Chapter 16
Thought Experiment
Second Thoughts
Sitting at her desk, Olivia slid a fresh piece of gum in her mouth. The small rectangular-shaped morsel gave way between her teeth, but it didn't quell her anxiety. The joint counseling session with Fitz and Dr. Chase was today. The urge to cancel grew stronger as the day wore on. She had made several attempts to cancel the appointment, dialing Dr. Chace twice and disconnecting each time after a couple of rings or as soon as his receptionist answered. Seeing Dr. Chase with Fitz in tow would be crossing a major line. Even though she loved him, granting access to this space seemed like a bad idea.
She loved him.
Olivia accepted that she had crossed that particular rubicon. She'd declared her love for Fitz and accepted his declaration to her. Even though she accepted this new reality, she did not understand how she'd gotten so entangled emotionally with him. He wasn't the first man who, despite her efforts to avoid romantic entanglements, tried to convince her to start a relationship. The business meetings, the coffees, and the dinners that were required to cultivate and maintain the types of business relationships she needed to survive and thrive as CEO exposed her to men who expressed romantic interest. Many had been persistent pursuers with the means to woo her. None had gotten through her defenses. No amount of money or physical attractiveness had convinced her to let her guard down. But things had been different with Fitz. She had let him into her life, closer than anyone.
But did she really love him or was she under some allusion? Was this an aberration? How could she trust something she didn't really understand? It was a quandary that produced more questions than answers. As of late she often wondered if she were a different Olivia, without the stain of her past, would she be normal. But Olivia liked her life. She enjoyed her work. She had self-determination and didn't have to answer to anyone or compromise anything. She usually felt liberated with rare reminders of the trauma she suffered as an adolescent. Today she felt quite the opposite.
When she had agreed to a joint counseling session a month ago, it had seemed theoretical, more like an idea to ponder. But Fitz had been persistent.
Days after she agreed he had said, "So...when is your next appointment with Dr. Chase? I should probably have Mrs. Hanley get it on my calendar."
She'd answered with a half-truth: "I haven't made one yet, but I'll let you know. Had she been interested in full disclosure she would have told him about her unspoken arrangement with Dr. Chase. She showed up when she needed him and lately she'd needed sessions more often. She didn't share that information because she didn't intend to follow through with the joint session.
Fitz was not one to be put off so he took a different tack a few days later. "What day and time does not work for you to see Dr. Chase with me? I'll call and make the appointment based on that," he said one night during dinner. Olivia had stared at him over her wine glass thinking, You are not going to drop this are you? Fitz stared back, apparently getting her unspoken message.
We are dealing with this tonight. His silent communique came through as he determinedly pushed his plate away and chased his last bite of food with what remained in his wine glass. The air between them had the familiar smell of an argument brewing.
"The session is...unnecessary so let's drop it, okay?" Olivia said, although she knew he would not.
"I knew you were bluffing, sweetheart. That would be too disorienting for you," Fitz said, evenly. He was frustrated but he didn't let it permeate his tone.
She wrinkled her brow. "These sessions are for me when I need to process. I know I invited you, but I've changed my mind. I'm entitled to do that you know."
He stood and began clearing their plates from the table. At that moment, Fitz was prepared to concede even though he wanted to keep fighting. She wasn't ready to share that part of her life with him. She just wasn't ready to be that vulnerable. He knew she was safe from Ronald Levine because Cyrus had taken care of him in a way he hoped wouldn't come back to haunt him later. She was safe so he decided to stop pushing her until she said, "Disorienting...what's that supposed to mean?"
While he swiped their scraps into the garbage disposal, he reversed course. He rinsed his hands and while drying them with the dish towel answered honestly. "What would you be if you finally dealt with what happened to you? It would be disorienting for you, I imagine. You wouldn't have an excuse to keep people at arm's length. You wouldn't be able to control everything," Fitz said.
Stung by his words, she rose from her chair and walked to the sink to face him. "How self-important of you to think that you can fix me. I am who I am despite what happened to me. No session with or without you will change that," Olivia said. She didn't like the way he was trying to psychoanalyze her especially since he wanted something from her she couldn't give. She walked away and left him in her kitchen. Any other time, Fitz would have gone after her, but he, too, turned in the opposite direction and left.
