Oin placed his hand on Kili's forehead and winced.

'He's really hot, must have been feverish for some time now.'

'Shit, why didn't he say anything…' Thorin hissed.

'He never does..' Alsatir sighed.

'Has something like that happened before?' Balin asked Colonists.

'A few times… That's why we always kept an eye on him. He could loose a leg and still insist on jumping to help others, claiming that he's fine.'

Dwarves muttered, some in sadness, other in understanding – those were the qualities of Durins, stubborness and not showing your weaknesses.

'One time –' Alsatir said '- we found him laying on the stairs, he collapsed and couldn't get up, he was wounded. But did he call for help? Or did he say he was hurt? No, never.' He sighed

'He has an infection in his wound, probably due to swimming in not the cleanest river and fatigue, but, fortunately, I have something just for that, it's nothing serious.' Oin smiled at others with reassurment.

Fili looked at his brother with worry. How come he didn't see how unwell Kili was? How come nobody noticed? Or did they notice, but didn't react? He looked around – everyone's faces were filled with concern and saddness, but he didn't see much surprise in them. That angered him.

'Did any of you see that coming? Did he say anything to any of you?' he looked around, his inner lie detector turned on and ready to beep at the slightest ommitment of the truth.

'I think we all saw that something was wrong…' sighed Balin, still not over the conversation he had with Kili and also irritated with himself, that he didn't pay enough attention to him. He must have looked worse , but Balin was so concentrated on forming his defense and apology speech, that he failed Kili again.

'And nobody did anything…'

That voice came from the most unexpected person to speak up. Bard was holding a few more blankets and looked at them with disdain. He, too, saw that Kili was unwell and even offered him some medicine, but he's only known him for a couple hours, not like them for, he asummed, years, so he didn't want to overstep his boundaries.

'That shouldn't be your concern.' Thorin said coldly but tried to sound reasonably calm, since it was Bard's house and they were just guests.

'Thorin, calm down.' Balin whispered in his kin's ear.

'I am calm, Balin!' he shouted. In a not – calm manner.

'Shut up, you're disturbing your healer!' Bongin hissed, pissed.

'Everybody, calm down, that's really not the time for an argument.' Alsatir said, although his voice seemed tensed, not pacific.

'Nobody is arguing.' Huffed Bard. 'Some people just seem to be quite non – observant…'

'Don't speak as if you know everything!' this time Fili joined the heated conversation, also pissed.

'I may not know everything, but at least I don't pretend to be blind, when I see someone in pain.' Hissed Bard, which was very unlike him, but, as a person who truly values his family, he couldn't stop himself from getting angry at them for their neglect.

'He never shares, that's why we didn't ask. He would say he's fine anyway!' shouted Bongin, not knowing who he was more pissed with – Kili, himself or their host.

'Maybe you don't approach him well!' snapped Fili 'You claim to know him so well, but it turns out you have been just as bad as us!'

'Nobody can be worse then you lot!' Floin growled.

'Don't you dare…' Thorin gave him a dangerous look.

'Everybody, shut up…' Oin voice seemed to be lost, as every dwarf started to engage in the heated discussion.

'Don't you dare, haha! Have you forgotten your own faults, Oakenshield?' asked Bongin ironically.

'Don't speak as if you were there, dwarfling!' growled Dwalin.

'Were you there, or just hiding behind a wall of excuses?' even Alsatir started to heat up, which was rare for him.

'We have all done him wrong, is that what you wanted to hear?' Bofur lost all his merriness and got irritated.

'We are all at fault. Some more than others…' sighed Balin.

'You are all the same!' Bongin spat.

'I always cared about him!' shouted Fili 'He's my brother and I love him!'

'Weird, he's never said the same about you!' snapped Bongin.

'Yeah, truth be told, he's never even told us he had a brother!' added Floin.

THUD!

Everybody turned their attention to the loud sound and froze. Kili was looking at them. His eyes were still a bit dazed but, nevertheless, they felt as if they were piercing right through their souls, turning them to stone. Kili dropped a woodden figurne in a shape of - can you imagine - dragon.

'Brother, you're back…' whispered Fili, now totally free of anger, yet filled with anxiety.

'How are you feeling?' quietly asked Bongin.

Thorin couldn't bring himself to speak up, despite being a leader, he felt lost, not knowing how to react, since he also lost a tad bit of control just now.

Kili sighed as his arm, which he still held up, fell next to his body. He closed his eyes and frowned.

They are getting closer, Kili.

His eyes fluttered open again. He looked down and, with a grunt, picked up the woodden dragon.

