Chapter 15

And then there were Three

Manny and Emma watched Mean Girls, their favorite movie.

To Emma, it was always entertaining and quotable. It was to her now, about an average girl who was leading this double life fraternizing with essentially the title "mean girls" and these misfits who were her friends. Aaron Samuels was the male lead, he was handsome, clean-cut and sweet but Shane Oman was the dirty secret in Regina's life that all but came crashing down around her when she was caught. Sean was Aaron and Shane was Jay.

Emma knew she wasn't the heroine, but she used to be such a Cady. What happened? Who was she now and who does she represent? She realized she was similar to Regina of all characters. She was lying to herself if it sat right with her, it didn't.

Emma asked Manny covertly, "I wonder why they don't portray Regina as real or as sympathetic as they did Cady and Janis and even Gretchen. Regina seems almost untouchable and not even real. Who do you relate to?"

"I don't know, none of them because they're all batshit," Manny's eyes were beginning to gloss over as she took her eyes off the film. As she was eating a piece of popcorn, she looked over at Emma and shrugged before swallowing her food, "It's just a movie Emma, but if you ask me nobody should ever want to be a Regina because secrets and lies they have a way of coming out and biting you in the ass. Trust me."

"Yeah," Emma faked a smile, "but Cady I don't know why she would want to get involved? Why would she want to tear down the girl who noticed her?"

"She had nothing to lose, Emma. Remember last year with Paige Emma? You were starting to change too. Thank-god your inner cause girl came out because I didn't like that side of you. I was seriously concerned." Manny yawned and stretched before retreating to the bed to finish the movie. Emma was beyond the movie they both had seen many times. Before long Manny was fast asleep in the bed. Manny didn't dare mention the ravine to avoid an argument she was too tired to, she just looked up at Emma from the air mattress and told Emma, "Sorry, don't kill the messenger."

The more Emma thought about the circumstances the more she was influenced by what Manny had to say. She thought back to Jay who she had been before so anxious and excited to see and felt all sorts of sour about it.

Emma tried to get their talk off her mind. She turned off the television and looked at her phone to see the time, it was around 10:30 perfect timing to get plastered at the ravine. This time she was distant; we find ourselves at the beginning of the story.

Emma's thoughts and realizations kind of soured her mood whether she chose to acknowledge it or not. It was a small gathering at the ravine. It was Jay and another couple and a few others Amy wasn't there or she was in the van. Party was in full swing and Jay tried to hide his excitement seeing Emma, he cleared his throat and smirked when he saw her that same old Jay smirk.

Emma softly smiled back and sat below him on the actual seat of the picnic table near the fire. "I don't bite, you can sit next to me you know?" She was acting differently and cold toward him so he gently pushed for answers, "or suit yourself."

"I'm fine right here." She answered almost detached. It was cold out both literally and the sound of her voice. She crossed her arms and just watched the others who were doing their own thing and warmed herself by the fire.

Emma and Jay had been fooling around in the van all over each other, the van that she asked to go into after Jay wanted to talk. Her clothes were off and so were his as their hands traveled over each other,

Emma wasn't feeling it, she wanted to get off but Jay was being romantic and soft when she wanted things passionate and uncaring. Frustrated, she finally blurted out, pushing him away literally and physically and killing the moment, "Stop for a second," she asked him rather seriously, "What are we even doing?"

"What does it look like?" He got closer to her but she sat up crossing her arms signaling to put the kibosh on everything at least for now. He stopped pushing at least for a little while.

"I can't." She pushed him off of her and away, she shook her head rummaging around the dim van for her clothes and purse, she wanted to leave in a hurry but Jay wasn't letting her leave without an explanation. She avoided eye contact. A part of her wanted this to go on mostly driven by her hormonal urges and attraction but her mind and heart were saying no.

"Explain it to me because I don't understand." Jay threw on his shirt and searched for his pants as Emma was getting dressed, he asked her with confusion and worry, "Did I do something wrong?"

She looked up at him and stated, "No, not at all, I just can't do this anymore with you."

"What led you to that conclusion?"

"It's complicated." She brushed it off, her favorite excuse.