The next day Olivia called Dr. Chase and confirmed three possible dates and times. Their argument kept replaying in her mind yet unfinished. She then called Fitz with the dates as if they were planning a business meeting. Neither mentioned their squabble from the night before. Olivia felt better afterward, more in control.
Now, as Olivia sat at her desk ruminating on the events that precipitated today, she wanted to take it all back.
The knock on her office door was a surprise until she noted the time. The executive staff meeting—she always arrived 15 minutes before, setting the precedent for others to do the same—had commenced 5 minutes ago. She spat out her gum, grabbed her tablet, and opened the door to Abby who was smiling sheepishly.
"We're ready for you in the conference room," Abby said.
Olivia nodded. "Is everyone there?"
"Yes, of course," Abby said as they walked briskly down the corridor, "Catherine Schaeffer from The New Yorker called today. She wants to profile you in a January issue."
Olivia slowed her stride. "You told her I don't do interviews, right?"
"Well, no because you did the Vanity Fair—" Abby said.
Olivia stopped walking. "Abigail, you knew that was a targeted interview with one express purpose, to publicize SpaBliss, nothing else. It wasn't about me. It was about Euphoria. Call Ms. Schaeffer back. Thank her for the invitation but kindly decline," Olivia explained slowly, enunciating her words as if she was speaking to a small child.
Abby didn't immediately respond as she usually did. Instead she took a moment to collect herself so she wouldn't react to Olivia's patronizing tone, and especially the use of her full name. In the last six months, a wide gulf had formed between them. Abby took responsibility for her role, but she had the sense that something else was going on with Olivia, something personal.
Abby kept her expression blank. "Catherine Schaeffer asked me if you were dating Fitzgerald Grant, off the record, of course. She said she had reporting that you were. She plans to run that story unless you give her an exclusive," Abby explained.
Olivia resumed walking in angry strides. "I'll handle it," Olivia said.
Abby rushed to catch up with Olivia. "So it's true." Abby said in a stage whisper, as a statement not a question.
"Is there anything I need to know before this meeting?" Olivia asked, trying to quell her anger at Abby. It was misplaced she knew.
Abby touched Olivia's arm clad in a lavender, expertly tailored Escada blazer. "I'll do or say whatever you want me to about this, but if you are dating the governor of New York then you need to be prepared for scrutiny. The media will be clamoring to know who you are and by extension, Euphoria. I can help you. We are on the same side here."
Olivia stopped her stride again. She opened her mouth to respond, closed it, turned and entered the boardroom.
Despite her reservations about the joint session with Fitz and her exchange with Abby, the meeting went smoothly. Quarterly profits were up. Abiba had found an acceptable replacement for her during her maternity leave. The new web design kinks had been resolved. Aside from being late to the meeting, no one suspected she was filled with anxiety.
The Joint Session
Later as she walked along the sidewalk to Dr. Chase's office building all she could think about was Abby's statement: The media will be clamoring to know who you are. She didn't want that. She didn't want any of this. She had traded one anxiety for another one.
"All truly great thoughts are conceived while walking...well, according to Nietzsche, that is," said Fitz, dispensing one of his endless pieces of useless information. He'd been walking behind her for almost a minute now undetected. He knew she had to be in deep thought about something. He'd give a mint to know what she was thinking.
She flinched in surprise at the familiar voice behind her, stopping short to turn and face him.
"A penny for your thoughts, my dear. I've been behind you for a good while without you noticing. Don't get me wrong. The view is nice," Fitz said with a lazy grin, pulling her into his arms, "How's business?"
Olivia stepped out of his embrace. "Where is your security detail?" She looked around in search of big men in suits.
Fitz frowned slightly at her evasiveness, slipped his hand around hers and proceeded up the walk. "I didn't need one. This is not official state business. I drove myself."
