AN: Grab another tissue box. Another heart-wrenching chapter. I said I'd post Friday, but I really don't want to post on Friday the 13th. I am superstitious like that.
...
Historia
A few more weeks go by, and Tilly finally said her first words.
"Big sister."
Well, from what Mikasa told me anyway. I still have yet to hear her speak, considering she's still too afraid to talk around me, and I've never felt so hopeless.
Lucky for the captain, her drawings are nothing more than child-like depictions of Mikasa (nothing from the underground yet). In one drawing she drew Mikasa with a pair of angel wings, one wing blue and one wing white, just like the Wings of Freedom.
Am I jealous? Well, just a little… But I know it's what's best for Tilly.
She needs Mikasa right now, and I'm half tempted to ask my old comrade-in-arms to give up the Scouts and take up a job as a nanny at the orphanage.
But of course, Mikasa would rather be slaying titans and enemies alike. It's in her blood. Kenny Ackerman had been the same way too, and I still shiver when I think about that tall, petrifying man.
In fact, Levi reminds me an awful lot of him, from the way he moves to the way he's in tune with his surroundings.
Could he possibly be an Ackerman too? Kenny did raise him after all.
Armin and I currently read a book titled "Animals of the Serengeti" (Mikasa is upstairs playing with Tilly in the nursery), and my fellow blue-eyed blond was just teaching me about the "watering hole".
The captain enters the kitchen, and my heart gives an involuntary leap when I set sights on him.
Levi's just had a shower as he towel dries his hair. The black strands drip wet at the ends, pouring down into his face, and my legs turn to jelly as I try to control my breathing.
His damp shirt displays the hardness of his muscles, and it doesn't help that his sword looks erect inside its scabbard.
I feel Armin's blue eyes on me next as I gawp at the captain like a gullible idiot, and now I try to think of something else.
Right, the watering hole!
"So… where were we?"
I look back to the page Armin was showing me, and I stare in awe of that beautiful illustration. Whoever drew this was a true artist; I almost feel like I'm drinking from that same watering hole myself with those beautiful, exotic animals. There's a large creature with a long spout for nose, which Armin said was an "Elephant", and another with the longest neck I have ever seen. That one is a giraffe, and it appears to walk on stilts. Then there's a horned animal called a rhinoceros, and a large, cow-like beast by the name of Hippopotamus. There are also pretty pink birds called flamingos, and smaller, deer-like creatures called gazelle and impala.
Armin continues. "Winter is the dry season in the savannah. It can experience as little as four inches of rain for the whole period. Drought often follows, and as a result, many animals die of thirst or starvation."
My heart breaks when I peer at that adorable illustration of a gazelle. It has a black stripe across its flank. "The poor things…"
I'm aware of the captain's presence in the corner of the room as he pours black tea from the sideboard, and I can tell he's absorbed.
Who wouldn't be? Armin has a way with words, and whenever he speaks of the outside world with his eyes all aglow like that of a dreaming child… well, it inspires you.
I can feel the goose pimples scattering across my arms already.
"Oh, don't be upset, Historia. I promise this story has a happy ending!"
I giggle. "Story? I thought we were learning today, Armin?"
"Well, I guess." He scratches the back of his head. "But that doesn't mean learning still can't be fun!"
The captain produces a small chuckle, and I look around at him. He stares out of the window, sipping his tea, but I can tell he senses my gaze.
I narrow my eyes. Oh, so you can laugh…
Shut up and listen to the damn kid speak, idiot.
My eyes widen. Did he just say that out loud? I swear I heard his deep voice just now.
"Anyway, this is what Onyankopon told me… "The watering hole is a central resource for all animals of the savannah, especially during times of extreme drought. All at once, the animals come together and share from this same pool". Basically, predator and prey will unite and sip from this same, life-giving water. It's a perfect system. They don't fight, they don't squabble. Everyone gets their share! Look."
Oh, here come the goose bumps…
Armin points at a picture of a large, catlike creature with big hair. It's called a lion, and it drinks water a few feet away from a strange, striped horse. A zebra.
"See? Lions and zebra are natural enemies, but for just one moment in time, they will drink at the same pool. It's amazing!"
