A/N: So, it's been… almost five years since I last updated this, and I have no idea if anyone will read it or not, but… there are fics that I want to finish, and this is, without a doubt, one of them, even if it's been so long since I started writing it that the plot feels weird to me at this point. My writing has changed, and I have (obviously) matured since I started this fic eight years ago. I now have a child who is almost 2yo and well, a lot of things have changed in how I see the world and certain things. I think that, if it was today, I would've written this fic differently. But it's still a good experience, coming back to it and feeling the shifts. It's still a precious work of mine, the second fic I ever wrote, so I will without a doubt finish it.
Please forgive me if some things feel off, if the characters suddenly have changed their initial personalities or if some things aren't going according to what you had imagined. I am trying to stick to the plan, but it's difficult when you're no longer in the same page from five years ago.
Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy it!
This chapter is dedicated to Tofukuga from Tumblr and the lovely Solochely, who have both been great fans of this fic, and the ones who motivated me to not give up on it. Thank you, my darlings!
WARNING: THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS M/M AND INCEST. PLEASE DON'T READ IF IT'S NOT YOUR CUP OF TEA.
Unbetaed.
Assuming We...
Chapter Twelve - Itachi & Sasuke
Sasuke's POV
Itachi and I were sitting at the dining table, silence having settled in the kitchen as we ate. The clanking of cutlery on the plates was deafening, and the weirdest part was that, despite the prickling tension, Itachi's eyes were glued to mine, almost as if he feared that I'd vanish if he so much as blinked. It was flattering, but suffocating as well.
However, no matter how much I stared back, I couldn't read those eyes. I knew Itachi was purposefully keeping up a front to not give away his thoughts - maybe in fear that they would unleash something too strong, too soon - but it was frustrating beyond reason.
My mind was racing, and I felt like a complete mess. I was thinking about so many things at the same that I felt dizzy, conflicted, and thoroughly pissed off that my brother could look so calm and so fucking patient when I felt the way I did.
I knew he was as messed up as I was - the way he had hugged me earlier had given it all away - but knowing he was more capable at hiding than I was made me want to punch him in the face.
It showed how good of a chameleon of an actor he was, that he could use his skills so gracefully even in real life.
Even his hands and his pose were completely relaxed now. I didn't know if I wanted to run away, throw myself at him and kiss him, or start yelling.
Jesus Christ, but I hated myself that all of this was giving me a boner.
It was because I was mindful that there were people starving in the world that I forced myself to chew the food we had half prepared together. The fish was good, but I couldn't enjoy it when my stomach was churning with anticipation. My hands were sweaty. My feet kept moving under the table and I kept adjusting my ass on the chair.
I kept thinking about what I should do. Looking into Itachi's eyes, I knew he was aware of how much a chaos I was now, but out of politeness (or a mature reasonableness that I didn't yet possess), Itachi didn't allow himself to be that open.
In fact, he hadn't made another move to touch me at all after he had welcomed me. Itachi, who always tended to be touchier than I felt comfortable with.
I just wanted him to say something, do something, anything. I didn't want to have to do this alone; I didn't want to have to overthink it, and yet, this whole situation was overpowering.
With a loud groan, I let my cutlery fall on the table. "I can't do this," I said, protectively crossing my arms over my chest.
Itachi didn't flinch, but his eyebrows rose delicately. "What are you referring to?" he asked, as fucking easily as if he was talking about the goddamned weather.
"This!" I snapped, disbelievingly. "Us, being awkward as hell while avoiding the fucking huge elephant in the room! I can barely breathe!" I eyed my brother resentfully. "I can't stand it! It's driving me crazy already! If it's going to be like this until my time here is over then I…"
"You need to calm down," Itachi interrupted, firmly, but with a calm I couldn't muster if my life depended on it. "This isn't exactly easy for me, either."
"It doesn't look that way," I hissed, hugging myself tighter. "I shouldn't have come."
Slowly, Itachi put his knife and fork down, his eyes lowering to his plate. "I'm really happy that you did; you know that."
"Then just…" I groaned again, closing my eyes to try and trying to calm myself down "Fuck. This is just so… urgh."
"Alright, Sasuke." At Itachi's words, I opened my eyes to see him wiping at his mouth with a napkin. He looked back at me, seriously but still awfully formal and blank. "You want to talk?"
I narrowed my eyes. "I want to do a lot of things right now," I retorted, before I could stop myself.
Well, fuck. It's not like I had anything to lose, we both knew what this was all about.
"You're not very subtle with words today," Itachi replied, frowning reproachfully, but with a darkness in his features that allowed me to know that he knew exactly what I was referring to. "Be more careful with what you say, Sasuke. You do realize the delicate situation we're in?"
