This chapter is quite a long one and took me a while to get right. The next chapter should shed some light on the fate of Mr Carson. I hope you all enjoy and always appreciate feedback, whether good or bad :)
Mrs Patmore had noticed that there was a nervous buzz between the help, the never-ending and urgent jobs kept flooding in, the surprise tasks and tiredness that they all felt was much the topic of every conversation. The normally refined organisation and watchful eye of Mr Carsons were missed, even after a few days, but they were all trying as best they could to match that level of detail. Thomas had obviously started to create a power struggle, arguing and creating problems so that he could appear the great and mighty power solver. There had been numerous occasions when he had tried to undermine Mrs Hughes, who had cut him down as soon as he had opened his mouth. Mrs Hughes was the mother figure of the house, and as children did, they pushed against her with their unruly behaviour. Mrs Hughes had stood her ground admirably, and slowly but surely they had realised that they were not going to win. It was not a role that she was used to, but she had spent many hours with Mr Carson and she knew how to command the people beneath her. Normally, much of the stresses of the daily running of the house were lost on Mrs Patmore, who had a primary objective of keeping everyone fed, and she knew that it was something that she was good at. Today, however, she had caught the nerves and it did not sit right with her.
The meat cleaver sat cold against her hand as she lifted it from behind a pan she had placed onto the side. For a moment it looked like she was going to go to war with the large piece of fresh beef she had in her possession, her eyes fixated on a singular spot on its shiny surface and a slight smirk on her lips. A loud bang from behind her made her jump, and she swung herself around to glare menacingly at Daisy who had rather clumsily dropped a box onto the floor.
"Will you be bloody careful, Daisy! You tryin' to give me a bloody 'art attack or what?" Mrs Patmore yelled, her face scrunched up in anger as she tried to regain control over her rapidly beating heart. When her eyes caught Daisy, the satisfaction of the younger girls shocked expression was enough for her to turn her attention back to the meat. "I swear that bloody girl will be the death of me!"
Anna and Mr Bates had entered the kitchen mid-yell and stood smirking at the scene that lay before them. Daisy was now running nervously around the kitchen, side-glancing at Mrs Patmore with every noise she made as she tried to complete her tasks, nervous she was going to annoy the older cook some more. It was nice to smile after feeling so rushed and tired all day, their feet aching from the non-stop hustle and bustle that the house was providing without Mr Carson steering from the helm. Although Mr Carson rarely got involved himself, he was able to predict and plan at the drop of a hat. The house and the people in it had their own little nuances, and he was able to prepare and read a situation before it had even come to light. It was this familiarity and attention to detail that was missing, not the lack of skill from Mrs Hughes. All that they were doing was reacting to requests, rather than intuitively knowing that they were going to take place, and so it seemed to be much more frantic and pressurised than normal. "Are you ok, Mrs Patmore?" Anna said in an amused tone.
"I'm absolutely bloody dandy, me. I want to get this beef prepared for tomorrow before I start settlin' for the evenin'. Why does everything' feel like it's gone to pot now Mr Carson is not around, eh? I've got things comin' at me from every bloody direction you could think of!" Mrs Patmore exclaimed before glaring at Mr Bates as he chuckled lightly from the other side of the room. "Mrs Patmore, could you 'ave a look at the menus for the next week? Mrs Patmore, could you spare Daisy to come upstairs and help? Just lie me down and shoot me!" Mrs Patmore angrily raised the cleaver high above her head, and then smashed it down through the meat and into the chopping board into one ferocious sweep. There was a satisfied smirk on her face when she pulled hard to remove the cleaver from the wood beneath.
Anna scoffed heartily and shook her head. "Come now, Mrs Patmore, a lot of that is stuff you do anyway, and nothing above your normal remit. We're all rushed and feeling the pinch at the moment, but at least Mr Carson is still with us. We have managed with much worse, haven't we?" Anna paused to look around to see if Daisy had left, before hushing her voice to a whisper. "Mrs Hughes is trying, but we all know she's a bit distracted at the moment."
"Distracted is right. Every time I see her, she looks like she's staring off into another world. She seems so lost and distant," Mrs Bates whispered at a mirror volume to his wife.
Mrs Patmore's eyes grew wide as she tried to think of a way that she could try and swerve the conversation away from Mrs Hughes, not wanting to let on that there was anything more to the fact her friend had been acting strangely. If Mrs Hughes and Mr Carson were ever to be more than what they were then that was their own business. "Well, she's likely just feelin' the stress and pinch of not havin' Mr Carson around. She's capable, but she's probably exhausted like the rest of us."
