Chapter Seventeen
Danny came out of his garage carrying one of the boxes of baby furniture that had been delivered to Steve's house.
Steve helped him as he slid it into the back of his truck.
"So after the baby is born, what then?" Danny asked.
"What do you mean?"
"You and Amber? What then?"
Steve shrugged, "We raise the baby."
Danny busted out laughing over the statement that sounded just a bit too naïve' for him. "You raise…" he tried to repeat his words and then busted out laughing again.
"What?! What is so funny about that?" Steve asked annoyed over his laughing.
"You man." He chuckled, leaning against the tailgate of the truck, "So you and Amber are just going to raise the baby and play Mommy and Daddy and pretend that nothing else exists?"
"What do you mean? You're not making any sense."
"No, you aren't. I'm talking about you and Amber."
Steve rolled his eyes and started walking back toward the garage for the next box. "I told you there is no me and Amber. We're just friends."
Danny stood his ground by the truck, "I was wrong then when I thought you were coming home because you were ready to move on with your life. You're still in denial and you're still fighting it."
Steve picked up a smaller of the two boxes left and carried it back out to the truck. "It was one night Danny. We were drunk and it just happened."
"So why did you keep the baby then?"
Steve looked at him irritably, "Because! What kind of question is that?"
"If she means nothing to you and that night meant nothing to you then why would this baby mean anything to you?" he felt the choice of words rather harsh but if he wanted to get his point across he had to be blunt.
"I didn't say that Amber meant nothing to me!" he blasted him, feeling the need to defend their relationship and that night against Danny's disrespectful remarks. "And as far as that night goes, I didn't just fall on top of her and then roll off. Jesus Danny. What are you thinking?"
"Oh!" Danny said, nodding as if he was getting the picture now, "So there are feelings there between you and Amber? It wasn't just a drunken thing?"
"Of course there are feelings. We were both in a bad place and we both needed something to pull us out and then it happened…and it was good, you know…she helped me…and I helped her," he quickly pointed out. "But we're here now and we respect each other and we can do this. She's amazing and strong and resilient. She's easy going and sees me for who I am, and I can see her the same way. We work well together."
Danny crossed his arms and smiled at him, feeling he had accomplished what he set out to do, get the real, deep down truth from him. "But yet you don't have feelings for her in any other way besides just a friend?" he let out a small grunt. "I have to call bullshit, because you just described the perfect woman for you."
Steve slid the box in, ignoring that last piece of forthright information.
"Just hear me out," Danny explained, using his fingers to count off his points. "First off you agree to take her on as a partner during the PCT which you originally insisted on doing alone, second, you almost lose her in an avalanche which you can't tell me didn't scare the shit out of you, because I still heard it in your voice three days after the incident when you called me. Third, you carelessly sleep with her," he continued, using his fingers as quotations, "claiming you were "drunk", which again I'm calling bullshit because I've seen you drunk and you always have your wits about you. And then she turns up pregnant, and you invite her home to live in your house for however long and to raise the baby together, yet you have no feelings for her outside of friendship?" he couldn't help but chuckle over that. "Let me ask you one question and then I'll leave it be, and tell me the truth," he pointed at him. "Are you relieved now that you don't have to face the end of the hike and part ways with her?"
It was the one question he'd been avoiding and even preventing himself from thinking about because he hated it, and he hated that Danny had nailed it. It wasn't so much that Danny had pointed it out than it was the things that he himself had done that Danny didn't know about. Like why did he shave off his beard that night he slept with her? It wasn't because it was bugging him or that he felt he looked too grubby to go out in public, it was because he wanted to look presentable to Amber. Was it an attempt to seduce her, he wondered? And the one question that was above all the others, which he could never really answer.
Why did he keep her dress? If the night supposedly meant nothing, then why keep it?
There were other questions that were undeniable as well. Why did he feel the need to want her again and again after that night?
He leaned back against the tailgate and put his hands over his face, the impact of his true feelings coming to light even as he tried to fight it off.
"I can't, Danny," he said rattled over this new revelation. "I can't feel things like that for her, I just can't."
"Well to be quite honest Steve, I don't think you can help it. It's there, you better face it."
He let his hands slide down his face as he looked as his best friend, knowing it was impossible to hide the truth from him. "Don't make me go there, Danny, please."
"You have to move on Steve. If this is a chance for you then you need to take it."
"It's not that easy Danny."
"Yes it is!"
"Maybe from your side," he argued, "but not from ours. There are interferences from both of our pasts that make it impossible to…" he held his hands out trying to find a word.
