~Chapter Fourteen~


Your lips are nettles,

Your tongue is wine.

Your laughter's liquid,

But your body's pine.

You love all sailors,

But hate the beach.

You say come touch me

But you're always out of reach...

~Sea Wolf, The Violet Hour~


Well it's official. I'm fighting a battle that I cannot win. Universe: one; Bonnie: a big, fat nothing. I have gone from being Mystic Falls highest over-achiever to the world's biggest disappointment in a matter of hours. I've never had a problem with making good choices and, well, that's all I seem to be doing now.

After my father's rant, he sent me to my room to "think about what I've done," as if I were a small child. And he's completely in the right. I suppose I have a lot more to figure out than I'm ready to admit. I have been putting off making a bunch of essential decisions. All while pretending I had everything under control—simply because I refused to believe that I was capable of fucking up even further. Having drunken, unprotected sex with Damon was a brief lapse of judgement. Getting pregnant was an unfortunate side-effect. But I would do the right thing because that's what I've always done.

And I had been so sure I knew what that was.

But I had been thinking with my heart, not my brain. Damon and I had been avoiding the hard topics. Like children. Scared, dumb children. Maybe I should have gone through with the abortion… I almost wish that Damon hadn't given me that get-out-of-jail-free card. Why had he been so understanding? So not Damon.

I roll over on my bed and try to pull my knees up to my chest—to no avail. My body has changed just enough to make bending over and sobbing in the fetal position very difficult tasks. The crying itself comes very easily, though. And the longer I cry, the more confused I feel. I'm so wrapped up in my misery that I don't hear my bedroom door open, don't realize my mother is here until she's standing right in front of my bed.

She nudges my leg. "Scoot over."

I sigh and push myself up into a sitting position.

"I seemed to have missed a lot in the past few months."

I sniffle. "I guess so."

She puts an arm around my shoulder and pulls me in for a hug. "Catch me up, then. Start at the very beginning."

I shift away from her and tug at my sweatshirt uncomfortably. "Um… it started with a challenge."

"A challenge?"

I selected that particular word because I thought it was the most innocuous option. I kind of forgot that my parents are only semi-aware of my antagonistic relationship with Damon. They, for some unknown reason, assumed that we had grown out of our rivalry—which we hadn't… at the time.

"Damon said I was a buzz-kill, so I decided to prove him wrong."

"Well, you do have a strong need to be right all the time."

"Mom!"

She gives me a small smile. "I'm sorry. Continue."

I look away. "Obviously, it was supposed to be a… singular incident… and it was."

"You didn't think to use protection?" My mom furrows her brows. "That doesn't seem like you."

"I wasn't in a normal frame of mind." I explain. "And then, we went to take care of it and- I- I couldn't-h-handle it."

"And Damon felt the same?"

"I thought I co-could do it all! I didn't want to upset you!"

My mom sighs and shakes her head. "Bonnie Bear, if anyone can do it all, it's you. But not alone."

I wipe my nose on my sleeve. "I can't go to any of the schools you guys want!"

"What is it that you want, then? I didn't realize we weren't on the same page on that subject."

"I dodid. I just think I want this more now." I turn to look my mom in the eyes for the first time. I expect to see the same disappointment in her irises that I saw in Dad's. But I don't. Instead, I see compassion mixed with worry.

"Bon, if that's what you truly want to do, I'll help in whatever way I can."

I'm shocked. "Seriously?"

"Well, I'm certainly not going to do all the work for you. And I encourage you to look at another avenue. There's adoption, too." She becomes a bit more stern. "I think that would be wise, but it's your baby, your choice."

"Not if Dad has anything to say about it." I mutter.

"He will come around… he's just concerned and honestly, a bit hurt that you didn't come to us for help."

"… I didn't want to change the way you look at me." I say quietly. I feel pathetic.

"Baby, you're still the same smart, beautiful young woman I know and love. But I think you need to inform the other party involved before your father does."

I wrinkle my nose. "You mean Mr. Salvatore?"

She nods. "I managed to convince him to give you two an opportunity to do that."

"… Thank you… for everything…"

She kisses the top of my head. "That's what mothers are for."

And then she leaves me with my thoughts.


Today's an important day. Today I find out the gender of the baby. I'm going with my mother who—much like Caroline—has become very supportive of me. Much more watchful, but supportive nonetheless. Damon can't go, which I'm actually a little sad about. He has to stay after school to complete a test he missed when we left Mystic Falls High the first time. When he told me, I acted like it was no big deal. Quite frankly, I might be more bothered by the fact that it upsets me more than his actual absence does.