His eyes glow like the ocean on a warm summer's day again, and I can't help but be inspired. It's people like Armin who encourage me to make a difference after all. His viewpoint on the world is just so pure and untainted; it gives you hope.
I'm so glad he got to see the sea in the end. Although I miss Commander Erwin's leadership, but to be able to see the look on Armin's face right now… well, it almost seems worth the sacrifice…
Slow footsteps approach us next, and now I have goose bumps for a very different reason now.
The captain stops behind me, and I can smell the strong scent of his soap as he gazes down at that book. His breath feels hot on my neck, and I tense up once again. My heart won't stop fluttering.
"The watering hole, huh?" he says. "A shame the walls can't be this structured. When Wall Maria fell, everyone was scuffling for scraps. It was pitiful."
Armin gives a reflective sigh. I know that he, Mikasa, and Eren were direct victims of that tragic event in our walled history, and he also lost his Grandpa too in the process. So I can see that this comes from a deeper, more personal level for him. "Exactly, Captain. And it just boggles the mind. These are animals. Simple beasts with basic needs… Yet… we're no different in the end. We're just animals but with larger brains."
"Well, we do shit all the same…" Levi remarks, sipping his tea.
I offer him a pointed look. Must you with the shit remarks?
That's no way for a queen to talk…
I turn away from him, bright red. I definitely heard his voice then. It was echoed back to me like an afterthought.
"And it's not just inside the walls," Armin goes on, and it's like the captain and I are no longer in the room now. "This goes for the whole world. I know we're getting along with the volunteers and the Marleyan prisoners that we have in our custody right now, and the Azumabito have been a big help too. But if we can just show the world that we are like this lion." He points at that big-haired cat. "That we just want to drink from the same watering source so that we can survive too, then maybe… we may just have a chance…"
The captain and I watch him speechless. How do we even respond? It's all just so much to take in, but he's right. We can be like that lion.
One thing I do know for certain: it beats becoming the Beast Titan any day, and my heart sinks when I think about the dark times ahead.
Some days, it's hard to even get out of bed…
"I have news."
We all start as Mikasa enters the room, fixing her solemn gaze solely on me. "Tilly just said another word."
My heart jumps to my throat, and now my spirit soars like the Wings of Freedom. Thank goodness for the miracle of children. They make the dark days brighter.
"She… really did? Well, what did she say?!"
Mikasa scowls, and now her dark eyes fall on the captain. "She said shit."
My chin hangs open. Armin gasps beside me.
The captain, however, remains speechless, his teacup frozen halfway to his lips.
Well, I hope he's happy…
I turn around slowly, and for the first time since I've known him, the captain looks… nervous.
"See, Captain? This is what happens when you don't censor yourself. The children are copying you now!"
He blinks, completely at a loss for words, and now he takes a small sip of his tea. But I know he's hiding a smile.
"I'll try to control myself…"
I roll my eyes, throwing my arms up in defeat, and now I grab a bell from the sideboard. "It's time I called the children back inside. It's almost lunch!"
My voice has an angry edge to it, and I sound like that same girl who defied her father in his underground chapel once again.
Yeah, the one who said "Screw Humanity!"
No more little nice Historia.
…
I sit cross-legged on the floor of the nursery as I read Tilly a story. She still keeps her distance from me as she clutches that same ragdoll.
Although she will happily hug Mikasa, who's quite frankly the scariest girl that I have ever met, yet she stays far from me…
I have the voice of a baby for crying out loud. I'm far from dangerous!
I guess I really am bitter, but I'm still just so angry at the captain. Children should not be saying words like that.
And I know he laughed behind his teacup... I saw him with my eyes!
What will the nannies all think of me now when the kids start cursing like an ex-underground thug? They'll think I'm incapable of running an orphanage.
I turn another page of the book and read a new sentence. "And then the pony said to the horse: I cannot ride today because I have a wrinkly, ninkly, dinkly, binkly, tinkly, winkly, zinkly… old knee…"
I raise a brow. What was the writer thinking when they wrote this?
"Wow… what a load of dinkly..."
I exhale sharply, closing my eyes when the captain enters the nursery, and now he leans against the far wall opposite from me.
