Chapter 18
Katara stared out across the pond to where a nest of turtleducks was hidden among the reeds. She wasn't watching them really, but they made a convenient focal point while she tried not to think about the other events of the past week. Especially not the arrangements being made for Ozai's funeral.
Ozai- deposed and forever branded as a war criminal- had still been the leader of the Fire Nation and Zuko's father. Katara tried not to be disgusted with the fact that Iroh had agreed with his advisors' insistence that Ozai be given a proper entombment. There were, after all, certain aspects of politics that she knew that even the Fire Lord couldn't refuse. She was just grateful that she wasn't expected to be at the ceremony.
Zuko was, though. He had as much reason to want to avoid it as anyone. More, in fact. Katara and the others had been at the receiving end of Ozai's indifferent cruelty, but Zuko had suffered personally at his father's hands for years. And he had been the one to order his execution in the end. What he must be feeling at the idea of attending Ozai's funeral…
Katara squeezed her eyes shut, hoping that maybe that would stop the thoughts in her head. She would go to the funeral, she already knew. She knew Zuko would need as much support as possible. She would be right at his side, if he let her.
That was probably a big if.
She hadn't seen him since two nights earlier in his uncle's office. Since they almost kissed. Again.
Why, Katara wondered, why did her reaction to him making it through a life-threatening situation always seem to be to kiss him? What she had wanted after seeing him so broken was reassurance that he would be alright. She could have gotten that verbally, but she wanted to touch him. She had wanted to feel the beating of his heart beneath her hands. She had wanted to kiss him. And for a moment it had seemed like he wanted to kiss her too. But he hadn't said as much as hello to her since then.
"You idiot!" she scolded herself.
"Am I interrupting a private conversation?" Aang was standing behind her on the grass. Katara hadn't even heard him approaching. Her face flushed as she wondered how much she had said aloud.
"Hey, Aang." She moved over so there was space on the flat stone for him to sit beside her. "How are you doing?" The young Avatar shrugged and tried to relax into his seat.
"I'm okay, I guess," he said. "I mean…I'm not…thrilled with how things turned out, but I guess I'm more worried about Zuko than anything. Ozai was his father." Katara nodded.
"I'm worried about him, too," Katara admitted. Aang hunched his shoulders and watched Katara from the corner of his eyes. She was staring out over the pond again and chewing absently on her lower lip.
"I'm sorry," Aang said quietly. Katara turned and furrowed her brows.
"About what?"
"About…" Aang gestured towards the palace vaguely. "About all of this. This was my fault. If I had done was I was supposed to the first time…heck, if I hadn't run away a hundred years ago… none of this would have happened." Katara stared at him for a moment and then sighed.
"You had no way of knowing what would happen," she told him. "No one blames you for this. It was too much to ask of you at twelve."
"You weren't much older than me," Aang pointed out. "You wouldn't have hesitated." Katara lowered her eyes to the stone they sat on. Sudden tears pricked at the back of her eyes and she took a deep breath.
"I was only fourteen when we met," Katara told him, "but I wasn't a child. By then I hadn't been a child for a long time. Growing up in a war means you have to grow up fast. You didn't have that."
"I know." Aang felt his cheeks heat up with shame. Katara placed a hand on his shoulder and made him look up.
"That's not a bad thing," she assured him. "You grew up in a more peaceful time. It's beautiful that you can see that potential. I think it's great that you got to be innocent for a little longer than the rest of us." Aang sighed sadly. He could hear Agni's words in his mind, and he understood for the first time what he had meant.
"Me choosing not to kill Ozai wasn't an innocent choice," he told Katara. "It was selfish. I didn't want to do what you guys- what all of the past Avatars were telling me I needed to do. I want to say it's because I knew there was a better way, but the truth is, I had decided that the safety of the world wasn't as important as my beliefs. If I'm honest, I…I'm not sure I would have come back if the Lionturtle hadn't stepped in." Katara blinked and leaned away from Aang a bit, but she hadn't taken her hand away from his shoulder.
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"Exactly that," he replied. "I was…scared. And I know that was a terrible excuse, because everyone was scared. But…I don't know…I felt like if I killed Ozai, I would be killing the last bit of the Air Nomads, too."
"Oh, Aang." Katara pulled him into a tight hug, and Aang clung to her. He let himself sink into the embrace and imagine for a moment that it meant something that it didn't. That he could keep her and this feeling for the rest of his life. The moment passed, and he pulled away from her.
"I let Zuko make this sacrifice because I couldn't," he confessed. "Agni asked me what I was willing to sacrifice for peace-"
"Agni?" Katara gasped in shock and confusion. Aang smiled sheepishly and shrugged.