"All too well," I said defiantly, pleased that I had finally managed to crack his armor.
Itachi sighed. "We can't be impulsive about this."
"I know."
"Well, then, let's address the 'elephant' in the room," he said, grabbing for the pack of cigarettes that he had left within his reach on the table between us. He opened the lid and extended the pack to me. "You want one?"
"Sure," I muttered, helping myself to a cigarette but being mindful to not touch him. "This is exhausting."
"It is," he agreed, lighting his own cigarette with his red lighter before throwing it in my direction. I managed to catch it thanks to quick reflexes, but still sent him a venomous look. "Do you want to start? After all, this has been affecting you for a long time."
"I guess it's no use beating around the bush, but I doubt I can tell you something you don't already know," I mumble, lighting my own cigarette before throwing the lighter carelessly on the table. I gazed up at him. "I'm in love with you."
I gauged his reaction, secretly reveling in the subtle way his nostrils flared up as he inhaled through his nose.
Elegantly, Itachi leaned back on his chair, once again, patiently waiting as he brought the cigarette to his lips and took a small puff. "Go on," he said, almost gently, before blowing the smoke out.
For some reason, as we gauged each other, I was suddenly hit with a wave of gratifying lucidity and calmness. There we were, just the two of us, in a safe environment, knowing why we were there, knowing how we felt, and finally we were going to come clean about it.
It was difficult to forget the tension, but somehow, just knowing that Itachi was there, simply willing to listen, made me feel a thousand times more at ease than I had been in the previous minutes.
I had literally nothing to lose. It was no use lying anymore, and I was too emotionally tried to go around in circles.
"I think it probably started about a year ago," I started, a bit surprised at how easy my voice was coming out of my throat. "I started feeling different things for you when we were around each other. At first, I didn't understand what it was or why I was feeling uncomfortable when I was with you. I thought my feelings were just longing for you since now we live apart and only see each other every few months. Regardless of how happy I am that you're famous and successful, I don't think I've ever really… gotten over this sort of distance, not even now that it's been so long since you've left home."
It was a bit shocking how easy it was to talk to him about this, but I felt so relieved, as well, that it was an almost blissful feeling.
"Leaving you to come study to Tokyo was the hardest thing I had to do in my life, Sasuke," Itachi admitted, sadly. "Especially because I knew it'd have a strong impact on you. That was why I wanted to take you under my wing as soon as I was able to afford it."
"That is not a solution for anything; it never was," I replied, taking another puff on my cigarette and then letting the smoke out slowly. "You have your own life and I have mine and we can't depend on each other. Even back then, I understood it." I pushed my plate a bit to the side so I could place my elbows on the table. "I kept thinking that coming here to live with you would only be a burden to you. Even if you don't see it as such, it's the truth. I wanted you to live your life and do the things you needed to do without having to worry about me. In addition, I wanted to grow by myself and be independent, without you. I couldn't keep following my big brother around forever, even if, many times, I wanted to just say yes and come live with you. But then I thought about mom and dad and I just..."
I sighed, scratching the top of my head with my free hand. Itachi nodded for me to continue.
"I don't know, maybe it was the fact that we've always been close and suddenly I became a teenager and interested in so many things I didn't care about before," I proceeded. "You were always my idol, you know that. I always looked at you with admiration. You were always so fucking smart and kind, but strong, open-minded and focused. Being with you has always made me so happy. It still does, but..."
For a moment there, I was struck by all the feelings of loneliness and abandonment I had felt when Itachi had left home. Those feelings felt distant, and yet, they were still in my heart and only then - when I was being vocal about them - could I acknowledge their existence. They lived inside me, mixed with all the love I had for Itachi and all the things that were harder, more difficult to process - things I had tried to smother at any cost.
"I can't tell the exact moment when it all changed, but all of a sudden I couldn't feel at ease when around you and I'd get these weird urges that would make me feel frustrated all the time," I admitted, making a face. "When I realized what it was, I felt really… dirty and…disgusted at myself."
"Sasuke…" Itachi muttered, frowning in commiseration, the way I spoke having struck a chord in his heart. "Don't say that, you're none of that."
"You're my brother, Itachi," I countered, shaking my head from side to side. "I didn't even think about the fact that you were of the same gender as me, I just kept thinking that it was unhealthy for me to feel such horrible things for my own relative. So, I tried to stay away from you because I didn't know what else to do. I tried to be more sexually active. I dated a lot of girls in hopes that it would made me forget how I felt for you, how much I wanted you. I wanted to fall in love with someone else. I never cared about love or relationships, but I was that desperate."
