A/N Again a wonderful set of reviews. They are so important and enlightening to me. I still am just borrowing these characters.
Leonard had put off calling Penny because frankly he was afraid of what would happen. He knew this was probably their last chance. It was strange, he wanted to be with her; now she was saying she wanted to be with him. So, what was the problem?
Was he that afraid of being hurt again? No, that he could face. He realized what he feared is that by getting back together, they were losing the chance of moving on, of finding someone. Or perhaps even worse, staying together even though they knew it wasn't working, ruining both their chances for happiness. Then there were their jobs. It was easy to say they would deal with that, but he knew how important and part of their lives their careers were.
Having said all that, the trouble was, he was happiest when he was with her. God, why was this so hard?
He finally worked up the courage to call her. They agreed to meet Saturday morning.
Penny stood outside Leonard's apartment, afraid to knock, knowing this was their last chance. She had started out with confidence, but her conversations with Bernadette and the others had made her realize how much she had hurt him, how she had treated him. She finally gathered her courage and knocked.
After he let her in and they were fortified with wine for her and water for him, there was an awkward silence. Finally, Penny took a deep breath and began.
"I don't know the best way to do this. I am so scared I'll screw it up. Maybe it is just best for me to tell you what I am feeling, how I felt about losing the baby, why I have decided we can be together."
With Leonard staying silent, she continued, "At the time I lost the baby, I felt like a failure. I had a deep sense of guilt. I wasn't exactly sure why I felt that way. I accepted the fact that it was something that was not unusual and that there was nothing I could do. But I was deeply bothered that I had not wanted a baby and could not stop thinking that I had somehow caused it."
She took a sip, "It seems so wrong now but I wanted you to be mad at me, to let me know how I disappointed you. Instead you just told me it was okay, that you loved me. I know that should have helped me but for some reason it made me feel less worthy, that I wasn't deserving of it. I was just so filled with self-pity. When you said we could try again, it scared me, I couldn't stand the thought of failing again."
She took another breath, "When I visited my parents, my sister said something that brought back a memory that I had suppressed. I realized the real reason I had felt so guilty, so worthless."
She took another drink and looked into his eyes, "I remembered that when I learned I had lost the baby, I was relieved, I was glad my baby was dead."
She saw the shock in his face as he took his eyes from hers. Fighting not to tear up, she hurried on, "Because of how I felt, I knew you deserved someone better, someone who was worthy of your love. I got the stupid idea I needed to hurt you enough so you would let me go. To let you know how I was not worthy of your love."
"That guy I cheated with didn't mean anything to me. Hell, I don't even remember his name. Then when you forgave me for that, all I could think of was hurting you more. I never felt anything for Sheldon, I just wanted to hurt you so you would know I didn't deserve you."
Seeing he was ready to talk, she hurried on. "When you came to Switzerland, I realized I still loved you. It was so wonderful to be with you. And then those days in New York…"
"But I decided nothing had changed, that I still felt I didn't deserve you. That I wasn't what you needed."
She finished off her glass, "After you had left, I had some symptoms and wondered if I was pregnant. When the test came back negative, I was stunned and pleased that I was disappointed to the point I cried. I realized that I did want your baby, even if it would have been a bad time for my career."
"I was so happy. I felt that I could now be what you needed, that I could give you what you deserved. That's when I decided we deserved another chance."
She took a deep breath and again spoke before he could, "When I talked to Bernadette and Sheldon and Amy, I realized I had never thought of something very important, how this all affected you. It was all about me, about my feelings, my guilt. I never thought how what I was doing to you. I never gave a thought about how deeply you were hurt by losing a child. God, I really was worthless. When you needed me the most, I turned my back on you, I cheated on you."
In spite of telling herself she wouldn't do it, she started to cry, "I don't know if you can ever forgive me or trust me enough for us to try again, but I believe we still love each other and that we do make each other happy."
She reached out and took his hands, "Can we try again? I love you, Leonard, more than anything. Please give us another chance."
As she released her hands, Leonard sat stunned by what he had heard. It had always bothered him when she was upset and was relieved when she pulled herself together. When she had said how she felt when she realized the baby was dead, it had shaken him to the core. He could see how deeply that would affect her, how it could cause such guilt. He felt he could understand how she would feel unworthy of his love. As difficult as it was, he could perhaps even understand how his trying to help by letting her know how much he loved her could have actually made her feel worse.
He could see how her believing she now wanted to be pregnant, to have children, would have made her feel she could be with him.
But as shocking as all that had been, it really didn't change anything. He had suspected something like that was bothering her and had forgiven her for a long time. After all, he had continued to love her and want to be with her even after that first cheating. He had correctly taken that as a sign for help.
It was also true that when they had met in Switzerland and later in New York, he had felt he wanted them to get back together. But even then, there was something he felt he was missing. That was the reason he had left early, that something was wrong.
Now, after hearing what the others had said, he realized he had known the real reason they had broken up. He had not wanted to admit it, to face it. Ironically, it was not because of the loss of the baby directly. That tragedy had just torn open what had always been a problem between them.
It had been exposed the first time he told her loved her. When she had eventually said it back, they fooled themselves that it had been put behind them. But the truth was, Penny had never really given herself completely to him. She had never fully committed to them being together. She had always been careful to keep part of herself safe. Whenever something threatened them, she withdrew from him. He always had to drag how she felt out of her. She always sought to protect herself, to concentrate on her feelings and her needs. Not only wouldn't she let him help her by sharing her concerns with him, she often gave no thought to his concerns at all. She let herself believe that she was doing him a favor, that she was doing some noble thing, shutting him out.
There was also their careers. That would be a problem in any case, but the way Penny hid what she was feeling…
Penny wiped at her eyes, wondering what Leonard was thinking. She poured herself another glass and taking a big gulp, beginning to feel more and more worried as he continued to not say anything.
