Chapter 18 Everything is Real

Simon:

When I meet Penny for lunch the next day, her eyes are full of questions. We hug and a hostess seats us, but the questions start bubbling up out of Penny's mouth before we even have our coats off.

"Well? Something to tell me about you and Baz?"

I take a deep breath and smile. Technically it's still a secret, but I can't keep hiding something like this from her, especially if she's going to ask about it directly. She's a good friend and deserves to know. Plus, I'm happy. I want to tell her.

"We've been seeing each other awhile now. We're boyfriends."

"I knew it! How long?"

"You won't be mad if I tell you?"

"Mad-? Has this been going on awhile?"

"Over three months."

"No. Way. Why the secrecy? How did you even hide it that long?"

I sigh. "Penny, it's not easy coming out of the closet. Plus now I have this tour to start and I'm supposed to be thinking about my image. So I want you to know about it, but we're not telling everyone else yet, okay?"

"Of course that's your choice, but how could you sit on something this big for so long… without telling me? I thought we were closer. Hell; I thought Baz and I were closer."

"I'm sorry, Penny. It hasn't been easy. I've wanted to tell you. And Baz would have told you everything from the start, but I made him keep it a secret. Don't be mad at Baz."

"You definitely could have told me on one of our movie nights," she observes, peevishly. I must look distressed, though, because she lets up on me. "So how serious are the two of you?"

I don't pause before telling her, "We love each other, Penny. We are as serious as it gets."

"Simon-!" She sighs and tries to continue in a softer voice. "I get that you felt like it had to be a secret, but how can I not feel left out? I should have gotten to be part of your happiness sooner."

"Sorry."

"Well, the main thing is you're happy. You get a bit of a scold but I'm not going to keep pouting." We hug.

Then Penny chuckles to herself.

"What?" I ask, curious.

"Nothing… just that I thought Baz was going to be a dusty old gentleman bachelor for at least another decade."

"Ha…not likely-! Baz is hot stuff," I say emphatically, as she snorts. "I look forward to the day I can tell all the guys that he is officially off the market."

We share a laugh, and it feels good.

The waitress takes our order and we continue talking things through as we wait for our food. "If you love Baz and you're sure about him and this relationship, Simon, I don't think you need to keep on hiding it. There's no reason, in this day and age. People aren't going to hold it against you. But they might hold secrecy against you. Why not let your fans know right from the start?"

I raise my eyebrows. I've never thought of it that way. "Well, we've already kind of committed to keeping the secret till after the tour is done. But once it's done, forget it. We're not going to live our whole lives hiding the truth."

"Your whole lives, huh? Sounds like a serious relationship, indeed."

When I first entered the restaurant with her I had no plan to tell her about the engagement, but now I feel like I better come clean.

"I asked him to marry me and he said yes."

"Simon. Another thing you should have told me immediately." But she comes over to hug me again. I give her a bear hug.

"From now on I'm telling you everything," I say. "Will you be in the wedding?"

"Of course!"

"As my 'best man'?"

"How about as your best friend?"

Before we part ways that day she teasingly asks me if there is anything else I've been waiting to reveal… for example, have we adopted a child or are we moving to America or anything like that? I reassure her that no, now she knows "all the dirt"... but then I think about it, and add "Baz and I have been living together for months, at his place. I keep my place 'for show'; I'm hardly ever there."

"Christ, Simon… it's like you've been a double-agent spy."

"Guess there's more to me than you thought, huh?" I ask, grinning. But then I look at her more seriously. "Are we still, okay, Pen? Now that you know all this about me-? I don't mean the engagement… I knew you'd be fine with me and Baz. I mean that I kept secrets. That I haven't always been an open book to you… or myself."

"Simon, you are my best friend. No matter what. There are probably several hundred things you don't know about me, as well, but I still expect you to be my friend."

"What kind of things, Penny?"

"I don't know… nothing terribly big. But you get my point. Even good friends get to have boundaries… and their own time table. As long as they 'fess up, eventually."

"I like what you're saying but I think you made that up, just for me. To make me feel better."

"Did it work?"

"Yes, Penny." I give her a BIG hug.

And even though I just ate lunch, I feel about ten pounds lighter. Secrets have a way of weighing you down.

Baz:

This isn't going to be anywhere near as easy as meeting Ebb was.

Last night we had dinner with Ebb, in the house Simon spent his last few years of high school in… his last foster home. Ebb is a kind-hearted middle-aged lady who never married but acted as "mother" to many kids over the years, including a troubled and delinquent young Simon. She gave him a chance and some much-needed stability. And, of course, when she took him in she gave him the breathing room he needed to get comfortable with his own big heart, something I can't thank her enough for. He could have ended up repressed and bitter, but he's not that at all.

