"Ren…?"
"… Grrrrrr….."
"-!"
I look up to find Ren, terrified. His glaring eyes are blood-shot, with his fangs bared with a low growl. …Like a beast drooling over its prey.
"Ah…"
I back away, driven by fear. Ren closes the distance with one slow step. … This isn't Ren. It's because I failed with Scrap… Did I destroy him?
"Grahhhh!"
"…! …Ren…!"
In the past…
I was called an "imaginary friend" by Aoba. When I was called that, I was a separate fragment of Aoba… along with the "other Aoba". The "other" Aoba was Aoba's "Instinct", a special being of desire with no knowledge of good and evil. Humans all have desire, but their actions are not driven by only that factor. That's why they all live with their desires suppressed. I was born as the "Restraint" inside of Aoba. We were a coexistence with some distinctions, as regular humans have "Reason", "Desire", and "Restraint" kept in equilibrium in their unconsciousness, or perhaps merged as one.
But Aoba was different. She was born under unique circumstances, and the burden must've been too much for her immature heart and mind. In order for her to escape the stress, she divided her consciousness into three parts. With the illusion of having three persons in one, she deceived herself.
Sei also dispersed his consciousness, but that was the only thing to escape the same stress Aoba experienced.
When Aoba met the man she called her father, Nain, when she was given her name, her unstable mind calmed. Aoba sensed that her father was like her. That may have been why it stabilized. After that, the "other" Aoba calmed down, and stopped talking to Aoba altogether. As Aoba's "Reason" began to work, our balance began to form.
But when Nain and Haruka left on a long journey, the balance in Aoba's mind broke again. As her only support was lost, she found new burdens cast onto her. The "other" Aoba and I resurfaced. And the circumstances were a bit different this time. The "other" Aoba… her instinct began to show in Aoba. Aoba's "Reason" became utterly powerless. I tried desperately to tell Aoba to stop, sensing the danger. But she pretended not to hear my voice. Aoba was stuck in the middle of the confusion, and went into a period where she holded up in her room…
When Aoba happened to be walking outside in the rain, she picked up a trashed Allmate model on the side of the road.
"…"
She must've felt pity for the discarded thing. Maybe it reminded her of herself. Aoba didn't use Allmates, but she had finally picked one up so she was interested. At that moment, I thought it was my chance.
I could synchronize with the wavelength of its consciousness when it was registered through an online connection. Sei had dispersed his consciousness over the net himself, so I thought of sneaking myself into the Allmate when Aoba registered it. I'd tune in with the programming, and it'd be possible to physically interact with Aoba as an Allmate. It went well in the end. I was able to get off the sidelines inside and curb Aoba on the outside. Aoba gave the Allmate the name "Ren". Once, Aoba told me that she thought I was "this massive lump", but it was different.
"When I held you, I thought you were this massive lump of fluff. You seemed a lot bigger back then. "
That was because she recognized me as her "imaginary friend" that felt bigger than her when she was young. She must've mixed up the Allmate Ren and the "me" that was her imaginary friend. Aoba's understanding was that the "other her" was something scary lurking deep inside of her.
…But, a short while after that, the "scary being" that the "other" Aoba should've been began to see things go in her direction. Aoba didn't listen to most of the things I had to say. But I still guarded her from the worst possible scenario, and I believe becoming her Allmate proved effective.
"Hey, ain't it alright? Just once, it's not like there are no other guys around."
"Hah?"
"I've been interested in you lately. You're strong in Rhyme any you're a looker with a pretty cute face."
"… Fuck off, don't touch me."
"-Ouch you're cold. Don't you fuck around over there all the time? Then just give me a little…"
TWHACK
"I told you to fuck off, so go. You're wrong that I fuck around. What you're saying…"
TWHACK
"Gah!"
"I'm only here to satisfy my own sleazy appetites. I've got no interest in screwing around."
"-Ow-Ouch! Take your fucking foot off my head!"