Leonard finally gathered himself. He could not believe what he was about to say, but it was best for both of them.
"Penny, I am so sorry about what you went through. I cannot imagine how difficult it must have been for you. It bothers me that I could not help you, to have somehow made you feel better. It probably means nothing now, but I don't think your feelings were as awful as you believed. I have a feeling many others have felt the same."
"I wish you would have opened up either to me or your other friends, to let us try to help, to not keep it all locked inside."
He took a deep breath and lifted his eyes to hers, "Penny, I don't know exactly how to say this. No, it's that I don't want to say this."
"Penny, I think I know why we have always struggled."
He paused again, "Penny, you have never committed yourself to me. You have always held something back. You have always been more concerned about how things affect you rather than how they affect us. You have often not given any thought to how I feel. I don't know if you are afraid of giving yourself completely to me or maybe just don't trust me." He paused, "Maybe it is just us, who we are."
"You're right. When we lost the baby, when I needed you the most, I felt you pulling away. It should have brought us together, instead it tore us apart."
He began to tear up, "I'm sorry, Penny, I am so sorry, but I don't think we belong together. Whether it's me or you, there is something missing between us. As happy as you make me, as much as I'll miss you, as much as I love you, we both deserve more. I know now I need something more."
Penny was crushed, she couldn't believe what she was hearing. She wanted to scream at him that he was wrong. That she was committed to him, that they belonged together. But at the same time, she knew he was right. She realized she had been avoiding facing the truth ever since Bernadette had pointed it out. She thought back to all the times they had struggled. She had always done what was necessary to try to protect herself, never allowing Leonard in, never giving them a chance to work it out.
So, when a real crisis had happened, when her love was tested, she had failed. It had been easier to wallow in self-pity then to open herself to Leonard. What had she been afraid of? There had to have been something wrong with her, something that had prevented her from giving herself completely to him. Had she not trusted him? Maybe she had always felt, deep down, that she wasn't right for him. Maybe she believed what everyone said.
It was probably also true that Leonard's background had caused him to find it difficult to believe she really loved him. Maybe she just wasn't capable of giving him what he needed.
She remembered that conversation with Raj about romance when he told her she had never had to work at it, that men just were attracted to her, that she had gotten by on her looks.
Maybe deep down, she still felt that was why Leonard was with her. That he would not otherwise be interested in her. Maybe she was just afraid of being hurt. Afraid he would see her for what she was. She realized in a way she had always felt that way, that she was liked largely because of her looks.
After all, she had thought that she loved Kurt and that he loved her, but then he had betrayed her. She remembered what Beverly had said, that her self-worth depended on how others viewed her.
She sighed, Hell, maybe this was all for the best. She just needed to accept what was. Accept that love may not be for her. She was a movie star. She could have all the men she wanted.
Leonard was right. She couldn't commit herself to him. Trying to think she could had just caused them both pain.
She looked at him. In spite of what they both now knew, she felt herself tearing up. She knew she would miss him dearly, but she wasn't what he needed.
But then her mind screamed NO! GOD DAMMIT! NO! That may have been me then, but I am different now, I understand so much more about me, about us. I am not going to give up on us. I am not going to have it end like this.
Taking a deep breath, "Leonard." She fought the tears, "Everything you say is true. You have every right to think what you do. But I believe it is different now. I understand more about me, about us. I do know that we are good together, that we do love each other, that I am happier with you than without you. We knew this would not be easy, that we would likely hurt each other. But I still want to give us every chance. We agreed not to make any decision now, but to wait while I went off to do my picture."
Leonard sighed. She was right he had agreed, but he now felt it would just be more time for them to fool themselves, more time to hurt each other. Something to stop them both from moving on.
He finally said, "I know I agreed, Penny, but I just think we will be fooling ourselves. I frankly do not want to keep living this false hope. How long will this go on?"
"Once we start shooting, about three to four months. It will be a couple of months before we start."
Seeing the look on his face, she added, "How about this? Give it four months from today. If nothing has changed, I promise I will let it go." She looked in his eyes, "Just four months, Leonard. Can't we spare that after all we have been through together? Please, Leonard, give us this last chance."
Leonard knew he should say no, but she was right, he had agreed to try.
"Alright, Penny, four months. But I don't think anything will change."
Penny smiled, "Thank you, Leonard. But don't give up on us yet."
Seeing her smile, Leonard had to smile back. He realized he was glad she had convinced him to think some more. Then he berated himself, God, wouldn't he ever learn?
Penny's good mood didn't last long. She knew she had bought some time, but it was highly likely this was the end.
They both sat awkwardly for a time, neither knowing what to do next.
Finally, Penny rose. "I should probably be going. We both have a lot to think about." She suddenly felt herself tearing up, realizing this could be the last time she saw would ever see him. She now wished she hadn't said they would not have sex. But she also knew that was for the best. It would just make it harder to leave afterwards.
Leonard rose with her. He felt a deep well of sadness. He knew he needed to move on, but he still loved her. At least the four months would enable them both to perhaps gain some closure. Maybe they could somehow be friends again…
"I guess you're right." Then he felt himself tearing up, "I will miss you, Penny. I do love you."
Penny began to cry, "I love you too, Leonard. If it doesn't work out, I hope you find someone that deserves you."
Leonard move forward and hugged her, which she returned as they both were crying.
He pulled back and finding a smile, "Goodbye, Penny. I hope the same for you. Good luck with your movie."
Wiping her tears, she managed to say, "Thank you. Goodbye, Leonard, take care."
She stood for a moment, not wanting to leave, thinking there should be something more to say. But then she turned and left without looking back.
