~ Fight song ~
Pov Chloe
Few times in my life I've experienced what it means to be really angry, disappointed. And this is one of them. Usually I try to see always the good of a situation, of a person, never the glass half empty, but always half full. But in exceptional cases, I just can't understand how someone can behave in a certain way, without thinking about what might result. Why did she do it? With what right? I never liked when a person gets involved in others' businesses, makes decisions for them without being required to do so. I don't know what to think, she's my best friend, my sister, how could she keep something like this from me? Why the fuck does everyone have the habit of keeping me in the dark? First Beca, now Aubrey, what the hell is wrong with them? I have lived the last two years in total ignorance of what really happened, with totally wrong beliefs, as if I had placed a different link in the chain from what it was supposed to be, unaware that there was another one to add, the right one.
And I'm so furious that I'm just now realizing it, because that one wrong link that's breaking, will only break the chain, questioning everything that has been in these years. It's as if they've put me in a bell and unaware I was there, I've continued my life with all the pain, resentment and anger of a cheating that now, I no longer know if to call it so. I don't know if with that letter I would have changed my mind, I don't know what impact it would have had on me, but I would have preferred to find out for myself and at the right time, not now. God, she also had the nerve to tell me that she didn't know anything about it when I asked her. How can one lie so easily? I knew something was wrong, but I didn't imagine anything like that. She didn't have to do it. To what purpose? That fucking letter could have been the scale needle, but she took it off regardless. She stole this opportunity from me, and by now, things could have been different. How can I continue to trust her? If over the years I've been convinced that I couldn't expect anything else good from Beca and that I would have been much better off without her, now I suppose the situation is totally different.
I've tried what it's like to be betrayed, or rather, to feel betrayed. By someone you loved. And in a way, in the end, you can even come to terms with it. When you get together with someone, you think that in a hypothetical future, perhaps far away, or preferably never, that someone might find better, or get tired of you, and go into the arms of another person. These are risks that are taken into account. Maybe these are the first that the brain automatically makes them jump out, pointing out all the possible insecurities that you have. And hopefully that will never happen. Or if it does, you hope that it doesn't hurt as much as you imagine. But when it comes to friendship, in that case you never think that a friend can betray you, it can be false towards you. Simply because friendship is the most sincere relationship that can exist. Or so it should be, and you have this delusional assumption that nothing bad can happen. I don't know why, but when I think of a friend, I think of a glass, me on one side and him on the other. You can look at everything, you realize what's in front of you. You know what you can expect, what you can't expect, it's all in front of your eyes. Nothing is hidden. I think that's how a friendship should be. Transparency. Seeing through. Knowing each other in everything, and accept each other for as we are.
However sometimes, the glass is not as clean as you think, or the person in front of you is good at hiding some things behind the shoulder, as children do with candies when they don't want to get caught by mom. And it is then, when you realize that actually it is not everything what is shown, that there has always been a small detail that has escaped you, only at that moment, you realize that probably the person who has been in front of you all that time, is not the same one you thought you were looking at. And everything becomes clearer. And it hurts. Because you don't know if you were blind enough not to see or if it was the other one who could pretend so well. Anger grows, along with disappointment and confusion about how it could happen that the person you thought so close to you could behave in this way. It means that you didn't understand shit and trusted the wrong person. And that glass that separates you now becomes a wall, so that you don't see anything anymore and that there is as much distance as possible.
I left Beca's house a few minutes ago, and I still have the taste of her lips on mine. I don't know what got into me, I didn't have to answer the kiss, I can't. Damn it. Did I cheat on Chicago? God, we have to get married! I'm a mess. It was a kiss, a fucking kiss, I can't screw up my relationship for this. I feel so guilty. Shit. How can I hide something like that from him now? Did I want to kiss her?...ahh For God's sake, it's so hard. I just wish I'd disappeared and hadn't visited her 20 minutes ago at the house. What a stupid idea. How did you come up with that, Chloe? None of this would have happened. But I would never knew about Aubrey. And for now, that's where my mind and blood are boiling. I'll think about the rest, later.
Hello?
Aubrey? Are you at home?
I'd like to spit in her eye if she was in front of me right now. I only called her to find out where she was, and not to make an wasted trip to her house in case she wasn't there.
