Disclaimer: I do not own The Book Thief.
Please note, The narrator, Death, writes in bold.
***UPDATE 2/24/20: Yes! DOne! With this chap :'''') Happy tears. It's hard for me to get into Viktor's character. I relate a lot more to Liesel. If anyone is interested, I based my characters' personalities on a manga called Hot Gimmick by Miki Aihara. Liesel is based on Hatsumi, Viktor on Ryoki, Rudy on Azusa and Bettina is an evil mix of Shinogue and Akane (yes Shinogue has a sister complex, same way Bettina has a brother complex.)
***UPDATE 2/22/20! Added more still not completed! I also added a secret about Viktor in chapter 14(; go back and read if interested. I usually always go back and add stuff to older chapters when I'm constantly editing (my mess of proper verb tenses/typos/punctuation fails.) Happy digging! Got out of work at 4am and woke up at 8am (My bf gets ready for work too loudly!) Also I was able to finish essay for my issues in contemporary art class! Not the greatest but whatever better late than never :')
***A/N 2/20/20: This is not completed! Just uploaded what I have. It's like midnight and I still have to do a 3 page essay ahhh. It's like 3 days late already lol RIP
A/N #2: PLEASE NOTE IN THIS FIC: LIESEL IS NOW 16, BETTINA IS 14, VIKTOR IS 18 AND RUDY IS 16 YEARS OLD!
Chapter 16: Cockroach
"There's this bat that I keep behind this building when I need to blow off some steam." Viktor broods internally. My mother doesn't want things like this in the house. Things that are me. Liesel looks up at him with those big doe dopey eyes of hers. Doe eyes. Dopey eyes. Whatever, same thing. Still cute. "Why do you hide it back there?" Viktor walks on ahead of her. "No reason." He rounds the corner and lifts up some left over plywood. Probably what Frau Diller was planning to board the windows with so the bombs wouldn't shatter them. Her window's weren't boarded yet because there weren't any men left to help her do it. His mother had asked him to do it last week and he told her he was going to do it today. Like Holle, he'd listen to her. If his mother asked him to fix something, you'd better fucking believe he'd be breaking that shit. Fuck that bitch.
It was a wooden bat with nails jutting out of it. Definitely not the kind of bat for baseball. But the kind for fucking up things... or people. Unfortunately, Steiner had left before he had gotten the chance to beaten him to a bloody pulp. He better had not had raped Liesel. Viktor had just barely contained his rage a few moments ago, when Liesel was crying in front of him. He was this close to blacking out completely. And he had only been that angry maybe twice in his life before. It was why he had been expelled from the private school he was in. And because he didn't graduate he had to move to this shit hole a few years back when he was 16. Or at least former shit hole since Liesel beautified everything she came in contact with. Repurposed shit hole.
"What if someone sees us? What are we going to do if we get caught?" Liesel asks.
"Absolutely nothing."
"Excuse me? So if we get caught were just going to stand here and do nothing. That's not going to work." Her voice sounded really irritated. That sounded more like it. He preferred her angry, "you're a fucking moron" voice over her sad voice any day. It was getting a little tiring having to explain everything to her all the time. She really was dense when it came to a lot of things. Especially his feelings about her. It didn't matter anyway. She doesn't want to be touched by anyone for who knows how fucking long now because of whatever Rudy's bitch ass had done to her. Viktor could feel his blood boil. Calm down. He cleared his throat, trying to swallow his rage. "If anyone sees us, we're just going to say someone else did it, duh."
"With a bat in one of our hands?" The irritation turned into her nasty voice. He felt like a bug whenever she used that voice on him. Like a pathetic little cockroach. "Hey, don't be such a bitch." Viktor tries to sound nonchalant that he was in fact doing her a favor. "I'm doing you a favor right now. Even with a bat in your hand, no one is going to believe that you broke anything if I say you didn't. Understand?" Realization finally dawns on her face. She mutters "arrogant bastard" under her breath. He pretends he didn't hear that. Besides, that's not what it really was.
***WHAT IT REALLY WAS***
He wasn't being arrogant. They wouldn't believe him, but what they would do was fear him.
That's why they would leave him alone. They all did.
They walk back to the front of the "shop." Viktor leads the way walking in front doing mock swings as if he were a baseball player. He used to really be into sports when he was in high school. Key word: was. Past tense. Back to the present, Liesel is wary of the bat. She was probably thinking why he had such a thing. He felt weird that he cared what she thought about him. Did she think he was scary? Did she hate him? She probably did. He is usually an arsch to her. But it was all an act anyway. He just really didn't know how to express affection. He had never received any before. Viktor suddenly comes to a halt in front of the windows. The sign on the front said "LIDL DILLER" with a message. Wir sind auf unbestimmte zeit geschlossen. Heil Hitler!
***GERMAN NOTE***
We are closed indefinately. Heil Hitler!"
