14. Useless
"Hans of the Southern Isles, I've got a bone to pick with you!"
Kristoff had advised Anna to reconsider making a dramatic entrance (he didn't stop her, of course), Anna stubbornly declined his wise suggestion. She told Kristoff it was a necessary power play to show Hans she was the one in control and that this was her home. In all honesty, Anna was slightly acting like a drunkard, (even if Kristoff was correct that the beer from the picnic could not get her drunk), the mere mention of alcohol made her think she was drunk. It gave Anna an extra confidence boost. Confidence that had turned to slight embarrassment when she realized Hans was not alone in his chamber.
"Your Highness, Lord Kristoff," addressed the Captain as he stood up from his chair.
"Oh! Captain, I didn't realize you were here. I hope I'm not interrupting," she said apologetically.
"Not at all Princess, in fact I was just about to leave," he answered. The Captain shot Hans a glance as if wishing him luck. "He's all your Highness, now if you'll excuse me." Anna nodded and moved aside to allow the Captain leave. Now that he Captain was no longer in the room, she brought her attention back to Hans and glared at him intensely.
Hans nodded his respect to the Captain, and remained silent as he left. "If her Highness intends to hit me, I would advise to aim for the right profile. We can say it's residual swelling from the pommel I took to the face." He suggested, without judgement. More, with apology. "And it would be kinder than ripping the doctor's stitches. How may I help you both? A prisoner's time is never interrupted. Nor a fool's, nor a soldier's. Take your pick which one I'll be for the moment, I won't disappoint. I could apologize or beg your forgiveness, but I wouldn't want to waste her Highness' time." Always professional, always polite, and never quite meeting her eye. He waited for the impact or the yelling or whatever it would be.
Anna had her fist clenched, but his response had caught her off guard. Hans offering himself to be struck, made her not want to strike him. She was confused and at a loss of words. Anna glanced over her shoulder to Kristoff. Hans had disarmed her before she had even begun. This was not the response she was expecting at all. In her mind she still visualized the venomous villain that heartlessly left her locked up to die. The vulnerable Hans in front of her made no sense, it must be some sort of trick, another mask to fool her into sympathy, it just had to be (to her there wasn't any other explanation), and she was determined not to fall for it. She turned back to face him, the flame returning to her eyes. "You might have managed pulled the wool over everyone else's eyes, but it won't work on me, not again." Anna hissed, her fists were trembling. "I don't know what ideas you've been putting in my sister's head to make her trust you, but I, on the other hand won't be fooled so easily by your charms and empty words," she continued to fume. "I know you're plotting something, playing some sort of game, pretending to be the hero of Arendelle once again to get what you want." Anna assumed the worst in Hans, because she'd experienced it first hand, and it had left a deep wound on her heart that she could not easily overlook. She was venting all her frustration throwing him all her hurt. "Come on, stop hiding behind a mask and show me your true colors. The ones you weren't afraid to hide from me when you locked me away in that room," she cried.
Hans considered it a moment. "True colors... a neutral canvas sail. I don't have 'true' colors, every color is a dye, added. None of my decisions were good, I grant you. I started that errand as a fool and ended it doubly so." He kneaded his fingertips in thought, looking off at nothing in particular. "Do you have a question for me to answer? I'm better at questions. Given leave to talk freely, I ramble horribly and never seem to know when to stop." He looked at her when she spoke, but when he did, he looked away from both of them, instead.
"I think what she wants to know is, why did you leave her and lock the door?" Kristoff suggested, even tone and calm, as usual.
"Because Anna was dying and only true love could save her, or so I was told. I'm not a fool, neither of us truly had that for each-other. I don't think I'm capable of it, damned if I don't try. As far as I knew, Anna was going to die, regardless. Being a villain was just an easier way to fail. There was, as far as I could tell, no man who could fix that situation. So I locked the door to prevent anyone else stumbling on how horrible it was and pretended my plan was villainy all along. The line of ascension doesn't include prince consorts, I'm still baffled that no-one caught on that I was making up some 'shot at the crown' theory. Anna said 'Elsa struck me with her powers', and I knew if I didn't become the villain of this story, she would. At least if I was villainized, even if Elsa died, I would be properly hanged and Arendelle would celebrate the lives of its tragic leaders- not curse Elsa and god knows what they would say of Anna. If I hadn't raised my sword at the Fjord and you had died, don't tell me we would still have a queen. I know pain too deeply to believe that. A sword is just much quicker and less painful." He grimaced and put his face in his hand. "How could I have predicted there was a way we could all survive? The best of all possible outcomes, and I was blind to it. I would have accepted hanging, but your country is too kind for it, and mine knew it too well. I nearly died for more painful reasons, twice."
