Chapter 16: Bittersweet holidays


She unbuttoned his shirt with clumsy fingers, once the shirt was completely open she run her hands over his bare chest, causing that his breathing became more agitated.

Harvey raised his face to kiss her. She felt his lips descend down her neck and his hands sliding beneath her blouse.

Sabrina took his head in her hands to kiss him again, but when she looked at him it wasn't Harvey's eyes what she saw.

She saw a pair of dark eyes and she knew who they belong to.

Nick.

She got off of Harvey's lap fast, as if he were a burning iron. She couldn't… She couldn't do it. Not when she had him in her mind.

"Sabrina?" Harvey asked worried.

She began to rearrange her clothes with nervous moves. Harvey looked at her confused while trying to close his shirt.

Sabrina had thought she was ready but she was wrong.

"What's wrong, Sabrina?" he insisted when she didn't answer him.

"I can't... I can't" she murmured, he made the gesture of standing up from his bed and go to her but she stopped him with a gesture of her hand "No, I... I'm better off. I just need to be alone… I'm sorry, Harvey"

"'Brina!" she heard him calling her as she closed the door. He was confused, one moment they were kissing and the next she was running away from him as if he was the plague.

Harvey run a hand through his hair, he didn't understand what was happening with Sabrina. She was different and he was sure it was more than just the hair and the clothes. He needed to know what it was.

Sabrina left Harvey's house with hurried steps, she looked back constantly to be sure he wasn't following her, she only slowed her pace when was in the safety of the woods, the afternoon was cold but she didn't care, she didn't feel the cold, didn't feel anything but shame.

She was so immersed in her own thoughts to worry about something so irrelevant as the weather.

Nick.

She couldn't take him out of her mind, she couldn't forget the way his lips moved over hers or how warm his hands were against her skin. She suppressed a groan, she needed to stop thinking about him but couldn't. He had been in her thoughts the entire week. Sabrina had thought that if she and Harvey became more intimate she would forget about Nick and what had happened between them but she was wrong.

Having sex with Harvey only to try to forget Nick wasn't right. Especially when everything she could see when she closed her eyes was Nick looking at her intensely.

Sabrina let out a shaky breath. She wanted to cry.

She was so confused, so ashamed. If she only could stop thinking about him, but she was unable to do so, she thought about Nick in every moment. In his smile, in the way he looked at her, in how he had made her surname sound like an affectionate pet name. She didn't want to think about him but couldn't stop doing it.

"What I'm going to do?" she asked to the air even when knew she wasn't going to get an answer to her question.

She resumed her walk in direction to her home. She knew those woods as the palm of her hand, she had spent long hours playing around with her friends or collecting herbs with aunt Hilda. The woods were full of good memories and she tried to focus in them. Minutes later she saw the dark shape of her house in the distance, she rushed her pace.

When she arrived she had the same unanswered questions she had when she had left Harvey's house.

She needed to do something but… what?

"You're home early, Sabrina" aunt Hilda said as greeting when her niece entered the kitchen. She looked at Sabrina's face, she could tell something had happened to her, Hilda's face filled up with worry "Something's wrong, love?"

Sabrina let out a trembling breath before shaking her head. Hilda went to her side and gave her a brief hug because she looked like she needed one. She leaned against her aunt.

She was glad to be at home.

"Talk to auntie Hilda, love" she said to her with soft voice.

Hilda separated from her and made a gesture to her to take a sit and sat next to her.

Sabrina had her eyes cast down. Should she tell her aunt what was happening? She had talked with Ambrose about it but her cousin had a very particular view of the world. Aunt Hilda was different. She probably could give her a more appropriate advice. But she didn't know how her aunt was going to react at what she had to said to her.

"Auntie… I did something bad. Something wrong"

Hilda nodded understanding, she patted Sabrina's hand as a way to give her comfort and encourage her to talk.

Sabrina sighed, she closed her eyes for an instant.

"There is someone… do you remember Ambrose's friend? The one who helped when I moved to College" her aunt looked at her confused but nodded, she remembered the boy "Well, he and I… we sort of hang out together a lot lately, he was helping me with calculus"

"Sabrina?" Hilda asked when she went suddenly silent.

Her niece sighed again.

"I know is wrong but… he and I… or better said I" she was rambling "I… kissed him"

Sabrina kept her eyes on the kitchen table, she felt her cheeks redden and was unable to look at her aunt, afraid of what she could see in her face.