"To what?" Danny defended his argument, "feel safe, normal, healthy, god forbid love. Listen to yourself, Steve. What are you going to do when this baby comes, are you going to love it?"
"Of course I am!"
"Then why can't you let yourself love the mother too?"
He slammed the tailgate of the truck closed, "I don't feel about her that way," he growled.
"Yes you do," Danny pestered. "She's perfect for you. That's why you slept with her and why you brought her home with you. This interference you talk about, they're ghosts."
"Shut up!" Steve shouted, "You don't know what you're saying! You think it's so easy to just move on and live happily ever after. What about you?! I don't see you re-married with another family?"
"I date. Just because I'm not re-married doesn't mean I don't want it. At least I'm giving it a shot and not pretending I'm happy, like you."
"You know what the difference is Danny between you and me?" he leaned in to him. "Rachel and Gracie didn't die. You play around with that scenario when the two of you were in love and then you talk to me about moving on. Until then, you don't know what the hell you're talking about."
He walked past him to the driver's side of the truck, ignoring the other box that was left in the garage, wanting out of this conversation.
Danny grabbed his arm, "Hey, I'm sorry, ok. If you don't love her, you don't love her." he felt maybe he had pushed too hard, letting it go, for now. "Are you coming back to work tomorrow?"
Steve paused as Danny let go of his arm. "Yes, I'll be in tomorrow morning." He went to open the door of the truck and stopped with his hand on it, "Maybe in another life we might have felt differently. I know she's on the same page as me. We've never even talked about that night we spent together, not really. We woke up the next morning and never said a word about it, not even after we found out she was pregnant." He looked over at him, "She doesn't want it either."
"Ok," Danny said. "I get it now." But he didn't, knowing that he was straight out lying, maybe not intentionally to him but he was definitely lying to himself. He didn't know Amber enough to judge her, but had a pretty good idea that she was too.
….
Steve unloaded the boxes into the garage. Shipping them back to the mainland where they came from would end up costing almost as much as what Catherine had paid for them, so he was stuck with them. Not sure if it was the style that Amber would want for their baby, or how she would even feel about using those in particular, neither did he.
He came in the front door and glanced around the empty room not seeing her. He came into the kitchen and saw her thru the open french doors out back. He recognized the shorts and tank top she had on as an outfit from the hike, making a mental note to take her shopping. The only clothes she had were from the PCT and if it was one thing she needed above all else in her wardrobe, it was a bathing suit.
She stood in the water up to her knees, looking out at the horizon.
He watched as she bent over and touched the water with her fingertips, knowing she wouldn't venture out any further after confessing to him that she was afraid of the water. When she was a child she had almost drowned and as an adult, Kevin had tried to break her of the fear by taking her out on the boat one night, claiming they were just going for a romantic cruise on the lake, but once out in the middle he had thrown her overboard and driven off, leaving her floating with a lifejacket for only a few minutes, but it seemed liked hours until he finally came back for her, stating it was tough love, but to her it only increased her fear.
It made him mindful of the everyday horrible life she must have led at the hands of that prick. He had tortured her inside and out, and in the end tried to kill her with pain and grief, but she was stronger than he was, crawling out the terrible abyss that her ex had thrown her into.
She deserved to be happy, he thought, wanting that for her more than anything else.
He came out to the backyard and she turned around, hearing her name as he greeted her.
"Hi," she smiled. "I'm just cooling off a bit. It's so beautiful but it's also so hot today. The water is so calm."
"You'll get used to the weather," Steve replied standing on the beach. "It stays pretty sandy for a ways," he said, suggesting she go out further.
"Hmm," was all she said, glancing back out to the turquoise blue ocean, wanting to venture out just for the sheer pleasure of the cool water, but the unknown kept her at bay.
He knew she wanted more, slipping his shoes off.
He came and stood next to her. "How about if we just go a little ways at a time? I'll stay with you."
She looked up at him and then out to the vast ocean in front of her.
"You promise to stay with me? And if I want to stop we can stop?"
"Of course, and," he smiled, "of course."
She looked back up at him again and smiled shyly, "Ok then. Do you want to go put your suit on?"
"Nope," Steve replied, pulling his shirt over his head and tossing it up on the beach with his shoes. "No need."
