Chapter 18: There's Just Bad News and Irrelevant News
"Hey Kyle!"
A familiar voice appeared at Kyle's locker and he turned to see who it was.
"Heidi! What's up?"
"I was just wondering if you wanted to talk more about... college admissions." Heidi's face flushed as she spoke the last two words.
Kyle was perplexed. "Sure, but what about it?"
Heidi hesitated. "I'm probably going to finish my application to Stanford tonight and submit it this weekend. I was wondering if you wanted to look over it before I send it in and offer some constructive criticism."
"Yeah, sure!"
Heidi perked up. "Sweet! If you want, I can read over yours as well and help you proofread."
Kyle nodded. "That would be great!"
Heidi smiled. "Okay, awesome!"
She lingered around his locker for a small moment while Kyle was grabbing his English binder. Taking a small breath, she spoke again.
"Do you want to walk to Garrison's class together?"
"Yeah, definitely."
Heidi smiled to herself and the two of them began strolling side by side down the hall. Neither of them talked for a bit so, with a smirk, Kyle broke the awkward silence.
"Okay, what's up, Heidi?"
Her cheeks became a darker shade of pink. "What? What do you mean?"
"Well, obviously there's something on your mind."
"Yeah… I was... thinking about how ironic it is that Mr. Garrison is more qualified to teach us now as high school students than he ever was when we were in elementary school."
Kyle laughed. "If you ask me, he is not qualified to teach either."
"Oh, come on, Kyle," Heidi protested. "He's much better now than he was back then. At the very least, you can agree that his inappropriate comments and acts are much more in place now that we're on the cusp of adulthood."
"Even if we're mature enough to hear those comments, it doesn't mean that they're socially acceptable," Kyle argued.
"Well, at least he's not sticking a gerbil up someone's ass now, is he?"
"As far as we know. He may not be doing vile shit like that in front of us, but, keep in mind, that's probably around the lowest someone like him could sink to. There's nowhere but up from there."
"He's a little better now…" Heidi pleaded, her attempts at persuading Kyle clearly failing.
"That still doesn't change the fact that, even on his best days, he's like a real life David Brent," said Kyle, opening the door to the classroom, interrupting Mr. Garrison in the middle of talking.
"... And if you have lost both legs and both arms, just go 'at least I'm not dead.' I'd rather be dead in that situation, to be honest. I'm not saying people like that should be... you know, put down. I'm saying that, in my life, I'd rather not live without arms and legs because... I'm just getting into yoga, for one thing... Oh hey, Heidi and Kyle! I was just giving some motivational advice before class. Take a seat!"
Kyle gave a knowing look to Heidi. "See what I mean?"
Heidi was unphased. "Yeah, I guess I'm just too desensitized at this point to realize that. Damn, you're right, Kyle."
The two of them took their seats on opposite sides of the classroom as Mr. Garrison continued his ramblings.
"So, anyways, you just have to look on the positive side of life. There's a ton of positivity in school spirit! For example, our football team has got a real good chance at winning the state title this year!"
A small round of applause followed by the students.
"Yeah!" shouted Nichole. "And the Girls Cheer team could win states too!"
Another bout of clapping ensued.
Mr. Garrison was enthused. "That's it, Nichole! That's the right kind of positive energy!"
"And Girls Tennis is looking to have a good season this spring!" exclaimed Bebe.
"Bebe," said Cartman, "no one gives a shit about Girls Tennis."
"HEY!"
"No, he's right, Bebe," added Mr. Garrison. "No one gives a shit about Girls Tennis."
Bebe crossed her arms in frustration as Mr. Garrison continued on with his lecture as usual. Feeling bad for her, Kyle leaned over to her.
"Bebe, I care about Girls Tennis."
"Oh really?" asked Bebe, smirking. "Then how come I never saw you at a single match last year?"
Kyle shrugged. "You got me there."
Bebe giggled. "Typical. Would you want to come to a match this year?"
"Yeah, sure. Second semester will probably be lighter so I'll need to find a way to pass the time somehow," Kyle joked.
Bebe feigned anger. "Okay, smartass. By the way, I've been meaning to ask you, are we still going to have Saxophone Choir this winter?"
Kyle sarcastically sighed. "I don't know. If I'm conducting, who could I possibly trust to play first part with Stan?"
Bebe pretended to glare at him. "I don't know, maybe someone in band who's better than you at saxophone?"
Kyle laughed. "I don't know if that someone exists…"
Bebe rolled her eyes. "I'm about to beat you in chairing again…"
"For the first time in high school?"
Bebe looked at him with fake contempt. "You just watch yourself, buddy. If I were you, I-"
"Bebe! Kyle!"
Mr. Garrison had interrupted them. "If you two could leave your little lovers quarrels outside the door, maybe we could all learn something!"
"Sorry, Mr. Garrison," the two of them said in unison.
"Ooo, the Jew and the bitch sitting in a tree!" teased Cartman.
"Shut up, fatass!" exclaimed Kyle.
From across the room, having watched the whole situation unfold, both Heidi and Clyde frowned.
