"Hey! Can I get everyone's attention? I have a very important message to share!"
Wendy stood at the front of the drumline bus, home to the entire drumline and half of the winds. A second bus was home to the entire color guard and the remaining band members. The color guard bus was known to be the quiet bus, and the drumline bus was the raucous one. The students on the bus were loud and laughing as they celebrated their success at the first regional marching band competition of the season. They had only scored in the low seventies this time around, but they were still number one in their division, and they could only improve from here.
Wendy realized that the bus was not going to quiet down at all while everyone was still feeling the high. She whispered something to the bus driver, who chuckled and handed her the coach microphone.
"Excuse me! May I have your attention please!"
The bus quickly went silent.
"Damn, that was effective," Wendy said, stunned. "Ah, anyway, I don't know if you've all heard, but there was a brutal attack that occurred tonight. A brutal decimation of every other band in the division because we are number one, motherfuckers!"
The bus cheered loudly, partly because of the excitement from winning and partly because it was a rare occasion to hear Wendy swear.
"Now, we can't rest on our laurels, of course. We have a lot of work to do over the next two weeks to tighten up our sound and clean up our formations, but Mr. Bunting says the base is there for a legendary championship caliber show. Can I get a 3BD?"
"Bitches better bow down!" they cheered.
Kenny slid down in his seat and propped his feet up onto the back of the seat in front of him. He was still vibing from the exhilaration of performing in front of a large crowd and in a high pressure situation. He was hard pressed to think of a better feeling. Okay, so he could think of a better feeling, but this was the best that he could get without needing to clean up afterward.
Kenny watched Wendy as she handed the microphone back to the bus driver and walked down the aisle to join Kyle in the seat adjacent to his. Wendy made eye contact with him as she approached. Kenny grinned and gave her a wink.
"Great job rallying the troops, Sergeant Testaburger."
She rolled her eyes at him. "You don't need to be facetious all the time, Kenny. Hey, Kyle!" She gracefully took her seat and turned her attention to her seatmate, leaving Kenny bewildered.
"What the actual fuck? I was being serious…" Kenny mumbled under his breath.
He sighed and crossed his arms. He and Wendy had never been particularly close, but they had always been on friendly terms. That is, they were on friendly terms until this school year. Kenny wasn't exactly sure what happened to make things different, but since band camp, Wendy had felt a little cold whenever they spoke. It hadn't bothered him much up until then, but now that he was genuinely trying to compliment her, the change actually upset him.
Sighing again, he reached into his jacket pocket, pulling out his cell and headphones. Music was the perfect cure for a bad mood. He sunk further into his seat, closed his eyes, and lost himself in his happy place.
. . .
. . .
"...hey. Hey, K. Wake up, dude."
Kenny cracked open an eye to find out who had the audacity to wake him up from his metal coma.
Tweek grinned at him from deep inside the hood of his sweatshirt. "Hey fucker, come on and let's go get something to eat."
Kenny sat up and looked out the window. The neon lights of the 24-hour rest stop glowed around them. He stretched his arms and legs out, cracking his neck as he moved it from side to side. He silently held out his hands to Tweek and waited.
"Yeah, I'm not helping you up, dude," said Tweek.
Kenny pouted and gave Tweek his strongest puppy dog eyes.
"Ngh, goddammit. Fine!" Tweek reached out and grabbed Kenny's hands, yanking back to help Kenny stand up. "Lazy fucker," he grumbled.
"Hey man, you're the one who caves so quickly from that look, so don't blame me for using it on you," Kenny grinned as he skipped off the bus.
The rest stop was already full with the other students. Some were standing in line for various fast foods, some were sitting at tables and already eating, and the rest were standing around in clumps scattered around the building.
Kenny joined Tweek in the line for pizza, but didn't intend to order anything. It was an unspoken custom in their friendship that Tweek would order enough for both him and Kenny whenever the band stopped for food. They had never discussed it, but it worked for them. It all started while they were returning from the first band competition that Tweek went on. He had freaked out about all of the food options at the particular rest stop and as a result, ordered from every restaurant there, totaling forty dollars in food.
"Fuck! How the fuck am I going to eat all of this fucking food, dude?! Ngh, fuck me!"
"Woah, dude, chill!" said Kenny. "It's not the end of the world."