"…If you want me to blast holes through you and mince you up while trying to kill you, I'll be your partner. Do you want to destroy me? You…"
"Hii…!"
"Aoba, no more."
"…Ah?"
"That's enough. You should just leave him like this."
"… …Tsk."
"-Fuck! You're fucked up… Fucking crazy!"
"…Hmph .I don't want to be told if I'm fucked up or not from a piece of shit like you."
"Aoba…"
"You like to stop me when it gets good, don't youRen. It would've been so much fun to hit him with that. "
"You should stop picking meaningless fights."
"Yeah, yeah. There's no meaning in a fight. Haha!"
"…"
…After that. After Aoba had that incident in Rhyme, her mind was forcibly compromised, erasing all her memories from the event. It was possible that I remembered while Aoba didn't, but the influence was so strong that I lost the memory of it as well.
And I even forgot that I was actually a fragment of Aoba's personality. After that, I lived thinking that I really was the Allmate Ren.
Because of the worm I caught in a Drive-By, all of my original memories came back. I remembered everything. Not just my memories. I remembered… this impossible feeling even if I was an Allmate, or a fragment of Aoba's mind.
I loved Aoba.
I was originally Aoba. So holding affections for myself was an indescribable, curious phenomenon. It was chaos, something I'd never felt before. And I wasn't able to comprehend what happened to my body then.
But still, emotion was frightening thing.
To a startling degree, the feeling that "I love Aoba" swelled inside of me. All of the memories of her face, her body, her words… All of it ran through me, and my feelings for Aoba grew even stronger. Maybe it was because of the virus, or it may have always been like this and I'd only ignored it. The answer is both of those things. There was no doubt I had a bug, but the time I spent with Aoba up until then became irreplaceable.
It was an obvious thing. In order to protect Aoba…I was born for that purpose. And I wanted nothing in return. I didn't have any awareness of it at first, but I had truly been watching nothing but Aoba from the beginning.
I wanted to protect her.
But I couldn't connect to her like this. Being tossed around by these conflicting emotions, I was surprised to have the consciousness – the feelings – of a human. When it began with a single puff, I couldn't stop it.
BA-DUMP
None of my controls worked.
BA-DUMP
Was there a person inside of me?
BA-DUMP
At the same time, my thoughts on the "other" Aoba began to change with my awakened emotions.
BA-DUMP
It's not that I feel hostile against instinct…the "other" Aoba.
BA-DUMP
I hold the duty of restraining that instinct, and that alone.
BA-DUMP
But the moment I understood emotion, I understood what "Instinct" wanted from Aoba.
BA-DUMP
"Instinct"… She was lonely. Aoba treated her like an enemy. The truth is that "Instinct" was made to protect Aoba too. She was treated as something evil, and was restrained by me in the end. She didn't wake up with as strong of a presence as mine, but still…
She wanted to return to Aoba, wanted Aoba to recognize her, and was lonely.
Instinct and desire… are parts of Aoba.
My feelings for Aoba are different, but I understood those of "Instinct". Because I was once again separate from Aoba. Yes. Even if I have a will of my own, I am still part of Aoba. I'm not human, so I can't do anything even if I yearn for her. It was a mistake for me to have ever had these feelings. These feelings are punishment. So I have to kill them off. If I do, I can fulfill my duty. I'd become a contradiction, a part of Aoba that wants her. These are feelings that can never come true. If they don't disappear soon…
…But. The more I tried to get rid of them, the more I thought about Aoba.
"What?"
"You're thinking too much. My thought circuit is almost short-circuiting."
"Seriously? Just how poor of a thought circuit did I install in you?"
"If the intensity of the thought circuit is temporarily set to 100 and compared to the average adult female, the intensity of Aoba's thought circuit would be…"
"Okay, okay. You don't have to tell. It's me who's going to short-circuit from that explanation.
"Is that so."
****
"Thanks, as always."
"The pleasure is mine."
"Take care of me from now on, too."
"The pleasure is mine."
"…You always reply with that."
"Is it odd?"