"Sabrina, love?" her aunt asked "Look at me"

When she looked up at her aunt she didn't saw reproach as she had expected. In her aunt's face there was only surprise and a bit of understanding too.

"Do you like this boy, Sabrina?" it was all her aunt asked, she still had her hand over hers, Hilda squeezed hers a bit in a comforting way.

"I don't know. I'm so confused, auntie"

Hilda just nodded and said nothing. Sabrina kept thinking about her aunt's question, about what she really felt.

"I think I like him" she said softly after some minutes of silence.

Saying it aloud was like taking a weight off herself. She had told the truth to her aunt, she couldn't continue denying what she really felt.

She really liked Nick.

"Well, that was a bit… unexpected"

"But it's not right, auntie. I feel so guilty, Harvey doesn't deserve what I did to him, I cheated on him… and he had no idea of what I did"

"But this other boy… How was his name?"

"Nick"

"Nick" her aunt said "Does he like you?"

Sabrina nodded, her eyes were bright and she could feel tears burning behind her eyelids. She didn't want to cry so she tried to keep the tears at bay.

"But you still love Harvey, right?"

She nodded again because it was true, she loved Harvey but she also felt something for Nick, something she still wasn't able to name.

Or better said, something she was terrified of naming.

"I'm so confused" she almost whimpered.

Hilda didn't know very well what to say so she simply did what she did best.

"Do you want a cup of tea, my love?" she offered. Sabrina nodded, she could tell her aunt was making an effort to understand what was happening to her.

Hilda got up and went to prepare some tea for them, she certainly could use a cup too after that conversation. She needed time to process what her niece had just told her. While she was starting the kettle she thought. She had always liked Harvey, he was such a sweet boy and Sabrina seemed happy with him. But she also knew they were still too young and things could change, people change.

Above all she would always support Sabrina and her decisions and if she thought it was time for her to move on from her first love, she was going to be there for her.

But right now what Sabrina needed was her advice and she wasn't sure what to say to her. They stayed in silence while Hilda continue preparing the tea, once it was ready she handed Sabrina a cup.

"Thank you, auntie"

Hilda nodded before she took a sit at her niece side, her own cup of tea was in front of her.

"I want you to know something, my love" Hilda said after taking a sip of her tea to encourage herself "I'm with you. I'll always be on your side whatever you decide to do, but I cannot tell you what to do, you are the only one who knows what your heart really wants"

"If only I knew…"

Hilda took her hand on hers.

"I think you do, but right now you're just confused… maybe you need to take some time for yourself, to think about what you are feeling"

Sabrina gave her aunt a small smile.

"Thank you, auntie"

"I'll always be here for you, love. Don't forget that"

Sabrina nodded and was about to say something when someone knocked on the front door.

"I'm going" Sabrina told her aunt as she stood up.

She shouldn't have been surprised to find Harvey on the other side of the door but she still was.

"Sabrina"

"Harvey" she still had the door half open "What are you doing here?"

He seemed a bit uncomfortable, he didn't look her in the eye.

"We need to talk" he said "About what happened"

She nodded. She wasn't prepared to talk about what had happened but it would be rude to tell him so. She went out and closed the door behind her, she didn't want that someone heard them by accident. Sabrina walked to the porch railing and Harvey followed her. Neither of them said anything for a moment and just looked around. He cleared his throat.

"Are you ok?" he asked her after what seemed like hours "You left so…"

"I'm fine" she interrupted him "I just… I don't feel ready to… you know"

He nodded understanding.

"We don't need to hurry, 'Brina" he told her, Harvey searched for the hand she had on the railing but she sneaked it from him. He looked at her in bewilderment.

"'Brina, what's wrong?"

She sighed with her eyes closed. She had made a decision and it was a hard one. When she opened her eyes she was unable to look at her boyfriend.

"Sabrina?" he insisted. She let out a shaky breath.

"I'm confused, Harvey" she admitted.

"Confused? About what?"

"About… us" she told him. Harvey looked even more confused.

"What's going on, Sabrina?" he demanded, he raised his voice a bit and she didn't like it, he was angry and that was so alike the Harvey she knew "Are you trying to break up with me? It's that so?"

"What? No, no, Harvey" she hurried to say "What I'm trying to tell you... is that there's a lot going on with the College and everything. I feel so confused and I don't know if..." she felt silent for some seconds "I need time, Harvey. That's all. I need to think..."

"Think about what?"

"I don't know, Harvey. There is a lot going on… I need time to think" she insisted "I need time for my own"

Sabrina had tears in her eyes but refused to cry. Harvey looked hurt.

