Author's note: We continue with the counselling session. And more revelations. Thanks for the reviews. I'm glad people are enjoying reading this.
Chapter 16
Juliet stood and moved to the back wall and turned her back to Thomas. God, she wished there was a window. She'd be able to look out on the island she loved, the sky, maybe even the sea. She shrugged, assuming that even if there were a window, the base wouldn't have the view that the Nest had. She looked at a large picture of the memorial in Pearl Harbour of the USS Arizona on the wall in front of her. It wasn't quite the view she was hoping for but it did focus her mind a little.
Juliet started speaking quietly. "You remember before all this, I went to the doctor?" She turned briefly to see Thomas' nod in remembrance.
"I'd been in pain, not much, but enough that I was a little worried, so I went to see my gynaecologist."
"Are you okay?" Thomas asked with concern, but Juliet was lost in her tale and all but ignored him.
"She did an exam and checked me out, said I had nothing to worry about but she was quite blunt. She told me that I was getting older and if I wanted to have my own children, I should think about doing it soon."
She turned from the wall and the picture that she had focused on to look at Thomas. "I never told you that I'd been pregnant before, did I?" Thomas shook his head.
Juliet knew he wouldn't know. No one did, or at least no one who was in her life now. "The first time I was under cover with MI6, I was to get into the life of this Russian oil magnate and his family. I was 'ordered' to have a relationship with his son." She kept eye contact with Thomas and could see his disgust at the order. "Officially, of course, I was only supposed to be around the family but they encouraged me to be more active in the relationship. Problem was, my pill medication ran out and the male MI6 contact I had didn't get me the right brand. I ended up as sick as a dog and then pregnant. Anyway, my bosses, and me, too, I suppose, were all happy when the op ended and I had a miscarriage."
She could see that the clinical way she spoke shocked both Thomas and the counsellor but this was who she was. She hadn't wanted to be pregnant and, to her relief, she no longer was. That miscarriage hadn't troubled her.
"I was pregnant again…" Juliet continued, this time not as clinical. She took a deep breath. "Did you ever wonder why Richard and I were going to leave MI6?" she asked Thomas and waited for his answer.
"I just figured you'd had enough of the spy world, the missions, the danger."
"I did, but not for myself. We'd decided to start a family, only I got pregnant quicker than we'd planned. Richard was so excited about it. We were going to settle somewhere, maybe in England, maybe not. And then he did one last mission… and you know how that went." Juliet stopped speaking, the memory of that time overwhelming her. She wiped away the tears that had filled her eyes. "I was so focused on finding his killer that I didn't take care of us. My baby… our baby... died. They said it wasn't my fault but I think if I'd just taken more time to look after it, maybe it would still be here. A little bit of us..." Her voice broke as she could no longer hold on to the tears.
"Jules… I'm so sorry. You've been through so much."
Juliet pulled herself together. "So, when my doctor told me I should get on with having a baby, I decided to put some real thought into it. I came back to the house and you and TC were arguing over something on the lawn. You were throwing a football at each other every time one of you argued the point, so it was good natured and, to be honest, quite mesmerising, like sitting watching a tennis match."
Thomas looked at Juliet, a little confused. She seemed to be jumping through topics that weren't connected.
Juliet caught his eye, she could see the confusion in them. She supposed that it was unsurprising he was confused but it would all lead to the answer to his question. He just needed to know the background. So, she continued.
"Over the next couple of nights, I had several dreams. I'm sure Michelle here could rationalise them as not being portents of the future but rather as a jumbled consciousness working itself out but, oh, they were so vivid. We were at the Nest, all of us. The guys, Kumu, you and me. We were playing football, TC teaching us how to pass the ball. It all started with just us but in every dream, there were children. Sometimes a girl, mischievous, blonde, but with your colouring. Sometimes a boy, running in and out of the sea, chasing the dogs. He had brown hair..." She got caught up a little in the memory, then shook her head before continuing.