Mr Bates nodded in agreeance, his eyes turning to look at Anna who gave him a gentle nod. "It's ok, Mrs Patmore. I know."
"What? You do?" Mrs Patmore stared pointedly and accusingly at Anna who smiled in retort. "Well, that was not your information to tell though was it, Anna?" she hissed before taking the cut piece of beef and placing it to one side.
Anna nervously looked at Bates who just shrugged his shoulders. Anna hadn't thought about it in that manner, as she had just wanted to help, and now she felt that pang of guilt in her chest. "I've sworn him to secrecy. I wanted a male's perspective on it, to see if there was anything that we could do to help, you know if Mr Carson gets better. It wasn't malicious and done out of gossip, Mrs Patmore. I just think that the pair of them need to see sense, and Mr Bates is a man, so wanted to know what he thought." Anna didn't have any cruel intentions for sure, and it was true, Mr Bates might be able to add something from the male persuasion that she may have missed.
"Anna?" A soft familiar voice came from behind them and was followed by the body of Lady Edith who walked hesitantly into the kitchen with a polite smile on her face. The letter was folded tightly in her hand, and she put it behind her back as she came into full view.
Mrs Patmore's face dropped, and she nervously knocked an onion to the floor, her face clearly showing the nerves, like it always did, when she was faced with one of the members of the house. "I'm sorry, My Lady."
Edith looked at Mrs Patmore with a confused expression before bending down and picking up the onion that had now rolled over to her foot. "Whatever for?"
Mrs Patmore froze and looked at Anna for some help, her mind trying to think of some words and justification for her apology. "W-well, you know," Mrs Patmore paused. "Well, actually, I'm not sure. I panicked."
Edith smirked and let out a light and hearty laugh before placing the onion onto the side where it had previously sat, trying not to make the situation any more awkward than it already was. "Please, Mrs Patmore, I'm here to see Anna. I'm not in the way am I?"
Anna kept the polite smile on her lips, her mind running through the most reasonable explanation for the visit, before moving towards Lady Edith. "No, we're fine. Did you need some help with anything?"
Edith side-eyed Bates, who teetered now on the edge of the kitchen entrance, his face had that professional stoic expression now planted firmly in place. It was a stark contrast to the smile he had spread on his face a few moments before, obviously caught up in something with these two women. Edith preferred it when he smiled, when they all smiled in fact. It made her feel a little uncomfortable sometimes, to bother them when they were downstairs, as this was more their realm. They were more their selves away from the family, and it felt a little intrusive even though it was her home. "I would just like to talk to Anna if that's ok?"
Bates stepped forward. "Would you like us to leave, Lady Edith?" he said calmly.
Anna shook her head. "Mrs Patmore wants to get this beef prepared for tomorrow. We could use Mrs Hughes' sitting room? She's on her way up to the hospital so she won't be around."
Mrs Patmore stood tentatively on her tiptoes, trying to figure out of she was going to have to rush out of the way, or if she was going to be left alone with the slab of beef as she had intended in the first place. "That's probably a good idea," she said hesitantly, letting go of the meat cleaver when she realised her knuckles had gone white from the grip she had on it. "It's more private there."
Edith just smiled in response, before nodding her head. "Perfect. Shall we?"
The pair of them walked in awkward silence as they headed towards Mrs Hughes' sitting room. Anna had been in the house for some time and had also spent quite a bit of time with Lady Edith, but their relationship was nowhere near on the level of familiarity as it was with Mary. Anna rarely found her voice when in conversation with the middle child, whereas with Lady Sybil and Lady Mary she felt at ease and certainly more sisterly. Anna wasn't much different in age to the Crawley sisters, but she did feel like an older sister to the eldest and had done with the youngest and it was nice. Anna saw Lady Edith cover herself from the chill. "We could go upstairs? It takes a long time to warm the rooms down here, especially as Mrs Hughes hasn't had her fire on for a while, she's been so busy."
"Oh, no. Don't be silly. I'll be fine."
