What?! Another chapter so soon? I have been re-inspired, what can I say?
Thank you Azeran and Intergalacticsupertwink for fixing my messes. Best beta's ever!
I must write quickly.
My dreams are troubling me. It's why I'm writing now. I'm trying my best to make sense of it all, but it's like trying to hold the ocean in my hands. I've lost almost an entire year of my life, and I am floundering in a desperate need to fill in that gap.
I don't know why. Something awful must have happened for me to leave the castle grounds, knowing that I would lose my memory. I did find scars—one on my head and a few small ones on my neck.
My father is at a complete loss and can't tell me much else, save for I was happy at the castle, and I was... in love. What's more, apparently the king had loved me as well. How much he loved me, I am not sure. He let me leave. Or maybe he exiled me. Papa seems more distressed than I am, and he keeps trying to catch me alone and whisper things to me to help me remember, but Gerard does not like it.
My husband is beyond jealous over someone of whom I have no recollection.
My husband...
I don't know how to explain the shock I endured the day I found myself outside the castle gates. One moment, it was a winter night, and I was ready to enter the castle grounds, set on making some money and then... well, then leave this world. And then suddenly it's daytime, and it's summer. And my dead husband is staring down at me. At first, I thought I died. That I had gone through with my plan and just not remembered.
But then I felt pain. A dull ache all over my body, like the times I'd woken up after a drunken fist-fight. My head felt like it was splitting in two. And I felt... empty.
I remember being despondent before lining up for scrutiny to apply for the courtship. I had felt numb for so long. But the numbness was gone. The despondency had turned into desperation, seemingly from one moment to the next!
How can things have changed so drastically without explanation? I look at my husband, the one I loved and lost as if he is a stranger. It breaks my heart every time he touches me. At first, I thought my hesitancy was out of shock. After all, I had been mourning his loss, and then I could not remember a single fucking thing–and I can't. I can't take this for much longer.
I need answers, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what I will find. My father's fiance, another new thing to wrap my aching head around, she is very kind. Anne is her name. She had tried to go to the castle on my behalf and inquire as to what happened, but she was not allowed entry. She is quite worried about the king. She says his tendency toward melancholy has always been a concern and that my loss could have pushed him over the edge.
Can you imagine? The death of the king? His blood on my hands? I can't bear to think of it. I know I don't remember him, but I do not wish for him to suffer on my account. After all, if what Anne and my father have said is true, and there is no reason to doubt them, his majesty and I were good friends before we fell in love. Best of friends. His heart must be broken. Unless he broke mine?
And I also find out that there had been talk about a pending engagement? I would never have thought I would remarry. But my heart knows that the rumours are true. That I was in love. That I lost more than my memory when I awoke outside the gates.
It's been two weeks of this back and forth, this indecision. It's like I'm walking through a fog, and I can't find my way out. I just wander to the next path I can see, but it leads nowhere. What else am I supposed to do?
I could go back to the castle.
What if I'm not wanted there? The king hasn't even inquired over me, and there must be a reason. There must be! What if I get to the gates, and I too am turned away? Then the life I just got back would be over for certain. There is no possibility of Gerard forgiving me for it. He's basically said as much.
I have so many questions, but everyone is hesitant to give them to me. Anne and my father hold back information because Gerard is always around.
Another thing that worries me is Gerard's enigmatic resurrection. He hasn't given me the entire story, I know it. He snaps at me when I ask too many questions about his capture and imprisonment and then his miraculous freedom. He says it's for my own good that I don't know everything. He's barely looked me in the eye since his return. Not that he met my eye much before he set sail. Still, something is different with him. That is no surprise. It's been a year since his departure. He has his memories. Could there be more to it? Or is this doubt a fit of paranoia?
My dreams. I don't know what to make of them. There is a lion, prowling, but he walks on two legs. He follows me everywhere. If I run, he attacks, and I wake up. I awake with a roar in my ear so loud that I wonder if the lion has followed me into the waking world as well.
Sometimes, the lion speaks to me, like a man. He says my name. I swear I can hear my name being called in that voice while I'm awake too.
