Crescentia's Story
I do not own Sailor Moon or any of the characters from the Mange Series or anime…but I do own this storyline, any other characters outside of the original works of the Sailor Moon franchise, and any other fictional environment outside of the original Sailor Moon.
Chapter 17 – Hindsight
The sun's warmth felt so good on her skin even in the chilly early evening November day. Winter was just right around the corner. Fall was passing away. The trees were losing their foliage in preparation for the death of the world. Snow will soon blanket the world in white cold skin, sucking all the warmth of the world into a black hole that even the sun's shiny rays will bemoan and cry for a time before they can rebirth the world anew.
Winter was not her favorite season and thoughts of its inevitable arrival threatened to sour the peaceful early evening meal she was sharing with the most perfect man she'd ever met. He saw her gaze, far gone beyond the moment. He reached out and pressed the skin of her cheeks in between two fingers, stretching it from her mouth to gain her attention.
He grinned at her incredulous expression.
"You were far too gone. I don't like you not paying attention to my handsome face," he said playfully, letting go of her cheeks which promptly turned bright red.
"I…" she stumbled.
"Yes?" he asked, a secret smile on his lips.
She looked up at him from under her lashes, his playfulness fled to give way to an aching hunger that was all too constant. One look from her and he was a goner. How was he going to keep his sanity with her big blue eyes touching his soul every time she looked up at him?!
He groaned out loud.
She looked at him, perplexed. Had she done something? He looked at her, exasperation and a plea for help clearly written on his face. She didn't know why but his pathetic face caused a giggle to rise from her belly and before she knew it, she was giggling at him.
He placed an elbow on the table in front of them covered with food and placed his check on his open palm, sulking.
"Eat before you get me in trouble," he said.
She nodded with a smile and dug into the array of delicious foods in front of her. She wasn't sure what to eat at first but she tried a piece of everything. Soup, rice, roasted vegetables, seasoned tofu, and a cup of warm chai tea. They tasted delicious and she was more than happy to consume everything she could.
As she ate, he watched her, saw her delight in every bite and his groin got harder, his imaginations taking her mouth, lips, and teeth onto parts of his anatomy that seriously needed some TLC.
But more than anything, he was just glad to see her eat happily. It had been a long emotionally draining day for both of them. And she'd gone hungry since waking up early that morning. He needed to take better care of her. He promised himself he'd do better.
"What did you do after I fell asleep?" she asked as the sun began to set over the horizon.
"Grilled my sisters about what they are doing here," he replied, smiling adoringly at her.
"Oh, you don't want them here?" she asked, looking confused.
"Nope!" he said with a wide grin. She raised a brow at him. Clearly a few screws had come undone.
"But I thought you were happy to see them."
"I am."
"But then why…."
"I've gotten used to having you to myself," he replied truthfully. She blushed.
"I'm still here," she said, blushing.
"Yes, so is my perverted sister," he said with a scowl. Serena blinked, then she remembered the woman who'd climbed into bed with her. Her blush deepened.
"How dare she try to touch what is mine! Your breasts are mine alone!" He continued, watching just how much redder she could get. She slipped under the table to hide and he laughed loudly, amused at her innocence. She poked her head back up when his laughter turned into soft chuckles.
"Come up here Love, I am just teasing you." She made an adorably sour face and slowly rose to sit in her chair again. He held in check more chuckles. When she settled, he took her hands from across the table, his loving gaze causing her heart to skip several beats.
"On behalf of my sister, I sincerely apologize. I will talk to her to not do that to you again. But in all honesty, I think you may have to put a stop to it yourself. Xander hardly listens to anyone." Raizen said sheepishly.
Serena just stared at him with wide eyes.
He shook his head a little with a rueful smile.
"Xander is bisexual, I think. Though she vehemently denies it." He said by way of explanation. Serena just raised a brow and he grinned at her.
"Xander has an unusual interest in women's breasts. It took me a while to get used to it myself when my sisters first found me. She'd go around touching and playing with all their boobs. I wondered why they just let her. When I asked, I learned that this is normal for her and at some point in their lives, they stopped fighting her whenever she'd come to grab their boobs. It was a losing battle on their part, she can be very persistent. But she is respectful which is odd to say considering her persistent nature. And since she wasn't necessarily doing anything other than just playing with their boobs, they didn't really mind. If it truly bothered them, she would have stopped. According to them, it actually feels good." Serena's incredulous look made him laugh as he held up his hands in a gesture that said, I am just telling you what I was told. I am just the messenger, don't shot me.
"So once they were past the weirdness of it, the act itself didn't bother them. As Maxine always says, someone is going to play with them, might as well be her." Serna's jaw just dropped. She couldn't understand the logic and in the back of her mind, she wondered if she could keep up with such...progressive... thinking sisters.
"I also understand that she reserves her perversion for people she likes, not all women but she claims to love women and men equally. She's never been in a relationship with a woman to my knowledge, but apparently women's breasts just make her happy and um...yeah...horny." Now it was his turn to go bright red.
"Let me get this straight. So she may or may not have an interest in females beyond just enjoying the feel of their breasts?" Serena asked, trying to wrap her brain around the idea.
"Yea. She loves men and has dated plenty of them. But from what I gathered from my sisters, for some reason, her arousal is tied into women's breasts. Even mere pictures of women's breasts can get her aroused more than showing her a man's penis. But she's not interested in relationships with women, maybe."
"What do you mean maybe?" Serena asked.