When they both entered Mrs Hughes' pantry, Anna noticed that the room was a little distressed. There were bits of paper sprawled over her desk, a stack of Mr Carson's books on the floor, a thin cardigan draped over her armchair, and a half-eaten sandwich sat on the table. Anna quickly picked the cardigan up and hung it on the coat rack, and moved a few items to one side. It must look bad when the head Housekeeper wasn't able to keep her sitting room in immaculate condition, but Mrs Hughes had been very distracted. Not only had she had to pick up the slack from the absence of Mr Carson, but also she had spent most of her downtime at the hospital when she was able, and when not there she was getting as much rest as she could. Anna had come down one of the mornings previously to find Mrs Hughes slumped at her desk, an uneaten sandwich by her right hand and a pen in another. There were bits of paper where she had taken notes and written a jobs list to help her keep on top of things. Anna had been getting to the house an hour earlier every morning to get ahead of her normal tasks, and on that day she had draped a blanket over Mrs Hughes and left her sleep just a little while longer. As she had left she had closed the door and told whoever was floating around that Mrs Hughes was busy, but it was obvious when she had walked into the kitchen with her bleary-eyed expression that she had been asleep. Anna had asked her on a few occasions if she was ok, but the reply was always flat and empty. There were dark circles under her eyes, and she trudged on like a warrior, determined to keep the building in one piece, and also give Mr Carson as much of her attention as she was able. It didn't matter really that her room was a bit messy, because everything upstairs was as it should be. There were a few things that weren't to specification, as Mr Carson would say, but nobody had noticed. Anna hadn't wanted to press, given how thin Mrs Hughes had been stretched, but she kept a watchful eye on her whenever she could and made sure that she ate something. At breakfast, Anna would make sure that she ate at least one piece of toast in as subtle a fashion as she was able.
"Please forgive the slight mess, My Lady. It's all a bit topsy turvy still at the moment." Anna smiled thinly and made sure the door closed behind them. "Is everything ok, Lady Edith?"
Edith flattened the envelope out into her hand, thumbing the top, going over the written words in her mind and wondering what Anna would make of them. "Oh, yes, everything is fine," she said hesitantly before lifting the envelope so it was in Anna's line of sight. "I found this in Lady Mary's room. It's addressed to you."
Anna could see the envelope had been tampered with and raised her eyebrows in confusion as she took it from the other woman's hand. The writing on the front was very familiar, having seen it many times over the years; the delicate scrawl was Lady Mary's. "It's open, My Lady?" Instantly, Anna's mind exploded into an erratic line of thinking, wondering what could be written inside. Why would she write a letter? Was it a request? A confession?
Lady Edith felt little in regards to the fact that it was open, as in her mind she had opened it with the intentions of seeing if it would help find Mary, regardless of if that had been the actual truth. "Yes. I'm sorry. I found it when Mary was missing and I thought it might have held something important that would help find her. In all the worry and stress I forgot to pass it on until now."
Anna nodded, wondering if that had been the case, but chose not to follow through with any questioning. The envelope was one of the thick writing ones that Mary used from time to time, her delicate and precise writing tracked over the front. Anna moved toward the light, like a moth to a flame, and pulled the writing paper from beneath it, angling it in the best way she could so she could take it all in. It seemed strange that Lady Mary would write to her, and so it felt like she had to hold the paper with delicate hands, a little scared of the possibilities that were flowing through the dried ink at her fingertips.
Edith watched intently, observing the way Anna's eyes jerked from left to right, her eyes telling her reaction well before her face did. Edith had read the letter a few times and could tell instinctively each part that Anna got to, and it was somewhat fascinating. There was a realisation, fear, worry and shock all amalgamated into one solitary gaze. Edith was sure that her reaction had not been so animated.
"Oh, my," Anna faltered, letting her mind work through the words again, trying to get to grips with what they really meant. When she fully realised the true meaning and message in the words, she felt a deep penetrating sadness. Had Mary been that broken? Of course, she had, how had Anna not seen it? It was as clear as a summer's day. The writing was careful and purposeful, it hadn't been written in haste. The words on the page were written with deep and broken emotion, the thoughts and feelings carefully premeditated and with purpose. This was not decided on a whim. Anna should have been there and stopped it.
Edith had waited patiently for Anna to come up with some sort of response, but the maid's mouth just hung open and her eyes fixed onto a single spot on the paper. It was obvious that she was upset, which she supposed would be touching to Mary to know that Anna was so moved by her words. "It's rather selfish, isn't it?" Edith queried, trying to further gauge Anna's thoughts. "I mean, she was going to leave her parents, friends and her son."