I'm so tired. All of this thinking, going in circles, just drains me completely.
It has been weeks since my last entry. It's hard to find a moment alone long enough to write discreetly. Gerard is drinking far too much again. He's passed out on the settee in the parlour, which is why I know I will not be interrupted.
A few days ago, I heard raised voices. I walked downstairs to find Gerard and my father arguing.
"Where were you really, you lying cad?!" my father cried in outrage.
"You know the story, old man!"
"Then why didn't you write ahead? Why now? And why is there talk of you leaving town?"
I got between them and rounded on my husband. "What is this? You're thinking of leaving?"
Gerard almost snarled at me. "We are leaving, Belle. We can't stay here if we want to pick up the pieces of the lives we almost lost."
"And you didn't think to consult with me first?"
"I'm your husband. I don't have to consult you!"
"How dare you?!" Papa shouted. "You're using her money to steal her away, and you haven't even told her?"
"What," I breathed in shock, "what have you done?"
Gerard, for a moment, looked guilty and ashamed. Then he shook himself and dragged a hand down his face with a frustrated sigh. "I've booked a passage to the south." He spoke over my outraged gasp. "We need to start over if this is going to work between us, Belle. All we do is argue–"
"Because you are trying to keep me from the answers I need!"
"Why do you need them?!" Gerard began to pace and looked as crazed as a madman. "You want the truth? Here it is! The king is a monster! A literal walking, breathing monster, and he had you under some spell or enchantment! If you don't believe me, ask your father!"
I was stunned. I turned to Papa who looked just as stricken. "Is it true?" I asked him.
"Belle, you don't have the whole story–"
"Then tell me!"
"Go on, Maurice, tell her about the abomination she was supposedly in love with."
I looked at my father expectantly, and he deflated with a look of misery on his face.
"You see, Belle?" Gerard grabbed me by the shoulders and gave me a shake. "He can't even admit it. He just wants to be the father of a queen, no matter what the cost."
"I have no such desire!" Papa outraged.
"Belle, listen to me," Gerard pleaded, "I was told everything–"
My father tried to grab my arm, but Gerard pulled me away. "Who told you? You know nothing, Gerard! Belle, I love you, I want nothing but your happiness! And you are not happy!"
"How can she be?!" Gerard threw his arms up and laughed mirthlessly. "She has it in her head that a king swept her off her feet! And here I am, a sailor–not even that anymore! Of course, she can't be happy!" My husband turned to me again, tearful eyes begging. "He is deformed. He's a beast that walks, talks, and acts like a man, but he is an animal. He nearly killed you with the very horns that sprout from his head! And you think I haven't noticed the other scars? Those marks on your neck? What do they look like to you, Belle? Tell me, honestly. You're clever. What are they?!"
At this point, I was shaking. My heart felt like it was tearing in two, and my head began to hurt again while I tried to remember even a shred of my time in the castle. The lion in my dreams suddenly made sense.
"Teeth," I whispered. "They look like teeth marks." Gerard let me go and nodded slowly. I gazed at my father, and the truth was there, plain as day.
Papa gave me a pained look. "But you loved him," he muttered with a hint of uncertainty.
"Yes," Gerard spat with disdain, "like a battered wife loves her abusive husband. Gods know what he did to you! I can't bear to even think about it."
"No, Belle, no," my father shook his head with denial. "It wasn't like that."
"How would you know?" Gerard demanded. "You have no memory of the place, yourself!"
"How do you know any of what you've just said? I have Belle and Anne's accounts! And I remember some things!" He turned to me quickly. "Belle, that's why I came! I have some memories from the castle. I had notes, stuffed in my pockets! The memories came to me when I finally deciphered my infernal handwriting!"
Both men were panting and waiting for me to say something. I looked from one to the other and felt like I didn't know either of them.
"I need to be alone."
I'm still at a loss. I feel paralysed. Gerard only gets worse the longer I prolong our stay here. Maybe it is best we leave. Start over.
Don't I owe him that?
But don't I too, deserve to know what really happened?
