Chapter 15: You can't keep fooling your heart


Sabrina liked the way Nick kissed her and the sensations he aroused in her body.

She had never felt this way before. She realized desire was something intoxicating. Addictive.

Her hands ran down his arms feeling his muscles flexing beneath her fingertips and when she reached his back her hands went beneath his sweater, touching his hot skin. He let out a moan.

"Spellman" Nick whispered against her lips "You'll be the death of me"

She smiled against his lips before kissing him again.

"I'm going to hate myself for saying this" he said between kisses, his breath was short and hot against her lips and his dark eyes glowed with desire "But… we should stop or I won't be able to let you go"

Sabrina looked at him confused, he leaned down and left a tender kiss on her nose before getting up. She stayed a few seconds lying on the couch, her heart was beating hard against her chest, she could still feel a tickle in the parts of her body his hands had touched.

And then, reality fell on her like a stone with sharp muddy edges.

What had she done?

She looked at Nick. He had his hair disheveled and his lips swollen because she had run her fingers through that hair and kissed those lips like she was a desperate woman.

Maybe she was.

Sabrina was unable to look at him and rearranged her clothes hastily. She needed to leave at once.

She couldn't look at him because of the sudden embarrassment she felt.

"Sabrina?" Nick asked, his eyes attentive to her every move "Is something wrong?" he tried to touch her but she retreated. He looked at her confused.

"I… I…" she stuttered "I… need to go" she added before gather her things, he looked even more confused.

"Sabrina" he insisted but she ignored him and slipped her satchel's strap over her shoulder. Nick took her by the arm before she opened the door. She shied away from him and he noticed "Talk to me, Spellman" he begged her in a soft voice, his free hand brushed a strand of hair away from her eyes, she trembled slightly under his touch.

But she couldn't stay.

"Nick…" she whimpered still with her eyes down. She felt unable to look him in the eyes after what they had done "I really need to go"

"Sabrina…"

She shook her head denying.

"I can't do this… this is wrong, Nick" she said "We shouldn't… I should never have done it"

"Spellman, don't say that" he insisted "Please"

"Let me go…"

He let go of her arm and she opened the door swiftly, she looked back at him for a second before shutting the door. He was looking at her with sad eyes, Sabrina turned around before the first tear fell from her eyes.

She walked with quick steps, continuously brushing the back of her hand under her eyes trying to stop the tears from falling. But they kept doing it.

What had she done?

She had kissed Nick. She had more than just kissed Nick and her recklessness made her blush. She didn't have an explanation for her behavior, she just couldn't stop herself once she started kissing him. He had something that made her want more and more.

She had no excuse for what she had done.

She had cheated on Harvey.

What she had been fearing for months had become true in the end.

She was about to arrive to her residence when she changed her mind, she didn't want to go back to her dorm that night. She didn't have the strength or the mood to endure Prudence's questions or bad attitude. What she needed more than anything was the tranquility of her home and the loneliness she could find in her own bedroom. Winter Break was around the corner but she couldn't help wish that the day would come faster.

She needed to put some distance between she and Nick. He had been calling her, she had heard her phone more than once but just kept ignoring it.

She couldn't talk to him in that moment.

Maybe never.

She had to stay away from him and this time forever. But just thinking about not seen him again caused her physical pain.

Sabrina went to the only place she could feel like home.

Ambrose's.

She knocked on his door, on her way she had managed to stop crying but she was sure she looked like a mess. If she wasn't completely sure, Ambrose's look when he opened the door confirmed her suspicions.

"Sabrina?" he asked concerned, Ambrose stepped aside quickly to let her in.

Sabrina didn't say anything and just looked at him with her sad eyes before entering. She went to sit in the sofa and Ambrose followed her, he was worried because he had never seen her with such sad expression on her face. He took his cousin's hands in his and gave her a gentle squeeze trying to comfort her.

"Sabrina, what wrong?" he asked with soft voice.

It was her cousin voice, so worried, so attentive, what made her break again. She leaned on Ambrose's shoulder and began to cry, he circled her with one of his arms while the other caressed her hair. He let her cry for what seemed like hours, he didn't ask or say anything and just kept holding her until she calmed down.

"Sabrina?" he asked tentatively when she stopped crying.

"I did something bad, Ambrose…" she said so low that he almost didn't hear her.

There was confusion in Ambrose's face when he looked at her.

"What do you mean?"

"I…" she hesitated "I cheated on Harvey" she told him before hiding her face on her hands, this time there were no tears, just embarrassment. Ambrose looked at her astonished by her confession.

