"I still can't believe you're actually holding up your side of the bargain."
"What were you expecting?"
"Oh I don't know. Some sort of double-cross. Knife to the back. Sell us out. That sort of thing."
"You did well to put your faith in us then. Shepard obviously made some very good friends," Lawson replied to Garrus, still peering at me from the corner of her eye. "I just wish we had better news for you." She took a moment as she ran her hand over the capsule, frowning at its contents. "We may not be able to restore Shepard after all. The body is in worse shape than expected. There were some preservation systems in this pod, but they were hardly optimal."
"Then I don't see the point. Why is Cerberus doing this? Maybe I don't know what human traditions are...but I really think you should let the dead rest. This isn't what we brought Shepard back here for. What you're suggesting is almost like- like-"
"Like something the Collectors would have done?" She narrowed her eyes at Liara. "We don't know what they would have done. Though hopefully the information you brought back with you may suggest something. And it might not be as bad as you think. The Illusive Man is hopeful about Shepard's prospects. We're willing to spend everything we have. But it will still take a very long time. If it works at all. I wouldn't sit around twiddling your thumbs waiting for us."
"We don't intend do," I replied, glancing at Ash who was still leaning back against her column. Obviously furious Miranda had her zip her mouth to stop her from sharing any more secrets. Can't believe she was really here-
"What will your Illusive Man do about the Shadow Broker?" Garrus asked.
"Keep tabs on him. Like he always has," Lawson simply stated.
"And if he infiltrates your organization again like he did with Doctor Wilson?" I said joining in. "Or tries to sabotage the Project?"
"Maybe more," she added annoyed, still attempting to pick me apart. Wilson being a traitor was something she very clearly refused to believe. But she eventually would. I trusted Cerberus' ability to sniff out moles. And it was obviously clear that my vast intellect and smoldering good looks were throwing her off. The exposé on Lazarus and Minuteman Station I just threw her way a couple minutes ago helped too, I'm sure. "But rest assured. We will do our best to bring her back. Shepard is the best chance humanity has-"
"The galaxy has," I corrected her. "It's a big place. You should be a little more open-minded toward it's inhabitants. By the way, before you go, try not to stick any mind control chips in her brain while you're digging around up there. I know you've been thinking about it Miranda, but that kind of defeats the purpose of bringing her back exactly the way she was, doesn't it?" As we needed that. Shepard. Exactly the way she was. Before I...
April 11th, 2185 CE
Arcturus Station, Arcturus Stream
In one of the station's bars, the trio would sit at the counter, utterly devastated after the debriefing. All the experiences they had, all the missions, all the good, all the bad. They were gone. Just like that. Hawk would leave almost as soon as they had sat down, because even though she had tried, she realizes she wasn't ready for the company just yet. Lt. Comm. Isadora 'Hawk' Almeida, a N7 Shadow and clandestine sniper with over 35 successful solo missions, was a stalwart ally of Shield during this period of time. He was the constant in-between for her arguments with Boots, they discussed class tactics pretty often with them both being infiltrators, and they simply enjoyed each other's company, as they were pretty much the only non-eccentric members of the group who were sociable (save for all of the conspiracy theories she picked up having grown up in a rural mountain town in Brazil). She kind of reminded him of Ashley, as she was pretty no-nonsense, courageous, and covertly pro-human which you'd pick up subtly throughout the story. Shield had planned to go to a N7-exclusive conference with her next, but those plans were scrapped due to Overlord. Though it wouldn't be learned in this story, losing half her squad and seeing all the other shit they had seen would also later lead her to quit the Alliance. Overlord had essentially destroyed 2185 CE Taskforce Herakles.
