Authors Note: I've decided to put a Mature rating on this story as there is going to be more swearing and adult themes from this point forward


~*~ Thorin POV ~*~

My body shifted in the saddle as I tried to reawaken my now very stiff muscles. It had been some hours since we had broken camp and while I was used to long hours in the saddle nothing could prevent the ache that had now settled into my body. It was the kind of ache that reminded me that I was getting older. I wasn't past my prime yet and was still considered young for a dwarf, but that didn't change the fact that I wasn't that young either. It was a reminder of just how important this quest was, that in a few more years I might be too old to summon the strength to reclaim the mountain from Smaug. I adjusted the reins in my hand, stopping my pony a moment and looking back at the rest of the company that was travelling in single file through the undulating landscape.

The changing nature of the landscape around us said we were making good time. We had left the great forest behind some hours before and were now almost at the weather hills.

As the day had gone on the lands around us seemed wilder and less hospitable to our presence. Dwalin had taken to riding at the back of the group, less out of hate to Tracyn and more out of a desire to protect the rear of the company from attack. It was good to see him going back to a semblance of normality after what had happened with my female companion. It seemed that for now, the pair had formed a truce for the benefit of the rest of the company which was comforting as I really didn't need to worry about infighting amongst my company. I looked from face to face and finally settled my gaze on Kili and Bombur.

I had put off talking to them that morning but there was only so long that I could leave things.

My pony shifted impatiently as the group passed me. It wasn't unusual for me to check in on the group from time to time and no one seemed to think anything of it as they rode past. Most of them were more intent on making sure their pony followed the least bumpy path so as to save their sore muscles. I gave any that would look my way a reassuring nod of the head, letting them silently know that we were making good time despite how saddle weary they all where. As I waited I adjusted the reins into one hand so I could pull out my pipe, there was something about being on the open road that made the urge to smoke stronger - I guessed it was all the uncertainty that came with such a quest. By the time I had lit my pipe Kili and Bombur had caught up with me.

"Might I have a word?"

The pair stopped their animated conversation about the best way to cook a rabbit, looked at me with pale faces, and then nodded. The fact they were scared of me bothered me a little, I wanted my kin to feel like they could come to me when needed and not fear my reaction. Perhaps it was too late to change how they felt? I'd been so wrapped up trying to fill my father's shoes that I had forgotten how to connect with others. I tapped the sides of my pony, leading the pair away from the rest of the group - not far enough away that we would be separated, but just far enough that we could talk in private. I wondered how exactly I should start the conversation - being a leader and talking politics was one thing, but to talk about what they thought was going on between me and Tracyn was another matter entirely.

"I am speaking to you both to set right certain assumptions you may have about myself and Tracyn ..."

Every word I said sounded awkward and I wished I had found a way to better broach the subject with them. There were not enough hours in the day to internally fight with myself, I could have formulated that sentence over and over again, but I could have been here till nightfall and still think what I wanted to say was stupid. Best get it over and done with so I could turn my mind to more important matters.

"Relax uncle, I'm not going to tell anyone about you courting Tracyn unless you say something first ... I'm not that much of a gossip despite your beliefs"

I let out a long breath, watching the pipe smoke billow in the air in front of me. The smoke seemed to mimic my inner feelings more than my very face at the moment, the white vapour twisting in the air in an agitated fashion. My heart yearned to go with that smoke, to drift up into the air and be far away from this awkward conversation that I had to have with the pair.

"I'm not courting Tracyn. We are just friends"

Both Kili and Bombur looked unconvinced. Kili allowed his eyes to roave up and down my body as if looking for a sign that I was lying. I definitely felt tense, on one side I stood by my stance that we were just friends, and then there was the part of me that always wanted more - a part of me that I kept pushing aside because it could never be. The younger dwarrow sat back in his saddle, idly playing with a strand of his pony's mane as if pondering the matter at hand. Bombur tilted his head, taking Kili's silence as an opportunity to make his thoughts known.