She hadn't seen him shirtless since the night in the hotel room. He'd kept that impressive body hidden underneath layers of warm clothes on the hike and now t-shirts. She was well aware of the strength that it held, having been saved from it once under a layer of snow as he pulled her out, and then again as he made love to her, using just his arm at one point to lift her up closer so he could kiss her, recalling the wonderful feel of it that intensified the moment. It was one of his best moves from that night, among several others.
He held his hand out to her, offering her the extra support. "Three steps?" he asked.
She looked at his open hand and then at the bearded man whose smile was partially hidden, but she knew it well, taking his hand without any hesitation, trusting him.
They took three steps but only gained a few inches of water depth.
"That seemed kind of pointless," Amber said. "How about three more?"
They moved on as the water reached the top of her thighs and touched the bottom of their shorts.
"That seemed like a good number," Steve said. "How about six steps this time?"
"Ok," she agreed. "Six more?"
"Sure," he agreed, pleased that she seemed eager.
They took the next six, which brought the water level up to her waist.
He felt her squeeze his hand.
"Do you want to stop here?" he asked, sensing her fear and not wanting to push her in the least.
"Um," she nervously hesitated, looking behind her at the beach that was only a few feet away, which was almost as comforting as his hand that she held. "No, lets do six more."
"Ok," he replied, feeling triumphant that he was actually helping her. He kept a close eye on her, not wanting this experience to be a negative one. She lived on Hawaii now and he felt it important that she not fear the water. It was a huge part of his life and he wanted she and especially the baby to enjoy it as much as he did.
They went the next steps as the water level reached her chest.
"Ok, that's enough," Amber halted, squeezing tightly to his hand.
"Ok, this is good," he quickly agreed, hearing the fear in her voice. "You did well. Do you want to go back now?"
The water felt good, that she couldn't deny and she felt calmed with him there. "No, I'm ok. It feels good."
"It does feel good," Steve agreed. "I swim out here a lot. Sometimes at night."
"Oh my god!" Amber laughed, "Are you out of your mind? At night?"
"Sure. Believe it or not, it's very peaceful. I just float and look up at the sky. It's awesome."
She looked down at the crystal clear water that wasn't as dark and scary as she had thought it would be.
"Can we try it now?" she asked. "Floating? I've never done it before."
He was surprised that she was willing. "Sure, if you want to."
She held tightly on to his hand, "All right."
"The key is to keep air in your lungs at all times, that's what makes you float. So when you breathe out, just do a little at a time. It's like a meditation thing so you have to be calm."
She nodded her understanding, demonstrating for him by taking in a deep breath and letting it out slowly and then breathing in again right away, "Like that?"
"Perfect" he smiled. "Take in a deep breath and just lay back in the water. You're first natural reaction will be to look down your body, don't do that, look up at the sky and keep your chin up. I'll hold you at first until you get your balance." He let go of her hand and placed one behind her neck and the other on the lower part of her back.
"Ok." She took in a deep breath as instructed and laid back in the water, raising her feet and keeping her chin up. She glanced over at him with just her eyes as he smiled at her effort.
"Good," he said, holding her steady. "You feel ok?"
Her ears where under the water but she could hear his muffled voice, "Yes," she replied, spreading her arms out and staring up at the blue sky, focusing on a white cloud that floated by, feeling confident. "Let go," she said.
"Ok, here I go." He slowly took his hands away and the second he removed the one from her neck, her head went under and she panicked, letting out the air as she quickly sank.
Steve grabbed her around the chest and hoisted her out of the water as she wrapped her arms around his neck.
"It's ok, I got you," he said as calmly as he could, moving them both to shallower water.
She slowly let go from around his neck when she felt her feet touch the sandy bottom. "I'm sorry," she quickly apologized, resting her hands on his shoulders.
"For what?" he said, still holding her around the waist. "It was my fault, I shouldn't have let go all the way."
"No, it was me. I told you too. I shouldn't have panicked. You said I had to stay calm."
"Let's go back up," he said.
"No, I want to try again."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes." She was even more nervous now but didn't want to look like a coward in his eyes. "I'll do it right this time."
He got the strangest feeling that she wasn't doing it for herself but for him, wondering if that's how it was in her life with her ex as well. Pleasing him was more important than her own needs.
"Amber," he said, watching as her head darted back forth looking down at the water as if something might come up and bite her. "Amber," he said again, more calmly until she finally looked at him.
"Yes?" she was face to face with him with her hands still on his shoulders and his arm around her waist, the sandy bottom under their toes.
"I don't care if you can't float. A lot of people can't float. I want you to feel comfortable in the water, that's more important. But it's up to you not me to find where that comfort level lies, and if you never feel it, then so be it. It's not your fault."