"Well, that's… unexpected" Ambrose finally said. There was no reproach in his voice just concern.

Sabrina sighed sadly.

"Nick and I kissed, Ambrose" she confessed.

He couldn't hide his surprise at her statement.

"You and Nick, what?" he asked still unsure of what he had heard.

Sabrina nodded. She looked away from his cousin, her gaze wandering around the room, Ambrose didn't say anything but kept one of his arms around her, she leaned on him.

He had suspected there was something between those two, he had confirmed his suspicions the night of Sabrina's birthday but he had never thought something would truly happen between them.

But apparently he was wrong.

"Did he kissed you against your…"

"No!" she interrupted him "I… I kissed him, Ambrose" Sabrina looked at him "I shouldn't have done it. How am I going to see Harvey in the face now?"

"Sabrina, it was just a kiss" her cousin said, he took both of her hands on his, and searched for her eyes with his.

Sabrina knew her cousin was much more open when it came to relationships than her. she had seen him with Luke and then, days later, with Prudence and he seemed fine with both of them. She wasn't the one to tell him how to live his life, she didn't have problems with it, she just wasn't like that.

She had always been with Harvey, he had been her first and only boyfriend. The only boy she had ever kissed.

Until now. And she didn't know how to feel about it.

"I'm so confused, Ambrose. So, so confused"

"About what?"

"Nick" was her only answer "I don't know what I feel for him… he made me feel so different from what I thought I was"

"And it's a good kind of different or a bad kind of different?"

"I don't know" she whimpered "It's so confusing. I've been attracted to him from the beginning, but now that I know him... it's worse. But... "she sighed frustrated and angry with herself "I don't know what I'm going to do"

Ambrose didn't know what to say to her and remained silent.

"How am I going to look at Nick in the face again after what I did? How am I going to look at Harvey?" she insisted.

"Shh… Calm down, Sabrina, calm down" Ambrose soothed her, he put both of his hands on her shoulders forcing her to look at him in the eyes "I don't care what they are going to think, I only care about what you feel" she nodded.

"Thank you, Ambrose"

"I'm here for you, 'cous, just remember that" he told her before giving her a hug "Just take your time, but don't fall apart, you're not like that. You're strong"

She nodded against his shoulder, she could feel the tears burning behind her eyelids but tried to contain them. Ambrose was right, she wasn't like that.

"Do you want some tea? I think I still have some of the tea aunt Hilda gave us in Thanksgiving" Sabrina accepted and followed him to the kitchen.

She waited in a stool next to the kitchen island while Ambrose prepared the tea. He handed her a mug of steaming tea some minutes later.

"Thank you" Sabrina said, she aspired the citrus and herbal aroma of the infusion. It reminded her of her home. She needed to return. She needed to feel herself again.

But who was the real Sabrina?

The girl who only ever loved Harvey? Or the girl who couldn't resist Nicholas Scratch?

"I ruined everything" she said some minutes later.

Ambrose shook his head in disagreement.

"You need to clear your mind a little, you're too confused right now"

She nodded.

"I shouldn't have kissed him" she murmured some minutes later "It was a mistake"

"Are you sure about that?"

Sabrina took a sip of her tea because she didn't know how to answer. Ambrose didn't push her for an answer and just stayed with her in silent until she finished her tea.

Ambrose looked at his wristwatch.

"It's quite late, 'cous. Do you want to stay?"

Sabrina nodded. In her dorm she wouldn't be calm, not with Prudence asking her what happened, maybe her question wouldn't be bad intentioned but she had no desire to talk to anyone. Especially not with Prudence.

"It's fine if I stay?" she couldn't help asking.

"Of course it's fine. My house is yours, Sabrina. Don't forget that"

"Thank you, Ambrose. I know I've told you this before but I really appreciate that you're always here for me. I really do"

He made a gesture with his hand downplaying the situation, then, Ambrose went to her side to give her a hug.

"You know you are not just my cousin" he told her "You are like a sister to me" he kissed her hair and she relaxed a bit "I will always be here for whatever you need"

She gave him a brief sad smile.

Ambrose accompanied her to the guest room. He brought her one of his shirts and a new toothbrush.

"If you need anything, you know where I am" he said "And when you feel ready to talk, I'll be here"

She nodded, Ambrose gave her a squeeze on the shoulder before leaving the room.

Sabrina opened the closet, took a towel and then went to the bathroom. Maybe a shower would help her relax a bit.