"Will you help me eat it, K?" Tweek asked. "Come on, if I have to throw away all this food, I think I'm gonna have a panic attack!"
Kenny chuckled to himself, remembering what Tweek was like when he first moved back to South Park. The first few months had been difficult as he was transitioning to the new school on top of starting some new medications. He hadn't changed much since then, but now he was definitely able to handle everyday stressors like food selection and moderation.
Food finally in hand, they joined a table of drummers and dug in. Kenny leaned back in his chair and enjoyed the conversation with his friends once he had eaten his fill. It was moments like this that solidified the band as his found family.
The room suddenly went dark as his eyes were covered by two petite hands.
"Guess who?!"
Kenny smirked. That voice could only belong to one person.
"It's my next satisfied customer," he said in a seductive tone.
Butters dropped his hands and laughed. "No, Ken! It's me! Butters!" He moved from behind Kenny and took a seat on the table's edge.
"I know. My answer still stands." Kenny wiggled his eyebrows. "You know, you don't have to sit on the table. You can always have a seat on my lap."
"Don't be silly, Ken!" Butters nervously laughed.
"Why would that be silly?"
"It'd be embarrassing…" he blushed.
Kenny loved Butters' innocence. There was something really sexy about it. He flirted with Butters just for the fun of it, but someday he really did want to pollinate that adorable flower.
"...besides, after the STD rumor, only a crazy person would be seen sitting on your lap," Butters finished.
"Thanks," Kenny said flatly.
"Sorry. That was rude of me. My dad always used to say, 'Butters, if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all or you're grounded'. I should've known better."
"No, you're right," Kenny sighed. "I'm just still pissed about the whole thing. Sure, I tested negative and I did an interview with the school paper last night to clear it up, but realistically, this shit is probably going to follow me for a while."
"I really am sorry that you went through that. Those flyers weren't very nice. Do you know who put them up?" asked Butters.
"No. But if I ever do find out who was behind them, I'm going to kick their fucking ass."
Butters could sense the tension rising in Kenny's jaw, so he decided to quickly change the subject.
"Hey Ken! You know what else kicks butt? The Blue Devils!"
"Oh yeah, that's right! Shit, I forgot that you spun with them this summer. Damn. Yes, please, talk to me about that instead. Like I didn't even know you had been interested in auditioning."
"I didn't think I'd get in, and neither did my folks, but my dad said that if I made it, they'd pay the thirty-five hundred dollars for me to tour. I'm pretty sure he said that as a joke, but I made him eat his gosh darn words all right!"
"Hey guys," said Mr. Bunting as he approached their table, "start to make your way back to the buses, okay? We leave in ten minutes, with or without you."
Kenny stood up and nodded to the rest of the table. "Come on, dudes." He turned back to Butters. "Wanna stowaway on the drumline bus? You could sit next to me...see what happens in the dark…"
"Oh, Ken!" Butters slapped Kenny's arm and laughed. "I couldn't leave the girls on the color guard bus. We were in the middle of an intense game of truth or dare!"
"Exhilarating," Kenny said sarcastically under his breath. "Walk with me to the buses then?"
"Sure!"
As Kenny and Butters walked away from the rest stop, Heidi spotted them from outside the bus. She waved her hand frantically in the air in an attempt to get their attention. When they didn't give her the response she was looking for, she ran across the parking lot to meet them.
"What's the deal with Heidi?" asked Kenny.
"Your guess is as good as mine," said Butters.
"Guys!" Heidi exclaimed. "You'll never guess what happened!"
They both looked at her like she had three heads.
"You got back together with Eric?" asked Butters.
"No, gross! Why would you even say that?" she said.
"Cause you said I'd never guess it, and that was the first thing I wouldn't expect to have happened."
Heidi shook her head, stunned, then turned her focus to Kenny.
"Look, as I was getting on the bus, I realized that I wasn't the first one there. And what I saw...well it was downright scandalous!"
"Now Heidi, when a man and a woman love each other very much—oww!" Kenny rubbed his arm where Heidi had punched it.
"I know what sex is, dumbass," she said with a roll of her eyes. "And no, no one was having sex on the bus." She scrolled through her phone as she continued. "But give it a few more weeks and maybe it'll get to that."
