The lightsaber in his hand glowed. His tears sizzled as they splashed onto the hilt.
He wasn't sure how long he'd been down there when he finally opened his eyes again. The crystal was quiet now. He had no idea whether or not he'd done any good. Judging from the burns on his hands, he decided something had happened. He tried to channel a little healing into them but had pretty much nothing left to give. Maybe Rey had left him some bacta.
He took a deep breath and checked in with himself emotionally. Regret was still there for all the lost years. Sadness, so much sadness, was still there. But the crippling guilt had eased. Not all of it, but enough that he felt like maybe he could move forward.
Forward into what he wasn't sure.
He pulled himself to his feet painfully. He had clearly been sitting a while judging from the pins and needles in his legs. He glanced up at the hole in the ceiling far above. It was still daylight. That was good.
Carefully, he laid his thumb over the switch. There was every chance the cracked crystal had simply splintered and would explode the instant he ignited it.
Well, he thought fatalistically, if it does, it does, and pressed.
The cave suddenly glowed a rich purple. The hilt hummed in his hand. He could still sense a tiny bit of pop from the original flaw, but the power was steady and well-contained by the housing. The color surprised him. His mother's saber had gone to lavender, but his was a dark, passionate amethyst.
The only other record he'd found of this color in a lightsaber belonged to Jedi Mace Windu-a man of many contradictions as well.
Ben decided that his crystal had chosen well. "I will make every attempt to be worthy to carry you," he promised. "And I will absolutely rework your exhaust, once I've got some bacta on my hands." He then extinguished the blade and prepared to wind his way out again. Climbing the rope was out of the question.
But before he could move away from the mirrored wall, he caught movement out of the corners of his eyes. On either side of him stretched images of himself. He glanced to his right but the images did not change. Then to the left, still no change. Just duplicate after duplicate of himself. Curious, he raised the lightsaber and ignited the blade-all purple on both sides.
He extinguished it again and walked closer to the cave wall, pressing his hand to it once more. The polished surface felt cool to the touch, very soothing to his burned fingers. He let out a sigh and closed his eyes.
"Ben," he heard her whisper.
"Rey," he whispered back. He opened his eyes to see her on the other side of the dividing plane, her hand pressed to his. "Let me guess, you went to the version of me with the burns."
"No," she said lightly. "There was only one of you. It was easy this time."
The stone beneath his hand had begun to warm between them, which at first caused his scorched skin to sting, but only for an instant.
"You seem tired," she stated. "I think you could use a good night's sleep."
"I don't know about that. Rose seems to think I'm seducing you in my dreams," he teased. "I sure hope I am. I just wish I could remember them."
She laughed. "Let's just say you're giving me lots of good reasons to remember you and want to be with you."
"Good. I miss you, Rey," he said. "Maybe I've finally started to fix the broken place inside me, but I still miss you."
"I miss you too, Ben." Her voice was gentle. "You've been through a lot lately. I'm sorry I couldn't be with you for it."
"It's okay. It's something I had to do myself. But it's better. Not perfect but better. Maybe you'll be able to come closer now," he said, hope beginning to rise inside him.
Her fingers moved against his and her presence lanced through him like lightning. Their palms met, really met-skin to skin, not skin to ghost. No barriers of clothing, no transcending distance with the Force, no dream.
The intensity of the connection shook them both, and their fingers interlaced, hands gripping each other. They breathed as one. Their hearts beat as one. He felt her body vibrate in tune with his.
"Can you feel that?" her voice sounded inside his head.
"Yes. I feel you. All of you." The Force surrounded and suffused them both, blending their energies into one, but yet still two, divided yet together, existing on both planes at once. He could feel the ground rumble beneath his feet.
"We can't stay like this," she warned him aloud as her hand moved up his wrist.
He tried to press through the plane to her, but the field pushed him away, forcing him to take a step back. Her grip on his wrist slipped back to his fingertips, and the ground trembled even harder.
He couldn't let go of her, not again. "Then join me here," he whispered aloud. "Please."
