Notes: Well... This took a while.
This work got so heavy so fast it sent me reeling. It wasn't my intention to create such a heavy story -you guys know me, I'm the Fluff lady -but it just went there naturally.
So it's been difficult for me to get back at it, but here I am.
I've decided to update all my unfinished works, and it's "Fate" turn.
TRIGGER ALERT! PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO THIS!
There are mentions of sexual abuse and references to rape in this chapter. I did not describe any of this because I don't see the need, but it's mentioned, so please, don't read if this is a delicate subject to you. There's also mention of drug use.
Chapter 16
The doctor was raging about a bunch of stuff; mostly it was about Maya's condition and how they transported her with a dog -a dog! – but he also wasn't happy about Agatha's gunshot.
How dare she get shot?
He made her lay down on the very poor medical bay -he was raging about that as well -and Agatha did it, just because her leg was killing her.
She hated getting shot.
Maya was close by, still completely out of it. She was way too pale and even her hair was dull. If Maya saw herself just then she'd be pissed as fuck.
That put a smile on Agatha's face.
There was a window and beyond it she could see Merlin and Harry talking to each other. Harry had his hand on Merlin's shoulder and the other man had his head low and his hand covering his eyes.
He was crying, Agatha realized with a certain morbid fascination. He was crying because Roxy had died.
She didn't picture the technician as the crying type; Roxy must have been truly special to all of them.
Agatha couldn't remember the last time she'd cried. Maybe it was that terrible night, all those years ago, when Harry told her he couldn't be her soulmate. She remembered crying then.
She didn't cry when Bridget died; but then again, she hadn't had time for that. To be quite honest, she wasn't sure she'd have cried if she'd had the chance.
Bridget herself had instilled the need to be strong in them -from the very beginning. Their life would be unpredictable and dangerous; if they cried every time one of them didn't come back from a mission, they'd waste a lot of tears and time.
Harsh, but true. Bridget to a tee.
Agatha didn't feel like she had tears on her. Not yet, at least.
The doctor came back and took care of her wound. It was a clear shot -it had gone through and hadn't hit bone -so he just cleaned it and bandaged it. He offered her some painkillers, but Agatha didn't want her senses dulled. Not now.
He told her to stay for a bit, he needed to find antibiotics for her. She just shrugged and sat there.
The doctor left and Merlin came back. He didn't even give her a look, just pulled a chair and sat by Maya.
Agatha couldn't stop herself: she snorted. It was so loud that Merlin turned to her.
"Are you fucking serious?" She asked him, her voice dripping incredulity.
"I beg your pardon?" Merlin glared at her.
"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" She demanded.
"This is none of your business."
"Yeah… No." She glared at him. "It's none of yours. I'm her friend, you're nothing."
Merlin opened the mouth to reply, but he couldn't; nothing came out.
"Even you know it." Agatha threw at him. "You were about to say you're her soulmate, but we both know it means shit."
"I can't leave." He choked out.
"You can, you've done it before." Agatha spoke without mercy. "You chose to stay away from her once, you can do it again. Step. Out."
"I CAN'T!" Merlin snapped, standing up. "I've tried, but I can't do it, not when she's like that."
Agatha's eyes were freezing as they bore into him. "Make an effort." She hissed back. "She doesn't want you here."
Merlin's shoulders tensed for a minute, then he walked towards the door and slammed it on his way out.
Shit.
When would this fucking mess start getting better?
"You better wake up, bitch." She told Maya's motionless body. "I'm not dealing with your stupid soulmate again."
XxX
"What do we do now?" Urien wanted to know.
"We still have the hacker." Caradoc offered.
"Is he still necessary?" Pippa asked. "We know the enemy, what does it matter how he got to us? Kill him and be done with it."
Harry sighed. "I think you should start explaining somethings to us." He told Monique.
The woman sighed. "It's a long story." She warned.
"We have time." Harry told her dryly.
She'd like to indicate to him that no, they didn't have time, but it was his choice. "I was born as Monica Fitzgerald in the 'Children of Free-Will', which is most ironic name they could've possibly given to a cult. It was a small one, there are others much more powerful out there, but for me it was the world. We lived in an isolated farm in the middle of Scotland."
Caradoc slid a glass full of whisky in her direction and Monique downed it in one go.
