Charles

I know it's wrong, but during this session my focus has been on the large old fashioned wall clock, watching the second hand slowly move and time tick very slowly by. I want tonight to be over, then I can crawl back into my bed. In my defence I'm impressed that I've made it here tonight, progress that life isn't going exactly how I wanted and yet I manage to get myself out the door and organised.

"Sir?"

Kyle's voice brings me back to the group in front of me.

"Yes."

"What happened to your wife. Is she back in your bed?"

I smile. Kyle has fixed his bedroom problems and now he wants to fix everyone else's. Not that there's many people in the room whose life needs fixed - Steve has been staying over in the family home and after sufficient couples counselling and a change in his meds his wife is thinking of allowing him to move back in. The Sergeant Major has joined the Red Cross as a volunteer and is looking forward to the training course he's attending next month. Ian takes Connor and his old mate's son to football every weekend and afterwards they go to McDonalds where Ian regales with stories of their youth … but then there's me - I'm not fixed.

"She's not Kyle."

"Have you heard from her?"

One of my biggest mistakes was taking the group the night Molly had left. In my mind it was a given that by the end of the week she'd be back and naively I'd started to plan our life together. I had so much excitement I'd shared my hopes and dreams with this small bunch of guys. I'd laughed and told them I'd gone from thinking we could have 1 child to day dreaming of an idyllic 2 children within 24 hours. My head had been shaking with bewilderment when I told them about the trip I'd taken to John Lewis to buy some bits and pieces; mugs, pictures and cashmere throws in her favourite colour - anything to break up the grey in the house and make her feel she belonged as soon as she was back. Now I had a choice of sharing with them my disappointment or pretending everything is okay. I choose the later:

"Everything's fine."

The room stays quiet. Nobody speaks. It's an uncomfortable silence until Kyle clears his throat.

"It's not though is it Sir. If the tables were turned here you'd be encouraging us to talk about it. And you'd listen. So if you want us to listen-"

"You don't need to hear my woes Kyle. You are all doing brilliantly and I'm so proud of you all."

"Excuse me Sir." The Sergeant Major puts his hand up. "What I've found with this group is that we're all here for each other - no matter what. We have to be here for you too. As you'd say we can't necessarily fix your problem. But we can listen."

Leaning forward I study my hands. Taking deep breaths as I do. "I'm fine." I exhale an attempt at a laugh. "I'm just sad. I'd just hoped things could have been different."

"So you've not heard a word?"

"Not a peep." Nothing. Not a call. Not an email. Nothing.

"That's tough mate. Have you tried to contact her?"

"I haven't." Oh so many times I've wanted to, but that's not what we agreed. "The deal we made on our last night was that she would go and have some time. If she still wanted to be with me then she'd come back and I'd welcome her with open arms. She's obviously decided that I'm not what she wants. I have to honour that."

Along the corridor I can hear footsteps. It's a welcome distraction from telling my story and I stand and start collecting the polystyrene cups for Cathy's imminent arrival. There's also unwelcome moisture around my eyes, and my male pride doesn't want this group of men to see me like that. Then I realise I'm hypocritical. I drop the cups on the table and turn to them.

"Do you know what? I'm angry. I should never have told her to go. I wanted to be seen to be doing the right thing after so long of doing everything wrong in my life. But…" I splay my arms to the side. "I've also accepted this is my life. And I'm proud I'm not thinking of taking my life, that at night I go to my bed and I actually sleep - not always great but I do sleep." And then I pause, swallow the lump in my throat and study the floor before I continue. "There is a part of me that doesn't think I'll ever be truly happy again. I know there's a bit of me that's merely living in hope for a day that she comes back. But even so I'm trying." Ian clearing his throat has me looking back up and thinking of the positives. "I walk my dog everyday and can marvel at the world around me. I see my god-daughters and get to watch them grow up. I have good friends who I can go and see, have dinner with, have a drink with. And I realise that all of us, we've all lost something. Some of us won't get it back." I look at Ian, knowing he still feels sadness at the loss of his mate, and then I look at Steve who knows that forever in the back of her head his wife is going to be scared he ever attempts to hit her again. "Others have what they want but the shine will be off a little." I look at all of them. "But yes Kyle. You're right we're all here for each other."

There's murmurs of agreement in the room.

And then John, the Sergeant Major speaks."I think we should all try and meet up once a month. I think I might miss all you guys."

I smile, go back to picking up the dropped cups, if we want to be meeting once a month I need to keep Cathy on side and leaving her to clear a mess isn't going to get me in her good books. Bending down just as she opens the door I pick up a fallen teaspoon.

"I'm looking for my husband."

I'm about to reply from my position that Relate has the larger hall down the corridor when Kyle the joker gets in first.

Kyle laughs. "Well you've come to the right place, I'm perfect husband material - or so my wife would say…."

"Haha funny Mate."

I freeze. I can't move.

"But you'll find the room you're looking for is just down the hall."

"I don't think so. I'm in the right room. I'm looking for Charles. Charles James."

My brain is still trying to catch up, my peripheral senses are telling me that everyone in the room is staring at me. I spin around to be met with the sight of my wife. "Molly." Standing grinning like she's just got back from popping out for some milk.

"Hello mate. You missed me?"

Somehow I'm standing in front of her before I've even thought of moving my feet. My hands wrapping around her face and pulling her towards me. "I didn't think you were coming back?" My eyes rake across her face; taking in every single freckle and feature.

"Steady on mate, I've only been gone for 2 weeks."

Behind us there's sniggering, I join in with the sound, loving the way her eyes are sparkling with amusement. I think she's laughing at me but I really don't care. Rolling my eyes, I press my forehead against hers; whispering against her skin. "It's been the longest bloody 2 weeks of my life. Where have you been?"

"Bella thought it would be good idea for me to have a holiday, you know enjoy my last couple of days of bleedin' free-"

"-Bella's always had shit ideas. You should never listen to her." I say with conviction.

A hand sneaks around my waist and pulls me closer to her in remonstration for my comment. "I'd left Polly behind, there was no way I wasn't gonna' come back for her, anyway Bella said that I probably wouldn't want to ever be parted from you again so she was gonna' make the most of havin' me about.."

I laugh. "Bella's my most favourite person ever. Ouch. Apart from you obviously…. Molly, I really thought you weren't coming back."

"Remember. What we promised each other?"

"Forever."

"Yeah forever. I was always gonna' keep that promise if you'd let me."

The end.