She let us know how happy she was for both of us, and gave me a big hug immediately. Then she asked me a bunch of questions about myself, which surprisingly I didn't mind answering at all… they were kind questions. When we left Ebb's later that night, especially since it came at the tail-end of a day when he had talked to Penny, too, Simon was walking on air.

If I ever had any doubts about whether he seriously wanted to marry me, the past 24 hours put all that to rest.

But now we're on our way to meet MY family. And I don't anticipate a walk in the park.

I try to warn Simon on the way over that they won't make it easy. That my dad will have a cold aloof manner about him and ask questions that make Simon feel like there are no good answers. And that my siblings will be annoying, and… that Fiona will be Fiona. She'll say something humiliating, for sure.

"Baz, they can give me their worst. It's worth it, because I have you. I'm going to make them love me."

I know that's not going to happen in one night, so I'm a nervous wreck the whole drive over. I just hope nobody says anything that devastates Simon too much. I hope I keep my cool. I hope I sense the exact moment when one of them decides to say their most awful thing and I nip it in the bud first with a withering look.

We hold hands for most of the drive, so that helps. I'm in love with Simon but this life we've been living feels like it exists in a whole other universe beyond the one my family lives in. If we're ever going to get married we need to somehow combine those two worlds, but there has to be a (big) collision first. As I think about that collision with dread, Simon gives my hand a squeeze. "We got this."

So now we're pulling up the driveway. The house is very large… it's a whole estate, really. There are stone steps leading up to the front door, which is actually a set of doors that open stylishly into a formal entrance. The family home is old but Daphne has personalized it in many ways with stylish new additions which father has allowed — a testament to his love for her, if ever there was one.

Daphne must have seen us pull up; she greets us at the door. "Basilton," she says, drawing me into an embrace before turning to Simon. She reaches her hand out and Simon takes it. "You must be Simon."

"Yes, ma'am. Thank you for inviting me for dinner."

"Well of course; we're very excited to meet Baz's new special friend. Won't you come in?"

So that's what we're calling Simon. My "special friend." That's not a very good start if even Daphne can't come out and say it… I told her and Father very specifically over the phone that Simon was my boyfriend. Sigh.

Father, Delia, and Morticia are waiting in the foyer, at a bit of a distance. I don't see her at first, but there's Fiona, leaning against a door frame, nursing a cocktail and smirking, somewhat.

Here we go.

Simon:

I've never had such a fancy meal in my life. I knew Baz was rich but meeting his family has been a huge wake-up call: he's filthy rich. He was so busy worrying about their personalities and them being mean to me… I wish he'd warned me what to do if there is more than one fork by my plate. Because I have no clue.

I decide to treat the evening like a performance… I am going to act like I know what I'm doing and charm the pants off this "crowd". I do my best to politely answer their questions and make my shit life sound respectable (without outright lying about anything).

Daphne is an angel. She keeps the conversation going and helps smooth the bumps out of any awkwardness introduced by the rest of us. Baz's dad, of course, immediately starts grilling me about my family, job, and plans for the future. Some of his questions are very detailed, and he mostly keeps a poker face when I answer, but sometimes I see his eyes bulge a little, and sometimes he coughs. At one point he says, very emphatically, "Basilton's future lies with Pitch Publishing. A very respectable and stable future that will take place in the London area."

Baz is pretty quiet most of the evening, although he does respond to that comment with a dry, "You certainly have a clear view of my future, Father. Are you psychic, then?"

Lots of raised eyebrows, a snort from Mordelia, tittering from Fiona, and a flurry of distractive comments from Daphne, after that one.

Fiona's most memorable comment of the evening definitely was, "So are you lovers, then?"

NO ONE answered that question. There was a lot of coughing around the table and glances at the children while a pleased-with-herself Fiona laughed and said loudly, "Of course, I'm kidding."

At the end of the evening, as Baz drove us out of the driveway and back toward our flat, there was mostly just this feeling of incredible relief: "There. That's done." And maybe some hysterical laughter, followed by an emphatic desire to get us somewhere to begin drinking alcohol immediately.

Baz:

We stop at a pub on the way home.

"That was bloody brilliant, Simon."

"What?"

"Everything that just happened. You met my family… you faced them. You answered their questions and were nice to them… and the world didn't explode. We got through it and now we're still together and we're having a bloody drink."

"Of course that's what happened, Baz. I love you."

"It's such a relief. It's a miracle."

