In the excitement of yesterday, I had all but forgotten about Visiting Day; which I've been anticipating and dreading ever since I transferred. My family will be there, that much I know, the real question is what they'll say when they arrive. Like I've said before, I've always known that my parents don't exactly admire the Dauntless like I do. Of course I don't expect them to be exactly happy with me, I mean I did ditch them and also lie about it the night before and the day of. Granted, I didn't know I would be here either; imagining it in retrospect I guess I had just assumed Erudite would be where I would remain, but I didn't.
We all get ready in silence, and this is arguably more tense than yesterday. At least we're all accustomed to fighting to varying degrees, it's something that we all know how to deal with. Our families are another matter entirely. I assume that some doubt their parents will come at all, Tris wears this fear on her face as she gets ready. This should be easy for me, I know how this is going to go; I'm going to walk out of this room to the Pit and find my family, we'll talk, and then they'll leave. I've been through Visiting Days before with Mark and Minerva, I guess the trouble is just that I've never experienced a Dauntless Visiting Day.
Two weeks ago, I bought myself a dress specifically for this occasion, and luckily I picked one with long sleeves. I picked it in hopes that it would be something my very fashionable family would like, and we all always got new clothes for special occasions anyways.
Petty things like that mean everything now.
I use up much of my concealer and foundation covering the bruises that my clothes don't; and I try to ignore the pain that comes from doing my makeup but I can't help but grimace. By Erudite standards - between my hair which has obviously not been well kept as in the past five weeks, my bruised and calloused skin, and sloppy makeup - I look terrible. By Dauntless standards, I actually look alright. I just don't know what I should be adhering to today; both? Neither? Somewhere in between? Does it even matter?
Well of course it matters, I want to look nice. I pull my hair back into a style more elaborate than the one I've been pulling it back into for training, and stare at my reflection as if I can will myself to look better.
Deciding that there's nothing more I can do, I go back into the dorm. Will is sitting up on his bed, running his fingers through his gelled hair and I beckon him down to sit next to me.
"How do I look?" he asks.
I'm tempted to make a snarky comment, but instead I smile at him and say, "You look great."
"So do you."
"Hah, wait till you see my family. I won't look half as good as they do."
"You don't even look as good as you did on the first day." He laughs.
I roll my eyes. "Gee, thanks."
"Relax." He props his arm up on my shoulder. "You're great, especially considering you've spent the last five weeks getting the shit kicked out of you."
Tris, Christina, and Al join us a minute later and when I glance at Tris I laugh. Her shirt is nothing by most standards, even rather modest from a Dauntless' perspective based on what I've seen, but it's not something that she'd ever be allowed to wear in Abnegation.
I gasp dramatically. "Tris, is that your neck?"
"Your collarbones!" Will joins in.
"And those pants-" Christina can't even finish her sentence before collapsing into a fit of giggles.
Tris flushes and then scowls. "Shut up."
That only spurs us to laugh harder and even Al buries his face in his hands to muffle his laughter.
The door opens and the room quiets immediately. Eric walks in.
"Attention!" he shouts unnecessarily. "I want to give you some advice about today. If by some miracle your families do come to visit you..." He scans our faces and smirks "...which I doubt, it is best not to seem too attached. That will make it easier for you, and easier for them. We also take the phrase 'faction before blood' very seriously here. Attachment to your family suggests you aren't entirely pleased with your faction, which would be shameful. Understand?"
I resist the urge to roll my eyes and nod instead. I vaguely understand what he's getting at, but I've always believed that 'faction before blood' was bullshit and I'm not about to change because of his empty threat.
"You look nice, Mimi," Myra says on her way out of the dormitory. Her bow is back, but it's black now and keeps her newly lilac hair tied in a messy bun. Like me, she's tried to imitate the Erudite style while still keeping within Dauntless norms.
"Aw, thanks. So do you."
"I still think you should let me do your hair." She reaches behind me and runs her fingers over my braid. "Not purple because that's my color, but I think blue would look nice."
I roll my eyes. "Oh that's real subtle and definitely won't get me chewed out by Eric."
She snorts. "Fuck Eric. And it's not like you're doing yourself any favors being subtle. Even Tris is showing off her tattoo."
I give her a deadpan look. "Hey, I like my style thank you very much."
"So do I; it suits you. I'm just saying that you could stand to make it a little more...Dauntless."
I smile and shake my head. "Look, I'll think about it; okay?"
She returns it. "Okay."
I fall back to walk with Christina and Will, Will mid joke and Christina groans but laughs anyways,
"God," Christina groans. "That was bad ."
"I pride myself on it," Will says smugly.
"Of course you do." Christina rolls her eyes. She glances around me and then frowns. "Hey, where are Al and Tris?"
"Um...I don't know." Both of them seem to have dematerialized, quite a feat given that we're all walking down the same hallway and there's only ten people.
However, my attention is immediately pulled away when we arrive in the Pit, the main floor of which has been closed off today. I would expect it to be mostly empty given the small amount of transfers, but it's actually rather crowded. Older Dauntless visit with other faction members, presumably friends and family that they left behind; all of them smiling and looking generally happy to see each other.
Faction before blood my ass.
"Wow," Christina half-whispers.
"I know, right?" Will mutters back.
I spot my family among the crowd, not that that's really hard; they kind of tend to draw attention. My four siblings, my parents, and Maureen walk slowly through the crowd.
"I'll see you guys later," I say and then start walking down one of the sets of stairs, my heart pounding in my chest. Happy as I am, I'm surprised and a little hurt that Jeanine, Gwendolyn, and Victoria are all missing.
Melanie sees me first and she grins, walking toward me with the others right behind her.
"Mimette!" she exclaims and hugs me tightly.
"Hey, Mel." I lean away after a second but hold onto her arms. "Where are Gwen and Vic?"
She pulls a face. "Er...Don't take offence when I say this, but they...didn't want to come." Something in my face must change because she gives me an apologetic look. "It's not your fault it's just that...uh…"
"No." I nod. "No, I get it."
I know Gwendolyn and Victoria have problems with Dauntless, both being associated with it and being here physically. For Gwendolyn she feels that it undermines something about her respectability, and for some Erudite I'm very well aware that it might. As for Victoria, well her parents died here. I don't know the details of the event but I know that it was awful and it's just better for her to be kept as far away as possible.
That doesn't mean I'm not secretly a little hurt.
I let go and look around her at the rest of my family. "Hi, guys."
We must look sort of ridiculous to other people; most families tend to stick in one faction with maybe one or two anomalies, my family in particular has a long history in Erudite. But everyone knows that Maureen is a transfer, she got her first gold at fourteen as a Candor and she simply never stopped competing. Erudite's won every inter-faction championship since she transferred.
My parents and siblings are names and faces that everybody needs to know, just not all in same faction. Most of the transfers in my class are from Candor, and of the families that came I can see then casting glances at Minerva; Peter's father - a large and burly man with a loud voice - outright stares as he speaks to his son.
