Part 14
The tension in the room was so thick you could have cut it with a knife. Jeff was sitting on one of the couches with his mother beside him along with Alan and Gordon. Scott and Virgil sat opposite them, with John between them. Alan and Gordon kept glancing at their father, then their older brothers and lastly their grandmother. Virgil and Scott looked between John and their father. John and Jeff only had eyes for each other. They were looking at each other so intensely you could almost feel it. Jeff in regret and John trying to fight… something. What it was no one was really sure about. Jeff looked into those blue-green eyes and sighed heavily.
"John", he began, his voice sounding so loud in the quiet room. "I… I am not sure exactly where to begin."
"I am", John said, his voice cold and sharp as flint. "Why?"
"Why what exactly?"
"Why did you choose the guys over me? What have I ever done to you?"
"Diving straight into the difficult stuff I see", Jeff said and sighed. "Truth is John… you have never done anything to me… other than looking like your mother and taking after her."
"And you punish me for it?"
"I never meant to. It was just difficult being around you after she died. Lucy was my whole world and when I lost her, I felt I lost everything and then… there you were. Looking just like her and it hurt so much. I figured that if I wanted to save myself from the pain all I could do was… remove what hurt me."
"By pushing me out of the picture", John asked.
"Yes. It was selfish, stupid and downright cruel. It all was. When I realized what I was truly doing it was already too late. I had already pushed you too far away from me. You left… and went places I felt I was not welcomed. After… after missing your NASA graduation I felt I had… I knew I was no longer welcome into any part of your life. I had brushed you aside so much that you stopped asking me altogether. I guess I deserved that because the way I treated my own son is not a way people should treat their kids."
"Well then why didn't you try and stop it earlier?" Scott asked before John could. "You knew John had that championship game and you knew he had his graduation, he asked you to come. Why didn't you?"
Jeff sighed heavily. "Because I thought John only asked me to be polite… I was sure he didn't really want me there."
"What?" John asked.
"John I knew exactly how I was treating you, how I had always treated you and I was… I was sure you resented me for it. I was certain you just asked me to be part of your biggest achievements just to be polite… that you didn't want me there."
"You didn't think of asking?" John spat. "Why would I ask you to come if I didn't want you there? I would never do something like that!"
"I… didn't know that."
"And that's the whole point isn't it", John spat and got up so fast Virgil and Scott had no time to stop him. "You don't know me, you never got to know me and you didn't bother trying."
"I'm sorry."
"It's a little bit too late for that dad", John spat.
"Whoa John easy", Virgil said.
"No Virgil let me speak."
"But you'll say something you'll regret."
"Right now I don't care", John said and took a step forward. "This has been a long time coming."
"Johnny-"
"Virgil", Grandma said softly. "Let John speak."
"But-"
"Virgil", John said sharply. "Stand down." Virgil blinked and sat down again.
"FAB", he said. There was no point arguing with John when he used that voice. Gordon was right. John truly was the one in charge of International Rescue. None of them lifted a finger unless they ran it by John first when they were out on missions. John was the coordinator, the one knowing everything and seeing everything. He was in command and he took command now. John walked up to his father and looked down at him.
"I was scared of you", he said and when Jeff looked about to object John raised his hand and stopped him. "I was scared of you. Scared of how you would hurt me next. At first it was shunning me in favor for all of my brothers. Then it was acting like I did not even exist. Then it was pushing me as far away as you could and when I reached out… you cut the rope tethering me to you. When you disappeared I had no idea how to feel. I was relieved because finally, finally I could live everyday and not have to worry about how I would get hurt this time. Then shame hit me. How could I be relieved when my father was gone, dead? That was horrible and if my brothers had known they would hate me as much as I was sure you have always hated me… no hate isn't the right word because if you did I would not be here. Resent is a better word for it. You resented me from the start… because I was different. Grandma told me Grandpa didn't understand me because I was so different from the typical 'Tracy boy' as one could be. He got over it. You didn't. You wanted rough and ready, big, bad, born to fight. You wanted tough and steady a son cast in your image. Rotten luck you got me instead."
"John", Jeff began but John cut him off.
"I'm a different kind of man, no good at fitting in", he chuckled. "As almost anyone here can see. I'm a different kind of man a major disappointment", he shrugged. "So different than you wanted me to be. You wanted safe, solid, close to home… You wanted in your footsteps… sons you could be proud of but with me that investment sadly took a loss. What was that you told grandma once? I'm no good at taking charge… a withered branch upon the family tree…"
"You overheard that?" Jeff asked. This had been a few months before Jeff had disappeared.
