Chapter Sixteen: Renouncement

Ahsoka had a feeling that she wasn't the only Jedi that Bail Organa was in contact with when she'd emphasized to both Bail and Breha that absolutely no one was to know about Luke's and Leia's heritage or her connection to them, and Bail asked pointedly, "No one? At all?"

It then became a question who he thought should know. And that's when she found out that Obi-wan was alive.

Ahsoka hadn't expected to feel as conflicted as she did when she realized that, and she was even more conflicted when Bail suggested that having him in the loop could be a boon to her keeping the children safe and out of the Emperor's grasps. Ahsoka didn't know if it was some kind of mother's intuition or if she was just that keenly perceptive, but Breha sensed Ahsoka's unease and suggested that before Ahsoka make that decision, why didn't she see Obi-wan for herself. That and it would be a good trial run to see how the twins would act without Ahsoka in their physical presence for a stretch of time.

Ahsoka agreed and the next day found herself en route to Tatooine with coordinates to where Obi-wan was staying. The only heads up that she allowed Bail to give her grandmaster was that he was sending an operative that could use his expertise.

It was odd, being so far in physical distance from the twins after years of always being with them, though Ahsoka made sure to keep their bond wide open for them. Truth be told though, keeping their bond so open was more for her sake than for theirs. When she'd left, making sure they understood that she was coming back, they simply laughed, kissed her face, and sent across the bond both the feeling and almost fully formed words, We love you, mama. Then they'd leaped from her arms, loudly yelled, "Bye," and chased behind the handmaid holding Winter and who was partly responsible for all three children's care. It was only a few months ago that Leia would hardly let Ahsoka out her sight even to go just to another room, and now they were secure enough in her presence that they were letting her go across the galaxy without them.

"When did I get so soft?" Ahsoka asked herself as she once again checked her bond with Luke and Leia.

Certainly, they were safer on Alderaan than they would be on Tatooine. And Ahsoka didn't think Vader would forgive her for taking the two to the planet he hated the most. She'd thought about just landing the ship in the middle of the desert in front of the coordinates to where Obi-wan stayed, but that would likely attract attention that Obi-wan obviously didn't want since he was hiding this far out here in the first place. So she left her ship in a docking bay in Anchorhead, rented an old dingy speeder, and went to the coordinates from there.

It was nearing nightfall when Ahsoka arrived, and she'd only gotten halfway to the entrance of the hovel before the front door opened, streaming light outside. Obi-wan came to stand in the entryway.

After she'd crossed the distance and was standing a few feet in front of him, she took off her hood, though she was sure she didn't have to. He'd undoubtedly sensed her, barely shielded as she was.

"Hello, Obi-wan," she said simply.

"Hello, Ahsoka," he said.

They stared at each other for a few moments. The first thing she noticed was how sad and beat down he seemed. How weary of spirit he was. The second thing she noticed was because of that weariness, how much he'd aged in the last two years. It wasn't healthy.

"When Bail told me he was sending an agent to get my advice on a matter, I would have never guessed that it would be you," Obi-wan said with a smile.

"I wasn't sure you were still alive until Bail told me," Ahsoka stated.

"Well, are you going to stand out there all night or are you going to come in?"

Ahsoka gave a smile that she hoped wasn't as strained as she felt it was before following him into the hovel. She sat at a small table while he grabbed her a glass of water, giving her a chance to observe the surroundings. It was neat. Tidy. Sparse. Very Jedi-like and different from what Ahsoka had become accustomed to over the years. Toys always in some place that they didn't belong, a blanket on the floor or on the couch from where Luke and Leia had been, crumbs from food, or abandoned dishes.

Ahsoka snapped out of her thoughts when Obi-wan placed a glass of water in front of her.

"Thank you," Ahsoka said, and they fell into an awkward silence. She should have expected that of course.

Even though Mustafar had been the last time she'd seen her grandmaster, she hadn't really spoken to him in longer than that. Not since Barriss framed her. She may have stayed with the Order, but she'd significantly distanced herself from anyone that had anything to do with that debacle in the wake of their betrayal and her hurt. Obi-wan and Master Koon included. Now the latter was dead, and it didn't seem right to hold any anger against him, especially when she regretted missing the chance to work that relationship out. But Obi-wan was here. And the fall of the Order didn't absolve him of how much he'd hurt her. Before she decided what she was going to tell him about Luke and Leia, she had to deal with that betrayal.

