Chapter 14

Stars and Satellites

How had everything become so beautiful and so terrifying all at once, Severus wondered as he was flung into the next memory. Had the tender things he'd once felt ultimately doomed those he cared about? Had his younger self pushed away the trust and care he'd been bestowed, undeserving?

His thoughts blurred together with the thoughts of the nervous young man he'd once been as he sat on the Evans's couch, waiting for Lily. His younger self felt more unworthy than ever to sit on the sofa in that warm, welcoming home. The unexpected feelings he'd found for James warred with the love he'd always felt for Lily, and he felt as he were being dragged by two golden threads toward the deep abyss of his future.

"Sev? Sorry to keep you waiting."

Then Severus looked up to see Lily, and for a moment all of his doubt fell away.

She was wearing a simple, peasant-style dress that fell off of her sun-kissed shoulders, her long, wavy hair had been adorned with thin braids and flowers scattered here and there, and she wore the faintest trace of lip-gloss on her smiling mouth. There was no remarkable transformation to mark their first romantic evening. She was beautiful, but she was still the same girl she'd always been. She was still very much Lily.

Severus stood and cleared his throat. "Lily- you look beautiful."

"Thank you, Sev. So do you." Lily smiled as though she hadn't been joking- as though he really had meant to call Severus beautiful.

"I-" Severus began to speak, but he was cut off by an older woman's voice.

"Oh Lily- you look beautiful," Mrs. Evans said, stepping into the living room. "And you are so handsome, Severus. Look at the two of you- grown up and going on your first date."

"It's my second date, Mum. And please, don't cry."

"I- I missed your first?" Mrs. Evans cried. Her eyes were, indeed, filling with tears.

"No, you were there. Remember last week, with James?"

Mrs. Evans laughed through her tears. "Don't be silly, darling. That wasn't a date."

"If it was, Lily, then you certainly get points for being unconventional," Mr. Evans, who had joined his wife, said. Then he turned to shake Severus's hand.

"Good evening, Sir," Severus said nervously.

"So- where are you headed, tonight?" Mr. Evans asked, his countenance stern.

"I have tickets for a show, but it's in Spalding Heights, at the University," Severus paused and turned to Lily. "If that's okay."

"Oh Sev- the planetarium?"

Severus nodded, and Lily cheered, throwing her arms around Severus's neck.

"Now- I know it's a bit of a ride from Spalding Heights, but I expect you both back by 10:30," Mr. Evans said.

"10:30? Oh, but Da- what if they have telescopes set up for after the show?" Lily said. "We don't have any really large ones at Hogwarts, and-"

"I promise, Sir. 10:30," Severus said.

Lily sighed heavily, but she did not argue further.

Mr. Evans took Severus aside while Mrs. Evans fussed over Lily's dress.

"Here's a little extra money, if you need it," he whispered to Severus.

"No thank you, Sir; I have more than enough. I've been taking on some extra work this summer, to make sure of that."

"Good lad," Mr. Evans said. "Oh, and if Lily asks, tell her I gave you the usual father talk. She'll get offended if she thinks I trust the two of you too much."

Before Severus could respond, there was an unpleasant screech from the direction of Lily's bedroom. "Lily- get that awful boy out of the house before Vernon comes over!"

Mr. Evans slapped Severus on the back. "Sorry about Petunia- she's a bit on edge, lately."

"It's fine, Da," Lily interrupted. "We should go soon, anyway, if we're going to catch the bus."

The two said their goodnights, and before Severus knew it, he and Lily were outside, alone, walking to the bus stop.

"I know it's not my business, but I have to ask- where did you go with James on your date?" Severus asked.

"We volunteered at the soup kitchen," Lily said equably.

Severus stopped short, and then jogged to keep up with Lily, who'd kept her pace steady. "Um- I have to agree with your mum, Lily. That is not a date."

"It was a test," Lily said. "I couldn't believe it, but James passed with flying colors. He didn't utter a peep in complaint, and he was so kind to everyone- especially Mrs. Flora. He sat and listened to her talk about her son and the war for at least an hour. Afterward, James told me he planned to keep volunteering for the rest of the summer."