"Communications is my job", John spat. "And as Gordon told me… I have my nose stuck in everything around here."
"Dad", Scott growled but John silenced him with a look. Then he turned his gaze back on Jeff.
"There was something I always wanted to ask you… Would it kill you to be proud of the man I am today?"
"I am… I am proud of all my sons."
"You lie as good as you fly", Scott scoffed.
"Scott", Grandma warned.
"I don't doubt you are proud of us", John said. "Now. But you were not proud of me before because I didn't fit your image… isn't that true dad?"
"You were always different from your brothers and… I must admit that at one point I felt that it was really disappointing. But then I found something… or rather someone gave something to me."
"Who?"
"Your teachers at NASA… they gave me a summary of all your assignments, your tests, your achievements and as I read through it I realized that I had really messed up… I had missed out on something, someone really special. And then when your grandmother showed me the recording of you winning that gold… my heart burnt with longing and regret. That smile on your face, I would never be allowed to see it. Never."
"Because it hurts everyone when I smile", John spat.
"It shouldn't have been that way."
"Well I can't help I was born with it!"
"That's not what I meant John, I meant I should not have… I should have dealt with that better. I should have accepted that you look like your mother and celebrate that instead of shunning you for it. Be happy that someone looks like her and that she has not fully left me because I have all my boys. Instead I pushed you away for it and it is not okay. And… and for that I am sorry John."
"I know… but it is a little too late for 'sorry'. I don't know if I can ever forgive you for this."
"I understand that but… would you… could you… try?"
"I'm not sure if that is possible dad", John admitted. "You broke my heart, you broke my trust… you destroyed me in and out. Ever since mom dad I have felt unwanted… a constant cause of pain for everyone around me. When I was away things were good, things were great even. Talking to everyone over the phone or holograms was great… because I wouldn't cause anyone pain or misery by just being here."
"Johnny that's not true", Gordon hurriedly said. "We love it when you are around… we miss you when you're not."
"Until I smile", John said. "Or until the light hits my face the wrong way… until I look too much like mom." He scoffed. "I've tried to change, have tried to not look like her as much. Step one was to stop smiling… stop looking happy. If I felt the need to smile and show joy… I did it to a minimum. I tiny smile instead of a real one. Step two was staying out of the way. Step three was pushing everyone away and locking myself way. I'm still working on step four."
"Step four is forgetting all the other steps", Grandma said and looked up at her grandson. "John I am sorry if I have ever made you felt that you can't be yourself around me because it would make me sad. I should have dealt with my own feelings, not putting the blame on you."
"Same here Johnny", Scott said and John turned to him. "It was not right but I did it anyway. I guess I just couldn't handle missing mom."
"None of us could and it was wrong on so many levels", Virgil growled. "It was not wrong to miss her but it was wrong to put the blame on you, even though at least your brothers did it subconsciously."
"Yeah I mean we should've been happy you look like mom", Gordon said. "It helps us not to forget what she looks like and that you act like her at times as well is also great. I mean pictures and home videos are one thing but… seeing it in real life is so much better…" the last was added in a small whisper.
"I-it gives me the chance to see why e-everyone thinks she was so great too", Alan whispered. "I don't remember much about m-mom but…"
"Come here Allie", John said and held his arms open, Alan all but tackles him in a tight hug and John hugged him back. "I'm here. I'm not gone."
"But you were", Alan whimpered. "And… and you nearly died! You nearly left us for good!" John held his arm out and Gordon joined the hug. Jeff was astonished, he had not noticed Gordon being in distress either. Sure he had noticed both boys being upset about not being allowed to go to the hospital and being upset about not being allowed to talk to John that much. Jeff understood why. John had in a way tried to commit suicide. Now he had not been committed anywhere because it had not been fully willingly. That order from the Hood about destroying himself had still been jumping around in his brain and if John had tried to fight it he would have to follow the other order, the final one. The one where the Hood had ordered him to murder his brothers. So for John it had been a forced choice between suicide and murder. John had chosen what spared his brothers, not willingly but at the time he had not been able to see any other way out. Was all his sons so willing to die for others? Of course they were, why else would they join International Rescue? He sighed heavily. Was he like the Hood? Forcing his sons into situations that could lead to their deaths? He had read missions report that his mother had provided him with. His sons had been near death multiple times… to save lives.
"Promise you'll never do it again!" Alan's voice cut through his musings. "Please John!"