"It won't be easy. I'll need your help," she warned.
"Take whatever you need. Just be with me."
She nodded and closed her eyes. He felt their bond begin to glow more brightly, connecting them. "Let me come to you," she instructed. "Don't reach for me. Just keep the balance. Be the anchor."
He nodded. She began to push her hand through the blue shimmer of the wall that separated them, her fingers sliding up his to his palm then his wrist once more. She cried out once in either pain or effort. His first instinct was to step toward her, but he felt the imbalance begin before it started and he understood. He was the anchor. His job was to hold.
The shimmering blue of the wall between them blazed like a sheet of lightning. Whatever barrier lay between the two planes in the Force began to stretch and pull.
"Should we even be doing this?" he asked, raising his voice over the sounds of crackling energy. "Are we breaking some kind of fundamental rule of the universe?"
Her hand reached his forearm. "I don't care," she declared, her eyes stormy and intense. "I belong with you. But I think I am supposed to do this. I feel like now I can."
A veritable storm of power swirled around them, roaring and flashing with every inch Rey pushed through. Ben watched and focused on breathing. In. Out. As she fought against turmoil, he sought peace within him, planted and strong. He breathed and calmed his mind and his emotions. He trusted her.
She cried out again, clearly struggling against the boundary between them. He remembered the very first time he'd touched her mind, how she fought him. He felt that same fierce determination in her again and loved her all the more for it.
She briefly let go of his arm as she shifted her grip to his shoulder, but he steeled himself against the need to hang on to whatever contact he could keep with her. He breathed and made himself immovable, letting the fight be hers. "You can do this, Rey," he encouraged silently, but wasn't sure if she could hear him over the din from the barrier echoing in his ears and in his mind.
All around him, a storm raged, a storm in the Force that threatened to tear the cave apart. He felt the ground tremble and crack. Above him he could hear Finn yelling.
But he held firm. He breathed and centered his feelings, refused to allow fear any hold. Her other hand reached his fingertips, then his wrist. He wanted to reach for her, to pull her near, but he could sense just how tenuous their place was. Instead, he rooted himself more firmly as she fought through to him amidst the now nearly blinding surges of blue Force lightning.
He could feel her energy waning. "Take what you need from me!" he shouted into the maelstrom. Her hand reached his cheek and she drew on him. He didn't hold anything back, pouring everything he had into her to give her the power to do this.
Ben felt the world tilt beneath his feet but he held firm. He concentrated on the touch of her hand against his face. "Come back to me," he whispered to her spirit.
The chaotic forces that battered them now threatened to knock him down. He could not let that happen. She was right in front of him now, eyes closed, pushing her face and body through the blue veil of power between them. He poured more of his energy into her as she fought her way through it, inch by inch. Determination was etched into her face, and she growled as she stepped one foot forward.
His heart beat faster, and he grew lightheaded.
"Rey!" Finn yelled from above. "What are you doing to her? Stop!"
Ben wanted to call back and reassure him, but it took all his energy to remain conscious. "You've got this, Rey," he wanted to say, but a wave of dizziness washed over him. His breath came faster.
Rey's hand moved from his cheek to grip the back of his neck. Then the other grabbed at his shoulder. He wanted to reach for her, but he remained still. "Take what you need," he whispered to her against the storm that still raged, making himself an immovable island in the midst of the sea.
She screamed as she pulled her other foot forward, then slammed into him as if she'd fallen onto him from a height. Her arms flew around him as the Force storm calmed and settled. He felt her chest heave against his, felt the warm glow of her presence, but fainter than he'd like.
He opened his eyes. She rested against his shoulder, her hair wild as if she'd been in a strong wind, her arms tight around him.
"I made it," she whispered. "I'm here."
"You're here," he responded breathlessly. "Can I hold you yet?"
"Yes."
But before he could move, everything swirled around him. He was unconscious before he hit the ground.
-0-
Voices. Her touch. More voices. A steady beep. Voices. Weeping. Her fingers gripping his so tightly.
-0-
Voices. Daylight.