The silence was tensed and defening, everyone was waiting for Kili to say something, anything. In truth, they wanted him to scream at them, to scold them for being so inaproppriate, even though he was younger than all of them. It was rather unreasonable, but somehow they were looking for common sense in Kili, when they all felt that they have lost it.

'Smaug.'

Kili looked away from the figurine and eyed Bard who shifted uncomfotably under his gaze.

'Back in the day, my grandfather wanted to kill him, he even forged black arrows, which were the only ones that could pierce through his thick skin, and only in the exposed part of his scales… Right under his left paw, he told me, below his armpit.' Bard sighed 'He didn't succeed and shot almost all the arrows in vain, all but this one…'

Bard reached to the celing and, from under a pile of fishing nets, he pulled out a black, sharp, long arrow.

'I've kept it… And made this figurine as a reminder of him… Wishing that one day I will bring the honour back to my family…' he looked Kili in the eyes 'That's why I treasure my loved ones so much… I don't want them hurt because of past mistakes, my grandfather acting like a hero he was never supposed to be.'

Kili sighed.

'Bard… So your grandfather acted stupidly, so what? You are not him, you are a great father to your children, they love you the most in the world, that's what matters.'

'I know they do. That's why I want to make them proud to be who they are. I wish my grandfather gave me the love and attention I give to my little ones, because all the memories of him that I have, are him just shoving me aside whenever I wanted to talk about something else than Smaug. I believe my kids can grow strong only with the support of those who care about them, I can't imagine how I would feel if I were in my father's shoes, I was only a grandchild, but he was his son…' He was given a few questioning looks.

'He was never supported by my grandfather. One day, my dad said, he told him that he was only a burden to him, that because of him he can't focus on what is important – winning against Smaug. Father said his heart broke. He never wanted me to feel like I was an obstacle in his life. I treasure the memories of him, as I hope my kids will once treasure the ones of me. None of us wanted to keep making the mistakes, that he has made when he was alive. I am very glad that my father saw how sickly terrible grandfather's actions were. He was a wise man, thinking on his own, loving his childern despite being a burden to his own father.' He sighed.

Thorin looked at Kili who wore an unreadible expression, but he knew how closely to home these words must have hit. Although it was Bard's grandfather, not father, the king knew, that Kili knew exactly how being abandoned by a loved one feels. Thinking about it now… Unlike Bard's father, Thorin supported and continued the hatred toward Kili… He thought, he was supporting his sister… But, was he? He decided he will be silent no more.

'Sometimes our loved ones make stupid mistakes, but, I want to believe that as long as we are alive, we can rebuild what was crushed by ours or our familiy's wrongdoings…' he said sorrowfully and, once again, looked at Kili. Actually, everybody did. Even those who didn't know the whole story, knew that Thorin treated Kili the way he did for a reason, maybe not a good one, but still, and that the one who started the hate wagon was actually Kili's father, not uncle.

Kili wanted to scream, he wanted to cry and punch everything around him until he crashed every last whole thing around him. He wanted to do that, because he needed to see all the 'wholes' turn to shatters, he wanted everything to be like himself, so that he doesn't have to look at something that was stable, a whole, an existence. No, that's not it. I don't want to destroy. I want…. I want to look my dead father in the eyes and tell him to go fuck himself, tell him that because of his selfishness I was sentenced for a life, in which I played a role of the burden, the child who got his father killed even before being born… Just how stupid does that even sound? It all started with that – that brat! If it wasn't for him maybe, just maybe, I could've been loved by my mother and not treated as a spare by my uncle – and – and – maybe I'd have a real brother, who would stand up to all the bullies and who would be my support, and I could be the same for him... Fuck it. It's pointless, I can't change the past. But… Bard's father was able to see his own father's mistakes, he knew negligance was painful… He was no fool. But… Thorin is also no fool… So why would he do that to me? Why would mother do that to me? She is no fool, either. Ah, fuck it all.

'… don't you think, brother?'

Kili looked up, not noticing that he lost himself in his thoughts.

'Hmm?' he hummed.

'I said, that with enough effort everything can be rebuild.' Fili smiled lightly.

Kili's expression was at first blank, as if he didn't understand what was said to him, but then it turned very dark, angry even.

'I don't think so.'

Fili eyes fell and he clutched his fist. He trembled a little and then screamed.

'I DO! AND I WILL SEE IT HAPPEN, KILI! But… I need you to try as well… I never imagined that, one day, you won't even admit you had a brother…' Fili eyes shined with tears as he looked back at Kili.

'That was cruel, Kili…' added quietly Balin.

There was a moment of defening silence.

'That was cruel?' Kili asked in a very deep, dark yet quiet tone, which sent shivers down everybody's spines.