Realizing the veracity of what I said made my heart beat faster again, but I didn't look away from Itachi's intelligent, attentive eyes. Even if he was silent and seemed mostly impassive, I knew he was absorbing my every word like each sentence was sacred.
It wasn't as if I had pondered on what I'd say to him that day. Not knowing what to expect from my vacation with Itachi, I had imagined thousands of possible case scenarios but had prepared for none.
However, these things just left my mouth with as much honesty as I could muster, and I wasn't embarrassed by them at all - I owned them.
I did know that it would affect him, and that had been my purpose all along. Somehow, I wanted Itachi to understand that I never wanted him to think I had stopped loving him, that it had been the exact opposite to the point where it became almost unbearable to be around him.
I didn't know what I was expecting out of it, though. I was just doing what had to be done to get things clear, but to what end I was still scared to find out.
Decidedly, I would play the game as it progressed – there was no other choice.
"Nothing worked, really," I continued, inhaling the smoke from my cigarette before tapping the forming ashes of the burning stick over the ashtray that stood between Itachi and me. "I couldn't bother to care enough for my girlfriends, and they never managed to make me feel anything out of the ordinary. And then Naruto and I kissed out of some silly bet. Naruto has a hard time with relationships, so when he suggested we dated, it seemed like a crazy idea, but also strangely fitting because we were both looking for something."
Despite myself, I released a small, ironic and fond laugh. "I was honest with him from the start, about being in love with someone and about me dating people so I could try to forget those feelings. And he took it so well. He's been like a grounding force for me. He supports me and my feelings, helps me grow and gives me everything I've always wanted in a relationship and more. I couldn't be more grateful. I love everything about us and it's something I wouldn't have put my faith on a few months ago at all."
"You managed to fall in love with him, then."
Itachi's statement seemed to come out of another world, another dimension. I blinked at him, confused as to why and how Naruto had come to be a part of this conversation without me noticing it.
I had to think twice about what Itachi was saying to me, and only then did it hit me.
Me? In love with Naruto?
It was strange but I didn't have to think about it much at all. Just thinking about Naruto made me remember all the good times we had together, the laughs, the camaraderie, the stupid fights and the calm, content way he made me feel that contrasted so beautifully with the excitement of how sexually liberated we were together.
Being with Naruto gave me a sense of self, and of freedom I had never felt with another person before.
It was odd.
I swallowed hard. "I guess… yes, I did," I admitted softly, with a small shrug of my shoulders. "I can't imagine a life without him right now."
That had been surprisingly easy to acknowledge, even to myself. It should make me happy, relieved, but it really didn't.
It would all be great if Itachi didn't have the impact in me that he did. But well, Itachi had been the reason Naruto and I had gotten together in the first place.
How fucked up was that?
Itachi's eyes didn't change in expression, but his features changed strangely to become harder, slightly affected in an almost arrogant way. "But we're still here, aren't we?" he asked, almost mockingly.
Indeed, falling in love with Naruto had nothing to do with how I felt for Itachi, and neither type of love could possibly be compared. How I felt for both was worlds apart and one love did not erase the other - they just were, with different foundations, different characteristics and different motivations, but still strong and there.
I realized that I been foolish in thinking I could rely on someone else to deal with how I felt for my brother, and I understood that my actions would've probably end up in suffering, not only for Naruto, but for me, too.
I would lose Naruto at some point, and that would devastate me.
I shouldn't have accepted his proposal, because now I was stuck in the middle of my own chaos and unable to escape.
I loved Naruto, but I loved Itachi, too. Naruto's love felt right, but Itachi's didn't (or shouldn't), and yet, its force was so consuming I couldn't help but want it. From the moment I knew Itachi and I had feelings for each other beyond familial, the pieces of this frightening puzzle had started to come together, and a flicker of hope had been ignited. That small flame was something I could not ignore, no matter how much I tried to rationalize all the cons that would follow it.
It hit me then that I was very likely to end up losing not just Naruto, but both.
"It's just… different… how I feel for Naruto and how I feel for you," I muttered, shaking my head from side to side, feeling helpless. "With him I can do whatever I want. It's comfortable and intimate, and crazy. It's exciting and safe, and we have the right amount of just about everything we need. There's nothing more I could ask for, really. It's become both sexual and emotional and… it's perfect."
It was. God, it really was. What was I doing, going on this path with Itachi that would destroy everything?
And the worst part was, a very dark, curious and evil part of me wanted to travel that path to see for myself where it would lead and think about the mess later.