"They see sin in everything." She continued, eyes on the glass. "Even in kids. My mother, particularly. She used to tell me she knew I was wicked from the moment I was born, and the prettier I got, the surer of it she became." She snorted. "My luck that far had been the fact that I was born without a soulmark; my sister Lynda didn't have the same luck. She was born with a name."
Now they were all extremely silent, and avoiding looking at Eggsy. "They do the burning ceremony when the children turn 12." She continued. "We're supposed to be stronger by then and understand why it's important. I didn't have a mark, so I escaped the ceremony, but Lynda didn't. When she was twelve she had to do it. I'd learned early on to pretend to be faithful and diligent inside the cult, I was considered an example, even if my mother still believed I was the anti-Christ. However, our reverend admired my faith, so I was allowed to hold Lynda's hand during her ceremony. I was there the whole time while my baby sister cried and screamed."
Caradoc passed the bottle to Pippa, who was sitting beside Monique, and the girl filled her boss's glass.
"I thought I was safe." Monique continued, eye the liquid in the glass. "I thought I was lucky enough to be born without a mark. I should've known better." She snickered. "When I was 20 the mark appeared." She drained the glass again.
Eggsy pressed his lips together and refused to look in her direction.
"I was walking to the church with my family when it showed on me. My mother dragged me by the hair the rest of the way, celebrating the proof of my crimes. If it was up to her, they would've burnt it then and there, but the reverend said they had to prepare properly, so it had to be at night. That gave me time to think and plan."
"You decided you weren't going to take it quietly, right?" Merlin guessed.
"I decided I wasn't going to take it at all." Monique informed him. "I was going to escape that place whatever it cost. I was sheltered, but I'd seen a few books and I thought I knew how the world outside the farm worked. I thought it was a simple matter. So I put a knife on my pocket before they took me."
She was tapping her fingernails against the tabletop. "My mother was right when she called me wicked, you know. I convinced the revered that I didn't need to be held down, that my faith was strong enough."
"He believed you?" Caradoc asked shocked.
"Normally there had two to three men holding down a person for this; for me it was just my father" She shrugged. "I miscalculated my time, and ended partially burned anyway, but I managed to escape."
"Not so fast." Urien cut. "Who did you kill on your way out?"
Monique pressed her lips together.
"Who the fuck cares?" Pippa cut in.
"The reverend." Monique answered. "I don't know if my father died from the wound I gave him, but I did stab him on the chest. And then I ran as I'd never run before. And I kept running, and running and running a bit more, until I passed out." She was looking straight at Urien then. "And I never looked back, until 10 years ago, when I needed to know if they were still there."
"What did you find?" Merlin was the one to ask.
"The whole place had been burned down, everybody killed." She answered simply. "It never occurred to me then, but now it does… It was Lynda."
"Your lovely sister." Bors finally spoke. "The one that is obviously deranged, the one that's been trying to kill you for a while and whose soulmate you just killed."
Monique arched her eyebrow. "Yes. The head of the Syndicate."
"Well, fuck." Caradoc cursed.
"So that was about the time you became a Rose." Merlin guessed.
"Rose." Monique scoffed. "I forgot that's how you call us. But to answer your question: no, it wasn't. Not even close. There was a man, prostitution, a shooting…" She made a vague gesture with her hand. "Bridget picked me up at the hospital. That was when I became a Rose." She charged the word with sarcasm.
Eggsy massaged his temple. "Do any of you have a less fucked up backstory?"
"It really depends on your definition of 'fucked up'." Pippa threw at him. "But it'd probably be miss Olympics over there." She indicated Beatrice with her head.
Beatrice pressed her lips together and refused to react.
"Olympics?" Eggsy repeated, clearly curious.
"Beatrice was a gymnast when she was younger." Caradoc was the one to answer. "Very promising career."
She glared at him. "Yeah, until the accident got me stuck on this chair looking like Freddy Kruger."
"Hardly." Caradoc chided. "You still have the most beautiful pair of eyes and a brilliant mind."
"This is hardly the time." Bors indicated dryly.
"Agreed." Beatrice mumbled.
"You still owe me dinner." Caradoc chirped.
Beatrice refused to answer.
"Can we focus?" Harry asked tiredly. "We have a big problem in our hands. The Syndicate might have been after them, but now they declared war on us. They attacked the store, killed Lancelot…" He paused and took a deep breath. "We're taking them down. We'll burn their operation to the ground."