My mother moves to Melanie's side and runs her hand over my cheek, right over one of my many, many bruises, which I have to fight the urge to flinch away from. She blinks quickly and starts to open her mouth like there's something she wants to say. Then she pulls me into a tight hug. "Hello, my dear."
"Hi, Mom." It takes everything I have not to start crying on the spot.
She kisses the top of my head. "I love you so. We've–" she stops short but it doesn't matter because I know what she was going to say. My family misses me.
"I love you too." I press my face into her shoulder so the others can't see how choked up I'm getting.
"Now, don't cry," she mutters loud enough for only me to hear. "This is a happy occasion." She puts her hand on the back of my head, smoothing down my hair and then kisses me again.
I nod and we let go, but the child in me wants to fling myself back into her arms immediately.
"Jeanine sends her love, by the way. She wishes she could be here but something came up and one of us had to take care of it. I'm sure you understand by now."
I nod.
She smiles. "Of course you do. How are you?"
"I'm fine." I wish I could tell them everything that's happened since I left, but I don't want to worry them.
Michael and Minerva both give me a disbelieving look.
"' Fine' ," Minerva quotes back at me with a laugh. "Really is that all? I would have figured Dauntless would be more exciting than that."
"Uh…I, uh...it is?"
They laugh.
Her voice softens as much as it can. "It's really good to see you, Mim." I have to stand on my toes to wrap my arms around her neck, and that's even as she bends. Her arms wrap around my waist and then my feet leave the ground entirely. I gasp and laugh as she spins me around, laughing as well.
Mark makes a noise that sounds more like a squawk than anything else. "Oh my god, put her down!" His hand is over his mouth like he's shocked, but I can tell he's trying to muffle his own laughter. "Minerva!"
She sets me back on my own two feet and I stumble away, still laughing. Mark braces me with his huge hands on my shoulders and then pulls me into a crushing hug of his own.
"I've missed you," he says.
"Missed you too." My voice is muffled by his chest.
"So why don't you tell us about how exciting it's been," my father says as he pulls me into a hug of his own. "Your mother says you have a few friends."
"Uh, yeah." I glance around the Pit, finding Tris, Christina, and Will all together. "They're over there. And then...well Myra, Edward, and Al are around here somewhere I'm sure."
"Well are you going to introduce us?" Mark says.
"I mean yeah I guess."
I hug Michael and Maureen at the same time; Michael clapping me on the shoulder as I lean back and Maureen leaning forward to kiss me on the forehead.
"Oh," Maureen says out of the blue. "I almost forgot you hadn't heard yet."
"Heard what?"
She and Michael exchange grins and Michael says, "Do you want to tell her or should I?"
"Oh I absolutely do." She turns back to me, beaming and twisting a lock of fire colored hair through her fingers. "I'm pregnant."
I return her smile. "Oh Maureen, that's wonderful."
"Yeah," Michael says just as enthusiastically. "We're really, really, really, really…" He chuckles, "really happy."
"I had my first dress fitting," Melanie says. "And Gwen's is in a week."
"She looks beautiful," my mother says, Michael and Maureen nod along.
I smile through my pangs of sadness; they're talking about things that I won't really get to see. Of course I'll meet Michael and Maureen's child eventually but I won't really be there like I would be if I stayed, I won't get to go to Melanie's wedding even if there was a chance they'd want me there at all, I won't get to see Victoria grow up and become her own person and then choose for herself. I'll always be a part of the family, but I'll be more like Mark and Minerva - distant satellites that they hardly ever see. And I'll be Dauntless, which sets me a world apart really; Amity and Candor are different, they're close collaborators with Erudite and considered to be more 'respectable' if one absolutely must transfer. In contrast, Dauntless is...frowned upon at best; not as bad as being Abnegation, but still mildly embarrassing for the transfers' families.
That's why I have to do well here, failure is absolutely not an option because I've already kind of embarrassed my family by leaving; the least I can do is make something of myself.
"How are the others?" I ask. "Jeanine, Gwen, and Vic?"
"Jeanine and I are busy as ever," my mother says. "Between initiation and the fiasco with the council…" she trails off, grimacing. My father shifts the arm that was linked in hers to put his hand on her shoulder.
"What fiasco?" I ask.
She makes a dismissive gesture. "Nothing you need to concern yourself with."
"Oh, well how's initiation stuff going?"
"Wouldn't know," Melanie says. "Things are so busy that Michael, Gwendolyn, and I couldn't teach out initiation classes this year. We had to bring in the alternates."
As a public service, all of the department heads are required to pass on what they know to others, that's how the manifesto puts it I think. Basically, they have to teach other people their subject of specialty. Most of them teach a class during initiation because that's easy to coordinate and requires not much effort on their part in general, the initiates will take whatever knowledge they can get from them whether they're actually good teachers or not. The ones that don't - because their schedule doesn't permit it, or because their subject isn't really meant to be covered at all during initiation and they don't have a related field, or simply because they simply don't feel like dealing with a bunch of teenagers for ten weeks out of their year - do professional developments or seminars at the college.
No one who works for or with the council is held to this standard of course, even if they had a subject to teach most of them wouldn't be able to find the time anyways. But as I've said before, everyone's busy; but I can't fathom what might be so time consuming that it pulls the heads of the psychology, engineering, and chemistry away from one of their biggest annual duties.
"What's going on?" I ask.
"Nothing you need to concern yourself with," Melanie mimics what our mother said.
"Nothing personal," Michael says. "We just can't really talk about it."
Minerva gives them an odd look, as a Candor I suppose she's not used to people withholding information. Though we try to pretend, Mark and Minerva have been gone a while and their definition of normal just isn't the same anymore. They aren't the same anymore.
"So, let's meet these friends of yours; shall we?" Mark says.
"Um, yeah of course." I lead them across the Pit to the small cluster.
"Back off, Tris," I hear Will say. "You're not punching my sister."
"Oh?" Tris raises her eyebrows and crosses her arms. "You think so."
"Hey guys," I interrupt and Will looks relieved, then he and the woman next to him – obviously his sister – both pull a face when they look at my family. So does everyone else for that matter.
"John, Carolina," Tris' mother says.
"Natalie," my mother says coldly.
"You two know each other?" I ask.
"In passing." My mother's voice is positively frozen and my father looks no happier.
Tris and I share a look, we both knew that this was coming; her father and my mother don't exactly get along.
"It's so nice that you two girls are close," my father says to me with no emotion.
"Yes," my mother says. "Wonderful."
I laugh nervously and after a second Tris joins in, some of the tension falling off her shoulders. Christina and Will glance at each other and join us. Will' older sister gives her brother a Look, the same one that Michael give me. Melanie puts her hands on my shoulders and my laughter tapers off.
"So these are your friends?"
"Well some of them; like I said, I'm sure that Edward, Al, and Myra are around here somewhere I'm just not sure where."
She hums in acknowledgement; she's not looking at me anymore, instead she's staring at Will's sister, who is not so subtly glaring back.
"Great," she says flatly. "Really, I'm so glad that you've gotten close to people. That's really, really…" she glances back at Will's sister, "great."