The warm water helped her, relaxing her tense muscles but also reminded her of the way Nick's hands had touched her, she rested her forehead on the shower wall. She felt extremely confused.

Harvey and her had make-up before but what she felt in those occasions was nothing compared with what she had felt that afternoon.

It was too intense, too consuming. A part of her was terrified because she knew that if he hadn't stopped them she wouldn't have done it.

Nick made her feel alive. The way his eyes allured her, the way his lips woke up something inside her, the way his hands burned her skin… Sabrina shook her head. She couldn't throw away everything she had with Harvey just for some fleeting passion. She wasn't like that.

She felt suddenly dirty and began to wash herself with more force than necessary until her skin was bright pink.

When she went out of the bathroom she wasn't feeling better.

Although she knew she shouldn't do it, Sabrina checked her phone. As she suspected, she had ten voice messages from Nick and a good quantity of texts too. She decided to ignore them all.

She needed to get him out of her mind.

But she couldn't.

That night it was Nick's face what she saw in her dreams. Her mind seemed pleased repeating again and again what had happened between them. Sabrina woke up with her breath agitated and a thin layer of sweat on her forehead. She tried to suppress a groan of frustration.

How was she going to get him out of her mind now that she had succumbed to what she felt for him?

But things weren't as simple as broke-up with Harvey and start a relationship with Nick. Although she had tried to ignore them, she couldn't deny the existence of the rumors about Nick. She still remembered his shameless flirting with the girls of her residence or the girl he had kissed at Ambrose's party. She couldn't forget how nervous he had been in the cinema. She knew that while he flirted with her, he probably did it with others too.

Maybe he kissed others girl in the same way he had kissed her.

No, she shook her head, there was no future between she and Nicholas Scratch and the sooner her heart realized this, the better.

She felt her heart ache at the thought of never seeing him again. But she knew she had no other choice, there was no way on earth that they would be friends again after what had happened in his apartment.

Not when she was unable to control herself around him.

Later, when she joined Ambrose for breakfast he noticed the dark circles under her eyes.

"Bad night, I presume"

"You have no idea" she accepted the mug with coffee he had just offered her "Thank you"

"I thought I would never see the day Sabrina Spellman would drink coffee willingly" he said trying to lighten the situation.

"People change" she answered and Ambrose nodded.

"Speaking of changes, you hadn't told me anything..." He gestured to her hair "But I like it. You look good... mature"

"Thank you" Sabrina replied, she took a sip of her coffee before speaking again "I better hurry. Or I won't be on time for my first class"

Ambrose nodded while he drank his own coffee.

That afternoon Sabrina was unable to concentrate during Wardwell's class. Her mind kept repeating the same questions that hadn't allowed her to sleep last night like it was some sort of perverse game.

"Something's wrong, Sabrina?" Elspeth asked once they were outside the classroom, Sabrina shook her head "Trouble sleeping?" she insisted.

"I stayed up until late doing a work for… ethics" she lied and Elspeth saw right throw her.

"Sabrina!"

She looked up. There, by the entrance door of the building was Nick. Sabrina hated the way her heart sped up when she saw him, she had his name on the tip of her tongue but felt unable to say it.

He had his dark eyes fixed on hers.

She wanted to go to him and let him wrap his arms around her. She wanted to kiss him. She wanted to... Sabrina clenched her fists to avoid doing any of those things.

They held their gazes for longer than it could be consider appropriate, Nick walked towards her.

"Sabrina" he repeated her name like a plea "We need to talk. Please, stop evading me"

She looked at him again, trying to infuse her gaze with a contempt she didn't really feel. Elspeth looked from her to Nick without knowing what was happening. She had never seen Sabrina like that.

"Let's go, Elspeth. Or we'll be late." Sabrina said, she looked away from Nick.

Elspeth looked at her confused but said nothing and continue walking with her, neither of them saw the sad look on Nick's face.

He didn't follow her.

Nick didn't know how to interpret Sabrina's attitude or what he was feeling for her. He was confused. She had kissed him and then ran away from him, she didn't answer the messages he had sent to her.

And now, when he had tried to talk to her, she had deliberated ignore him. He felt unable to follow her after that.

What was happening to him?

He wasn't the kind of man who had to chase a girl, usually it was the other way around. But when it came to Sabrina Spellman, nothing he thought he knew applied.

It was so cliché but when he had kissed her it had been different. Different from any kiss he had given before.