"Baz, let's go back to our place."

Music to my ears.

In an hour, we're home and have kicked off our shoes. We're on the couch after taking a shower, and Simon is kissing me. It's so good… it's always good. We're kissing but I can't stop touching his face, because he's so precious to me.

I feel strange. My heart feels wide open, and I pull away long enough to say, "Simon, whatever happens… promise me we'll always be together."

"We will always be together, Baz."

"I mean no matter what happens."

"What do you imagine is going to happen?"

"Well, you could meet someone else… make a mistake. When you're on the road. That's no reason to break up with me, Simon. I'll forgive you."

He inhales sharply. "Don't say that, Baz. Don't even think it. That is never going to happen."

"I don't think it will. I'm just saying IF it does, don't give up on us. Give me a chance to forgive you. Because I will."

"Baz," he says, and his face is getting flushed… he's angry. "Don't go offering me something like that. Number one it hurts me that a thought like that would even cross your mind. And number two, you need to expect more of me, more for yourself. You're not the kind of guy who should ever be in a position to forgive your fiance for something like that. You deserve to be treated like a goddamn king."

"I can't help thinking about terrible things that could happen. I'm afraid for you to go."

"If you can get away from the book shop…"

"... I know I can," I say.

"Then you come see me, after Agatha's gone. Stay with me, travel with me for as long as you want."

"What will the guys think?"

"I don't care. It'll be fine. Baz, I don't want you to have crazy thoughts about things going wrong with us. I want you to be with me so you see everything is fine."

"I'm sorry I'm such a mess over this. I trust you, Simon… I just don't trust… life. How can my life be this good? When is life going to kick me in the teeth and take you away from me?"

"Baz, no. Don't say that; don't even think it. Come here."

I sit closer to Simon, and he takes my hands. He looks down at them and raises them up to his lips, kissing the palm of one and then the other. Soft, lingering kisses. Then he looks up and locks eyes with me. His head is tilted a little to the side and his eyes are intense… crackling with energy.

"I think we need to go to bed for this conversation."

I feel soft and wrecked, like a wet noodle. This past week has been an emotional roller coaster for both of us. The engagement, revealing ourselves to friends, meeting the families…

And now my carefully cultivated dignity falling apart. I just offered to forgive Simon, should he ever cheat on me. Am I made of mush? Where's my self-esteem? I've just laid myself open to him, bare and vulnerable. What must he think of me?

Still holding my hands, he gets up and gives me a gentle tug up. He leads me over to the bed.

"Come here, Baz. Lay on my arm."

I do; I sink under the covers beside him and lay my head on his shoulder. He puts his arms around me and holds me close, kissing my head. We lay like that awhile as he strokes my hair and I focus on breathing, on calming down. Every time I breathe out I try to push the bad thoughts away. I try to focus instead on the nice way he's touching me.

"Feeling better, yet?" he asks, after a few minutes.

"Yes."

"Okay; good. Now let's look at each other."

I move off his shoulder and away a little bit. I'm actually afraid to look at him, at first… what if he's annoyed? But when I finally do meet his eyes, he's not annoyed… he's soft. He's got the faintest hint of a smile around his lips and his eyes are looking at me as if I'm golden.

"Baz, do I look like the kind of guy who isn't going to get a happy ending?"

"No…"

"Well, neither do you. We're both going to get our happy endings, Baz, because they're the same. We end up with each other… forever. We get married and we have our jobs and we travel together, have a house. We have breakfast and dinners out and sometimes we cook for each other. I do something dumb every now and then and you think I'm impossible. But I never cheat on you, Baz. That never happens."

"Simon… I believe you. But… can you indulge me for awhile? Can I tell you my worst fear?"

He bites his lip a little and there's a frown between his eyes, but he nods. "Right. Give it to me. Your worst fear."

I exhale deeply and roll onto my back. I close my eyes.

"How does your bisexuality fit into all this, Simon? Are you going to need women in your life too, eventually? I can't ever be a woman for you. What do I do when the time comes and I'm not enough, not all you need?"

"That's it? That's your worst?" I turn and look at him. He's smiling.

"Yes…" I say, in a slow drawl. As far as I'm concerned, this is a legitimate concern.

"Baz, I can answer that easily. Bisexuality doesn't mean I'm more prone to cheat. Does a straight woman have to worry about her straight husband cheating on her with other women?"

I raise an eyebrow at that. I don't think cheating is as uncommon as Simon thinks.