Jay didn't even think twice about it; he simply blurted out what he was thinking without hesitation. "Emma, I don't want to stop. Plus we're having fun. Normally this wouldn't bother me but it does. I really don't want to just quit because I don't think I can. I love the way you kiss me and everything else. I like what we do. I love it when we talk about things when we do even if it's seldom but fuck it I really like it. I don't want to let go of that. Does the summer we spent together mean nothing to you?"

She thought for a moment but refused to answer that last question. She'd be lying to him and her own self that she didn't. It meant a lot to her, the world even. "Remember Jay I call the shots!" She stammered, "it's not that simple. I should have known this was a horrible idea. If I remember correctly it was your shitty idea but you made this stupid deal with me so you're stuck either way."

"You would've spent the summer sober, bored and alone if I remember correctly, but now I've been hooking you up and fuck it Emma, fine," He was about to say something more but then he stopped, and then he showed a little bit of vulnerability, "I really don't want to stop hanging out with you. What is it?"

"What do you want from me, Jay? What more do you want from me? I've given everything I could possibly give. I've been very clear with you, why does this come as such a surprise? Why don't you just accept it? Look around there's plenty of girls to bone here. You won't miss me, you won't miss them. Why me? I know exactly who you are and I'm becoming someone I don't like when I look in the mirror. I feel like I'm so many goddamn people. I feel wrong. I'm sorry if I led you on but I don't think we're on the same plane anymore."

"They aren't you!" A period of silence between the pair occurred followed by Jay breaking the silence. "Can we," Jay inched forward caressing her face as she stood still, "can we just," he looked in her eyes causing her to want to scream on the inside a yes but he finally added, "have one more night? I want you to stay." She wanted to turn around and leave but something kept her there stalling a few minutes. She wanted to tear his clothes off again, she wanted to be in his arms, she wanted to tell him how she had been feeling until it all felt wrong. There were so many things she wanted to say but they kept it to themselves. She simply wanted him, all of him but she was fighting the inevitable.

She had to fight those feelings because then they'd be real. The way he talked so softly to her on that evening, it was easier when she didn't feel the way she did or when she felt nothing at all, "Why? What's so special or whatever about me? Is it because it was easy? No strings you're only human and besides, now you don't have to worry about me or me cramping your style."

"No not at all."

She laid it on thick with her Jay Hogart impression, "Virtue or whatever?"

He shook his head no somewhat hurt by the remark, gritting his teeth he replied, "Stop it, Emma."

"Why then?" Emma asked him, getting angry. She pushed forward, "Why?"

"Look I don't know what has gotten into you tonight, I wanted to talk and you didn't. You were acting weird all night. Quiet distant and then we come in here and you want to fuck so we do. I know I mean something to you or else you wouldn't come around."

Emma was growing impatient, "You didn't tell me why."

"Do I need a reason, it's because I'm falling for you Emma, for real." He began to open his mouth to say more but Emma spoke.

She cut him off quickly and dismissed him, "I told you not to do that."

"Rules are meant to be broken. I can't help the way I feel and besides, I think you feel it too."

"You wouldn't get it and besides there's something you should know." Emma sighed, "this is the final night. I'll stay the night but we gotta stop doing this." She told him sad avoiding his eyes until that moment when she said to him, "I don't want to hurt you."

"Just tell me?" He whispered quietly attempting to hold her and be affectionate with her but she kept pulling back.

Earlier that night, Emma said that she knew Sean was gone and she didn't need to be reminded but she knew for a fact that was a lie. She knew exactly what was going on with him. She didn't deserve to be with him or Jay at this rate and she knew it.

Finally, she couldn't keep it to herself. She walked toward the door, "I can't do this. Remember the rules?"

"Of course and they don't matter. No one can know, I had to get tested, and I can't go falling in love with you. Damnit, I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. I know who you really want but look around Emma, look at me? I'm here. If he gave a fuck he would be there for you but I was there for you when everything in your life went to shit. That's got to count for something, right?"

Emma was hurt by that remark.