She held up her phone for Kenny and Butters to see a photo of Wendy and Kyle getting cozy together. Kyle was sitting at an angle and leaning against the window with Wendy's head snuggled against his chest while they talked.
"So?" asked Kenny.
"So? So? Wendy has a boyfriend, Kenny!" said Heidi.
"Uh-huh. I still don't see the problem with two friends getting comfy while they chat."
"You think that's just two friends chatting? I thought you'd understand better than anyone, Kenny."
"What's that supposed to mean?" he asked.
"I dunno, Ken," Butters chimed in. "Most friends don't get that comfy with each other. That's the sorta thing that's just between boyfriends and girlfriends."
"Thank you!" said Heidi. "My point exactly!"
"Fine, I'll agree that it's mildly flirty. But Wendy and Kyle have always been good friends, so it's harmless. Sure, they've been hanging out a lot more this year… And they've been way more playful with each other at practice… And the other day I swore I saw them making eyes at each other…"
Kenny froze. Heidi and Butters raised their eyebrows, waiting for him to finish his thought.
"...But that's just friendly flirting between friends. I do it all the time."
He looked up ahead at Tweek, who had finally made it out of the rest stop alive. "Hey Tweek! Nice ass, bro!"
Tweek shrieked and spun around searching for who was yelling about his ass. When he saw Kenny giving him a big thumbs up, he flipped him off and continued toward the bus.
"See? Harmless. Wendy isn't going to cheat on Stan with Kyle. That's ridiculous. You guys just want drama."
Heidi narrowed her eyes. "We'll see, McCormick. I know these things. I give it two weeks before we find them making out on the bus, and a month before they're caught under the dirty sex blanket in the band room."
"You know, I've never actually used that blanket. I should change that. Hey Butters…"
Kenny turned to get one more bit of flirty teasing at Butters, only to watch Butters climbing into the color guard bus. He turned back to Heidi, but she was already halfway across the parking lot. He looked around and realized that he was the only band member not on a bus. As the diesel engines engaged, he sprinted across the parking lot.
Kenny pulled into a space across the street from Tweek Bros and put his truck in park. He grumbled to himself as he closed the driver's door, not bothering to lock it. No one wanted to steal his truck. He knew this for a fact. One time he had actually seen a car thief sniff around his truck, make a face, and then break into the car behind his.
He really didn't want to do this today. He was still tired from last night, and although he loved going to band competitions, he was cranky that he was out a night's worth of tips because of it. It wasn't even worth him being here, anyway. It was going to be obvious to everyone that he didn't score any more points because everyone in the school thought he had an STD. Why have the meeting this week at all? It's not like Clyde would've been successful.
Kenny crossed the street and entered the coffee shop, waving at Tweek, who gave him a head nod in return. He saw that Craig and Bebe were already at the table, but there was no sign of Clyde.
"Hey, dudes," he said as he pulled out a chair and joined them. "Where's Donovan? Is he in the bathroom or something? I wanna get this over with quickly so I can get to work and make up for yesterday."
"Nope. He's not here yet," said Craig.
Bebe tapped her freshly manicured nails on the table. "I'm gonna try calling him. He's been known to oversleep sometimes."
"Yeah, I'm not going to wait around to listen to that phone call. I'm gonna go have a smoke with Tweek," said Kenny. "Hey Tweek!" he yelled as he walked toward the counter.
Tweek couldn't hear over his headphones. Kenny shrugged and grabbed Tweek's arm, dragging him toward the exit.
"Jesus fucking Christ!" Tweek shrieked, tearing his headphones out of his ears. "The fuck, Kenny?!"
"Come on, we're going to smoke. I'll let you have one of mine."
"That doesn't make up for the fact that you scared the shit out of me!"
"Maybe, but the nicotine will help you relax, so we're even."
"I hate you, K!"
"Love you, too, babe."
The door closed loudly behind them.
"Damn, who shit in his cereal this morning?" asked Craig.
"Which one, Kenny or Tweek?" Bebe laughed as she pulled up Clyde's number.
"Kenny. He's only been here for a minute and he's already acting like he's on his period."
Bebe glared at Craig as she put the phone to her ear. The more times it rang, the more concerned she became.
"Clyde, your phone is ringing!"