"You're changed, Sabrina. I didn't say anything, but now I see it... the hair, the lipstick, I thought it was just that but something else happens to you. What's happening Sabrina?" Harvey insisted.

"Harvey..." said her with pleading voice "I need time, that's all"

"There is someone else, right?" Sabrina felt her blood freeze in her veins, her face paled "There is someone else" he affirmed.

"No, no, Harvey" she said to him but knew she was lying. She tried to took his arm but it was him who shunned her this time.

"I better go. We will talk when you have things more… clear. I won't bother you with my presence anymore"

"Harvey!" Sabrina said with pleading voice but he didn't listen her. He was already going down the stairs "What have I done?" she whispered to herself. She sat in the first step of the stairs and leaned her forehead against her knees "What have I done?"

She ignored the cold and stayed outside for some time thinking about everything that had happened.

"Sabrina, love, what are you doing here?"

She lifted her head and turned around, she didn't say anything and just looked at her aunt.

"I said Harvey that I'm confuse… that I need time. But it seems he didn't take it well"

Hilda nodded but didn't say anything and Sabrina was glad, she wasn't in the mood to talk about what just happened.

"I'm going to my room" she announced before entering to the house.

Sabrina climbed the stairs with hurried steps and didn't stop until she reached her bedroom, she closed the door and leaned against it.

She should have gone after Harvey but still had doubts.

She needed time.

Harvey's attitude hurt her but she knew he was right… there was someone else. But it hurt her to hear him saying it. It made everything more real. And it made her feel so bad.

She needed to see if being apart from Harvey and Nick would help her to clean her mind. She needed to know what she would do.

Would she stay with Harvey? Or would she risk her heart for Nick?

Sabrina left her spot by the door and went to her bed. She laid down with her eyes closed. The day had been exhausting and it wasn't even dinner time.

When her life had become so complicated?


Days later, on Christmas morning, Sabrina sat at her bed with a present in her hands. All the cheerfulness she felt during the breakfast with her family gone. She looked at the present in her hands, it was for Harvey, but she couldn't give it to him because he didn't want to talk to her.

Or see her.

She let out a sigh. Things hadn't been easy to her and she wasn't enjoying her time in Greendale as she thought she would. Hanging out with her friends wasn't the same without Harvey and she knew Theo and Roz were uncomfortable with the situation too, the four have been friends for years and neither of them wanted to take parts.

Sabrina wasn't in the best of the moods with everything that was happening and she couldn't hide it. Her aunts noticed, Ambrose noticed too. She had been glad when her cousin finally arrived to town, they had talked for hours, she had told him everything and Ambrose had listened to her and comforted her when she was unable to contain the tears.

But days later, she was still confused. She was afraid of making a decision and she didn't like the feeling. She wasn't a coward but in the last time she had been acting like one.

It wasn't easy.

No matter what she decided to do, she didn't like to be in bad terms with Harvey, before he was her boyfriend he was a friend and she was afraid that if their relationship was beyond repair she would lose him as a friend too.

But she wasn't sure if wanted to be back with him. She didn't think she could be with Harvey again if she couldn't forget Nick.

"What I am going to do?" she asked to the air.

She had thought Harvey was the one but now she wasn't so sure. She loved him but wasn't sure of what she was feeling for Nick. She couldn't say she loved him, it was too soon, but she still knew that felt something strong for him.

Harvey was the safe option. Nick, the risky one.

Was it right to overboard a long-term relationship for something she wasn't even sure about it?

But she couldn't forget the way he had kissed her… It was etched in her memory.

Was it sensible to risk everything for a kiss?

She couldn't stop repeating that question over and over again. She looked the gift in her hands and let out another sigh. Ambrose had told her to listen to her heart, but her heart was too confused to take a decision right now.

She knew what to expect from Harvey, but... from Nick? Nothing was certain with him, they barely knew each other. Yes, they got along well, she liked being with him but could not forget how heated their arguments could be or what was said about him in the halls of the College.

Could a man like that commit to something? She wasn't sure, but she wasn't sure of the rumors either. They were just rumors after all, but they still exist. And even if she wanted she couldn't ignore them.

Above all, Sabrina was afraid.

Afraid of making the wrong decision.

She looked at her parents' photo in her bedside table, she never traveled without it because she needed to feel them close to her always. She thought that maybe everything would be easier if she had her mother to talk about things like this, surely she could advise her. She tried to think about what her mother would say in a situation like this but was unable to do so.