"But when it comes to you, the lines are blurred, Itachi," I said, and my voice shook ever so slightly. I smashed the tip of my cigarette inside the ashtray, taking the time to look away from Itachi so I could regain some form of control over my emotions. "We've always been close, and I do love you. As a person, as a brother, as a friend… there is no replacing who you are to me. But then I feel like I want more from you, and sometimes I want it so badly in ways not even I understand, but then it freaks me out just thinking about the possibility of that even being an option because I know it's wrong and will never have a future. This situation is horrible in every way."
I saw Itachi's hand coming near mine as he put out his own cigarette, but I still wouldn't look up at him. I bit down hard on my lower lip. "It's hasn't gone away because of Naruto at all, but… maybe it's gotten worse because you hinted that there is something else coming from your side and there is a part of me that's clinging to the need to…"
I stopped myself when Itachi's hand finally reached for mine. Long fingers brushed the back of my hand hesitantly for a moment before the fingers retracted, curling in on themselves and turning into a full fist. I saw the hand moving away from sight and I had to look up at Itachi, finding that he had leaned slightly in, his eyes avidly scanning my face even though his features still had an emotionless veil over them.
His tongue appeared between his lips to wet his lips. I gulped, feeling a chill run down my spine.
"Finish what you have to say." Itachi's words were nothing more than an alluring whisper.
"I don't know," I mumbled, looking at him with as much intensity as he was doing. "I don't know if it's just a stupid, childish hope that you and I can be together, somehow, or if it's a necessity to crush this idea and need for things to end up badly and not work out so we can stop feeling this way and go back to the way they were before. So I can go back to Naruto and… make everything official between us, like it should be. Because I'm tired of this, and he doesn't deserve it, and I don't feel like you and I should be living this way, I don't want to feel so horrible with you the way I do. Not with you."
It was Itachi's turn to bite down on his lower lip. From one second to the other I saw the veil fall and his expression change to something I had never seen before but couldn't quite identify.
Unexpectedly, he stood up. Only then did I realize that he seemed to be breathing a little faster than before. "I don't know what to say to you," he said, before promptly turning his back on me and walking towards the counter.
A little surprised, I watched him rummage through the upper cabinets before moving to the lower ones. He left all the doors open and moved to the fridge, where he apparently found what he wanted - an already opened bottle of white wine.
"Itachi," I called out, unsure of what to do. I couldn't read his demeanor despite perceiving his now obvious distress, but I couldn't tell if he was angry or just lost.
"Just give me a second," he said, his polite tone ironically not betraying his body language.
In silence, I watched him pull out the cork on the half full bottle before gracelessly taking a gulp directly from it. He moved again, this time to lean the small of his back on the counter and I noticed he had gotten ghostly pale, even if his cheeks had an almost feverish rosy hue to them.
It was when he closed his eyes and let head fall so his chin touched his chest that I understood he was completely all over the place.
The sight made my heart clench, yet, at the same time, it felt gratifying to know that he was deeply affected by what I just told him.
Knowing we were both feeling the same weight, the same level of confusion and emotion was fucked up, yet sickly reassuring. It was our moment, something we both shared, and it made it all so much easier to handle, somehow.
I took a deep, steadying breath. Carefully, I got up from my chair and made my way to him. He didn't move, but I noticed his eyes following my approaching footsteps as I approached him.
"Can I have some?" I asked, when we were in front of each other, close enough to touch, but not really doing so. He nodded and passed me the bottle of wine, still not looking at me. I accepted it, still mindful not to touch him and took a few healthy swigs of the wine, happy when I felt the alcohol helping my mind to quiet down a bit.
With a sigh, I set the bottle down before leaning back against the counter next to my brother, again, close enough to feel his body heat, but never enough to touch.
We were silent for a while, just taking in the severity of what was happening to, and between us.
"You know, Sasuke. Ever since you were born and I first laid my eyes on you, you've been the most precious thing in my life," Itachi confessed softly, beside me. He finally lifted his head up and looked at me, and for a second there he looked much older. "I immediately felt like you were a part of myself, like I had to protect you and be there for you no matter what. I can't explain it well, but I suppose one can call it something like and unconditional 'love at first sight'."
He smiled at me and I felt a pleasant chill run down my spine.
"You have no idea how happy I was, seeing your first steps, listening to your first words, watching you grow up. It was a joy unlike anything I've ever felt in my life," Itachi said, now straightening up and tilting his head back so he was looking at the ceiling, almost dreamily. "It still is. Watching you grow and succeed at everything you desire, watch you just… being yourself and happy. It fills my heart with joy, regardless of whether I was there to help you or not."