Clyde's eyes shot open, hurting from the sudden exposure to light. "Huh?"
Nichole was still curled up next to him, sound asleep. Token was standing over him, tapping his hand on Clyde's chest. Once he saw Clyde was awake, he held out his ringing phone for him to take. Token was still naked, too. The sight helped clear the cobwebs of sleep from Clyde's mind. He felt his cheeks grow warm.
"The sound of the Doja Cat means that the boss bitch is calling," Token laughed. "So you must be in some kind of trouble."
"I wonder why she's calling so early," Clyde asked as he took the phone from Token and unlocked the screen. "It's only—" His eyes widened when he saw the time on his phone. "Fuck, it's after eleven!"
He quickly swiped to answer the phone, getting tangled in the blankets as he scrambled out of bed. "Oh my god, Bebe, I'm so sorry!"
Token dodged a frantic Clyde, then climbed back in bed with Nichole, who'd been woken up by Clyde's antics.
"Where the fuck are you?" asked Bebe. "We're all here, waiting, and you're a no-show! Remember that this was all your idea in the first place!"
"I know, I know! I'm sorry, I overslept!"
"Seriously?" she sighed. "Do I need to start coming over your house to wake you on Sundays so this doesn't happen again?"
"Uh, I'm not at my house right now…"
"What? Where are you? Wait, did you…?"
"I'm at Token's house. Nichole's here, too."
"Oh my god, seriously? Did you score? How do I double check this with such short notice?"
"Do you want me to take a picture of us?" asked Clyde, glancing back at his friends.
"Yeah…"
Clyde wasn't sure what else Bebe was saying, or if she was still even talking. He had already opened Snapchat and had plopped down onto the bed.
"Hey guys, smile for Bebe!" he said, holding up the phone.
Token wrapped one arm around Nichole's chest for some modesty—no one had consented to any tit pics—and the other around Clyde, pulling him close. Clyde snapped the picture of the three of them, covered only by blankets, and sent it to Bebe. When he brought the phone back up to his ear, Bebe was still talking.
"...I think about it, don't take a pic. For all I know, you just hung out last night."
"Uh...yeah, I already sent it," said Clyde.
There was silence on the other end. Clyde held his breath.
"Are you fucking kidding me?!" Bebe shrieked. "How did this happen? I have so many questions!"
"Let me get dressed and head over. Meet me outside, okay?"
Clyde ended the call and turned to look at Token and Nichole. "Sorry to be leaving so fast. I forgot that I was supposed to meet Bebe this morning."
"I'm guessing the photo was proof of your alibi?" asked Nichole.
"Yeah. I hope it was okay. Cause she's not a dumbass, so she'll be able to figure out what went down from that pic," said Clyde.
"Well, we usually don't kiss and tell," she said, rubbing Token's shoulder, "but I know Bebe, and I know how she can get when she thinks you're hiding something from her. She'd probably have eventually found out one way or another."
"I'm fine with her knowing if you are, babe," said Token.
Nichole nodded and leaned in to share a kiss with him.
"Thank, guys." Clyde grabbed his stuff and headed to the bedroom door. He paused in the doorway. "And uh, thanks for everything else, too. These last two weeks have been very eye-opening for me, so…yeah…"
He rubbed the back of his head and nodded awkwardly before he finally left.
"Hey. Hey, are you even listening to me? Hey dickweed!" Kenny flicked Tweek's ear with his finger.
"Aagh! That hurt, you fuck!" Tweek screeched.
"It was the only way to get you to stop ogling Tucker and rejoin the conversation.
"It wasn't much of a conversation, so I decided to do something fun, like stare at a hot person."
"What do you mean by that?" asked Kenny.
"Come on, Kenny. You didn't really think there was any back and forth in that 'conversation', did you? I've just been standing here nodding and grunting while you've been ranting. It can be entertaining in small doses, but Christ dude, it gets really fucking old when it's all you hear."
"I wasn't ranting," Kenny insisted.
"You seriously believe that?" Tweek stared at Kenny, the muscle around his left eye twitching. "You were going on yet again about the STD rumor, and I get why it's still on your mind, but I've heard it all already! And before the rumor started, a lot of our conversations turn into you ranting about Clyde Donovan. Again, for someone you insist that you hate, you talk about him a lot."
