Chapter 17 - I'm Yours To Lose

I'm yours to lose, yeah

Why do you care?

Beneath a thousand truths

I'm yours to lose

"I'm Yours To Lose" by Zeromancer

Mac woke up in a tangle of sheets and pillows, her body aching deliciously from the second...third...fourth? Oh hell, Mac couldn't remember how many times they'd made love including one time in the shower which then led to them making love in bed, again. It had never been like that with anyone, the want to be so close and so connected, the conversation between lovers so uniquely intimate. They'd exhausted each other until she groggly told him he was insatiable. To which he chuckled and countered, "Just as much as you are."

At some point they actually slept although she couldn't tell when or how long that had been, the man had thrown her impeccable timing out of whack. And Mac simply didn't care because she didn't want to know anything else except for the love of a man she was currently sharing the same life with. This is what had been missing the feeling of loving and being loved in return without the added complexities that they had saddled themselves with. And she wasn't going to lose him again, her life depended on him.

Mac got out of bed, showered and then followed the scent of coffee as it wafeted from the kitchen. She poured herself a mug and spotted Harm through the windows as he stood on the porch leaning over the balustrade with his own coffee cup in hand. She smiled at how light her heart felt in his arms, like the weight of the last few years had almost vanquished.

"Can we stay here forever?" She stepped outside and wrapped her arms around his waist from behind then pressing a kiss onto the center of his back. God, how she loved him.

He rested the mug on the smooth wooden top and then turned in her arms, dipping his head so that he could kiss her. "Forever, huh?"

"Yup...I don't want to go back."

He grinned at the idea, there were worse things in the World than being holled up inside a cottage nestled in the mountains with a sexy Marine. He tilted his head in thought and raised his brows as if considering her request. "Well...I have a pretty nice trust fund; we can buy this place and take odd jobs in town."

He was joking, she knew but, the idea of living in such a serene corner of the World was a pleasant one. "I'd like that. No more running around the World. No more CIA or chains of command."

"Maybe we can make good on that baby deal?" Intentionally one hand dropped between them, under her shirt and to her flat belly. His fingers pressed and curled against her skin as he envisioned Mac carrying their child. She would look so stunning and he would do everything in his power to keep them safe and happy.

The question made her heart skip a beat and not in a good way. Mac tried not to think about their little agreement, a ridiculous idea to have a child together that hung over them like a dark cloud. God, how long had it been since they shook hands on the steps of JAG Headquarters? Little AJ's fifth birthday had come and gone since then and given the agency imposed IUD Mac was assigned, there was little chance of that happening.

Mac brushed his hand away. "I'm not ready for that… I may never be." She almost hated to say it but it was the truth. Now was not the time to add a child to the mix.

"It's okay. I understand." His hand came to her face, wiping away a solitary tear that ran down her cheek. Harm could sense her grief, he could see it in the way her eyes sadly clouded over with something more than sadness. The mirth she'd stepped outside with just minutes ago disappeared like ash in the wind and he felt like a heel for bringing up that silly deal. "Hey… Don't cry."

"It's not that I don't want to but...What they did to me, whatever it is lives inside me…I'm scared. Look what I did to you." Although the desire to hurt him had been staved Mac wasn't sure what horrors still lay dormant inside of her. Was it enough to make her hurt her own child? She hoped not but that darkness was real and unpredictable; he would never forgive her and she wasn't going to risk losing him because of it. "I love you but, I can't do it."

The desperation in her voice made him want to cry as well for her, for him and the time they'd wasted for reasons that no longer made any type of sense. He pulled her back into his embrace and pressed a kiss at the crown of her head. "Okay then, just you and me… maybe some alpacas?"

"Alpacas?" She couldn't help but laugh. The mental image of Harm, dressed in some native outfit herding a throng of alpacas across the mountainside was just too comical.

"I love the sound of you laughing… I missed it."

"I missed it too." She sighed and pushed aside the bitter thoughts that wanted to make themselves heard. She brushed aside the fear of what a certain terrorist was capable of. They had a few days left at the cottage and Mac was determined to make them all happy ones. "You're my lifeline, you know? No matter how bad that darkness tells me you're not... I did this for you.. I'd give my life for you."