"I know that," I acknowledged, in a whisper. "You were always there for me, even in times when we bickered about every little thing. I always knew I could count on you."
"There is no-one in this world, Sasuke, that I love more than I love you, and there never will be," he said, with a sigh that sounded exhausted. "Mother or father, my close friends, lovers… It may sound harsh, but they don't matter to me as much as you do. You are someone I cannot bear to live without. If something were to happen to you, I'd die. If someone were to hurt you, I'd kill them before they could even take a breath."
I got goosebumps at his words because, as mildly as he spoke, I knew him well enough to know that he was deadly serious. It's not as if I didn't know that, but the realization hit me like a punch to the gut, and with a force I wasn't expecting.
Itachi had always been intense like this, and it got me wondering if his suffocating love had been what forced my own feelings to awaken in response, but I couldn't remember the moment my feelings for him blossomed into something more.
Itachi took another deep breath before continuing. "I knew, since I was a child, that my love for you is something… unnatural, even for a sibling," he said, looking down again, this time at his hands as he scratched at his left palm. "I never thought much about it, though, because you and I have always shared a deep bond. We have always been close, and that made me happy. As I grew older, I understood that, maybe this obsession I had with always being around you and watching over you wasn't exactly healthy. But, again, I didn't want to think about it. If we were okay and you were receptive to me and our balance couldn't be broken, it would be fine. All because caring for you and loving you just comes as naturally as breathing to me, and it always has."
It almost sounded paternal if not for the graveness in his tone and the almost sensual way he uttered these things, as if he knew they were not to be spoken, but took pleasure in finally letting them out.
Itachi looked back at me, this time frowning slightly. "I have always been drawn to you," he admitted, shaking his head from side to side. "I won't deny that it's been intensifying as you grew up and matured and we got to bond over different, more mature things. You are at my level, finally, and that's frankly as exhilarating as it is overwhelming." He stopped himself, taking a second to openly eye me from head to toe, appreciation obvious in his gaze. "You're a breathtaking sight, Sasuke."
My heart nearly jumped out of my throat as my stomach and chest clenched painfully while adrenaline ran through my veins. I honestly wasn't the type of person to feel flattered by these compliments, least of all aroused, but maybe because it was Itachi saying it, I couldn't help the heat from flooding me.
Itachi was the one human being I had always considered perfect in every way. Be it physically or intellectually, he was flawless in every aspect of his existence - even his flaws were perfect. Someone like him saying these things to me should be forbidden.
My mouth ran dry, my hands started shaking, wanting to act, to do something, but I knew I shouldn't, so I found it safer to keep quiet. Clearing my throat, I shoved both my hands inside the pockets of my pants, my mouth firmly shut.
"Maybe that's me being a little narcissistic since we are a lot alike," Itachi proceeded, this time with a small, nasty smirk. "I'm not going to deny that, apart from being drawn to the wonderful person you are, there is also something very… dark that attracts me to you on a more physical form."
He stopped himself again to openly gauge my reaction. Unlike him, I didn't hide behind a mask, but whatever it was that he could see on my face lit a spark in his eyes. "If I have to be completely honest with you, you are everything I've ever wanted in a lover, and I know that, considering how I feel for you, I know I will never find anyone capable of being a replacement for you. I simply cannot feel for another person the way I feel for you; never have, probably never will."
I could hear his breathing going a bit faster, his voice lowering with the force of his own words. Clenching my fists, I had to look away again; it was getting increasingly hard to breathe, hard to not react and stay put.
How could he say those things to me? If I thought I'd been honest about how I felt for him, it was nothing compared to the things he was telling me, and I realized I didn't know how to handle them.
"But you are my little brother," Itachi whispered. "I am Uchiha Itachi, and you are Uchiha Sasuke. We share the same blood, sons of the same mother. As if that wasn't already serious enough, you are underage, and I am not."
"And I'm a guy?" I snapped, finding it easier to cope with my feelings by being aggressive rather than emphatical.
How could someone be so straightforward about things and then put so many obstacles in our path at the same time?
"I'm actually pansexual, much like Naruto, Sasuke."
It felt like being slapped. I thought I was the only one struggling with my sexuality before, trying to understand if I liked guys too or if my attraction to a man was directed linked to my feelings for Itachi and there my brother was, securely affirming that he was aware of his tastes all along.
I couldn't even feel angry as I blinked at him. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"I thought you might suspect it," Itachi replied, apologetically. "I've always been open with you, and tolerant towards so many things. I'm sorry if I wasn't honest about that."
"No, you don't need to apologize," I retorted, pinching the bridge of my nose. "It's just… I feel like we're sharing too much information all at once."