"Honestly, I think all my sisters are a bit bisexual. They are all so weird. They don't see a fundamental difference between men and women except one has a penis and one has a vagina. They are not at all bothered by nudity. Modesty is a concept that makes absolutely no sense to them. I had to beg them not to walk around naked around me when I started living with them." he said, shaking his head in puzzlement. Clearly he's wrestled with the idea and came to no greater understanding.
Serena's eyes just widened with each word he said. She'd never met people obviously so free with themselves. She blushed at the idea of seeing them naked, especially Maeve with her big breasts. She blushed even more at the erotic picture in her head, causing
Raizen to narrow his eyes at her.
"What are you thinking about?" he asked suspiciously. She just blushed more.
He rolled his eyes.
"Don't let them corrupt you please. They may be my sisters but I do not want to share you. Xander won't do more than grab your boobs, but if it makes you uncomfortable, tell her you don't like it and she will stop...I think." He said, looking at her hopelessly. He was so adorable she just laughed.
"I will just think of it as a disease she has and not let it bother me too much," she said to him so he wouldn't worry. She wasn't really sure how she felt about this whole thing but she knew she wasn't repulsed by the idea. Which was interesting in of itself. And for now, that was good enough. Perhaps she won't feel as weirded out once she gets to know the sisters more.
"But if she or they were bisexual, would it bother you? I mean if they were into women rather than men or into both genders." She asked, thinking of Amara and Michelle, the only lesbian couple she's ever truly known.
He just smiled at her.
"No Baby-girl, it wouldn't bother me in the slightest. There's no crime in loving and the heart loves what it loves. I am a very simple guy beloved. I like certainties. I know it's not always good and evil, gray areas surely exist. What I struggle with are lukewarm responses. Let your yes be your yes and no be no. You either like it or you don't. That's why I find my sisters frustrating at times with their sexuality preferences. If they like men, then ok, they like men. If they like women, then ok, they like women. If they like both sexes, then ok, they like both men and women. If they are into Beastiality, it's not ok but it's ok you know? I just don't like having to guess and question and they never give a straight answer." he said, rolling his eyes to Serena's amusement.
"There are very few times in my life that I am uncertain when it comes to my own likes and dislikes, my own feelings. I can never be sure about another person, but I am nearly always sure about myself. I hate wishy-washiness." He finished.
Serena thought about it and understood. Like him, She was often fairly certain about her feelings. What she lacks is the know-how to handle it properly and so she can easily come off as wishy-washy. Also, because she always concerns herself with the feelings of everyone, it makes it hard for her to follow her heart, blaring the lines and muddling up clear cut thoughts and feelings until she can no longer recognize what she originally felt. She seriously needed to work on that.
"I can be wishy-washy sometimes," she admitted.
"That's ok. If it's you, I can forgive!" he said happily, a huge smile on his face. Serena just laughed, this man was truly kind. His playfulness was intentional, his way of putting her at ease. He wanted her to know he wouldn't hate or dislike her just because of their differences.
"I am usually pretty certain about most things. I just get caught up on not wanting to hurt others, it makes me less decisive, less assertive." She explained. He nodded in understanding.
"Most people are like that I think. They act in certain ways for the approval of others. Though I think in your case, your wishy-washiness is because of your consideration for other people, not so much as for their approval but so you wouldn't hurt them. You are a good person Serena, a really good-hearted person. Not to say I am a bad person, we just function differently. I cannot be true to others if I am not true to myself. And honestly, it's not my place or yours to carry the burdens of other people's feelings. I can't be responsible for how others feel or their perceptions. It doesn't mean that I don't think about how my actions will affect others, I just don't let their responses be the reasons for the decisions I make or the behavior I display. If I can live in my truth, people who can handle me will stick around and those who can't will not. In the end, I can only be responsible for myself. Being clear with myself, and with others helps me maintain consistency and integrity. This also creates less chaos for me. Also, it leaves fewer doubts in my head about how people feel about ME. If people like me, they like me because they SEE me, not the person I put on display to accommodate them. And if they dislike me, it's because they too see me and just dislike what and who I am. I have no interest in hiding behind a shield of "If only they can see me…''. That leaves too much room for self-destructive criticism and low self-esteem. At least, that's my opinion."
The truth of Raizen's words really hit home. She'd often shied away from asking for what she wanted. Particularly in her relationship with Darien. She'd settled on waiting on him. She knew what she wanted, but she'd hope Darien would magically understand and give it to her because she was too afraid to say what she had to say. She'd been too afraid because she'd already predicted his responses. Perhaps, in the beginning, she'd been more vocal but as time went on and he got more and more annoyed with her, calling her selfish for wanting certain things, she'd gone quiet, afraid to be a bad person. Afraid to be selfish. But that's why she'd been so lonely. Because the kind of love she needed wasn't normal. The kind of expression of love that made sense to her, that filled her with joy and happiness was a kind of love people could not understand or accept.
As the modern world increasingly subscribed to the idea of complete independence for women, some women who want more traditional roles are no longer able to express themselves. To want to be a housewife, a role that once upon a time was the only role women could play is now the only role women seem to lack the courage to say, "yes that's what I want to be." It invites criticism, insults, and the assumption that to want to be a housewife means to want to be lazy. While she didn't necessarily want to be a housewife, she also didn't want to act like she doesn't "need a man" the way most women seem to be acting nowadays. That wasn't her. She needed love, not just wanted. Love was how she functioned, without it, she was only a shell of herself. Maybe people would hate her for it, maybe people would think her weak and pathetic, but she was tired of lying to herself. Perhaps she didn't need Darien, but she did need love. The love of a man. And she was starting to become ok with being needy. At least, in that area of her life.