So Shield and Kaidan would be left alone together at the bar, and for the first time too since they had become teammates in Herakles. Neither had made an overture to catch up or hang outside of work, so neither had really tried. Both thought the other was avoiding them (which they truthfully kind of were). It was just one of those things. One of those really awkward things. And after a long awkward silence, they'd both apologize at the same time, and both would be shocked. Kaidan lets out the pain, and that he feels guilt for being hospitalized on Virmire, and missing the Battle of the Citadel. Shield refutes this, as none of them would even be there had Kaidan not stopped that pillar from crushing the nuke and detonating, which would have killed them all. He was a hero. Kaidan then gets angsty, as all his self-loathing begins to come to light. His reasoning for never letting the group split up alone, keeping everyone on their toes, from not deviating from the plan (and really hating Boots for constantly doing it), was all because of Virmire. They had split up, the plan had changed, and people had died. This compels Shield to finally tell Kaidan the truth despite the baggage that came along with it. That all three missing marines AND Kirrahe's squad were alive. Captured by the Shadow Broker. Then saved by none other than Cerberus. Kaidan doesn't believe it. Why hasn't any of them contacted anyone, he'd ask? Shield would say because Ash and the rest (Fredericks and Henderson) had decided to join them.
Kaidan gets woke. Why would she do such a thing? After everything the Normandy's and Herakles' seen, what the fuck? Why did Shield know this?! Shield would then catch him up on retrieving Shepard's body. And Kaidan would get pissed. He would ask Shield with cold intensity if he was the one who warned Project Overlord. Shield would become angry and deny vehemently. He hated Cerberus too. But they were the only ones currently willing to help Shepard which is why he let it be. Kaidan would compare the help Shepard would likely receive to how Non-canon Colonel Ashe 'helped' David in Project Overlord. Shield promises the actual Canon Ash wouldn't let that happen. He trusts her, and so should Kaidan. Kaidan would then remark that Shepard is dead. She's dead and nothing would bring her back. He'd get really emotional over this. He had only let her go only after years of grieving, but that was it. They shouldn't mess with her corpse. Let sleeping dogs lie. Shield gets angry, saying she was never supposed to die, and it's inevitable for her to come back. She can't be stopped by the legions of hell. She's too strong. There were all those embarrassing statues of her across Citadel Space that she had to see. Kaidan tells him to wake up, Shepard was dead, and it was his fault. Kaidan's that is. For not being there. Not watching her back. He wasn't there to save the woman he loved.
:(
Then Shield would get teary-eyed, as he had been mopey this entire story too. It wouldn't be in your face, but depressed Shield would become evident. Shield's been harboring a tremendous amount of Survivor's Guilt. He'd reveal to Kaidan who was truly responsible for her death, as he was the last one to see Shepard alive. Literally. She saved him. That's the only reason she died. If he hadn't been there, she would have lived through Sovereign's death. She sacrificed herself to save him. Kaidan is shook. And then Shield confesses that he loved her too. Kaidan extra shook. Shield knows she'd never reciprocate, and that he's apparently a masochist too after all that she had done to him, but he couldn't help it. She was incredible. Someone you couldn't help but gravitate to. Her strength and charisma was infectious. She made you feel special just being around her.
They both sit there in sad silence, feeling sorry for themselves. Shield asks if Kaidan wants to come with him. Shield's leaving the Alliance. She's going to come back, and she'll need them all to stop the aliens that are kidnapping human colonies. He'll brief Kaidan on the gist of the Collectors, the Reapers manipulating them behind the scenes, and that she'll be the only one capable of stopping them. Kaidan denies coldly, saying that she's gone, and even if she wasn't, that would obviously require working with Cerberus. Which Shepard would never do. He'll never do. Not after what they've seen. He's moved on past Shepard. Like Anderson. He'll do his best to make it up to her. And he says Shield should wake up and do the same. Kaidan leaves without another word, and Shield is left sitting there alone in the bar.
After Kaidan's cutting words and scathing stare, his sadness would fade away, and be replaced with the cold fury he felt after the mission. Shield now knew that Herakles was done. It was time for the events of ME2. After Overlord, The Illusive Man had finally reached out to him, and they had come to a mutual understanding. And Shield knew there was no going back from this. He had one last job to do before the end. One that'd be extremely risky. But he had to make the one responsible for the deaths of his friends pay.
"THIS IS THE MOMENT YOU HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR. THIS IS WHERE MAN IS DISTINGUISHED APART FROM THE POND SCUM IT FIRST CRAWLED OUT OF. TODAY. IS. PHASE. TWO!"
This was the morning of our fourth week, wasn't it?