"Allie I promise I will never try to hurt myself again", John soothed.
"Promise you won't leave!"
"I can't promise that because of what we do. I can promise to do my best to not leave."
"Works for me", Gordon said. "We need you Spaceman."
"Not really", John said.
"Do we need to have a talk like we did in space?" Gordon challenged.
"No no", John said and laughed softly. "Having you be the smart and insightful one is scary Gordon."
"Oi!"
"Just kidding kiddo", John said and hugged his little brothers closer with a smile. Jeff saw it then and at once felt the bang of sorrow. He saw his Lucy. He sighed and lowered his head. The sigh had not gone unnoticed by John.
"Stop that father", he said and all eyes were on him.
"What?" Jeff asked.
"I get it, you miss mom", John went on and let go of his brothers. "But everyone just said how bad and wrong it is to act all sad around me for it. So. Stop. It."
"I'm sorry John", Jeff said.
"You said so before."
"I know and I don't think that it will matter how many times I say it. It will not make up for all the hurt I have caused you through the years. You have suffered because of me."
"I know."
"And it was not right and isn't right. I think it was just easier for me to distance myself."
"Easier for you maybe", Scott spat. "Didn't you even stop to think about what it would do to John?"
"In all honesty no", Jeff said and his sons, except John, stared at him. "I was very selfish, I know. I was just so relieved that I could chose to spend time with my other sons and that John didn't appear to mind."
"But I did mind", John said. "I minded a lot."
"I didn't… I didn't want to see it that way. As I said I thought you didn't want me in your life."
"When I grew up I really didn't but as a kid all I wanted was for my dad to be proud of me… to see me. See me for who I am, not what I appear to be."
"That is something all children wants", Grandma said. "And should not have to ask for… Jeff. I know you know that you have done wrong here, a lot of wrong but John… you know that you as well could have put a stop to it."
"I know", John said and sighed. "Blame is a double-edged sword. I could have called you out on it a long time ago but I didn't. I could have objected, demanded that you saw me… tried to make you notice me more forcefully… to be honest with you. We are both to blame for it going this far."
"We all are", Grandma said. "I noticed it but never spoke up because I thought it was something between you two, I think it was the same for your brothers."
"In all honesty grandma", Scott said. "I never noticed. I was so wrapped up in my own life and in looking after Fish and Rocket over there to notice."
"I think no one noticed", Virgil said. "John has always been good at hiding his hurt and dad just…"
"I never acted my worst when you were all around", Jeff said. "I didn't make it obvious that I favored all of you over John. But I did. I willingly chose to spend time with the others over John. Even when he asked, I chose the others over him. I favored them." A sniffle interrupted him. All eyes turned to John. The redhead was looking out the windows at the ocean. Tears were slowly tracking down his cheeks.
"He admitted it" John whispered softly. "He finally admitted it so that everyone can hear…" it was the same words he had said aboard the Zero XL. Only this time they were not shouted out in a mad sort of way, hysterical. Now they were so soft they ere barely heard. Virgil was across the room in a heartbeat. He pulled John into a tight hug and Alan and Gordon joined in. Scott did the same, wrapping his arms around all four of them. John broke down within their arms. What he always had wanted was for Jeff to say those words out loud. He had done it a few times today, but he finally said he had favored the others over him. Everyone was finally hearing what their father had really been like. They could finally see it! John felt his brother release him and then his grandmother was there, hugging him around the neck. She had to stand on her toes to reach and John bent down a little.
"I'm sorry kid", she whispered. "I'm sorry I never saw it."
"We're sorry too Johnny", Scott spoke for all brothers. "We're so, so sorry."
"Can you forgive us?" Virgil asked softly. John just nodded. "Now for the hard question… can you ever forgive dad?" The room became completely quiet and all eyes turned to Jeff Tracy, even John's. Jeff swallowed, got up… and slowly left the room.
TBC
Thanks for all reviews! Sorry for the wait, I rewrote this chapter like five times :P
Disclaimer:
This part: You wanted rough and ready, big, bad, born to fight. You wanted tough and steady a son cast in your image. Rotten luck you got me instead. I'm a different kind of man, no good at fitting in. As almost anyone here can see. I'm a different kind of man a major disappointment. So different than you wanted me to be. You wanted safe, solid, close to home… You wanted in your footsteps… sons you could be proud of but with me that investment sadly took a loss. I'm no good at taking charge… a withered branch upon the family tree…" is taken from a song by Michael Patrick Walker, performed by Telly Leung and Michael Arden. Go check it out if you want.