She stared at the man across from her and he watched her back. She knew he was curious about what was going through her head. She smiled a bit at him and he sighed, popping a spoonful of vegetables in his mouth. This man, she understood him because his way of loving her is possessively powerful, open and honest. Because he remains true to himself, he accepts his desires and shares them openly with her. She doesn't have to guess where he stands. That is what is so attractive to her about him, what called her essence to him. Because he could meet her needs where she was. Because he wanted to. Because he didn't find her strange, and he was a bit traditional himself. She was certain too that once she got to a place in her life where she needed more independence from him, he'd give it easily. He was possessive of her because that's what makes sense to her. He had understood that on an instinctual basis from the moment he met her. He saw the need in her eyes and felt it in her responses to him. Because she so desperately wants to feel needed, wanted. She was still operating out of fear and uncertainties she realized. But this man was slowly restoring her equilibrium, helping her realize her own value and worth. He was telling her that she was desirable and he wasn't going to take her for granted.
"I think I'm going to like your sisters. Xander reminds me of someone," she said, smiling at him. He returned her smile.
"They plan to stay here. The younger ones are going to be going to school with you. Even though some of them have already graduated. They are also going to open a boutique and a cafe downtown." he told her.
"Really! What kind of boutique?" she asked, her interest peaked. He shrugged his shoulders.
"Clothes I'm guessing," he said and she rolled her eyes at him. Men! He grinned.
"You said they've already graduated?" she asked.
"Alethea, Laverna, Maxine, and Raven graduated last year but they weren't interested in going to college. Now though, they say they want to graduate with you and go to whatever university you want to go to."
"Why?" she asked, surprised.
"I think they find you entertaining and that's enough of a reason for them to make irrational decisions," he said, chuckling.
"And you are happy because?" she asked, noting that he seemed way too happy.
"Because they will be around you to keep other men away!" he said and she laughed.
"I don't want anyone else," she told him. His breath caught and he wanted to kiss her so desperately but he knew if he touched her now, their 'talking' would go down the drain.
"I only want you too Baby-girl," he said. She flushed with pleasure, ducking her head to hide her smile.
"Sweetheart, I need to touch you. But I think we need to finish our earlier conversation. If I touch you right now, there will be no talking." he said, letting his gaze tell her everything he wanted to do instead of talking. Air struggled to expel itself out of her lungs. This man was turning her into a woman in perpetual heat. She wanted him just as badly as he seemed to want her.
"What...what do you want to know?" she asked hoarsely, her voice betraying her needs. His eyes darkened and he fought to keep from launching himself at her.
"Tell me about your uncle." he croaked out, lifting himself to sit on his hands so he doesn't reach for her. That question had the effect of ice-cold water. Her desire vanished and he cursed himself for not thinking clearly. Rejin Herosa was a source of pain to his beloved. It might be too soon for her to think of him without hurting so much. She lowered her head, staring at her fingers.
"Uncle...uncle Rejin was the best person I ever knew. He loved so absolutely, so completely." She began, lifting her head up to look at him, tears pulling in her eyes.
"He adored me, showered me with love and attention and lots of gifts. He was very protective of me. And I told him everything. He was the first person I shared all my childish thoughts with. He'd sit and listen to me as if he was having a serious conversation with an adult. He was my personal recording diary." she smiled watery as she recalled the many days and years she'd chatted endlessly. Now that she was thinking about it, she realized that she had been a very talkative child, at least with him. A chatterbox. He'd listen though, to every word. He was patient, unhurried no matter what. He was always smiling.
"He'd cry when I was hurt. Uncle was married and he loved his wife dearly. She couldn't seem to conceive. She begged him to divorce her so he could marry someone who could give him an heir but he refused even though he wanted children so much. Instead, he poured out all his love and attention on me, to make up for the children he couldn't have with his wife. He never ever blamed his wife. She was his favorite person." Serena said, looking up at Raizen with a little smile.
"I came second only to her and that was fine by me. He adored her, cherished her. I also love her too. Aunt Elise was the most fashionable lady I ever met. Still is. She's a fashion designer, well known long before she met my uncle. And they loved each other passionately. They were best friends. There was nothing they wouldn't do for each other. I learned what love looks like, or should look like from watching him love his wife and me." She paused, remembering how happy and warm she felt every time she spent the weekend with her uncle and aunt. Since Aunt Elise was British, they'd have tea parties along with her endless collections of dolls. They'd always made her feel like she was the most precious person to ever exist. No wonder his death destroyed her.
"Even though back then my parents loved me too and they were good people, uncle loved in a way that made more sense to me. Or more accurately, my young mind adopted his way of loving as what real love looks like. It was unconditional, selfless, and without exception. Because I spent so much time with him, sometimes people questioned if he wasn't my true biological parent. And because my hair color and the shape and color of my eyes is similar to aunt Elise, people always speculated. I look more like aunt Elise than I do my biological mother and father. That often pissed off my biological mother. She'd get angry and sometimes take it out on my aunt but my uncle would come to my aunt's defense every time. Uncle Rejin was my biological mom's younger brother. And although they were close growing up, he never allowed her or anyone to disrespect his wife. He always protected her and me, and I respected him. He was my knight in shining armor."
Raizen got a glimpse of how Serena must have been before all the trauma and hurt of life touched her. He saw the beautiful innocent girl whose uncle had gone above and beyond to protect. He understood why. Despite all she'd been through, there was still innocence in Serena. And that innocence would move the protective instincts of great men. Her uncle was a great man indeed. He hoped he would one day become like this man she loved so much.