"Why?" Dagonet demanded. "Because of them?" He snarled, glaring at Monique.
"Because it's the right thing to do." Eggsy snapped. "They can all go to hell for all I care, but these people are dangerous and they won't stop. Someone needs to do it, and I think we're the only ones that actually care about it."
That made everybody quiet.
Harry sighed, preparing to speak again, when the doctor pushed the door open. "Miss Rivers opened her eyes."
Before any of them could even move, the women left the room in a hurry.
XxX
"Fuck…"
"I should've known this would be your first word."
"Agatha?" Maya croaked, her voice broken and pained. "What…"
"Don't move, you got shot."
She felt like crap so it was probably the truth. She could only see the ceiling above her head, but her head was pounding so she closed her eyes.
"What happened?" She asked.
She heard some shuffling, them felt the bed dipping. A hand landed gently on her forehead. "I don't even know where to start." Agatha sighed. "The last 24 hours have been hell."
"Miss Barton! What are you doing…" Silence. "Is she awake?"
"Yes."
The doctor came up to her and fussed over her for a while, asking questions and checking her. "I'll let the others know."
As soon as he left, Maya opened her eyes again and looked at Agatha. "Tell me."
Agatha was silent for a second. "They know about Merlin." She finally said.
"Fuck." Maya groaned.
"When you were shot, Caradoc opened your shirt to check the wound."
"Probably just wanted to see my tits." She mumbled tiredly.
Agatha snorted. "I'm glad you can see the humor in it."
"So… What now?" That was the question that was worrying her.
"He got sentimental and stupid. I had to kick him out."
Maya sighed. "And why are you guarding my bedside?"
"Not because I want to. I got shot."
"What the fuck happened?"
XxX
"Will you talk to her?" Harry asked.
"If she wants to talk to me…" Merlin nodded.
"What do you plan on saying?"
Merlin sighed. "I don't know." He admitted. "This is a mess of epic proportions."
"You're telling me?" Harry scoffed.
Merlin had nothing to say to that, and Harry sighed. He put a comforting hand on his friend's shoulder. "I don't want to be the one to say this to you… But I feel that I have too." Harry's voice was full with regret. "I know that deep inside you, in a place you won't admit that exists, you're thinking that -just maybe -there's something you can say or do that will make all this better."
Merlin looked at Harry. "But there isn't." Harry told him mercilessly, but -strangely enough -not cruelly. "Everything that's been done, is done and over with. The choices, the reasons we made them… All of that is in the past, but it won't be forgiven. She won't see it that way."
Merlin put his hand on top of Harry's. "I know." He confessed. "But I have to talk to her anyway."
XxX
"It's good to see I'm not the only one that looks like shit." Maya commented.
Monique gave her a look. "You're not wrong." She conceded.
"What now, boss?"
"Are we going to ignore the elephant in the room?" Beatrice asked.
"Which one specifically?" Agatha asked from her bed.
"Soulmate alert." Beatrice clarified.
"Yes, we are." Maya said with finality. "He'll talk to me, I know that. I'll deal with it."
Monique was carefully studying Maya. "I won't tell you what to do. You've earned the right to do whatever you wanted with that." She looked at the others. "You all have. This is all my fault, you shouldn't have to listen to me anymore."
"How surprisingly melodramatic of you, Monique." Agatha snorted.
"She isn't wrong." Pippa pointed out. "We've been targeted because her sister is a crazy bitch that wants to kill her."
"Thanks, Pippa." Agatha said dryly. "Look, Monique, I think you're overestimating your powers if you think we aren't living happily ever after with our soulmates because of you. Or that we're waiting for your approval to do something about them."
"Yes." Beatrice agreed.
Monique snorted. "So what do we do now?"
"Will we be working with the Kingsman?" Beatrice wanted to know.
"Considering that Pippa is the only one of us who isn't somehow broken at this moment…"
All eyes went to Pippa. "I could go all, guns blazing, explosives strapped to my chest." She offered.
"Please don't." Monique gave her a look. "We need them. Just for a bit longer."
"When this is over… Can we disappear?" Maya asked. "Leave them all behind, go live in Bali or something?"
"That sounds perfect." Monique agreed.