Anna stood and listened, the anger in her eyes had dissipated, replaced by tears that were slowly rolling down Anna's cheeks. So many thoughts swirled around in her mind. Had Elsa really wished to die on the fjord? Is that why she didn't seem to hold his attempted murder against him? Elsa only seemed to mention the hurt he had caused her, as the reasons she could never forgive him. Elsa only thought of her little sister and not of herself and that pained Anna, to think she'd willingly die instead of bearing the thought of losing her. Anna had easily forgiven her sister for accidentally inflicting her with a frozen heart, but she didn't occur to her that Elsa might still be dealing with such guilt and resentment, just like she was still having her own nightmares. So Hans was supposedly only trying to 'protect her', he was the same as Elsa in that aspect, hiding and choosing 'what was best for her' (because apparently they knew so much better) without letting her choose for herself. He could have told her the truth it would have hurt, but she would have understood and they could have found another way, Hans shutting another door on her, hurt more than the heartbreak. He said he did it 'for her', but of course he chose the route that was really easier for himself. Anna walked up to the bedside, and without a second thought slapped Hans across the face, her hand stung from the impact. "If you want me to believe you are telling me the truth, at least look at me...you don't know how hard it is for me to even be facing you right now... and if you can't even bare to look me... it's like like what I think and feel doesn't matter to you... like your shutting that door on me again." Anna seemed to be more disappointed than angry, like she'd been earlier that day with Elsa.
Hans took the impact and didn't flinch from it. "Where I'm from, that would be a disrespect. My apologies." He forced his tone into neutrality, as he had the first time he had arrived again. He forced himself to look her in the eye, but it wasn't easy to do that. To watch her sadness inflicted him with the same, though he would hide that beneath his neutral mask. "Anything else, your Highness?" It was polite, neutral. He wouldn't show her the pain of her sadness or ask her if she would strike him again. He wouldn't have minded, anyway. Pain was easier by far. "Whatever you ask, I'll comply as best I can." Whether she asked him to speak his truths or to labor for the castle, whatever she pleased, it was his to comply.
Anna's bright blue eyes looked straight into his emerald ones. " Why?" She murmured with a tremble to her tone. "If you did not want the crown and you truly did not love me, why...why ask me to marry you?"
Hans forced himself not to take a long blink, not to find some reason by habit to look away. "Because I am a mirror, reflecting what other people wanted- and I wanted to learn to love. I am defective in that regard, I don't know what true romantic love feels like. I ran into you, full of excitement and energy and love for the world. I thought I could learn it from you the way I learn all manner of behaviors and acts. It's always someone like you, in the stories. The Belle who tames an unworthy beast. Your sweetness was infectious, and I felt happy near you. But, when someone said 'True Love's Kiss' I knew it wasn't me. I'm not a true anything, except maybe a sailor. Or an insult of your choosing, if you prefer. I'm truly that, too. I selfishly wanted to be less broken. Broken mirrors are useless things, and unlucky to boot. When we got engaged, it seemed like a good potential life for both of us. Then the situation changed in ways none of us could have predicted." He sighed a little, visibly uncomfortable. "I'm glad for your improved company, you always deserved better." Hans leaned back against the wall, then cringed and faltered, shifting to better nurse his stab wound. He didn't complain or speak of it, just righted himself and ignored the pain.
"Easy, don't pop your threads, or we'll need a seamstress to stuff you again." Kristoff suggested dryly. He stepped over to touch Anna's back. Just a little supportive gesture, to try and calm her.
"Good, and have her put a new patch on my back too, would you?" Hans joked in response. He didn't try to keep neutrality for Kristoff, Hans knew him as a healer.
"How was marrying a loveless man a 'good potential life for both of us'? It sounds downright cruel more than selfish. I might have been naïve in thinking that you were some sort of prince charming and believing you were my true love, but you were still just planning to use me...as if I was some sort of...play thing. Love was like a game to you and you going through the motions trying to figure out the rules as you went along. A marriage like that wouldn't have been fair at all, with you continuing to play pretend, while I blindly believed it was all real.
"Being stuck by a frozen heart might have been a blessing in disguise, because it at least saved me from marrying a heartless man like you." There was some bitterness and bite to her words. "And yes, I found 'improved company', I found a man who truly loves me." She glanced over at Kristoff again. Anna had been a bit sidetracked by releasing her pent-up venom, that hadn't picked up on what Kristoff and Hans had been talking about right away.
