We go back to camp with the sun up above our heads.
I take something to eat before reaching Miss Grimshaw and put myself to work.
For the entire day anxiety, frustration, embarrassment and confusion follow me wherever I go. I can't stop worrying for Arthur and I don't understand why. Why should I worry for a man to whom I wished death some days ago?
Then, from time to time, Charles gets inside my mind, causing me a twist on the stomach.
At dinner, I sit around the fire with Kieran, Lenny, Sean and Uncle when Micah gets near.
"It surprises me that you're still here" he says sitting down.
"What do you mean?" I ask coldly.
"Well, I thought that, after what you said, Dutch would have kicked you out. After all, we don't know what to do with a stupid rebel girl who causes troubles every day" he says with a mischievous smile.
He's provoking me.
"Well it seems that Dutch knows. After all, he keeps you with him" I reply.
He stares at me and I stare back.
"One day, he will have enough of you. Everybody here will have enough of you and your dramas. And then I'll watch you…"
I stop listening to him.
In the distance, behind his back, a horse comes out of the wood. The man on it, lays forward and is slowly slipping down from the saddle.
"Arthur!" I exclaim jerking up, making the plate I have on my legs fall on the ground, and running towards him.
While I get closer he slips down the horse and falls on the ground.
My heart sinks.
When I reach him, I kneel down and take his head between my hands.
"Hey, hey Arthur… a-are you okay?" I stutter trying to understand his conditions.
He grunts with his eyes closed. I hear people getting close from behind me.
"Arthur…"
"Arthur?"
The man, hearing Dutch's voice, awakens and coughs.
"I told you it was a set up, Dutch" mumbles Arthur.
"My boy, my dear boy, what?" he asks.
"They got me… but I got away" he answers.
"Yeah, that you did. Miss Grimshaw, I need help! Let's lift him" Dutch says kneeling next to me.
"He was gonna set the law on us" says Arthur with a grimace of pain when we sit him up.
"Oh, of course he was" replies Dutch.
"I'm sorry, Arthur" says Pearson showing up.
"It's a bit late for apologies. Swanson!" calls out Dutch.
"Mr. Morgan, Mr. Morgan, you're safe now" says the reverend coming closer.
"Let's get him to bed" orders Miss Grimshaw.
I lift him from an arm, Pearson takes the other and we drag him to his bed.
"You are safe now, Arthur… you're safe now" Dutch keeps saying.
We lean him gently on the bed, laying his head on the pillow.
"That's pretty, Dutch… that's real pretty" answers Arthur.
"Miss Grimshaw, will you sit with him a while?" asks Dutch lowering his voice and addressing the woman.
"Of course. You'll be okay, Mr. Morgan, you're home" she replies taking a chair and sitting next to him.
Dutch glances at me before going away.
I turn around and notice everybody else left.
"What do I have to do?" I ask to Miss Grimshaw.
"Take some fresh water and boil some other. Clean rags, then. Lot of them. Ask the girls to help you. We have to clean the wound" she orders without moving her eyes from Arthur.
I go to the girls tent. Karen and Mary Beth are whispering and they stop suddenly when they see me.
"I need some clean rugs" I say.
They look at me with an unhelpful attitude.
"Please, for Arthur" I add to stress the urgency of the situation.
They simply nod and go away.
"Mr. Pearson! I need you to light a fire" I say to the man seated on the kitchen table with his head low.
He sighs and gets to work. I go take two buckets full of water and when the fire is ready I put one on it.
"Here, this is all we could find" says Mary Beth with her arms full of pieces of cloth.
"Thank you" I say taking them.
"What's happening?" asks someone from my right.
It's Charles.
I gulp.
"Arthur is… he's back. But he's not well" I reply.
He lifts the bucket with the fresh water and says: "Let's go."
When I reach Arthur's tent, Miss Grimshaw is still there.
I leave the rugs on the table near the bed and Charles puts the water on the ground before going back to take the other.
"Let's take off his clothes" says Miss Grimshaw standing up.
I move my eyes from her to Arthur, surprised by the request.
"Come on we don't have the entire day" she urges me.
I reach the head of the bed and start opening the buttons that close the shirt Arthur wears.
I'm so stupid, of course we have to take off his clothes if we want to clean the wound.
We lift him a little so to undress the shoulders and the chest. He has some bruises, just like they punched and kicked him and on his left shoulder there's the wound from which comes the blood he is covered with.
"The bullet isn't here, good. I go take some wire. You start clean him with some hot water" says Miss Grimshaw looking closer at him and then standing up and going away.
