Chapter 18: Frustration
John was walking through the forest in a set of hospital scrubs, he had no idea how he'd gotten there and he had no idea why he wasn't dressed. He looked around hoping to find someone who could answer his questions, but he saw no-one. He had a real sense of déjàvu about this scenario and he couldn't work out if it was real or if he was having a nightmare.
A ghostly sound whistled through the trees and the darkness was menacing. Up ahead he saw a light and he felt compelled to head towards it. As he got closer to the light and saw a clearing in the distance, he became anxious. Who would he find when he got there; hopefully a friendly face.
Upon entering the clearing he had a good look around and saw absolutely nothing. That was good, so he decided to sit down and enjoy the fire that was already lit. It looked like a big bonfire and he wondered why someone would light such a huge fire and then walk away and leave it.
Suddenly he heard a branch snapping behind him and he turned around to see the biggest giant he had ever seen coming towards him and as he looked into the giants face he saw that it was Goliath. He turned the other way to try and run, but he saw two more giants coming towards him and they must have been thirty feet tall. He was horrified when the largest one's face morphed into Ronon's, just before it picked him up. He felt himself being lifted in to the air towards Ronon's mouth and just before he was dropped into his mouth, he screamed…..
John awoke with a start, but he didn't scream this time. His heart was beating faster than he ever thought, he had sweat dripping off his forehead and he was shaking.
Looking around his room he realised that he was alone, which was a relief, because he really didn't want anyone to see him this way and he was really getting tired of Ronan being there every time he woke up.
Finally he managed to settle himself down, it was in that moment that he noticed that his leg was on fire and he had a piercing headache. He wondered whether he should call someone or not. He decided in the end that he would just put up with it and go back to sleep. *He knew that he had to get a grip, or Carson would make him talk to Dr Robinson, before he was allowed to leave the infirmary.*
Feeling relieved that he had finally stopped shaking he closed his eyes, and decided if he wasn't going back to sleep anytime soon he would at least lie there with his eyes closed; all night if he had to. At least he might actually get some rest despite his pain.
He was finally dozing off when someone entered his room and deposited some meds into his IV. It wasn't long before he felt the pain in his head and leg begin to lessen and he was able to fall into a deep sleep.
When he awoke again he felt much better than he had the night before. Looking around his room he realised that he was alone again, which was a good thing, because he really wanted to be alone right now, if he was alone it gave him a chance to wallow in his own self-pity for a while. He knew that if Carson knew what was going on in his head right now that he would have doc Robinson in his room before he had a chance to object.
He was so deep in thought that he didn't realise Teyla had entered his room with his breakfast. "Good morning John I hope you are in the mood for scrambled eggs."
He watched as Teyla put it on the table. "Anything has to be better than that muck they tried to feed me last night,"
As he took the cover off the eggs the smell wafted up to meet his nostrils and it smelt like heaven; anything had to be better than the fowl stench of the broth they served him last night.
He was starving by the time he took the first bite of eggs and they tasted as good as they looked and it wasn't long before he had finished to whole plate.
Leaning back in the bed he looked at Teyla who had been quiet the whole time that he was eating, "Wow I know it was only scrambled eggs, but that was amazing."
"I am glad that you enjoyed your breakfast John, but now we have to talk."
He looked at her face and was worried by what he saw in her eyes, he couldn't really describe it, but he was sure that she was worried, "what's wrong Teyla?" He asked apprehensively.
"Ronon told me that you had a nightmare last night and that you did not want to talk about it and that worries me. Whether you like it or not we both know that when you actually get around to talking about things you usually feel better."
He felt betrayed by Ronon; it really was none of his business, so why was he telling Teyla about his nightmares. He would have thought that Ronan would know not to worry Teyla with it.
Not knowing what to do he closed his eyes and turned his head away from her. No-one really understood him, or what he was going through. Although it had been four days since his leg had been surgically broken and repaired, he was still in a lot of pain and he knew that it would be a long road to recovery. He knew that he needed his friends to help him, but right now he just wanted to be left alone.
"Teyla I would like to be alone right now, so can you please leave?" He said as calmly as he could under the circumstances.
"What is wrong John? Do you need me to get Jennifer?" Teyla asked in a gentle tone.
"No Teyla I would like you to leave. I will talk to you later."
He kept his eyes closed and listened to her leave the room and it didn't really make him feel any better, but at least he was alone with his thoughts now and by pretending he was asleep the next time someone entered his room, he could hide for as long as he wanted.
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Teyla left John's room when he asked her to, but she was really worried about him and she wasn't sure who she should talk too. Rushing out of the infirmary she headed for the mess hall to see if Ronon was still there. Other than John he was her closest friend on Atlantis so she felt the need to see him.
Arriving in the mess hall a few minutes later she noticed that Carson was sitting at a table overlooking the ocean. Looking around she saw that Rodney or Ronan weren't there, so she walked across the room and sat down with Carson.