"Avatar stuff," he told her. Katara nodded uncertainly. Aang continued. "Anyway, he told me that true peace- that balance can't come without sacrificing something. I'm the last Air Nomad, but I'm also the Avatar. I…I don't think I can be both. And trying to be is keeping me from mastering the Avatar State."
"You shouldn't have to give up your culture just because you're the Avatar," Katara said fiercely. "That isn't fair!" Aang smiled sadly at her.
"Life's not fair, though," he said. "And I'm not giving up my culture. I'm still going to do my best to keep the Air Nomads alive in me whenever I have a choice. I'm not going to like start eating meat or anything," Katara chuckled at that. "I still believe that there can be peaceful resolutions to every conflict, but now I understand that I have to meet people where they're at and not expect them to just do things my way all the time."
"Everyone has to learn that lesson at some point in their lives," Katara sighed. Aang nodded in agreement.
"It helps that I've met a lot of people who are interested in learning more about Air Nomad ways, too. I can teach them, and the Air Nomad culture can continue on that way." Aang ducked his head to hide a blush before he added. "And maybe…maybe someday I'll fall in love and have kids and they can continue the legacy, too." When he looked up, there were tears in Katara's eyes.
"I want that for you so much."
"Yeah." Aang's heart thudded in his chest. "I wish…" He didn't finish that thought. He knew it wouldn't have been fair to Katara. But she seemed to understand anyway.
"I'm really sorry," she said. Aang straightened his back and made himself meet her eye.
"You have nothing to be sorry about." Aang sighed and forced a wistful smile. "Besides, I'm pretty sure there's someone else you're hoping you can make a legacy with."
"What?" Katara sputtered. "I…what?" Aang laughed at her, and it almost felt real.
"You should see your face," he chuckled. Then he took a deep breath. "I have to confess something."
"O-okay?" Katara waited expectantly.
"I overheard you and Suki talking while we were looking for Ozai." Katara's eyes widened in horror. "You were talking about Zuko. And…you know…how you felt." Katara froze as she tried to find a reaction. She was torn between anger that Aang had listened in on a private conversation, embarrassment that he knew her secret, and concern that it had caused him unnecessary pain.
"You shouldn't eavesdrop," she said at last.
"I know." Aang ducked his head. "I really didn't mean to. But by the time I realized what you two were talking about, I thought it was too late to leave."
"Fine," Katara sighed. She found she couldn't muster up much anger at her friend. "It's alright." Aang chewed his thumbnail nervously.
"I still care about you," he confessed quietly. Katara flinched at that, but she waited for Aang to say what he needed to. "I still care a lot. And I'll admit that I wasn't happy when I found out that you… But, you know, Zuko is a great guy. And… well, you two make a lot more sense than you and I ever did." Katara turned back towards the pond, her shoulders sagging forward.
"Well," she sighed. "Thanks for that. But I don't think he feels the same." Aang looked dubious, and it was Toph and Suki all over again. Katara fought down a groan. "Look, there's so much stacked against us. Our entire relationship would be so political and we're from two very different cultures. Not to mention Zuko has a girlfriend."
"Oma and Shu had a lot against them, too," Aang pointed out. Katara let out a bitter laugh.
"Yeah, and Shu died in the end," she reminded him.
"Okay," Aang agreed. "Things didn't turn out super great for them, but their love made history."
"Legend," Katara corrected him. Aang shrugged.
"Same diff. And the war is over. You and Zuko totally have a shot if you want to take it. If it's destiny, none of the other things really matter."
"Easy for you to say, Avatar," Katara scoffed. "Somehow I don't think destiny is going to bend over backwards just so Zuko and I can be together." Aang shrugged.
"You never know," he said. "After all, destiny had to be pretty flexible to get you two to meet and become friends in the first place. Who's to say that destiny won't bend a little more to give you both what you deserve now."
"And people say I'm an optimist." To her annoyance, Katara could feel more tears welling up.
They sat in silence for a while. Katara stared out over the pond again, and Aang turned his gaze upward to the starry night sky.
"You know," Aang said, "you told me once that you love me too much to be the wrong woman for me. Well, I love you too much to let you give up on the right man for you." Katara looked over at Aang. His heart almost broke at the sadness he saw in her eyes. It wasn't new, but Aang had never noticed it there before.
"Aang, I-" she started to say. But Aang wanted to say his piece before he lost the nerve.
"If you like him, you shouldn't just give up without telling him so." Aang smiled weakly. "For what it's worth, I think it's mutual."