Yes Chlo, are you all right? You sound strange.
Strange. I'd say it's the last adjective I'd describe myself with, at the moment.
Yes yes, can I come over? I need to talk to you.
Of course Chlo, I'll be waiting for you. Do you want some tea? I was making it for myself, but if you want, I'll make some more.
God, her thoughtfulness makes me nauseous at the moment. And it increases my anger even further. How can she be so kind and have done such a thing? I just want to yell at her now, but I have to wait. All in its time.
No Bree, I'm good, thank you. See you in a bit.
Okay, see you.
I hang up and push the accelerator so I can get to her house first. You shouldn't drive in anxiogenic or nervous conditions but I certainly couldn't leave my car in Beca's driveway. Only repeating her name in my mind I feel my stomach turn around. And I'm afraid it's something else I don't have to think about right now, the situation is already quite confusing and complicated.
After about ten minutes I finally reach the tree-lined avenue of the neighborhood where Aubrey's house is located and I slip into the first free hole to park. I already feel my hands shaking and the knot in my throat forming with tears threatening to fall, all due to the nervousness that is invading every fiber of my body. Nothing is for sadness. But I can't be overwhelmed. Not now at least. I want the truth.
I'm going to the door and it comes to open an Aubrey more than smiling and I can not help but think that maybe even right now she is pretending. Is that her? Is she the real one?
Hey Chloe! Come on in. What happened?
Hey... Nothing... I just wanted to spend some time with you. It's been some time since we last seen each other.
I know I should get right to the point, but I want to see how far she goes if I have to pretend too. We both sit on the sofa in the living room, everything is perfectly in order. On one thing I can be sure, whether she's fake or not, she's a maniac of order.
I notice how she looks at me with her forehead roughed up, perhaps not convinced of my answer. That's the problem. I don't know how to pretend. My face speaks. How boring.
I've known you for a long time, I know there's something about you. Come on.
That's it... These days have been pretty turbulent, the least. With the whole hospital thing, Beca's, the wedding preparations... It was a mess.
Yeah, I guess. How's the wedding going? It will be exciting to choose everything down to the last detail.
Only a person like Aubrey would be thrilled to be planning a wedding, with all the difficulties and problems involved. I don't know how it didn't occur to me to ask her to be our wedding planner. Although it's not her job, she would surely have done a great job for the control freak she has. However, I realize how obvious it is that she clearly avoided Beca's issue. Why does she do that?
Yeah... Chicago is very attentive to everything. Anyway... Why didn't you come to the hospital? I expected that at least once you would come to visit Beca. She's still part of the Bellas family.
I tell her by looking at her with an almost surreal calm, which I didn't think I could keep in such a situation. I notice how the subject is uncomfortable for her because she looks away immediately and positions herself better on the couch taking a sip of her tea probably to find an excuse to tell me. God, I was such an idiot not to notice it before.
I haven't had much time Chlo... Plus, we're not in the best terms and it has been shown at the party at your house, so... I preferred not to come.
I thought worse. I think it's half the truth anyway.
Why are you so angry at her? I mean, she's never done anything to you.
No Chloe, here the question to ask is why you're not mad at her after all she's done to you? You went to her bedside as if nothing happened.
I must admit, I was a little taken aback by her sudden response. However, I will not interrupt her, I know that there is more to it than that.
I don't know how you do it. She did something very serious, she gave you so much pain and I can't forgive her. I could never have sympathy for her if she made you suffer like that.
I've had enough of all this bullshit, it's just a way to enchant me.
And that's the same reason you hid her letter from me?
I have a mocking smile on my face and I can see how she choked on tea. Her eyes almost come out of her eye sockets and she turns slowly towards me, almost terrified. Got her.
What are you saying?
Me? Nothing. I'm simply saying that YOU, the person I trusted most in the world, kept something so important from me that it could have changed things 2 years ago! And YOU, you lied to me when a few weeks ago I asked you where the fuck this damn letter was and you told me you didn't know anything about it. Who the fuck are you? How dare you?
I can't hold myself back anymore and as I speak, I raise my voice more and more. She must fucking hear me. I could scream until I burst my vocal cords for how resentful and angry I am.
