The Pivotal Moment
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A/N-a big thank you to everyone who reviewed this story!
Chapter Ten-A Quiet Acceptance
Rey could see Finn hovering not too far away out of the corner of her eye. He had been in deep discussions with Poe for the last hour-the two of them giving Ben the evil eye from a distance. They were not happy that Ben was here, and were doing little to hide their hostility. The only reason they'd held back in verbalising that hostility was for Leia's sake. But Rey knew from past experience with Dameron that it wouldn't be long before he cracked, and either confronted Ben himself, or verbally expressed his misgivings to Leia in the vain hope she might actually listen to him.
At this stage in their acquaintance Rey recalled that she and Poe hardly knew each other. They had exchanged quick introductions, but that was the limit of their interactions. With Finn it was different. They had forged a deep friendship in the time they had been together-first on Jakku when they had come together because of BB8-which had only gotten deeper when they had encountered Han and Chewie when they had run into them by accident.
"I'm not Resistance. I'm not a hero. I'm a stormtrooper. Like all of them, I was taken from a family I'll never know. And raised to do one thing. But my first battle, I made a choice. I wasn't gonna kill for them. So, I ran, right into you. And you looked at me like no one ever had. I was ashamed of what I was. But I'm done with the First Order. I'm never going back."
Rey recalled Finn's impassioned plea when they had been on the planet Takodana, seeking Maz Kanata's help to deliver BB8 to the resistance. Before that he had claimed to be a part of the resistance. It had come as a shock when he'd confessed to being a former stormtrooper, but that didn't stop her admiring him any less. Now the friendship she'd shared with him was fractured. She sighed, remembering their last encounter before she left for Ahch-to with Ben. They hadn't parted on the best of terms.
"Rey."
She startled at the sound of Ben's concerned voice. She had been so lost in her own head she hadn't been aware he was trying to get her attention. They were sitting together on the opened ramp of the Falcon. She felt the back of his hand brush hers gently and she turned to look at him. Their faces were so close together she could feel the warmth exuding from his body. He was gazing at her intently, his eyes flicking to her lips for a few seconds, before meeting hers again. Rey could tell he wanted to kiss her again, just like he had on Ahch-to. She felt the same longing overwhelm her. Ben raised a hand to her cheek, whispering her name in that soft, tender way he had….
"Can we talk, Rey?" Finn's unexpected intrusion pulled them apart. His expression was stern, forbidding as he glared at Ben, before softening slightly when his eyes travelled to Rey. "In private?"
Ben's hand immediately clamped down on Rey's knee territorially. She could feel the tension in his fingers as he glared up at Finn, his mouth twisting into a scowl. "FN-2187!" He sneered. "We meet again."
"Ben!" Rey said in disgust as she shoved his hand away from her knee. "He goes by Finn now." She saw Finn smirk when she rushed to his defence, this only resulted in aggravating her further. "Stop it!" She scolded them like immature children. "Save the pissing contest for another time."
Ben glowered at her in annoyance, his cheeks flushing red. Finn's brows drew down as he swallowed down his resentment. "I didn't come over here for an argument. I just want to talk, Rey."
"Then talk." Rey folded her arms stubbornly across her chest.
Finn's jaw pulsed as he locked eyes with Rey. He was disappointed that she was making things so difficult. It was probably because she knew he was going to be questioning her about Ren's motives, to try and put doubts in her mind about Kylo's true intentions. He was so sure that the guy was using her, deliberately trying to separate her from her friends in to order gain some kind of advantage. Like Poe, he thought that Rey's compassion was blinding her to the truth, just like Han and Leia who were so desperate to believe that there was still good in their son.
"You really want to do this here?" Finn said, putting his hands on his hips.
"I don't want to do this at all." Rey replied wearily. "You just need to have faith that I know what I'm doing."