"When I held you, I thought you were this massive lump of fluff. You seemed a lot bigger back then. "
"Isn't that because you've grown?"
"True. But you're still fluffy. Besides, we're like siblings. But now I'm the older sister while you're the younger one."
"I can't agree to that."
"Thought you'd say that."
"If I become inefficient, I will just be trouble for you, Aoba."
"That's not true. I'm not saying that, I'm genuinely concerned about you."
"It's fine. I don't want to cause you any trouble."
"I never said anything like that. Ren, listen to me."
"Please, don't mind me."
"You… enough with that! What's happened to you? Do you have any idea what you're saying?"
…Aoba.
If I wasn't part of her… Would I be able to realize these feelings? …No that's not completely impossible. If I wasn't "Aoba", I wouldn't exist in the first place. I'm here as Aoba is here. If I was no longer a "part of Aoba". I wouldn't be in this world. I know. I know it well. But… Even if if I think of "what- ifs", in the end, I'm just "Restraint". I can't do my duty anymore.
These feelings won't go away. No matter how hard I try to get rid of them or forget them.
….Aoba.
I want to be with Aoba.
I want to hold Aoba.
Is that as Ren? The name Ren was originally for the Allmate. The who am I? What am I, without a name? I don't know.
I'm Aoba. But I have my own will. Not Ren's. Then what am I? Me, who is only there for "Restraint"… If I try to change that, I'll just be trash. I have neither a role nor a name.
…If only. If I hadn't been "Aoba" from the start, would these feelings have come to fruition? I started to think in circles, knowing it was pointless to think about. What if I was something different in the beginning? …No, not that.
What if I had a different body from Aoba's? What if I could touch her in reality? What if Aoba and I were two different people? Why couldn't it have been that way? …Could it have ever happened that way? It's not that something went wrong. It was something that could just not happen. Because Aoba and I are the "same thing", I can't let myself want her. No matter how much I struggle, there's a boundary line between her and me. One so close, but one I can't cross. I can't go to her side. Even if we're close, we're endlessly far away. All of this is because I came to know emotion. Then, soon enough…
I should completely become one with Aoba.
…Something I should never think about crosses my mind. If I'm the closest to Aoba, yet can't do anything… Then, soon enough… If we become one…
…No. I can't think that way.
Right here and now. But I can't stop my feelings. My emotions… are running wild. What'll happen if I give up now? Aoba will just become someone else's. What if I could just erase my existence by wanting to? But what if I couldn't? All I could do would be to quietly watch Aoba inside here, while holding these suffocating feelings for her. I'd have no choice but to watch her… fall in love with someone else. …No. I don't want that. Then soon.
I'll- Aoba-
I'll- Aoba-
I'll- Aoba-
I'll-
I 'l l
I 'LL
i 'l l
l
"…..!"
…Ren hover over me on all fours, his arms and knees pinning me down like a beast. It's pitch black, and I can't see a thing. It's just that Ren's indistinct figure is in front of me. It's so dark I can't see his face. But I can hear the low growl and see the white glint in his eyes glaring down at me. A lukewarm liquid drips down from Ren's mouth onto my face.
"Ren…!" Suddenly taken by fear, I frantically call out his name. It's Ren, but it's not.
What do I do?
I'm scared. I don't know what to do.
I want to get away.
But I can't. Because Ren is…
But if this keeps on…
"Gahhhh!" With a quaking roar, Ren brings down his face to me. Feeling a piercing heat drive into my neck, a shock hits me.
"Ugah, ah!"
He bit me! His sharp fangs easily penetrate my flesh, drawing fresh blood.
"Ow, hurts…! Stop, Ren…!"
Screaming with all I have, I try to push Ren's chest away. My resistance futile, Ren swings his right hand down to my chest.
