Authors Note: I wanted to give everyone a moment to breath and process what is going on in this story. It is so much fun to work with the concepts of what if. That being said we are dealing with characters with feelings. In this chapter lots of feelings are expressed. So please let me know what you are feeling about the story in the reviews.
As always Happy Reading :)
I let the tears escape my eyes as Seth held me. I used his warmth to protect my heart. The way I always have. I hate myself. The tears rolled faster. I worked hard controlling my breathing. Matching it to Seth's steady breathing. Fuck. I am using Seth to keep air in my lungs.
I can't. I can't do this. I need to figure out what I need to do. I need to figure out if I can. No. I can never return to Emmett. He stayed. He is having wall breaking sex right now. With his WIFE.
Do I want to be Emmetts side chick? Maybe. The sex… if this was just about sex this would be an easy answer. Is he the person I could spend the rest of my life with? Or… will he find another lover the moment I turn my back. The moment I focus on something that is not him. I mean Aunty Rose is also cheating on him. So does that cancel this out? Maybe.
Seth twitched as my mind spun overwhelmingly. I needed to move. Needed to take a moment to process. I could not focus on the uncomfortable thoughts when Seth held me. He was pure and good. Everything about him was pure and good.
Seth is my safe place. The only one I could talk to about anything.
I can not tell him about this. I can not tell anyone about this. I need to get the overwhelming emotions out of my body before they leak out without consent.
I slowly moved my body away from Seths. Pushing the covers into my place. The wooden floor warn and cold under my feet. I walked to the door. Knowing the squeak from the window opening would wake Seth. Looking at his sleeping form I willed myself to choose him. Longing for the normality of our relationship. Friends to Best Friends. Best Friends to Lovers. That is the way romance was meant to work.
Yet. I crave the danger. What is wrong with me?
Walking down the stairs I avoided the squeaky steps and proceeded to the back door. It was not until I stepped my feet on the cool soaked grass that I realized I had no footwear. Ignoring the stab of initial cold on my feet I ran. Choosing the routes that lead away from both La Push and the Cost. Sticking to the tree line I followed the highway out of town. Ensuring to stay out of line of sight. The last thing I needed was to be questioned by a human.
The rain started pouring down after 10 minutes of running. Causing my pj's to stick to my skin. Chilling me just a little more. It was nice to have the cold rain as I ran. After years of running in the island heat this was a nice change.
I lost myself thinking of the island. My life was more boring on the island. No. Simple doesn't always mean boring. I pushed myself to go harder. Running away from the memory of a simpler time.
Tears streamed from my eyes faster. I lost my vision in the combination of tears and rain. Running blindly dodging the trees I could see. How could I let myself be so dumb!
I fell. Scraping my knees on the ground. My body settled at the base of a tree. The impact of my fall created a perfect indentation for my body to be cradled by the tree. Settling into the space I allowed myself to each wave of emotion. Just as the wave of emotions left my body I gasped for air. Moments later another wave hit. I was unable to receive enough breath in my lungs before another emotion paused my breathing.
Tears hitched in my throat. I wanted to tell everyone what I had been doing. I can not do that. I can not tell anyone what happened. Not without judgement. What I have been doing was wrong.
The way that I let him touch me… Run his fingers down me… My body shuddered in pleasure. Fuck me. I am sick. I know I can never be with him again yet my body craves the touch of him.
I have been an adult now for long enough to know that this is not an appropriate response. This is not how I expected trying to live a normal life would be.
I hate myself for what I allowed to happen. I came between a marriage. One that not only I knew about but was in my own family. Bile clawed its way up my throat. Burning as I vomited on the forest floor. I felt like death. I deserved death. Darkness swirled in my peripheral vision. Pain was I all can feel. Pain in my heart, head, stomach. I need. I need.
Arms pulled me from the place I was crouched. Pulled me into a burning hot embrace. I allowed the darkness to overtake me. The last thing I noticed was his smell.
(Who do you want this to be? Who do you think this is? Put your answer in the review. Thanks for reading!)
