And now you have to wait another week for Heroes Day.
Memory 2
Oh look, it's God
By: Chat "Adrien Agreste" Noir
Good day, M'Lady!
Thanks to the advice of a very trustworthy friend, I've decided to catch you up on the battles you've mysteriously forgotten. Any updates on how your memory keeps getting choppy, by the way? If not, don't worry. I'm here for you and will help in any way I can.
Reverser
Do you know what lesbians are, LB? I didn't until not that long ago. Did you know that boys can be lesbians too? I didn't until this day. And it turns some people are half-lesbian, like Nathaniel. They just like kissing everybody! And some people, like Marc, are so lesbian that they paint their nails, wear lip gloss, perfume, and makeup like girls so they can date boys! Being a lesbian is amazing!
Turns out, my number one fan tried to set Marc up with Nathaniel (he was Evillustrator from a while back (you were on your secret mission (don't worry, I learned what that really means in Sex Ed (I'll bring you chocolate next time)))). Her matchmaking skills were unfortunately not up to the challenge and their date ended with Marc getting akumatized into a giant paper plane riding villain. With his evil paper plane missiles, Reverser made everyone's personalities flip. I turned into a scared silly kitty-cat and you became super clumsy! (You actually became as klutzy as my number one fan who doesn't have the best luck) You lost any sense of self-control. You couldn't even swim when we fell into the Seine! Thankfully, I was there to carry you to the shore and provide mouth to mouth (at least I would have if I hadn't magically come down with a crippling fear of mouth germs, sunburns, heights, peanut butter, crossing the road, traveling faster than 2 miles per hour, untied shoelaces, stairs (EVERYTHING!)).
If that wasn't bad enough, Reverser got to the mayor and made him begin dropping the city's new space dumpsters onto Paris! We were on a time limit to stop an orbital bombardment of flaming garbage! Reverser's demands to save the city was to turn over Nathaniel and my number one fan.
With you tripping over those sexy, sexy legs with every step and me scared by flies, we had no choice. We had to recruit Nathaniel and our resident time-traveler Alix for help. I use the term "help" loosely because you immediately gave Nathaniel to Reverser with orders to distract the villain by making out with him (hostage situations are hard) and then you told Alix to time travel me into the air and drop me on Reverser. She missed several times. There are some news videos online of me screaming endlessly as I fall off the Eiffel Tower for a full five minutes. Eventually, she hit the mark and I Cataclysmed his magic paper plane glider. You cast Miraculous Ladybug, undoing all the reversals, and went to grab lunch while Marc and I fell in an endless time loop.
I had time to think as I careened forever through the air. There should be another word other than lesbians when boys are lesbians or half-lesbians. It just gets too confusing.
Troublemaker
This Akuma was actually Jagged Stone's personal assistant.
Don't know if you know this about me, LB, but I'm a huge fan of Jagged Stone. I even have a signed photo of him on my wall. He wrote Keep on rocking, Adrien Agreste, son of Gabriel Agreste of the Gabriel Fashion Brand. You're a true star! I've been following him since he first moved into Paris earlier this year. He's been in the city a lot longer than his website said he would. I think he might have been trapped here because of Brexit. Whatever the reason he's still here, he made an unexpected appearance on TV recently. You can actually find the episode on the "Fill My Shoes" website. It's the episode that takes place at my number one fan's bakery. You can watch at your own leisure but here's the first line so you know you're watching the right one.
"Queen Elizabeth!" Jagged Stone begged to the camera. "If you're watching this, you have to get me out of this shite-stain city! These snail-slurping bastards have got monsters turning people into zombies or burning buildings to the ground every single day! Please! Bring me back home!"
A very attention-grabbing opener to the episode. I really believed Jagged was on the verge of tears every time he was on camera. Even as my number one fan's dad calmly showed him how to properly knead the dough, Jagged stayed in that I-Hate-Paris character (odd choice but compelling). After a little incident with spilling some flour, Jagged somehow ended up in my number one fan's room and the cameras broadcasted her collection of photos of this boy named Adrien Agreste (turns out she's a fan (I'm not jealous (In fact, I think she has great taste))).