Maybe I should've known. I should've seen it coming but perhaps, because I was so focused on myself and on running away from him, I never got to look at him beyond what I already knew.
Next to me, Itachi heaved a long sigh. He reached out behind him for the bottle of wine again and picked it up. With an elegant gesture of his head that incited me to follow, he walked away with steady steps. I couldn't help but watch him leaving the kitchen, my eyes scanning his form, the contours of his body that seemed so unnaturally perfect and the way his dark hair seemed to fall so gracefully down his back in that loose ponytail that only he could pull off to not make it look messy.
There was nothing inherently feminine about my brother - he was considerably taller than me, and his new role in this movie he was making had demanded him to be impeccably fit. Nevertheless, mundane as he looked in his pajama pants, I couldn't help but think that he was beautiful.
I couldn't grasp, however, if my thoughts came from a desire for him or a desire to be like him. It wasn't as though I cared about how I looked at all, so maybe it had something to do with the whole that was Itachi. Maybe I wanted to have him, or maybe I just wanted to be him. Maybe I was just greedy and wanted both.
Either way, just looking at him made my very soul spiral out of control. My body felt hot, imaginary needles pricking my skin.
I had it bad, and our conversation had done nothing to make it better.
I wondered how long would this last before one of us cracked.
What was going to happen now?
Clenching my teeth, I had to take a second to get my shit together as much as I could. Then, I slowly followed after Itachi.
I found him in the living room, comfortably sitting back on his sumptuous sofa, the bottle of wine resting on the floor. He looked up at me as I approached him, my steps cautious. It was hard to breathe, as if the air in the room was stuffy, heavy, and yet I tried to keep a mature stance as I sat down on the sofa by his left side, again, at a safe distance.
At the same time, as if synced, we twisted our bodies so we could face each other. He did seem more relaxed now, his small breakdown having allowed him to go back to his usual, in control self.
I couldn't help but stare at him and wish that he wouldn't be this way. Even if it was something I admired him for, I just genuinely wished that, for once, he could lose himself completely and make things easier for us.
Even if I had no fucking clue what to do afterwards, for now, that would be ideal.
Still, he just stared. There was no much intensity in those eyes that it felt as though I could hear all the things running through his mind, yet, he didn't move.
It was so frustrating. I understood his side of things, of course I did, but I couldn't understand why he had to keep me at arm's' length.
"So, we basically feel the same way about each other," I started, carefully choosing my words now since the tension was so fragile. "What now?"
Itachi shrugged his shoulders. "I don't have an answer to that," he muttered, softly. "I honestly don't know what to do, Sasuke."
"What do you want to do?" I pressed, daring to drag myself closer to him. He watched my every movement with those clever, perceiving eyes of his who understood my actions very well.
"It's not so much about what I want to do as it is about what must, and mustn't be done," he replied.
"Does it make a difference now?" I asked, with a huff. "You already told me that you love me. You basically told me that you want to fuck me, too. It doesn't make a difference what you say now."
There was a small blush appearing on his cheeks, and yet, he merely frowned reproachfully at me. "Sasuke, that's not what I meant to…"
"Kiss me," I interrupted, assertively, and Itachi started visibly, his eyebrows quirking upwards as if he wasn't expecting my boldness.
Well, truth be told it hadn't been intentional - it had been said without thinking, out of my own sincerity and desire to cause havoc, to break barriers, tear down walls and rip apart the ribbon of blood that connected Itachi and I together.
There wasn't much to be done to avoid the sin anymore, not when we had both made sure to let the secret out to each other.
Itachi's mouth hung open, his eyes oddly wide, unblinking as he watched me speechlessly. I closed my mouth, swallowing hard. In my expectancy, my heart was beating so fast it made me feel slightly disoriented.
Itachi's eyes lowered to my mouth. "What about Naruto?" he whispered. I swallowed hard.
"Naruto has nothing to do with this," I whispered back. "No-one does. It's between you and me."
After a pause that seemed to last forever, Itachi slowly nodded, once. "Alright."
Our eyes locked, then, and I felt like the world had somehow stopped turning.
Short of breath, I watched as Itachi slowly dragged himself closer to me, too, nimble like a dangerous feline. I barely blinked as he reached out to me with both hands to cup my cheeks. It took only a second for the distance between us to be broken as I felt soft, warm lips press gently to mine.
It was the strangest feeling. At first, my heart fluttered with an unknown emotion I hadn't anticipated - something strong, comfortable and familiar, nostalgic almost - only to start beating considerably faster the moment I exhaled through my nose and closed my eyes.