Charles brings the other bucket full on hot water. I thank him, take some rugs and put them in the water. Then, gently and slowly, I pass them on the wound. When I put the rugs in the water again, it colors of red.
Miss Grimshaw comes back and starts sewing the wound.
"Well, I see he's in good hands" says Charles before leaving.
When Miss Grimshaw ends her work, she washes her hands in the hot water.
"Clean all around the wound now. We'll put some bandages on it" she orders.
We take the clean and dry rugs and put them all around the wound. Then, we put his arm in a way so he can't move it while he's still passed out.
"If the temperature rises, use the fresh water on his forehead, neck and wrists" says Miss Grimshaw standing up.
"How do you know all these things?" I ask before she goes away.
She smiles melancholic.
"Experience" she murmurs.
I take the chair and sit next to Arthur. Then, I check my watch.
It's a couple of hours past midnight. The rest of the camp is silent and deserted.
I move my eyes to Dutch's tent, a few yards from Arthur's, wondering if he's sleeping.
Rage starts to rise in me, making me tighten my teeth.
While he's inside there sleeping, here Arthur is fighting for his life and it's all his fault. And then, he also accused Mr. Pearson for what happened.
"It's a bit late for apologies." That's what he said. But it's the tone he used that I didn't like. He was scolding him. It was Pearson's idea, that's right, but nothing would have happened if he hadn't chose to go.
I realize that I'm squeezing my teeth so much that my jaw starts hurting.
Miss Grimshaw comes back and tells me to go to bed.
"No, you go. If something happens I'll let you know" I reply.
She looks at me for a second before leaving.
At Arthur's feet I see a blanket that I take and use to cover him. Then, I reach out a hand and move his blond hair to touch his forehead.
I can't feel any temperature. I sigh and stare at him.
Why was I so worried for him? Why I feel so much rage when I think about Dutch, who makes him always work and doesn't seem to care when he's in danger? If all this had happened right after Downes, probably I would be satisfied in watching him in this state, but now…
I lay an arm on the table next to me without moving my eyes from him.
Now I feel… guilty?
"Fred."
I jump and immediately close my eyes again when the sun light blinds me.
"W-what?" I ask.
"Why don't you take some coffee?" asks Abigail.
I open my eyes slowly.
Arthur is where I left him. Miss Grimshaw is dabbing his forehead.
"How is he?" I ask stretching my hurting back.
"The temperature is rising and he hasn't regained consciousness yet" she answers.
"Is he in danger?" I ask again, standing up.
My right shoulder hurts too and some fingers have fallen asleep.
"I don't think so, but we have to keep an eye on him. Take some coffee and come back" she commands.
I go towards the kitchen with Abigail. There, Mr. Pearson greets us with a disconsolate 'morning'.
"You don't have to feel guilty, Mr. Pearson" I tell him while I pour my coffee.
"It was my fault" he murmurs.
"No, it wasn't. The fault is…"
I think for a moment about what I have to say. After all I've already done, accuse Dutch is not the best thing to do.
"…on that bastard of Colm O'Driscoll. And all his goddamn flunkies."
He nods, but says nothing.
I go back to Arthur's tent and take Miss Grimshaw's place.
During the morning a lot of members come to ask me how he is. Even Bill gets close with awkward to check on him, but no trace of Dutch or Micah. From time to time I get up to check Arthur's breathing and heart beat and I take the opportunity to look at the camp and try to see one of the two.
Miss O'Shea spent the entire day in her tent, but no Dutch there. Micah disappeared.
For lunch, Mary Beth, under Miss Grimshaw's orders, takes my place and I go take something to eat. When I return, I see Dutch talking with the girl.
I draw closer from his back trying not to be heard and seen.
"…I really don't know what to say, it's… it's terrible. If I could go back, I swear to you, I wouldn't let anything of this happen" he's saying.
"It's not your fault, Dutch" replies Mary Beth.
"I know but… I feel like it was me who put him in danger somehow."
Unable to listen to one more word, I walk past him without looking at him.
"You can go Mary Beth. Tell Miss Grimshaw it's all okay" I say to the girl.
When she goes away, I take a rug, put it in the fresh water and dab it on Arthur's forehead, ignoring Dutch who's looking at me.
"You've been here all night and all day. Why don't you go and rest a little?" he says with no trace of kindness in his voice.
"I don't need rest" I reply coldly.
"I see. You think you're his savior, don't you? The one who looked for him, the one who stayed by his side all the time. What do you think he'll do when he gets up? Huh? Ask you to marry him?" he says with sarcasm.
"You don't know me if you think I do this to have something back" I answer.