"You spend a great deal of time with her, more than your friends. You're drawn to her ... there is no shame in admitting it"

Kili nodded in enthusiastic agreement of Bombur's observations.

"Maybe she's your one?"

The suggestion that she might be my One caused my heart to beat wildly in a way that I both enjoyed and despised at the same time. I'd seen her as a friend, someone that had understood me in a way that few others did and someone that would never pressure me to live up to some grand expectation of rank. My heart often would yearn for something more, something I had no understanding of, and I didn't even have a name for what that feeling was yet - never mind what that feeling could mean. I could feel the scowl forming on my face so as to prevent my men from seeing the inner turmoil their suggestion had caused within me.

"She's not my one"

Kili snorted in such a way that he almost fell out of the saddle, one hand crossed over his chest as a boyish grin crossed his face. The lad was young with fresh stories of romantic endeavours he had heard from his parents no doubt and keen to see them wherever he went. He didn't seem to think that someone could just be friends with a woman without it being anything more then that and I fixed him with a hard stare that stopped his self amused snorting in an instant.

"Pardon me for saying this, but that's a load of bullshit. You are a different person around her. You are talkative, more open then I have ever seen with others, and I am certain I saw you smile when she downed Dwalin yesterday ... Mahal knows I'd want a woman like that if I had half a chance."

"None of that means that I have romantic intentions or that she's my one ... I have not felt the pull in that way, why would I? She's not a dwarf Kili ..."

Kili rolled his shoulders, head tilting up to look at the midday sun and trying to glean some warmth from its meagre rays. Bombur looked absolutely demoralised at the thought that I didn't have an interest in the woman. It was clear that he'd taken something of a shine to Tracyn over the last few days. How long would it be before she was a friend to them all? Likely not long at all, though I wasn't sure if Dwalin would ever allow himself to see her as a friend. Kili leaned over his saddle as he spoke once more, arms crossed over the neck of his mare.

"It's happened before so tales say. You are so stubborn and I know you won't settle for just anyone - Mahal knows plenty of women have offered themselves up to you in the past and you didn't even give them the time of the day. Maybe the great smith had to forge your one outside our world just to make someone that was perfect for you? A strong woman that will take no nonsense from any man ... a queen under the mountain"

I followed his gaze upward, the thought was all too enticing - that Tracyn had been brought here just for me. I couldn't deny that I had thoughts that she could be mine, that such a firey woman was perfectly matched and I didn't have to fight with myself on this. But I didn't feel that undesirable pull toward her that my forebears had taught me about when talking about their one - at least I didn't think what I felt matched what I had been told anyway. I puffed on my pipe for a few moments as I took in his words and shook my head. I wanted to deny Kili, wanted to shout that he was being stupid, but my heart yearned for him to be right.

Too many years had I not felt, not allowed to feel, and now that it wanted to feel I didn't know what to do with that emotion.

"Pure 'bad' luck brought her here not Mahal. She's barely been in our company a month, I know little of what kind of person she is. Tracyn is my ally, my companion and nothing more"

He shrugged his shoulders, lowering his gaze from the sky and looking back at me. The younger dwarf smiled in a rather playful manner, his lips twisting into a smile that was both joyful and tormenting. My stomach dropped into a deep pit within me, I knew very well what it was Kili was about to say before the words even left his lips and hearing them only made the feeling worse.

"Very well. If you are not interested then I may take my chances with the lovely lady. Dwarf or not she's a worthy woman to spend one's life with"

The very thought of someone else pursuing Tracyn sent the twisted knot deeper into me, a burning sensation of jealousy and anger that was new and foreign to me. I pushed it aside, a figment of my stupid imagination and nodded to Kili and Bombur that they could take their leave. So badly did I want to argue with Kili that he didn't feel the pull toward her any more then I did. That it was stupid of him to think that she was my one - that it was beyond rare, perhaps even a myth for a dwarf to be matched outside our own kind.

My thoughts twisted and turned in my head, and the more I argued with myself the more I felt that maybe I was arguing with myself more than anything else.