"Uncle was always worried about me. Like I said, I was someone who saw the best in everyone, even in people others disapproved of. My uncle always worried that because of this trait of mine, I would be taken advantage of. He was always counseling me on life and I listened because well... he was my uncle and I loved him dearly. He would get really railed up when someone dares to mention me getting older and dating, or marrying someone." Serena said with a giggle, her memory full of love for the man she'd lost so painfully.
Raizen was enchanted by the smile her recollection had brought to her face. The serene and adoring look on her face for the man she saw in her mind's eye. It's safe to say that Raizen was feeling a little jealous of a dead man.
"He often said to me, 'make sure you find a man who loves you no matter what. Make sure he loves you when you are being bad just as much as he loves you when you are being good. Make sure he loves you when you are wearing a potato sack in public as much as he loves you when you are appropriately dressed in public." Serena's smile widened, frying Raizen's already devastated brain cells. The girl had a killer smile. How had her ex not succumbed to her every whim? He'd conquer the world and give it to her on a silver platter if that's what she wanted.
"Uncle and I, we were the dynamic duo, going on adventures no one except us could understand. My parents never had to pay for a babysitter because he was always there to take care of me and my younger brother when he came into the picture. When he died…" the smile vanished and in its place, a well of pain so deep appeared, Raizen teared up.
"When he died... he left an earth size hole in me. An emptiness too deep, a void too dark and endless. No matter how much love I gave and how many people I tried to stuff the hole with, nothing worked. There was no one who could love me as my uncle had, sacrifice for me as he did. Every other form of love felt mediocre, couldn't touch what had made me whole and so very happy. That probably is the reason why Darien and I didn't work out." Raizen blinked, having not expected her last words. They sat in silence for a few minutes.
"Because he couldn't love you like your uncle?" he asked gently.
"Uncle's love came without condition. It was given whether I wanted it or not, whether I deserved it or not. It came with no requirements, no prerequisites. I thought that was what love was supposed to be."
"That IS what love is Serena. Admiration, respect, trust...all these are earned but love is given freely without work. It's people that twist the emotion to their own benefits. Love is given regardless if it is returned. But love, Sweet girl, doesn't necessarily mean two people should be together." Raizen told her, her haunted eyes cutting him to the core.
"When I met Darien, I was aware that something in me was empty. I felt something was missing but I didn't know what. Like every stupid teenager, I thought that if I got a boyfriend, that emptiness would be filled. I didn't understand that the emptiness was caused by the absence of something that had existed there in the first place. I lost all the memories of my uncle when he died." Raizen's eyes widened at the revelation, shocked and confused.
"You didn't remember him?" he asked hesitantly.
"No," Serena answered simply, her gaze far away.
"How? Why?" he asked, a little hurt for this man he'd been jealous of a mere minutes ago
"The doctors said my young mind was too fragile to deal with the loss so it pushed the memories away as a measure of self-preservation." Pity and love suffused Raizen for this young woman who'd dealt with too much too early in her life. He got up and went to her, but she was lost to him in memories that were ripping holes through her all over again.
"There I stood, in my black dress, in front of his grave in the middle of the rain, my mind unable to process that my dear beloved uncle was six feet under the earth. That he would never again walk through the door of our house, calling for me, 'baby girl, sweetheart, where are you? Uncle is home!' I couldn't shut out the echos of self-blame, the ghostly fingers that told me it was my fault. My aunt's desperate wailing was like a shot of an arrow that found its mark in my broken soul. I crumbled onto his grave, lost to the darkness of silence and amnesia. When I woke up four days later, I had no memories, just distorted, disjointed visions that seemed to be missing everything. Somehow, my brain made up its own memories to fill the gaps in my mind but it could never solve the riddle of absence in my heart. What was I missing? I would wonder. What had gone away? Why did I feel so empty? I lived like this for seven years until the six-year-old girl who'd lost her beloved uncle turned thirteen, met her first boyfriend, and had her first heartbreak when he broke up with me the first time. And in the middle of that loss, the memories long lost spilled over the bank which had kept them at bay. Now there were two losses to deal with." Raizen did not hold back his tears as the scene of loss played vividly in his eyes. His poor girl. He lifted her off the chair she was sitting at and he claimed it, sitting her on his lap and folding her into his arms. She seemed oblivious to it all.
She could still remember that day her memories of her uncle had returned. She had been inside the phone booth, sliding to the floor after another painful conversation with Darien who wouldn't take her back. He didn't want anything to do with her. He'd broken up with her and no amount of begging was getting through to him. She'd huddled herself against the glass walls of the phone booth, tears streaming down her face, her heart aching so much she thought she might die. Worse of all, the pain just felt so much sharper and way too familiar. As if she'd lost someone before. Dark shadows began to play out in her mind, she'd held onto her head as if she could push it all away. It felt like one of the many youmas she'd fought was trying to break out of her mind. The shadows sharpen into focus and her first clear image was the dying face of her uncle after he was shot protecting her. The memories ripped open and ripped her apart. She'd wanted to run to Darien, beg him to hold her, to make it all go away. But he wasn't hers anymore and her friends were tired of her whining and crying about him. She had nowhere to go. So she stayed at the phone both until sleep took away the edge of the pain. But even in her sleep, her memories assaulted her. It had taken the spirit of the ancient queen of the moon and the silver crystal's power to dim and slow the flow of memories, allowing her to deal with her pain over the course of time.
But she had never dealt with the trauma and it had influenced her every decision.