Anna felt a pang of anger at the pit of her stomach as she returned her gaze to the younger woman before her. Mary had always said that Lady Edith had been bitter and filled with resentment of what Mary had, and it was in this moment that Anna could see it loud and clear. It was hard for her to hold her tongue, but knowing her place and knowing that there was likely more to the visit then just to give the letter, she kept her real feelings quiet. "Well, Lady Edith. I don't think it would be fair for me to pass comment on a situation I have never experienced."
Edith picked up on the slight tinge of anger in both Anna's words and her gaze but thought nothing more than that. What Edith wanted, was to find the other letters, and she knew that Anna would be able to find them. It felt like Edith should get one, and she wasn't sure if that's what she was after, or if she was just intrigued by the potentially comforting words were for other people. "The other letters, Anna, do you know where they are?"
That was it, Anna thought to herself, it wasn't out of concern or to deliver the letter to the correct addressee, but to see who the other letters were for and what they contained. Either that, or it was because Edith wanted to paint Mary in a certain light. "I'm not sure, to be honest. There are many places I could think of that she could be referring to." Anna was flat out lying, she knew exactly where they were but didn't want to give the game away. They were Mary's letters, and reading what she had in her hand, it should be Mary's decision on whether they should be given to their addressees or destroyed.
"Well, we could go and have a look now? I think we should give them back to Mary so she can do with them as she sees fit." Edith hadn't realised that this was going to be as straightforward as she had first thought, and that irritated her.
Anna knew that she was going to have to stand firm, and remain oblivious. If Mary had not been found, then Anna could understand why it would be so pressing to find the letters, but given the fact that she was alive and well, Mary could find them and sort them herself. "It's late, My Lady, and I need to think about all of the possible places."
Edith kept her eyes fixed on Anna's to see if she would falter, but she never did, and so she couldn't decide if she was telling the truth. "It's quite important, Anna."
The door to the room opened quickly, and Mrs Hughes came in, her face pale and vacant until she realised that two people were standing in the room. Confused, she took a step back and hesitated. "Oh, Lady Edith. I apologise, I just came to grab something. I need to make sure that everything is ready for the morning before I go up to the hospital."
Anna's eyes were wide, and she looked out to Mrs Hughes to plea with her for some help. Normally Mrs Hughes was able to read these situations well, but given how tired she was she could easily miss it. However, when Mrs Hughes locked eyes with Anna she could see it straight away and so she pushed the door closed and moved towards them. In the maid's hand was a letter, and Mrs Hughes had caught Lady Edith glancing at it before looking away. "Is everything ok?" Mrs Hughes said cautiously.
"Lady Edith was just asking for my help, Mrs Hughes." Anna kept her eyes fixed on Mrs Hughes, hoping that she could get out of this situation somehow.
"Oh," Mrs Hughes said in a faked annoyed voice. "Well, I've sent all of the maid's to bed and I was going to ask Anna to come and give me a hand. I need someone confident and who will get the job quickly, and as it's so late, we need to make sure everything is ready for tomorrow. Is it urgent, Lady Edith?"
Lady Edith could easily demand that Anna help her, but she knew that that particular behaviour may not get her the results she wished for, but she had to try. "Well, it won't take too long."
"What was it you needed help with, Mrs Hughes?" Anna folded the envelope gently and placed it between her hands.
"Well, we need to set up the room for breakfast, get all of the shutters closed, set the doors up for the night. I need you to help me write up a list of any aged jobs you've noticed so we can get that done tomorrow." Mrs Hughes was tired, and actually just wanted to get to the hospital, so the annoyance and strain in her voice were not put on anymore.
"Well, it's fine," Lady Edith said flatly. "I suppose I can pick this up with Anna tomorrow."
"It'll give me time to think, My Lady. As I said, there are quite a few places she has referred to before if I'm honest. There are likely many more. The house is rather large and it might not be as straight forward as we think." Anna tried to hold a smile as she spoke, keeping her face as genuine as she could. What she didn't want to do was let on to the fact that there was only one place, and she wanted to keep that a secret. Anna knew if she had to go on a wild goose chase around the house with Lady Edith in tow, she would do just that until she could get them and talk to Lady Mary.
Lady Edith gave both of the women a blank gaze before retreating to the door. "Right, well ok. Tomorrow then. Don't let me keep you from your work."
Anna and Mrs Hughes waited patiently for Lady Edith to climb the stairs before the door was closed. Mrs Hughes sighed and pulled her cardigan from the rack. "Whatever is the matter?"