"But, you see, the main point was that they were ours… mine and yours and… they were amazing." Juliet turned to look at Thomas again. She took a deep breath, "I've been falling in love with you for a while and I suppose at that time it seemed the right thing to do to stop taking the pill. I wasn't going to force you but I was willing to start considering being with you… if you wanted.
"Then all this happened and… they had my records from when I was in hospital before, they knew I'd been prescribed the pill. I let them believe I was still taking it… they offered me a morning after one but I didn't take it, either. I took a test yesterday and… yes, its early days but I'm pregnant."
Thomas had sat almost stuck to his seat while Juliet had told her story. He'd been unsure as to why she was telling him everything, but now he knew. He had not only attacked her, but he'd hurt her and he'd gotten her pregnant. He had no idea what to say now.
"Higgins… Juliet…"
"I know I haven't given you any choice in this..."
"You didn't give ME choice?!" Thomas exploded. "Higgins, I did this to you! You didn't ask for this. You don't have to do this." He stood up because he could do nothing else.
"Yes, I do!" Juliet shouted back. "I have to do this, because maybe this is how it was supposed to be..."
"No, Juliet, NO! This is not how a family is supposed to be made." He backed away from her, as much as the small room allowed. "Is this why you keep saying that it wasn't really me… Are you trying to rationalise a baby in this situation?"
"No," she answered quietly, "I know it was you. What I also know is that right now there's also a baby. I spoke to the doctor yesterday. She said to not get too attached. Given the circumstances, a miscarriage could be a distinct possibility."
Thomas stared at her. Again, the clinical way she spoke worried him. "Higgy, you have to stop switching your emotions on and off."
"I don't know how to do anything else."
The silence in the room was becoming deafening. Michelle, whom both Thomas and Juliet had almost forgotten was there, cleared her throat and both of them turned to face her.
"Mr Magnum, Ms Higgins… I can safely say your situation is, in many ways, completely unique. However, we were here originally to discuss and begin to allow Ms Higgins the chance to emotionally heal. I think to help you come to terms with the whole event, including this recent information, we need to finish discussing the attack."
"Can you stop calling me Ms Higgins? You're driving me a little crazy. My employees call me that. In the last hour, you've found out more about me than my closest friends. Can you go back to calling me Juliet?"
Michelle smiled. "I can, but only if it makes you comfortable… Juliet."
"Thank you."
"Okay, Juliet and… Thomas?" She looked at Thomas, who acknowledged the name change and let her continue. "Hearing how you attacked her, do you want to say anything or ask anything?"
Thomas sat back on the chair, folded his arms, and closed his eyes. His mind was a complete whirl but he owed it to Juliet to focus on this. "I feel… horrendous… disgusting… guilty… I want to be punished… I want to go back in time… I want to make her tell the police to arrest me… I want to hold her so tightly and take away all her pain… I want to know all the details but I don't want her to remember." Thomas opened his eyes and saw that Juliet was reaching for his hand again, so this time he took her fingers in his and gently began to massage them but he never took hold of her hand too tightly in case she wanted to pull away. "I love you but I don't know if we can get past this… I can picture the family scene on the beach and want it so much but I have no idea how to get there."
Juliet smiled sadly. "One day at a time, Thomas, remember?"
Thomas nodded. "Can you tell me what happened after I…" He took a deep breath. He could say this, he could own this. "After I... raped you?"
Juliet nodded, grasping his fingers again, something that didn't go unnoticed by the counsellor. "You... you came inside me… You took your hand off my neck and then you punched me. It was hard, it hurt, my head knocked off the concrete, and I was unconscious."
Thomas reached up slowly and ran his finger along the fading bruise on her face. "Do you know how long you were out? Did I attack you again when you were unconscious?"
"I don't know how long. I don't think you raped me again… You were really out of it when I came to. You wanted Hannah to be arrested by the FBI or the CIA, I'm not sure which. You were quite confused. You were getting angrier and angrier. You punched and kicked me again. I think if TC and Rick hadn't turned up then you might've continued and maybe would have… raped me again. But they did turn up then."
Thomas hung his head, very grateful for his friends but utterly ashamed that his anger had done this to Juliet.