Balin looked away, realizing that he should have stayed silent.

'Yes, it was.' Thorin stated firmly 'Fili never did anything wrong.' Balin squeezed Thorin's shoulder to calm him down, but his leader spoke nevertheless.

'Fili was very excited and happy when he heard he was gonna have a brother, he held you in his arms, played with you, asked about you. You just never aprecciated it. He would always be there for you, when needed.'

Kili was just staring at Thorin.

'Just…' Kili shook his head gently. Just how dellussional are you?

'Kili, I really was…' Fili knelt in front of his brother and tried to reach for his cheek to turn his attention to himself.

'Alright.' Kili avoided Fili's hand and, much to everybodys' protests, got up.

'Kili, please, sit back down, the medicine has just started working…' said Oin gently.

Somehow, Kili didn't feel the pain. For a second, he actually felt ashamed for never admitting to having a brother, but, as soon as everybody thought of him as cruel… He just couldn't take it, it really pissed him off… He needed to move past his family, he never even thought he was going to see them again, let alone go on a quest together. His past was supposed to be just that – past, gone forever, he started a new life in Colony, with new people, friends who respected him, didn't look down on him. Those same dwarves chose him to lead them – Kili couldn't think of a bigger merit. Compared to what he had in Blue Mountains – neglect, hate, no support, no real family bonds, no respect from those who he wanted to prove himself to –in Colony he had all those things, that he has always been deprived of. He was constantly stressed, he would put on a mask everyday – it was like that, because he felt, he didn't deserve all these good things, he thought that if he cracks even a bit, if he shows any kind of weakness, it will all disappear, poof, fucking gone, so, despite mental exhaustion he felt, he kept his facade up constantly. But, the sad truth is, he's but a dwarf, and as any living creature – has worries, bad days, breakdowns, doubts… But he just locked them all in. Honestly, who can last for long like that?

'I am tired, Kili…' Fili didn't try to make direct contact with his brother this time and only spoke in his direction. 'You won't let me in, you don't want me in your life… Or do you?' he asked hopefully.

'If I may, Kili, I am also tired with this situation. And I am sure everybody is. Just get it all out, like a dwarf.' Stated Thorin, who now seemed to forget that he was the one who cause the most damage to his nephew, as his pride took over.

'Just clear the air between yourselves, Kili, please...' Ori tried to sound as gentle as possible, with his shy voice.

'Let it all out, lad!' shouted Dwalin.

All eyes were on Kili again. Suddenly, he felt the urge to escape. He felt trapped, everyone circled him and demanaded that he resloves his struggles, that he hasn't been able to get through in a reasonable way for years, right now, beacuse they are so tired, oh, so tired that they have to put up with somebody who has taken so much upon his shoulders and now it's caught up to him. Ah, yes, they must be so tired.

He tried to compose himself and took a steadying breath, but he felt his hands shaking violently.

Kili, control, remember. Distance yourself from emotions –

'SHUT THE FUCK UP!' Kili didn't realize he shouted it out loud, until he heard his own furious outburst. I just have to go with it…

'I meant… I am sorry. I'm sorry, that you are just a bunch of selfish fools!' he cried with raw fury and stormed outside, despite Oin protests, dull leg pain and dizzinness.

The whole company and their host, who felt very uncomfortable in this situation, fell silent, all losing themselves inside their thoughts, unable to say any of them out loud.

BALIN…

Kili, you are much smarter than that. You are too smart to let yourself fall into the hate wagon. I know we have done you wrong. I am old, I am supposed to be the voice of reason… That is my responsibility, but I failed. Today - I also failed you. I have been constantly failing you, your whole life and I wish you could forgive me one day. I wish, I could be the shoulder that you can lean on, a person who you trust enough to seek advice from, but… You never did, did you? I don't remember you coming to me at least once… Did I make myself unworthy of your trust? Was it because I am close to Thorin? Did you think that, because of him, you can't be honest with me, share your worries, your thoughts? I am so very sorry, Kili, I should have done something, I am not blind. I guess, who I am, is just an old fool…

DWALIN…

You are but a dwarfilng, Kili! Thorin, myself, my brother, actually everybody is your elder, but you dare put us in such position? I know, we didn't do you justice, but to not mention you have a brother? To be blind to his desperate pleas to rebuild your bond? To disrespect Thorin in his face multiple times, when you should have just held your head down? Wait… Is that it Kili? I think I understand now, we have all felt you've changed, back in Blue Mountains even, but we couldn't pinpoint it. But now that I think about it, when you reached a ceratin age, you would never face Thorin, I remember often seeing you in the training fields, releasing your anger out there… I myself am a warrior, I need to be tough, but when I needed somebody to talk to, I'd always go to Balin, he would listen to me and give me a piece of advice. Was Fili ever somebody like that for you? Or, maybe, you can't open you heart to him, beacuse when you did try to do it, he ignored you? I don't want to assume the worst about Fili, he's a good lad… But… Perhaps… You never felt like he was your brother? Oh, to hell with it, I don't get ya, speak your mind!