"Ben? Can you hear me? We're going to move you, okay?"
Lifting. Movement.
Voices.
Rey?
"I'm right here." Her hand on his. Her presence everywhere.
Good.
-0-
Darkness. Voices outside the door.
"…all I know is we can't keep this quiet much longer." That was Rose.
"And if we have to move him again, we need more help. I thought we'd never get him out of that damned cave," Finn groaned. "My back still hurts."
"I'm worried that he's still out of it," Rose said. "It's been three days."
"Rey said he pretty much gave her everything he had. It's a wonder it didn't kill him."
Rey. He tried to form thoughts and words.
"Rey?" His voice was a harsh whisper. He couldn't feel her close. He tried to reach out, but he just didn't have the energy.
"Hey, Ben," Rose came to his side. "She'll be back."
He tried to remember when he saw her. "I dreamed she was here." He looked up at Rose, trying to read her expression. He couldn't concentrate. He was still so tired.
"Go back to sleep, sweetie," Rose said gently, pulling his blanket more firmly over his shoulders.
His eyes closed and the last thing he heard was Finn. "You are always so nice to him and mean to me and Poe. It isn't fair."
-0-
Ben woke to sunshine. That was unexpected. He never woke to sunshine. The sun didn't shine on starships. He didn't really have a window in the hut on Ahch-to. Besides, the bed was too big and too comfortable for Ahch-to. He opened his eyes, blinking in the bright light that shone through the window which revealed a blue sky and green trees outside. The walls of the room were a pale yellow.
He tried to sit up, but he was so tired.
The door opened. "Hey, hey, hey, don't get up. Not yet."
Rey ran into the room, alive and whole and real.
He had to be dreaming. He smiled at her. It was a good dream. He hoped he'd remember it.
"I felt you waking up." She sat next to him and took his hand. Her presence rolled through him like a wave of golden light, lending him strength.
"We should have touched more. Before," he said, his voice hoarse. "On Takodana. I'd have turned then."
She laughed. It felt so real. He hoped this dream lasted. "I might have beat you to it." She sighed. "It's better this way. Neither of us have to change for the other."
Her fingers brushed through his hair, but his eyes were already closing. He barely felt her lips brush his forehead before he was gone again.
-0-
"Ben, wake up." Rey's presence surged into him. Her hand was against his cheek.
His eyes fluttered open. It was daylight again. Where were they?
"There you are." She sounded relieved. "I need you to concentrate. Open yourself to the Force. Let it fill you."
He took a deep breath and tried to do as she instructed. His head began to clear a little. "I'm not dreaming."
She smiled at him. "You're not dreaming. But you did almost kill yourself getting me back here. You've been out of it for days."
"Are you okay?" He reached up to touch her hair.
"I'm fine." She was sitting next to him. She'd taken his hand.
He felt her with him, her energy merging with his around the periphery of her being. Relief coursed through him. "I don't think I can let go," he admitted as he clutched her fingers even tighter.
"Well, you're going to have to for at least a moment. We've got to get you awake and fed and ready to go public. I've put it off as long as I could, but the provisional council is demanding to see you," she groaned. "Plus, it is really boring watching you sleep. I can't visit your dreams anymore," she added in a teasing voice.
"I never could remember them anyway," he replied, trying very hard to keep his emotions in check. He just got her back. He did not want to scare her away by falling completely apart.
"Breathe with me." Her voice was calm. "It's okay. We're both okay now."
Ben breathed and allowed himself to feel the Force, soaking himself in the bond between them, letting her life fill him. She was alive. She was there. He could feel her.
After several minutes, he found a place of balance and focus, somewhere between stoicism and hysteria. After several long minutes, he felt strong enough to sit up. Then he focused on food, then on gathering enough strength to hit the bathing facilities, then dressing.
"You're doing great," Rey encouraged him from the other room, giving him more privacy than he really wanted, but keeping her touch on his spirit strong.
At last he sat in a chair, shaking from exertion, water soaking his collar, but fed, washed, and clothed. Rey took down a towel from the rack and walked behind him to dry his hair.