She sobbed in Raizen's arms knowing it was time to face some hard truths. Facts she's been too afraid to admit to. Her relationship with Darien had soured because she'd asked too much of him. She'd asked too much from an orphan boy who'd lost everything, who hadn't really learned what love meant. She'd wanted something from someone who had no ability to give or meet her demands. It's like asking a poor man for a million dollars. He simply had no means to provide it regardless of whether or not he wanted to. And she'd given too much of herself to someone who'd never shown her that he was worthy of the gifts she'd given. She'd thought that if she gave everything, he'd see and understand and return it. She hadn't remembered her uncle's admonition to be careful because people can take advantage. She could no longer put the blame solely on Darien. Yes, he'd taken her for granted. Yes, he'd broken all his promises. Yes, he'd betrayed and used her. But she had allowed all that to happen. If she had been just a little bit stronger, if she had listened to the warnings her uncle had left her, if she had trusted that she was deserving of unconditional love, she would have handled things better from the very beginning.
In fact, she wouldn't have gotten together with Darien just because memories of their past told them they were soulmates. She'd be lying if she said she hadn't known that getting into a relationship with Darien, in the beginning, was a bad decision. She and Darien had only ever fought and insulted each other. But their past memories had awakened and they'd jump into a relationship as if they were the same people they had been a millennium ago. She'd been too stupid, a teenager following ideals instead of recognizing a mistake in the making. She could blame Darien all she wanted, but in the end, hindsight provided all the evidence she needed to understand her part in all of this.
"I did this to myself. Made too many bad choices. Too stupid to understand the choices I was making. He hurt me, but I also hurt myself." She said brokenly. Raizen held her tighter, wanting to argue but knowing it was pointless. He got up with Serena in his arms, the sun had long set, the yard was cast into shadow with the house brightly lit. He walked her into the house, giving his eavesdropping sisters a roll of his eyes at their audacity and took Serena to his room. He laid her on his bed, her body still shaking from her sobs.
He went into his adjoining bathroom and filled the jacuzzi tub with warm water and some scented soaps and bubbles. He undressed completely before going back to the room. He lifted the crying girl, slowly undressed her. She was in too much pain to notice, to care. He kissed her neck, held the naked girl to him and walked to the bathroom. For the next hour, he sat her in front of him in the jacuzzi, massaging her back and shoulders. He hummed the whole time, scooping up water intermittently to pour over her shoulders. He felt the knots in her body release. Her tears stopped. Her sobbing seized. She sat still through his administration, half-aware, half gone.
When the hour was up, he lifted her out of the water, dried both of them and wrapped a big towel around her body and her long hair. He then took her to the room next door that would be hers and sat her in the small alcove between the bedroom and the bathroom where the vanity mirror and dressing table was located. He sat her in front of the mirror, a towel wrapped around his waist and one around her chest. He gently massaged her scalp as he blow-dried her hair, humming to her all through the process. When her hair was adequately dried, he lifted her back into his room, placed one of his white dress shirts on her and carried her into bed, covering her with the blanket. He put on his own pajamas, turned off the overhead light and came to the bed. At the bedside, he snapped his fingers and a hidden light came on. It was a yellow soothing light, one meant to calm and aid in relaxation and sleep. He slipped into the bed, keeping eye contact with Serena all the while. Bringing her closer to himself and wrapping his arms around her, he hummed again, slow and soft until her eyes closed in sleep and her body softened completely. He stayed awake most of the night, staring at the woman in his arms.
'Don't become another painful memory for her.' He admonished himself. He heard his door open and close, it was a familiar way of opening and closing. Seconds later, his winged pal landed gently at the head of the bed, on Serena's pillow. Rune rubbed his beak gently against Serena's check and even in her sleep, she responded to the bird, reaching out to him. Rune walked himself into her arms, she pulled him into her chest protectively. The bird closed his eyes and the two fell asleep leaving a bemused Raizen to roll his eyes.
He sighed, knowing that there just had to be more to Rune, and to Serena in fact. She couldn't possibly be ordinary. But what did not being ordinary meant exactly?
'Thoughts for another night.' he decided.
He scooted them closer to himself, sandwiching the bird between them and throwing his leg over hers. He'd rather her chest was pressed against his, but he wouldn't win against Rune without waking her up so he sucked it up and let sleep claim him too.
The real battle for the heart of his princess would begin with the sunrise.
Saturday Night going into Sunday
It was a chilly night, the world a silent observer of the sleeping human beings. In a skyrise apartment north of the town square, a lone figure stood beyond the background of darkness, silent, brooding. To observe him as he was, he looked tranquil, still. But the eyes of keen observers could easily pick up on the radiating energy of an unnerved spirit, the subtle clenching of muscles within his palms, the unfocused rage within dark ocean eyes. The Prince of Earth was not as tranquil as he wanted to project. In fact, he was very angry. And what made him even more upset was the fact that he wasn't sure what he was angry about. His girlfriend was missing, he was having dreams and visions of his past self telling him that they would lose her, and a damn music teacher was occupying his girl's attention. Oh, he had a lot to be upset about. Something was off about that music teacher and Darien intended to find out what.
"Where the hell are you?" he whispered, looking into the night sky.
She's been missing since Monday. He'd been at the crown arcade when excited high school teenagers came buzzing in with news of supermodels coming to the school. Everyone seemed excited. Even cool collected Amy was struggling to maintain a facade of cool indifference. Mina was over the moon, which wasn't really surprising. Lita was the only one who seemed unimpressed. But the bizarre story they shared with him was costing him a good nights' rest.