"WE ARE OUT HERE TODAY BECAUSE YOU HAVE ALL OBTAINED THE INTIMATE KNOWLEDGE NEEDED TO OPERATE THE WEAPONS YOU CURRENTLY HOLD IN YOUR HANDS. OVER THESE LAST SEVERAL WEEKS, YOU HAVE TREATED THESE WEAPONS LIKE YOUR OWN BASED CHILD, BECAUSE LIKE A CHILD, IT WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU IN THE FUTURE. YOU HAVE ALL UNDRESSED YOUR GUNS, LAYING YOUR EYES ON EVERY BIT THAT LAY INSIDE. YOU HAVE RUN YOUR GREASY LITTLE PAWS OVER SAID GUNS, DEFLOWERING THESE INNOCENT KILLING MACHINES IN THEIR ENTIRETY."
The violent crack of gunshots filled the air, resonating in our ears, saturating the field that we sat in as the other platoons of our company had already begun their training for the day. But the cacophony of the firing range around us was still not loud enough to drown out Sir's bellicose voice. Our gunny yanked a rifle up by its stock once he finished, holding it high enough in the air for everyone to see, still not done.
"AS YOU HAVE ALL COME TO LEARN, HK'S M-7 LANCER IS A MARVELOUS MODEL OF MODERN ENGINEERING. IT HAS BEEN A STALWART COMPANION OF EVERY ALLIANCE MARINE SINCE FIRST CONTACT. AND NOW, THESE VERY RIFLES WILL GRANT YOU THE POWER TO BECOME HARBINGERS OF DEATH. WHEN YOU STEP ONTO THE RANGE THIS DAY, YOU WILL PULL THE TRIGGER OF THAT GUN FOR THE FIRST TIME, AND YOU WILL KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO WIELD DESTRUCTIVE POWERS THAT ARE BEYOND YOUR PRIMITIVE COMPREHENSION. YOU WILL KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO HIT A TARGET FROM OVER A KILOMETER AWAY, AND TO HAVE PRIDE IN HAVING DONE SO. AND YOU WILL KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO TAKE A LIFE."
While Sir continued yelling from his soapbox...I didn't find myself agreeing with him this time. Despite all his bravado...pulling the trigger of a gun really isn't that special. Aside from the obnoxiously loud sound or the recoil...there really wasn't anything else that accompanied it. I mean dude, it's an inanimate object. For me...firing my Harpy had become as normal as starting a car. Go to a gun range yourself. You'd feel nothing pulling that trigger-
"-AND TO DEFEND HUMANITY, YOU WILL DO SO PROUDLY. IF YOU HESITATE TO PULL SAID TRIGGER IN THE FIELD, I PROMISE YOU THAT YOU WILL DIE, AND THAT YOUR CORPSE WILL BE PRESERVED FOR CENTURIES TO COME, LAYING IN THAT LIFELESS ALIEN VACUUM YOU WERE FELLED IN FOR ALL FUTURE CADETS TO SEE. FOR HESITATE YOUR ENEMY WILL SURELY NOT. THE ALLIANCE AND HUMANITY HAS NO USE FOR PEACENIKS WHO REFUSE TO TAKE A LIFE, ESPECIALLY WHEN OUR ENEMIES HAVE NO SUCH MORAL QUANDRIES EVEN INDIGINOUS TO THEIR CULTURE AND SOCIETY. NO GETH OR PIRATE OR SLAVER SCUM WILL BLINK TWICE BEFORE BLOWING YOUR BRAINS OUT, SO YOU BETTER HOIST UP YOUR PANTIES AND BE READY TO DO THE SAME!"
And yet, despite everything I just said, about having a lack of any real emotion when I pulled that trigger... I was still one of those very peaceniks Sir was just talking about. For I've found myself unable to pull that trigger when it truly mattered. When everything was on the line, adrenaline pumping, bullets flying, people yelling, too much going on for one to even think, sure, I could manage. I had kept up with the crew of the Normandy on the battlefield. More or less. Which is what I suppose Sir meant.
But that was easiest part. If you're on autopilot, not even thinking when you fire that gun, you don't consider your enemy to be a living, breathing, person... and so, you aren't likely to hesitate on the field when firing on that faceless guy across from you. But it's an entirely different matter when you're staring down your victim, and they return your stare. Begging you. Don't do it.