Michael snickers and mutters to her, "That's karma is what it is." She gives him a withering glare that he shrugs off.
"Dr. Malachite and I took a few classes together, Will," his sister explains.
"You're gonna have to be a little more specific than that, you changed majors like eight times," Will says and the twins snicker, much to his sister's very obvious annoyance.
She rolls her eyes. "When I studied psychology."
Will glances at Melanie tentatively. "Uh, yeah. That makes sense."
Melanie is still drumming her long fake nails on my shoulder and I don't have to look back to know that she's not enjoying this conversation.
"Oh for the love of god." Michael rolls his eyes and gives Will and I an exasperated look. "They didn't get along and they still don't get along. They also–" One of her hands leaves my shoulders as she drives her elbow back into Michael's chest. He wheezes but he's laughing so hard he has to steady himself on Maureen, who is also dying of laughter. Mark makes a disapproving noise under his breath and Minerva laughs.
Will laughs and raises his eyebrows at his sister and then looks back at me, still kind of snickering under his breath. "Oh by the way, Mimi, this is my sister, Cara."
"It's lovely to meet you," I say.
"And the same to you, Mimi.
"Mimi?" My mother looks at me, her eyebrows raised.
"Uh, yeah. I, um, I changed it. Mimette just...didn't really fit anymore."
"I suppose it wouldn't," my father says. "Mimette is a very Erudite name and Dauntless is...different."
Christina grins and turns to Will. "Please tell me 'Will' is short for 'William."
"Ah, no. Sorry to disappoint." He can barely get through his sentence without laughing.
"Hi." The older woman behind Christina - presumably her mother - says. "I'm Stephanie, Christina's mother. This is my husband, Julian, and our younger daughter, Rose."
"Hi," Rose chirps, giving a little wave.
"Pleasure," my mother says. "Carolina Malachite."
"I know," Stephanie says.
I rock back on my heels sort of awkwardly for a second. "And, uh, my siblings; Mark, Minerva, Melanie, and Michael."
"Wow," Christina says, drawing out the 'o'.
I shrug, knowing what she's referring to. "Yeah, it's kind of a thing."
"Christina hadn't mentioned that she'd befriended a faction leader's daughter," Julian says.
"Two," Stephanie corrects him with a nod at Tris.
Christina shrugs and then her eyes fix on Maureen, a nervous smile spreading across her face. "I mean apparently Mimi forgot to mention that she's related to god's gift to figure skating." She turns to me. "How did that just never come up?"
I shrug.
Maureen chuckles. "It's so flattering to meet someone in another faction who follows my work."
"I mean you've never lost a competition. They say that you're one of the greatest ever, and I'm just such a fan of figure skating." She laughs nervously and then gives Minerva a nervous glance. Minerva smiles at her and she looks away.
"Well," Natalie says, "I should be going. Stephanie, Julian, was so lovely to meet you." She turns to her daughter. "Beatrice, would you be so kind as to walk me to the door?"
Tris nods, seeming eager to get out of the conversation for some reason.
"We'll see you at the Fall Gala, Mrs. Prior," my father says and there's something off in his tone, though I can't quite tell what it is.
Natalie gives him a very obviously fake smile. "I look forward to it, Dr. Captor."
"Give Representative Prior our best," my mother says, flashing a saccharine smile to match my father's.
Something in Natalie's expression falters for a minute before she recovers her composure and says, "I'll be sure to." She turns on her heel and walks away.
Mark and Minerva give our parents wary looks that I don't understand. Council drama I assume, and Minerva as a Candor likely takes offence to our parents' obviously forced kindness - if you can even call it that.
"Wow," I say to Will. "That was…a lot. What did we walk up on?"
Will frowns. "Cara was kind of being an asshole but Tris, uh, well...she just kind of snapped at her.
Cara rolls her eyes at the description of events. "I was not. I was simply pointing out that-"
"You were being rude and you shouldn't have said that."
"Not terribly out of the ordinary," I hear Melanie mutter.
Michael laughs. "Oh my god."
"What was that, Malachite?" Cara snaps, something poisonous in her tone. She doesn't seem to care that Melanie's a department head, that she's staring down a portion of her faction's leadership.
"Oh, here we go." Michael rolls his eyes, he and Maureen share an exasperated look.
Will gives me an apologetic look that I return.
"Let's not kid ourselves, Erble, you don't exactly have a track record of knowing when to hold your tongue."
"Melanie," I hiss, an embarrassed flush coming over my cheeks.
Michael and Maureen are laughing so hard that have to hold onto each other to keep from doubling over, Will looks just as embarrassed as I am.
"Mimette's right," Mark says. "This is neither the time nor the place."
Melanie glares at him but not me and Cara rolls her eyes.
"There's food in the dining hall," Christina blurts out. "Lunch and whatever."
"Food makes everything better," Will says with a stilted awkwardness that Christina and I can't help but laugh at.
"He's not wrong," Minerva agrees.
Our three families follow our lead to the dining hall, all together there are more of us than there are the rest of the initiates families. It seems that Molly, Al, and Drew's parents didn't even show up.
As we walk up the stairs, I spot Edward and Myra arm in arm talking to three adults in blue; a short man with light brown hair, and two women holding hands; one of them is tall like Edward and the other has the same wavy hair as him.
Myra catches sight of me and waves, I smile and wave back.
"Another friend of yours?" Mark says.
I nod. "Yeah, both of them. Edward and Myra; Edward's, like, the best in our class and Myra's really super sweet."
"I like her hair," Minerva says.
"She's been offering to do mine for like two weeks now."
"Yeah," Will cuts in. "But apparently red's 'too gaudy'."
Mark looks down at his red button up with exaggerated offence. "Well now I know why you didn't join me in Amity."
Michael, Melanie, Maureen, my parents, and my friends laugh but his words chill me to the bone. I could have, I almost did, I really thought about it. I try not to think about it anymore because then I'll only get stuck on what might have been.
I notice that Minerva's not laughing either, that she seems to be physically swallowing some sort of statement.
Maureen twists a piece of her straightened red to blonde ombre hair around her finger. "Jeez, Mim, you could have said something, you know."
That gets a laugh out of me. "No, that wasn't what I meant at all, you two. You look fine; I meant on me."
"So I take it you haven't changed much since you left?" Minerva says. "Aside from your wardrobe obviously, which looks fantastic by the way."
"I mean, things are different now if that's what you mean. I mean my friends and all." I grin at them.
"Aw look who's finally willing to admit that she actually likes us," Will drawls. "Ice Queen's growing a heart. I know you could."
I turn back to Minerva. "Except for Will, he's actually the worst."
"You hurt me, Mimi."
"Aw, poor baby," Christina and I say in unison with the exact same expression of mock sympathy.
He turns to Cara. "This has been the last five weeks of my life. Like, I've somehow managed to make the meanest friends in the world."
"Why do you three hang out if you hate each other so much?" Rose says.
"Actually, I adore Mimi," Christina says.
"Aw, and I you, Chris," I say.