"They had a polite smile on their face upon introduction. But when they turned their eyes onto Serena who was not paying attention, their polite smile changed to real interest. The taller girl, Laverna, I believe that's her name, went right up to Serena and hugged her. Serena seemed startled. It was very bizarre." Amy had said, frowning.
"And you said she disappeared right after these girls showed up in the classroom?" He had asked, feigning a disinterested voice even as a knot of unease began to fester inside of him.
"Yes, well no. She was startled to be addressed since she hadn't been paying attention but when Mr. Draganov showed up in the room and introduced the girls as his sisters, she disappeared when the class got rowdy."
"Mr. Draganov?" Darien asked, the name unfamiliar and sounding way too pretentious to him.
"Yes. Raizen Draganov, the music teacher?" Amy said, giving him an 'are you ok' look.
"No one has ever mentioned his last name." He said by way of explanation.
He'd left the arcade feeling unsettled. Serena had cut all her classes that day it seems. But then again, she'd done that before not too long ago. What was going on with her? He hadn't thought much about it until the next day when he got the report that she hadn't come to school at all.
At first, he thought that maybe Serena and this music teacher had fought, which would explain her strange behavior of leaving after the teacher came in to introduce the girls as his sisters. But he'd seen how hard the man was looking for her over the days Serena had gone missing. Someone had phoned the school to let them know that Serena had a fever but had left no information as to where Serena was and how they can be contacted. At first, he'd suspected some shenanigans, so he'd kept a close eye on Raizen but the man had taken off days from school to dedicate to find Serena. One of his so-called sisters, Darien snorted at the idea, none of them looked alike in any way shape or form and their age variation just wouldn't make sense, filled in for him. From what he'd heard and seen, they were all out every day looking for Serena. He was annoyed.
He knew why he felt annoyed but he hadn't wanted to acknowledge feeling anything in regards to Serena. He'd searched for her too as was required of him. He put in some hours so her family could see he was concerned about his 'girlfriend'. Since no one knew they'd broken up, he sure as hell hadn't told anyone and he doubted she had too. She didn't have any friends. That thought stopped him. Something in his gut clenched and the disturbing feeling he'd been having for weeks now returned. She didn't have any friends. Such a thought would never have occurred to him a couple of years ago but now, it was disturbing because it was accurate. Somehow, somewhere along the way, it seemed their roles reversed. That revelation stunned him into stillness.
'She's more like how I used to be.' on the heels of that thought was a much more telling realization. 'I am more like she used to be.'
Shaking the thought away, he chose to focus on his anger. He was still very angry with her for trying to break up with him. He absolutely refused to acknowledge that they were done. They were soulmates. She loved him, she could never love another. She would come running back to him. He believed that. He believed that….until Friday night.
Just remembering it was making his blood boil.
Even after the phone call came to tell them that Serena was recovering from a fever and would be returned home when she recovered, he hadn't stopped searching. Everyone else had. Everyone except Raizen and his sisters and himself. He'd done it secretly though, suspecting Raizen of foul play. It should have been easy to find her through their bond but….their bond….it wasn't there anymore.
He'd never had a reason to use their soul bond since the battle with Galaxia. There haven't been any new enemies, which means Serena didn't have to transform. But their bond was more than him sensing whether or not she'd changed into Sailor Moon. Their bond allowed him to feel her emotions, know where she was and vice versa. But after she shut down their bond two years ago, he hadn't been able to have access to her since.
Another reason he's been angry at her for so long.
She'd shut him out a long time ago.
Just because he hadn't had sex with her when she wanted. He'd gone to pick up their daughter and she'd left his apartment even after he'd promised he'd come back soon! He'd hardly left the garage when he felt her slam her emotions shut, effectively cutting him off.
When he saw her again which was a whole week later, she didn't run to him, didn't give him a hug like she usually would. She became distant and uninterested.
He hadn't known how to approach her. Her eyes had been cold, empty. He hadn't liked how it made him feel, the guilt that told him he'd done something wrong. So he'd chosen a different response. An angry response. He'd been sure that she would come to apologize to him, tell him she had been selfish, that he hadn't done anything wrong. But days turned to weeks, months, and before he knew it, a year and then two had passed, their relationship grew stagnant. When she'd asked him out a couple of months ago, he'd been surprised. Surprised and happy if he was willing to admit the truth.
He'd thought they'd have dinner, say quick apologies and be back where they'd left off. All lovey-dovey again. He couldn't have imagined that she would end things. That she'd tried to bury their relationship. And that she'd blame him for it. He hadn't prepared himself for her rejection, or for her hatred. He'd always thought that Serena and Rini just had personality differences. That in time, she'd love their daughter as much as he did. But that day she broke up with him, he finally understood that for Serena, her dislike of Rini wasn't casual. She hated her own daughter. Hated. Not dislike, not upset with but hated her. It had shocked him. He hadn't thought her capable of hate. But perhaps she was more human than he'd projected her to be.
He sighed now, exhaustion eroding his thought process. His mind took him back to the events of Friday night, just last night.
He remembered how tired he'd been.
Friday NIght at 11 pm
He'd spent the day and early evening searching for her. He was exhausted. Another day and evening searching for Serena had been fruitless. It was 11 pm now and he was exhausted and dehydrated and suffering a headache. He chugged down several cups of water and fell into bed. He was sound asleep in minutes. As sleep took him deeper into unconsciousness, he dreamed a dream. A dream that began with a memory.