Kili was right, that despite me not knowing her that long I was more open with her than anyone else in this company. I was drawn to her, wanted to know her more, and I found an immeasurable strength in her confidence and skill. Dwarven women had strength to them, but none of them appealed in quite the same way that Tracyn did. I didn't know why that was, what was it about Tracyn that was so different? As Kili had said she wouldn't take nonsense from any man, maybe that was it? My mind wandered and a smile almost found it's way onto my lips at the vision some poor sap trying to manipulate such a queen. As if she were some weak woman to twist around their fingers only for her to send them away with their proverbial tails between their legs.

"Something up lad?"

I hadn't even realised how slow my pace had become until I heard Balin's voice. The elderly dwarf had been at the back of the group when I had last seen him. I worried the tip of my pipe between my lips, taking in a breath and finding that the weed in the bowl had long since stopped smouldering. How long had I been lost in thought? It must have been a while for my pipeweed to extinguish itself like that.

"No... Yes"

Never had I felt so conflicted.

"Anything I can do to help"

Balin's offer was tempting. If any dwarf in my company knew what was going on it would be him. As an elder Balin knew more about the world then I might ever know, he'd loved, lost, and everything in between. But I also feared what Balin might say, that he might tell me that Kili was right. That Tracyn might be something more than my ally. Yesterday I had been so worried that Kili would be distracted by what was going on between myself and Tracyn, but now I was worried about myself - I was the one that was distracted.

"It is a complicated matter, Balin. I always knew what life was and what I wanted out of it, but now my mind is conflicted and not at ease"

The older dwarf ran a hand through his beard, trying to smooth a few stray strands of hair that had come askew during the ride. His dark eyes were focused on the riders ahead, searching the landscape and eventually settling on where Tracyn walked far ahead of the company. I tried to catch the growl of annoyance at the sight of Kili riding beside her, laughing heartily at whatever it was that she had just said, but I failed at doing it and lamented myself at my lack of control. Balin made a sound of soft understanding, his body shifting heavily in the saddle.

"I think lad, that deep inside you know what you want, but you are in denial. I've seen you try to live your life through the eyes of others, you are strong but you always think people will think poorly of you if you choose something that would bring joy to your life"

"I'm a prince of the line of Durin. I will always be looked to ... expected more of"

I removed the pipe from my lips, resisting the urge to empty the spent leaves on the ground and instead tucked the item into the pocket of my cloak. Tracyn's words had affected me more than I even cared to admit - that she was right. We were leaving a trail behind us that anyone could follow if they dared to do so. Balin rose a brow at my actions, after all, it wasn't like me at all to return the spent leaves to my pocket. He chose not to say anything of it and instead tilted his head in the direction of Tracyn and Kili.

"He is also a prince of the line of Durin, with the same expectations. He doesn't let the thoughts of others worry him so"

He trailed off for a moment letting that thought sink in, that I wasn't the only one left in the line of Durin but was the only one that let it hold me down like an anchor held a ship to the floor of the sea in a storm. I watched Kili as he chatted with Tracyn, the younger dwarf reminding me of myself when I was younger - when I was free of strife and the expectations of the court. While the woman laughed at whatever joke he made, and was happy to talk with him I noted she wasn't as talkative with him as she usually was with me and sometimes would look back at me with a look that said I should save her from my nephew.

"If you want something then you have to stop fighting with yourself and take it. Wait too long and it will be gone, lost forever and you'll never forgive yourself for not taking the chance"

Balin was right, I did have to stop fighting myself. I had to decide what it was I felt for Tracyn before someone else came in and made that choice for me. If Kili did start courting her then I knew I would never forgive myself, that whatever this feeling was inside me would only grow and eat me from the inside out. I didn't understand it, I shouldn't be feeling all this for a woman I barely knew ... but at the same time, I knew her. The moon had made at least one cycle since I had left with her from Bree, that wasn't that short a time really, but I still felt like that wasn't enough. That this was all happening too quickly, that this wasn't normal, and yet Kili didn't let that put him off his sudden interest in pursuing the woman and he knew her even less then I did.