"Will, however, is kind of a dick."
Rose giggles and nearly doubles over laughing when Will presses a hand to his chest and gasps dramatically.
"Oh yeah, 'cause it's totally just me."
"It is you," I say. "I thought you were supposed to be self-aware."
He rolls his eyes. "Bite me, Mimi."
"We also have Tris and Al," Christina says to Rose. "Al is, like, the teddy bear of the group; and Tris is the awesome, kind-hearted glue that holds us all together."
"She didn't seem very kind to me," Rose says.
"Well, my sister does tend to bring out the worst in people," Will says.
Cara shrugs. "What can I say, it's a gift."
Melanie inhales like she's going to say something, but Mark nudges her with his arm and she shuts her mouth again.
We arrive in the packed dining hall where the smell of food hits us from the moment we open the doors. Inside, most of the people milling around are Dauntless members but I notice that Peter has come up here with his parents too.
"At some point, I'd like to meet your instructor," my mother says.
I fight the urge to grimace, she's not going to like Four and I really don't want her to worry. I also would rather not have him telling her all that's gone on over the past five weeks, she already doesn't approve of Dauntless and really what she's seen is only scratching the surface.
After we get our food and are walking to the table, an excited voice calls out Maureen's name. She turns and I look back over my shoulder to see a woman in a sparkling black crop-top, shorts, and thigh high socks despite the fact that it's October coming toward us. Her aqua blue hair is tied into a messy bun and she has a partially completed sleeve of tattoos on her left arm.
Maureen beams and drops Michael's hand to approach her.
The Dauntless woman pulls her into a hug and says, "It's been too long."
"Entirely," Maureen says. "How have you been?"
"Oh you know, not so bad; initiation's always the best time of the year here in Dauntless. How's Giselle?"
"She's great. Seeing someone, I think she works in the…physics department, I wanna say. I'm not really sure, I've had one three second conversation with her and that was a month ago. But yeah, she's looking forward to the Showcase as always."
Giselle Reichenbach is the captain of Erudite's gymnastics team, which is pretty major in my – their faction. Figure skating is more Candor's sport, though people in other factions are allowed to compete. There's a fair amount of bitterness that Erudite's won every women's solo championship in the past five years, which is when Maureen transferred. The Erudite team was a joke before her and now not only are they a threat but they're constantly the ones to beat.
"Wonderful. And how are you? Practicing hard for the start of the season I assume."
"Actually I'm not competing this year." She flashes a wicked grin. "Candor might actually have a shot at winning their title back."
The woman suddenly looks concerned. "Did something happen, why aren't you competing?"
"Well I guess you could put it that way…"
She grabs Maureen's arm. "Come on, the suspense is killing me."
"I'm pregnant."
The woman squeals and hugs her again. "Congratulations! When did you find out?"
"I had the procedure done a little under three weeks ago."
"I'm so happy for you." She leans back but keeps her hands on Maureen's shoulders. "So what brings you to Dauntless?"
"My little sister-in-law." Maureen points her thumb in my direction.
The woman looks at our group for the first time, though Will and Christina along with their families went to go find a table and sit down some time ago.
"Hi ya," she says. She lets go of Maureen and walks over to me, nodding at Michael as she does.
"Um, hi." I glance back at Maureen. "I don't believe we've met."
She smiles. "I'm Amelie Lacamoire, Dauntless' prima ballerina. Mau and I are fans of each other's work."
"Um, nice to meet you. I'm Mimi."
"Mmm, nice." She looks back at Maureen. "I'll leave y'all to your family time. See you at the Faction Gala, and tell Gisa I send my love."
"I will. Bye."
"I didn't know you had Dauntless friends," I say to Maureen as we cross the dining hall to rejoin Will and Christina.
"I have a Dauntless friend. But really, Amelie's great; it's practically impossible not to like her."
Generally, my whole family doesn't seem to be especially keen on the Dauntless. Even Michael appears to just barely tolerate Amelie, if he doesn't just avoid her entirely. I'd imagine that it's different for Maureen, being a transfer and all, though she came from Candor.
"She seemed nice," I say.
"Don't you remember going to the Showcases, Mimette?" my father says. "Dance is the once good thing ever to come out of Dauntless."
"Gwendolyn and Victoria," Melanie corrects him.
"Ah, right, of course."
I nod. "I remember."
Twice a year the performing arts center holds a massive showcase that every faction but Abnegation participates in – well actually the Abnegation work behind the scenes. It's a huge event and one that my family always attends and more importantly, always attends together. It's one of the things that keeps us close. I've seen the Dauntless dancers more than a few times, but I think I would have remembered a ballerina with bright blue hair.
"Ams changes her hair every like six months and often wears wigs in her performances," Maureen says, "but I can't believe you've never met her before. We talk all the time; how do you think we always get such great seats to the Dauntless performances?"
I shrug. "Honestly I thought that was Mom."
"You should consider talking to her, she's a great teacher and I'm sure she'd just love to teach you."
I shrug again. Dance has never really been my thing, though Amelie does seem sweet.
We sit down at the table Will and Christina got, one of the long bench ones to fit all of us and start eating.
"What was that about?" Christina asks.
"Apparently my sister-in-law has Dauntless friends I didn't know about."
"I have one Dauntless friend," she reminds me.
"Yeah, that's one more than I figured you'd have."
She rolls her eyes. "We're just fans of each other's work."
"So," Minerva puts her elbows on the table and leans forward to look at me around our parents, who are sitting between us. "tell me everything."
"Oh yes," Melanie says. "I'm sure we're all just dying to know what exactly goes on during Dauntless' initiation."
Will, Christina, and I exchange nervous glances. There's absolutely nothing we could tell them that wouldn't make them worry, let alone everything.
"I'm also really curious to know if this fifth friend of yours actually exists," Michael says. "What's his name, Hal?"
"Al," I correct him. "And yes, he exists, he just has a terrible habit of disappearing."
"And where's Tris?" Christina adds. "I doubt it takes this long to walk someone to the door."
Will laughs humorlessly and awkwardly. "Yeah, I can't imagine why she wouldn't want to come back."
"Oh come off it," Cara says.
"Would it kill you to not actually be the worst for once." He looks back at us. "I'm so sorry."
I chuckle. "Will, I have four siblings; I know."
"Sis," Melanie says, a joking warning in her tone.
"Don't pick fights you can't win," Mark says too lightly for the – albeit joking – threat in his words.
"Good to know you're as much of a jerk to your siblings as you are to me." Will laughs.
I smirk. "I mean the difference is that I actually like my siblings."
He scoffs. "You love me, I've heard you say it before."
I bark out a laugh. "That's debatable."
"Terrible." He shakes his head a little bit and then leans it on Christina's shoulder. "Help me, Chris."
"Oh you are so on your own on this one." She pats his cheek and then pushes his head off her shoulder.
"No but jokes aside," I turn back to Michael. "I actually do really like my friends, they're amazing."
"Oh I can tell." Michael and Maureen share a smile that I don't understand.