Chloe I did it for you, becau-
Excuse me? For me? For me? Do you hear yourself when you speak? You're crazy. It's absurd. You, damn it, stole from me the chance to know what was written on that fucking letter and you reset any opportunity that those words could have made a difference. I lived these years in the belief that Beca had cheated on me, I've known sorrow, exactly as you said, and I could not have done so if that letter had been delivered to me. If YOU had given it to me. It might not have changed anything at all, but it was up to me to decide, for God's sake. Not to you.
I stare into her and if I had any superpowers like the X-men I would have incinerated all her hair by now. Surely my eyes will be injected with blood because I feel them burning in a fury to hold back the tears, due only to the nervousness of the situation. My throat hurts, as if I had swallowed a handful of nails. I don't like to scream, I don't like to argue, and even less I don't like the effects that these kinds of events leave on my body. It's exhausting. I'm not used to it, but it seems as if lately the word serenity in my vocabulary has been erased.
Aubrey seems to have lost her word. Maybe she swallowed her own tongue or probably didn't expect the tender and sweet Chloe to make such a scene. Wrong. She had to take it into account when she arbitrarily decided to make decisions for me in my fucking life.
Cat got your tongue?
Maybe I'll be too bitter, but I don't care. I didn't expect this from her. And it hurts.
Chloe I.. I don't know what to say-
No look, don't waste your time thinking of some excuse to give me now. I want the truth. Why? Why Aubrey?
I see her looking down and gluing her eyes on her hands resting on knees. If only things had gone as they should, none of this would have happened. She takes a superficial, almost flickering breath, probably because of the anxiety that is surely gripping her stomach. I just hope she doesn't vomit, I need to know. Then she can do it.
Beca gave me the letter to Rodney Park, if I'm not wrong, two days after you broke up. I was so angry about everything that happened...I couldn't figure out how she could do that to you. And I couldn't even accept that you were so upset. You were in pieces. And I didn't know where to start picking them up with you to help you.
She throws a quick glance at me and then concentrates on the cup of tea on the table, perhaps considering it more interesting than looking me in the eye and explaining everything to me as adults. It's strange to see Aubrey in a state of 'submission', so to say, but I guess there's always the first time for everything.
She called me that afternoon, and I agreed to meet her perhaps only because I was moved by her desperate pleas. I wanted to slap her in the face but I held myself back. Seeing her in person, she had already reduced herself badly enough. It was a matter of a few minutes... She gave me the letter and said it was for you but I didn't give her time to add anything else that I had already left. I didn't tolerate her.
Do you still have it?
I can't hold myself back, I need to know if this letter still exists, if she kept it from me or if she threw it away. I wish I could finally read it.
Here it is... As soon as I left her, I.. I threw it... in a trashcan, near the park.
I don't know what's prevailing in me, whether more anger or the feeling of having lost something of mine. Like when a piece of your heart is ripped out. That letter was from Beca, and she was definitely a piece of my heart, if not my heart. It was something that belonged to me and she threw it away without posing the least problem.
You know what I think? That you didn't have the slightest respect for me. That for your control frenzy you put yourself in my place and made decisions deliberately, without even contacting the person directly concerned, which for the record, was me.
No Chloe I-
I'm telling you again, why?
My voice comes out damn serious, almost unrecognizable to my own ears. Finally she doesn't look down anymore but stops her eyes on mine, with a mixed expression between disbelief and sorrow. Now she's sorry? She had to think about it first.
You really don't get it? I didn't give it to you because I cared about you, I care about you, Chloe, and that letter would have done nothing but make you feel worse and I couldn't allow it. I had to take care of you and I thought that letter was the last thing you needed.
Do you know what your problem is, Aubrey? It's that you always assume. But you don't understand that every fucking time, you're wrong. You're not all-powerful, you don't know for sure how things can go, and you don't have to take the luxury of deciding for others, let alone for me.
I tell her by pointing my finger at her and noticing how her eyes have gradually become watery. This happens when the truth is told to people's faces. It hurts. But it hurts even more if it is hidden for 2 years or more, knowing that it would never have come out of the closet if it hadn't been for the circumstances.
Get it right into your head. And a last thing. Who you think is a good-for-nothing is undoubtedly much better than you. You and your fucking prejudices won't go far in life if you keep it up. Grow up a bit.