"I don't even know where we are," he said, relaxing into her touch. No one had done something as simple as this for him in almost twenty years.
"Chandrila."
He shivered, partially from cold, partially from terror. "So the New Republic has its current capital on Chandrila. Again."
"Apparently," she replied, then she paused and put her hands on his shoulders. "What's wrong?"
"I was born on Chandrila. On the day the Galactic Concordance was signed." He shivered again. First Child of the New Republic, they'd called him. He'd hated that.
"Well, they've located here again since the Hosnian System was destroyed," she declared.
Ben got up, went to the bathing room, and promptly threw up everything he'd just eaten.
"Ben? Are you okay?" Rey asked from the doorway.
"I'll be fine." He washed his face but couldn't bring himself to look in the mirror. Instead he forced himself to breathe. He remembered what he'd told himself in his vision of the catwalk on Starkiller. He did the things he did. He had to live with the consequences. But he was not to blame. He reached out for his kyber crystal, to assure himself of the healing, but couldn't feel it.
"Where is my lightsaber?" he asked Rey even though he already knew the answer.
"Secured," she sighed.
He nodded. He felt vulnerable and exposed without it. "If they try to kill me, will you protect me?" he asked, only partially kidding.
"They've got mine-well, Leia's-too," she declared.
"Why yours?" he asked as they walked hand in hand across the compound to the council chambers.
"I've been dead for almost a year, Ben. They don't know what I am either," she sounded sad. Then she gave him a smile. "But we're together again. We can handle anything they throw at us." He leaned into her strength and confidence, letting the golden light of her energy combat the darkness of his own.
When the interrogation started—because it was most certainly an interrogation—they wouldn't let Rey stay in the room. He answered their questions for hours, giving up everything he knew about the First Order, confessing to everything they accused him of that he actually did, and taking responsibility for everything else as the final remaining leader of the First Order.
They would probably have him executed, he decided. And while he could appreciate their reasons for killing him, he could not allow that to happen. Rey had just come back. There was no way he was going to leave her in the hell he'd just lived through, cut off from her, more alone than he'd ever been. At least when she'd been a Force ghost, she'd been able to sense him. But he'd felt utterly and completely alone. He would not let them do that to her.
They took a brief break for the midday meal. He was picking at what food they'd brought him when the world suddenly fell away. Rey sat across from him, connected via the Force. She reached for him. He slipped his fingers into hers with a deep sigh of contentment.
"Are you okay?" she asked, concern evident in her eyes. It made him feel better to see it.
"I'm fine." He tried to put as much assurance as he could into his voice.
"No, you aren't. I can feel it, Ben. Drink something at least."
He nodded and took a sip of the water they'd put before him.
"And eat something," she added.
He dutifully took a bite and another drink of water. "You know, when they put me in prison, at least we can visit this way," he suggested.
"True," she replied, "but I have no intention of letting you go to prison."
"It might be out of your hands, Rey," he warned.
"The entire leadership-almost-of the Resistance vouches for you." Her voice was firm and comforting. "I am vouching for you."
"Yes, but you've been gone almost a year." He couldn't say the word 'dead.' Not where Rey was concerned.
She frowned, and he knew he'd hit on a legitimate issue.
He squeezed her hand. "But you're here now. I'm here. We'll do what we have to do. They can't separate us really. Not when this-" he put both his hands on hers "-is possible."
Some of the council members began to re-enter the chamber, so he reluctantly let go of her hand. "I'm fine," he assured her again quietly and let her go. She was still frowning at him.
He considered trying to read the mood of the group with the Force just to see where he stood with them, then decided against it. First of all, he didn't really have the strength. Secondly, he just didn't care. Let them think what they wanted of him. He couldn't change the past. He could only change himself.
The rest of the long afternoon passed pretty much like the morning as he answered every question as honestly as he could, constantly reaching out to touch the bond with Rey to remind himself that she was alive.
Whatever else happened, Rey was alive. Somehow they'd figure out the rest.
