A/N: Thanks to everyone who's followed/favorited and/or is reading but not reviewing:)
On to the story!
"Anna, we are heading right toward a storm," Elsa said suddenly that evening. Gerda had brought them a simple but tasty dinner from the galley (on one plate so it appeared to be for one very hungry person), and now they were sitting on the bunk looking out the porthole window and eating dinner.
Anna stared at Elsa. "Are you sure? I hope you're wrong but I know you're most likely not," she muttered. A storm. Great. Not.
Elsa pointed out the window at the clouds. "I'm sure, and even if I was not, look at those clouds. Just a few hours more and it will be on top of us." And I can feel it. Winter storms are dangerous, they don't even have to be...magical. She blinked in surprise when she heard Anna's next question. "What?"
"I said, do you think you could move the storm away from us or just get rid of it?" Anna asked earnestly. I know Elsa's hurt, but her magic isn't, really. I bet she can! And even if she can't, she could totally protect the ship somehow.
"...I don't know how. I...I think I do have the raw power to move it, but..." Elsa closed her eyes, trying to concentrate on her very faint connection with the storm. What if I made it worse trying to help? I can't even get up by myself. What am I thinking even considering Anna's idea? "Anna, why am I even remotely considering this?" Elsa felt her magic stirring inside her, ready to unleash if she allowed it to, and she pushed those feelings away. Why am I like this? My ice doesn't even hurt now, but it's like...like it wants me to interfere. I shouldn't interfere with natural weather. Thinking I could do so is exactly what scared Dad so much.
"Because your magic isn't hurt, Elsa. It's still just inside, flowing through you like normal," Anna pointed out.
"I can't channel it properly," Elsa said quietly, and looked away, her expression a bit pained at the admission. I don't know how else to put it. I never thought I'd miss that, never in a million years, but I don't...feel right. It's much better than the hurt from before, but I don't like my magic feeling like this, either.
Elsa, that's greedy. You should not be thinking that. Just be grateful the ice no longer hurts.
But...it feels wrong! Why is thinking that so bad?
Anna set the dinner tray on the floor, gently took Elsa's cool hands in hers, and gave them a squeeze. "It's there, Elsa, and I think you know it as well as I do. I think...I think you probably can't channel it through your feet like when you ice the floor to skate. But, you mostly direct your magic with your hands anyway. I mean, you made your pretty dress easily. It doesn't feel like you lost any of your magic inside, does it?"
Elsa considered this for a minute. "No. I know it's there like always, but my legs can't feel it, even though I know the magic is there. It's...dull. The magic is sad. Does that...make sense?" Elsa sounded hesitant; it was clear she didn't particularly want to discuss it, even though she would answer Anna's questions when asked.
"Yeah, it does. Why wouldn't it be sad? Its owner is badly hurt and probably a bit sad too, even if she's happy because all those people accepted her." That's proof. Elsa might claim she doesn't care about what happened to her, but it's not true. Elsa's magic is tied to how she feels, and she says her magic is sad. Anna gave her a hug, and Elsa immediately relaxed and went limp in her arms. Elsa hiccuped as if she were trying not to cry, and a few tiny telltale snowflakes floated around her. "It's okay to cry, you know," she whispered in Elsa's ear.
"I don't have reason to, we're safe and you didn't leave me-"
"Elsa, it's not wrong or selfish to cry for a bit because you're injured. It's okay," Anna interrupted firmly. She tucked Elsa back among the pillows with a light blanket and smiled at her. "You rest now, 'cause I have got this feeling we're going to need your help." I'm angry that she's hurt, but she doesn't need her legs to work to use her powers to protect everyone. That's just a fact. Not that I want her to have to, but I want her to know that she can. And why does this have to happen to her? She deserves some fun calm time after everything! It's ridiculous. I'd say I need a bunch of trustworthy bodyguards for her but I don't think she would like that. No I need to make it so she defends herself better. Elsa did try this time, but I'm sure she could've very well got rid of Damian before he did anything if she reacted better.
Elsa was silent for a few minutes before she spoke. "I wanted to go ice skating with you again," she mumbled almost inaudibly. Now I can't. I'm not optimistic or naive enough to think I'm going to be able to walk again. I suppose there's a slim chance, but...especially since that bullet wasn't even normal. I should be dead...I'm lucky he didn't aim at my head. That was stupid on his part. He was so set on exposing my magic he didn't even succeed in what he was trying to do.
Anna gulped. That was not what she had expected Elsa to say. "Well, at least we got to do it some in the ballroom. Besides, I'm terrible at ice skating," she blurted, unsure what to tell Elsa. "Are...are you okay?"
No. No I'm not. I'm scared and I hurt so much and I wish we could go back home already. Elsa finally just shook her head and didn't answer aloud. There wasn't anything Anna could do to fix her anyway. She wondered what their parents would say upon seeing her now. It's my fault. You went outside the gates, what did you expect, Elsa? You made a serious mistake, and now you must deal with the consequences. "I should step down and give you my position," Elsa said now.
"No, you shouldn't. You're not incapable of doing your paperwork stuffs. You're going to get better, Elsa, so there. We'll figure out how. Maybe your magic can heal you somehow, I don't know." Anna wondered just what Elsa was thinking about that had made her say that all of a sudden.
"I know that. I don't mind the paperwork." And I don't have healing magic, Elsa wanted to say, but she decided not to.
"Then why'd you say it?!" Anna asked indignantly.
"Because," Elsa's voice was choked with tears now, "because ever since you found me, you're the only reason I can function at all. You saved me from myself; you s-saved me from Pieter; you picked me up from the street after...what happened. You helped me with all my writing after I hurt my arm before. What have I done but give y-you trouble?" And now you're still taking care of this broken thing that can't take care of herself. Elsa fiddled with the beads on her special bracelet uncomfortably, hoping Anna would understand. "I have done nothing for you but make life more difficult."