"Okay, where were we?" asked Mr. Garrison rhetorically. "Oh, yes! So, how are you all liking Pride and Prejudice so far? Yeah, Butters?"
"I think it's really tragic. Reading it makes me sad."
Cartman burst out laughing. "Are you fucking serious? Butters is crying at a Romance novel?"
He broke into a fit of hysterics, wheezing between each intense roar of laughter.
"Cartman, stop laughing at Butters!" ordered Mr. Garrison.
"I'm sorry… this is just too priceless!" cried Cartman, now on the floor.
"I can't deal with this right now!" shouted Mr. Garrison. "Just keep to yourselves class, I'm going to the staff lounge to pop some Xans."
Mr. Garrison left the room while Cartman continued howling on the floor.
"Way to go fatass!" chastised Stan. "You just enabled Garrison's prescription drug addiction!"
"I can't help it… Butters crying at Pride and Prejudice… what a little bitch!"
"Now, Eric," said Butters anxiously, trying to save face, "I never said I cried when I read it… I mean, I'm a very emotionally stoic guy..."
"Okay, whatever you say, Butters!" cried Cartman sarcastically, laughing so hard tears were forming in his eyes.
"Lay off of him, Cartman!" shouted Annie.
Cartman paid no attention to her and just kept on laughing. When he had finally finished, he stood up and walked to the door.
"Jeez, I need a drink of water after that one!" he snickered and left the classroom.
A tension filled the air. The classroom was uncomfortably quiet for a few moments. Craig was the first one to break the silence.
"Fuck this class, I'm out."
He flashed the bird to everyone in the room and started packing up his stuff. Just as he was about to walk out the door, Mr. Garrison calmly stepped back into the room.
"Craig, where are you going?"
"Home."
"Get back to your seat, Craig."
"No."
"Craig! Now!"
Craig returned to his seat and sprawled his books all over his desk.
"This class sucks."
Mr. Garrison pretended not to hear him.
"Now, where were we? Oh right, so what do other people think about the book so far?"
Noticing that Cartman had just returned to the room, Mr. Garrison put him on the spot.
"Eric! What do you think about Pride and Prejudice so far?"
"I don't know, I haven't read it."
"We literally read the first chapter in class yesterday, fatass!" exclaimed Kyle.
"Ay, I'm not fat, you Jewish half-ginger!" Cartman retaliated.
"Every fucking day," Clyde muttered to himself, gathering all of his books.
"Clyde! Where in the hell might you be going?" asked Mr. Garrison.
Clyde rubbed his temples. "I don't know how much longer I can stay in a class that devolves into a Kyle versus Cartman verbal sparring session each day."
Cartman grinned at Clyde maliciously. "Oh, so now you're getting a little upset? Well then, go to your bitch! I'm sure she wants to coddle you in her open arms."
Bebe and Clyde both blushed at his comment and the entire room fell into a shocked silence for a moment.
"Dude!" shouted Stan. "Stop saying shit like that!"
"Okay, maybe we should all just settle down," suggested Mr. Garrison, clearly being ignored by all of those involved.
"Excuse me, hippy!" shouted Cartman. "I can say whatever the hell I want, it's a free country!"
"Wow fatass, you actually said something with a small grain of truth," droned Craig. "I'm impressed."
"Craig, do you really have to escalate every bad situation?" asked Red, with a subtext of anger.
Craig casually flipped her off. "Sorry, I'm the most real one here."
Tempers were flaring across the class quickly and Mr. Garrison tried his best to quench the flames, to no avail.
"Now, class… please-"
"Stop saying that to him; you're being so mean!" shouted Stan to Cartman.
"I call it like I see it." said Craig to Red.
"Don't you dare talk about Bebe like that!" shouted Wendy to Cartman.
"I just don't want to hear you two at each other all the time!" pleaded Clyde to Kyle. "Is it too much to ask?"
"Okay, fellas, we should all settle down," pleaded Butters.
"Piss off and leave me with my first amendment rights, you hippies!" yelled Cartman to Wendy and Stan.
"Back off, you disrespectful, crooked-tooth, asshole!" hollered Red in response to Craig.
"Kevin, do you have to use all the damn scrap paper to make hundreds of origami swans?" cried Token.
The room devolved into chaos as all the students simultaneously began arguing. Mr. Garrison, having lost control of the situation just sat back and watched it unfold, amused by the interclassroom drama, which he absorbed like a sponge.
The ringing of the school bell pierced the classroom and the students all seized their arguments, feeling only a little relieved despite all the weight that was lifted off of their chests.
"I'll see you all tomorrow, class! Hopefully, we can actually get some work done next time…" Mr. Garrison trailed off, shaking his head at the absurdity of it all.
"Jeez," said Kyle to Bebe as they were packing up, "I've never seen that much pandemonium in one class period."
Bebe sighed. "That was completely absurd. I hope something like that never happens again."
Kyle smiled. "Don't worry, I'll try to stop my instigation next time…"
"Really?" asked Bebe sarcastically. Both of them laughed.
As the two of them walked away, Clyde and Heidi watched them from afar with melancholy. Clyde felt Bebe slipping away from him for good and Heidi was nearly certain that her feelings for Kyle were unrequited.