"So you three – or five, whatever – have each other," Stephanie says. "That's great. You know, all of Christina's friends stayed in Candor and I was so worried she'd be lonely."
"Mom, I'm fine." Christina suddenly seems very uncomfortable with the turn the conversation has taken.
Will and I both nod understandingly.
"Yeah I mean pretty much all my friends stayed in Erudite," Will says. "'Xcept for Edward of course, but like of course he of all people would be here."
Cara raises her eyebrows. "Edward's here?"
"Yes." He groans. "And no, we're not going to talk to him."
"I had a friend who transferred to Amity," I say.
"I've seen her," Mark says. "Cassandra, right?"
"Casey."
"She's doing well, she seems very…happy."
I smile. "That's good. I'm glad."
"D'you miss her?" He seems genuinely curious, resting his head on his hand and staring at me with wide eyes.
Mark knew Casey, knew her in the same way my siblings and I all knew each other's friends back when we were all together. Still, after all these years I'm surprised that he remembers and cares enough about her to pay attention to her progress in initiation.
A wave of nerves washes over me. I have to answer this question very carefully so that I don't come off wrong on with end. I settle for a shrug. "We both made our choices. It was…an eventuality we were prepared for."
He gives me a curious look, but lets the subject drop.
"So, training," Stephanie says. "I can tell by the sheer amount of makeup caked on your face, Christina, that something happened."
Ah yes, there's that Candor bluntness I've grown to despise the more I've had to interact with it over the years. Christina seems just as offended, frowning and touching her fingertips to her cheek.
"I'm fine," she says with no small amount of bite.
"If you were fine you wouldn't be so reluctant to tell us what you're actually doing." Minerva nods along with her and I groan internally. I love my sister but I can already tell that she's not just going to let this go.
"It's nothing," Christina says. "Just some physical training."
"You don't have to worry," I add because I can already see the beginnings of my father's grimace.
"And what, pray tell, does this 'physical training' entail?" Cara raises her eyebrows.
"Uh…" Will glances away with an exaggerated uncomfortable expression. "…sparring." He says the word very slowly and Cara's expression bottoms out, so do Christina's family's, and mine with the striking exception of Minerva.
"And how's that going for you, Mimette?" she asks, not phased in the slightest.
Suddenly all I can think of is all the fights I've lost; getting knocked out by Edward on the first day, Peter wearing me down in minutes, all the times over the past five weeks that I've come to sprawled out on the mat – or in worse cases, in the infirmary.
"It's going fine," I say tersely, knowing Minerva and everyone else can see right through me but lying anyways.
My mother gives me an odd look but says nothing.
"Yeah," Christina says uncomfortably. "We're all, uh, doing pretty well."
"That's good," my father says hollowly, almost dismissively.
"Have you had to fight each other?" Michael asks.
"Yeah," Will answers for all three of us. "But it's like whatever. It's just a part of being Dauntless."
"And yet you still want to be here," Stephanie says with near disbelief.
Christina, Will, and I exchange uncomfortable looks for what feels like the hundredth time today.
"We chose this place for a reason," Christina says.
"There's nowhere else we'd rather be," Will adds.
"Hey, you don't have to justify yourselves to us." Mark gives us a reassuring smile. Michael gives him an odd look but says nothing and then shares the look with Melanie, eyebrows raised like they're exchanging silent commentary with each other. When we were younger, they used to pretend like they were able to communicate telepathically.
"Really," Will insists, the silence clearly making him nervous. "It's…it's fine."
"If you say so," Cara quips.
"So," my father says, " that aside, how is the rest of Dauntless treating you?"
The people I like I really like, the ones I don't seem hellbent on making mine and my friends' lives miserable for some unknown reason. But I don't need to stress him or the rest of my family out any more than I already have. "It's fine. We sleep in dorms so that's…new."
"Two to a room?" Michael asks.
"More like eighty. It's all of the transfers in one place and all of the Dauntless born in another so…yeah."
"Ew," Cara says.
"Indeed," Melanie agrees, which Cara seems caught off-guard by.
"It's not so bad," Will says. "Mimi and I bunk together and Christina's not far away so at least we can, like, talk and stuff."
"The dorms are co-ed?" Julian pulls a face.
"Yeah, Dad, that's what 'all the transfers in one place' means," Christina says.
Julian furrows his brow. "That's…interesting. Do you share a bunk with anyone?"
"Yeah, Tris. We're like right across from Will and Mimi and then Al's one over. It makes it easier to talk and stuff."
"And stuff," Maureen repeats.
Cara raises her eyebrows, Mark gives me a look, Michael starts coughing to hide his obvious laughter, and Rose starts to make kissy noises before Christina glares her into silence.
"Not like that!" she exclaims, a furious blush in her cheeks and her shoulders close to her ears. Rose cackles in response, her laughter spreading to the rest of us. Will buries his face in his hands and I swat Melanie away when she elbows me with her lips curled into a smirk.
A frustrated and flustered noise escapes my throat reminiscent of Mark's squawk from earlier. "Maureen! Why would you say that?!"
"Because it's fun to watch you freak out," Michael replies on his wife's behalf.
Will looks up, smiling. "Isn't it?"
Michael holds out his fist and after a moment of hesitation, Will bumps it with his own. Then what he just did seems to dawn on him as Cara gives them both a strange look.
"Michael," my mother says, her chiding tone undercut by her smile, "don't antagonize your sister."
He just laughs in response.
Christina is shaking her head, still looking like she wants to melt into the floor as she mutters, "Why?"
"Relax," Mark says with a too big grin on his face, too dignified to laugh obviously. He reaches around my siblings and my parents to put his hand on my shoulder.
"You relax." Minerva pokes him in his exposed ribs. He gasps and loses his balance for just a moment before recovering himself.
The interaction garners surprised and quizzical looks from Christina's parents. Candor and Amity have pretty much never gotten along, Mark and Minerva are supposed to be the perfect examples of their respective factions but it can be hard to reconcile that with how close they've always been. Neither of them seem to be paying much attention to their stares anyways, too content to joke with each other like they're kids again.
"We should be going," my mother says after a few more minutes, getting to her feet and then taking my father's hand again as he stands too. "We've been just dying to meet Mimette's instructor and it would be such a shame if we missed him."
Christina and Will give me a look, barely containing their laughter. I shake my head as subtly as I can in response, Christina's sister picks up on the interaction anyways.
"Something wrong with your teacher, Chris?" She cocks her head to the side.
"I'll catch up with you guys later." I wave to my friends and hurry away before they can squeeze an answer out of her.
" Is something wrong with your instructor?" Michael mutters to me as we're leaving.
I bite the inside of my cheek. "Uh…you'll see."
What am I supposed to tell them; that he's a major dick and has been making our lives hell since day one? I don't think so. If I could tell them though, I would say that I know this introduction won't go well; he doesn't exactly like me and it's not like he's the most sociable person. I just don't want them to worry any more than they already do.
"We might find him in the training room," I say. "Come on, I'll show you."