"I'm planning on raising a rebellion and waging war against the Empire. I'll be taking over a good part of Bail's role so that he can focus on gathering intel and directing me to allies in the Senate that will help me to set up cells and get some kind of working communication system started," Ahsoka stated bluntly. "That in addition to training recruits and acquiring resources. Bail says I should implore you to help since it seems he could never get you to commit to leaving this exile of yours."

Obi-wan sighed. "Haven't the Jedi waged enough wars that we shouldn't have been a part of, Ahsoka, considering how the last one turned out?"

"That's exactly why we should. We did this. The Jedi allowed Palpatine to rise to power right under their noses. We owe it to the galaxy to stop him because we made a promise to protect them and failed. And if not for that, you and I both owe it to the galaxy for the part we played in creating his most terrifying enforcer," Ahsoka said, raising her voice and feeling like her old self. The one from before the end of the Clone Wars. The one from before she'd been betrayed.

"The very reasons you're stating for wanting to get involved are the very reasons I think the Jedi, especially you and I, should stay out of it, my young friend."

Ahsoka wondered if the frustration welling up in her was the same frustration May felt when she'd been imploring Ahsoka to take a stand and fight. But at least Ahsoka had been trying to keep May and her son safe by pretending to want nothing to do with the fight. Obi-wan wasn't pretending. He believed what he was saying and trying to make her think she was wrong for feeling otherwise.

"Don't patronize me," Ahsoka snapped as her temper got the better of her.

"Ahsoka," Obi-wan said tiredly.

Ahsoka sighed, trying and failing to get a handle on her emotions before deciding that maybe the best way to get past this anger was just to let it out.

"I shouldn't have let him talk me into staying," Ahsoka finally whispered.

"What?"

"I was going to leave the Order. That day, when Anakin cleared my name and you all took me back after abandoning me when I kept saying I was innocent," Ahsoka said, hoping the words stung Obi-wan as much as remembering it still stung her. "I was going to leave. But Anakin talked me into staying until the end of the war and said if after that I didn't feel any different, he'd let me go and support my choice. But I should have left. I should have left, and I should have convinced him to come with me even if I had to find a way to drag him down the temple steps kicking and screaming. He hated the Order, but he stayed because he thought it was the only way to protect the galaxy and the people he cared for. I hated the Order, and I stayed for him," Ahsoka admitted in a whisper, blinking back the tears that began to well up in her eyes. "And look where that got us both."

Obi-wan was quiet for a long time before he sighed and finally said, "I'm sorry, Ahsoka."

Ahsoka huffed. "For what exactly, Obi-wan?"

"I tried to speak for you to the Council. But there was only so much I could do. The Council's hands were tied with the politics of the war. We could only hope that—"

"That what? That you'd sacrifice me, and the Order would continue to be in the good graces of the Senate for yet another day?"

"Try to see it from their point of view, Ahsoka. Try to understand that even though we were wrong, it only made you into a better Jedi."

"Their point of view doesn't matter when it was wrong. When the Senate was wrong. So, please. Spare me your undoubtedly noble justifications, Obi-wan," Ahsoka said, sarcasm dripping from her tongue. "You know just as well as I do that's all bantha fodder."

To her surprise, Obi-wan did spare her without so much as a disapproving look. Before, he probably would have—

"Your feelings betray you, Ahsoka. Remember ang—"

"No wonder Anakin didn't trust you," Ahsoka said, instantly shutting Obi-wan up. Her intentions weren't to hurt him that time, just to state a matter-of-fact truth. A truth that she'd always understood in an abstract way but understood more concretely now.

Obi-wan had good intentions. Ahsoka knew that. If she doubted that for even a moment, she wouldn't have ever come out here to see him. But he was a man of many contradictions. He had been as attached to her and to Anakin as they'd been to him, but that attachment could never overcome the restraints of the Jedi Order. The Order always came first, even when the Order was clearly wrong. It was the reason, even now, when there was no Order left, he still defended it. The reason Anakin thought his only option was to turn to a Sith Lord for help when he'd feared for his wife's life. Because he couldn't be sure the Order wouldn't condemn him for his fear and then cast him out with actual proof that he'd willingly broken their code, and couldn't be sure that Obi-wan would keep fighting for him. It's why Obi-wan had gone to Mustafar as a Jedi resigned to kill a Sith instead of as the brother who claimed to love him and would try to pull him back up from his fall.