I get up from the couch so that I can head towards the door, stopping just a few steps before I leave.
Thank you for revealing yourself completely, even if I would have preferred it to happen sooner. I would have avoided bonding so much to you. It's a shame.
Pov Beca
Friday morning
Here we are on radio The beat for a new date, today with someone very special. But first, the hits of the moment. Go Bob!
I can't deny that a little anxiety is eating my stomach. Especially because in a while I'll be entering the studio and we'll be live, and I just hope I don't start stammering because otherwise I wouldn't know where to hide. Maybe under the table, let's say that being short in this case helps. Damn it. We're all here, the guys from the band have also come, if I have not misunderstood they will join the interview later. They all greeted me in a rather warm way, especially Alex. Let's say that her hug has not gone unnoticed, and as usual she hasn't spoken much. Not that words were needed, her demonstration was more than enough. And since before, she doesn't leave my side, she keeps that certain distance that is neither too much nor too little. It's reassuring in a way, I don't know why she does that to me. It seems like the same feeling you get when you're close to one of those people who inspires confidence just by looking at them. And I'm not one to trust easily. But with her it's different, it's like those situations in which you feel free to tell a perfect stranger everything you're going through, without being afraid of feeling judged. And it's a good feeling. I never thought I'd say it, or consider a person capable of it, after well... After Chloe, but with Alex it get very close. Is that good? I don't know. It's almost shocking.
Chloe. Since she came to my house on Sunday afternoon, we haven't been in touch, and I haven't looked for her. Needless to say, the kiss continues to reappear in my mind like a broken record. I know I was wrong. I shouldn't have acted impulsively, but she was there, beautiful, and I was so angry that she hadn't told me anything about us, but at the same time the realization of loving her still, invaded every cell of the body, as if I had awakened from a deep sleep, and I couldn't resist. I had to kiss her. And now I'm fucked. Because if a few months ago I didn't remember exactly what her smell was, her lips, her warmth, now I can't help but think about it. And it hurts triple, because it is as if I had opened one of those boxes that are kept in the garret, dusty, that you know there is but do not pay attention. And when you recover it, the wave of all the memories, feelings and emotions you felt, all come back to the surface, and become the main topic on which your mind has decided to bother you for the rest of your days. Damn it.
I know it won't happen again, or at least I'm almost 100% sure. Almost. Yes, because she kissed me back. And if she did, it means she wanted to. It wasn't the automatic response that comes naturally when someone kisses you. No. She was involved, mind and body. A person who doesn't want to kiss doesn't wrap you in his arms, and doesn't deepen the kiss until he takes the breath away from each other. He just escapes. Well, she doesn't. And I can't even describe how much this is driving me crazy. But on the other hand, two minutes later, with the her taste still on my lips, and the warm bodies, she wanted to specify that it should never happen again. And that it was a mistake. It was like a cold shower. A moment before in heaven, a moment after in hell. Sounds like a cliché but more accurate phrase of this I do not think there is. What should I have expected? That she would leave with a smile on her face and tell me she would come back to stay? It will never happen. And now, even less, because I imagine how guilty she feels about her future husband for what she did. She will spend her whole life trying to make it up to him, if she tells him. I'm just a dreamer who still believes that the love of her life can even try to believe in what we could be, in our feeling. But I don't even know why I still hope for us. Put your mind at ease Beca.
Okay, guys, on air in two minutes. Beca, come here so we can check your headphones and that you can hear us.
I'm distracted from my thoughts by Steve, the radio host. We met up as soon as we got to the studio and he immediately seemed like a nice guy, with an impressive speech. It will be professional deformation, you can not be a speaker if you do not have the ability to spit an infinity of words in a series of 1 minute. I approach the table where there are several microphones and two PCs and I position myself to Steve's right, sitting on a stool that, I don't know how it's possible, has the exact height for my legs, avoiding the sad scene of me literally climbing to get on it.
Do you hear me? Everything okay?
Yes good!