I don't especially want to take my family to the smelly room where I hit some things and shoot at other things all day, I think that it will only cement the idea of Dauntless being useless meatheads further in their minds. Not that meeting Four will challenge that image in any way.
Sure enough, he's there beating away at one of the punching bags. He jumps at the sound of our footsteps and his eyes are wide.
"You need to go back to the Pit," he says as he approaches us. His posture is tense, like an invisible thread is pulling his spine taunt.
"You must be Mimette's instructor," my mother says, extending her hand to him.
He eyes it like it may bite him before outright refusing. "Visitors aren't allowed back here."
My mother retracts her hand, her brow furrowing in both confusion and disapproval.
"My family was interested in meeting the man teaching me to be Dauntless," I drawl. "I figured we'd find you back here."
He raises his thick eyebrows and regards me with cold eyes and a near sneer. Then his eyes shift back to my mother.
"I'm Four," he says, his voice strangely terse.
"Do you have a last name, Four?" Michael asks.
"Nope."
Michael is taken aback. "He does that," I mutter to him.
"Mimette said that you have them spar," my father says, stepping in front of Four when he tries to duck past him.
He huffs. "Yes. Your daughter's doing…" he glances at me out of the corner of his eye "…fine."
Honestly, that was more of a compliment than I really expected him to give me.
"Fascinating," Minerva says. "Tell me, how do you match your students?"
"Dauntless prefers to keep its initiation techniques private," he replies.
"Oh sure, but I've always been just fascinated by Dauntless fighting styles. Being brought up in Erudite I must have learned techniques a little differently." Mark pulls a face and nudges her, but she ignores him.
"Dauntless isn't so much focused on technique and showing off. Practical application is more important."
"Interesting. But…it can be a fair bit more difficult to teach practical application without putting the students in harm's way."
He shrugs. "Depends on what you define as ' in harm's way '. I wouldn't exactly call the skills of some initiates dangerous.
Mark blanches. "You have them just bare knuckle boxing day in and day out?" He lets out an incredulous laugh. "That's insane."
"Mark." Minerva puts her hand on his arm. Then she looks back to Four, a curious expression on her face. "I think we might have met before."
"I think I'd remember if we had."
"Well, in that case, I'm Minerva Malachite. Mimette's eldest sister."
"I know."
"I know you said that you like to keep initiation techniques private but I'm so curious," Melanie says as she takes a step toward him.
He steps back. "There's a shock."
She brushes the comment off. "How do you go about teaching them the social and cultural norms of your faction? In Erudite, we have mentorship groups in which the older members teach the initiates. It certainly can't be all about fighting, can it?"
Michael chuckles. "I think that question might be a little above his paygrade, Melanie."
"Nonsense. He's the Dauntless equivalent of the head of initiation, he should be qualified to answer."
"Uh," Four steps back again, "I just…teach the material. I would take up that kind of thing with Eric Coulter."
Michael scoffs. "You've never met him, have you?"
"I think he has," my mother says. "You're about the same age, right? You would have known each other during initiation."
He suddenly looks very uncomfortable. "Uh…yeah… Anyways , you should all really get back to the Pit. Families really aren't supposed to be back here, we're not giving tours."
"Well that's a shame," Minerva says. "I can only imagine the state of this room when it's in use."
I glance away and try not to laugh. I can't tell if she's glorifying training or insulting it.
"Mhm." Four's tone is becoming more strained by the second. "It was…nice meeting you all."
"And the same, Four." My father extends his hand and Four seems afraid to touch him too. Instead he turns away and walks over to the throwing knives table, straightening the blades and making it clear that the conversation is over.
"Well that was rude," my father murmurs.
My mother doesn't reply, she takes his hand and the two of them are the first to start to leave. As we're walking away, I notice the way that Minerva's eyes linger on everything, drifting back to Four every so often until the heavy double doors shut.
We're walking back toward the main floor of the Pit, having just emerged from the long hallway back into the noise when a stranger's voice makes all of us pause.
"Carolina," the stranger calls.
My mother whips around, something almost afraid passing through her expression for a quick second. My father grips her arm tightly, looking every bit as tense.
"Well I never thought that I'd see you grace the halls of Dauntless with your presence." A woman with long black dreads and brown eyes just like my mother's leans against the railing. She wears heavy, dark makeup that intensifies her demeanor and I glimpse the edge of an elaborate black tattoo on the inside of her forearm as she lets go of the railing and stands up straight. "What was it you called us, the rabble? Or was that Father?"
My mother says nothing, just glares her down.
"So what brings you?"
"I hardly think that's any of your concern." She sneers.
The woman raises her eyebrows, then her gaze shifts to my father. "And John. After all these years I continue to be surprised."
"What's that supposed to mean?" My father's tone is just as poisonous as my mother's.
"Why don't you ask your wife." The woman gives them an awful smile, and one that I unfortunately recognize as very similar to my mother's.
"Bella, why don't you-"
"Belladonna," she corrects my mother bitterly.
"Leave." All of the politeness leaves her voice and she eyes her with a stone cold look.
Belladonna chuckles. "And miss what may be my only opportunity to catch up with my dearest big sister for another thirty or so years?"
My mother raises her eyebrows. "And who's fault is that?"
She doesn't answer her question, instead she says, "You know, I saw Natalie Prior wandering around earlier. She had an initiate of her own. Andrew must have really fucked up somewhere along the line. Then again, he never did have the best judgement, did he?" She mutters something else that I don't hear but my parents do; they look annoyed, and maybe just the slightest bit offended.
For a second my mother looks like she wants to tear Belladonna apart, then she relaxes again – to an extent – and puts her hand over the one my father has on her arm. "I'm here to visit my daughter, not be antagonized by you. Leave now."
Her eyes flicker toward my siblings and I, and her smirk grows. She steps forward with her arms spread out in sort of a peaceful gesture that's offset by her expression. "Right, your children." Her gaze finally settles on me and she laughs, looking back at my mother. "Isn't this just the irony to end all ironies, Sis ? Your own daughter's part of the 'rabble' now too."
"I accept my daughter's choice so long as it makes her happy," she says stiltedly, as if she's scripted this answer.
"And John, I must say she looks just like you." She laughs again.
"No?" Minerva mutters. "No, she doesn't?"
My father gives my mother a Look and then glares back at Belladonna. "What. Do. You. Want. You've never wanted to speak to us before, why start now?"
"Oh, not you." She scoffs. "You, I really think everyone could do without. I wanted to see Carolina."
"So does that mean you can leave now?" My mother's voice is flat and her expression has completely bottomed out.
"Well, no. Don't I at least get to meet my new Dauntless niece?" She steps past my parents closer to me.
Minerva puts her hand on my shoulder as Mark and the twins shift closer as well. They don't seem to know Belladonna either, but they've seen enough to make them defensive.
"No." My mother pulls away from my father and stops Belladonna with a hand on her shoulder. "Leave my daughter alone."
I get the pleasure of seeing Belladonna's expression darken completely before she turns on my mother and grabs her wrist before she can retract her hand. A tense moment passes and Belladonna inhales like she's about to say something, but is cut off my mother's phone vibrating.