Katara smiled weakly. She hugged Aang tightly and gave him a peck on the cheek.
"Thank you for being my friend."
-:-:-:-:-:-
If Mai was surprised to see Zuko, she had hidden it well by the time she entered the sitting room. She glided across the room and sat gracefully on her favorite chair across from Zuko. They stared at each other in an uncomfortable drawn out silence which was only interrupted when the door opened. A servant entered with a tray of tea and an impressive assortment of snacks. Mai hadn't requested it, so she assumed her mother had. Once the servant had set the tray down, Mai raised a careless hand and waved him off. With a bow, first to the Crown Prince and then to his mistress, he left the couple in peace.
"I didn't expect to see you," she said, breaking the quiet first. She was pleased to see a slight blush on his cheeks on his otherwise impassive face.
"I wanted to come see you sooner," he explained, "but things have been…hectic." Mai's mouth tightened, and she nodded. Ozai's execution had been carried out the day before, and preparations for his funeral were being made tomorrow. Ozai would be entombed with his ancestors, as was the ancient tradition of the royal family, although since he had died a traitor, his funeral would be private and attended by less than a dozen people. Then, of course, there were the preparations being made for Zuko's official coronation. He was a very busy Fire-Lord-to-be.
"So why are you here today?" Mai asked. Zuko took a cream cake from the tray, more from wanting to do something with his hands than any actual appetite.
"We need to talk," he said. Mai's face contorted in disgust.
"You could at least look me in the eye." Her voice was cold and sharp as steel. Zuko flinched, but he set his cake down and sat up straight in his chair, meeting Mai's eyes.
"You're right." The pair lapsed into silence once more with matching masks of forced calm. Finally, Mai rolled her eyes and sank back into her seat.
"Will you please just say what you came here to say?" Zuko sighed and leaned forward on his knees.
"I want to break up," he told her. Mai pressed her lips into a thin line and looked away from Zuko.
"Fine." The air in the room was suddenly hot and thick. Mai reached out with trembling hands and poured herself a glass of tea. The coolness of the glass felt good on her palms.
'Mai, I'm sorry."
"…whatever." Mai took a long sip of tea to get rid of the lump in her throat. No matter what else happened, Mai refused to let Zuko see her cry.
"I should have done this a long time ago," Zuko admitted. Mai snorted derisively.
"I thought you had," she said. Zuko's brow furrowed in confusion.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"That last fight we had," she reminded him. "Before you left to find Ozai. I thought that was the end of us. Figures you couldn't just leave it at that." Mai put her glass down and rubbed her eyes tiredly. She could feel the traitorous stinging of tears. "Zuko, why are you here?"
"You really thought I would just never speak to you again?" he asked. "Mai, we've been together for over three years. I wouldn't do that to you."
"Right," Mai scoffed. "That wouldn't be the honorable thing to do." She stood up and walked over to a picture window. "Is it because of her?"
"Katara has nothing to do with this," Zuko said firmly. Mai could see his reflection in the window, though. He was still seated, his gaze lowered in shame. Well-deserved shame, Mai thought viciously. Then she turned to face him.
"It's okay, Zuko," she said quietly. He looked up in surprise. "You and I have been over for a while. It just took us a while to realize it. If I'm frank, we have probably been over since Boiling Rock. And I should have broken up with you after the war ended." Zuko looked away from Mai and smiled humorlessly. Mai folded her arms across her chest and chewed the inside of her lip.
"I am sorry," Zuko whispered. Mai's nostrils flared angrily, but she didn't yell or scream. A moment later, the fury passed, leaving her feeling drained.
"So you've said." Mai sighed.
"Is it selfish to admit I'm glad you didn't break up with me then?" Mai arched an eyebrow. Zuko blushed as he stood to face Mai. "You and Uncle were the only stability I had at that point. I know it wasn't fair to you, but I…I needed you. I want you to know that I truly loved you. I probably always will, but…"
"It doesn't matter," Mai said. She felt her heart clench with an emotion she couldn't identify as either hurt or anger (probably both, she admitted to herself), but it was held at bay by that old sense of drained detachment that got her through her father's tedious tenure as governor of Omashu.
"You know," she told Zuko, "you've never looked at me the way you looked at her that night." Zuko didn't ask what she meant. "The truth is I knew then that it was never going to be me, but I let myself ignore it because when I gave you an out, you didn't take it." There was a clear accusation, and Zuko looked appropriately shamed. Mai shut her eyes to him momentarily.