I didn't know what to do with myself. I had expected an explosion of desire, and while it was present, this almost chaste reverence had me feeling helpless.
Itachi's fingers were careful, loving as they stroked my cheeks. My shaky hands came up to grab hold of his wrists, and I could feel the wild thrumming of his pulse beneath my fingertips, giving away the fact that my brother wasn't, in fact, as composed as he seemed, and this both frightened me and excited me unexpectedly.
Swallowing hard, I dared to part my lips and slowly move them against Itachi's. My brother seemed to gasp shakily, softly, before allowing himself to respond, chastely. That was undeniably nicer than I had expected. Suddenly, more than registering that we were finally - finally - kissing, I realized that I had never felt him so undone in my whole life, so obviously fragile in my hands.
Itachi was as feeling as helpless as I was, and it moved me to depths of my soul.
This was probably the moment I understood exactly how fucked up we were, and that we had gotten ourselves into deep, deep shit.
Still, it didn't seem to matter now that we had taken the plunge - at least we were in it together.
"Itachi," I whispered, against his mouth. "Itachi…"
I didn't even know what I wanted to say, what I wanted to express, but it seemed to stir him to life as he released a small moan and pressed his mouth harder to mine.
Without me understanding what was going on, I felt him moving, hands letting go of me so his arms could go around my neck in a breathtaking hug, his body hitting me so unexpectedly I was thrown backwards onto the sofa with his full weight awkwardly on top of me.
I instantly felt like I had caught fire. Itachi's fragility had been veiled again as he took the reins. His kiss had become quick, pressing and relentless, nothing like it had been when we started. He kissed with an almost irrational expertise, voracious, demanding and possessive, and this wasn't exactly something new to me, but I hadn't been prepared at all for the suffocating longing coming from him, poured onto me so openly.
I felt humbled, yet arrogant before it.
God, that felt good.
All I could do was automatically respond with the same fervor, exhilaration filling me almost the point of hysteria.
I understood many things then, one of them being that I didn't know how to handle so much devotion coming from the both of us.
I whimpered slightly, my arms coming around his torso to hold him close, my lips hungrily moving with his carelessly, and yet, clumsy as it was, it felt as if we'd been doing it forever. Our tongues met easily with open hunger; breaths hot against each other as we awkwardly arranged ourselves so I could spread my legs. He understood my silent message because nimbly, he moved to nestle between them, our crotches coming into contact at once, giving away the fact that we were obviously both already fully aroused.
Wow.
Itachi broke the contact to brace himself with both hands at the sides of my head and shower open-mouthed kisses on my cheeks, nibble on jaw, then moving to the side of my neck as threw my head to the side and wound my legs around his hips. I wasn't exactly shy in running my hands up his back, then down again, exploring the contours of a body I knew well, yet not well enough.
Itachi was leaner than Naruto, yet his muscles were harder, too.
I gasped slightly as Itachi ground down, hips easily undulating against me fluidly, perfectly, and creating the most amazing sort of friction I had ever experienced. A warm hand came in between us to lift my shirt up and touch the skin of my navel gently, yet confidently, careful fingers caressing their way up my chest, fingertips brushing over a nipple. My whole body trembled at that, and as he pressed down on me further, I could feel my cock throbbing in yearning inside my pants, the feel of his own hard length against it doing nothing to calm me down.
I could feel that Itachi wasn't as composed as he would've been in the same situation with someone else, but it was clear to me that he was still calculating and thoughtful, ever the perfectionist, counting one step at the time as he attentively contemplated the path ahead.
What makes Sasuke moan? What makes him gasp? What makes him tick?
I could almost hear Itachi's senses eagerly registering every sound I made, every move, every gesture.
It was hard to breathe, but it was one of the best things I've ever felt in my life. I'd had some very intense moments with Naruto, but this was shockingly deep, heavy and… 'ideal' was probably the word, or maybe it was just me being stupidly romantic - a guy hopelessly in love finally getting back ages of longing for the most appetizing fruit, the most forbidden one.
My hands reached out to grab for Itachi's ass to squeeze the butt cheeks there and urge him closer, faster. I moved my head so our mouths could connect once more, wetly and noisily and so strangely in sync it had to be unnatural. He tasted so good I could barely believe it to be real.
None of that seemed real.
I could feel strands of his hair that had fallen from the ponytail brushing my face.
My desire was escalating too fast and too soon, and maybe it was my teenage hormonal state that made it all worse, but I felt shameless and horny and knew I wasn't going to last when I was feeling this ridiculously good for so little.