I mimic an ok with my hand towards the glass that divides the cabin with the rest of the studio where the radio engineer is present, for further confirmation in case he hadn't heard me. Behind Bob I can catch a glimpse of Blake who is almost more enthusiastic than me, and since we arrived she's been smiling, laughing and having conversations with everyone who happens to be in her way. At this precise moment she is facing me with both thumbs up and an almost creepy smile on her face, which should be intended to reassure and calm me down. Let's say it's not exactly working. I throw a faint smile at her and then I turn around and focus again on Steve and the countdown that he started before it starts again with the airing.
4 - 3 - 2 - 1- eeh.. Welcome back friends, thanks for being with us today, here is always your Steve talking to you and before starting I want to send a greeting to all of you who write us and post tweets daily on our page. You are the best! Also Bob greets you, as always he's too shy to come here and greet you by himself. Don't worry Bob, one day we'll force you to come out of the closet.
Really, I don't know how he does it. He hasn't taken a breath since he started talking. How many lungs does he have? 4?
But without further ado, there is a really incredible guest today. We are proud to say that we were the first to host her. She's already well known, LA does nothing but talk about her and I'm sure that soon everyone will know her name. Winner of her first platinum album with Bulletproof Vs Release me, ladies and gentlemen, The Big BM, Beeeecaaa Mitchell!
I realize that in the background in the headphones are sending my song and I can not help but smile, it seems so surreal to be here.
Hi everybody! It's a pleasure to be here, thanks for inviting me!
The pleasure is all ours! How are you? We know that these last few weeks have been a bit "busy"!
I notice how Steve made the mark of the quotes to 'busy' and a slight laugh escapes from my mouth thinking that it is not exactly the adjective with which I would describe the last period. But details.
Well, I'd say it's a euphemism, but now I have a great scar to boast about. I'm more badass now! You know.
Oh sure, you're pretty intimidating now! Do not make any mistakes with Beca Mitchell guys, it's a warning!
Everyone in the studio laughs at Steve's joke and I finally start to feel the anxiety go away a bit. At least I don't risk vomiting live.
Back to us, Beca. How was it to get the news that you won your first platinum record?
Well, it actually caught me pretty off guard. We were in the rehearsal room and that Barbie over there, Blake, my manager, told me I won platinum and I was like, "What?!". I didn't expect this, it was a pleasant surprise! I owe it to everyone who followed me from the beginning, from the moment I got here in LA and I was just a simple DJ going around the clubs!
As far as I know, you're still hanging around disco, aren't you? One night I tried to get into Factory 93 when you were there, but it was so full I couldn't get in. You have a pretty big number of fans! Everyone wants to listen to you!
Oh really? Next time tell me! We will manage a way to get you in!
Oh thank you! It's great! However, we're getting a lot of live messages of your fans' on Twitter page that greet you and write about how inspiring you are to them. How does it feel to be a role model? Have you ever thought about it?
Really? But if with much struggles I can decide between coca cola or pepsi, how can I be a role model?
That's a great good question! No, I never really thought I'd be a model to be inspired by. I mean, look at me. Who in their right mind would take me as a point of reference? You must be crazy.
I try to be as serious as possible but Steve can't stop laughing and apparently the others, on the other side of the cabin.
You're hilarious, really!
Yeah I know, many people tell me!
I pretend to move my hair with one hand with nonchalance keeping the expression as deadpanned as possible, but I laugh slightly because the atmosphere is really comical.
By the way. Now that you make me think about it, it's a huge responsibility, I don't know if I'll ever be able to convince myself that I'm a role model for someone. I mean, I really really appreciate it but I have nothing more than others. Compared to them. I'm like them. I'm just a very weird and very awkward girl, you know, that makes things... With music. Not a big deal.
I shrug my shoulders with a sincere smile on my lips because I don't really feel superior to anyone. In fact, maybe less than anyone who shows me such unconditional affection, because I can't reciprocate the way I want. And I often feel guilty about it.
Yes, but probably it's this attitude of yours that makes you a model to follow! Not everyone thinks as you do, you know, the fame, the glory of the moment, sometimes it can even blind! But you're not one of those people.
No, I guess not.
Okay, so. Let's talk about some news. We know that you are recording a new album and that the first song has already been recorded. Can you give us some previews? What should we expect from your debut as a singer and artist?
I knew this question would come up. The problem is, I don't know how much I can talk and how much I can't. I look at Blake for few seconds and she throws me a wink and I don't know exactly how to interpret its meaning. Can I go further? What can I say?