"Excuse me." She mutters and then pulls out of Belladonna's grip and steps away, pulling her phone from the hidden pocket in her dress. As she puts the phone to her ear I can see the red ring around her wrist from Belladonna's grip.
Not even five seconds later, the twins' phones ring as well.
"Sorry." Melanie gives me an apologetic look just like the one she gave me back in that restaurant all those months ago.
"I have to take this," Michael says at the same time.
Belladonna takes the opportunity to get closer, all but brushing off my father, siblings, and sister-in-law's protectiveness. She smiles again. "What's your name?"
"My name is Mimi," I say as coldly as I possibly can.
"Interesting. Good luck with initiation." She chuckles. "You're gonna need it."
"I think I've figured that that much out for myself already. Thanks for the hot tip though." I fold my arms and take half a step backward into Minerva.
She chuckles. "D'you talk to everyone like that?"
"With a few exceptions."
"Heh. You might just make it as a Dauntless yet." She turns on her heel and walks away, ignoring the glare that Michael throws her as she passes him.
"Pay her no mind, Mim," My father says, putting his hand on my shoulder. "She's just trying to get under your skin. It's a hobby of hers."
"Who the hell was that?" Minerva asks.
"Your mother's younger sister. She's…got a personality to her."
"That's one way of putting it." Minerva rolls her eyes.
"Mom has a sister?" Mark cocks his head to the side in confusion. This is the first any of us have ever heard of either of our parents having siblings. What with the way that they always taught us to keep each other close I had figured that the reason we had no aunts and uncles around was that we never had any to begin with, not that our mother had an estranged Dauntless sister with whom she obviously parted with on bad terms.
"We were never all that close." My mother returns to the conversation, looking less rattled and more disappointed. The twins return as well, looking guilty. "It's fine. She shouldn't bother you beyond today." She sighs and I know what's coming. "Mim, the twins and I…have to go. We have some business to attend to that can't be put off until later and we're so sorry-"
"It's fine," I assure her, and the twins too. "Really. I'm fine."
She hugs me tightly and for a second I think she's going to start crying. But my mother never cries; has gotten upset, sure, but I've never actually seen her cry. She kisses the top of my head and then my cheek.
"I'll…see you next year, right?"
"With Jeanine. She's already promised."
"With Jeanine," I repeat. "I love you, Mom."
She hugs me again. "I love you too, my dear girl. Always. No matter what." She seems reluctant to let go of me, but does anyways. When she steps away, my father puts his arm around her shoulders.
"See you next year, Sis." Michael hugs me. "Or sooner."
"Hopefully sooner."
"Love you."
"Love you too."
He steps away and goes to Maureen, handing her the keys to their car and saying, "I'll just go with Melanie."
Melanie wraps me in a crushing hug as well. "I'm so sorry, we all are."
"I know." I pat her back. "I understand, Mel, I do."
"You'll…understand it more when you're working too."
"I'm sure. Tell Vic and Gwen hi for me, okay. And I'll try to see them when I can leave the compound…and that I miss them…a–a lot."
"I will. They miss you too." She squeezes me tighter for a second. "And so do I. I love you so much, Mimette."
"I love you too." My throat tightens for a second but I push it away. I can't cry, not now, I won't.
She leans back but keeps her hands on my shoulders. "I…I…" I've never heard her at a loss for words before. She runs her fingers through her long, curly hair and smiles even though she looks miserable to be leaving me. "Be safe, okay? I'm…so glad that you're happy…I just-" her next breath comes out heavy like she's almost crying. "I just want you to be happy."
"And I am." I try to smile reassuringly at her but it doesn't feel – and probably doesn't look – very convincing. "I promise."
"I know you are. I love you." She kisses my forehead and then moves to go stand next to Michael.
I wave at them as the go, Michael and Melanie talking quietly and my mother solemnly after kissing my father goodbye. She looks back at me quickly and I try to smile – try being the operative word.
"Shall we walk around a bit more before we get going?" my father asks.
I shrug. "Um, sure. What do you want to see?"
"Let's just wander," Maureen suggests. "I've heard the Pit is a very nice place to just explore."
"From Amelie?" I ask sort of teasingly.
"Yes, from Amelie. We're friends, y'all don't have to act like it's some big scandal."
"It sort of is," Mark says matter-of-factly. "If you haven't noticed, Erudite in general but the upper crust in particular don't really make a habit of getting friendly with the Dauntless."
"Oh believe me, I've noticed." She laughs. "Still, if Mim's here then there has to be something to admire."
"She isn't wrong there," Minerva says and Mark gives her a funny look.
I look back at her in surprise and she smiles at me, then looks back out across the Pit with near reverence in her expression. But she doesn't say anything else on the matter, so I don't ask.
Myra and Edward are still hanging around when we reach the main floor of the Pit and I wave them over.
"This is Mimi," Myra says to the man I assume is her father.
"Ah, the one you've told me so much about?"
"The very same."
"I'm Gale." He extends his hand to me. "A pleasure."
"Nice to meet you. Um, this is my father, brother, sister, and sister-in-law. My mother and other siblings left a little while ago."
"Aw, what a shame," Myra says. She nods at Minerva. "So she's the one that taught you to do the knife thing?"
Minerva and I laugh.
I shake my head. "No. That's Melanie that taught me to do that, she and I are a little closer in age."
"I prefer to just use my fists." Minerva laughs like she's kidding, but she's Candor; they don't exactly take to sarcasm very well.
Mark forces an awkward chuckle. "What my sister means to say is that…er…" He cuts his eyes at Minerva and she shrugs.
"Kidding, of course."
I give her a deadpan look. Like I've said before, I don't actually know if Minerva kept up her little hobby because she never talks about it. After loving it so much when she was my age I guess it is kind of weird that she's never mentioned it once since she left Erudite.
"Well than I guess you and Mimi have that in common," Myra says with an almost diabolical snicker.
"Stop," I groan. I can practically see my father stressing over my wellbeing. I'll never hear the end of it once Jeanine gets word of what I've been doing, I'm sure. She's always been a little overprotective, even more so than my parents and that's really saying something.
But Minerva just grins and then tousles my hair. "I guess we do." Mark mutters something to her that makes her roll her eyes whisper back to him, "Don't get so uptight."
Edward's moms introduce themselves next. The tall woman smiles and extends her hand to first me and then my family. "I'm Laurel and this is my wife, Catalina, and our son Edward." Edward waves, unable to tear his eyes from my father.
"Mimette's mentioned you two a few times," Mark nods to Myra and Edward. "It's so nice to meet you in the flesh.
"Y-yeah." Myra flashes an awkward smile.
We exchange pleasantries with them for a few more minutes before heading off. As we're walking away, my father's arm settles around my shoulder, something grim in his expression as he steers me away from the thick of the crowd. Then he leans down to talk quietly to me.
"Okay," he takes a deep breath. "Obviously I didn't make this clear to you before, but you need to stop telling people things like Melanie has a knife collection. We have an image to protect."