Anna considered that for a moment; then just crossed her arms. "That's just not true. Elsa, you sacrificed your own childhood so I could have mine. I think...I think maybe your choices and what you did when you were little made you the person you are now. You could've turned into a bitter creep after what happened to you, but instead you're still you. I, um...I can't give all that time back, but maybe it's my turn to give back what I can. I love you, Elsa. You're not troublesome to me, okay? Please believe me. You're my friend. I want to help." I don't know what I can tell her. I kinda understand where Elsa's coming from though, what else could she think?
"I do believe you. I just...don't understand. It...it's like there's something inside me that won't let me...fully believe it. I don't know. I would always understand if you just...got rid of me eventually. I...I wouldn't stop you." Elsa lifted her hand and held out her signature snowflake, the faint glow shining on her face. "It's not even just my magic that makes me a problem; for whatever reason, you like it."
"Well, I'm glad you're starting to realize your powers aren't a problem, but the rest of you isn't a problem, either," Anna informed her. That's new. Elsa realized she can genuinely help people with her magic after revealing herself in public like that. She's not trashing that part of her right now. But...but that means she just thinks she's a problem because she's hurting. That...is almost worse. "Really, just think about it. Let's pretend you're me and I'm you for a minute. Would you really consider 'getting rid of me' even for a second just because I was hurting?"
Elsa dropped her snowflake and twisted the blanket in her hands, feeling a bit embarrassed. "No, of course not. That is disgusting and horrible," she said in an oddly neutral voice. What is Anna thinking asking me that? "I would never murder my sister or get rid of her, never ever, no matter what, whether she was like me or not."
"Then why did you say you'd understand if I did that to you?" Anna asked gently. "You know I wouldn't do something like that."
Elsa closed her eyes and wouldn't answer.
"Elsa, look at me. Why did you say that?"
I don't know. Because I'm used to thinking I don't deserve anything at all. Because I'm scared and part of me would be relieved if I didn't have to live anymore, even though I don't want to...die. I want to be here, I want to be here with Anna. I know I do. I just...don't want to make everything complicated for her. She threw up because she was scared for me. What if my memories did that to her? A single tear ran down Elsa's cheek, and she roughly swiped at her eyes. "I'm sorry."
"Elsa," Anna said her name again. "Why did you say that? Are you feeling...suicidal or something again? I'm not going to judge you or be mad at you for it if that's what's wrong, but I gotta know so I can help you better. You need to tell me!"
Elsa immediately shook her head, but then hesitated and nodded a tiny bit too. Those thoughts weren't exactly not, even if she didn't want to die, either. I have to tell her something...I don't know how. I don't understand me, so I can't explain myself to her, either. "I just...I don't want to make everything complicated for you anymore. I don't want to hurt anyone. And...and I'm so tired. I'm tired of being me. I don't know," she answered. "The months since you rescued me are the best months of my life in literally a decade. Even if I seem to be constantly getting into horrible trouble. For the first time I...I feel like I have...real hope for the future, even if I am still anxious and scared often. It probably doesn't look like it, but...that is the truth."
Okay, well, at least Elsa's being honest. I don't think she really understands how she feels and so she can't tell me even though she wants to. That's fine. So we'll figure it out together. "Would part of you still feel like you don't want to be here if you knew you weren't 'making things complicated', weren't going to hurt anyone, and weren't so tired?" Anna asked, keeping a tight hold on Elsa's cold hand.
"Of course not. The reasons would no longer exist," came Elsa's instant reply.
"Okay, that's good. We're going to make the reasons go away then. You're probably feeling yucky emotions partly 'cause of...what happened. I think you're all stressed out from being seriously hurt. It probably made everything worse, especially after the whole fixing memories thing. The tired. Is that something that's going to go away if you sleep some more? I don't think drugged sleep from taking medicine counts all that much. Speaking of that, you oughta take another dose, prob'ly." I have to help her. Elsa is trying to get better, but it's like everything's working against her. I mean Elsa being shot like this is enough by itself to make somebody feel terrible. Anna was determined to help, even if she wasn't really sure how to do so.
Elsa actually smiled a tiny bit now. Anna probably is right. Maybe I feel all wrong and weird inside because I'm physically hurt too. "No, it's not that kind of tired. I'll be fine that way. Being around you helps me sleep better."
"I think it is, at least sort of. Because if you mean your, like, emotions are tired because you don't know how to handle them, or you're hurting inside, that's gonna interrupt you sleeping the same way your back hurting really bad would," Anna pointed out. "I mean, I don't know, because we don't have anything that tells us how to help make anxiety or depressed feelings go away, but it'd make sense, right? I know you. Elsa, I've been around you enough to know that your brain goes a million miles a minute like all the time, even though you usually don't share all those thoughts, whether you're upset or not. You have deep complex emotions you stuff away and don't want to or don't know how to deal with. I know so, 'cause I felt them when I got to see your memories." Oh bother, why did I say that? I'll make Elsa sad.
"I made you feel my emotions through my old memories?!" Elsa sounded horrified now. I knew it. I don't want to do that to her!
Anna smiled at her and nodded. Well I messed up saying that, now I gotta fix it. "Yes, and I'm gonna use what I learned t' help you feel better now. Like if you were an actress in a play and you become the character for a bit to be them properly? Like that. You felt the same when you saw little me's memories, right?"
"Well...yes, but yours were good! They actually helped me be okay after those trolls did that to us," Elsa admitted. Little Anna was funny and those memories made me happy. "All mine did was make you upset!"
"No. They made me understand you better," Anna corrected. "Also, they weren't all bad memories. I saw pre-accident ones too. You were cute and awfully funny, Elsa. For all your little prim and proper acting ways, you were also mischievous and loved playing games with me. Thought four-year-old me was lovable but a great big messy pain and hated me trying to borrow your dresses, did you?" Anna couldn't help teasing Elsa a bit; she would stop if the older girl seemed upset. She wanted to make Elsa laugh, or at least smile.
Elsa's pale cheeks turned pink, but her eyes seemed livelier now, and she was indeed smiling. "You would get them all dirty," she protested. Thank you, Anna. That actually does make me feel better.