Dream
It was a beautiful spring evening. The sun had just set but everything seemed so bright, so joyous. Butterflies danced in his stomach, nerves and excited anticipation made him almost giddy. Tonight was the night. He would join with her, sealing their fate forevermore. He couldn't wait to taste her soft skin, feel her softness underneath him as he made sweet, unhurried love to her. He looked down at the woman by his side, her golden hair lighter under the light of the moon above. She looked at him from the corner of her eye, making his heart leap. She smiled a shy smile, color blooming in her cheeks. God, she was beautiful. He could spend his whole life just looking at her. And he would. He was going to make sure of it.
At first, he'd thought it would be hard, awkward, and wrong even to see her as a sexual partner. She was only sixteen years old after all. He'd met her when she was what..thirteen….fourteen? He wasn't sure anymore. He felt he'd known her his whole life.
It wasn't that she wasn't sexy or pretty, quite the contrary. Serena was gorgeous. And he'd seen her transformed enough time that he knew her body was just perfect. Although her face seemed really young, her body was a different story. Her breasts, although not large, were not small either. All the training and fighting aliens and monsters had toned her body, placing fats where they would be appreciated. And although he was a boob kinda guy, he loved her derriere just as much. Being that the girls' sailor uniform barely covered their arses, it wasn't uncommon that they'd flash him here and there. He'd gotten used to the girls random flashes of body parts but never Serena's. Whether she was in sailor uniform or not, there was never a time in which he got a glimpse of her arse that he hadn't been affected. It was especially hard to keep his hands to himself whenever she was in his apartment crawling around on her hands and knees. Her arse would hang up in the air, her skirt lifted without her knowledge. He'd seen enough pink and white panties to make him a bonafide pervert. Yet whenever he saw her face, so young and innocent, he felt wrong for desiring her body. It became even more uncomfortable to think sexy thoughts of her after he met Neo-queen Serenity, the future version of Serena. Her future self had the face that went with the body. Older, mature, sharper angles than Serena's babyface.
He'd started to daydream of making love to the Neo-queen. Once his mind took him down that road, it became very hard to picture doing to his little innocent Serena the things he pictured doing to the Neo-queen.
But not tonight.
Tonight the one he wanted was the baby faced Serena. His girlfriend of two years. The love of his life. Tonight they would truly become one. And Rini would hopefully follow soon. The last thought settled him as he brought Serena into his apartment. She was looking exquisite in a midnight dress that hugged her figure above and flared from the waist down to rest just above her knees. The dress had a sweetheart neckline that concealed the majority of her breasts but left just the top part exposed to entice. He was dressed in his customary tuxedo, looking dashing as usual.
In the dream, he brought his princess onto a rose petal covered bed, recreating the exact replica of the night they'd spend together in each other's arms kissing, touching and making love. The dream was vivid, showing him everything he'd done with and to her. Every touch, every caress, every moan, and every tongue sucking shiver. He'd told her over and over that he loved her. And he had. That night, he'd truly loved her wholly, completely. He no longer had any doubts about their future together.
Out of Dream
In his bed, Darien found himself aroused as the dream played out in his unconscious mind. Sleep did not keep his hands from reaching out to a Serena that wasn't there. And as his body tightened and thrust into Serena's body in his dream, his sleeping body found itself repeating the movement into empty air. Darien Shields was in need of relief. He reached for himself, first taking his shaft in his hand through his clothing but it wasn't enough. Not nearly enough. Crying out, he stuck his hand underneath his pajama pants, touching the flesh that was hard and engorged and needed relief so bad his body shook with the lack thereof. He kept pleasuring himself but the relief would not come even as he climaxed in his dream. He was at the edge but he couldn't make himself go over it.
He cried out again, a sob catching in his throat. His body felt taught, like a rubber band about to break.
"Serena." he moaned out loud.
"Please," he begged
As if in response to his need, the dream that had ended with him and Serena fast asleep faded like a light show to make way for a second dream that also began with a memory.
Dream
Like the first time, he led a blushing Serena into his apartment but that's where the similarities ended. There were no roses like the first time. No candles lighting their paths. Tonight was not about making love, it was about meeting needs. As soon as they entered, he turned her around to face him. He lifted her and she wrapped her legs around his waist. He was so turned on he couldn't think properly. A week, he'd waited a whole damn week to take her again. It nearly drove him mad. He'd wanted her so desperately all week long. He took her to his bedroom. But as the familiar scene unfolded, the dreaming Darien realized that he was very much aware that he was dreaming. That he was watching his dream unfold rather than being in the dream himself. He felt uncomfortable knowing where this dream was going.
He'd never dreamt about this part of his memory before. His dreams had always been about their first time together. Whenever he craved the touch and caress of a person, whenever he craved HER touch, HER caress, he'd let his mind reminiscent about their first time together. He'd take care of his needs remembering the softness of her body, her supple lips, her intoxicating scent, the taste of her.
For two years, he'd lived on this memory. It was his favorite memory, his favorite time with her among so many good times. He never willingly thought about their second time together and its disastrous aftermath. The second time he'd taken her into his apartment hadn't gone so well. In fact, it had ended all intimacy between them. He'd left her in bed alone for a short thirty minutes and she'd decided that it was over between them. She'd left him because he'd done the responsible thing, he'd gone to pick up their daughter.