Olivia continued looking around. "But you look official in your suit. You even have on your official pins. Anyone seeing you would know you are the governor. We are supposed to be discreet Fitz. Maybe we shouldn't go in together," Olivia said.
"I didn't have time to change my clothes. Honestly, I don't care who sees me," Fitz said matter of factly. "But what about you? Your suit is not exactly inconspicuous. What color is that anyway? Lavender? Purple? It's beautiful on you," he said.
"You should be concerned. Catherine Schaeffer from The New Yorker apparently has reporting that we are dating. She's trying to use that as leverage to do a profile on me. It's extortion really, but I'll handle it," Olivia said.
"Let me take care of it," Fitz said as they entered the office building, "I'll give her something else."
"Something else like what? I think she wants sensational, clickbait...not a real story," Olivia said, as they stood in front of the elevator. "Wait, we should take the stairs." She left him standing in front of the elevator doors and pushed open the door for the stairs.
Her concern about being seen with him was surprising. They were generally discreet, but over the months it had not been a great concern for either of them. He followed Olivia up the stairs. Soon they were walking into Dr. Chase's office. Olivia wanted to chew gum but she didn't feel comfortable doing so in front of Fitz during the session.
"Everything okay, Livy?" Fitz asked, his voice tinged with concern.
"It's strange having someone else here with me. I've never had my parents here...not ever...well that I can recall. It's...different," Olivia explained.
"If it becomes too uncomfortable. Say the word. I can go," Fitz said, taking a seat on the long leather couch.
Olivia nodded her head just as Dr. Chase entered the room and she sat on the couch as well but on the other end. "Olivia, Governor Grant, it's good to see you two today," Dr. Chase said.
"You can call me Fitz," he said, rising to shake Dr. Chase's hand.
Olivia stayed put, observing them.
"Hi, Olivia, do you need gu—" Dr. Chase began.
"No, thank you. Let's get started," Olivia said hastily.
Dr. Chase looked from Olivia to Fitz and the wide gulf between them. Then he picked up his yellow legal pad and pen. "So we are doing a joint session today. Olivia could you tell me why you wanted Fitz to attend with you today and how you want to start?"
Olivia almost changed her mind about the gum. "I..I...um...I wanted...I thought he wanted to be here when he insisted on being here so I invited him," Olivia said, shooting a glance at Fitz.
Dr. Chase's eyebrows knit together in that way of his, as if he was trying to figure something out. To Olivia he was always sifting her words, separating what she said from what she meant to say. It didn't usually bother her because that was his job.
"This session has just begun and already I get the sense that you are uncomfortable, Olivia, and that is okay," Dr. Chase began, "We can take it-"
"I told her I could leave if she felt anxious or uncomfortable," Fitz explained. He leaned forward and made eye contact with Olivia.
Olivia shook her head. "No, we are going to get through this session," she said while crossing her arms tightly across her chest.
Dr. Chase scribbled briefly on this notepad. "Olivia," he said carefully, "Why do you need to get through the session?"
"Gum...could I get some gum?" Olivia asked. Dr. Chase grabbed a pack from his desk and passed it to Olivia.
"May I have a piece of gum as well?" said Fitz, shifting a little closer to her.
She glanced his way, noticing the slight movement towards her. She couldn't understand him and his perpetual patience. It permeated all his interactions with her. It went against his every instinct because he was a man used to getting what he wanted. Fitz always wanted to be close to her physically, but he honored her attempts to distance herself. He'd insisted on attending this session, but he was offering to leave at her request. Olivia had never seen Fitz chew gum, but he was now asking for a piece probably to make her feel comfortable. After the months of dating him she still didn't understand him.
With a clipped chuckle and a sigh, Olivia passed the gum to Fitz, forgetting to take a piece for herself. "Why?" she said, not realizing she had uttered the question aloud.
"Why...what?...Why do I want a piece of gum?" Fitz asked. He unwrapped it and popped it into his mouth.
"No...never mind," she said, turning to face Dr. Chase.
"I'd like to explore your question, Olivia. So, please...what are you asking of Fitz?" Dr. Chase said.