Uhm well, yes we are actually recording and a song is already nice and tucked. I don't know what I can tell you but I can say that we're working hard. It's my first album and I think I'll be able to show myself a little more and get to know myself better, at least through music, since I'm not very good with words and speeches.
So it will be a little bit personal, won't it?
Uh... Yes. They will be songs in which I hope everyone can find themselves a bit, because everyone spends particular moments in life, and my ones as well as those of others, I doubt are so different. I hope that in this way I will be able to feel closer to anyone who listens to my songs and above all, to meet expectations.
I giggle in a nervous way because although I'm pretty sure we're going to do a great job, there's always a chance that I'll be a disaster.
Okay well. From the production they tell me that today as a preview of your record, you will do us the honor of singing the first song live with your band, right?
I notice how the guys have entered the room that until now was off, next to ours, where actually all the instruments are placed, and a microphone with a stand in the middle..
Really? You kids know this?
I turn to them and notice how they're all smiling, the typical expression of those who know they've got away.
Of course you know, it's why you are here. So dumb Beca.
Okay folks! So, Beca, before you reach the guys, what's the title of the song? What can you tell us?
Um well. You caught me off guard, I didn't think we could do that today. Anyway, it's a song I wrote in a very, very..Uh...difficult moment, let's say so. It's called Fight song, and well... it talks for itself, so good listening.
In the meantime Steve and Bob have sent a one-minute break, I head to the other room where another sound technician is waiting for me to set up my earphones so I can hear the base in my ears. Thinking about it, it's the first time I've ever sung in front of someone, on the radio, after the Bellas. I wonder if they will be there to listen to me. If she will be there.
Okay ladies and gentlemen, for the first time ever, Beca Mitchell, here at The Beat radio, with Fight song. Enjoy it!
I close my eyes and take a deep breath listening to the first notes played on the piano slowly by Alex. I feel my heart almost exploding in my chest for the emotion. Come on Beca, it's your time. Show what you're worth.
Like a small boat,
on the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion.
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
Everything I've been told, everything I've been through, that's all. And the only word that can open my heart, unfortunately for me, is hers. And despite all the pain I've suffered, all I do is wait. Still.
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion!
My opportunity to speak up. To tell my truth. To get everything back.
And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
Sabrina. New York. My feelings repressed, the vicious circle I entered after the break. Chloe.
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?
I hope you did.
This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song.
I open my eyes and grab the microphone with force. This moment is for all those times when I felt miserable, useless, without a purpose. It's the song of my redemption, of my fresh restart.
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song.
I feel the adrenaline rising from the tip of my toes to the last hair, taking away the anxiety of not even 1 minute ago. I'm in the right place. In my place, and this no one can ever take it away from me.
And I don't really care if nobody else believes,
Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me.
A mocking smile curves my lips, and my gaze is captured by Blake who is with her phone at the entrance of the booth definitely making a video of the performance. She almost looks like a proud mom of her kids at the school play at the end of the year. So weird.
Losing friends and I'm chasing sleep
Everybody's worried about me
The Bellas. The only people I've ever had close in my entire life, after leaving New York, I've driven them away. Amy. Lucky she was there.
In too deep,
Say I'm in too deep (in too deep)
I turn to Sam who, together with Alex, are the ones designated to do the choristers and to harmonize all the songs. They are phenomenal.
And it's been two years I miss my home
But there's a fire burning in my bones
My home. It's simple, a pair of blue ocean eyes and a redhead. Miss her so much.
Still believe
Yeah, I still believe
If there's even one chance, I can't help but hope for it.
And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?
I'll scream until you hear me. It's a promise.
This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I hear my voice vibrate a bit because of the emotion of the moment and my hands shake, but I can't afford to be overwhelmed. I have to finish in the best possible way.
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me,
Know I've still got a lot of fight left in me.
The last words are almost spoken. I look down and glue my eyes to the floor. I feel some tears forming at the corners of them. They are not of sadness, but of emotion. It was intense. I'm very bound to this song. I wrote it right after the fight with Chloe at my house. Everything points to her.
She's so irremediably and inevitably in my mind. I'm so screwed.