Gerard and I went to the shore. We had a picnic. For a while, I remembered the good days. The days we were in love. We laughed as we reminisced. Maybe this can work. I just need to move on. It's the right thing to do. Isn't it?
I've agreed to leave. I'm letting Gerard take the helm. I can't bear the weight of all the choices before me. I can't keep living in a world of what if's. I hope life will make more sense soon. Gerard wants to try again to start a family. I'm not sure I feel the same way. Maybe, once we've settled and left this nightmare behind us, I may have a change of heart. We leave in two months.
The whole town is in a tizzy. Something has happened, but the gossip is all twisted. Some say the festival has been cancelled. Others say the king is planning a ball. And still, others say the gates will be torn down. There is no official news. Papa has not come to visit again. He and Anne left the village, and I have no idea where they've gone. I can't help this feeling of dread that wells up inside me. But is it dread? Sometimes it feels like excitement. Something is happening, and it's connected to me, I can sense it.
The dreams are becoming more vivid. Now, I am the one following the lion. He is injured and there are hunters closing in from all sides. I want to help him. I ache to heal him. But I can never reach him.
The town is in a complete uproar now. A Herald came. The festival is not cancelled. It won't be celebrated in the city. Instead, it will be celebrated on the castle grounds. It is an open invitation. There will be a ball in the grand ballroom.
What's more?
The whole affair is sounding off with the destruction of the gates!
Anyone who enters, anyone who witnesses... they will keep their memories.
I am no fool. This is my only chance to get real answers. Perhaps my memory will return as soon as the gates are blown to bits.
Is the king really doing all this for me? Or because of me? Maybe our courtship ended so badly that he has changed the tradition because of it. Or maybe he just wants to see me again. But why go through all of this? He could just send for me.
Why hasn't he?
Anne and my father have written to say they are well. My father had one of his coughing fits, and they went to shore. Anne is worried about my father's health. She says the stress of what's happened is keeping him awake at night. It seemed there was a page missing. Gerard had given me the post already open. I pretended not to notice, but I am livid with anger.
Gerard was able to hasten our travel plans, to my chagrin. Our departure will be the day before the festival. I didn't think I would be so upset, but I am. We fought. He says I must make a choice soon. Him, or the beast.
He's my husband, and I don't know this beast! Why can't he just understand that I only want to know why I left? Does it have anything to do with my scars?
I may never find out!
Gaston came for Gerard today. They went off to who knows where. The look in their eyes left me uneasy. I saw some more men from the village looking quite sinister. Three of them seemed familiar to me though I cannot place their faces.
Gods, what are they plotting?!
I must find out.
Gerard assures me that there is nothing nefarious going on, but I don't believe him. Going to the ball may mean I get to have an audience with the king. I have not been forbidden to come, so I must also be invited. Yes? The meeting may never happen. The king may not even show his face. But time is running out. I want to go to the ball. I need to go to the ball. Gerard can be angry with me all he wants. Better to apologise than ask for permission, as they say. He's been lying to me anyway.
I can hardly believe it. Three days. Three days until the festival. All of our belongings are packed. My father is eerily resigned with the whole affair. He even mentioned he might buy property in the south and visit, maybe even move when the opportunity arrives. But he's made no plans. That is unlike him. He's been avoiding my gaze as much as possible. Anne has given me a few reassuring winks. Something is afoot, and my skin is itching with anticipation. Gerard continues to think that his dutiful wife will comply with his unmerited demands. I don't want to give a reason not to trust me. But he knows me. The clock continues to tick.
What have I done? Hopefully, the right thing. I've always been one to follow my instincts and my instincts say I must go to the castle. The festival is tomorrow. Right now, our things are being loaded on the ship that will take us to our new life. Well, that can wait.
Gerard has packed all of my formalwear. He must suspect I intend to go. If he thinks that will stop me, he is sorely mistaken. As if I'd care a fig about strutting through the castle doors in my tattered trousers! Ha!
Besides, the most interesting thing happened this morning. A royal envoy came to the house. The carriage she came on was larger than my new fancy parlour! Six horses. Six! What unnecessary extravagance, I thought to myself when I saw it from my window. Does the king think to impress me? Woo me?