Life. It was the most precious thing anyone had ever offered him and a sacrfice that Harm could not question. She had already given up so much to keep him away from the brotherhood and he knew she would give it all if it came to him. Mac's selflessness made his heart both soar and ache. She'd been hurt because of him and Harm didn't know how to fix that, how to make her whole again but, he would continue to try. "Sarah..." He barely noticed how much of an effect her affirmation had on his soul until Mac's thumb brushed away the tear that slid down his cheek. .

She smiled and then raised herself up on her toes to press a kiss against his lips. "I guess I'm not the only one crying this time."


When you're born rich and used the endless wealth the Webb family enjoyed, rules didn't necessarily apply. They were meant to be manipulated, enforced at will and, on occasion, ignored all together. Which was how Clayton Webb secured a private jet in order to travel to London incognito. To the Director, he was taking a few days off to help his mother through a minor surgery which kept him out of the office.

To the small group on board with him, including one Dr. Gutierrez, the agency psychiatrist that had programmed Mac.

He aimed to rescue her, in the very loose form of the word. In reality, he would take her by force if necessary.

Search and Rescue was the guise he had used in order to recover their maligned officer. Those on board knew not to question the Deputy Director and others feared the ramifications of not following orders. Clay rather liked his powers and he was good at using them. "Mr. webb, what condition do you feel the Colonel will be in once we retrieve her."

He'd lied, of course although it wasn't exactly a complete fibb. Mac had regressed back to her old self with only slivers of the agent they created. What he feared most was losing that edge, the perfect soldier to carry out whatever he needed to without fail. It wasn't so much about his attraction for Mac anymore although that still burned, he knew she would never be his. Clay just needed to make sure she would never be Rabb's either.

He underestimated the control and thought that pushing her to the boy scout would be a good thing, a way to soften her recklessness. Never would he have figured that Rabb would be the catalyst to sever it completely. Sometimes he felt terrible for the pair and what he needed to do in order to capture Sadik Fahd. There would be casualties, Mac knew this when he warned of the dangers of joining the Brotherhood. Some officers never made it back physically or mentally and she'd been on the cusp of being one of the lost.

Sadly, a decision needed to be made, Mac's life or his and Webb was too damned young to die even if it was for his country. "The man she's with is dangerous, he's trying to deprogram her and I think he may have succeeded."

"The Commander?" The doctor asked with curiosity, she was sure Sarah MacKenzie would loathe the man for all time. "That's impossible. The mantra is air tight if it breaks it's likely the Colonel would die of an aneurysm rather than just deprogram."

"Aneurysm?"

Dr. Gutierrez nodded. "Why do you think we use it sparingly? The mortality rate isn't very promising, most will die."

"Not Mac. Somehow she'll beat those odds."

"How willing are you to test that theory, Mr. Webb?" His silence was answer enough. "Has she had nose bleeds? Constant headaches?"

"Some."

"Then this may kill her. Are you willing to risk that?"

Webb wanted Sadik Fahd and Mac was the key to campurting him. She was the one he sought after for reasons Clay didn't even want to fathrom. Yes, he cared for her too but, his own survival came first. There was no way in hell he'd suffee tuat kind of torture again or tye nonths and months of rehabilitation to function.

He kept the man away from Mac back at the Chaco and he wasn't willing to do that again. Especially now that she made her interest so clear - she prefered that reckless boy scout. "I'm willing to risk anything. Just do your fucking job."


They walked into Harm's flat kissing and he barely had a chance to drop the luggage by the door before Mac pushed him against it. "You're gonna pay for tickling me, flyboy."

Harm turned them so that he had Mac pinned up against the door. He had that smug look and his sexy grin but, when Mac thought he'd continue kissing her, Harm backed off slightly. "God, I hope so..Do your worst, Marine."

She gripped his dog tags and pulled him close to her. "Not sure you can handle it, Captain." Her voice dropped to the most seductive timbre and Mac gasped when she felt his arousal press against hers.