Someone knocked on her door interrupting her thoughts.

"Come in" she replied. The door opened and Hilda entered, on her face there was an apologetic expression "Aunt Hilda?"

She said nothing and walked to where her niece was and sat beside her on the bed.

"Aunt Hilda, is something wrong?" Sabrina insisted, worried.

Her aunt sighed sadly.

"Sabrina, Harvey..."

"Something happen to Harvey?" Sabrina interrupted her alarmed, Hilda shook her head.

"Harvey is fine, who isn't is his father"

Her niece looked at her confused.

"What happened?"

"He got into a fight in a bar in Riverdale and he's in the hospital now, but he is not well"

"Oh no" she exclaimed "Harvey... I need to see him"

"Do you think it's right, love?"

Sabrina nodded. She was sure that Harvey needed her and so she let her aunt know.

"I need to go see him, aunt, do you think Aunt Zelda could take me to Riverdale?" she asked "Wait, of course not. Ambrose, he will help me"

"Love, calm down," her aunt said, she put her hands on her niece's shoulders. Sabrina nodded but Hilda could still feel the nervous energy in her "I will ask Ambrose if he can accompany you, I doubt we are going to use the car today anyway. While you wait you could call Theo and Roz to let them know, I'm sure they also want to accompany Harvey in this moment"

She nodded again before her aunt left the room. She dressed quickly and then called Theo and Roz to tell them what was happening. The friends decided to go together to see Harvey.

Sabrina hadn't made a decision yet but she only knew one thing, Harvey needed her and she was going to be there for him. No matter what.

Once they arrived at the hospital it was not difficult to find him, he was leaning on one of the pillars of the emergency entrance, in the distance she could see his sad face. Sabrina felt almost physical pain when she saw him so dejected. She got out of the car the second Ambrose stopped and walked towards him with hurried steps, Harvey looked up when he heard someone coming to him, she had never seen his eyes so sad.

Sabrina hugged him and after a brief moment of hesitation he returned the hug.

"I'm so sorry, Harvey" she whispered "I'm so sorry"

She wasn't just talking about the situation of his father, she was also talking about what had happened between them. And he knew it.

"I'm sorry too, 'Brina"

She pulled away from him, she gave him a sad smile before stroking his cheek and he leaned towards her touch. Harvey opened his mouth to speak but then Theo and Roz arrived, both smiled slightly when they saw that Harvey and Sabrina seemed to be on good terms again.

"How is your father?" Roz asked.

He shrugged.

"He is not very well" he replied "He is still in surgery"

Sabrina, who was next to him with her hand entwined with his, gave him a gentle squeeze.

"Have you eaten anything?" she asked, Harvey denied.

"I'm not hungry"

"Harvey..."

"I'm fine, Sabrina. You better get back, you don't need to stay here, guys"

The friends looked at each other.

"We'll stay," said Theo. Sabrina and Roz nodded in agreement with him.

"Thank you guys" Harvey would never admit it but he really wanted them to stay. He didn't want to be alone, not anymore.

Sabrina went to tell her cousin that she and her friends would stay with Harvey and that she would call him to go for them later. Then, she met with the others at the entrance and together headed inside the hospital. In the waiting room they met Harvey's brother, Tommy, his face told them that he had received some bad news.

"What happened, Tommy?" Harvey asked.

"Dad got out of surgery" he replied "But doctors are not very optimistic"

Sabrina stroked Harvey's arm when she saw the first tear fall from his eyes.

She didn't leave Harvey's side in the following days.

Against all odds Mr. Kinkle survived, but the doctors were not sure that he could walk again, the damage to his spinal cord was too severe. He had also a broken arm and now depended of his sons to take care of himself. And he wasn't dealing with this very well.

The afternoon before Sabrina returned to College, she and Harvey were sitting in the hospital waiting room. They were holding hands in silence. Harvey cleared his throat and she looked at him.

"I'm not going back, Sabrina" he said, she looked at him confused.

"What?"

"I'm not going back to school" he explained "I'm going to stay here, Tommy will need help with dad and there is also the mine to think about…"

"But are you sure, Harvey? Going to Art School had always been your dream"

"I know but, Sabrina, my family needs me" Harvey told her "my dreams can wait. But my family no"

Sabrina nodded. She didn't say anything else and just leaned her head against his shoulder. She knew that Harvey had already made a decision. A really hard one.

And maybe it was time for her to do it too.

That night, while she was packing her belongings, she couldn't stop thinking about how everything had changed so much in just a month.