Anna still felt annoyed and shocked, the letter in her hand making her feel a whirlwind of individual emotions. It made her ultimately feel sad that Lady Mary couldn't talk to her about this, and sad because she hadn't been able to help her and prevent her from doing what was so clearly an act of desperation. "This letter is from Lady Mary to me. It refers to some other letters that she placed somewhere safe for me to find. Lady Edith wants me to get them and give them to her so she can read them, shame Lady Mary or I don't know what. They're not mine to give out in this situation. Lady Edith has already opened and read mine, which is more than she should have done in the first place."
Mrs Hughes had no mental capacity to try and follow this storyline, her mind flitting to the time and to the fact she wanted to get going. It all seemed a bit far-fetched if she was honest. A part of her wanted to ask what the letter said to get Anna in such a mess, but at the same time, she knew that potentially it would make her angry and so she chose to ignore it. "Right, well, it might be worth talking to Lady Mary about that before Lady Edith pulls rank and drags it out of you. We all know she will if she has to."
Anna nodded, and tucked the letter into the small pocket in her outfit, she was going to read that again before bed she knew it. There were so many questions she had, so many angles she could take the words if she tried, but she knew that ultimately the letter was a form of goodbye. "Yes. Thank you, Mrs Hughes."
"Yes. Well, I don't have a lot of time. I need to get going." Mrs Hughes wrapped the cardigan around her body tightly before reaching for her coat. The weather was still very cold at night, and although she had been allowed the use of the car, she knew the air could still bite.
"Mrs Hughes, please look after yourself. You don't at all look well."
Mrs Hughes kept her gaze away from Anna, and pulled her jacket on, trying to get the buttons done up quickly so she could get out of there and away from Anna's evaluating eye. "I'm fine. I'm alive. I'll be ok."
"You haven't stopped to give yourself five minutes of rest. This sort of behaviour is fine in the short term, but we don't know when Mr Carson will be back, and so you need to treat it like a marathon and not a sprint. I'll get Mrs Patmore to make you some food to take with you, but can I please suggest you give yourself a night off to get some proper sleep. You look like you're going to fall over at any minute." Anna moved a little closer to Mrs Hughes who had raised her head in exasperation. "I mean it, you need to look after yourself."
"I feel guilty enough leaving him there on his own all day. I couldn't bear it if I didn't go there and he woke up alone in the dark. I can do this, Anna. I can." Mrs Hughes could feel herself begin to falter, that strained feeling she got in her throat before she was going to cry. It was hard, she was exhausted, but she knew that she had a purpose in all this now. It terrified her enough that he might not wake up, and so each minute not spent with him was agonising.
"It's not just me though, Mrs Hughes. People are noticing. Falling asleep at your desk, you're hardly touching your food. I know it's just a house and just a job and that in the grander scheme of things it doesn't matter, I just don't want you to burn out. I don't want anyone to say a bad word against you. You're getting, what, no more than 2 hours asleep a night? You're not eating enough, and you're doing two people's jobs. I get it, there's a lot to do, but let us help, I don't mind. I'd rather feel the pinch and know that you're giving yourself a bit of time than see you burn away into nothing. I don't want you taking a turn and then we lose both of you." Anna stood firm in her spot, her hand now resting on Mrs Hughes' arm, the frustration and care she felt towards the older woman was stirring strongly within her. At the end of the day though, she knew that there was only so much she could say or do to try and persuade her. Mrs Hughes had her battle and was going about it in the way she felt she could.
"Please, Anna. I don't want to fight about this," Mrs Hughes mumbled defeatedly, sighing and hanging her head.
There was a small mirror on the table that normally resided upstairs, but Anna had noticed it and picked it up before lifting it in front of Mrs Hughes' face. "Look at yourself, Mrs Hughes. Just have a look."
Mrs Hughes looked over the top of it at first, determined not to look at the truth reflecting at her. It wasn't until Anna shoved the mirror up higher, that her eyes focused on the stranger staring back at her. Mrs Hughes had, for many years, been able to sort herself out without a mirror, and so she had avoided her reflection as she had tried to tread water. When she finally locked onto her face, she saw what Anna saw, and it was a frightful sight. Stray hairs were sitting on her temples where they had come free from her normally tight hairdo. The skin on her face was at least three shades lighter, the colour drained along with her energy. Beneath her eyes were now puffed up dark circles, and her eyes were bloodshot. It was true, she looked a mess, but no matter what she knew she couldn't face not being there, because it scared her to take her foot off the accelerator. "I know, Anna, I know, but what else can I do? I don't want to leave him."