"I didn't mean to lead you on," he swore. Mai scoffed, but Zuko insisted. "For a little while, we worked-"
"Zuko, stop," Mai cut in. She held up a hand to stop him. "Honestly, please don't. I will be fine. I'm just glad you only wasted three years of my life instead of thirty. Could you imagine if we had actually gone ahead and gotten married?" She laughed mirthlessly.
"I'm-"
"Sorry!" Mai snapped. "I apologizing!" She ran her hands over her face. "It's starting to piss me off, and for once we aren't having a scene." Zuko dropped his head and clasped his hands in front of him. Mai would have laughed if she wasn't in so much pain. He looked like a chastised school boy.
"…I should leave," Zuko said.
"Probably," Mai agreed. "Just, do me a favor." Zuko met Mai's eyes earnestly. Her lips curled into a shaky, but wicked grin. "Tell my parents we've broken up? I think they're planning the wedding as we speak." Zuko's face blanched and Mai let out a genuine, if bitter, laugh. "I'm kidding. I'm not quite that mad at you."
"Good," Zuko said with a half-smile. "I think your mother would claw my eyes out."
"Oh, she would," Mai assured him. "Good-bye, Zuko. And good luck... I guess." She very nearly meant it, too.
"Good-bye, Mai." Zuko gave her once last look over his shoulder and smiled sadly.
Mai looked out of the window and watched Zuko leave the mansion, climb into the royal carriage and walk out of her life. For good, she hoped. There was a soft knock at the sitting room door before Mai's mother poked her head inside. She looked at her daughter with hopeful expectation and her eager eyes.
"Has Prince Zuko gone so soon?" she asked. "I had hoped he would stay for dinner." Mai fought the urge to roll her eyes at her mother's blatant attempts. She stepped around her mother and out into the hall.
"He's gone forever, Mother," she said. Mai's mother called after her, demanding answers. Mai ignored her and escaped to her room. She sent away the maid that was laying out her clothes for dinner and locked her bedroom door. Then finally, she laid on her bed and let the tears she had been holding back fall.
**Possible Ending**
Zuko found Katara on the balcony after dinner. Her eyes widened in surprise when she saw him, but she quickly gathered herself, clearing her throat and tugging at the end of her hair.
'Hey," she greeted him shyly.
"Hi." Zuko joined her at the balcony railing and took a deep breath. "I'm beginning to think you like this spot."
"It's a good place to think," Katara told him with a shrug. "I like to believe maybe I can organize my mind like the garden." Zuko tilted his head to the side and swept his eyes over the garden. In the moonless dark, he couldn't make out much more than the outlines of the flowers and trees.
"I never thought of that."
They stood there for some minutes. The silence between them had an almost physical presence, as if a third person had joined them on the balcony. Every so often one would steal a glance when they thought the other wasn't looking. After so many days of Zuko avoiding her, Katara had hoped he would be ready to speak to her. At this point she wasn't sure that him find her hadn't been an accident. She was about to excuse herself when he beat her to it.
"I'm sorry," Zuko said quietly. Katara flinched. Maybe she hadn't wanted him to be ready to speak after all.
"Me, too," she replied. "I'm sorry, too."
"Huh?" Zuko blinked in confusion and turned to Katara. "What are you sorry about?" Katara motioned vaguely between them.
"This!" she said. "I keep doing this to you…to us. You've been avoiding me, and I don't blame you. I've made things weird between us. If you want to pretend nothing happened, we can." Zuko was quiet for a long moment. Katara could feel his eyes on the side of her face, but she kept her gaze off of him.
"Can we talk about this?" Zuko's voice was oddly small. Katara glanced at him uncertainly.
"Really?" she asked. Zuko nodded.
"I think it was a mistake not talking about it the first time," he admitted. "And I just had to have another really hard conversation today. I've got the momentum for this right now and I want to do it before I chicken out again." Katara had hoped to avoid this, but deep down, she knew Zuko was right. Their first kiss was an odd elephant koi between them. If their friendship was to get through this intact, then Katara would have to let him say what he needed to.
"Okay," she agreed at last. "I guess we're going to be grown ups about this." Zuko chuckled nervously. Katara watched him expectantly.
"I'm sorry," Zuko said again. "I'm sorry for avoiding you. I honestly didn't mean to, but I had to talk to Mai first." Katara groaned and buried her face in her hands.
"Tui and La! She must hate me!" Zuko started to contradict her, but decided he didn't want to lie. He just shrugged instead.
"It doesn't really matter," he said. "I broke up with her."
"What?" Katara gasped. "Why? Not because of…because what I…"
"It was time," Zuko told her. "We weren't going anywhere. It wasn't anyone's fault." Katara wasn't sure how to respond to that.