'Wait, what? His back?' The gears started turning in her mind and Anna started connecting some dots. Elsa had told her Hans had been injured prior to returning to Arendelle, she hadn't told her where or how exactly. Whatever happened to his back she was certain happened before the attack on Arendelle. Anna thought for a moment, until she came to the conclusion that made too much sense not to be true, he must have gotten lashed as punishment. With that figured out more things were adding up like how he could have been on the verge of death without Elsa taking noticed right away, it'd been well hidden. How had she not notice some of these things sooner? Like when Elsa said Hans was on the verge of death during their chat earlier today, she should have realized right away that he was the someone she had talked about during their sister session. He was the one that had affected Elsa so much to the point it made weep (something she rarely saw herself). That had been shortly after his arrival, meaning he'd been staying in the castle right under her nose for that long and she hadn't angered her greatly, but what had really blinded her with rage was that fact that he'd made Elsa cry. Elsa had told her she'd seen something very bad happen to someone, and Anna assumed it meant more than him dying that had such a strong impact on her dear sister causing her to break down. "You! You're the reason Elsa was so upset that night," she viciously said as she got out of her head. She glared at him again with her piercing blue eyes more intensity than ever. "You showed her your wounds didn't you?! That's how you got her sympathy!"
Hans looked away again as she berated him, eyes slipping down to the floor and teeth gritting. "I didn't have an option. I wasn't conscious enough. Captain Kristofferson fetched the doctor when I was fevered, I don't recall the exchange well." He said quietly, defending the only thing he could.
He was quieter now, watching the ground, looking far-away. Nothing he could say would improve things, he could see, so he locked those parts away and just listened for when it was over. There was no place or person he could retreat to. He would just have to wait. She wouldn't listen to or care about what he had gone through, she wouldn't care about his reasons or the fact that no person could be perfect. "What would you like me to do to be useful, your Highness?" He asked, the politely positive service tone of his voice not matching the hopeless look on his face even remotely. There was a certain emphasis on 'useful', as if use was the highest aspiration he could hope for. He spoke like a servant, but he held himself again like a prisoner. Perhaps it was a good reminder. Of all the things he could be, he was still a worthless broken mirror.
Anna was panting from her outburst. "Why are you asking me? I have no use for you," she let out gratingly. Maybe she had been too harsh calling him useless. He probably shouldn't have asked while she was still fuming, because it might have been just the anger talking. Anna did tend to let emotions get the better of her.
Hans seemed to shrink a little in his place, crossing his arms over his chest, not defensively, but as a self-comfort. He didn't look at her again, didn't move his eyes or say anything. There was nothing to say. He had no uses, she was right. He wished he could be removed from her life, but he wasn't allowed to die, either. No matter what happened, someone always seemed to save him. He didn't deserve sympathy, why bother telling her he had tried? She wouldn't care anyway, she might have even said he should have tried harder. And she would be right, again. His gaze remained fixed somewhere on the floor or opposite wall, seeming afraid to move it. Kristoff didn't like the way this was turning, but he felt it wasn't his place to say it wasn't deserved. It was, Hans had tried to kill the sisters, after all. Anna hadn't said anything that didn't make sense. He gently rubbed her back instead, to try and remind her that he was there, and that she didn't have to be angry for the rest of the day. She needed some peace, too. For everyone's sake.
The three of them remained there awkwardly in silence.
Anna slowly regained her breath and calmed down with Kristoff's gentle touch. Even if she was right, she realized she might have taken things a little too far in her fit of rage. As she caught her breath her eyes caught sight of the ice blade as they browsed the room. Elsa had let him keep the sword? 'Are you kidding me Elsa, you left Hans with a sword in an unlocked room?! And I thought I was the crazy one.' Anna let out a deep sigh. "You know, I..." she began softly. "I may not have a use for you... but apparently my sister does, for some unknown reason,"Anna continued. "I really don't trust you, at all, but Elsa does and I trust her... So maybe the least I can do... is give you the benefit of the doubt...as well as an opportunity to actually prove to me that you can be trusted.
"I can't forgive you for what you did...but if Elsa was willing to give you a second chance... maybe I can too..." Anna said pensively. "... just don't you dare hurt my sister, because if you do... let's just say you haven't seen the full extent of my wrath."