And it was because to Obi-wan Kenobi the Order came first that Ahsoka would not tell him that Padmé's children—her children—survived. If Padmé were here, Ahsoka didn't think the woman would have trusted her children in the care of the Jedi, even if the Order hadn't fallen. Or maybe she would have. It didn't really matter. Padmé was dead. And Ahsoka had decided long ago that she couldn't raise Luke and Leia wondering what Padmé would do every step of the way. Padmé had entrusted Luke and Leia to her, and Ahsoka would no more trust Luke and Leia in the hands of the Jedi as she would the hands of the Sith. As far as she was concerned, they were two sides of the same coin.

It was also one more thing she didn't have to clash with Vader about. On not training the children to be Jedi, that was something they would be in full agreement on.

"Anakin's choices were his own," Obi-wan finally stated.

"Trust me. I know," Ahsoka said, resisting the urge to roll her eyes. She'd spent four months with Vader, reminding him that he'd made those choices, how selfish those choices were, of the consequences of those choices, and what would happen if he made them again. And she would likely spend the rest of their partnership reminding him of it so long as he loathed to change his ways. "But just because Anakin made his choices doesn't mean it absolves us of the part we played."

"Perhaps not."

Ahsoka then declared, "I'm going to stop the Empire. For Anakin. For Padmé. And for everyone else that Palpatine took everything from."

"That sounds like revenge."

"Maybe it is."

"That's not the Jedi way."

"It isn't. But I'm not sure I want to be one anymore," Ahsoka said honestly. When she sensed his apprehension, she added with a roll of her eyes, "Don't worry. I'm not becoming a Sith or going dark. There are enough of those kinds kriffing up the galaxy right now. But maybe you're right. Maybe this isn't something the Jedi should be involved in since it was part of their oversight that caused all this. One of their own that betrayed them and helped facilitate their downfall and damned the galaxy. So I won't wage my war as a Jedi. If you change your mind about wanting to help, you know how to get in touch with Bail."

Ahsoka stood then, heading toward the door.

"It's not a good idea to travel Tatooine at night," Obi-wan cautioned.

"Trust me, Obi-wan. I've been through worse," Ahsoka said dryly as Vader's training came to mind.

She was almost to the door when Obi-wan said, "Ahsoka?"

Ahsoka turned to look back at Obi-wan, knowing the question he was going to ask before he asked it, even though she was hoping he wouldn't. She didn't want to have to outright lie to him.

"I heard what was officially reported about Padmé's death, but you were with her. What happened?"

"She died in childbirth," Ahsoka stated. "Just like Anakin's visions predicted she would."

Never mind that Ahsoka was more and more sure that Anakin's visions had been a self-fulfilling prophecy. Warning him of what was to come if he didn't change the dark course he'd started on.

"And her child?"

Ahsoka averted her gaze from Obi-wan. She really didn't want to lie to him. So she didn't. Let him assume what her guilty silence meant.

"Good-bye, Obi-wan. May the Force be with," she added. She was angry at him. Hurt. But not cruel.

"And you as well. It was good to see you again."

Ahsoka wasn't sure she felt the same way, so she decided not to answer as she left, closing the door to the hovel behind her.

As she walked to her speeder, she heard the words from the vision she'd had of the twins just days before they were born as their father pledged himself over to the Sith.

Mama, can we be Jedi just like you when we grow up?

Ahsoka frowned and shook her head.

"I am no Jedi."


AN: I always planned for Ahsoka to renounce the Jedi. But she was never going to do it because Vader compelled her to. Like in canon, it was going to be a choice she eventually made for herself as she finds her own way in this mess. And in this chapter, she does it.

This isn't the last we've seen of Obi-wan. And yes, Ahsoka's a little harsh and a little vindictive, but she's angry at the galaxy right now. Would this have played out differently if Obi-wan had decided to help her? Probably. But here he doesn't. Not yet anyway.

Also, I am behind on replying to reviews. I've been out of town all weekend but had this chapter prepared in advance. Thank you for your patience. I read all your reviews. I appreciate them. Please keep reviewing, following, and favoriting. I appreciate it.