"Alright you can go first." Viktor hands her the bat. Liesel goes wide eyed. "Me?" She asks incredulously. "I don't know how to use something like this." Viktor face palms. "You just break the window." It was easy to break things. Like his family. The first time something breaks, makes it easier to break even more into smaller bits. Until there was nothing left. Or so he hoped. How many times can his heart be broken when it was already in shambles? Liesel stands unmoveable. Viktor once again sighs. The audacity of being so innocent. Usually, her innocence amused him, but this time it was just too much. He takes it from her, drawing a flinch from her. It made him feel bad about himself again. It's not like he was going to pummel her with the thing. Why so jumpy? Nonetheless, he made sure to put a few more meters between them. He drew a breath and thought of what angered him the most. His mother. Zeroing in on his hatred of her, the wooden bat smashing against glass. The sound of shattering glass was like an afterthought compared to his rage. He still wanted to break something. His father who wasn't there. He swings with all of his might. There is a sickeningly satisfying sight at the destruction he created. He thought of that cripple Steiner hurting Liesel after he had finally decided to let her go. He thought that moron was worthy of taking care of her and he would be content watching her from the shadows. He was wrong, so dead wrong and he gave her over for him to break her right in front of him. This absolutely enfuriated him, fucking incensed him into a frenzy of black anger. He failed her completely and he hated himself for it. The blackest, vilest hatred he had ever felt at himself. He felt it bubble like hot oil within him from where it usually lay, barely dormant beneath the surface. Burning hot oil, that he knew kept unchecked would burn both him and anyone he came in contact with. He felt the self-loathing return. The fact that no one understood him, that he was alone and always would be. The amount of pain from those dark thoughts made him want to set the building ablaze. He had lost count of how many windows he destroyed. And finally, some of the blackness had subsided, the veil of anger, hatred, and despair shifted from his eyes ever so slightly. Only then did he dare to glance at Liesel. And he dreaded how she would look at him. Would her eyes swell with fear? Anger? Disgust? Hatred? All the ways others would look upon him when they encountered him. Instead, what he saw was sadness. Her eyes misty, red and swollen as if she were about to cry.
Viktor doesn't know what to say. He drops the bat to the ground with a clang. He slumps to the ground. There is heaps of fragmented glass there, but he doesn't care. If he got cut, would he even bleed? A few moments of shameful silence, as he stares at the ground there are the sound of footsteps. Hesitant at first, growing more sure as glass crackles asunder. She gets close enough for him to see the tops of her dirty shoes. He still won't look up at her. So she crouches down. Brown against grey. Her eyes full of something unfamiliar.
***WITHIN HER EYES***
Was compassion. Something Viktor never experienced.
"You're hurting." She finally says.
He isn't quite sure how she knows. Something in Liesel's eyes makes him want to let his guard down and tell her how he really feels. And how much he hates himself. So he does. "I don't want to be alive." He barely whispers, but Liesel is close enough to hear. She nods and he continues. "Everyday it gets harder to get through the day, fighting through my mind. The devil always at my door and I want to die." He waits for her to ask why. She doesn't much to his relief. He wasn't ready to tell her everything yet. As if sensing he has said all he is comfortable saying, Liesel speaks.
"I feel that way too sometimes." She doesn't elaborate any further. Viktor lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding. She is silent for a bit. Her voice is soft and warm. "Your life matters. I know you don't believe me, but you will make it through this. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to be angry. And to be jealous and scared and lonely. All those feelings we like to pretend don't exist because of how ugly they are. This pain you have inside. I can sense it." Viktor can feel his walls coming down, walls of ice he built over the years. He is melting.
"The pain you're experiencing. It hurts because it matters." She finishes. Grey meets brown once more. She really is the most beautiful thing he has ever set his eyes on more than ever before. Not because of how she looked, but who she is. Viktor gazes at her, forgetting to wear his mask as he stares at her with such raw emotion that Liesel is forced to look away. Yes, she is so beautiful, but she isn't his. He thinks dejectedly. "How can you say such kind things to me?" Viktor asks, his voice contrite. "After how horribly I treated you?" He is ashamed of how cruelly he has treated her these past months. I like you. He wants to say, but then that would really be selfish and complicate things even further. Especially since he couldn't express it properly at least not without burning her. Again, he feared for the worst, that she would come to her senses and tell him just how despicable he is, a lowly cockroach of a human being he is. How unworthy of love he is.
"Everyone is worthy of love." She answers.
Viktor goes wide eyed, his face growing hot, unsure what to say or where to look. Thankfully she isn't looking at him anymore, but instead off into the distance as if she is embarassed too. "Come on let's get out of here before someone sees us." Usually, he would say something snide like don't tell him what to do or that he called the shots, not her. But for some reason, he just isn't himself today and awkardly does as she suggests.