"Uwaaaahhhhh…!" Like sharpened knives, Ren's claws rip through my shirt to my chest. His claws piercing into my chest, I can feel him tear at my muscles. Taken over by an intense heat rather pain, my eyesight goes dark like I was just hit on the back of my head. Ren's fingers claw at my chest, stirring up blood. The pain slowly soaks in, making me feel as if the air's been squeezed out of my lungs.
Why… Did it come to this… This isn't reality. I'm still inside myself. I failed using Scrap on Ren. Ren is me, so I'm in the bizarre state of my own consciousness. But now it's Ren's world. This is his everything now. Just as he wants.
Then his wish…
…
…Was to kill me? I can't imagine why else it'd be like this. But why…
"Guh…"
Ren licks the blood running from my neck to my chest and slurps it up. With a gulp, a noise comes from his throat, sounding like it was delicious.
"Ah…" When I notice, there are tears flowing from my eyes. I don't know whether it's because of the pain, the sadness, or the agony.
"Ren…please, stop…Ren…"
Ren raises his head to my voice. The bestial look in his eyes locks on me. I can't find an ounce of reason in them. His mouth, wet with red blood, matches his deep red tongue hanging out.
"Ren…"
My eyes well with more tears at the sight of him.
"Grrrrr….."
Whatever Ren is thinking, he pulls himself up and slackens the force pushing me down. He takes his hands and legs off of me.
"…!"
"Grah!"
"Hii, ah!" He strongly bites down into my neck as I try to escape, firmly biting down. I lose my strength to the pain, and lost my chance to escape. I just try to push him off with all my might.
"St-o…Ren…!" He holds my neck in his mouth, shaking his head around. Sinking his fangs into his prey, as if telling it to stop resisting. The pain in my neck grows worse and worse; the sound of my artery pumping grows strangely loud. With his teeth in my neck, he flips over my body.
"Ow…urk…!"
My posture warped, my neck hurts as if it's cramped. I unwillingly follow Ren's movements and lie face down. He finally takes his teeth out of my neck.
"…..!"
In the brief relief of being released, Ren pulls up my hips.
"Gruuuuuhh…"
"!?"
The second I enter the position I feel something on my thigh. Something hot and stiff is trailing down my ass.
"Ren…!"
No…!
While trying to crawl away, his claws dig into my back. His sharp nails bite into my shoulder blade.
"Ahhhhhhh…!" When I curl my back to try to escape the piercing pain, Ren fiercely thrusts into me.
"Ugah, ahhhh…! Ow…!" At this point…I don't even know if I could call this "pain". My body feels like it's ripping on the inside out.
"Ouch…hah…!" I can't breathe. My voice won't come out. Just shallow gasps. His dick tears my insides apart like a burning red knife. With a shrill buzzing in my ears, I can't hear anything. My vision, my mind; it's all dyed red. Blood spurts from the raw flesh of my chest, mixed with gastric acid. My throat catches and I choke.
"Ugh…urrgh…"
It's suffocating, and all I manage are sobs. I can't feel anything, numb and burnt out from the pain. But more than that… My chest, where the sorrow pools, is crushed. I don't know why is this happening. But… Did I reject Ren so harshly that it came to be like this? Did I not realize that it was so severe that he could not come back?
Ren…
"Grr…" Ren wraps his arm under my arms, around my chest, lifting the upper half of my body. A wet sensation creeps down my back. Ren is licking…where the blood had been drawn by his claws on my back.
"Ah…"
Taken aback by the warmth and tenderness of his tongue, tears begin to flow again. I'm just deluding myself…that he's comforting me. Even though warmth from the wound is met with an even stronger pain.
"Ah! Ow, tch…!" Holding me up with his arm, Ren starts to move inside of me. My body probably hutr from being forcibly opened, I feel a hot wetness inside of me. Because of it, the thrusting is easier, but the pain doubles.
"Uwah! Ah, ha…! Ughh…"
Right now, Ren has no reason.
He's now a beast.
He violently shakes his body, without a shred of concern. While my body wither, I don't get wet either. With half my body elevated, only half my chest would push out, making the position even more suffocating. My mouth hanging open, red-tinted saliva trickles down. Maybe because I cried, or because the pain is so cruel, my nose is so hot and clogged.