Her eyes began to well up into tears, truthfully she didn't realize just how much she liked him and how she'd managed to make a mess of things that were complicated anyhow. She knew there was no guarantee she'd even run into Sean again even if he was back in town, but she wanted to be right in the mind for when he did and Jay took her away from that side of herself. She was torn and conflicted. Finally, she murmured, "Summers over, this is over."

"It doesn't have to be though."

She blurted out, "Sean's back in town, I thought you should know. I saw him at Peter's party."

"You didn't even tell me?"

"Didn't come up." With that, she turned around to leave and pushed the door before he could say anything back and she didn't want to see his reaction. She would've walked away completely but something or rather someone stopped her dead in her tracks as she pulled the van door open, Sean. Her bright brown eyes widened as Jay was just about to follow her out to have more words with her and try to convince her to stay again, but he too saw what stopped Emma. Sean Cameron was there at the ravine standing in front of Emma and he heard every word between Emma and Jay from outside the van.

He wasn't happy it was written all over his expressive face. No one was happy and everything was falling apart and suddenly unraveling. Nothing was clear but one thing was for sure it was Emma's fear coming true. Even worse, the secret was out, beans spilled and it wasn't even a good secret.

They were fucked. Jay and Emma were no longer a secret. Were they over, not by a long shot.

Screw you guys, I'm going Home

"So you're with Jay now?" Sean asked, "or did he somehow talk you into this. Oh, right it doesn't matter because I heard it all."

Emma didn't say anything, she just kind of looked away and down. "Hi. What are you even doing here?" Emma told Sean somewhat awkwardly, "It's complicated."

"Look, man, I didn't think you were coming back." Jay tried to smooth things over but it didn't go over well enough, it wasn't an excuse. "I didn't even think to be honest." Emma shot him a look of confusion before they both looked back at Sean.

Without missing a beat Sean spat, "Shut up, 'don't look man' me." He pushed Jay back as he got closer to him and raised his voice to Jay, "you think it's okay to make Emma one of your side chicks? Isn't that what you do? Hook up with them and throw them away when they get attached?"

"It's not like that Sean and you know what? It's none of your goddamn business."

"No, it is my business because she's the reason! She's the reason I'm back."

"I got to go, I can't do this right now." Emma broke the tension with her words, couldn't believe how Sean was talking, finally acknowledged them both.

"So you're just gonna walk away?"

Emma wasn't facing them attempting to leave Sean and Jay to scrap it out but she was too angry to let that remark go, she whipped herself around and asked, "As you did? Just walk away, do something wonderful, great, sweet, romantic even and just walk."

"Excuse me?"

"I needed a friend, I was dealing alone. Where the hell were you?" Emma asked him, "No one gets what I went through, what we went through in that hallway that day. Toby likes to pretend it never happened; we haven't talked in months. You just checked out and reached out once or twice over the summer. I know that's no excuse and all but you weren't here! I tried to do what Toby did you know, but it affected me. It wasn't my fault. You weren't here to talk to but Jay was." Emma was quiet for a moment; she looked away and acknowledged Jay for a few moments, "he was sort of my rock, my friend maybe something more than that."

"I'm disappointed in you, you're not that kind of girl."

"What do you even know? Before Rick, we hadn't spoken in a year, a whole year! Lots of things can happen in a year. You missed a lot and you were around back then. You left me remember? You moved on and I might've pretended to, with Chris but it doesn't matter it's all ancient history. Now you hate me, it's one more person to cross off the list." She saw Sean, really saw him clam up and shut up for a few seconds. He was so angry and she hadn't seen that side of him before, not directed at her. It wasn't how she pictured seeing Sean after everything was said and done. She planned to keep her ravine life a secret and she failed at that.

She wanted to talk privately with Sean, without Jay but he was standing there, this was a thing of nightmares. "I guess you're wrong about me, I'm not who I used to be and I can't talk about this right now. I'm not in the right headspace. Why are you here right now?"

"I've known you for a long time Emma. We have, I don't know, history. I know a lot, Emma. I meant what I said! I am truly sorry about what went down but I was looking for Jay and I found you too." Sean scoffed, "it makes me sick how you could hook up with him."

"Hey! What's that supposed to mean, dude?" Jay hollered insulted by that remark, "fuck it. It has nothing to do with you."