"What if Kili is right? What if she is my one?"

I said the words under my breath.

I both feared and wanted an answer to the question. Fear for what it would mean going forward but also desperately wanting to believe that maybe it would bring some meaning to all the twisted emotions that had been boiling up inside me. Balin as ever was calm. He never judged me for any of the things I did, instead offering calm advice and meaning to a world that ever seemed beyond my understanding. My upbringing as a prince had failed me in so many ways, yes it made me ready to lead my kingdom in such a manner that it would be prosperous - but it had also taught me to push my feelings aside. The feelings I had now were too powerful to easily ignore and I didn't know what to do with them or what all the names for them were. His eyes looked into mine, looking past the grim face that never betrayed inner thoughts and seeing what lay beyond.

"Lad, I can see in your eyes that Kili even showing interest makes you jealous ... don't look at me like that, I know Durin jealousy when I see it as you all get this glazed hate in your eyes. Any woman that makes you feel that twisted up inside is yours. What you do with that information, well that's your choice to make. I know I'd prefer to see her with the one she was intended for, not some plaything for Kili to torment. The lad has a habit of leaving broken hearts everywhere he goes"

Balin gave a slight flick of his reins, enough to make the pony walk on ahead of mine and leave me with my thoughts.

The complicated and twisted thoughts that now made so much sense and yet still confused me so very much.

~*~ Tracyn POV ~*~

The company of Kili was nice enough I guessed.

He knew some crude jokes that coaxed out the loudest of belly laughs from my body, and he had some interesting stories to tell about his youth in the dwarven court. He was a charming lad in his way, full of confidence and a smile that I was sure would cause many a heart to flutter, but I just couldn't bring myself to look at him that way. He was handsome in a way all young men where, with lushly brushed black hair, a well-maintained beard any diplomat in the senate would be proud of and like Thorin, he had that same thick broad-shouldered build and muscular arms that could wield a sword with ease.

The lad was trying hard to get me to like him, I could tell. Kili wasn't using the same pick-up lines that I had heard a dozen times in my life, but the words he used where familiar enough that I knew the intent behind them. It was the tone of his voice more than anything else that told me the lad was trying to seduce me. His deep voice almost silken as each word left his lips, and I found myself internally cringing. Some girls might like men that talked to them in such a way, might even encourage it, but I just didn't find it appealing in the slightest. I felt as if he was more interested in gaining my attention for the sake of 'winning' me rather then wanting to get to know who I was.

As much as he reminded me of Thorin he was nothing like him. Kili was young, eager to please and while he was a nice enough guy he just did nothing for me. Thorin was so different, his way of life gave him a maturity and an understanding he didn't need any fancy words to bring light to our conversations. He was interested in what I was about, actively wanted to know more despite my warnings that he wouldn't like what he would hear.

I turned to look back at where Thorin rode so far behind, silently begging him to save me from the sudden unwanted attention of his nephew but he seemed too far lost in his thoughts to notice my silent plea. I turned back to Kili who seemed oblivious to the fact that I hadn't been paying him any attention in the last little bit, he was still happily talking away to himself with both arms gesturing excitedly in the air. The reins of the pony rested loosely on its neck allowing the poor beast to choose its path - at least the mare seemed smart enough to follow a level enough path without guidance from her rider.

"... perhaps, later on, you might pin me in the same way and show me how to wrestle"

I hadn't caught enough of the start of his sentence, but I knew enough from his tone that Kili was being more than a little lewd. He was almost brazen, his lips curled up in a confident grin and one eyebrow raised suggestively. For him to try a few pick up lines was one thing, but getting so familiar without my asking when I had shown little in the way of interest was beyond the pale.

"Thanks, but no thanks"

He looked offended but didn't have time to respond for I had slapped the rear of his pony causing the animal to bolt and all Kili could do was try to reach for the reins in sheer panic.

Serves him right, maybe he'll think twice before trying to 'woo' me in the future.