He seems to catch how silly that sounds and clarifies. "Whether a person cheats or not depends on their character, their honesty, what's going on in their relationship… a million different things. It's not all tied up in their sexuality. I wouldn't be attempting this kind of relationship with you… I wouldn't have asked you to marry me… if I didn't feel like I could give you all of the things that make a marriage real." He pauses. "I guess what I need to know, Baz, is… are you ready to be with me in that way? Believe me in that way?"

I'm looking at him intensely now; I can't look away.

What do I see? I see honesty. I see a man whose face is an open book to me. His blue eyes love me, his lips are trembling, waiting to kiss me… he's waiting breathlessly for my answer. I hold his happiness in my hands.

All I need to do is hold it together and allow myself this bit of happiness with him. Just let the good stuff happen… believe that I deserve it.

"I'm ready, Simon."

With those words, he surges toward me so his lips can press onto mine. He kisses me with a firm but gentle pressure, as if this is the kiss that seals the deal and now the "happy ever after" begins. His hands go up to my face and cradle my jawline softly. He breaks away only to look at me and whisper, "I love you, Baz." Then he starts kissing my cheek, hairline, temple, and neck.

Up to now I've been an emotional limp biscuit. But everything Simon says to me now, everything he's doing, brings me back to life. Awakens me. I'm starting to stir… and harden.

Now my hand is moving along his arm, up his bicep to his broad shoulder.

Simon:

I want him… I always want Baz. But I feel like I have some emotional repair work to do on him, first. This secrecy has been harder for him than I realized… it fed all kinds of insecurities. It was hard on Penny and it's been even harder on Baz. I'm lucky I didn't lose him.

I'm going to spoil him tonight… treat him like the best thing in the world. Leave him with no doubt that I love him and only him.

Baz:

I press myself up into him because I need to get as close as possible. He's hard against me already. That's reassuring… he's always turned on by me and ready for me in so little time. It makes me feel like the answer to his question.

I try to reach a hand down to his hardness but Simon stops me… he has his own ideas. He intercepts my hand with his own and kisses it. He turns it, palm up, to kiss the pulse of my wrist, then his lips trail further down my arm to my chest. He slowly moves lower with his gentle attention. I know what he means to do, but he's giving me all the time in the world to decide if this is right, if this is what I want, because he's going so slow and soft. I'm glad there's no rush or urgency right now; all the emotional exhaustion I'm still feeling has me wanting the familiar and comforting. And Simon is that for me, right now. He's like a safe place, like a home.

I think about how he mentioned us having a home together someday. And I realize that we already have that, in the most important sense, because wherever he is, THAT is my home.

Simon's mouth has almost reached my hardness, and I think I know what he's going to do.

But then he doesn't do it. He stays kissing my stomach and touching my hips in an almost soothing way, and it feels amazing. He's calming down all my nerves with his hands and his lips. Somehow I am relaxed and excited at the same time… how does he do that-? When bad thoughts have completely left my head and my attention is totally focused on his kisses and the gentle massages he's giving my lower body, only then does he take hold of my thighs and spread my legs wide.

I can't call THAT relaxing, since I'm pretty sure he's doing that so he can lick me soon. It's exciting as hell… my heart starts to beat faster in anticipation of it.

Once my thighs open, the energy between us changes. What started out as gentle and therapeutic is now hot and tantalizing.

Simon:

We rarely go it slow like this. Usually there's too much stress or work, or we're tired. And so we settle for a quick solution to our desire, whatever's fast and efficient for the both of us.

Not tonight, though… tonight Baz is getting the 5 star treatment. I'm not going to let him touch me "there" till he's been satisfied. He's so sexy to me, especially tonight in his vulnerable state… I don't want to get carried away or motivated too much by my own desire. I want to focus on him.

Baz:

Simon trails a few kisses right onto me, and I shudder just from that because it's so good. And my heart bursts for him because he's being so soft with me, not expecting anything in return. I feel the care in his lips and fingertips: he wants to reassure me. And he wants me to accept his love. I do; I lay there open to him, legs and heart. All I can think is: Simon.

He licks me. First slowly, up the length of me, then nimbly, around the head. Down and up from different angles, with hot breath and a slick wet sound, before taking me all the way into his mouth. "Oh… Simon… oh…" I'm looking at him, but then I see how hot all this is and my eyes roll back up into my head and shut tightly… I can't help but buck up toward him with my hips.

"Sorry… sorry", followed by "do not stop" and other gibberish.

Simon:

Every time I think I know Baz completely, he reveals himself in a whole new way: there's always something else. Something else to know or love about him. He's so into whatever we do in bed… so receptive to me, so ready to show me his feelings and honest responses. How could I ever ask him to be secretive or hold back? He was meant to give himself to me and claim me as his own.