She made him feel whole for the first time in a long time. And he didn't think that was possible. His heart was still racing and his fingertips tickling as he remembered the way her lips moved under his, how warm her skin was under his fingertips.

It was not simple passion. He knew a lot about it. This was something else.

And it was so wonderful, so new and scary that it left him breathless.

Having kissed her he knew that Sabrina could never be a one-night stand, he could never have enough of her. But it wasn't simple physical need what draw him to her. Not anymore.

He liked her, he really liked her.

She made him want to be better. She made him feel that need to be loved that he thought he didn't have anymore.

He wanted to be with her, to be the one who made her smile, laugh, sigh.

But she had someone else to do that for her.

He was just a mistake. As he had always been.

Worthless of love.

He resisted the sudden urge to cry he felt.

Sabrina had her suitcase open on her bed.

"What will they say at home, when they see you like this?" Prudence asked her, she was sitting on her bed. She was not going anywhere for the holidays.

Sabrina shrugged. The truth, she had not stopped to think about it.

"I'll find out soon" she replied "my aunts are coming for me"

Prudence nodded. She got up of her bed and went to get her coat.

She would go for a walk. She couldn't stay there.

"Well, I'm going for a walk. See you next year" she told Sabrina "Have a happy holidays with your family"

"Thank you..." she stopped before saying you too "Happy holidays, Prudence"

She nodded before leaving the room.

Sabrina finished packing the things she needed, closed her suitcase and sat on the bed. A sigh escaped from her lips.

That last week she hadn't felt herself and she must admit that she missed Nick.

She closed her eyes tightly, trying to forget him was easier said than done. She missed him. She missed his flirty comments, his smiles, the way he ran his hand through his hair every time he felt a bit nervous, she missed his dark eyes, his half-sided smile.

She groaned. She should stop thinking about Nick.

"I need to stop this" she muttered to herself before putting on her jacket, her aunts would arrive at any minute and she needed some fresh air before. Although the weather was cold and a storm would start sometime in the afternoon, she decided to wait for her aunts outside the residence building, if she stayed inside her room she would continue thinking.

She had done nothing but think during the last days.

Sabrina was waiting on the sidewalk when she saw him across the road. She couldn't help remembering the day they met. She wanted to smile at him, she felt the corners of her lips rise but stopped herself from doing it, she knew it wasn't right.

She looked away from him but could still feel Nick's eyes fixed on her.

She resisted the need to look back at him.

Sabrina saw her aunts' car on the road and sighed with relief while she waited for aunt Zelda to park the car. When he looked up again Nick was no longer there.

She tried to suppress her disappointment but she couldn't. She walked to the car, and gave a last look to the place where he had been standing. She shook her head, she needed to stop thinking about him.

"Hello, aunties" Sabrina stuck her head through the open car door.

"Sabrina" aunt Hilda exclaimed "Your hair"

Zelda looked at her niece and a small smile peeked at her lips.

"A makeover?" Sabrina nodded "I like it"

"Thank you, auntie"

"But, but..." Hilda didn't know very well what to say, she was still startled by Sabrina sudden change.

Sabrina got her head out and went to the back of the car to get her suitcase up.

"Why did she…? I mean, her hair…" Sabrina heard her aunt Hilda said.

"She probably needed a change" Zelda replied without bothering to lower her voice, no matter how much Hilda gestured for her to do so "I hope she decided to change something else too"

Sabrina shook her head at her aunt's words but still felt a knot in her stomach. She tried to suppress the uncomfortable sensation and got into the car, she smiled at her aunts but the smile didn't reach her eyes.

"You are wearing lipstick" her aunt said.

"Oh, Hilda, please stop. Sabrina is an adult and she can wear whatever she wants to"

"But you had never used colors like that, honey"

Sabrina shrugged.

"I needed a change"

"Good" Aunt Zelda commented before starting the car. "By the way, I thought Ambrose would come with you."

"He said he would stay a few days but he would be at home before Christmas"

Zelda nodded without taking her eyes off the road. Neither she nor Sabrina saw Hilda's worried look. Something was happening to her niece and she needed to know what it was.

The trip to Greendale was a silent one.

Sabrina was more nervous as the distance shortened. After almost four months she would finally see Harvey again.

And she was equally happy and terrified.

Happy because she had really missed him and terrified because she was almost certain she had written all over her face that she had kissed someone else.

"You're unusually quiet today, Sabrina," her aunt Zelda said.

"I was just thinking"

Her aunt nodded but she didn't see her, she was staring at the window, watching as she came closer and closer to Harvey and moved further and further away from Nick.