"I really want to feel comfortable. It feels nice in this water. I just feel so foolish for being scared."
"Don't feel that way. Everyone has their fears and it's no ones place to tell them their wrong."
She smiled over that, loving that he always just let her be who she was.
"What are you afraid of?" she asked. "Probably nothing." She looked upon him in the same way that she felt about him, with admiration and in awe of his ability to make her feel good about herself.
He was afraid of all sorts of things, but right then at that moment the feel of her up against him and the way she looked with her hair slicked back and the drips of water on her eyelashes he wanted to say, 'her'. He was deathly afraid of how he felt with her in his arms again. She made him feel like a man, which was scary as hell when it was Amber Scott that was the focus of it, knowing what she was capable of doing to him with that body.
"A lot of things," was his response.
She loved that he could be honest with her and admit that when most men wouldn't. It just made him that much more trustworthy.
"Lets try it again," Amber said. "I'm feeling more relaxed now."
"No," he let go and moved back away from her, feeling a side of him that could become vulnerable being so close to her like that. "There's a pool not far from here. You could go there and practice. It might be easier and less stressful than trying it in the ocean."
"I won't freak out again," she quickly defended. "I promise."
"Maybe we can try again later."
"Please Steve," she pleaded; wanting to prove to him that she could do it. "Just let me try it one more time."
He couldn't turn her down, she wanted it too badly and it was he after all that had suggested it in the first place.
They stood in shallower water now as she stretched her arms out and leaned back, taking in a deep breath and looking up at him with a smile, doing all the things he had instructed her too. He laid his hand behind her head and the other under her lower back as before, holding her as she tilted her head back with her chin up.
Her feet slowly raised out of the water as they both held steady.
She closed her eyes and breathed slowly out, taking in another deep one, repeating it over and over.
He looked down at her face as he held the back of her head, watching her; her eyes were closed so he had the freedom to do so, which was not a wise decision on his part. Her long auburn hair floated in the water around her head and it catapulted him back to that night when he looked down at her, seeing that very similar image just before he kissed her.
He stared at her lips now, knowing the sweet taste of them when he had kissed them once before. The temptation to touch them again was overwhelming as she lied there innocently enough with her clothes clinging tightly to her wet body. Her nipples that he'd once caressed with both his hands and mouth were erect and tempting him even further.
He was looking at Amber, but it wasn't the woman whom he had brought home to Hawaii to live with him in separate rooms, she was the Amber from that night who clung to him and called out his name in the sweetest and sexiest way as he made love to her. It was surreal that they were in fact the same person.
He heard Danny's argument in his head telling him that she was the perfect woman for him.
Amber opened her eyes and looked up at him, "Ok, let me go," she said to him, feeling confident that she had the ability of floating on her own.
Whereas he didn't want the physical contact with her before, now he didn't want to let go of it. He had a life long bond with her that was growing steadily inside of her womb, if he felt this way about her now then wouldn't that bond and admiration grow even more over time?
He heard Danny's argument again; "If this is a chance for you then you need to take it."
"Steve?" Amber said more firmly, trying to get his attention as she lay there holding steady her position as his eyes slowly moved up her body to her face. She felt weightless in the water but it was more so from the impacting stare coming from him as he looked at her.
She didn't have to read his mind to see the signs of what he was thinking, it was written all over his face. No one had ever looked at her like that before…except for him, four months ago in a hotel room in Chester, California.
'Why now,' she thought. 'After all this time of being together, why did he look at her like that now?'
She could only think of one reason, and it was too close to home for her now.
'Catherine.'
She rolled away from him in the water and stood up in the waist high surf.
"I'll try again later," she said, backing away from him toward the beach as he continued to stare at her, only his expression confused now over her quick getaway.
"Amber," he began when she cut him off.
"I'm going to go change," she blurted out, fighting her way through the water to the beach and then ran up the yard toward the house.
Steve turned away and faced the ocean, suspicious of his own feelings, wondering where that came from all of a sudden, but before he had a chance to decipher it, he closed his eyes, seeing her running away from him up the beach. Had he pushed her too hard in the water, or had she read his mind, hoping it wasn't the latter of the two.
"What are you doing," he groaned, cupping his hands in the water as he bent over, splashing it up in his face as if needing to wake himself out of the reckless trance he had been in.
Amber came up on the deck and turned, seeing him dive into the water and swim out. "Damn him," she whispered. "Why now? Everything was perfect."