Olivia grabbed a piece of gum and popped it in her mouth. She turned and faced Fitz."Why do you want to be here with me...in this with me? What's in it for you? Obviously, I can't give you what you want? When that thing happened to me it made me into this and I can't change that. I can't change who I am no matter how many times I come to Dr. Chase." Olivia explained.
Fitz edged closer to Olivia, his eyes trained on hers. "I love you. I want you in my life. That is why I am here, Olivia. I'm not asking you to change-"
"But you are," she said with a slightly raised voice, "maybe not directly, but you are the governor of New York with dreams of becoming President of the United States one day. You're the newly reelected governor now. How do I fit into that future or present?"
"We keep having the same argument and I-" Fitz began. He moved closer to Olivia again with a look of determination on his face, forming his argument as if getting ready for a debate.
"If I may interrupt here Fitz," Dr. Chase said, adjusting his spectacles, "Olivia please expound on what you mean when you say, 'it made me into this.' What is the it? What is the this?"
After discarding her gum in a kleenex from the nearby table, Olivia sighed and pursed her lips. It was times like these that made her dislike therapy and cast it aside as an exercise in futility. She felt that Dr. Chase already knew the answer to the question he was asking. He simply wanted her to voice it as if her words would somehow heal her. She gave in to Dr. Chase's request out of duty. After all he had put up with her for so many years, indulging her when she refused to keep her appointments or when she made an unorthodox request. This visit was going nowhere and it was a waste of time.
"When I was sexually molested and violated by my swim coach," Olivia said, stoically, " it damaged me or maybe I was born this way and it just made it worse. I don't particularly like people. I don't have friends. Sex is...complicated for me personally, but I make a living out of creating a brand that encourages people to explore their sexuality to the fullest. I am a paradox. I'm very good at what I do, but not at relationships. And I admit it," she said, throwing up her hands as if in surrender, "I love Fitz, and I want to be in his life, but I just don't see how it is possible in the future."
Fitz's pensive expression softened at her last comments. Olivia glanced at him and suddenly got the urge to hug him and protect him. He looked vulnerable and exposed, wearing all his feelings on his face. Despite these feelings she continued to wonder why he was so invested in her when she had little or nothing to give in return.
"I haven't pushed you to define the future for us, Livy," Fitz said. "I know there are challenges because of what happened to you. I know this will be hard, but I am in this."
"What about your family? Your mother was angry with me because I wasn't there on election night." Olivia realized that she was still smarting over the interaction she had with Fitz's mother.
Fitz's phone chimed and he quickly removed it from his pocket to silence it. "I'm sorry," he said, placing it back in his pocket. "That was a misunderstanding and not important or relevant right now."
"You should probably take that, Fitz," Olivia said just as his phone chimed again.
"There is nothing happening that my staff can't handle for an hour or so," Fitz said, silencing his phone.
"So what is relevant and important right now for you, Fitzgerald?" Dr. Chase asked.
Now Fitz was sitting right next to Olivia. "I want Olivia to feel free to be who she is and to know that I am not trying to change her," Fitz said, turning to face her, "I'm not trying to change you or make our relationship into anything but what it is...what it becomes. I want you just the way you are, paradoxes and all."
"I can't stand the smell of chlorine, Fitz. Sometimes I smell it even when there is obviously none there," Olivia confessed. "He's out there, and I know he's trying to contact me. Those tulips-"
"He's contacted you since then?" Fitz asked, gruffly.
"No...not since the tulips, but it is only a matter of time," Olivia said. She didn't want to admit how afraid she was of seeing Ronald Levine. It wasn't a fear of bodily harm from him as she knew he couldn't hurt her again. She wouldn't allow it. This fear lived deep within her and threatened her sense of self and who she had become despite what happened. Would seeing him break her to the point where she would lose herself and be felled like a tree? Like when she smelled chlorine and could barely breathe or move, would she be unable to live her life?
"He won't hurt you again. It's taken care of," Fitz said, making a mental note to check in with Cyrus again and demand all the details.
By now it was if Olivia and Fitz were in the room alone. They had completely blocked out Dr. Chase who was observing them and taking notes.