"Would it help if I told you which bad ones I got, Elsa, or would that make it worse?" Anna asked carefully. I won't ask her to discuss it right now, but maybe not knowing is bothering her? She wanted to talk to Elsa about the whole thing anyway, but she also didn't want to stress Elsa out more by forcing her to talk about it.
"...It would help, because honestly right now that part just feels like a blur to me. I don't like not knowing which of my horrible old memories are the ones Pabbie accidentally forced you to see." Elsa seemed calm and matter of fact now.
Anna took a deep breath and brushed a stray wisp of hair out of Elsa's face. "Okay. There were a bunch of rapid-fire blurry ones where you just seemed really sad and were looking out your window or hidden under the bed. You must have done that a lot. There were only a couple actually clear scenes post accident-so don't think I legit saw everything you can remember. It was kind of like your magic just ripped a couple free so you'd be strong enough to throw Pabbie out. I saw little ten-year-old ish you trapped in your closet for absolutely nothing," she said indignantly, "and I saw one of the...dungeon cell times. It was the one where I came down and found you. You...you felt very hurt and lonely but then you were all happy and relieved. Which I already knew. And..." she trailed off, unsure whether to finish. Elsa appeared fine, but her hand was growing cold, which said otherwise.
"Anna, I want to know, please."
"...I think you were maybe my age or a bit younger, I'm not sure. Dad slapped you because he didn't like something you said," Anna said hesitantly. Please don't be scared, Elsa. Why did I even tell her this stuff? She doesn't need to remember that right now. But...she asked. I can't lie to her. Well I mean I guess I could but then she won't trust me anymore if she finds out. I shan't lose Elsa's trust. That's something she gave me and I'm not going to ruin it.
Elsa gave a start and tried to sit up, looking indignant, and Anna quickly wrapped her in a hug instead. "Papa never, ever hit me!" she protested. "I'd...I'd remember that!" Yet...Anna must be right. She wouldn't randomly make that up. I do remember something odd right then... Elsa put one hand to her cheek, as if remembering what had happened. "I was practicing giving and writing a speech...did I ask if he could knock m-me out so I wouldn't...wouldn't wake up? And...he didn't want to...hear me say that...?" I...thought that was a dream. It was real? Did Anna just see a bad dream of mine? I don't remember this. "Maybe you saw a dream," she said in a small voice.
Anna spoke carefully, keeping the blanket around Elsa so she wouldn't worry she might be too cold for Anna to hold. "I don't think so. That memory is the one that snapped the connection between us and Grand Pabbie. I think you stuffed it away subconsciously and convinced yourself it was a dream because it hurt too much. And your magic, like, 'found' it and used it. Elsa, you were writing about your magic as a "secret defense" in your speech to defend Arendelle. A bit of you actually felt angry and wanted to release your ice. You actually attempted to speak up a little for yourself, even if it wasn't expressed clearly or in a good way. It'd make sense to use a memory like that to throw outside magic away from your mind. Multiple strong emotions, it was directly about your magic. I really don't think that was a bad dream you once had, Elsa. I'm very, very sorry." It explains why she didn't make a fuss about the dungeon too. Of course she didn't attempt speaking up for herself again. She had tried before and it didn't work. Even if she didn't consciously remember that...incident, it probably really hurt her and she didn't want something like it to happen again.
Anna decided she was all the more impressed at Elsa's actions in the marketplace the more she thought about it. Elsa had spoken up, something she was not used to doing and was difficult for her, and she had purposely used her magic to defend others in a controlled way in public without panicking or making any magic mistakes...and while she hadn't been able to prevent Damian from hurting her, she had defended herself all the same. She had not just given up and allowed him to harm her. And she had not just shut down and stopped fighting after being injured, either. I still wish Elsa had used her magic on him, but at least she did something.
Elsa didn't cry or answer immediately; she just stayed still and took a deep breath. I don't want to think that that's real. Papa, why? What did I do? Did I do a bad thing at home? No, I had to. I had to protect my people. That can't be wrong, I don't believe it. "I don't want to believe Dad did that," she whispered.
"I know. I don't either." Anna felt sick again thinking that while she had been skipping around the castle asking Elsa to come out and play, things like that had been going on; and she'd been oblivious, though she had thought something wasn't right all the same. Maybe Elsa's child self remembered and interpreted those awful things wrong, but Anna didn't think so. And I'm sure Dad had good intentions, but it doesn't...excuse or fix anything. I wonder if he's more like Elsa than any of us think. I wonder if he lashed out and got mad at her because he saw himself. I know he didn't like showing lots of emotion. He probably did that stupid conceal don't feel garbage himself and thought it would be good for Elsa!
"You...you won't yell at him after we rescue them, will you?" Elsa asked hopefully. I might be a tiny bit angry somewhere inside, but mostly I feel...numb and hurt about it. I just want Dad to love and approve of me, too.
"I don't know, Elsa," Anna said honestly. Why does she even care? The same reason she was kind to Pieter, I guess...it's just the way Elsa is. "I'm not gonna promise not to yell at him, because I know you won't."
"How is that going to help anything? Don't we want to try to...make everything okay again? That would be a very lousy welcome home. He might be hurt. He has feelings too, even if he didn't like...expressing them." Elsa's voice was muffled against Anna's shoulder, but she didn't care. I might still not feel well and I hurt quite a bit, but...inside-me is all right now. I feel safe with Anna. If she knows those things and still is treating me exactly the same as always, then I know she won't leave. "Besides, that would not make a good first impression anyway."
What does she mean, "okay again", it was never okay, Anna thought sourly. "Look, should we be successful with this whole rescuing thing, I'll give him a chance. One. And only one. And the second he does or says something I decide isn't nice to you-I decide, not you-I'm making it very clear I'm not putting up with that. I'll do whatever it takes to shut that garbage down immediately. You know what happened isn't fair, Elsa. I know you know. It's not happening again. Please don't let anyone walk all over you anymore in some effort to make them accept you. Anyone who doesn't isn't worth your time or emotional energy. You can't...force people to like you. Dad himself taught us that when we were little and had lessons and stuff. So. That stands here too."
"But I love Papa. He did his best."