Kenny took a drag from his cigarette and rolled his eyes as he exhaled.
"You've just been so fucking angry lately, and it sucks!" Tweek continued. "When I first moved back to South Park, I was immediately drawn to you because you were so chill and fun, and you never asked me about where I was or what I was doing in the years I was gone. But ever since band camp, you've been getting angrier and angrier. You just seem pissed off most of the time. I love you, but you kinda suck now. Ever since you started hanging out with Clyde."
"I do not hang out with Donovan," said Kenny through gritted teeth.
"See! Right there! You're getting angry again! And we're literally out here right now because the three of you are waiting for him. This is the fourth time you guys have met here since school started. That's fucking hanging out!"
Not five seconds later, Clyde's car came up the road and slid into street parking a few buildings away.
"Speak of the devil…" said Tweek.
Both Tweek and Kenny were startled by the sound of the coffee shop bell ringing as the door burst open and Bebe ran out past them on her way over to Clyde.
"That's my cue to go back inside," sighed Kenny.
Craig looked up from his phone when he heard the door open again. "Oh good. I'm no longer the social reject sitting alone in an empty coffee shop."
Tweek cracked a smile. "I'd keep you company if I didn't have to keep working. I like social rejects. And I could've given you some of my good tasting foam." He winked at Craig as he slipped his apron over his neck and tied it in the back.
Craig's mouth hung open like he was about to say a witty comeback, but nothing came out. His cheeks pinked up and he finally closed his mouth. "Fuck it, I got nothing," he said.
Tweek smirked and held up his index finger. "That's one point for me, cutie." He disappeared into the back room, giving Craig a moment of reprieve.
"Oh god, you guys just need to fuck and get it over with," said Kenny, plopping back down into his chair.
"What?!" said Craig, grasping at his chullo strings. "It's not like that. It's just harmless flirting. And why are you so fucking angry today?"
"You, too? What is it with you guys? I'm not angry."
After a few more minutes, Bebe returned with Clyde following behind. Craig stood up when he saw his tardy friend.
"It's about damn time! Where were you, dude?" he asked.
"Probably nowhere important," Kenny muttered.
Clyde and Bebe shared a look as they pulled out their chairs and sat down. Kenny rolled his eyes at the giddy grin on Clyde's face.
"Do you want to tell them, or do you want me to do it?" asked Bebe, looking almost as excited as Clyde.
"I can do it." Clyde fidgeted in his seat. "So, uh...sorry I'm late. I overslept because I had a big night last night. I got together with some friends, we had some pizza, watched some movies, and, uh…"
Clyde tried to keep his eyes up, but it was hard to look at the others without feeling butterflies in his stomach. He never thought it would be this hard to brag about having a threesome.
"...and then I had a threesome with them."
Clyde felt his face heat up once the words left his mouth.
It was quiet. No one was saying anything. He raised his eyes up briefly to read their faces. Bebe looked like she was going to burst from all the delicious tea. Craig looked genuinely surprised. Kenny was stone-faced, staring daggers into Clyde.
Kenny huffed and began to slow clap. "Well congratu-fucking-lations, Donovan. You somehow managed to convince two naive football fangirls to sleep with you before they could make better decisions. Bravo. Well-fucking-done."
Bebe leaned forward and slapped both of her hands down on the table. "It wasn't two girls, it was a girl and a guy!" she blurted out.
Kenny's eyes widened. He looked over at Bebe in disbelief, then back to Clyde for some sort of confirmation.
Clyde's face burned under Kenny's eyes. He nodded. "It was Token and Nichole."
Kenny started to laugh. He wasn't buying it. "All right, Donovan, nice try. You almost got me there. Two guys and a girl only counts as one point because you only had sex with Nichole. It's not fair to give you two goddamn points when all you did was accidentally touch Token's balls and shout 'no homo' at him when it happened."
"Uh... yeah…I kinda got railed by Token after we double teamed Nichole, so…" Clyde held up two fingers. "...Two points."
"I call bullshit," said Kenny. "You're straight."
Craig finally spoke up. "I'd normally be on Kenny's side with this, as Clyde was always the straightest person I knew, but…"
"But?" Kenny turned to look directly at Craig.
"But remember that I said I knew what was distracting Clyde and that it wasn't his knee?"