When you have someone by the throat, their eyes bulging as they can do nothing to stop you, grotesque sounds escaping their lips as you tighten your grasp, your own heavy, breathing as you constrict, nothing to prevent you from finishing what you started... all of it was disgusting. Only a monster could enjoy that.
Don't roll your eyes. 'Oh look, another guy conflicted about taking a life. How novel.' The kind of moral quandary you wished every protagonist in every action story ever would just nut up and get over; get straight to shooting bad guys like they always will after that one traumatic event that justifies every death that happens afterwards anyway. There is no point in feeling bad about taking a bad guy's life. They get what they deserve. They invited this outcome. They knew the consequences of their crimes.
And then you look into their eyes, think about their family and friends and history they've left, what they've done with their existence, what they might hope to do with it, who they've loved, what they've lost, what made them this way, if they could change-
And I knew this place and its inhabitants couldn't truly be real. Or that it was at least less real than back home. I mean, one could debate the philosophical implications of my situation for decades. The existence of multiple realities and what not- Ah shit. Haha, look at that. How quick you can fall into old habits. I'm still asking these stupid existential questions. I suppose they are pretty interesting. I mean, what would you make of suddenly finding yourself trapped in the fictional realm of a video game? The implications of it? What around you was real? Were you at that point even real? Was anything you ever experienced? Who truly exists, who doesn't, what really even matters with all that in mind? And see, I'm doing it again.
Apologies. I was originally just trying to get to the crux of why I joined the Alliance. The military. Why would someone with such a weak spirit join a place that excelled so well in crushing them? To bring it full circle...I guess in the end...at the end of every philosophical whirlwind, I would always arrive at the conclusion that what I'm consciously experiencing now was reality. My reality. Because I do consider this place real. And the same goes for everyone in it. And that's why I was here. To help them. To acquire the skills to save them. And myself. To not die when I hesitate because of my lack of killer instinct. Get others killed because of it.
A couple years ago, someone once gave me some Sesame Street bullshit that one always possesses the opportunity to become who they want to be. Your fate is your own and all that bull. You choose your fate. And so, in the year 2183 CE...I had chosen to become a hero.
Someone who would never waver in the face of duty. Someone who would never waste their efforts on the what ifs and what haves. Someone who could actually help, if not save, others. Someone who was actually important.
April 12th, 2185 CE
Arcturus Station, Arcturus Stream
Shield would travel to Herakles' Command Room to find Taskmaster, and would tell him that he's figured out who the mole is. Taskmaster would express surprise, and question who it was. Shield would say he originally thought it was Iolaus. He was the first one that Shield told about Project Overlord after all. But Iolaus had discovered Cerberus' coded messages, and could have just told Shield there was nothing there to begin with. That leaves the only other person Iolaus let know as a suspect...Major.
Taskmaster would question what Shield was implying. Shield would point out that they all had codenames to protect their identities, despite everyone already knowing each other's names. Taskmaster included, as he was the one vetting members for the squad. Everyone's names were known, save for one however, the man in charge himself. He'd ask Taskmaster for his name, which Taskmaster would rebuke. Shield would then confess he already knew, as he had taken a photo of him during their last debrief with his omni-tool. He found a match for his likeness on the extranet, several articles written about the Major's accomplishments. The Major being Major Derek Izunami. Taskmaster confesses that was his identity, what of it? Then Shield would go on a tirade. Shield had played the mobile game Mass Effect Galaxy. He knew about the batarian bombing. Jath'Amon almost killing the Council. Jacob Taylor stopping it. And Jacob was one of his former subordinates. But he was now an agent of Cerberus. Jacob joined the organization because of one agent Miranda Lawson. And who introduced them?
You.
Izunami would deny it, but Shield would press the matter. Shield read an article that Izunami had also attended a 10th Street Reds Universal, alongside an Arcturus senator. The 10SR had become a pro-human gang in recent years, and though being a racist wasn't a crime, who else had attended one? Raymond Ashe. He had learned that from an episode of Spacehouse Rock with Spacer Sam. Episode 457: The Interstellar Criminal Organization Corner Special 39 (See AHM Ch 37). And as they knew from recent events, Raymond Ashe was Cerberus. The cards were stacking up against him. Izunami would reply that it was all hearsay, and that Shield was trying to find links where there were none. He was grieving, and wanted someone to blame. Izunami would than say he actually knew who the culprit for warning Cerberus was himself. Shield says o rly?
