If you recognize it, it is not mine.

The following chapter contains references to the episode The More I See You.

Carlye Walton disrupts Hawkeye's routine life in the 4077.

"Uh… Hey Hawk." Claudia hesitantly entered the Swamp right after the new nurse walked out. "Are you okay?" Hawkeye gulped down his drink and pour one more for him, another for Claudia and handed it to her.

"Why wouldn't I be?" His eyes were so cold when he looked at her, his stare sent shivers down her spine. Sitting down swiftly on his bunk, he proceeded to stare at the floor. Claudia was inspecting him with her piercing glare and he didn't feel like being psychoanalyzed right now.

"I didn't want to listen, but you both spoke rather loudly. Plus your heart breaking could be heard miles away."

"It's not so bad…" He said, his voice trailing off.

"You look like a lost puppy, darling." He absolutely did. His shoulders were hunched as he subconsciously tried to hide his face from her, so she couldn't read the pain that was painted all over his face. His blue eyes lacked the spark that usually lighten them up. He looked like the personification of sadness.

"How long were you together?" Claudia asked, taking a sip of her drink.

"Three years, living together for a year and a half."

"Never got over her?" His eyes were still mostly staring at the floor.

"Yeah… I screwed up, you know. I should have married her when I had the chance."

"It didn't sound like that was the only reason she left." Claudia finished her drink, putting the glass next to the still. "Let me ask you this – was the reason you didn't ask her because you felt you had nothing to offer or was there something else?"

"I don't know."

"You don't need to tell me. You need to clear it with yourself, though."

"I don't speak to myself right now."

"Be careful, Hawkeye…" She rose to her feet. It was clear he didn't want company and definitely didn't feel like talking to someone.

"What do you mean?" He met her eyes in an intense emotional stare.

"She's married and I'd hate to see you get hurt." As she left, he let out a little annoyed groan and that was it for their conversation.

Claudia and Hawkeye didn't see much of each other in the next couple of days. They got a lot of wounded and some pretty serious cases plus she had a night shift, so it wasn't unusual. But after that, it became clear to Claudia that Hawkeye was avoiding her and the reason became pretty clear to her, too.

At first, Hawkeye was brushing off Carlye's attempts to be nice by sarcastic wisecracks and icy remarks. Sometimes people in the OR were worried they might start cutting into each other and not the patients. Claudia once even took him aside in the scrub room and told him not to bring his baggage into the OR. But she didn't have to worry about that for long. Hawkeye and Carlye became more relaxed in each other's company and after a while it looked like much more than just relaxed relationship. And that's when he started to avoid Claudia.

Then there was the incident in the mess tent. It wasn't really an incident to speak of, comparing to everything else that had happened in 4077 during the duration of the war – fist fights, mortar and shelling attacks. Nonetheless it made Hawkeye sprint out of the mess tent after angrily shouting at Claudia to mind her own business, even though he originally asked for her opinion. And if he was avoiding her before, after that he completely ignored her.


"How are you, Claudia?" BJ said after noticing her enter Swamp.

"Ok. You?"

"Alright. Hawk's not here."

"I know. That is the main reason I am."

"Sorry. Drink?"

"No, thanks." Claudia sat next to BJ, sighing. "I am fine, but I worry about him."

"Me too. But he seems to be enjoying himself." BJ shrugged and poured alcohol in his glass.

"For now, anyway. What are you doing?"

"Trying to write home, but struggling to find the words. I could use some help…" Looking at the blank page in front of him, he took a sip.

"Well, I am not sure how much time I have. I promised Colonel Potter he could paint me."

"Oh, he finally persuaded you!"

"Yeah. But to be fair I can't think of anything suitable for a letter home. It all has been pretty grim recently."

"Tell me about it." She knew what he was referring to. About three days ago he lost a patient that was in his care. Although everybody knew it would require a miracle for this patient to survive, BJ never gave up. He stayed with him in Post-Op trying till the last minute. What made it worse was that the patient regained consciousness for a few hours before succumbing to his injuries. His name was Paul Burray and he came from a small Nevada town. He left a wife and a small girl behind. A girl about Erin's age that would never remember her father.

"BJ, you did what you could. His kidneys were completely gone the minute he came in here."

"Knowing that doesn't help."

"I know. How about some darts?"

"Sure, why not?" He knew she only asked to distract him from his dead patient, but he didn't mind. He welcomed the distraction. Since Hawkeye was spending all of his spare time outside the Swamp and Frank was helping out in the nearby village, he was usually left alone with his thoughts.

In the end threw about four darts before the fifth one almost ended in Klinger.

"Hello, doctors! Are you so bored you make yourself new patients?" BJ and Claudia both said sorry, before Klinger continued. "Colonel, I put the dress Colonel Potter chose in your tent."

"Huh? Is he going to paint me or marry me?"


Playing twenty questions with BJ didn't really soothe his mind. He felt as if he'd been run over by a tank and now the whole enemy army was marching over his half-dead body, one soldier after another. Claudia had been right as she usually was, she was just looking out for him. Yet he was too stubborn to see it at the time.