"I don't think James has ever seen that kind of poverty, before," Severus said quietly. "It must have affected him."

Lily cocked her head as she walked, as though she were figuring out a puzzle in her head. "He must have already known that there was poverty in the world, but then again, James doesn't seem to be very good with abstractions. If he doesn't see the problem, it doesn't exist to him. When he does see a problem, he comes at it with so much warmth and passion that I think his lack of imagination must be a coping mechanism. If he raged at every problem he knew existed, he would grow exhausted very quickly."

"He certainly runs hot and cold," Severus said. "I'm almost afraid to go back to school, now. I'm afraid James will go cold again when he's around his friends, and I'll lose that amazing warmth he's shown me."

Severus stopped suddenly, realizing what he'd just admitted out loud to Lily.

"He's shown you a great deal of trust," Lily said. "And you really like him, don't you?"

"Yeah," Severus said in a voice so quiet it was almost a whisper.

They had entered the park, and they cut across on their way to the bus stop, winding their way through the trees off the beaten path.

"Sev, I spoke to James about you last week, and I realized something," Lily said quietly. She paused and faced Severus, a searching look in her eyes. "After the incident by the lake, you apologized for calling me the M-word. You were right to apologize, but I was surprised that you weren't angry at me for what I said."

"Why would I be angry with you?" Severus said.

"I called you Snivillus and told you to wash your pants," Lily said.

"That wasn't as bad as what I said," Severus said, "and I hurt you first."

"You're right; it wasn't as bad," Lily said. "Still, I did the same thing you did. I lashed out because I was hurt."

"I lashed out at the wrong person. James hurt me, not you."

"I hurt your male ego by standing up for you," Lily said, "which is sexist- just like you and Da arranging my curfew to protect me is sexist. But that's a conversation for another time. The point of this conversation is- why were you willing to let my transgression go? Why were you so desperate for my forgiveness?"

"I care about you, Lily."

"I care about you too, Sev, but I was willing to stand up for myself when you hurt me. I worry that you're emotionally dependent on me. I really don't think I can carry that burden. I don't want you to be my satellite, Sev. I don't want you to drift aimlessly through space, if I can't be there for you to orbit."

"I'm not going anywhere," Severus said, "and I don't want to think about losing you- not again."

"You can't ignore your problems, and hope they go away," Lily said firmly. "What happens if the coming war separates us?"

"I won't let it," Severus said.

"You're avoiding that problem, too," Lily said. "James told me he was going to let you make your own choices from now on, and I can appreciate why he said so. But I can't do the same thing, Sev. Think of it this way- what if I were a Jew, and you were planning to join the gestapo? Wouldn't that separate us, and in the worst way?"

"Lily, that's completely different."

"How?"

Severus opened his mouth, but he found he didn't have a response.

"Take your time. I want you to talk to me about this. Please."

A lost look was creeping into Lily's eyes, and Severus wanted to turn away, like he had so many times before when she'd brought up the topic. But he realized that, after everything that had happened, he couldn't avoid Lily's questions any longer.

"In Slytherin, there's a lot of pressure to join the dark lord," Severus said. "These aren't just social pressures. My schoolwork, my friends, my future- even my life may be on the line. But if I join, I might be able to protect you and your family. In that case, wouldn't we be better off than if I defied the dark lord and died for it?"

"I have to admit- I hadn't considered that," Lily said slowly. "But why just protect me and my family, Sev? Why not try to save others? I'm not special."

"You are special," Severus said. "Not everyone is worth saving, but you are."

"If you looked for the good in people, you would be surprised at what you found," Lily said urgently. "There are a lot more people worth saving than you think. At one time, James thought you were irredeemably evil, but then you showed him another side of yourself. Think of all the goodness that you haven't been shown, yet."

Severus turned away from Lily. Looking at her was like looking at the sun- there was so much light he was afraid he would go blind. He wanted to retreat into the dark place he'd been so comfortably miserable, before.