ORI…

I remember you, Kili, as a very brave person. When you would stand up to my bullies, get in a fight, but in the end you would always pat my shoulder and tell me to go home, that they won't bother me anymore. I have to admit, I always looked up to Fili – he was very smart, mister Thorin would always say that he is a great lad, a worthy prince. Yet, I've never heard him talk about you… But I had my own opinion on you. To me, you were the firecest dwarf close to my age. Despite always admiring Fili, I've always seen you as somebody who would protect me, even though we are not releated, but because that's who you are – the protector. You were always very loud, but, truth be told, I've never seen you cry or complain – you would often see me bailing my eyes out and comfort me. I saw you as somebody unbreakable. But now… I can see that it was just a facade, so that nobody worries about you, so that you are the least of a burden you can be. And you would just keep it all in, and listen to me cry and compain that I'm not strong enough, that I'm not a real dwarf, and you would – you would always tell me that not everybody is like mister Dwalin, that – that some people are like me – smart, that the world needs both kinds of dwarves… Why have I never asked you how you are feeling? Why was I so selfish, how come I never saw that my friend is hurting… Why would you always keep that facade up, Kili?

BOFUR…

Kili, just how much did you hide from me? I remember, whenever you would come to my workshop and look at the toys, later at other crafts, your eyes would shine as bright as the Sun itself, you'd chat with me, ask me to teach you my wonderful technics one day… Were you lying? Have you been putting a smile on your face despite falling apart inside? Or, maybe, I really hope so, coming to my shop was a way of escaping your problems? Maybe, just maybe, when you were looking at colorful figurines, woodden trains, detailed chests, they brought you a tiny bit of joy? I have never been as close to Thorin, I never took you for a coward, so the gossip didn't really sit with me, but, Kili, who am I to stand up to Thorin? Could I have done it? Could I?

THORIN…

Just who do you think you are? Dis was so heartbroken after finding out about Feloni, he said she won't be able to love you and he was right. So what, that in the end he has shown remorse? Maybe he just wanted to clear his consience, sensing that he might die that day? I don't care about him anyway, but my sister… when she saw you for the first time, which was a few hours after your birth, she looked so angry, I didn't see a flicker of love in her eyes. That's when I knew I need to take you away from her. But I couldn't just abandon you, my people knew about you, your existence… What other choice did I have? I needed Dis to be sane and happy, as happy as a widow can ever be again, but you just stood in the way. I closed my heart on you, decided to never let you in. I still remember when you told me that some older dwarfling is beating you… How old could you have been? Eighteen? No more than that. I can still hear my own words, like it was yesterday – 'that's beacuse you deserve it'. It didn't feel right. If I am being honest with myself, that might have been the last time you called me uncle and I called you my nephew, both without disdain. After you left, I just sat down and stared into nothingness, I wanted to go and apologise, tell you, you didn't deserve it, that I will take care of it, that they cannot disrespect a Durin, a prince. Not a few moments later, Dis came in, she was shaking and when I asked what's wrong, she said you tried to hug her. I was lost. Was that good or bad? I asked. And regretted it shortly after her response. 'It felt like poison, Thorin' she said. That's when I started beating you up. I was angry that you went to Dis, who openly treated you with much distance and you even dared to touch her. Now that I think about it… You were just a child, who needed a hug. Such a simple thing, that a parent is usually happy to do. A thing that you saw Dis do with Fili multiple times. And you were scolded for it… Oh, Kili, my nephew… I may be the King, my peoples' leader… But I failed you ever so greatly. And I even dared to expect respect from you, when you were never taught what it is in the first place. How can a child grow in a family like that? How dare we call ourselves your family?

...FILI…

What do you mean, Kili? Why would you never speak to me?! Why would you bottle everything up for all those years? I am your brother and you abandoned me, fourteen years ago. You left and I thought I will never see you again. Then, miracoulously, we met again, but you treat me like – like somebody you just happen to know, not your sibling! I'm trying so hard Kili, you could as well. And start with opening up, telling me off when you want to, screaming, shouting, punching, this time consiously, just expressing yourself! I feel like I don't know you at all. I know I am to blame, but I really am trying, Kili… Just believe me… Please, brother…