He yearned for anyone or anything that reminded him of his homeland ever since he dropped his things in the Swamp for the first time. And Carlye was that something. The way she looked at him with her sweet blue eyes, the way her hair smelled of vanilla when he took her in his arms and the way she tasted sent him to a new level of ecstasy. For a little while he could pretend he was not living in hell, working to repair mutilated bodies so they can be used as a weapon again. He could forget everything else and just lose himself in the sensation of Carlye, her and all the memories of her.

His mind was fighting his body's urge to run to Claudia and talk it over ever since he was forced to hug Carlye goodbye. He needed Claudia's serene reasonable presence that always calmed him down. But this tranquility was now unavailable to him. He definitely wouldn't be welcomed after how he'd behaved. She expressly told him not to bother her when he'd eventually end up alone and broken-hearted. And that's how he ended up. All alone with his talent and dedication.

He needed to make it up to her. Toying with a few ideas of how to apologize, he sank in his cot, closing his eyes and thinking it through. The choices were limited, everything was hard to come by in Korea. After much consideration he settled on the classic. He will leave some flowers for her with a handwritten note inviting her for a drink at Rosie's or the Officers' Club. That way it will be a nice gesture, but he won't be around if Claudia decides to reject his peace offering.

At least that was the plan anyway. He attached the short letter to the bouquet with a red ribbon and grabbed a little hook from supply, so he could hang it on the tent sign spelling Claudia's name. He got up very early especially for this, not wanting to be seen and having to explain what he was doing to anyone.

"Good morning, you fink. If you have something to say, say it to my face." He heard her voice while he was crouching behind her tent. Slowly he rose to his feet, his figure catching her eye. He walked over to her, took hold of the flowers and handed them to her.

She was already dressed in her army greens even though it was so early. Her disheveled hair was shining bright in the morning light. It suddenly occurred to him how little they saw of each other these past few weeks. Weren't they supposed to be friends?

Probably the last time he saw her was in Colonel Potter's painting that was now hanging proudly in his office. He captured her essence so accurately, it looked almost like a photograph. She was wearing a long green dress. But not the tired greyish green that army put everywhere, but fresh lively green that tightly hugged the curves of her body and accented her shiny red hair. Colonel Potter even got the color of her long red hair precisely right. It always reminded Hawkeye of the color of strong and spicy red wine, the good quality stuff, not what they drank in Korea.

"So?" She interrupted his silent contemplation. Realizing that he was just standing there, silently gawking at her, he cleared his throat.

"Claudia, can I talk to you?"

"I don't know, can you?" She raised her eyebrows, smiling at him, mildly amused.

"I… I am sorry. I know I owe you an apology, but I just can't find the words…"

"Alright, stiff tongue. Come in for a talk." She nodded to her tent's door and walked in after him. After liberating the letter from the ribbon, she put the flowers in a cup she normally drank from.

He started nervously pacing back and forth once inside, uncertain if he should sit in the chair or on the bed or just stand. Never in his life was he so conscious of every choice, every little movement he made. Claudia was silently observing his unsure behavior, giggling a little.

"How are you feeling, Hawkeye?"

"I might need help getting a conversation started, but let's not talk about that right now. Or ever."

"That bad, huh? Sit down." She patted her bed next to spot where she was sitting. He slowly parked his body there.

"Despite what they taught us, I continue living even without my heart present as it was ripped out of my chest and tossed in a ditch."

"Then you are a miracle of medicine in more than one way… You surging surgeon."

"I am sorry about how I behaved. I would hate to think I caused our friendship to be permanently damaged."

"We are fine. I expected you to crawl back to me soon or later…" She said it with a great big grin on her face, but at the same time gripped his hand, trying to reassure him it'll all be fine. He quivered at the touch. "Look, I wasn't born yesterday. I know people in love aren't known for their rationality, but I would never lie to you. You asked for my opinion and I gave it."

"And I want you to know I appreciate your honesty. As well as your friendship. You are quite a woman."

"Well, thank you…" She started, but their conversation was cut short by the arrival of new wounded. After agreeing to talk later, they ran out of the tent. Before you could finish saying stupid police action, Hawkeye and Claudia were elbow-deep in someone's chest.


They resumed their talk almost exactly 40 hours later, after all the wounded were taken care of and everyone got some much deserved sleep. Hawkeye showed at her doorstep with half-full bottle of scotch in his hand and wide smile on his lips. She opened him dressed only in her pyjamas and robe, trembling slowly in the breeze when the door was opened. Handing her the bottle, he did a little curtsy. After a quick rummaged around, she found two glasses and poured the drinks.

This time he sat down on her bed right away and made himself comfortable. They started talking about some of the patients in Post-Op, they had a couple of really complicated cases there right now. But soon, with the help of alcohol, the conversation got more personal. Hawkeye asked about her past relationships, since she knew a lot about his. After telling him a few stories that involved kissing on cheeks and watching movies during her high school years, she paused for a moment to fill their glasses again.

"What about more recently? Any boys left with just fond memories of you and a heart in million little pieces?"

"After the life I've had, I try very hard to forget them. Many of them are probably not alive now."