"Mrs Hughes," Anna begged, taking her hands. "You leave him every day to come and graft from dawn until dusk. You can't be there all of the time and you know that. I just want you to get yourself a little bit of rest. Can you imagine what he would say if he saw how you looked now? He would tell you with as much force as he could muster, to get yourself to bed. Do you want him to wake, with you by his side, all fizzled out and exhausted?"
"Well no b-"
"But nothing. I know you are going to go there, and I know you feel like you need to be there, so tonight just come back a few hours early and go to bed. In the morning I'll start getting the house ready. I've worked here long enough to know what needs to be done-"
"No, it's not right, I-"
"They'll all be in bed. The only people up will be Mrs Patmore, Daisy and the maids. I can handle it. Then, get up just in time to be down here for breakfast, feeling a little more human and having taken care of you for a few extra hours. It will do you the world of good." Anna tried to smile at her, but she could see that Mrs Hughes looked panicked. "I won't let you down. I promise."
Mrs Hughes felt like she could sleep for a week, her mind and body creaking and juddering through each hour like an old a broken carriage. If she would normally have to be here anyway, it would be the same as if she was working, but just taking a few hours to sleep. It made sense, she supposed, and so she nodded. "Fine. Ok."
Anna liked it when she was able to make people see sense, and so she opened the door to the sitting room and began walking out to the kitchen. "I'll get you something to take with you. You hardly touched your dinner earlier."
Mrs Hughes let out an almighty sigh. There were many amazing qualities about that woman that some people let slip by, she was kind, moral and resourceful and also very good at reading people. Ultimately though, what was at the forefront of every breath and thought, was Carson, and she hoped with all her might that he would be ok for more reasons than just the running of the house. The more the days went on, the bleaker the outcome seemed to be, and she wasn't ready to face that just yet. As each hour passed without him, the more the aching in her chest seemed to increase. Please, Charlie, Please.
Robert liked to think that he was a simple man. Yes, he was gifted with the life of a Lord where he could have almost anything he wanted, go anywhere he liked and had minimal limitations in the depth and breadth of his large world. However, as he sat silently, contemplating his life and the things in which he had in it, it dawned on him how complicated his life seemed at times. There were things in his world he wished he could take away, and things he wished were simpler. As a figurehead of the old world, his strength and leadership commanding respect and exuding dignity, he looked on at the people who were less fortunate than him with a tinge of envy. Robert was clear, he wouldn't want to change his life for the world, but it didn't stop him wondering how life would be if he lived like someone on a regular level. Was regular even the word? Less fortunate, is more what he meant.
If Robert thought about what he might have had if he was born into a family who lived a meagre life, a life where money and land were not on the forefront of life, it would be different, but definitely simpler. In his head, he envisioned a small cottage, like the ones on the estate, a loving wife, a few children and a garden. It would be normal for him to go off to work, graft hard, earn a wage and come home to a warm home. As soon as he walked out of his work, his workday would be over and he could spend time with his family. It wasn't massively different to what he had now, but the stresses of running an estate were never over, they never fully evaporated from his mind and there were things he had missed out on or hadn't noticed because the cogs in his mind were constantly turning. There was a permanent tension that sat across his shoulders like an anvil, penetrating his muscles with a deep and cold heaviness. If his daughter had been in a similar situation in another world, he might have noticed her direction or thought about it above the running of the estate as he had.
The chair Robert sat on was old, having been in the family for years, but it still provided him with some sort of support for his tired body. Demons manifested themselves internally, and thinking over things constantly could lead you down a deep and dark path; Mary's downfall he knew. There was a dull ache that spread through his being like a toxin, leaving him feeling dishevelled and low, leaving him flat and unable to bounce back up. Exhaustion could manifest itself in a physical, emotional and mental way and Robert knew that it was likely an amalgamation of everything that must have created his current state. It hadn't been long since Bates had dressed him and left him to his own devices, but the clock started to chime and he realised it had been much longer than he had thought. Time was moving in mysterious ways these days, and he couldn't even tell you what the day of the week was. The coring exhaustion sat deep within his bones, his muscles and even his mind was stubborn like his Mama in a debate. The lead jacket that kept him in his place had no letup, and so just for a moment, he let himself lean heavily into the stiff old cushion behind him.