Tilly tenses up in his presence, holding on to that ragdoll like it's her lifeline, but the captain only has eyes for me.
He's waiting for my reply.
Oh, I have a good reply indeed...
"What? You surprised there are more words in the world than…" I peer around at Tilly, meeting the captain's luminous grey, blue eyes once again. "S. H. I. T?"
That furrow returns between Levi's brows, but it can't intimidate me anymore. I have every right to be upset.
He looks so out of place in this bright, cheerful room. He stands amongst toys and a vast array of stuffed animals. And on the wall behind him are paintings of tiny handprints and colourful splodges.
"Don't use that smart mouth with me, Historia. It doesn't suit you."
I narrow my eyes. "So what does suit me?"
He arches a brow. "Being kind, gracious? Take your pick. There's enough ugliness to go around in this cruel world."
I seal my lips, peering down at the book again, and I give an inward groan when I see more of those silly adverbs.
This again?
"Would it make you feel better if I apologised?" the captain says suddenly.
I flip another page. "I suppose… But it's not like you can undo what has already been done. Tilly has already learnt the word."
He sighs, peeling his back away from the wall, yet he still keeps his distance and I respect that. He wants to give Tilly her space since she's still wary of him. "Your Majesty, I am sorry for making the baby swear like an underground thug. There, happy?"
I glare up at him, trying to look as hard and frosty as he does, but I don't quite manage it.
"Fine. I accept your apology, Captain."
Silence drifts through the room once again as I gaze down blankly at the pages of that book. Somehow, I've lost the desire to read. I don't think Tilly was really listening anyway.
The captain releases another heavy breath, and now he inclines against the wall again, folding his arms. "So… how about that watering hole? Arlert has quite the way with words, doesn't he?"
I gawp at him speechless. Is he actually making small talk? It's so not like him.
I shuffle towards the wall and lean my head back, bringing my knees to my chin. "He's certainly better than the author who wrote this book."
Levi chuckles. "No sh—… poo…"
He peers over at Tilly and I roll my eyes, turning my face away from him. A smile forms over my lips.
At least he has censored himself for once.
I think back to Armin's account of the watering hole. He's right; it really is amazing how those beautiful animals can all drink from the same pool.
Maybe one day all the humans of the world can eat at the same table, but I know that's a pie in the sky kind of dream.
We'd only just go back to killing each other once we'd eaten.
Still, at least Armin is around now so that he can keep telling us all these amazing things he's learnt. He's a true ray of hope in the darkest of times, and he doesn't hear it often enough.
I glance at the blue sky outside the window, having only one thought on my mind now. The day of our defeat in Shiganshina, back when all I could do was watch the southern skies, waiting for my fellow Scouts to return home.
Except I'm no longer a Scout…
I'm a queen, and my duty is to my people.
"Captain…" I utter dreamily, keeping my eyes on the blue sky.
"Hm?"
I suck in a deep breath, peering around at him. His eyes are riveted on me, and you wouldn't even think that Tilly was in the room anymore. She's gone back to playing with her ragdoll, and it's like the child has also forgotten that we're in the room too.
If Mikasa were here, she'd come alive…
I shake the bitter thought away and meet those burning, grey eyes. "Why… why did you really give Armin that injection?"
Levi blinks, and I wonder if he even understood my question. It was simple enough.
Finally, he opens his mouth, keeping that piercing gaze on me. "Like I said in the report… I chose Shiganshina as Erwin's final resting place."
I twiddle my thumbs. "I… I know that's what you officially say to people, but was there any other reason? Other than sparing your old friend from further suffering?"
He tapers his eyes. "What are you trying to get at?"
I look up at him and grin, batting my eyelashes, and I know I'm taking liberties. "Would the other reason have anything to do with a certain blond, blue-eyed boy's childhood dream of seeing the ocean, perhaps?"
The captain clenches his jaw as my singsong voice rings throughout the room, and it seems I hit a nerve. He doesn't like it when people accuse him of being soft after all.