"Sorry… I had no idea." Hawkeye said softly.

"The only one I know about, his name was Steven, was shot down during the last month of the Second World War. He didn't even live to see the armistice." She drank from her glass with a sad look on her face. Hawkeye heard her sigh quietly. "He was so looking forward to fly commercially, not dropping bombs and shooting at other planes. He loved flying so much… We spent the most wonderful days in the Scottish countryside. It didn't rain often, it was probably some sort of record, so we used to talk these long walks and talk about everything and anything at the same time." She smiled, but more from melancholy than happiness. "We were together for only four months before he had to report for his training, but to us it seemed like eternity. We planned on marrying right after the war ended."

Her voice trailed off and Hawkeye for once didn't know what to say. He wanted to break the silence and make her think about something else, but no words seemed to fit the situation.

"Claudia?" He said to catch her attention again. She seemed to check out for a few moments, looking absent-mindedly into the distance.

"Oh, yeah. I am sorry. I was just thinking about Steve… You know, you remind me of him. He also cared very deeply about people. And his warm personality and playful sense of humor always made him the center of everyone's attention." At first it didn't occur to her that she was basically comparing Hawkeye to her fiancé. But then he brain caught up with her mouth and she went silent.

"I wouldn't praise me so much… It might go to my head and I have too much of a mess up there already."

"Steve also liked to cover up his feelings with jokes…"

He looked up from his drink to meet her gaze. Once again she was studying him as if he was lying under her microscope glass. He gave her a little timid smile. There was a question that was nagging him for a while, but he was too afraid to ask sober.

"Do you think less of me because of what happened?" She turned to him. They were sitting on her bunk with their back against the tent canvas. He was looking sternly on his hands in his lap.

"With Carlye? No, of course not." She took his hands in hers, rubbing them gently. His eyes flew up to look at her.

"Really?" They silently kept looking into each other's eyes, Claudia smiling lightly and Hawkeye frowning intensely.

"Really. As I see it she is the reason you have these colossus commitment issues. You're afraid to get hurt again. That is perfectly natural."

"But I seduced her. I mean, I initialized the first kiss knowing damn well she was married."

"She was the one who promised herself to someone else. She was the one who broke that promise. I am not saying what you did was right, but you're not the only one at fault here. Why would you think that?" Claudia said without any hesitation. She was surprised Hawkeye felt so guilty and still defended Carlye. "Look, we shouldn't be talking about this. It is crystal clear you still care for her and I don't want us to end up not talking to each other again because of something I say."

"There's nothing you could possibly say that will make me ignore you again. What I did was really stupid."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

"Alright. But remember what you promised." She took a deep breath and then continued, looking him straight in the eye. "I don't care what problems you two had. Just running away is cowardly, cruel and just plain wrong. I can't believe you wanted to have anything to do with her after that."

"You have no idea how happy we were back in the day. I don't think I've ever been that happy."

"You don't have to justify your feelings to me, sweetheart. I just want you to remember that you deserve to be treated with respect."

"I know, I know…" Hawkeye sighed loudly.

Claudia's distaste for Carlye has been turning to real hate for what she did to Hawkeye. He looked like a lost little boy, devoid of his usual playfulness and self-assurance. It was breaking her heart. She gave him the bottle so he could refill his glass. He poured some in her glass as well. Instead of handing it back to her, he got up and put the bottle on the table himself.

"I'll always end up alone, won't I?" He had his back to her, head tilted down.

She stood up and walked over to him, shocked by his question. Reaching over, she caressed his back gently. He leaned into the contact, trying to relax, but still didn't turn around. "Wow! She really messed you up." She pulled him into a tight hug as he finally faced her. Immediately he hugged her back, his arms clinging to her body like his life depended on it.

Claudia still felt uncomfortable with Hawkeye so distressed. She never would have imagined those were his thoughts. Somehow it didn't occur to her he would be so worried about his future family life. She underestimated his mind greatly.

"Hawkeye, let's go sit down." She led him back to the bed and they sat down. "Listen. You and Carlye were never going to work, no matter how crazy you were about each other. You wanted completely different things. Putting all other qualities or faults aside, your instinct to heal and help people is such an intrinsic part of who you are, your future partner should understand it is a gift." She moved closer to him, taking hold of his hands. She saw him taking special interest in her right palm, staring at it, tracing the scar where the rib of a patient once punctured her hand. His touch was especially gentle then.

Their talk lasted for hours, long into the night. When they were saying goodbye, standing near the door, Hawkeye suddenly stopped in his tracks. "Claudia, do you remember when I returned from my court-martial and you kissed me for good luck?"

"Yeah."

He walked even closer to her and brushed a stray lock of hair from her face. Leaning forward a little, he pulled her in for a kiss. Stunned by his actions, it took time for her to respond. Unlike the kiss she gave him, this one was longer and more sensual. They moved their lips slowly, reveling in the contact. The quiet was interrupted by their muffled moans. Claudia was running her fingers in his soft black hair while he was holding her firmly around the waist.

"Since it hasn't brought me any luck, I thought Ï return it." With that, Hawkeye made his exit and left her standing there in shock.