Cora was going to stay home this evening, and he looked forward to being able to sit in bed with her and feel her warmth against him as she gave him that familiar solace. It amazed him how her strength could shine through in the darkest of days, how she drove herself forward without a second thought or grumble, but he was glad that she was going to be here to have her downtime that evening. In the months before, when Mary began her downward spiral, Cora had sobbed into his shoulder in bed as she worried painfully about their daughter. It was Robert that said that she would be fine over time, and not to put too much on her or disturb her. It was Robert that was in the wrong as a mother's intuition was far more tuned than his.
The clicking of the door behind him made him snap out of his inner thoughts and turn his head slightly to watch as Cora walked up behind him. As he looked he knew she was giving him that piercing blue gaze, sizing up his posture and his face before saying anything. Cora was perceptive; she watched and took a lot of information in before talking, although sometimes the American bluntness took over.
"Darling," she whispered warmly, her hand resting on the back of his neck as she moved to the front of him. "You look beat."
Robert shifted his gaze to hers, watching as she peered down at him with a concerned look. "I certainly feel it, and then some. I can't believe how much it has taken out of me. I shouldn't complain, you've been through the worst of it too with very little reprieve," Robert grumbled, his hand reaching out to take hers. On impulse, Robert tugged gently and gave his wife a puppy-dog look before pulling her into his lap. As she sat, her body side-on against his chest, he let out a sigh; his body thankful for the pressure on his aching bones. The heat that emanated from her body soothed him like a hot water bottle so he leant into her and rested his face against her arm.
Cora raised her eyebrows, her husband's actions surprising her, but thankful for the contact between them. If she thought about it, she hadn't lied at all, she had just avoided the truth about how exhausted she felt. The days had felt long, an aching worry sitting in her chest like barbed wire wrapped tightly around her heart. Now that Mary was awake and seemingly ok, it had eased slightly and so she had decided to spend an evening at home. What she was looking forward to was being in her bed, with her husband and in a warm and cosy environment. As she looked into Robert's eyes she could see how defeated he was and so she brought her hand up to his cheek and gave it a rub. Their relationship had been through the mill over the years, and although they had always kept most of their physical affection behind closed doors, they hadn't been this close for some time. Robert had always been rigid, and her American ways as he had called them, had taken some time for him to accept and ultimately appreciate. The English aristocratic lifestyle had left her feeling cold, but she had been able to win him over, their time alone had become more enjoyable and warm. "Are you ok, Robert?"
Robert's initial reply sounded like a grunt, and he raised his arms and wrapped them tightly around her waist, drawing her body as close to him as he could muster. The angle she had against him meant her hip sat against his stomach, and his head was the right height to lean against her shoulder, so he did just that. "I will be," he mumbled, taking in a deep breath and sighing so heavily it seemed to drag on for an age. "I just can't shake this tiredness and chill. I feel as if my bones are ice and my body is covered in lead."
Cora could feel the tension in his body, thick and heavy as he leant his head against the outside of her upper arm. Robert wasn't a young man anymore and severe exhaustion meant he couldn't bounce back like he had been able to years before. Admiration was what she felt because he had gone out of his way, with everything that he had and made sure that he brought Mary home. As Cora leant into Robert, she lifted her arm up and away from his face and hooked it around his head so she cradled it in her arm. There was a fine stubble on his face, which she rarely felt, and so she let her thumb run up and down his cheek. "Shall we get you into bed?"
Robert's head shook in her arm. "Let me enjoy this for a few moments more. Having you home and here is very therapeutic for my aching body. You have no idea." As he let his body fill with warmth from her he loosened his grip on her waist and brought his left hand onto her upper thigh. "How are you doing, honestly?"
Cora took a moment to align her thoughts and take stock of what was going on in her head. Everything had felt like a whirlwind, it wasn't a lie, and so she had let the wind take her and direct her without much thought about just how tired she felt. There was still a niggling feeling within her that she couldn't shake, a worry for her daughter that bit at the back of every thought and feeling. Could she have done more to prevent this? What had she missed to let it go this far? "I think I'm ok. I do feel like I haven't slept in an age, and it makes me feel sick to know that our daughter has done this. Did we do wrong by her, Robert? Is it our fault that we let her carry on in the way that she did for so long?"
"Oh behave, Cora. You saw and felt it long before the rest of us. Do you not remember how upset you got that evening? How I told you that she would be ok if we just let her take her own course? I should have listened to you. Please don't feel guilty, I beg you because I feel that it's partly my fault." Robert shook his head and sighed, leaning further into her cradling arm, seeking comfort from her.