Hans hardly seemed to notice she was speaking, his posture didn't change, his gaze hadn't moved, he seemed to tremble slightly, though it could have been a trick of the light. Kristoff looked uncertain, and shifted to get between Hans and whatever he was looking at, crouching down to check his eyes. Hans seemed unfocused. "Hey, hey. You in there?" He snapped his fingers and waved in front of Hans' face just to try and draw his eyes. Hans refocused a bit, but didn't seem any more inclined to say anything.
"Nothing I say or do will help anything, what do you need me for? I suppose being flogged and stabbed protecting Arendelle wasn't enough. That's fine, I'll endure anything you can throw at me, or die trying. I've tried, but the dying never seems to take." It wasn't a joke, if anything it was a nuisance. He still didn't look at either of them, only shifting his gaze further away. "Yes it's the easy way, the coward's way. So I'm a coward, and everything else, you're right. Will there be anything else?" He finally shifted his gaze back to Anna, a flicker of pain running through him. There was no sarcasm, only acknowledgement and mental pain. The shaking was not a trick of the light, at that moment. There was a fear deeper than a blade could cut. Looking her in the eye was harder than any pain he had yet faced, but she had demanded he do that. If he couldn't be useful to her, he could at least look her in the eye, surely? Even if he had to use all of his willpower to hold back the pain it caused. He wasn't worthy of sympathy, what else were tears good for? He would bear her abuse with strength or be even more useless for his weakness.
Concern crossed Anna's face as Hans spoke and grew exponentially once their eyes met, seeing how broken he truly was too much to bear. She had definitely gone too far, that she'd shattered his neutral mask and broken him even more. "I'm sorry," she apologized, averting her eyes.
"You shouldn't be, you're right about everything." He assured, dropping his gaze as soon as she dropped hers, to save him from tears. "Do let me know if you find a use for me. I may never be able to earn your forgiveness, but it doesn't mean I can't try nonetheless." His tone returned again to the polite servant's tone, but his expression was still the upset, faraway look he'd had earlier. He wanted only for this conversation to end, and to not be seen again. For the day, perhaps forever. But he knew he wouldn't get the latter.
"You're not useless, but you shouldn't ask me to assign you a one either," Anna murmured, letting out a sigh. "Just...be kind to Elsa and don't break her heart."
Hans didn't seem to believe her. He continued to look away, still upset, still with a slight tremor. "I won't." He promised. "I'll do nothing to harm her happiness or health, nor yours if I can help it any further. I'm at Her Majesty's service, or will be once I can stand without further injuring myself. I'll make an effort to stay out of your way. Unless you need a punching bag, anyway. In that case, you know where to find me. I know how to stand still." It wasn't chastisement, just a fact. He would be there, and he would stand for her to hit, if that's what she wanted. A man should have a use, and at least a punching bag had a purpose.
Anna didn't know how to respond, and she thought anything she'd say would only make matters worse. She turned to Kristoff for guidance. Anna really didn't wish to continue using Hans as a punching bag, when she had already added enough insult to injury. The whole confrontation didn't go at all as she expected. She thought Hans would've at least fought back, but all he did was sit there and take her bombardment of anger filled words. Anna should have known that from the beginning when he was nothing but courteous to her, but still she pressed on. Anna thought letting out all her frustration on him would have made her feel better. It really didn't. And now she felt bad, because she saw something in his eyes she didn't expect to see. He was hurting. She's seen in his eyes and with his tremble. She'd been seeing Hans as nothing more than a monster, but she was wrong in doing so, Hans had made monstrous mistakes, but he was in fact a man. A broken man, but a man nonetheless; he wasn't emotionless, even though he tried his hardest to suppress them. She had treated him more like rubbish and less like a person and that wasn't right. She thought Hans was incapable of remorse and that was a cruel thing to assume.
Kristoff looked between the two of them, impassive and thoughtful. He could see Anna's remorse, and Hans'... entire self, really. Kristoff doubted he was as much a mirror as he thought he was. Maybe in extreme situations, but not entirely. "People make bad choices when they're mad, or scared, or stressed." Kristoff observed. "I tend to say things the wrong way when I'm stressed, and sometimes I seem angry when really I'm scared. I think maybe you two have made some similar bad choices like that. We're not defined by them." It was an invitation. Maybe if Anna opened up about her stress-choices, maybe at least it would calm them both down a little. He suspected it was a vain hope, however. Hans seemed too far out of it to want to talk anymore. He just hoped to end this conversation on a somewhat hopeful note before he could escort Anna out of the room. Men didn't like to cry, least of all in front of women- but he suspected Hans really needed some time alone at that moment.