XxX
Merlin knew very well he was only allowed to be there because Maya chose to see him. He'd conjured up a thousand scenarios about what she'd say. Knowing Maya, she'd still manage to surprise him.
He took a deep breath before entering the infirmary where she was. Agatha had been transferred to a room upstairs, but he knew that -even that- only happened because Maya wanted it.
He wasn't looking forward to this conversation, but he needed to have it anyway.
She was probably going to say something to wreck him, and he was willingly walking into it.
Maybe he should leave and never have this conversation. He was pretty sure she'd prefer it that way as well; pretend it never happened. However, he couldn't, not anymore, not after everything.
He needed to talk to her; he needed to explain himself.
Perhaps he was even stupider than he thought he was. This wasn't about to be a reconciliation.
As Merlin entered the room, he found Maya on her bed. She was leaning against her pillows, looking deathly pale and weak; she had dark spots under her eyes and her hair -always so absolutely gorgeous and impeccable -was lackluster.
"Merlin." She called softly, her voice still rough.
"It's good to see you're awake." He told her formally, from his place by the door.
She snorted. "Are you going to stand by the door to have this conversation?" She challenged.
"I haven't decided if I'm going to make a run for it." He admitted.
"If you were half as smart as you're supposed to be, you would." She told him simply.
Merlin sighed, then walked further into the room, sitting on the chair by her bed.
Maya sighed. "Agatha told me you've been keeping vigil by my side."
"I couldn't help it." He confessed.
"You should be able to." She indicated. "You've done it for a long time."
And it had started.
He looked directly into her eyes. "You were never going to tell me, were you?"
She arched a brow. "Why should I?"
"I had the right to know." He pointed out, his voice still calmer than his actual thoughts.
"Excuse you?" She scoffed. "A right to know? Like I had for the last 32 years?"
"The circumstances…"
"Oh fuck your circumstances!" She snapped.
Merlin was shocked; he'd never seen Maya losing control before. She was always controlled, cheeky and teasing. Apparently, this was where she drew a line.
"The Kingsman…"
"Don't tell me about your precious agency." She hissed at him. "You could've done anything you wanted, even having me! Caradoc sure as fuck doesn't care about the agency."
"It's different!" He insisted.
"How?" She demanded.
"Caradoc is a romantic fool who doesn't have a soulmate 30 years younger than him!" He snapped.
Maya scoffed one more time, then looked into another direction. She took a deep breath before looking at him again. "It changes nothing." She told him.
He knew it didn't. Harry had told him that, he'd even agreed to it. But deep down it was a lie.
How could it change nothing? It was impossible, downright insane. It changed everything.
"I can't promise that." He murmured.
"Do you really think I give a fuck?" She demanded. "It changes nothing because I'm telling you it changes nothing!"
"Maya…"
"No, shut up. I'm going to tell you a little story." Her tone was frigid and her eyes were promising this wasn't going to be good, but Merlin owned to her listening to it.
"Once upon a time, in a far away place known as Salvador, a poor girl met a gringo who wasn't her soulmate, but who was very charming indeed." She started, sarcasm and a certain malice dripping from her words. "She got pregnant, he went back to his wife and I was born."
He knew that. He'd obsessively dug into her life once.
"We were very poor, but I loved my mother. And I saw myself as blessed, because I was born with a soulmark."
Merlin felt a knot forming on his throat.
"A man named 'Merlin'." She said dramatically. "He had to be amazing. He had to be grand and magical. I put my name on the system to find my soulmate when I was seven, and I read all I could find about Merlin, the character. I chased every single book, and movie that so much as mentioned him in any way. You know, it wasn't easy, because back then there was no internet, and only so much public libraries could do for me, but I persisted. I wanted that man."
She scoffed once more, and turned her eyes to the ceiling. "I used to dream about him saving me from that life, taking me somewhere else where he could teach me everything he knew. I mean, a man named Merlin had to be brilliant."
Merlin couldn't help but picture everything she was saying. A young girl, dreaming of a fantasy man, a rescuer. He knew she was on the system, it was how he found her when she was ten. He went all the way to Salvador just to see her. He didn't remember anything else from the city -he couldn't even say if it was a nice place or not -he just remembered the place where she lived.
It was an extremely poor neighborhood, a place they called Castelo Branco in Salvador. Merlin had walked the tight streets on a daze, just letting the pull carry him, until he found her.