I've given him head plenty of times. But I haven't spent much time on his rim… not the way he has for me.

He's getting both tonight.

Baz:

The things he can do with his tongue-! Oh. He's licking my rim right now, and every flick of his tongue and caress of his hands feels as if he's taking me apart and putting me together, all at once.

I'm gasping and my whole body is flooding with building waves of pleasure. I'm desperate for him to go on because it feels so good... it's almost more than I can stand. And yet, I can stand it because I know what "the end" will be… Simon never leaves me high and dry. He won't quit until I am satisfied.

He will give me whatever I want, and he will want it as much as me, the moment I ask for it.

Simon:

I love Baz. When he's all caught up in feeling like this, hair mussed, face flushed, long lean body taut and straining… he is absolutely gorgeous. It's all I can do not to tumble forward with him into orgasm.

That will come soon enough. Baz will make short work of me, as soon as I let him. But for now it's all about him.

Baz:

The thoughts in my head are wild. Simon really knows what to do with his mouth and tongue... is that because he's a singer? His technique is heavenly and I'm moaning loudly. I am increasingly desperate for him and his tongue…

I let whatever's left of my composure slip away. I don't need it… I don't have to hide anything, any feelings, when I'm in bed with Simon. That's something I haven't tried to do since the first couple of times we had sex. I can't pretend to be someone else, the kind of person who doesn't care or feel deeply when I'm with Simon… he brings all my feelings out and I love him for it…

I realize I'm not afraid anymore for him opening me up like this. I finally know where we stand and I'm happy.

Simon:

No one is like Baz. No one. He's mine, he's mine, he's mine.

Baz:

Simon's hands circle around my thighs while his tongue works me. He likes this intimacy between us, too... I hear him panting through his exertions with shuddered breaths. And the thought of him enjoying this, too, is a welcome sensory overload for my heart and mind. I always want to please Simon.

"Simon… my Simon…" I can't stop gasping his name. It's become my personal mantra, my prayer for a happy life and a better future… with him… always with him…

His tongue is getting more access to me and it's making me weak and hard in a way that makes me think I might achieve my satisfaction without him doing anything else. Simon is that good with his tongue. He keeps trailing kisses too, in between his probing. It feels amazing to know that he wants me this much, to feel his love to all of me, unconditionally…

I'm getting close to the sweet pleasure of release and Simon seems to be very attuned with me (which makes my heart swell with gratitude and love), because he returns me to his mouth and keeps swallowing me rhythmically until I reach the peak of my orgasm.

He's panting now and I let myself believe he's enjoying this because it's me. I'm a bloke and he still enjoys me this much… Simon makes me feel as though nothing is missing for him and that I'm not only enough but exactly who he wants…

Simon:

When Baz breaks through to orgasm, I'm happy. We want the same things in bed, and his pleasure is mine. It sounds like such a basic thing, but I know not everyone has it.

We are so lucky to have each other.

Baz:

I can't get the thought of him being a singer out of my head… it's so heavenly. It's like he's conducting music out of me. Wave after wave of pleasure.

My whole body shudders in aftershocks from this experience, as I feel Simon swallowing and tasting me. He wants it all. Something inside me always feels accepted and adored when he does that.

Simon doesn't let go right away, either. He lets me land within my body and my feelings, with his mouth around me as if that's what's important for him — my pleasure and my happiness.

Simon:

I come back up to Baz's face, after spending a delicious long time between his legs. But there are tears in his eyes.

"What's wrong, love?" I ask, my heart catching in my throat. Was this too much, not what he wanted?

"I'm just happy," Baz answers. "Because you want me the way I am and because we get to have this — us." A few sobs escape his lips.

I am so lucky to have such a passionate deep man. He's making me deeper… I'm learning all the time. He shows me how much it's possible to give and I become the same for him. So I wrap myself around him and kiss his mouth and tear-stained cheeks.

"I want you because of the way you are," I tell him, and we kiss again.

Baz:

I love it when Simon puts things into words for me. I know that doesn't always come easy for him. He's more of a touchy guy, but I need words. The things Simon is saying to me right now give me butterflies in my stomach, as if I'm a giddy teenager again.

I smile through my tears and nuzzle into him.
"We get to have a life — together," I whisper to him but I'm not sure if he can hear me.

He does. Simon squeezes me and whispers back, "Yes, love. We get to have a life — together."

And I believe him. Because it's him and because everything about him is true right now, from the way he talked to Penny to the way he made love to me tonight...

Everything is real… our future is real.