"Ah…" I panted, feeling my heartbeat go wild as a sort of vertigo hit me. Itachi bit on my lower lip sensually and gave it a slight tug. "I'm close… shit…"
Itachi broke the kiss at once, and while my eyesight was blurry, I could feel his eyes on my face, hungry, perverted, seeking my every expression and I knew he wanted to see what kind of face I made when I orgasmed.
His hips moved faster, harder against me, rubbing down for more friction, his own need for release a silent scream in our turmoil. "Go on," he encouraged, his voice a low, breathless pit of desire. "Let me see it, Sasuke."
And fuck me, that was the kind of hot thing I didn't even know I was into until then, but it made my brain short circuit.
I knew he was watching, and I had the overwhelming need to watch him, too, but I simply couldn't. All I could do was let out a low grunt through clenched teeth and squeeze his ass further. I tried to move with him, lifting my hips upwards for more. I remember throwing my head back and not thinking about anything at all as I came, aided by Itachi's relentless, delicious thrusts. I was vaguely aware of him inhaling sharply as his own hips quivered a little awkwardly for a while.
We rode the high for a few seconds, our bodies undulating together, our pace slowing down progressively. I could feel his breath against my chin, and as I slowly got my shit together, I opened my eyes to find him watching me, his eyes bright with fascination. I noticed his hair was a mess, strands sticking in every direction having set themselves free from the loose ponytail he always wore, making him look completely ravished, so very much unlike him.
I enjoyed seeing that - a rather refreshing change from the always perfect persona Itachi always showed. I added a silent mental note to myself to make sure I would see other sides of this as often as possible. I wanted to undo him completely.
"Jesus Christ," I panted, still dizzy from the explosion of pleasure I had just experienced. "Fuck."
"That's one way to put it," Itachi muttered softly, planting a long kiss on my chin. "I wish you could see yourself right now, Sasuke."
We really didn't need to speak - we both knew how it had felt for the both of us. I didn't need him to explain his words because I knew I was, in his eyes, as astounding as he was in mine.
Just this raw version of each other was everything we needed. Maybe no-one would ever see us as emotionally exposed as we were just then.
"I just realized I don't know how handle the way I feel about you," Itachi whispered, his forehead connecting with mine as he closed his eyes. "I love you so much I don't know what to do. I want to protect you and yet, all I do is taint you."
Swallowing hard, I hugged him. "I was already tainted when I allowed myself to admit my feelings for you," I muttered, softly.
"You're underage, and my brother," Itachi said, as if reprimanding himself. "I should know better."
"And have us be miserable for the rest of our lives?" I asked, with a weak snicker. "How would that be any better?"
He had no answer for me. Silently, he allowed me to gently motion him down, so he was resting his head on my chest. With a small sigh, I languidly kissed the top of his head, my lips relishing in the softness of his hair, feeling soothed by the familiar scent of his shampoo.
"You know what I hate?" he asked me, quietly. "I hate that I can only feel morally guilty to a certain extent. A sadistic part of me just wants to say, 'fuck it'."
I couldn't help but laugh genuinely this time. "It's hard to feel guilty when you click with someone so easily, regardless of the sordid details," I said, absently pulling at the hair band that still held a part of his hair together and removing it completely. In slight awe, I watched as his dark hair came loose in a silky puddle over his shoulders. I put the band around my wrist before running my fingers through the strands, thoughtfully. "Do you really think something like this can be considered a sin?"
Itachi heaved a small breath at the ministrations to his hair. "It doesn't feel that way," he replied. "But it's not how other people will see it, Sasuke."
I bit down on my lip. I knew that. I knew that something like this probably didn't have a future, and regardless of how long it could last behind closed doors, eventually questions would be asked, and secrets would slip away - it was bound to go haywire sooner or later.
Still, I couldn't help but wonder if, despite it all, it wouldn't be worth it. So many people wanted to love like this, and some would give everything to be loved back in similar proportions.
Was that the right thing to do, though? Was it really alright to give in to this and throw everything away?
"We'll figure it out," I managed to say, confidently, even though I had literally no idea where to turn to now.
Itachi in my arms felt good. His weight on top of me felt good. The cum inside my underwear felt good, and so did the scents that belonged to him that were now all over me. For now, if this made sense, it would have to be enough.
What would become of us? Of my beloved relationship with Naruto? What would become of my life? So many things would change if I chose Itachi.
Right now, it was easy to both panic and just want to throw caution out the window and take a leap of faith. But I knew this was just the beginning - the purest, blindest form of passion - and that the magic and the beautiful tragedy would fade soon to give place to hard, cold reality.
I didn't know what to do, either. But we couldn't just sit by and wait for a miracle to happen.
TBC…
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