He hasn't been very talkative the past couple days—no smug remarks, no snappy comebacks. It was weird. But I am just happy that Rebekah hasn't been breathing down his neck lately, so I pushed my slight concern aside.

The doctor's office I am sitting in is much more aesthetically pleasing than Planned Parenthood. After my mother found out my secret, she insisted that I go to her OBGYN. I agreed, because I didn't have much to lose. I saved about ten dollars in gas and none of my classmates would actually know the reason behind my appointment. Thankfully, I don't see anyone I know here, but that could change any second.

I tap my foot anxiously on the hardwood floor, pretending to read a magazine. Every so often I glance at the ornate clock on the wall. Fifteen minutes to go until the allotted appointment time. I look around the room. The wallpaper is a pale yellow covered in a white damask pattern. There are two paintings hanging on the wall: a vase of pink lilies and a portrait of a mother gazing lovingly at her baby. I automatically picture myself in her place and butterflies flutter in my stomach.

"Bonnie?"

My head snaps to the left. "Yes?"

"You can come on back." The nurse smiles at me and I don't feel as nervous as I did at my previous doctor visits.

Gone is the invasive wand. In its place is unbearable need to pee. The ultrasound technician goes over the various body parts my baby has developed and informs me that everything looks as it should.

"Would you like to know the sex?"

I nod.

"It's a girl. Congratulations!"

"Thank you," I murmur and I can feel my eyes beginning beginning to water. "I'm sorry, I don't usually get emotional like this."

The tech smiles warmly at me. "No problem, sweetie. It's normal."

"Not for me," I insist, sitting up and grabbing a tissue from the box on the side table.

"Sometimes normal changes," my mom says gently

I'm suddenly very overwhelmed by how real that statement has become.


To: Damon

From: Bonnie

Hey can you meet me in the park in 10?

I put my phone in my pocket and sit on the blanket I spread out on the grass. It's eight o clock and the sun set about thirty minutes ago. The sky is clear and the moon is almost full. I start picking out the constellations I know by memory while waiting for his reply.

My phone beeps five minutes later.

To: Bonnie

From: Damon

On my way.

The anxiousness I felt earlier comes back full-force. I nearly jump out of my skin when I hear Damon's voice.

"What's the 4-1-1, Bon Bon?"

"Stop talking like a dad from the nineties."

"No promises."

I roll my eyes. "Whatever. I just wanted to tell you about the appointment."

"I'm all ears."

"Everything is good…" I begin. "She's healthy and everything."

Damon's quiet for several moments.

"Are you okay? You're doing that broody thing again."

He smirks, "first I talk too much. Now I'm not talking enough. What is it with you?"

"I guess I'm just worried about you." I say, embarrassed.

"I'm flattered."

"I'm being serious." I insist. I look at him closely. "You're mad about the girl thing?"

He sighs and turns to face me. "No, besides I think it's a little too late to change things now."

"Then what is it? I'm all ears."

"It's you, Bonnie Bennett. You're driving me crazy." I see an intensity in his eyes that I've only seen a few times. Usually, it's directed at someone else. I'm a bit unnerved by how easy it is to get swept up in the enigma that is Damon Salvatore.

I shake my head and frown. "I haven't done anything!"

"But you are! You sit there and you're so nice to me, even though I completely fucked up your life and you so smart and… you're never boring… and you're such a good person. And I'm not. How am I supposed to live up to a… a daughter?"

I'm a bit taken aback. "What?"

"… I don't want to be like my dad. He wasn't always an ass… after my mom died, he changed and I decided I wasn't going to be like dear old dad. I wasn't going to strong arm you into doing something you didn't want."

"Damon…" the wind blows my hair in my face. He sweeps it behind my ears. I scoot closer to him, his hand on my cheek. "You have really long eyelashes."

"And you have pretty eyes." He shifts his body so he's in front of me.

I look down. "Yours are prettier."

"Yeah… I know." He tilts my head upward, smug grin on his face.

Slowly, cautiously, he leans forward. I move backward until I am lying on my back, staring up at him. "Hi."

He moves closer to me and I remember that night in the expensive beach house. He stops. I blink and the next thing I know his lips are on my forehead.

"Damon…" I breathe. "What are you doing?"

He recoils like I've thrown ice water in his face. I almost regret saying anything at all. "Sorry. I've got to go. See you tomorrow, Bonnie."

Before I have a chance to respond, he gets on his feet and walks away.