That was good troll wisdom. Anna gave a pensive hum. "Everybody is a bit a Fixer-Upper, including myself."
Hans didn't seem encouraged by that. Really, he hardly seemed to be listening. Kristoff moved to step near Anna again. "We should go." He said, but glanced back at the sword, wondering if they should take it- for Hans' sake. It might only make things worse. He decided it was probably best to trust him not to stand up and stress his stitches. "He needs time, right now. I don't think we'll get any positive impact from here." He wondered if he should have held Anna back from this. That was his mistake, perhaps, but maybe they both needed that, to fully reflect on the damage.
Anna only nodded in agreement, looking back at Hans with concern as they made their way out. Maybe Elsa had been right in trying to prevent them from colliding, they indeed had hurt each other, but not in the way that was expected.
Kristoff escorted Anna out, and only when she was gone did Hans seem to release his hold on himself- and maybe some of his emotions, too.
"Still think you'll need me to keep you safe?" Kristoff asked, with neither amusement nor judgement. He didn't feel like he needed to explain what happened or how Hans was feeling. "D'you need to talk about it?" Maybe they couldn't help Hans now, but he could help Anna process, he hoped.
"No, but can you stay anyway," Anna said with a glum look. "Yes, I need to talk." She nodded with her lips pressed firmly together, the threat of tears itching at her eyes. She really needed to process what just happened.
Kristoff wrapped an arm around her shoulder to escort Anna back to her room. He couldn't say he was surprised, per se, but that had gotten a lot more serious and real than he had expected. He wasn't sure if he expected Anna to balk or for Hans to snap or show her his scars or find some other way to gain the sympathy he may have even deserved. One or the other, but neither had happened. They had just mutually destroyed each-other with the truth, it seemed. He passed a little gesture to the Captain as they passed, a quiet shake of his head and 'cut' gesture, to suggest that he not visit Hans again that night, or ask too many questions.
"Tell me about it?" He suggested, as they returned to Anna's room.
"That was hard, I didn't think...that would happen," Anna started, there was a knot in her throat. "Do you think I took things too far? I was so just so angry I didn't even consider that he would... That I could...I think I broke him." Deep concern crossed her face.
"For now, you did." Kristoff nodded, understanding and pensive. "I think there were some things in there that may have hit below the belt without you necessarily realizing it at the time. And I think maybe he's got some mental trauma you don't know about." He didn't want to tell her that it felt like watching someone get physically beaten, but it kind of did. "What did you think would happen? He got stabbed trying to protect you and your sister, did you remember that? He couldn't stand up. He would have ripped his stitches if he did." He wouldn't judge Anna, it made perfect sense to him that she would be that angry. But, he wanted to know what drove her to be where she was. "Probably why they left the sword in his room, he can't hurt anybody with it if he can't get out of bed."
Anna grimaced with guilt. "I don't know...I was waiting for the vile villain to display itself. Yes, I knew he was physically hurt, but I was just expecting some ulterior motive. I, of course, got neither, it was rude of me to assume...but it's hard for me to put any trust back in the very hands of the person I blindly gave my heart to, only to have it torn to shreds, I guess I'm afraid he'd do it all over again."
"Honestly? Yeah, I can see why you would feel that way. And I don't blame you." Kristoff shrugged. "I can't fully trust him either after what he did. I'll be nice to him, but I don't have to trust him. It might be rude to assume, but it would be weird not to, after what he did." Kristoff believed in measure. All things in measure. "I don't think you were wrong to say what you did." He shrugged a little, considering the whole matter. "We didn't think he was a bad guy last time, either, and that changed. It's reasonable to still be suspicious now. But my question is, when will he have proven himself? We don't have to answer that question right now, but it might be good to think about. If he really is looking to redeem himself, can it be done?"
Anna let out a melancholy sigh. "I really don't know... but Elsa seems to have faith in him."
"Hmm, just think about it, okay?" He hummed. Gently, he scooped Anna up into his arms to hold her, and try to soothe her concerns, like he would rock a child to sleep. "Maybe she saw something in him that we didn't. Maybe it's her turn to learn some things. We'll see, I suppose." He hummed, calm and gentle. "Whatever comes, I'll keep you safe, and I'll be here for you." That much, he could promise.
Anna nodded, nuzzling herself in his embrace. "I love you, Kristoff," She reminded him, she didn't need to, but felt right in that moment.
"I love you too, feistypants." Kristoff teased sweetly, and kissed her temple.