"Please don't say that he was having some miraculous epiphany about his sexuality."
"I don't know if it was quite that deep. This is Clyde we're talking about..." said Craig.
"Hey!" Clyde interjected.
"...But yeah. He talked to me about it one day at lunch. And it felt genuine. Not everyone knows their sexuality early on, and not everyone is prepared to accept it immediately. Clyde's slow at a lot of things,"—"HEY!"—"and discovering his sexuality is apparently another one."
Kenny tightened his jaw. He stared at Craig, then back over at Clyde. Clyde felt a jolt through his body.
"If you're still skeptical, I can text Nichole for an official confirmation. Clyde only sent me a picture of them all in bed…"
"Ugh, thanks a lot for that visual," Kenny scoffed.
"...but that doesn't prove that he actually fucked Token. Or Nichole for that matter. He could've just paid them to take the pic. You know what, I am gonna call her."
Before Clyde could complain that Bebe was hurting more than helping now, she had her phone out and calling Nichole.
"Hey Bebe! What's up, gorgeous?" Nichole chirped over the speaker.
"Hey girl, not much," Bebe replied. She held up her hand to tell the guys to be quiet. "So I just have a quick question for-"
"Clyde already told you, didn't he?" Nichole laughed.
"Yes. Yes, he did. You think that I'd let him keep anything that juicy away from me?" said Bebe. "I hope you enjoyed yourself."
"I enjoyed myself a couple times," giggled Nichole. "And his cock looked exactly like you described it, right down to the—"
The three pairs of horrified eyes looking at Bebe told her it was time to cut the conversation short.
"Oh, shit! Sorry, Nic, my Dad is knocking at the door. I'll text you later, okay? Bye!" She cleared her throat, ignoring the fake retching sound that Kenny was making. "I'd say that's pretty solid evidence, Kenny," she continued.
"Fine. Whatever. I concede," he said, slouching into his chair and crossing his arms.
"Okay, now that that's finally dealt with, did you hook up with anyone this week?" she asked.
"No."
"That settles it then," said Bebe. "Clyde currently has two points, and Kenny still has one. Still could be anyone's game, though. It's only been a month."
"It's only been a month," whined Craig. "It feels like it's been years."
Tweek finally arrived with a tray full of their usual drinks. "Sorry it took a while, guys," he said as he began to place down the mugs.
Clyde stared at Kenny from across the table. It felt so good to be on top for once. Since the beginning, Kenny always seemed to be a step ahead of him, but now the tables were turned. Clyde couldn't help but want to rub it in, just a little.
"So you really didn't hook-up with anyone last week, McCormick?"
"Yes, really, Donovan. It's impossible to get anyone to fuck me when everyone believes a bullshit rumor that I have an STD and passed it to someone else."
Clyde picked up his mug of hot chocolate and muttered as he took a sip. "Wow, that worked better than I thought."
Unfortunately for Clyde, he was a loud person, and even muttering was loud enough for others to hear. He froze mid-sip as everyone turned toward him. Craig covered his face in embarrassment. Bebe's mouth hung open in shock. Tweek's mouth twitched.
Kenny's face darkened. "What was that?" he asked. His voice was calm, quiet, and dangerous.
The hairs on the back of Clyde's neck stood up. He put down his mug and swallowed hard. There was no hiding it now. His own idiocy had fucked him over, and any attempt to feign ignorance would just make things worse.
He cleared his throat. "I said…'that worked better than I thought'."
Tweek folded the tray under his arm. "Does that mean that you were the one who put up those flyers? You're the STD rumor mastermind?"
Clyde felt the heat of embarrassment rise in his skin. "Um...yeah...it was me."
Silence.
How would Kenny respond? Clyde was afraid to look at him. He fixed his eyes on a small coffee stain on the table.
Thwack!
Tweek smacked his serving tray on the table, sending the others' hearts into their throats.
"HA! I fucking told you, Kenny! You said that he was too simple and stupid to do something so diabolical! You were wrong, and I was fucking right!" Tweek was practically vibrating with kinetic energy. "Pay up, motherfucker!" He held out his hand to Kenny, who was still staring at Clyde, unblinking.