"Well, if that was his best, that's horrible and on him. You can't possibly think slapping your daughter in the face is okay. You weren't even disrespectful or something. It wasn't justified at all. Not that I think it would've been okay even if you had been being rude or obnoxious, but...you weren't. If he thought for two seconds he would have known you were indirectly crying for help!" Anna hesitated; Elsa's cheeks had turned red and she looked embarrassed. "Elsa, there is nothing your depressing memories showed me that you should be embarrassed for. Absolutely nothing. None of what happened was your fault."
"I just...you're making it sound like...like Dad is the villain here. I don't like it. Surely at least most of it was my fault. Not his. I'm the one that...wasn't made right," Elsa said softly. I don't even know how to explain myself. Do I really believe what I just said, even? I never asked to be born different. I didn't ask to have my magic. All those people in the marketplace didn't think that.
"Good grief, Elsa, think about what you just said. You were born with your magic. We have an ancestor that was different, just like you. The ice powers are from Dad! Even if you're trying to say that you 'weren't made right', which is dumb, it's still Dad's so-called fault." Anna scowled. I wish I'd got magic like Elsa. It would've been fun to learn and practice together.
Elsa looked puzzled for a moment, but then she nodded. That does make sense.
"And I know you love our parents, I do too, but you can love Dad and not put up with his...his abuse! I'm sorry, but it's true. I hate that. You know in some ways you're all grown up but in others you're like a little kid. You don't owe Dad anything. You haven't got to get his approval to be worth something, okay? You're worth something to me, and you're also worth something to all of those people that defended you in the marketplace, too." Anna tried to pull away a little so she could see Elsa's face, but Elsa dipped her head and looked away. Why won't she look at me now? Elsa doesn't usually do that so much anymore... "Elsa...? Are you all right?"
"Do I look all right?" Elsa blurted before she could think to say something else or just stay quiet. Elsa, that was rude. Anna is sitting here trying to take care of you and you just snapped at her. Apologize. "I...I'm-"
"No. You don't. That was a stupid question," Anna interrupted gently. Of course she's frustrated. Elsa's not mad at me. "Let's try again. Is there anything else I can do or get for you that would help?"
Elsa shook her head. Not unless you can fix the broken outside part of me, and that is impossible. You can fix the broken inside part, though. I thought it was impossible, but it's not. "This helps. I...I will be fine like this as long as I c-can have you near." Elsa still wouldn't meet Anna's eyes, but she seemed relaxed now. Anna isn't going to get rid of you, Elsa. You can trust her. Even if you couldn't talk to her, even if you can't walk anymore, she would still stay. You know that.
I know. I'm scared of Papa taking her away. I know he's alive now for sure, so I'm more frightened than before. If he doesn't approve of me then he won't want me near Anna anymore. I'm scared I won't be able to explain everything.
You can write a letter, Elsa. If you can't speak up out loud, then speak up on paper.
Anna held her tighter and spoke firmly. "I'm not gonna leave you, Elsa. You being injured just makes me all the more insistent that I don't leave you alone. It will be okay. You can cry as much as you need to, you can shout, yell, sleep, I don't care. I will not leave. I promise. I'm not going to leave you, Elsa, even if you push me away. I'd be really hurt and mad if you did, but I won't abandon you." No matter how long it takes for her to heal-all of her, both inside and out-I'll stay. I might get tired but I shan't let her be alone. "I love you. Gerda loves you too. And Kai. And Uncle Thomas and Aunt Primrose-I know it even though we haven't met them yet. They'll help us. That's why we're going to Corona, remember?"
Elsa didn't answer for awhile, trying to figure out what exactly she wanted to say. Finally she just asked, "Do you think it would be wrong for me to run away after we rescue Mom and Dad if I can't...deal?" That is a ridiculous question; you literally can't do that, Elsa.
"Elsa, you sort of can't..." Anna mumbled cautiously.
"Pretend I wasn't shot."
"Well, no, but Elsa, if you have the guts to do that, why can't you just refuse to go into your ol' room in the first place? Yeah, assuming your legs don't heal, someone could just pick you up and move you, but unlike an ordinary girl, you have your magic. You don't have to hurt anyone with it to prevent being mistreated." Anna paused before adding, "And you don't even have to talk if you don't want to."
"Maybe...maybe I could make personal rules. I can put up with insert certain thing here, but not...other thing here. Is that illogical?" I just want to be prepared for anything. Elsa's pensive expression assured Anna that while Elsa was definitely frightened of what might happen, she was also trying to think clearly.
"Of course not. That seems very reasonable. And what will you do if a protect-myself-rule is broken?"
"I had not gotten that far yet," said Elsa, but she was smiling a little now.
Anna had a sudden realization. Those people like Elsa. Dad is smart; he wouldn't want to cause a fuss. I shouldn't have to make a huge stink at all. We'll probably be able to make him understand fairly easily. It'll be fine. "You know, Elsa, you'd probably get fussed at for revealing your powers and being around me, but really...what's Dad going to do? The people already know, and they like you. Like just say you were supposed to go in that horrid cell you destroyed again. Erik and a lot of our staff would be pissed. Dad wouldn't want to, um, what's the word? Alienate? Yeah. Alienate all of them. If you express that you're hurt by something he does, they will revolt in your favor. Right?"
"But I don't want to hurt our parents. I don't want anyone to know what...I'm like inside either. It would make me feel exposed a-and...vulnerable. I just...I guess I just want our family whole again. I...selfishly wish they would l-love and accept me for...me...like you do." Elsa's voice was quiet, and she gazed out the window. And I don't want to let myself hope and then be disappointed again.
Anna wasn't sure what to say to that, so she just sat silently with Elsa and looked out the window too.
Elsa woke in the night to frantic knocking on their cabin door. Anna locked that! I can't answer it... Anna was fast asleep beside her; Elsa could hear her snoring. The storm. The storm is here. Elsa's finely attuned senses told her it was sleeting fiercely outside and very windy and cold. The ship creaked and rocked on the waves, and Elsa felt as if her heart just sank to her stomach. What if the ship sinks? Then what? What can I do?
"Miss Elsa! It's just Gerda. Are you able to wake your sister up and get her to answer the door? Please!"