The broadcast got a little choppy after that. I caught glimpses of my number one fan attacking the camera with a mannequin before the show cut to commercial (her fingernails and teeth were much longer and sharper than I remember (and I could've sworn her eyes had turned red and blue (probably just a problem with the camera))).
When the show came back, the bakery was being ripped apart by what appeared to be a ghost. It was actually an Akuma who could become intangible with the click of a pen. I rushed to the scene and used my super abs to open the steel walls sealing the bakery shut. At least, I would've opened them and it would've been awesome if Troublemaker hadn't suplexed me into the side of a van (your months of tossing me against vans prepared me for that day). You pulled me into the building where we fought Troublemaker two on one. She was a slippery Akuma. Each time we got a hold of her, she just clicked her pen and faded through the floor. And then the unthinkable happened, Bugaboo.
SHE GOT YOUR MIRACULOUS!
Sorry, that's a lot more dramatic than I intended. I should've said she got one of your Miraculous earrings. Once it came off, your superhero suit began to slowly sparkle away! Before she could grab the other, I charged at Troublemaker with Cataclysm and forced her to fade out of the room, leaving your earring behind. Your identity was secured, but if I may, LB, what little I did see of you behind the mask was the most beautiful, most gorgeous girl I have ever beheld (with a great ass).
The fight continued until you had your genius idea. I distracted Troublemaker, constantly making her fade in and out of tangibility with jabs from my still ready-to-go Cataclysm while you snuck up behind her. At the right moment, you threw your fist through Troublemaker's faded out head just as she clicked her magical pen. When the villain became solid, she had a super fist where her brain should be. I won't go into the explosive messy details of what happened to Troublemaker's skull but I will say thank Astruc for your Miraculous Ladybug.
Side note, M'Lady: You and my number one fan seem to have a similar taste in boys, but please don't get jealous. I'm 110% positive she only likes Adrien as a friend— Sorry, my hand slipped. I thought I heard my number one fan cry out in the distance.
Frightingale
This is mostly second-hand knowledge, but one day the singer Clara Nightingale (who suffers from chronic dancing syndrome and can only speak in rhymes (which means she can never eat oranges, wear purple or silver, or ask people what month it is)) was holding auditions for her next big music video which was going to be all about Ladybug and Chat Noir.
My Father already cast me as Chat Noir—Sorry, my hand slipped. I meant to write, Adrien Agreste was already cast as Chat Noir (don't know why (we look nothing alike)) but the role of Ladybug was up for grabs. Again I wasn't there, but supposedly my number one fan was in the extras audition line and kept screaming NOOOOOOOOOOO, grabbing her head, then making this blank empty smiling face whenever she looked at Adrien dressed like me. I'm sure he was very concerned.
Then this girl Chloe Bourgeois, who I believe is Adrien Agreste's childhood friend (I've never met her), kind of ruined everything. I heard she's trying really hard to make friends and "fix her mistakes" as she put it but she's still figuring out how that works. Chloe thought my number one fan being cast as Ladybug was a terrible mistake that needed fixing and as everyone's soon-to-be friend she was the one to fix it. This meant making her dad the mayor shut down the entire music video production. I'm sure she'll get the hang of making friends sooner or later. It'll just take time.
You and I were struck by Frightengale's magical whip rather quickly, M'Lady, which meant we were forced to sing, dance, or rhyme continuously or else be petrified into pink statues! Thankfully, I'm a master of the Brazilian dance-fighting style capoeira (or should I say cat-oeira (you loved that pun)). Despite my sweet moves, Frightengale kept getting the advantage over us and we were forced to be on the constant defensive.
And then… I'm not sure how you managed this, LB, or how you came up with the idea, but as we were hiding behind a bus you started spewing rhyme after rhyme after rhyme, not making the least bit of sense. You stopped saying sentences that rhymed and just listed rhyming words. I was beginning to think you were having a stroke when Mr. Narrator interrupted you. Turns out, he didn't appreciate the "mockery of the art of rhyme," as he put it, and decided to put an end to this "charade."
I'm not entirely sure how this worked but Mr. Narrator basically narrated Frightengale into a corner where you were able to knock her out cold. After you put things back together, I had a little chat with Mr. Narrator and he agreed to narrate the music video to be back on schedule. Only this time, Clara Nightingale decided to use everyone who auditioned as Ladybug in the music video. The finished product was a beautiful ensemble piece with people from all across Paris dancing their hearts out. It was like the entire city was dancing, maybe even you and I were in there.