She was a child then, something he kept firmly on his mind the whole time. She'd turned ten recently, and she was a skinny little bird, brown from the sun, the biggest smile on her face. Merlin stayed just long enough to see her meeting her mother. He kept that image on his head: a child. Once he turned to leave, he never looked back.
"But, as they time passed, I started to doubt." She shrugged. "I checked that system as often as I could, but you were never there. And then… My mother finally found her soulmate."
The word was a curse in her mouth and a deep sense of dread filled Merlin.
"She was happy and I was happy for her. I was twelve by then, and -no bragging -but I was always pretty. My mother's soulmate agreed with that."
And from the look in her eyes, from her tone of voice… A person would have to be extremely stupid not to understand it.
"And at first it was just a hug or a kiss on the cheek, then a 'come sit on my lap', but it wasn't long until he was slipping into my room in the middle of the night."
Merlin felt something inside him boiling. Not only for what she was describing, but because there was Maya, telling him about something horrific in her life, and she was using that tone of voice she used to vex them all. She was hiding an immeasurable amount of pain, under her attitude and it fucking pained Merlin that she felt the need for it.
"And all the time he did that, I just kept wishing my Merlin would save me." She told him. "I guess back then I was still stupid enough to believe in fairy tales. When it became clear that I'd have to save myself, I did the stupidest thing ever: I told my mother. I believed she would save me, because she loved me. Do you think that's what happened?" She asked him, her tone infinitely polite.
Monique had said herself she found Maya on the streets when she was 15.
"She didn't do anything." He spoke.
"No, she didn't. Because he was her soulmate and he'd never do something like that. No matter the bruises I had, no matter how much I begged her to believe me, she didn't."
"Mind you…" She waved her hand dismissively. "For me to get to the point of actually telling her took a while. So when I finally decided to leave, to be free, I was 14, and as I said… I was always pretty. But this time I didn't have a mother or a roof over my head, and the streets are never kind to pretty girls. You don't want to hear the colorful things that happened to me in the six months before Monique found me almost dead in the gutter, already addicted to things that had no place in my blood."
"And when Monique picked me up, and saw my mark… She explained some things to me." She was finally looking at him again. "She told me who you were, and how your agency worked… She told me you didn't want me."
"That's not true!" Merlin finally exploded. "I wanted you so much I could barely breathe. But you didn't show up until it was too late."
"You chose not to wait!" She threw at him. "You gave up on me!".
"And I've regretted it." He insisted.
"Not enough to change your mind!" She yelled, her voice a bit shrill at the end. "Not enough to think I was worth it. So you want me to think you care? Just because I'm here now, almost dying in front of you? Fuck you!"
"Maya…"
"You have no right!" She carried on, her eyes filling with tears, even if they wouldn't fall. "You don't get to choose when you want to have me. You don't get to decide you care about me just because I'm right here. You gave up on me, and I grew away from you. I don't want you!"
She was right, obviously. He was an idiot for even thinking anything else. Harry had said it: what had happened to him wasn't an excuse and she wouldn't see it that way, she wouldn't forgive him.
She'd never want him and that was his fault.
He could've waited more. He could've left everything behind for her.
But then again… What difference would it have made? Even if he'd left the Kingsman for her, it was unlikely he'd have been able to save her from her suffering. She was too young when it happened, and he wouldn't be in her life anyway.
So maybe that was not the point.
The point was that she learned how horrible the world was at too tender an age. People that were supposed to protect her turned against her for something so simple as a soulmate bond. And then she learned that her only hope, the person Fate had made just for her, would never come to find her, would never protect her. She'd learned that he'd forsaken her.
And this was probably Fate, rubbing his face against his choices, showing Merlin that, by trying to fight it, he'd left this girl alone in the world. Maybe this was all this was about: Fate proving to them all, that they could try to run from it, but the consequences would be catastrophic.
Merlin finally got the message.
He'd screwed up, and he'd never get a chance to fix it. He hardly deserved it. There was nothing else left to say.
"I am sorry, Maya." He spoke, getting up. "You're correct; I have no right. You should rest."
She looked at him, face stricken, her beautiful eyes lost. She was static for a minute, and then she pointed at the door. "Get out."
And he did, because he owned it to her. He also pretended he didn't hear the crash from inside the room once the door was closed. He'd done enough.
Notes: Let em know your feelings!
xoxo