"I...I can try." Elsa winced as she sat up; then bit her lip trying to decide whether to wake Anna up or not. Anna did not like the ship or the storm. Waking her up might scare her. I should be able to answer the door. Think, Elsa. There must be something I can do with my magic...besides just blasting the door open. I used to be able to push Anna and me around the ballroom when we were little. I pushed our ice sled along on the way to the troll valley too. Can I do the same thing to pick myself up now...? Elsa really really did not want to bother Anna and wake her up.
Gerda grew worried when she heard a soft thump and muffled yelp. "Are you all right?"
Elsa blinked and took a deep breath. Okay. I'm off the bed. Now what? "I'm all right," she called. Time for magic.
"Elsa? What are you trying to do?" Anna asked sleepily. "Hey. Are you okay? What are you doing out of bed? Do you need something?" She quickly hopped up and knelt next to Elsa, worried she had somehow hurt herself further, but Elsa appeared to be fine, or at least as fine as she had been before. "How did you get up anyway? I put you next to the wall and I went next to you so you wouldn't fall out of bed if the waves got really bad!"
"I...I just dragged myself out. You sleep like a log and you didn't wake up." Elsa's magic sparked to the door and froze the lock open delicately, no destruction this time like breaking the dungeon chains. "Gerda, it should be open now." Elsa frowned seeing Gerda's expression once the door was open. "What is going on?" She looks worried. Does she think I'm supposed to do something? What can I even do?
"Hi Gerda." Anna yawned and put an arm around Elsa's shoulders. At least she didn't hurt herself more. I don't think she did anyways. "Why'd you need us? Elsa is supposed to be sleeping!" Her eyes grew big as she felt-and heard-the ship rocking and creaking amidst the storm. "What's going on? Is the ship sinking or something?" Anna asked nervously, clutching Elsa.
Gerda's candle was casting dim creepy shadows around the cabin, and Elsa bit her lip. The storm outside was making her feel antsy and jumpy, yet beyond the fear she also had the odd urge that she wanted to go outside. Storms make me feel more...alive. I don't understand, but... "Is it safe on the deck?" Elsa found herself asking.
"Why on earth are you asking that, Elsa?!" Anna asked incredulously. "I'm not taking you up there-what if we get washed overboard or-never mind." She carefully picked Elsa up and put her back on the lower bunk.
"Because the storm would be more exciting and less frightening in the open," Elsa explained. That probably sounds odd, but...that is how I feel. If I could go up there by myself right now, I probably would. She glanced out the window and then back at Gerda. "I still don't know what either of us are needed for?"
"Ah...the captain woke me up to say I should make sure you two were safe and ready to abandon ship if absolutely necessary. He didn't think that would happen at all but warned me to tell you now just in the extreme case. Evidently there are some leaks in the hull," Gerda explained.
Elsa's blue eyes practically lit up. I could help! She thought for a moment and then said, "I can fix it, but I need to be able to touch it. I don't trust myself to seal it without doing that," she said slowly. "Anna, will you-"
"Is the ship going to sink unless Elsa helps?" Anna interrupted, still holding onto Elsa tightly. She really, really did not want Elsa going off anywhere unless it was absolutely necessary. Elsa needed to rest and sleep as much as possible.
Gerda hesitated. "I don't think so, but there is a chance. It was just precautions, and since he knows it's his responsibility to deliver you to Corona safely, he wanted me to give warning now."
"Then I don't want Elsa going anywhere. Not unless we're in dire trouble." Anna was firm about this. Elsa was acting like her normal self, but she knew the older girl did not feel as okay as she wanted Anna to think, even if she was mostly happy right now. She had a sick inkling that if Elsa wasn't so used to being in pain from her magic before, she probably would be crying and not be able to do much of anything at all if she didn't take enough medicine to knock herself out so she could rest.
"Anna, please. Erik did not have to arrange passage for us; the captain did not have to hide us. Let's do what we can, all right? I shall be fine as long as you help me," Elsa said firmly. "I can rest as much as I need to once we get to Corona...hopefully." If Uncle Thomas and Aunt Primrose don't mind dealing with me, she couldn't help thinking.
"I just don't want you to be hurting," Anna protested. "I know every time I pick you up it hurts you. I can see it in your face even though you don't complain or say anything about it. You oughta be lying down and resting 'til you heal."
Elsa glanced toward the porthole window; it was too dark to see anything, but she could hear the sleet pelting the glass, and she could oddly sense the storm. If she left it alone it was going to pound them and get worse and worse. I need to move it, a little voice told her. I need to try. Not ice the ship, which could ruin it. Move the storm off our route. "Gerda, please come back and tell us if my help is absolutely necessary. I can do it, but then the entire crew will know we're aboard for sure. We don't want them to be targeted for knowing where we have gone when they return to Arendelle if we can help it. It's...it's probably going to be hard enough to get us off the ship discreetly." I want to help, but the important thing is we stay hidden if possible. If no one is in danger, Anna and I should stay right here in this little cabin and lock the door. We shouldn't go out on deck anyway. I have a plan.
"Very well, Miss Elsa. You and your sister stay safe here in the meantime. May I bring either of you anything?" Gerda asked.
Anna looked at Elsa, who just shook her head. "I think we're good. I'll make sure Elsa's safe and make her rest." She gave the older girl a pointed look, but Elsa had her eyes closed, her hand on the porthole glass, as if she were trying to touch the storm outside. What's Elsa trying to do?
Gerda smiled at them and left, closing the door behind her. Elsa didn't react; she still seemed focused on whatever she was doing or thinking about touching the window. Anna stayed where she was with her arm around Elsa and decided not to interrupt what Elsa was doing, since she did not seem upset.
"...Anna, could you open this window?" Elsa asked hesitantly a minute later. Her hand was sparking with blue magic now, not in an out of control way, just like she was holding back a great deal of power and waiting to release it at the right time. I can do it. I can feel it inside somehow. I just need to move it away from us and send it elsewhere. The storm would not be badly dangerous not at sea.