"I'm sorry." She winced at how inadequate that sounded.
"I'm not," Zuko said. Katara turned to him sharply. Zuko explained, "Mai and I stayed together way too long. This is the best thing for us in the long run. But this isn't what I wanted to talk about." Katara shut her eyes and took a deep breath.
"What do you want to say then?" she asked.
"I told you that that first kiss meant something to me." Zuko's hands curled into fist against the marble railing. "I wasn't lying." Katara watched him for a moment, waiting for him to say more, but he seemed to be waiting for her now. Katara sighed.
"It meant something to me, too," Katara admitted. "And I spent probably way too long trying to figure out exactly what. I thought about it constantly for a while." Zuko raised an eyebrow.
"Constantly?" he repeated. There was the beginning of a proud smirk at the edge of his mouth. Katara blushed.
"Okay. Not constantly, but a lot."
"So, what does this mean?" Zuko asked. Katara seemed like she was shutting down again. Zuko looked her in the eye. "We said we'd discuss this like adults. Remember?" Katara scowled at him, but there was no real heat in it.
"I don't know if I'm in love with you," Katara said quickly. Her blush deepened. "But maybe I could be? It's just...there's something here, isn't there?" She motioned between the two of them. "Am I imagining things?"
Zuko was silent for a while. He turned away and looked out at the pond. Katara felt her face heat up with humiliation. She contemplated leaving.
"You know," Zuko said at last, "ever since the war ended and I came back to the palace, I keep winding up here. In the garden. At that pond. It was the only place I felt comfortable for the longest time. Every place else reminded me of my father or my sister. I felt like there were ghosts everywhere." Katara looked at Zuko confused.
"I don't understand," she said. Zuko motioned out towards the fragrant flowers.
"This garden reminds me of my mother," he told her. "She used to read to me under that tree over there. That's where I used to go before I was banished. That was where I used to feel most comfortable.
Zuko glanced at Katara from the corner of his eye and bit the inside of his lips.
"I still like to sit under the tree sometimes, but since I came back," he confessed, "I've been more sitting by the pond more." Katara's palms felt sweaty all of the sudden. She pressed them against the cool stone of the balcony rail.
"It doesn't remind me of you," Zuko told her. "It's way too small. Too flat. You are more like the ocean. You can be calm one moment and just loud and- let's face it- dangerous a moment later. You are as reliable as the tides and just as powerful. And not just because of your water bending. That pond is nowhere near as beautiful as the ocean, but water will never stop making me think of you."
"Zuko...?" Katara asked the rest of the question with her eyes. Zuko turned towards her with a shy smile on his face.
"I think I am in love with you. I have been for a long time. Since before the war ended. Since Ember Island, probably. It just took me a while to admit it to myself." Zuko shifted on his feet. Katara found his uncertainty endearing. A smile slowly spread across her face as Zuko reached for her hand.
"I had to break up with Mai," he said. "That's why I was avoiding you. I didn't want to say anything to you while I was still with her."
"Oh!" Katara looked away, but left her hand where it was. "I-I didn't know." Zuko smiled wryly.
"Apparently she thought we were over before we left." He grimaced, but he shook it off quickly. "I know it's usually a bad idea to jump from one relationship into another, but I really do believe we could have something special. Can we...give this a shot?"
Katara was almost too happy to speak. She looked down at their intertwined hands and smiled. But it only lasted a moment.
"Are you sure you've thought this through?" she asked cautiously. She reached up with her free hand and stroked Zuko's cheek. "You're going to be the Fire Lord in a couple of days. And you're going to be amazing at it. I don't want to get in the way of that. I don't want to be the reason your advisors don't trust or respect you."
"Who cares what those morons think," Zuko said irritably. He wrapped his other hand around the one on his cheek. "They don't trust or respect me anyway." Katara didn't find that funny and it was all over her face. Zuko sighed. "I have to earn all that trust and respect from scratch. I would rather face it with you at my side… What do you say?" This time Katara's smile couldn't be suppressed.
"Well, how can I argue with that?" she laughed. She wrapped her arms around him and beamed up at him happily. "Yes, Zuko. Let's give this a shot."
And this time when they kissed, there was no desperation or leftover adrenaline behind it, only a warm sense of calm. This, they both decided silently, was right where they were meant to be.
The End
**AN**
HA! I finished it! You thought I wouldn't when I would! And I did it sooner than I said I would. There might be an epilogue, but I haven't decided yet. If you enjoyed it please leave a review!