And so he watched the unfolding dream with a stomach full of nausea, a heart full of dread. If he had never left that day, if he'd listened to her and not left her in the state she was in, where would they be together today? He closed his eyes to his dream but he could not escape. He tried to force himself to wake up but it was no use. Closing his eyes didn't keep him from seeing what was happening. So he opened his eyes and watched with his heart in his throat as they argued, as she tried to reason with him not to leave her. He watched as himself from two years ago made the choice to leave. He watched as the door closed behind him, he watched as she pulled her legs into her stomach, a small little thing, crying. Without meaning to, tears fell down his own face, understanding for the first time what it must have felt like for her. He felt three little words rise up in his throat but they never escaped his mouth. Just like he never said "I am sorry" to her two years ago when he should have.
So he watched her lying there on his bed, crying, broken.
Then the room caught on fire.
Darien's eyes widened as roaring flames rose out of nowhere. He screamed, panicked that the crying Serena would be burned into a crisp. Her head was buried in the pillow. She didn't seem to notice anything. He screamed her name but there was no response. She stayed as she was. He tried to run to her but he couldn't move, his feet felt cemented to the floor. The flames roared up like a live beast and descended on Serena. He screamed, tears pouring down his face. He screamed as the fire enveloped her. He screamed as he saw her skin burning, consumed by fire.
"Please!" he screamed to no one.
Then out of the flames appeared a pair of piercing eyes. He couldn't tell what he was looking at because the flames blared whatever was grinning madly at him.
"She's mine!" a voice darker than death echoed.
"She is MINE."
Darien jumped awake, sweat and tears pouring from him. His heart beat so loudly, it took a minute for him to realize, he was sobbing. It took a very long ten minutes before he could get himself under control enough to realize it was all a dream.
"She is MINE." The voice echoed in his head again.
He shivered, wrapping his arms around his shoulders as if to keep off a chill. His breathing was normal now but he couldn't help but feel like something was lodged in his gut.
"It's a dream. It's just a dream."
But then why did it feel so real? Why did it feel like the dreams he'd received from his future self nearly four years ago? Was this dream from his future self? From Neo-King Endymion?
He ran his hands through his hair and looked up when he felt a gust of cold wind.
'I closed the window.' he thought with apprehension. He made to move but stopped in surprise. Sitting at the foot of his bed, looking out into the moonlight was a very familiar figure. His bronze skin was pale, or maybe that was just the moonlight on his skin. He wore black armor but no helmet. A sword was strapped to his side in a black and blue ornamented scabbard. He sat still, a lonely figure in the moonlight.
"Endymion." Darien breathed, not sure if he was still dreaming.
The ghostly figure turned its midnight blue eyes on him. The storm in those midnight orbs took Darien back. The ghostly visitor looked like was drowning. Then he smiled a small broken smile, pain, and sadness evident in his whole being.
"We are going to lose her."
That had been yesterday.
Before he could question the ghostly spirit further, it disappeared. He hadn't been able to go back to sleep until the sun rose Saturday morning. He took a short little nap, tired from being up all night riddled with anxiety. But when he woke up around mid-afternoon, Endymion's apparition was back in the same place he had been the night before. But this time, he was bathed in the light of the sun, his hair highlighted a deep shade of blue that contrasted quite nicely with his tanned skin and handsome features. With the same smile and with the same eerieness pronounced,
"We are going to lose her."
Then just like he'd done in the middle of the night, the spirit vanished.
The dread that began the previous night stayed with him all through the rest of Saturday, making him unable to do anything. He'd turned down an invitation from the girls to hang out. Told Rini not to come over, and missed out on the study session he and his classmates were supposed to have. He'd sat in his chair, in the living room, his mind festering on what the phantom of Endymion had said to him.
"We are going to lose her."
The 'her' was easy to identify. The spirit of Endymion only ever bothers with Serena.
As darkness descended once again blanketed the earth, Darien Mamoru Shields, Prince of earth, was too petrified, too terrified to go to sleep. So instead, he relapsed into a family defensive mechanism. Anger. It was easier to be angry than to accept fear.
"Where are you?" he asked the silent night, wanting so desperately to see Serena, to touch her, hold her, see her skin intact, and know that this was just a horrible dream, visions born of fear. It couldn't be true. How could one lose their soulmate after finding them?
Crystal Tokyo was their promised future! Their happily ever after.
'Don't listen to these dreams like you did the first time you broke up with her. We will be fine.' he thought to himself even as doubts festered and grew in his mind.
He closed the window and pulled down the curtain. He was very tired and sleep was knocking at the door of his mind but he had no intention of giving in to it. He was going to stay awake, he refused to let dreams once again tear them apart.
He turned and came to an abrupt stop.
Standing in the darkness outlined by an unknown light, the armored apparition of Endymion regarded him with sorrowful eyes.
When he opened his mouth to speak, Darien covered his ears to try and block out his words but it was no use. Endymion's words penetrated the barrier of his hands to utter the devastating words he didn't want to hear.
"We are going to lose her."
Thank you, everyone, for your reviews. I really appreciate them. I've been very motivated by them so here you go! Please keep reviewing, we will definitely finish this story!
Guys, when it comes to trauma, please be sensitive and supportive of people struggling. Trauma is not an easy thing to overcome. One minute you think you're ok, everything is ok. Then the next it's like all your efforts have been undone. People see you as being flaky, or weak, tor pathetic, they have no idea what trauma can do to a person. As a person with a traumatic experience myself, I am using my stories as a platform to bring awareness so we can have compassion and empathy for people.
If you've suffered because of the trauma of your past or present, just know that we understand. I STAND WITH YOU.
I know how hard it is. Keep going. You've done amazing coming this far. YOU are strong, YOU are important, YOU are worthy, YOU are loved and I AM PROUD of YOU!