And Izanami would inform him it had been Backwater. Her family back on Ferris Fields was notorious for being anti-Alliance, pro-humanity, and unwilling to cooperate with the local government. Backwater had only cleared an empty Cerberus base for her Anti-Cerberus accolades, and was now surmised to have just done so to prevent the Alliance from learning any of its secrets. She disappeared without trace multiple times during missions, blaming it on getting lost. She let the Triad back on Garvug become alerted to their team when she used too much explosives during the mission at their HQ. She had even likely planned to kill them on Aite had-
Shield pulls out Sweetness to stop Izunami dragging her name through the mud. The Major doesn't budge when Shield tells him he should have been more thorough. Shield was close friends with Backwater. He knew for a fact that she herself loved aliens. Her family was not pro-Alliance, it was true, but they had no problem hosting him on the planet, and in fact, they loved him. And she got lost easily. That was just one of her traits. Izunami tries to convince Shield that Backwater had just said all that to win his trust-
Shield then reveals his final trump card, having talked with the Illusive Man himself. And as part of the deal they made, the Illusive Man had confirmed that he was indeed correct in his judgement. Izunami was in fact their mole in Herakles. Izunami's face becomes stupefied, before quickly accusing Shield of being the mole himself, having been in contact with Cerberus' leader. He then exclaims why the Illusive Man would even tell him who the mole was. He was obviously lying to him to throw him off the mole's tracks. Shield says the game's over, and it's time to face the music. The purpose of Herakles was never to hunt down Cerberus. It was to clean up their mistakes, while placating the Alliance and it's alien allies. He had been told everything.
If Turnick wasn't killed by Killer on Trident, he would have been killed in Alliance custody, none the wiser as no record would have even existed of him. Black Ops was sealed to everyone. Rhow was only thrown to the wolves because of her incompetency. The terrorist act on Turvess had been due to a rogue agent. The Illusive Man did not want humanity's political standing lost so soon after they had joined the Council, so he leaked the threat. One primitive society was of no consequence to humanity. Supreme Commander Speight had never even known anything about Cerberus. She had just been a convenient scapegoat to blame the debacle on. The reporter they had met was a Cerberus plant. Cerberus had board members in all three companies, and they had all conspired to keep the prothean artifacts for themselves out of greed. The Illusive Man couldn't let that treason go unpunished and orchestrated their fall. Each would be finished once they could no longer support each other with their wealth or power bases due to imprisonment. Overlord had been the only legitimate mission against them. And the project's shutdown would have still been in Cerberus' best interest had it occurred now or later, not that anyone would know except for Shield. The Illusive Man was very peeved at losing that project. And simultaneously impressed that Shield knew about it.
After his tirade, Izunami says he's insane, and reveals guards are already on their way up. Shield wouldn't dare do anything with his gun, as they were in the heart of Arcturus. He'd never escape alive if he did anything stupid. Shield orders him to confess that he was the one who warned Project Overlord. Izanami calls Shield's insane again, and refuses the demand. Izunami's getting enraged now. He asks Shield who's holding the gun right now, who the hell the real terrorist is-
"You. But you're dead."
Stone-cold Shield then shoots Izunami dead point-blank.
In the year 2183 CE...I had chosen to become a hero.
Someone who would never waver in the face of duty. Someone who would never waste their efforts on the what ifs and what haves. Someone who could actually help others. Someone who was actually important.
That's who I told myself I was going to be.
But that was a lie.
I told myself that just to keep going.
It wasn't true. How could any of this be real?
Since I got here, I always assumed one thing.
That when it was all over, I got to go back home.
What would it be like then, to suddenly lose the ability to run kilometers on end without pause, to learn things for survival, things that became ingrained in my daily routine that I'd never need again, to become so accustomed to doing activities that didn't even exist, to explore countless stars and planets and communities I'd never see in my lifetime, to have knowingly killed dozens, if not hundreds, of people, to make relationships, become close friends with those that I would never see again. People get messed up just coming back home after a tour overseas. Trying to adjust to 'civilian' life after they became so accustomed to being in the military.