She sat and gazed out at the ocean for a few moments, before she heard Carson speaking to her, "How are you this morning lassie? You look a wee bit preoccupied."
"Sorry Carson. I'm just really worried about John; he just threw me out of the infirmary.
"What happened?" He asked her.
Teyla noticed that he was rubbing his temples, he must be really tired, she thought.
She knew that Carson was probably still feeling some tiredness from when he had the red spot, she wondered how much sleep he'd had since he'd been released from the infirmary.
Taking a deep breath she proceeded to tell him what had happened. "I went to see John this morning and he seemed in good spirits while he was eating his breakfast. I guess his mood began to change when I told him that Ronon had told me about the nightmare he had last night. At that point he closed his eyes and shut me out. I thought that he may have been in pain, so I asked him if he wanted me to get Jennifer, but he said no and asked me to leave."
"Don't worry Lassie I will have a talk to him later. I think he is beginning to feel frustrated about being stuck in the infirmary not being able to do anything and unfortunately for Colonel Sheppard when he has been captured he tends to have nightmares as well. The problem is he doesn't like to talk about anything; he shuts it inside of him and deals with it in his own way, in his own time. If he doesn't talk to me or his team he will have to speak to Dr Robinson before I release him from the infirmary."
"Thank you Carson." She told him, as she returned her gaze towards the window.
She felt Carson patting his hand on hers as he got up to leave, "I have some things to do before I start my shift, so I will see you later."
Teyla nodded and watched him leave. Once he had left she stared out of the window for a while longer and then she stood up and headed out to start her day.
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John was walking through the forest in a set of hospital scrubs, he had no idea how he'd gotten there and he had no idea why he wasn't dressed. He looked around hoping to find someone who could answer his questions, but he saw no-one. He had a real sense of déjàvu about this scenario and he couldn't work out if it was real or if he was having a nightmare. He had a sneaking suspicion that he'd been in this situation more than once recently.
When he heard the ghostly sound whistling through the trees and walked through the menacing darkness, he knew that he had been here before. The only problem was that he had no idea when, but he still felt compelled to continue. Up ahead he saw a light and he headed towards it. As he got closer to the light and saw a clearing in the distance, he became anxious. Who would he find when he got there; hopefully a friendly face.
Upon entering the clearing he had a good look around and saw absolutely nothing. That was good, so he decided to sit down and enjoy the fire that was already lit. It looked like a big bonfire and he wondered why someone would light such a huge fire and then walk away and leave it.
Suddenly he heard a branch snapping behind him and he turned around to see the biggest giant he had ever seen coming towards him and as he looked into the giants face he saw that it was Goliath. He turned the other way to try and run, but he saw two more giants coming towards him and they must have been thirty feet tall. He was horrified when the largest one's face morphed into Ronon's, just before it picked him up. He felt himself being lifted in to the air towards Ronon's mouth and just before he was dropped into his mouth, he screamed…..
He woke with a start and was surprised to find Ronon standing over him, with concern written all over his face.
"Are you okay buddy? Did you have another nightmare?"
It took a while for him to get his bearings, but when he did he found that he was angry with Ronon, so he spoke to him with cold anger, "why should I tell you? You'd probably run off and tell someone, so I'm going to say that it is none of your dam business!" He was yelling at Ronon by the time he had finished.
"What the hell is wrong with you Sheppard!? Ronon shot back.
"I just want to be left alone and for everyone to keep their noses out of my business!" He was really angry by this time, so he picked up the jug of water on his bedside table and threw it across the room. It felt so good watching the glass shatter against the wall, in fact he really wanted to find something to throw at Ronon, but he couldn't see anything at the moment.
He turned to Ronon and gave him a death stare, "now get out before I throw something at you!"
He revelled in to look on Ronon's face as he left the room. He knew that he would have to apologise to everyone eventually. He also knew that he would have to talk about his feelings at some point, but for now he was happy to be alone.
Now that he had finished his meltdown, he noticed that the pain in his leg was at an all-time high, but he didn't feel like calling anyone for his pain meds, because physical pain he could handle, it was the emotional pain that he couldn't deal with.
He closed his eyes wanting to go back to sleep again, but he was interrupted a few minutes later by someone entering the mood. "Why the hell, don't you leave me alone!?" He shouted in the direction of the door, not bothering to open his eyes.
He knew who it was the minute a Scottish voice spoke, "I heard you and Ronan shouting from my office. What is going on son?"
He looked at Carson and spoke in a cold controlled voice, "what is going on is that I want to be left alone, to deal with this in my own way, so unless you have any pain meds to give me you can get out!"
"I will give you your pain meds and then I will leave you alone, but you will have to talk eventually and if you don't talk to your team I will make you talk to Dr Robinson before you leave the infirmary."
He watched as Carson injected his pain meds into his IV, then he waited until he was sure that Carson had left the room and then finally he let the tears that were brimming in his eye fall.
TBC…
*Dr Eva Robinson is the Psychologist in the Stargate Legacy series of books.