She ran her hands over her wet hair, ringing out the ends. "I know why, it's her. She's everywhere," she sighed. She looked into the house and pictured Catherine walking around, suddenly feeling like an intruder in his life. 'I don't belong here. It's only making it harder on him, and on me. We don't need that right now.' She felt her heart sink, wondering why she had let him talk her into coming.
"Because you're pregnant," she said out loud, sitting down in the patio chair as she dried off in the heat, looking into the house that had taken on a new feeling.
She wasn't angry as much as she was saddened, both in Steve and herself. She recalled a time not long after they had slept together when she had almost kissed him and he'd rejected her, but it wasn't because of her, it was because of 'her', she thought, seeing her ghostly image once again in the house.
'I can't compete with that,' she thought. 'And he can't promise you that he won't walk out that door and never come back. People die in the blink of an eye. You can't go through that again,' she thought sadly, thinking of Adam and Ava. 'He's just confused right now and maybe lonely since being home. He really doesn't feel that way about you. He's just lonely.'
She turned in the chair looking out at the water as he made his way back to the beach. 'And you don't feel that way about him either,' she convinced herself until he came out of the water and scooped up his shirt and shoes off the beach, making his way to her. The water dripped from his wet hair and chest as she stared at the sculptured body that walked with confidence and charisma, knowing what was below the shorts that hung low on his waist and also knowing what he was capable of doing with it.
She turned away from him and faced the house, 'Stop! Don't do that to yourself. Steve's your friend nothing more.' her heart sank as she pledged the next words. 'Don't let him become anything more.'
He came up the yard and stopped just before the lanai. She'd barely been there for twenty-four hours and it was already different. He was different.
"Amber," he said to her, continuing the game that they were both excellent players at, ignoring the truth, "I feel like I pushed you to go further than what you were comfortable with. I'm sorry."
She turned and looked up at him, hearing the sincerity in his voice but not getting the eye contact that she normally would when they spoke. She heard his apology but wondered what he was really apologizing for?
She danced around the subject, the same as he. "You didn't push me, I'm just not ready for it. I got scared."
"It won't happen again," he said of both the water and the kiss he wanted from her.
Again, she wanted to ask him, which he would be denying her, the water, or the beautiful way that he had looked at her? But she said nothing.
…..
Officer Chris Hairfield sat at his desk with a menacing grin, his dark eyes narrowed as he stared at the document that was displayed on his computer screen.
'You may not have pulled the trigger,' he thought bitterly, 'but you drove him to it. He never would have done it unless he was under extreme duress. I don't know what you did to his head, but I'm going to get justice for Kevin, Adam and Ava, anyway I can.'
"Hey," John Heroshi, his new partner of three weeks said to him, "We got a call, burglary over at Sampson's diner last night."
Chris looked up from his computer, "Yea, ok. Just one sec, I need to submit this arrest warrant first."
"For what case?" John asked, they had two they were working on, but neither needed a warrant issued just yet.
"It's an old murder case from last year from when I was in uniform. It was closed but I've been working it on the side and some new evidence has just come to light. I want to re-open the case."
John nodded with approval, "Nice. Anything I can do to help?"
Chris barely gave him a side-glance over that, he was his new partner after he'd been promoted to Detective with the death of his old one, but the relationship was nothing like his partnership with Kevin Scott had been when he was in uniform, which had gone beyond the job to friends, a brotherhood. He couldn't picture John Heroshi and he ever getting to that point. They were partners at work and nothing more. Besides, he was Japanese, what could they possibly have in common he had thought after meeting him for the first time.
"No, thanks, I got it under control."
John got the hint; it was a clear dismissal of his help, but the fact was that whatever Chris was working on they both should have been working on, that's what partner's did. They didn't go rogue on a case, any case.
John glanced over at his Captain's office, contemplating a discussion about this new partnership, but shook it off. They were both new to this precinct but he wasn't new to the job, whereas Chris was a rookie detective and most newcomers on the job were arrogant at first, trying to prove themselves, but this guy had a tendency to go beyond the norm. His first glimpse of the arrogant personality was when they were speaking of their wives and Chris made the unorthodox statement that 'his wife knew her place'. John thought that was a little extreme but more than anything else, disrespectful to his wife.
But he was the new guy and in some aspects so was Chris, so the partnership seemed reasonable. But the personalities couldn't have been further apart.
John looked down at the document on the computer screen and got a glimpse of the name before the file disappeared; a little surprised that it was a woman's name.
Amber Scott.