"I thought you'd already forgiven me," Severus said. "I thought you forgave me when I spent the evening with you and James."

"I did forgive you, Severus," Lily said. "But I want to give you a real chance to be with me, so these are things I need to know. If I choose you over James, and then you leave me, what will I have left? Will I become a satellite without a star, drifting through space forever?"

Severus couldn't answer. He felt torn between the impulse to assure Lily he would never leave her, and the urge to cry out that he was afraid.

He was afraid that all of this light would burn him.

Then Lily stepped forward and turned Severus to face her, smiling a sad smile.

"I understand that I might not get the opportunity to choose at all; you and James may choose each other, instead. If you do, that's okay. I can live with it, if the two of you are really happy. But if I lose you to the darkness- that, I couldn't bear."

Severus opened his mouth to protest that he would never choose James over Lily, but then found he could not. James had reached him- had touched his heart in a way that only Lily had ever managed before. The light seemed to burn him even more.

In that moment, Severus realized that it was too late to retreat into the darkness. So Severus steeled himself and reached up further into the light.

"Lily, you won't lose me to darkness. I will always choose the light because you and James are the light. If either of you ask me to give away all the dark lord's secrets, I will. If you ask me to smuggle all of the muggleborns into Switzerland, I will. If you want me to swear allegiance to Dumbledore, and take up arms against Slytherin, I will. Give your commands, and I will obey because I trust you both."

Lily gasped, her eyes growing wide.

"In the meantime, please trust me in return. If I take up a dark weapon, trust that I will use it in service of the light. Trust that I won't betray you. Trust me to make the right choices on my own. Can you do that?"

"I can," Lily said. "I will."

Lily held out her pinky, and Severus linked it in his own in that sacred gesture of innocence, the origins of which are lost to time.

#

"Oh no- it can't be over. Please don't let it be over," Lily sighed as the false stars faded away, the planetarium lights turned on, and the sparse audience began its regress.

"I'm sorry, Lily- it's over. But I'm glad you liked the show."

"Mmm," Lily said, sitting up and stretching her arms. "We have to go, Sev. No- not back home, though I guess we do have to go home. I mean out there- to outer space."

"It will take a long time," Severus said, helping Lily stand. "Even if we build a rocket- the closest stars are light-years away."

"One lifetime just isn't enough to explore it all, is it?" Lily asked. "But I mean to try. I will go further than anyone else has gone before."

Severus and Lily walked together into the muggy evening air, and Lily looked up into the skies above, frowning.

"There's Jupiter, and the summer triangle. You can't see much more here, I'm afraid, so I guess there's no viewing, tonight," Lily said with a sigh. "I can't wait to be back at Hogwarts, away from the city lights and the pollution that blots the stars from the sky. If only I could get my hands on a large mirror- then the astronomy club could build a nice dobsonian, and to heck with those wizard-made telescopes."

Severus looked up into the sky, as well. "It's strange, isn't it? Wizards understand so little about the night sky- yet they don't cover it up. The muggles know so many hidden secrets about the stars, but then they make them hard to see."

"The wizards know enough to grow magic herbs according to lunar cycles, and time the brewing of complicated potions, but they don't explore the stars just to see what's there," Lily said. "That's why they haven't progressed much beyond Ptolemy. But then muggles advance science and technology just because they can, and end up causing pollution, global warming, and nuclear proliferation. If only the two sides could come together- learn from each other, then we could solve so many of our blunders. But then again, maybe I really do have my head in the stars, and all of that is impossible."

"Maybe, but maybe not," Severus said thoughtfully.

"Hey- Sev. Come here," Lily said, dropping her voice. "I want to tell you a secret."

Severus looked down at Lily, unable to make out her expression in the dim lamplight. He leaned over, and Lily's hand cupped not around his ear, but on his cheek, pulling him closer and closer until their lips touched.

Severus didn't feel as though he were consumed in fire, but rather, he felt as though he were being wrapped in a warm blanket- soft, sweet, and comforting. Kissing Lily felt like coming home.