"Did I recognise them when they got there?"
"Yes… but you thought they were in prison, too, and you got really wild when you couldn't find Nuzo."
"I think the same thing happened when I came out of it here… I'm so sorry, Higgy. I still don't remember anything about the attack. I don't remember anything from the time we got that case to waking up on the floor here with the guys. I don't know what else to say, but I'm sorry. I don't know how to deal with this." Thomas went back to looking at her fingers, trying to find absolution in her touch.
Michelle let the silence continue as she watched them both get absorbed in holding hands. Eventually she spoke. "To be honest, Thomas, you're taking the first steps to dealing with it." They both looked over at her, waiting for her to continue. "You've both come here and been very honest with each other. Thomas, you've accepted that you raped your friend. You've understood that this is something you should be punished for, and you're willing to accept that." Thomas flicked his gaze to Michelle and nodded.
Juliet was about to jump in and disagree with the counsellor's statement but Michelle waved her hand to stop her. "You, Juliet, need to accept that what he did was something that wasn't natural, wasn't asked for, and shouldn't have happened. Whether you go on to have the baby that was created or if, as your doctor has indicated, the trauma leads to another miscarriage, none of this was your fault. Thomas did do this to you. You've stated at several points in your earlier statements that it wasn't him but it was. He raped you."
Juliet looked back to Thomas and, reluctantly, nodded her agreement.
Michelle continued, "It's likely that this event will haunt both your dreams and affect your lives for many years to come. But I've watched you here. You've both shown that you're able to work together to get through this. Despite my initial concerns about you working through this together, it's clear you're a unit and do work better together." She took a breath, deciding that this session should come to an end.
"It's very rare for me to be counselling people in this situation. I've spoken to both men and women who've been attacked, and those who've done the attacking, but never like this. The fact that this was a PTSD episode is one thing, but the fact that you both seem to want to be together more now than you did before the attack is, quite frankly, a surprise. I can't tell you what to think or feel. You're both capable of discerning your own emotions and feelings for each other. I'd recommend you come to see me again but I also feel you should start to live your lives again."
Michelle turned and focussed on Thomas. "You're not going to be punished by the authorities but, for you, I believe that will make things quite difficult. As a member of the armed forces, you respect discipline and I suspect that not being punished will be harder for you than if you were to be imprisoned."
She turned to Juliet. "However, since your memories of the event are always with you, it's good that Thomas has something to wrestle with, as well. It will remind him that you can't escape the memories and that, whether you like it or not, everything has now changed for you. For both of you."
Michelle sat back. "It's my recommendation that you, Thomas, be released from here. However, whether you move back to the estate or not is for Juliet to decide, alone, with no pressure from anyone. However, I'd recommend that you both take your relationship slowly. You need to both discuss physical boundaries and what you're willing to accept from each other. Juliet, you, in particular, will need to tell Thomas what you want and what you don't want, and to guide him. Although most women don't like revealing a pregnancy until they're further along, I'd recommend that you tell your friends what's going on. Whether you go to term or not, you'll need their help."
Juliet took a calming breath after listening to the counsellor's recommendations. "I'd like Thomas to come to the estate to visit." She then looked at Thomas. "Maybe you could stay with Rick or TC for a bit, then maybe you could all move in for a while, so that I knew there was always another person there. What do you think?"
"I think I'll do anything you want. Like she said, you control this. Weeks, months... heck, years... Whatever you want."
"What about the baby?" Juliet asked quietly.
"I'll support you in whatever way you want. If everything's okay and this baby comes, I promise you I'll be there for you. I'll help you and I'll love you and love our baby so much. But, if something happens, I'll also support you. This won't be your fault and, if you still want me, I'll make as many babies as you want with you."
Juliet nodded and could feel the tears falling freely down her cheeks. Thomas had been right; counselling had been the right thing to do.
AN: This is not the end. There is at least one epilogue. However, some comments from Star have made me consider a second epilogue. It is not written, but chapter 17 is and is just getting a final polish. I'll see how lockdown goes; I might get inspiration for chapter 18 too.