Kenny closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He reached into his pant pocket to pull out his wallet. He fished out his emergency twenty dollar bill, then folded up his wallet and shoved it back into his pants. He slowly opened his eyes, still fixed on Clyde, and slapped the bill into Tweek's awaiting palm.
Tweek moved around the table and crouched down next to Craig. "Hey cutie, wanna grab a sandwich with me after my shift? I recently came into some money," he said with a shit-eating grin.
Craig was stunned. Tweek was asking him a direct question that he was expected to answer...and he was so close right now...and he could feel his hand resting on the back of his chair. He was so dumbfounded that all he could utter was "you mean like a date?"
Tweek wasn't able to hear the question. He talked over Craig as he remembered something. "Ah crap! I have a group meeting later with some people from my history class for this dumbass project we have to do. I'm gonna keep this twenty somewhere safe and maybe I could take a raincheck for that sandwich?"
"Yeah. Sure," said Craig.
Kenny abruptly stood up, his chair scraping against the hardwood floor. He didn't say anything. He just turned and quickly headed to the exit, pulling out his pack of cigarettes and sticking one between his lips once he was outside. They all watched as he stormed off, lighting up his cigarette and disappearing down the street.
Clyde's gaze returned to that coffee stain. He could feel their eyes back on him. He had expected to feel good all day. He had an amazing night with his friends. He was now not only on the scoreboard, but he was also in the lead. His scheme to fuck up Kenny's seduction ability even worked! Everything he could have wanted had happened. He should be happy right now.
Tweek stood up. "Well, I'm gonna take that as my cue to leave. I think you guys probably have some important shit you need to discuss, so..." He turned around and nearly sprinted to the back room.
"That was a really shitty thing to do, Clyde," Bebe said once Tweek was gone.
Clyde looked up at her. The look on her face made his heart drop.
"I'm disappointed in you, babe. You're better than this."
"I know," he said softly.
"Dude, me too. That really fucked with Kenny's head. I get that you two are at odds, but that was a low blow."
"Yeah, I can see that now. At the time, I was so frustrated that I wasn't having any luck with the ladies, and then I fucked up my knee, and Kenny already had a point, and he was being such an arrogant prick…" Clyde sighed. "I just went on the defense. I did whatever I could to try to cockblock him."
"We're not saying your reasons don't make sense," said Bebe, "but that doesn't change the fact that it was shitty and I never would've thought that my sweet, goofy bestie would ever do something like that."
Bebe stood up, followed by Craig. "Your punishment is that you get to pay for all of our drinks today. See you tomorrow." They left Clyde alone in the cafe.
He certainly did feel shitty. He felt shitty for incriminating himself. He felt shitty for disappointing his friends. Still, deep down he felt proud that his plan had actually worked. He sighed. Nothing else to do now. Might as well go home and drown his thoughts in burritos and videogames.
"The fuck?"
Clyde looked up to see Tweek standing at the counter, the backroom door swinging behind him.
"Where'd everyone go?"
"They're not very happy at me right now, so they ditched me with the bill," said Clyde. "Could I get a large black coffee with two sugars to go? If I'm paying, I figure I might as well get a coffee for my dad. Also, maybe it'll make it up to you for me hurting your friend."
Tweek laughed as he started to brew the coffee. "Look dude, I'm not upset at you for fucking over K. Actually, I'm pretty happy about it. I'm twenty dollars richer, and I'm never gonna let him live down the fact that I was right about you being smarter than he thinks. I know I don't know you very well, but I gathered that from everything he's told me about this weird-ass rivalry you two have."
He poured the hot liquid into a paper cup, popped on the lid, and slid on a cardboard sleeve. He handed it to Clyde. "That'll be fifteen sixty-two for everything."
Tweek continued as he cashed out the bill. "I don't know what sort of bizarre relationship you guys have-"
Clyde cringed at the word relationship.
"-but, for what it's worth, starting a rumor about him having and spreading an STD was pretty fucked up. I don't know if you meant it as a joke or a prank, or whether you were actually trying to hurt him, but what I do know is that you should probably apologize. If not for your relationship with him, then for his relationship with me. Cause I'm getting pretty tired of him being pissed the fuck off all the time."
Tweek laughed once more as he pulled his headphones out of his apron pocket and stuck them in his ears. Clyde took it as his cue to leave, now that Tweek had a broom in his hand and was in thrash metal cleaning mode. He exited the coffee shop and headed down the street to where his car was parked.