His answer was to kiss her, hard and passionate, his tongue dancing with her own as Mac practically melted into him. It was her soft sigh of surrender that nearly had him ripping the jeans off and taking her right then and there in the living room. God, how he wanted her, always would, he supposed because even after a week of making love to her whenever he wanted, Harm still needed more.

His mouth came down to her neck as his fingers began popping each button of the blouse she wore. Mac's hands guided his head down to her chest, urging him to suckle her breasts. Every pull of her nipple into his mouth sent warm, wet heat pooling between her thighs until her jeans felt positively uncomfortable.

Harm raised her up and when her legs wrapped around his waist ground into her again which helped alleviate his swelling erection. So much for that precious control he tried to hold onto for so many years. He knew the first time they made love, that was all over he'd belong to her without question.

Between kisses and the subtle feeling of his baldness between the fabric of their jeans, Mac was panting and not above begging for more. "Make love to me...Skip the foreplay and the teasing."

His mouth latched onto her other breast and he nearly laughed when Mac pulled his head up.. "Harm, please...I want you so bad."

"Here or bed?"

"Bed."

"Okay." Harm eased her down to her feet and when she was about to scurry to the bedroom, he did the unexpected by gabbing Mac and tossing her over his shoulder. She yelped and protested, finally breaking into a fit of laughter when he unceremoniouslyuncerimonously dropped her in the center of the mattress and

brought his body over hers.

Clothing fell away with each feverish kiss as his need to have her naked beneath him and Mac's to have his skin pressed against hers made them equally desperate. She pulled him down, fused her mouth against his own as her hand snaked between them to take hold of his arousal. Mac guided him, raising herself up so that she would sheath him in one hard movement.

"Oh, Mac." Being inside of her, the sensation of Mac's warm depths wrapped around his length made Harm pause. This was the first time they would make love in his apartment...their apartment, he mentally corrected taking immeasurable joy at knowing

that she was his, finally.

Mac's lips met his in a joining of a slow, languorous kiss that matched their love making. "I love you, Harm." She said between kisses, gasping as he flipped them over so that she was on top.

"Do your worst, Marine."

From the far end of the living room hiding in the shadows the man in the three piece suit sat, a disgusted look on his face at what he had witnessed. Clayton Webb wasn't quite the voyeur although his occupation taught him to be one. However, the last thing he needed to see was a pre-coital union between Widow and the boy scout.

He swallowed down the bile that rose up at the obvious damage that her involvement with Rabb had caused. She was broken now, whatever shred of company programming disappearing the longer she spent time with him. He truly didn't want to hurt her as his affinity for Mac's talents had grown through the years but he had no choice - Webb needed her. "God damn you, Sarah."

The obvious sound of love making echoed through the flat and he cringed each time Mac cried Harm's name and vice versa. He shook in anger and tempered the desire to bash through the door and pull the man off of her. Force would not work and if Harm knew Mac had been taken, he would only give chase. The Navy man was like a dog with a bone that way - relentless and Clay hoped a freshly broken heart would stop him.

Webb was methodical and surreptitious in his work and waited for reassuring silence to retrieve a metal suitcase that waa on the floor next to him. Inside was a small, half liter tank whichtank ro which he screwed in a long, thin hose. From the case he pulledpuller outour a respirator which Webb secured over his face and then room several deep breaths to male sure it worked.

The volatile anesthetic inside the tank was a bit crude but effective and a trusty friend when not wanting to barge in guns-a-blazing. For this particular endeavor, he needed Mac to come quietly. Furthermore, he needed Rabb to stay away. Carefully, he introduced the tip of the small hose under the bedroom door and opened the valve as far as it would go. The powerful anesthetic was an agency concoction that would subdue and not kill quite rapidly.

A loud thud from inside the room alerted him that someone had passed out. From his phone he punched in a few digits ahd soon two large men, also wearing masks, entered the flat.

When he stepped into the room he found Mac's nude form crumpled at the foot of the bed and Harm was passed out in bed. "Grab the girl and make sure you take a suitcase and fill it with her clothes."

From inside his breast pocket Webb produced a white card with what appeared to be Mac's handwriting sprawled across the cardstock.

In the front was one word. 'Harm.'

The back was just as simple but, much more devastating. 'There will never be an us.'

She was leaving him again.