said.

Kirishima sighed, "Yeah, I thought you'd say that,"He looked down at his bed sheets. He needed to wash them,"I was upset."

"So upset you tried to kill yourself? Are you kidding me?"

"Obviously not."

"Just tell me, Eijiro. Tell me why the fuck I got a call tonight because you tried kill yourself? What is going on that is so horrible in your life that you can't tell me about?"

Kirishima was glad he didn't let anyone know Bakugou passed him that note. It was much easier because there was nothing he had to tell him. But it would be much easier to have something to blame. And at this point, nothing was coming to Kirishima's mind that would be a good excuse. If he told Kaminari what Bakugou had said to him earlier, maybe Kirishima would get a hug from him. Maybe Kaminari would even cry with him as they blamed Bakugou for being an asshole once again. But what would be the point of that? While Bakugou was trying to be the good guy, the better man as Kirishima went on to ruin everything again. So Kirishima lied instead.

"I don't know, Kaminari, I just- my body reacted and I… I don't know, okay? I'm… I'm just not sure about anything anymore."

Kaminari couldn't accept that answer and Kirishima knew that. But he didn't want to burst out and scream at Kirishima. Tell him how much that attempt hurt him, hurt their relationship. Kaminari wouldn't tell him how he was going to miss Kirishima if he would have actually died. That he was crying as he washed vomit out of his hair and put him in a new set of clothes. Not while his friend, at this moment, was missing. Kaminari stood up.

"Yeah, I'm not sure about anything either." Kaminari grumbled as he walked out of the room and slammed the door shut. Causing Kirishima to jump.

He tasted blood in his mouth. He had tasted it before, when he was still living at home. At least home wasn't as complicated as this. No, if a girl waved at him now, Kirishima wouldn't bat an eye about it. Kirishima had ruined another thing in his life and he just would hope Kaminari or Toyomitsu would say anything about it to anyone. He had been selfish. He had been thinking about himself often. How others thought of him, how his friends thought of him, how his lover thought of him. But he never asked himself how he made others feel, just analyzing what they did once he noticed them feeling… something. That was his greatest fault. Kirishima took a lot of work, he should have known that some people couldn't take care of him.

Kirishima turned his head to the end table. He picked up his phone, there was a crack in the corner of it. He sighed and looked through his contacts. He put the phone to his ear and started to hear the rings.

"Baby?" Kirishima's mother's voice sounded sleepy, "Honey, you know not to call me so late."

"Hey, Ma… How are you doing?"

"I was just having a lovely dream. I was eating a whole stack of pancakes."

Kirishima laughed, "Yeah, yeah that sounds like a good dream."

"Baby, what's wrong? You sound sad."

"Nah, I'm not sad, Ma. Don't worry about me. Just a little tired. I just… I just wanted to call you to talk."

"Can't that wait till morning?"

"No, I need to talk to you now," Kirishima touches his finger tip to his bottom lip, "Ma, I think it's time I come home."

This happened. All of this, just happened today


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