His sharp claws mercilessly sink into my shoulder.
"It hurts, ow…Ren!"
I cry and scream, but my voice doesn't reach him. Rough gasps escape my chest, I vomit blood, catching the acrid smell of iron, and tears stream down my face.
…For an instant. I feel hatred boil inside of me. I don't know why this had to happen, but this is the world Ren wanted to himself. If Ren detested me, and wanted to kill me, then he would be able do it here. …He would have to be able to do it here. If he wanted to kill me. Then at least…
I think of hating Ren myself, to find a way to escape from this. I still haven't tried my hardest to resist. I can't resist at all.
Because it's Ren.
And I don't want to hurt him.
But I'm n so much pain that I can't honestly say that now. If I hated him enough to want to kill him, and if I fought tooth and nail myself…
At least I could get away from this awful situation. The undeniable thought crosses my mind. It was my fault in the beginning for failing at Scrap. So I don't think I can escape it completely. But I start to think about it, unable to escape the physical and the mental pain.
"Ugh, gruugh…" Ren moves, pleasured, and sips up the blood flowing down from the bites on my neck. Sometimes he licks my neck and ear with his tongue. It shakes my heart again…the tenderness of that touch.
Covered in blood, I look for a means of escape in the corners of my mind.
…In the end, it's useless.
I can't.
I can't hate Ren. It's my fault that this happened…
If I push him away again…
"Gaah…!" Ren deeply bellows, moving still, and speeds up his thrusts. My chest being held back by massive force, his thrusts delve even deeper. His chest sticks to my back, the heat radiating as the bloodied wounds on my back rub against him.
"Hii, ah…!"
I scream from the burning pain as he pushes into my wounds. But at that moment.
BA DUMP
"…..?"
For just a second, something ran through my body. Right then…
Just like when I was pulled into a Drive-By by Ren and he bit my arm.
BA DUMP
This…
This sensation…
"…!"
"Gaaah!"
SPLASH
"Uwah!"
He bites into my shoulder, calling my consciousness back.
Just now…
Something just caught me.
Just before I grasped, the sensation disappeared. Was that just… Ren's?
"Gruuuuuuuuh….." He groans while biting down on my shoulder, sinking his teeth into it.
"Hurts…Ren! Guh…Eek, ahhh…!"
Deeper and deeper, his fangs sink into my muscles and blood gushes out. I hear a munching sound. The squelch of meat. The sound of being torn apart. It hurts. It hurts.
ithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurts
"Ren…!"
"GRAAAHHHH!"
"Gi…..ah…!"
Ren tears something off of my shoulder. The…meat of it.
"Grrrrr..."
With a low growl from his throat, I hear a splash. And a crunch.
"….."
"Grrr…"
My awareness starts to dim…
Most likely because of all the blood rushing out of my body. But more than that…
Like my chest is being torn apart, I feel something other than the loss of blood.
The acceptance that I'm hopeless.
The gaping hole is so dark and cold that I never expected it.
I can't go back now, can I?
Neither me…
Nor Ren…
"Haah…ah…! …Ahhh…."
Something like a faint chill runs down my muscles. Temperature loss from losing blood? No. it's not that, but an uncanny sensation. Something very pleasant…
While losing everything, my brain had maybe at least relieved me of the pain. With most of the pain dimming away, my consciousness unhinges. It seems strange to me. Even like this I don't feel any murderous intent from Ren. Even though he's trying to kill me. Why?
So I…
Thought about hating you…
But I couldn't…
But I…
A terrible sadness comes over me thinking of it, and tears come out. Even like this… I want to reach Ren somehow.
I turn my shivering arm, and lightly pet Ren's head as he sucks up blood from my arm.
I…
"You're precious to me. I never threw you away. I always want to be with you."
With no strength, my fingertips barely brush his hair. But still I…
You…
"…..! …..Ren…"
SPLASH