"And for what then? The human being is naturally egoist. He doesn't give anything for anything. Unless…"
I don't react to his provocation.
"Ahh… you feel guilty? And for what? It's wasn't you who sent him to the O'Driscolls" he adds.
"No, in fact, that was you. So I don't understand why you're not in my place right now" I reply looking at him.
He sighs and frowns.
"I love him like a son, but I don't try to prove it breathing down his neck all day" he says.
"No, you prove it leaving him to the O'Driscolls."
"What you don't understand is that I have responsibilities towards all the members of this group and I would have never put some other lives in danger for a man I know can take care of himself."
"You didn't need the others. I was enough" I reply.
"And you think your life isn't as important as the others'?"
I laugh at his face with sarcasm, but he remains serious.
I shake my head and focus again on Arthur.
After some time, Dutch leaves.
It's been two days and the fever doesn't go down. We tried to make him drink some water and eat some food, but without success. The good news is the wound didn't get infected.
During the night we check on him in turn, but even when it's not my turn, I can't sleep a lot.
It's the third night. It's like I'm counting them: the days, the hours, maybe also the minutes Arthur is on that bed.
I'm seated near the campfire, darkness and silence around me. It must be around midnight and everyone is already sleeping.
Tilly is with Arthur. The next turn is Karen's, but I think I'll take her place. If I can't sleep, at least I'll do something useful.
I hear some footsteps and raising my head I see a shape in the darkness getting closer, but I can't understand who it is until he reaches the fire.
"Charles. I thought everyone was sleeping" I say.
"Almost. You can't?" he asks sitting next to me.
I shake my head watching the flames.
"You still worried?"
I sigh.
I don't know where to start to make him understand and I don't even want to talk about it, but it's Charles, so I try.
"It's not just this. I can't take Dutch off my head. We talked, you know? And he said he didn't want to rescue Arthur because he knew he could take care of himself, and he made a whole discourse about the responsibility he has for the members of this group and other bullshit. And when I said I was enough to rescue him…ah…he tried to convince me that my life is important for him as well as the others'. That man is unbelievable. He thinks he can make me change my mind with some good word? And I…I should have kept looking for Arthur. I should have insisted. If I did maybe…maybe he wouldn't be like this now. I had to try harder."
I talk without a pause. Then, I look at Charles and when my eyes meet his, all the memories of that day come back to my mind and my stomach twists.
"I don't think Dutch was lying. Give him another chance. Maybe you just got the wrong idea about him. And…about that day…" he says getting closer on the log we are seated on.
My muscles tense up while I wonder what his intentions are.
"You and I, we did anything we could. What has been, has been. You can't change that" he adds.
It's incredible how he can alway say the right thing.
"Thank you" I murmur.
He's so close, I can barely breath. I feel again the same instinct I had that day, to go towards him, to touch him, to…
"Fred" a voice calls me.
It's Tilly.
"Do I have to wake up Karen?" she asks.
"No, there's no need, let her sleep. I'll go" I reply standing up.
I nod to Charles before going away.
If there is something in this place that I love, is the dawn.
Watch the sun coming out of the lake and all the different shades of color and lights that sparkle on the water, always makes me feel like everything is fine. Then, when the magic ends, I go back to reality and become aware that things aren't fine. But they could definitely be worse.
Arthur's temperature dropped and we all waited him to wake up. He opened his eyes slowly and coughed a little. Then, he mumbled something and closed them again. Some hours after, we've been able to make him eat and drink some water.
When he's been able to sit up, Dutch came to talk with him, but I wasn't there. Now that he doesn't need constant attentions, I can go back to work and so I couldn't hear the great speech I'm sure he did about how much he was worried about him and blah blah blah.
The next morning I'm the first to greet Arthur, when I bring him some breakfast. He's better, but he still needs to regain his strength.
"What?" I ask when he makes a grimace of pain.
"This goddamn shoulder" he says.
"You have to thank that they didn't aim a little bit lower or you wouldn't be able to breath" I reply.
"They didn't want to kill me. They wanted to use me as bait so they could take Dutch when he would have come to save me" he explains.
"Their waiting was vain, then" I say with bitter laugh.
He grunts looking at me with severity.
"Okay so… he told you" I say looking down.
"You shouldn't have come. You shouldn't have disobeyed him. Dutch knows what he does, and he's right. Always" he adds when I try to reply, making me stop.
"I can take care of myself. I always have. He knows me and I know him and I know he wasn't cutting me loose."
I nod with my head down.
"So, if I can give you and advise, you better find a way to apologize to him" he ends