Side Note: I was—Sorry, Adrien Agreste was still cast as Chat Noir and when my number one fan saw him on screen she did the whole NOOOOOOO, head grab, slack jawed smile thing. Do you know what that's about? Should I get her a doctor?
And that's 3 more down. I hope this helps, Bugaboo.
Love,
Adrien "Chat Noir" Agreste
PS - After writing these letters, I've noticed my number one fan has been finding herself in the middle of a lot of Akuma situations. I think we should keep an eye on her. Hawkmoth might be targeting her to get to me.
PSS - Enjoy the chocolates!
Luka hummed over the letter attached to the heart-shaped box of chocolates.
It was as the Pink Devil had said. Not only had the Young Master signed his own name but he had repeatedly left obvious breadcrumbs that could lead to his true identity. While Luka considered the Young Master innocent and sometimes naive, he never thought the boy would do something so irresponsible.
Then again, it was even more irresponsible that a time-traveler such as the Pink Devil "didn't have time to play mailman," and delegated the job to him. Still this was, as the Pink Devil put it, "a matter of saving the world that Ladybug and Chat Noir's true identities never be revealed to each other," and Luka rather enjoyed the world. He wouldn't protest. He would, though, exchange the Young Master's chocolates for those strawberry pastries Miss Dupain-Cheng so loved.
Luka pulled out his pen and got to editing.
"You..." a scratchy voice growled at him.
Luka stopped his walk towards the Dupain-Cheng mailbox and looked over his shoulder at his third favorite alleyway of Paris. It was in his top three because it was the most determinedly wet. It didn't matter if the last rainstorm was months ago, there was always a muddy puddle right in the center of this alley and it always smelled of ammonia. Most would find this disgusting, but Luka found it, as he found most things, fascinating.
Through that fascinating never-drying puddle stomped a homeless man. His bloodshot eyes glared pure hatred at the blue boy.
"You..." the homeless man repeated.
"Hello, I am Luka Couffaine. You may call me Luk—"
"Don't give me that! I know who you are, doorbell!"
That last spat out word made Luka pause. The only ones who knew were the Pink Devil, Miss Dupain-Cheng, and the Miss's carnivorous red pet. This man before him with his ratty grey hoodie, greasy skin, black hair, and big bushy beard was clearly not any of the three. Undeterred and eager to make more friends, Luka smiled widely.
"Have we met, sir?"
"Met?" The homeless man barked out a dry laugh and grabbed Luka's collar. "I made you."
Again, Luka paused. There had been something familiar about the stranger but it wasn't until his human brain used this remarkable tool Luka had learned was called imagination to project pink flowers into the homeless man's beard that it clicked.
"Astruc?" Luka gasped.
"Ding-ding," Thomas Astruc rasped in what Luka thought was supposed to be a mockery of a doorbell's traditional ding-dong. "Because of you and your stupid talk with the Big guy, I'm down here, running from Akumas, eating out of garbage cans, and sleeping on newspapers. I LOST EVERYTHING BECAUSE OF YOU AND NOW I'M GOING TO TAKE EVERYTHING FROM YO—"
"Look, everyone!" Luka happily called out to the street. "It's the Thomas Astruc."
Every head on the sidewalk turned at the name. Wide-eyes and dropped jaws filled the streets as the word Astruc spread through the crowd. Many made the Sign of Astruc and prostrated themselves.
"Is that him?"
"Could it be?"
"It has to be!"
"It is him!"
"T'is the Second Coming!" one cried, waving the Book of Astruc at the sky.
"All hail Astruc!" the crowd chanted as they carried Astruc away on their shoulders. "Hail! Hail! Hail! All hail Astruc!"
"Wait! Where are you taking me?!' Astruc protested. "Stop! I haven't had my revenge yet! Put me down!"
But his cries went unheeded as the herd of devoted followers carried their god off to hopefully not be crucified. Luka politely waved.
"Goodbye, Mr. Astruc. A fine day to you, sir." Luka pulled out the Young Master's letter to Miss Dupain-Cheng and resumed editing.
END
Yes, Astruc is still part of this story. He's just more in the second half.