"It's okay," I go on. "You don't have to tell me if it makes you uncomfortable, but I know that's the other reason why you decided to save Armin, Captain. Even though you don't like to show it, you care about people. So… if it's not improper for me to say so… thank you for… for saving him, and letting him see the ocean..."
Levi watches me pointedly now, and it appears that I've stirred something deep inside him. He still won't stop looking at me.
I look into his mesmerising eyes, and he has that look on his face that all the guys (and one girl) used to give me back at the Cadet Corps. I don't know why, but I've never been anything special.
I'm just a normal girl.
"Do… do you miss him?" I suddenly ask.
The captain blinks once again and shuts his eyes, reaching a hand up to his forehead. "W-who?"
"Erwin. Sorry, I don't mean to pry, but… it's all right… You can tell me how you really feel. I won't tell anyone..."
My voice is sweet and singsong once again as I flutter my lashes. I don't know why, I must look pretty stupid, but the captain seems to be amused.
He removes his hand from his forehead and offers me a slight smile, and there are those small dimples. "That's enough questions for today, Your Majesty."
The captain edges out the room, but I speak out of term again before I can stop myself. "I miss her too. Ymir…"
He freezes at the threshold, keeping his back to me. I dip my head, trying to hold back a tear. "Sometimes… when I sleep at night… I… I forget that she's truly gone. But when I wake again, and the reality comes crashing back… it… hurts to breathe…"
Levi turns, giving me the profile of his face, and I see the anguish in his eye.
I squeeze my eyes. "Do… do you think that people truly leave us? I know it may be silly, but sometimes I like to think that that cat really is Erwin, or that a bird in the sky is Ymir. It just has to be… No one can completely disappear. Everything that person once was just gone like that? I… can't accept that…"
It seems I've sucked all the joy out of the room, but I can't stop myself. It's like I've opened a wound, and the bleeding just won't stop. If I'm not careful, the pain will completely consume me until I slowly bleed to death.
Levi blows a sigh. "Historia…"
"S-sorry… I just…"
A small set of footsteps comes up beside me next and I look up. My heart pounds when I meet those shiny, onyx eyes. "T-Tilly?"
The little girl watches me completely enthralled, and now she looks as spellbound as the captain did just a moment ago. Her eyes flicker over my face, glancing at the tears that drip down my cheeks, and her lower lip wiggles.
Suddenly, she throws her arms around me, and all the breath leaves my lungs.
I meet the captain's equally shocked gaze. I did it. I got Tilly to trust me…
"No… no cry… big sister…"
A sob bursts from my lips when I finally hear her sweet voice, and now I wrap my arms around her, clutching her tight. "Oh, Tilly…"
I cry into her curly, dark hair, absorbing her flowery scent, and just like that my pain goes away.
Thank goodness for the miracle of children indeed.
I hear a choking sound by the door, and I peer up surprised.
The captain, he's gone… But I know that sound came from him, and I hold Tilly even closer.
"Thank you, Tilly. You helped the captain find his heart."
AN: I absolutely adore Armin (he was my ex's least favourite character, which is why he is one of mine) so a shoutout to his brilliant character. I have this headcanon where I picture Onyankopon telling him about the great continent of Africa, or a continent similar to it. The earth in AoT is very similar to our own, so they will have the same biomes. Grisha says the earth is covered in 70% of water to Eren in his note, so yep, very much our own earth (except people turn into titans, and amazing men like Levi exist).
I just can't help but picture Simba and Nala with Historia and Armin here. Historia: "The watering hole? What's so great about the watering hole?"
Armin whispering from the corner of his mouth: "I'll tell you when we get there..."
I really hope they do get there one day. Onyankopan could take them all to Africa to see the magical sunrise (that's if all those animals still exist after Eren tramples them all).
I'm not stating that I think Armin should have gotten that injection nor is Historia. I don't think it matters now, Levi already made his choice. Choose the path with the least regrets, hey... But I can take comfort in the fact Armin got to see the big ocean blue.
Does Levi cry? Who knows. If you've seen No Regrets, then you will have seen that he does, in fact, cry... Very much so. It's heart-breaking. Would he cry about Tilly? Maybe. Nobody is that heartless, but this is just my own exploration of his character.
CartoonPrincessSigningOff.