Emma left and she turned around, "I got to go, it's really late."

"Emma, what if I didn't come tonight? Would you have kept this from me? I don't hate you. I just feel like I need an explanation."

"I said it's getting late." Emma reiterated avoiding the question not wanting to answer it not in front of Jay and certainly not out loud finally she told them both, "I'm tired it's late, don't call me, don't message me and don't ask me that. I think you know the answer. If I know you as I've always I know you're not gonna like it."

"We need to talk," Sean begged Emma as she stepped up the hill as Jay stayed behind. It was just the three in the woods and Emma was trying to leave.

"Privately, yes but not now. I will call you eventually."

"No we got to talk now," Sean followed Emma, not accepting no for the answer, "Please, just tell me why. I can handle it."

"We've been through that part, and besides what about Ellie?"

"This isn't about her, we're through. Just tell me, do you like him or are you just doing it because you're lonely and needed a friend?" Sean reached out and held her arm gently in an effort to stop her.

"Don't." Emma stepped backward tripping on some brush and fell down. Sean knelt down to help her up but they stayed down for a spell in the grass, "I'm not mad at you, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for you finding this out this way."

Emma dusted and brushed herself off and avoided his eyes, his sad, hurt and disappointed eyes, she hated seeing them. Deep down she was disappointed in herself for letting things get as far as they did with Jay. Emma still had feelings for Sean and she didn't want him to see her in that light so she lied. "I don't know," Emma started to say as she got up off the ground, "to answer your question. It's not ideal of course but I didn't plan it." Emma stuttered quietly to Sean, "It was Jay's idea and I guess he knew I was a mess so it made it easier."

"Emma…"

"He treated me like I was a person though. Not someone bitter and broken, not someone who was needing fixing like everybody else thinking they got to nurture and baby me. He took me at face value and certainly not like you do."

"How do I treat you, or how do you think I treat you?"

"Like a ballerina in a music box."

"What do you mean?"

"High up on some pedestal. Someone I'm not. Better than I actually am. Innocent and someone I had never been but I try to be that standard that's impossible to reach."

"I don't think so."

"Some of the stuff you said tonight is proof."

"I guess I don't know, I was only upset because I secretly or not so secretly have never gotten over you. Since I left I couldn't get you off of my mind. I couldn't stay away." Sean paused for a moment, "You don't have to say anything. You don't have to make a choice."

Emma chose to say nothing just changed the subject after a few moments of silence, "Are you here to stay?"

Sean smirked proudly and nodded, "I just put the down payment on the apartment."

"That's great," Emma told him softly, she dusted herself off again and realized she might've twisted her ankle when she had her great fall. She wasn't wearing proper footwear for that one hill that led to the parties but this was the first time she was clumsy or tipsy enough to fall.

Sean told her, "I'm having a housewarming this weekend, that's why I'm really here. I was going to invite Jay but. . . now I don't know." She acknowledged that thought to herself and the definite possibility that Sean probably didn't want her there either but then he said, "I'll let you know the details. Maybe we can talk soon."

"I'd like that, that would be nice."

"Could I walk you home?" Sean blurted, noticing her limping up on one foot, "I'll be quiet once we get to your place. I know you like to sneak out that window of yours. I didn't forget. It wasn't so long ago you'd sneak in after curfew to my place."

She was amused at that, as they embarked uphill which was the most difficult part, "That was a fun summer."

"Oh yeah, I know why."

"Why?"

"Things weren't complicated."

She nodded, "Before Jack, before Snake's cancer and it was an entirely different time."

"We were together." Sean told her, Emma acknowledged but looked away he lightened and finished his thought with, "The Dot wasn't even finished being built yet."

Emma added, "And we were the first customers." They both laughed and reminisced as they walked to Emma's. She leaned her arm on his shoulder as they made their way up the road, "Thanks," she whispered, "well this is me."

She heard a vibration, it was Jay.

My god tonight was weird.

We need 2 tlk. Can we meet tomorrow? Text me when u get home. I just make sure you got home safe.