Relationship. Heh. There was no "relationship" between Clyde and Kenny. If they could have their way, they'd never have to interact ever again. Unfortunately for them, Park County High wasn't a very large school, and it was impossible to completely avoid someone. Graduation honestly couldn't come soon enough. Then Clyde would go off to college and he'd never have to see Kenny's ugly mug ever again. That was the dream. First he'd beat Kenny and be crowned the number one guy in the school, then he'd graduate, then he'd leave South Park in his dust. That was his plan, as long as there weren't any surprises—
Clyde felt his shoulders jerk back as he lost his balance. He stumbled backward, disoriented—his dad's coffee falling from his hand and exploding on the ground. Someone was pulling him into the alley next to Tweek Bros. Oh my god...was he going to die here? He was too young and handsome to get murdered! It was only a couple seconds before his body was thrown against the brick wall with a painful thud. His eyes finally focused on the culprit.
Kenny looked up at him, growling. He gripped Clyde's letterman jacket in his hands, pressing his full weight into Clyde's body and pinning him to the wall. He looked like a predator about to go in for the kill.
"You! You fucking asshole!" he screamed. "I can't believe that you're the reason for all this bullshit!"
In spite of his gut telling him to keep his mouth shut, Clyde responded. "Me? I'm the asshole? I'm the asshole for trying to serve back what you sent my way? Even before we agreed to this competition, you have humiliated me and insulted me and made me feel like shit, and you act like you're better than me! I thought that my chance at a college football career was destroyed, and when it miraculously wasn't, you told me to my face that I was faking it! All I did with those flyers was try to even the score by making you feel the same kind of humiliation!"
Kenny tightened his grip. "What the fuck is wrong with you Donovan? Do you ever think of anyone but yourself? I won't deny that I've been shitting on you with a smile on my face, but I never, NEVER"—Kenny pulled at Kenny's jacket and slammed him back against the wall—"brought anyone else into our feud. Did you ever stop to think about the consequences of your actions? I know you don't care that my life was shit for the past two weeks, and honestly, I don't really care either, but did you ever think that I wasn't the only person you might be harming when you started that rumor? What about Red? She already gets shit for being open about having sex, and most of the school knows that we hooked up recently. Did you consider how this would affect her? Did you think that maybe because she was associated with me, people might start whispering that she has STDs too?"
Clyde was speechless. His stomach turned as Kenny ripped into him. "No...I didn't think about that," he said quietly.
"Yeah! You didn't fucking think!" Kenny continued. "She's clean, by the way, but you didn't have to hear the worry in her voice as she sat next to me in the health clinic waiting to get fucking tested. Or what about Karen? She's your friend now, right? Did you not think about how she might be affected by Super School News calling me a random slut on the front page? What her peers might say? The bullying she might've endured, simply because she's my little sister?" Kenny's voice started to crack. "If only you had seen the look of sadness on her face when she…"
Kenny's voice trailed off, his eyes glazing over briefly as his mind wandered. Clyde noticed tears welling in the corners of his eyes, and another wave of nausea rolled through his body. Kenny refocused, his eyes back on Clyde, and pulled back his fist. Clyde closed his eyes and braced for impact.
Thud!
Clyde opened his eyes and saw that Kenny had smashed his fist into the wall right next to Clyde's head. He held his fist there as he stared at Clyde—growling, teeth bared, eyes glossy.
He abruptly stepped away, releasing his grip. "You're not worth it," he said, averting his gaze. He turned and walked toward his truck, leaving Clyde alone to catch his breath.
Clyde slid down the wall until he was sitting on the ground once Kenny had driven away. The nauseous feeling was slowly fading away, but he still felt sick. He never wanted to hurt anyone but Kenny. He hadn't considered how his actions would affect Karen's relationship with her brother, and even if he hated Kenny, he didn't hate her. She didn't deserve to get caught up in their feud.
Clyde didn't move from the ground for what felt like hours. He had to fix this somehow. He didn't want to apologize to Kenny—he wasn't sorry for how it affected him—but he had to come clean to Karen. He pulled out his phone and opened up a new conversation.
Hey Karen! Are you free to take a walk with me this afternoon?