"Um...I guess so? Here, Elsa, I'm going to lay you down for a second so I can get the window," Anna told her. She gently laid Elsa down on her side, lit a candle, and began fiddling with the window latch. "I don't really get why, but if it'll help you feel better, I will." Anna glanced at Elsa's hand; now she was holding the sparking one against her chest pointed towards herself just in case she made a mistake, but Elsa didn't appear frightened in any way either. Elsa's eyes were closed, her expression calm but determined. She doesn't seem out of control at all. What's she trying to do?
The second the porthole opened, the wind began blowing the snow and sleet mixture inside their little cabin. Out went the candle. Anna yelped and hopped off the bunk in surprise, even though she had known that would happen. Elsa bit her lip hard to keep from making any pained sounds, and the magic sparking around her hand faded. "Anna, I...I am sorry. Are you all right?"
I think I hurt her and she's asking me if I'm okay. "Yeah, but you aren't! I'm really really sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you. Don't...don't move. I'll hold you by the window if that's what you need. What are you trying to do?" Anna was not sure what to do now; Elsa would not admit she was hurting and probably wouldn't ask for help.
Elsa sounded mildly amused even though Anna could tell she was still in pain too. "I can't go anywhere, Anna, don't worry," she deadpanned. "I...I want to move the storm away. To protect the ship." Elsa flinched as if she were worried Anna might react badly to that, even though Anna had been the one to bring it up earlier. Her voice was so quiet Anna could barely hear her. I am pretty sure I can. I'll be very tired, but that's all right.
Anna hesitated, debating whether to argue that or not. I love that Elsa wants to use her magic for something like that, but...she's hurt. I don't want her to hurt herself using her powers, and I don't want her hurting herself not using them either. But I'm the one who brought it up earlier. I can't now tell her not to. "Elsa, are you sure you can do something that big right now without hurting yourself more? I know you just want to help, and hearing you say you want to use your magic in a big way is awesome. But I'm still really worried about you." She fumbled to relight the candle again and set it in its wall fixture.
"It won't hurt my...normal injuries, if that's what you mean," Elsa said carefully. I have no idea how much doing that would drain me magic-wise, but I feel like I can do it.
Anna frowned and crossed her arms. "Does that mean it's going to hurt your magic instead? Or make you feel sick?"
Elsa looked at her earnestly. "It wouldn't hurt me. The worst that might happen is I feel sick and need to sleep...which I know I should do anyways." Please don't try to prevent me from helping. I think this is something I can actually do. The only reason I think it is because of you.
"Will you at least stop if your magic starts feeling too drained and tired?" Anna knew the answer before Elsa said it.
"No. I will keep trying with everything I have if I must. Please let me help." Please don't tell me not to. I feel so useless and I want to help. Elsa wished she could explain herself better.
Anna hesitated. If she tried to order Elsa not to try, Elsa would probably listen even though she didn't have to, but she would also hurt Elsa's feelings. I can't let Elsa hurt herself. Is doing this going to hurt her worse? She scrunched her eyes shut, thinking. "Elsa, just...be honest. I don't want to lose you. I don't want you hurting yourself worse. Can you do this without doing that? If it's just going to make you tired, then fine. But I...I just can't let you harm yourself again. That includes your magic. Hurting your magic is also harming yourself. What Damian did to you is not your fault obviously, but I don't want you to make yourself injured further by pushing yourself too much."
The rain and sleet continued pelting into the room through the open porthole. Elsa wished again that she could go outside. "I swear I just want to help," she whispered. "Please believe me. I don't know what exactly it would do to me because I...I've never done s-something like this before."
Anna sensed she had probably pushed a bit too much. Elsa can't tell me. She doesn't know. "I believe you," she told Elsa, hoping she was doing the right thing. "If you can promise doing this won't...k-kill you...then do it."
Elsa didn't smile but didn't hesitate either. "I can promise that." The response was immediate. Thank you, Anna. Thank you for trusting me.
"Then tell me what you need."
"I want you to put a cloak on so you aren't cold. Then help me be right in front of that window. Please." Elsa was so, so relieved Anna was willing to believe her and help her do this.
"You got it." Anna still did not like Elsa's plan, but she had decided to trust Elsa about it. Hopefully I don't regret letting her try.
"You're still okay, Elsa? You're trembling and really cold," Anna said worriedly a few minutes later. She was holding Elsa up by the window, and the cold wintry weather mix was hitting both of them straight on. I'm freezing. I can't tell Elsa that.
The ship continued rocking, and Anna felt Elsa flinch every time they slammed down into the trough of a wave. "I'm okay. Don't...don't worry, no matter what. If I think I can't finish without passing out, I...I'll warn you." Elsa closed her eyes and put her hand outside into the storm. Magic sparked out into the darkness. I can do this. I have to. Come to me, storm. I like it. You make me feel more alive. But I need it to go away from us. Away from our route. I have a mental picture of it.
Elsa poured more energy into her mission. Whatever strength she had left, she would use it for this. Behind her, Anna loyally stayed put, burying her face in Elsa's cold shoulder to keep from being pelted by the sleet. Elsa sensed Anna's assumption that her injuries did not mean her magic was damaged in any way was spot on. It easily came to her fingers, pounding through her and ready to unleash. It felt wonderful. It was not going to explode in unwanted, dangerous fashion and hurt Anna. The magic felt happy to her, happy she was willing to use it and saying, yes Elsa, I will behave for you now.
Elsa smiled. Unable to control the surge of power with only one hand, she lifted her other hand too and ignored the aching pain that spread up her arm. I'm just using it to support my good hand. I can do this.
Power leaped out of the window into the night, spreading above the ship into the sky. Instantly the waves quieted and the wind eased. The rain and sleet mix morphed to fat snowflakes pouring down. Elsa put her hands together, careful to keep most of the power in her good hand, but she could still feel herself starting to give out. Just a few seconds more. Push it away. Away now. Over land.
The water went glassy and calm. The sky twinkled with stars. Elsa sighed in satisfaction and drooped against Anna. So tired. Very tired. "Done," she whispered happily. Simpler than I thought, too.