Emma was at a crossroads, was she going to continue her affairs with Jay or leave Jay in the dust and in the past? She couldn't decide but Sean was the most honest he'd been in quite some time. She felt guilty she didn't deserve him and she knew it no matter what anyone, even Manny would say. She put her phone away and said bye to Sean. She climbed through the window and as she slid down the wall as always but this time she hit the washing machine with a thud and Manny woke with a start, Emma whispered, "Fuck."

She yawned and stretched and saw Emma standing there whispering, "This isn't what it looks like, go back to sleep."

"You've been gone for a while. I went to get a drink an hour ago. Where have you been? I've been worried."

"I was at the ravine. Don't be mad."

"Seeing that guy again? What's his name? Oh right because you won't tell me, coo coo bananas. I hope you guys are safe." She looked down at her feet on the white washing machine and dryer, Emma gingerly stepped down, not putting weight on her twisted ankle, "I see you hurt yourself. Are you alright?"

"I'm okay for the most part," She sighed, sitting down on her bed as quickly as she could. She began removing her shoes. Manny got up and grabbed an icepack from the basement freezer in addition to a paper towel and gave it to Emma.

"Put this on so it doesn't swell."

Emma obliged and looked at Manny crestfallen, "It doesn't matter because it's probably over before things really started taking off."

"Really girl? Do tell but before you do, guess who I ran into the other day?"

Emma shrugged and Manny exclaimed, "Sean Cameron, rumor has it he's back in town." Emma pretended to be surprised and Manny realized this wasn't exactly news to Emma and her smile faded, "but you knew that already."

"It was at the party at Peter's."

"Was your ravine boy toy there?"

She shook her head no, "I was a wallflower waiting on you."

"Oh, so tell me about what happened with the guy?"

"I broke it off."

"Why?"

"Sneaking around isn't fun for me anymore." Emma told her, "not when it's clear he's caught feelings and it was a stipulation in our arrangement and somebody else knows that I didn't want to know and now it's a big old mess and I'm embarrassed about the entire thing."

"It looks like he's alone in it, because you look like you have too. Who cares what they think? Who cares what they say? If you like him what does it matter?"

"It's complicated." Emma dismissed it, "I can't like him."

"You do though."

"I do not."

"I know that face." Manny told her, "that face when you like someone, the glow it's written all over your face. Why do you want to run away from it?"

"He's not the right one even though I do like him. It might even be more than just like him. I didn't just kiss him. I didn't just hook up, I did it all with him. It messed with my mind and possibly his too. I don't want to feel this way, I wish I didn't."

"You spent the summer with him. You gave him your v-card, I get it."

"It was just a summer fling."

"Now that things are complicated you just wanna run away because you don't want to get vulnerable because you're afraid to get hurt?"

"Precisely. Last time I got vulnerable it was a mess."

"Your heart got broken."

"Exactly."

"Maybe it won't be like that this time, maybe this time it will be different."

"Maybe." Emma yawned and laid backward on her pillows. "It didn't start out so serious and I never wanted it to get this weird."

"This conversation isn't over but we'll talk in the morning and next time tell me where you're sneaking off so I can cover for you."

"Yeah Manny I will," Emma muttered, throwing her blankets on top of her and putting the icepack on her nightstand. Manny put it back in the fridge as Emma fell asleep. She wanted to snoop so bad, she wanted to know all about Emma's mystery man. As Emma was deep in slumber Manny quietly snuck in Emma's bedside table and found her diary. Against her better judgment, she turned the pages and held a flashlight to it from her air mattress. It was in a black pen when she read about her summer adventures. How she's been hooking up with Jay Hogart of all people. How she still cares about Sean and wonders about him. How she started the summer and had a big crush on Peter and how she quickly decided Peter wasn't for her. How she missed Manny. Manny felt sort of responsible and guilty that Emma felt like she had to take all this stuff and stuff it by keeping it all to herself and a secret. She was surprised given what she knew about the spring. She just couldn't get over Emma falling for Jay Hogart and according to Emma, he was falling for her too.

Before dawn, she put the journal back where it belonged and fell back asleep. Emma couldn't lie to her anymore, not when everything was laid out on the table.