"If you're partly to fault, then so am I," she said lightly, trying to ease his worries.
"Mary will be ok, won't she?" Robert mumbled sadly. "What did Dr Clarkson say about her and Carson?"
Cora lifted her head and stared into the distance, composing her thoughts and thinking about how to reply. It was obvious that Robert was beating himself up about it, so she contemplated the words that Dr Clarkson said, but knew she couldn't sugar coat it. "Carson hasn't had much of a change, but he's trying to be positive. Physically Mary's going to be fine. It's the effect of the grief that's going to have lasting issues. Dr Clarkson has a friend who specialises in psychiatry that he said we could contact if she doesn't get any better. I'm hoping it won't come to that because it makes me feel a bit nervous about sending her to one of those people." Cora carried on rubbing his cheek.
"What's worse, my darling? Having her see someone that could help? Or have her end up in this situation again? Not in control of her actions and ending up in a state. If Dr Clarkson thinks it's a good idea then we should try it, regardless of what people think, we think or what she wants to do. It's not a game and we came close to it all being over for her. I couldn't stomach it if it happened. I couldn't lose another."
Cora, hearing his words, contorted her body so she could wrap both of her arms around him, pulling him into an awkward side embrace. "No. Me neither. Oh, come now; let's not talk about this, darling. I've had enough of all this deep and penetrating unhappiness. Let's get into bed and get us some rest. We can face this together tomorrow; hopefully feeling rejuvenated and take stock of the situation. Maybe we could talk to Mary tomorrow?"
"Maybe. I'm not sure. You're right though, let's get some rest. I've missed having you by my side."
Cora smiled softly, tracing her fingers down and around his face. "I love you."
"Not as much as I love you," Robert smiled, leaning up to give her a quick kiss before she got up off of his lap.
Cora led him by the hand, his feet dragging haphazardly on the floor as he moved heavily towards the bed. Gently, she tugged the covers back and waited patiently for him to get into bed, smirking as she looked at his wide-eyed expression as she pointed to the space she wanted him to get in. "Putting me to bed?"
"Get in," she demanded playfully. "You'll thank me in the morning."
Robert raised his tired legs and climbed under the sheets before pulling the covers up and over his body. Watching as Cora walked around the other side of the bed, he shuffled himself down so his head rested heavily into the fluffed up pillows, subconsciously sighing as he did. The covers and mattress offered instant relief and he closed his eyes as he let it all overcome him. The bed dipped to his side and he opened himself up to Cora, leaning his arm outwards so she could lie against him. "I've missed this," he said truthfully, feeling her lean in and rest her head on his shoulder. Instinctively, he wrapped his arm around her so he could pull her as close in as he could, and he smiled as she rested her hand on his chest.
Cora smiled contently up at Robert's peaceful face, his eyes closed tightly and his lips slightly ajar as he took in some sleepy breaths. Cora shuffled her body upwards slightly, so the bottom of his chin was right above her head and she lifted her head so she could give him a gentle kiss before nestling herself in. "Goodnight."
"Goodnight," Robert replied in a slur, the heaviness of the impending sleep filling his words. The familiar and rhythmic breaths of his pre-sleep haze were upon him, and Cora knew it wouldn't be long until he was fully asleep, the years making his sleep patterns second nature.
Cora lay there for a short time, waiting patiently for the drawn-out breaths that accompanied his sleep, and the snore he got when he was really tired. Once he was asleep she was going to let herself drift off too, feeling the sleep lingering behind her eyes as she lay there. It was comforting, the way her head rose and fell against his chest as he breathed, the air from his mouth passing over her. The covers were warm against her skin, and her feet sought out his beneath the covers. It was always strange how her feet always felt cool unless they were tucked in against his, intertwined gently. It always felt better when she rested her knee so that it sat over his thigh, keeping as much of her touching his body as she could. It was familiar, it was warm, it was loving and it was home. There was still that niggling feeling in her stomach, and she knew that there was still so much that she needed to tackle, that they needed to tackle, but for this peaceful and intimate moment with her husband, she just wanted to be. They were one, a whole, and although they battled and had their differences, in the end, they needed each other and were right for each other, no matter what anyone else thought. Cora loved Robert and Robert loved Cora, and aside from their children, he was the best thing that had ever happened to her, even if it had taken her time to see.