Anna lifted her head from Elsa's shoulder and peeked out the window. It looks so peaceful now. Elsa really did it. "And you're all right?" she asked.
"Just tired...want to sleep." Elsa sounded so happy and pleased with herself that Anna was sure she had to be all right. "I...I'm f-fine. Thank you for...your help." I did it! I really did. Anna helped me. She felt Anna gently tuck her back under the covers and brush damp hair away from her face.
"I didn't really do anything, but I'm proud of you. The Elsa I found those months ago wouldn't have been able to do what you did just now, especially with me being close to you." Wait...if Elsa had been taught how to use her magic before...she could have saved Mom's and Dad's ship from sinking. Or whatever happened with the storm then, she could have helped. Anna squeezed Elsa's hand; the older girl flinched and pulled her hand away, but then reached for Anna herself with her other hand. "Did you hurt your arm again doing that, Elsa?" Elsa's silence answered her question, but she didn't seem unhappy or upset in any way, so Anna decided not to fuss at her. She did save the ship from being damaged further, which dangerous or not costs money to fix, and I know she wasn't purposely trying to hurt herself, she just wanted to help. "Do you mind if I stay with you?"
"'Course not." I'd be scared if you left, actually. Elsa immediately dropped off to sleep, feeling warm and content.
"Captain, you gotta have Princess Elsa aboard. She just saved your ship. I thought I just saw magic. Either that or she helped us from back in Arendelle. Can she do that?"
The captain eyed his trusted chief officer carefully. He and Erik had discussed that he would need at least one other person in confidence to get Anna and Elsa off the ship safely and discreetly. Frederic was young and would be able to deliver a message to Corona castle without being noticed as long as he went and played the poor street boy he had been all the years before when he'd first begged to be allowed aboard as a cabin boy. Now he was a son to him and he trusted Frederic implicitly. "Come with me to my quarters."
"Of course." Frederic followed him to said quarters and waited expectantly for whatever the captain might tell him.
"I need you to deliver a message for me once we arrive in Corona. Not in uniform. The street boy I adopted. I don't want you noticed. You know the princesses are here. They must get to their relatives in Corona safely, no matter what. Do not tell anyone they're aboard. If they think it from seeing the magic then so be it, but if anyone asks, we don't know how it happened and she must have stopped the storm somehow from Arendelle. It's magic; no one will question that. Understand?"
"Can she do that?" Frederic was intrigued by this idea. He wanted to talk to her now. They were orphans too, weren't they? Maybe he could take her and Anna one of his woodcarvings he worked on in his free time and say, sorry about your parents. No that was lame. They wouldn't want to talk about that. Besides, he wasn't really an orphan anymore with the captain as his dad.
"I don't know. All I know is that girl is our new queen and she is currently under our protection due to circumstances out of everyone's control. My job is to deliver her and her sister safely-and hidden-to Corona castle. What happens after that is up to, I suppose I can call her this already, Queen Elsa, and her aunt and uncle in Corona." Frederic's second adoptive father gave him a serious look. "We must act normal. I'd like to think my entire crew is trustworthy, but I will not risk it. The storm is gone and the wind in our favor, so we will sail as fast as possible. If you see anything suspicious, please inform me."
Frederic tried to look serious but mostly he was just excited now. "Do you think it would be okay to talk to them?"
"Frederic, let them rest. If you want to see them you will have to ask their servant, Gerda, first. She can decide if either of them are up for any kind of visitor. One is seriously injured and the other is probably traumatized from seeing her sibling like that. We're supposed to be protecting them, not making them into a freak show."
Now Frederic looked amused. "I bet that Elsa could make lots of money and get rich off entertaining people with her magic if she wasn't already a rich royal," he said, clearly thinking this idea was quite funny.
"Don't disrespect her like that. I know you're just joking around, but still do not let me hear you say anything like that again, please."
Frederic appeared suitably chastened, though he still thought his idea was funny.
Anna jerked awake in the morning to a familiar knock on the door. Must be Gerda. She carefully slid off the narrow lower bunk, making sure not to jostle Elsa, who was still sleeping next to her. But then when she opened the door, she also saw a sheepish-looking redheaded boy in an officer's uniform trying to hide behind Gerda but too tall to do so. "Gerda, who is that?" she asked, pointing at the boy.
Gerda was startled and whipped around to see who was behind her. The boy stumbled backwards, his cane smacking against the corridor wall, clearly surprised himself. "I told you to wait until I spoke with them!" she scolded, not caring that this boy was second in command aboard the ship because of his adoptive father. "Miss Anna, I'm sorry. This is Frederic, the captain's adopted son. He saw Miss Elsa's magic last night when she stopped the storm and is going to be the delivery person for contacting your aunt and uncle once we arrive, so he knows you two are here."
"Oh. Well, hi," Anna said politely. She stayed put in the doorway, not letting either Gerda or Frederic in. Elsa was asleep and she was not going to wake her up. Then she realized most likely not everyone had seen Elsa's magic the night before fixing the storm. If that was the case she should retreat into the little cabin and not be attracting attention to this corridor. She glanced back at sleeping Elsa and told Gerda and Frederic to come in. "But be quiet, because my sister is sleeping."
"I brought you two breakfast. Frederic, tell the princess your plan. She can tell Miss Elsa later," Gerda said quietly.
Anna felt she needed to hide Elsa; Elsa would not like some stranger seeing her sleep. So she stood in front of Elsa and stayed put. "I don't want to hear any plan now. Tell Elsa after she wakes up, please," she said in her best politely authoritative voice.
Frederic bowed awkwardly and went out looking very disappointed. "Of course, Princess Anna." He closed the door behind him.
Gerda laughed and shook her head. "He's a bit older than your sister but you would think he was about twelve, some of the things he says and does. Must be smart though considering he's been taught to be second in command already."
"What happened to him that he's got a cane or is that just for show?" Anna asked curiously.
"He needs it but likes showing it off because he did all the carvings on it and painted it himself. Very quick to explain about it; he won't mind telling you." Gerda thought Frederic was quite amusing, but now her amused look faded as she looked at Elsa. "Is she okay? I don't know what she did exactly, but it must have been tiring for her to stop a storm like that."