"What do you mean taken care of? You can't put him back in jail after pardoning him without bringing attention to the past...to me, and definitely to us. The press is already sniffing around. How can you possibly undo this, Fitz?"
Fitz sighed and then cupped Olivia's cheek. "I don't think it is a good idea for me to go into a lot of detail, sweetheart. I made this mess, and I am going to clean it up."
Olivia nuzzled her head into his hand, comforted by his touch, even though she disagreed with what he said. "This is not politics. This my life. I need to know what is going on so I can be prepared. I don't need to be protected because I can take care of myself. I've been doing it for most of my life, and when I thought I was protected, I really wasn't."
She felt her eyes welling up and turned away in search of a tissue. Dr. Chase passed a box of tissues her way.
"Despite the challenges to your relationship, you two communicate very well," Dr. Chase said, "Olivia, you have expressed that sex is the primary problem in your relationship. I can suggest a few sex therapists, particularly those who specialize in trauma. I'm not a sex therapist as you know, but I will suggest a sort of thought experiment. Instead of conceiving of sex as a physical act, what would happen if you treated sex like a conversation, an exchange of words instead of an exchange of positions and movements?"
Olivia and Fitz now gave Dr. Chage their full attention, but they both looked bewildered.
"I don't follow Dr. Chase," Olivia said, "Are you suggesting we have something like phone sex?"
Dr. Chase pushed his glasses from his eyes to the top of this head and placed his writing pad on his desk.
"Not quite phone sex. You would be in the same room and describe for each other in graphic detail what you would do to the other person if you were engaging in a sex act. If you did that what do you think would happen?" Dr. Chase said.
Neither Fitz nor Olivia answered immediately. Olivia crossed her arms and leaned back on the sofa. Fitz leaned forward and rested his forearms on his thighs.
After a full minute passed, Dr. Chase broke the silence. "I can infer the reason for your silence, but I shouldn't have to. So…"
They still didn't respond but glanced at the other, each with a sheepish grin. Finally Fitz spoke, "Full disclosure and it is embarrassing to admit this, but I am sexually aroused just thinking about that. But it also sounds a little silly."
"Dr. Chase, how is that supposed to help me?" Olivia asked.
"This is a thought experiment so I want you to think about it," Dr. Chase encouraged. "In fact, your core business, Olivia, is sexual exploration and pleasure. For the most part, as a society we are sexually repressed but sexually active. This gives sex a powerful mystique. I think that if you two talk instead of do, maybe it will help Olivia get to the heart of this trauma surrounding sex or maybe reclaim it...gain some control. We know your history...what happened to you,Olivia. Your first sexual experiences were traumatic and beyond your control. This would be totally within your control. Perhaps it will provide a bridge to the physical. Since you both are so adept at communication, I imagine it would be relatively simple to try. Think about it."
"So you are saying we should direct each other to do certain things to ourselves to each other," Olivia said.
"No. I'm saying you sit across from each other and describe what you would do if you were having sex. I would stick with the present tense. For example, 'I lean forward and kiss you…'," Dr. Chase explained, "Again, this is a suggestion and the idea just came to me based on observing you two just now and considering my experiences with Olivia all these years. This is more anecdotal than scientific so take it as you will."
Olivia glanced at Fitz and he glanced back.
"Well that's our time. Would you all like to schedule another joint session?" Dr. Chase asked.
Loose Ends
Fitz couldn't stop thinking about Dr. Chase's suggestion. It kept rolling around in his head all day after he left the session. Sure, he thought about Olivia all the time, fantasized about them making love. He relieved himself most nights in the shower when she slept over, making it easier to sleep beside her at night. In the morning, when he awoke turgid and hungry for her, it was off to the shower again and then a run on the treadmill. If she didn't stay the night, masturbation was much easier since he didn't have to hide it from her.
But this thought experiment Dr. Chase suggested intrigued him. It made him hard just thinking about the fun of it and where it could lead. The wildcard was Olivia, of course. Would she want to do it? Would it cause her pain and make her run from him? He counted it a blessing that they'd come this far, that she spent most nights with him when it was feasible for her schedule. Would this somehow compromise them? Fitz was willing to try for her sake, their relationship, and his own selfish desires.