What would it be like to come back after doing everything I did here then?
I'll be frank. It'd be impossible. I wouldn't be the same. I couldn't be.
And I couldn't live knowing I experienced something like this. And know that it was all for nothing.
How could I treat any of this as real then, knowing all this at the end of the day?
Nothing I did, or would do, was real. I had to work that into my skull. So why worry about how I feel? At the end of the day...
I wasn't a hero. Not after what I've done.
April 14th, 2185 CE
Sahrabarik, Omega Nebula
Shield had already packed his shuttle with all his belongings beforehand. He was an N7 Shadow. The guards coming up couldn't possibly hope to catch him. He was already off the station by the time an alert was fully raised. And upon traveling through empty space, Shield coldly reflects that everyone in Herakles died, not because they lacked the skills like he thought...but because they lacked the character needed to survive. Backwater was go-lucky and care-free, and she died unaware of what was happening around her. Fox was a martyr, yearning to atone, which resulted in his needless sacrifice. And Boots' inability to stick to the script, to obey orders, got him a one-way ticket to hell. If he didn't continue to change, he'd end up like them. Shield's resolve would cause him to cast aside everything he once felt comfortable in, and become something else entirely to survive. For his sake. And for Shepard's.
Cue Rangers Lead the Way [Victory Theme] by Hans Zimmer.
...
...
...
...Fin.
Afterword
So I think Mass Effective 1.5 was definitely a mistake. Writing each event out was grueling, and as you can tell from just this chapter's flashbacks, I had a LOT of other passages that I never even ended up using because they were basically just spinning the story's wheels in the ground, and adding so much fluff that if I continued those scenes, we would never get anywhere, essentially being a run-on sentence without end or containing anything even interesting or of note. Which happened regardless anyway. Whoops. The only reason I even included the three short ones written above was because they were at least thematic? I never even intended to write from the 1st person again after the first story to be honest, as Shield would essentially be entirely different from the goofy go-lucky guy we once knew him as in ME: AHM. The guy we followed along would for all intents and purposes, be dead, unrecognizable, another figure altogether in the sequel. Very edgy for the sequel reboot. Which might seem ironic once you hit next page.
But I also thought it would have been jarring just to have him appear in ME2:AHR as a badass edgelord, with dozens of new talents and skills at his disposal, and a completely different personality. Would have been cooler to maybe have flashbacks of this story throughout ME2:AHR, but alas, I was an idiot, and decided to just chronicle his travels outright. Though having a bunch of things set up and foreshadowed in this story for ME3:TH was also a big motivator for this. While the disappearance of the Conduit, the reveal of the Thessian Prothean Beacon, and the galactic economic crash could all have been lampshaded, some things couldn't. Like Alexei Leonov's past being revealed through Overlord, or Shield being reminded about the weird visions he had, or Ashley/Cadus surviving. Would be really hard to add those into ME2:AHR coherently and not be straight exposition dumps.
My one true regret however is I fell short, stopping right as Herakles Squad was introduced. Establishing their characters, writing out all their interactions, making you really come around to liking them was what I was really looking forward to the most. Genial Hawk, Charismatic Boots, Funny Backwater, Stone-faced Fox, Sad Kaidan. The glimpse of the missions they took would have really conveyed a sense of kinship. And nearly killing them all off would have been an unpopular move to some I'm sure, but I was kind of hoping to create one of those moments where you actually feel sad, robbed of something, when you read through their last moments. My greatest intent being to put you in Shield's shoes as he suffers through each loss, and become disillusioned with his own capabilities. I can't write anything that emotional but I would have tried dammit.
Anyhoo, off to the next story. ME2:AHR would have gone by a lot quicker, as I planned to write it almost entirely as those mission summaries from Mass Effect 2. So this format actually fits it pretty well. Lots of more unique events in that one, and honestly, where I should have started this AU to begin with. Not really AU actually, but things I thought would have made the game's storyline a little more interesting. Mass Effect 2 is where a lot of missteps in the trilogy first began, setting us up for the horror that later occurred in Mass Effect 3. I'm not afraid to say it. And so...on we go.