Anna bit her lip. "I...I don't know. I think so. She moved the storm-she didn't get rid of it. Elsa fell asleep almost immediately right after, but she seemed okay. Or at least as okay as she could be. She was happy, at least," she explained.
Gerda touched Elsa's forehead gently. "No fever. That's good. Maybe she's just very tired. Better Miss Elsa sleeps anyway."
"I...'m...fine." Elsa spoke very quietly, but she opened her eyes and blinked at Gerda, clearly still exhausted. I think I really am fine. I'm just exhausted. Was there some other person in here? I don't even know. I guess it doesn't matter since Anna and Gerda are here.
"You always say that, Elsa!" Anna protested. "You don't sound fine." She gave Elsa's hand a squeeze.
"Tired." Elsa's blue eyes drifted shut again, but she squeezed Anna's hand back, and she had a contented smile on her face. I'll be all right. Please don't worry, Anna.
I'm still worried she's not okay but Elsa does need sleep. I should just let her be. "Okay. We'll let you sleep. I'll be right here," Anna promised.
Elsa slept peacefully all day long and into the evening. Anna ate her meals and paced back and forth in the little cabin, but she didn't try waking Elsa up again. She checked constantly to make sure Elsa didn't seem restless or sick, but Elsa only continued sleeping calmly. Finally she woke up just as Anna was starting to eat a late evening snack. "...Anna? I didn't miss us arriving, did I?"
"You woke up! Yay!" Anna exclaimed happily, stuffing the rest of her cookie into her mouth. "Are you feeling...sort of okay? I mean I know okay isn't really the right word but you know what I mean." She wrapped her arms around Elsa and hugged her tightly again. Elsa was there, she was alive, and she did not seem upset. In fact, she seemed quite content, at least at the moment. Elsa's gonna be all right. I'm glad she woke up. "You scared me. I thought I'd lose you or something. I knew you needed to sleep so I didn't wanna wake you up but it was so long. I got scared you wouldn't be here any more. I wanted to talk to you."
Elsa felt warm tears as Anna buried her face in her shoulder. Anna's crying. I made her cry. "I'm here, Anna. Next time wake me up. I...I'd try my best to talk to you," Elsa said, hugging Anna herself. "And to answer your question, I'm all right. My magic doesn't feel tired or sick, and I don't have such a headache anymore, either. I feel much better."
Anna sniffled and pulled away just enough to see Elsa's face. "What about your back?" she asked worriedly. "I don't want you to be hurting at all." I guess at least Elsa's magic is fine. Nobody can really take care of that for her since we don't know how.
"Anna, it's going to hurt for now no matter what we do. Don't worry about it." Elsa tried to give her a reassuring smile. "I shall take half a dose of that nasty medicine. Only half. I don't like feeling all drugged and strange. It...it makes me worried I won't be in control of myself and make magic mistakes." Why does Anna look more worried instead of less? I tried to be honest! "Never mind. I'm fine."
"Liar. You're not either fine-you asking for the pain medicine tells me that!" Anna exclaimed. Elsa was definitely not unhappy, which was good, but Anna could tell just from looking at her that she was hurting. Still...I'd rather her be physically in pain than whatever emotional pain she's always been in. Elsa might be hiding her physical hurts, but she seems genuinely happy. And that part is great! She gently helped Elsa lie back down on her side against the pillows.
"I was being completely honest and then you looked worried. I don't want you to be worried!"
"Well I'd rather you be honest with me and make me worried than hide how you feel! You don't need to try to protect yourself by not showing your real feelings," Anna shot back; then clapped a hand over her mouth, sure that she'd said something very wrong. I probably hurt her snapping like that.
Elsa was startled. I didn't even say anything about that. "That is...exactly right. Why do you just know that...?"
" 'Cause I know you. You might've believed you deserved the bad things that happened to you before but you still didn't like it so you tried to protect yourself by not saying anything. ...Right?" Anna wished yet again that she had broken into Elsa's room years ago. Maybe when she was little she wouldn't have been able to get Elsa out or know how to help her, but certainly she could have at least tried and let Elsa know her magic wasn't going to make Anna hate her. Good. I didn't make her upset.
Elsa nodded shyly. I still don't want to talk about that anymore though. I have Anna here now, and she loves me despite everything. She makes me feel safe. "How are we getting off the ship unnoticed?" she asked now. Subject changed. Discussing a present plan would be better.
Anna decided not to press Elsa further to discuss any hard things; she clearly did not want to talk about it any more. "I don't know exactly, but the captain has an adopted son, Frederic. He's supposed to help. I think he's just a little bit older than you. Do you want me to get Gerda and ask her to find him?"
"No. I, um...I need to mentally prepare myself to actually discuss anything first. Please." That should be all right. I don't like having to talk and not knowing what I want to say first. Elsa was very relieved when Anna immediately said sure and to just let her know when to get him.
"...How long did I sleep? It's dark outside," Elsa said now, realizing the view out the porthole window was black with just pinpoints of stars.
"Almost 24 hours. That's why I was so worried! And then happy when you woke up. You moved the storm at around 11 PM or so last night. It's a bit after 9 PM now. I imagine we'll get to Corona either late tomorrow night or the morning after, I don't know. Something like that. Then we get to meet Aunt Primrose and Uncle Thomas and Rapunzel! Isn't she like exactly your age, Elsa? You guys can be besties." Anna quite liked this idea. While she knew she was far more interested than Elsa in making other friends, she also wanted to get shy Elsa more friends. She deserved them.
"She might not like me," Elsa pointed out, "and how would you like it if cousins you'd never met just randomly showed up at your home needing a place to hide?"
"I'd think it was fun and give them presents and invite them to my room for a sleepover. And if one of them was badly hurt like you I'd spoil her rotten."
Elsa couldn't help laughing. Anna would, too. I have no doubt about it.
A/N: Anna and Elsa will arrive in Corona next chapter and have some nice pleasant downtime for a bit. They certainly deserve it:)
Next chapter coming soon!:)