"Dad, this isn't Erudite," I say. "If anything, people think it's cool."
He sighs through his nose. "The fact that the Dauntless find it appealing is not comforting, Mimette, and I don't really think that your sister would appreciate you revealing personal information like that either."
I nod even though I don't really understand. "Okay, sure." It's fine, I know it is. But my parents have always cared a lot about our family's image. It's not enough for them to just be good at their jobs but they've got to have the perfect family as well and an Erudite daughter who plays with knives for fun doesn't fit that image. Neither does a Dauntless daughter, but there isn't a lot they can do about that.
We take another lap around the Pit, catching up. It's been a while since we've been all together like this, not since the holidays. My father fills me in on the party he and my mother put together for Jeanine, a small event comprised mostly of their closest friends; they're going to start boxing up the things in my bedrooms soon too, both the one at my parents' house and the room I stayed in at Jeanine's, and he looks pained when he says that. I ask him, quietly so as not to be overheard, if he'll pass along the pictures I had of my friends and I on the wall. I don't care about the rest. Minerva and Mark don't talk much aside from vague allusions to being busy, not having much time for a personal life they already tend to neglect for the good of their faction. I can't imagine what it must be like to be in their shoes, but I guess I should. Next year, we'll go up to Amity and spend the day with Mark and our cousins. I'll get to see Casey again, I make a resolution to see her before that nevertheless.
We reach the top level and I know that it's time to say goodbye. Mark has been checking his watch for the last ten minutes; he's got somewhere to be and is just too polite to say anything.
"I love you very much." He lifts me off my feet. "I'm so glad to hear that you're doing…doing okay. Don't be a stranger, okay? Seriously." He waves to me as he's walking down the hallway that leads up to the surface, waving until he disappears into the shadows.
Maureen throws her arms around my neck. "I really like your name," she says quietly. "I like your look. You're doing well for yourself, Mim." She squeezes me tighter.
I squeeze her back. "Thank you, Mau. Will you – can you, um, just…like, tell Michael I said that I love him again. And Melanie too, and Gwen and Vic." I'm going to start crying if I keep naming people. "I really do miss you guys."
She chuckles and sighs. "Try not to. You've got it good here."
"I know." And I truly do.
She pulls away and stands back, waiting for the others. My father hugs me tight too, his hand rubbing my back. "I love you so much, Mimette. No matter what you do, no matter where you go, you will always be my daughter."
"I know, Dad. I love you too."
He sounds so upset. It would have made him so happy to see me stay. It would have made all of them happy.
"I know you'll do me proud." He pulls back and wipes a tear from his eye, then lets out a mournful chuckle. "I'm sorry. I promised myself and your mother that I wouldn't do this."
"It's okay, Dad." I hug him again.
He's smiling through his obvious sadness. "You're so much like your mother, do you know that? I think you become more like her every day."
"Thanks." Never in my wildest dreams would I think I could be comparable to my mom. I'm not even being self-deprecating, it's just realistic. "I love you. Will you give mom another hug for me?"
"Oh, of course, my dear." He's very reluctant to let go but eventually does. He blows me a kiss and waves as he's walking away, then calls back, "I love you!"
Then it's just Minerva and I and her arm settles around my shoulders. "Will you take one more walk around with me?"
I glance up at her, astonished and a little unsure. People are starting to clear out, it won't be long until we'll be headed to dinner and I really should meet up with my friends so they don't worry. I've got to know what went on with Tris. But she's my big sister, so I shrug and we start another lap around the top ring.
"It really is beautiful here," she says. "I don't think the rest of our family can truly appreciate it but I know that we can." She smiles at me like we're sharing some sort of secret.
"You really think so?"
"Wouldn't say it if I didn't. I've always had an…appreciation for Dauntless and what they do. I'm almost jealous I'm not here with you."
My eyes widen and I take in a sharp breath. My powerful, incredible sister, jealous of me? It's absurd. What could she possibly have to be jealous of when she has a fifth of the city under control; when she's young, rich, and powerful in a time when there's nothing better to be? "Come again?"
"I think you heard me." Her free hand brushes away some of her dreadlocks from her shoulder. "Tell me truthfully, do you like it here?"
I don't doubt that she'll know if I lie. "It's…been hard."
She hums. "These things always are; but this world is truly what you make of it, Mimette, and I have no doubt that you'll find a way to shape it to your liking."
"Is that what you did, in Candor?"
She chuckles. "Something like that."
"Minerva," and something in my voice drips of desperation as I finally voice the question I've been dying to ask all day, "how will I know if I've made the right choice?"
She bites her lip and for once looks almost nervous. "I think…that's something you have to decide for yourself and – and, um, and choose. I am Candor because I choose to be so every day, because I want it and…" her voice drops, "I might not want it every day but I do want it. I need it."
I can hardly process what I'm hearing. Did Minerva just insinuate she regrets her choice sometimes? That she isn't the perfect faction member the representative is supposed to be?
She leans down close to my ear. "Mimette…Mimi, there are things in play right now that are impossible for you to understand but I promise that one day it will all make sense."
"What are you talking about?"
Her arm tightens around my shoulders as she hisses, "Keep your voice down!" She takes a deep breath. "I only tell you this so that you keep yourself together, because no one bothered to explain it to me. You'll gain some perspective very soon but…" she takes another deep breath. "Take your time. Mimette, this is an experience you should relish; be young while you still can."
I wish that I could explain to her how hard it is to be anything resembling what she's wishing for me when I'm intentionally being pushed to my breaking point. I'm not allowed to take my time on anything anymore and I don't think anyone relishes what we're going through, except for maybe Peter.
Instead, I nod. "Okay. I will."
Her smile returns; we're about back where we started. "Give me a big hug."
I throw my arms around her neck and she lifts me off my feet again. "I love you," she mutters. "I love you so much and I'm so incredibly proud of you."
Tears spring to my eyes. Of all the words I expected to hear today ' proud ' wasn't on that list. No one in my family should be proud of what I did, but she is.
She kisses the side of my head and then my cheek. "I'll see you soon."
I'm shaking and tears are starting to trail down my cheeks that Minerva ignores as she gives me one last wave and then heads up the metal staircase back to the surface.
Then she's gone, and I'm alone.
I sniffle and wipe the tears from my cheeks, trying to collect myself and failing miserably. It was hard enough to leave them at the ceremony, watching them go again is almost more than I can bear. One would think I'd be used to it with Mark and Minerva, we say goodbye all the time; but this is different. This is me not being able to see them for several more weeks while going through basically hell.
I don't collapse but god do I want to. Instead, I skulk over to one of the benches along the stone wall and curl into myself, trying to keep from crying. I should go catch up with my friends, I know. But I don't want them to see me like this, I don't want anyone to see me like this.
I wonder if it was this hard for Mark and Minerva when they left. I wonder if it's still hard. Minerva doesn't always like Candor, what if I grow disillusioned with Dauntless? I'm not allowed to come back from this choice. I don't know if want to, I don't know what I want at all.