These possibilities of it all preoccupied his thoughts for most of the day after their joint session. Olivia was more calm after they left, giving him a quick peck on the cheek, and a "I'll see you tonight" before rushing off after she received a call from work.
As he walked up the cobblestone path to Cyrus' house, he pushed this all to the back of his mind because he had some loose ends to tie up that intersected with Cyrus. What they had to talk about couldn't be discussed at the office so he asked Cyrus for a meeting at his home at 6 pm sharp.
"So to what do I owe this visit, Governor Grant?" Cyrus said, handing Fitz a tumbler with bourbon and sitting across from him.
"Thank you," Fitz said, taking the drink and sitting it on the small round coffee table, "I have one, actually two things to discuss with you. One. How exactly did you handle the situation with Ronald Levine? Olivia thinks he is going to contact her again, and I can't truly assure her it's been handled if I don't know the specifics. And before you go railing at me about how I shouldn't tell her...let me say this, I don't plan to tell her but I need to know the details so I can be sure."
"I put out a hit on him, Governor. He's dead," Cyrus said, stoically.
"Fuck. You what?" Fitz said, rising from his chair.
"Re-lax. Sit down! I'm joking," Cyrus said, with a snicker, "He was on his way to visit Ms. Pope when he was subdued, taken to an undisclosed location, mildly tortured, and warned to stay away from Ms. Pope. He was also told he had 10 days to leave New York for the West Coast. He's already gone. I saw to it personally. Ronald Levine will not be a problem in the future. I have eyes and ears on him."
"I'd like to see proof, Cyrus, that he's moved and where he is staying," Fitz said.
"Done. What was the second thing?" Cyrus asked.
Fitz took a sip of bourbon before answering. "First of all, I don't want you saying, 'I told you so'."
"Scout's honor," Cyrus said, resting his tumbler on the table and sitting back as if he was bracing for the news.
"Catherine Schaeffer contacted Olivia's office today with a request to do a profile on her. She claimed to have reporting that Olivia and I are dating and she has threatened to release it if Olivia doesn't take the interview," Fitz explained.
"Shit." Cyrus muttered.
At any other time, the "I told you…" would have followed the curse, but Cyrus held back. Fitz appreciated that.
"I can assume Olivia doesn't know that you were involved with Catherine Schaeffer else she would know that the threat doesn't make sense. Your relationship with Olivia is the story, not some profile on Olivia. So Catherine is toying with you and there can be only one reason why. She found out you are with Olivia and wants to cause trouble. Shit, Fitz, I offered to arrange some companionship for you. I told you not to get involved with a reporter. Grief fuck or not!"
"I know. I know. But we weren't dating Cyrus. It was just fucking and we had this easy banter. It was easy, because neither one of us wanted anything more." Fitz said.
Cyrus rose from his chair and refilled their glasses. "When was the last time you two were together? How did it end?"
"I don't know exactly. Maybe a few weeks before I met Olivia. She called me a few times-"
"Did you return her calls?" Cyrus said.
"No, I was busy with campaigning. Ms. Handley gave me the messages, but I never got a chance to return the calls. It was not a thing, and honestly I forgot about it" Fitz explained.
"I'll take care of this, but I need you not to talk to Ms. Schaeffer and make sure Olivia doesn't either," Cyrus said.
"Should I tell Olivia?" Fitz asked.
Cyrus' face softened in a way he'd never seen it before. "I would ask you if you loved her, but I already know the answer to that... so I'll ask you a different question: Does she love you and do you think she will be loyal?"
"Yes and yes," Fitz said.
"I think you should hold off on telling Olivia until I can see what Catherine wants. Let's just hope she didn't misconstrue your fucking for more than it was. Maybe I can smooth this over by giving her a juicy story. If she is out for something else, I think you will have to tell Olivia. I'll let you know what I find out."
Dear Readers, I'm a little rusty so bear with me. Hopefully I can keep up the updating. ~Butterflypages