But then I understood why the carriage was so large. Four guards and one young man exited the wagon as well and surrounded the messenger. The woman was tall, almost as tall as me, and that is saying something as I am almost six feet tall!
Her stern face was set in a permanent frown. It looked like she could handle herself in a fight. I'd certainly be wary of her, and I've never shied away from a scuff. Gerard was already outside by the time she reached our front gate.
"What is the meaning of this?" Gerard demanded. "He's sent for her, hasn't he? He might be king, but he cannot just take whoever he wants!"
The severe woman looked bored as she pulled out a scroll. "I have a package for Lord Kari Belle Dubois."
"Bonnet-Dubois!" Gerard corrected.
The woman ignored him. "I am to hand it to her personally."
"Well, I'm her husband. You can give it to me."
The messenger looked as if she was straining to keep from rolling her eyes. "My orders are to stay here until I safely deliver the package directly into Lord Kari's hands."
I was downstairs in a flash. "I am Kari!"
"Belle, what are you doing?" Gerard hissed.
"Getting my royal mail, what does it look like?"
My husband grabbed my arm as I tried to walk past him. At that very moment, every single guard brandished their guns. The messenger held up a hand and looked me dead in the eyes.
"Are you being held here against your will?"
"How absurd–!"
"I was not speaking to you, good sir!" Her tone was deadly, but she did not take her eyes off me. "Are you, Kari Belle Dubois, being held here against your will?"
I looked back at Gerard and wondered what would happen if I said yes. "No."
The guns were put away simultaneously.
"Chip," the woman called to the young man. A boy really. Without further instruction, Chip approached me and handed me a box wrapped in gold and a black ribbon. He bowed and retreated.
"Your Lordship–"
"She is no lord! What is this farce?!" Gerard looked fit to combust with rage.
"Your Lordship," she tried again while sending a glare in Gerard's direction. "Here is a personal invitation to His Majesty's ball tomorrow evening." She pulled out a card from her pocket and gave it to me.
I took the invitation, a smooth, heavy envelope with the king's seal. I felt strange holding it in my grasp. Like my destiny lay within.
"I shall stay if you wish to answer," the tall woman said gently.
There was silence as everyone stared at me, waiting for my answer. My gut twisted. My instincts were telling me that something was not right. I handed the card back without opening it, though it pained me to do so.
"No. My answer is no."
If the woman was disappointed, she did not show it. She took the invitation. "The king wishes you and your family safe journey and good fortune."
I made to give the package back as well, but the messenger held up a hand to stop me. "That belongs to you. Something you left behind."
"Oh..."
I hardly noticed their departure. I was stupefied and staring at the box. Once the horses galloped away, I ran. I bolted up the stairs and locked myself in my room. I tore the wrapping apart and slowly lifted the lid.
Inside was the most gorgeous suit I've ever laid eyes on. A vision of a blurring ballroom nearly toppled me over. Holding the clothes in my hands, I knew I had worn this before. It was mine.
Fortuitous news. Though our belongings have been shipped, we will not set sail tomorrow. The captain gave us some vague excuse. Something about the weather not being ideal. I don't really care. That's a load off my mind. Now, I don't have to worry about jumping ship. Not that it would have come to that. I don't think.
It's tonight, or never. Gerard has given me an ominous warning.
"Don't go, Belle. This is unprecedented. Who knows how the public will react when they lay eyes on the beast that rules them. There could be a mob. I don't want you getting hurt. I would do anything to protect you."
"I already said I wasn't going."
He nodded. "Will you come to bed tonight?"
"Yes."
"Oh," he was genuinely surprised. "Oh, good. Good." He blushed and seemed sheepish as he left me to my books.
But I was not reading.
Tonight, I will be a dutiful wife.
Gerard is finally asleep. It appeared he was going to stay up, but the laudanum that Anne gave me took care of that for me.
I'm wearing my suit. I've donned a dark cloak and hood.
I'm going to the castle.