Ben was watching their interactions carefully. When FN-2187 had been under his command, he had hardly taken any notice of him. The only time he had consciously been aware of him was when he had gotten a hint of Finn's uneasiness during the raid on the village of Tuanul when the order had been given to the stormtrooper squadron to fire on the villagers harbouring the fugitive, Lor Tan Sekka, a former explorer and devout member of the Church of the Force, who held part of the map that would lead to the location of Luke Skywalker.
Ben hated the twinge of envy that clawed at his heart as he listened to them talk. They were close, her concern for Finn was obvious, as was her fear of losing one of the few friendships that she had managed to attain after living a lifetime alone. Even as he understood it-empathised even- Ben still couldn't stop his jealousy clouding his brain and turning his thoughts bitter.
"I don't understand you, Rey." Finn was shaking his head in frustration. "You know what he is!"
"Things are different. He's different." Rey felt her own frustration building. She was caught between a rock and a hard place. Finn didn't know what she knew, and there was no way she was going to be able to explain without sounding crazy. She had to careful. So much had changed already, one wrong move could ruin everything.
"You don't need to defend me, Rey." Ben cut in as he jumped to his feet. He shrugged his shoulders to try and ease the knots in his muscles. His glare matched Finn's as they sized each other up. "Instead of attacking her. Talk to me."
"You?" Finn responded cuttingly. "As if I would ever believe a word that comes out of your mouth! I don't trust you and I never will."
Rey could sense that Ben's temper was boiling over. Finn wasn't far behind him. She could almost smell the testosterone in the air. She looked pleadingly at Ben, begging him with her eyes to just walk away from this fight. It was one he wasn't going to win. It was going to take a hell of a long time before anyone from the resistance trusted him, if ever.
Ben could feel Rey's anxiety rolling off her in waves through their force bond. He sucked in a deep breath, his expression turning bleak as he nodded at her abruptly to show her, he understood, before turning away from her and Finn. He put some distance between them-enough that he couldn't hear the rest of their conversation-but still close enough to see Finn put his hand on Rey's shoulder and pull her into a comforting hug. It was when he saw her head rest against Finn's chest and her eyes close that he had to walk away before it broke him.
"Ben, we've been looking for you everywhere." Han found his son sitting alone in the Falcon's cockpit, staring moodily at the lucky dice he was twisting around and around in his left hand.
"Well you've found me." Ben muttered.
Han frowned as he settled in the co-pilots seat next to his son. Ben looked surly; an expression Han remembered seeing a lot on his son's face when he was young. It usually meant something was troubling him. Ben had always had difficulty sleeping. Some nights he and Leia would be awoken by Ben's cries as he was plagued by yet another nightmare. It was usually Han who comforted Ben. Leia's heavy workload meant she needed rest, and the constant disturbances from their son took a heavy toll on her.
"Talk to me." Han said gruffly. "What's going on in that head of yours?"
"You don't want to know." Ben mumbled. He rolled the dice around in his palm, loving the feel of their solid square shape under his fingers.
"I do." Han sat forward in his seat.
Ben raised his head and looked at Han properly for the first time. His father did seem sincere. He wasn't impatient like Ben remembered him being when he was younger. He appeared earnest in his desire to reconnect, to find some common ground. But as much as Ben wanted to spill his guts to his father, he wasn't ready. Like he had to earn others trust, they had to earn his.
"Where's Rey?" He said instead. "Is she still with FN…Finn?"
"Finn is helping Dameron load the last of the supplies. We'll be ready to leave soon. Rey's with your mother and Luke. They're worried about you." Han revealed.
Ben felt he could breathe again now that he knew that Rey wasn't with Finn anymore. He hated feeling jealous. He knew It was petty and wrong to feel that way. It was just hard to see her in the arms of another guy, even if it was just a friendly hug. It hurt. He missed it being just the two of them, off in their own little world where nothing could hurt them. He felt safer, more secure when they were alone.
"I can't imagine Skywalker is worried about me." He muttered sarcastically.
Han sighed heavily as he leaned back in his seat. He only knew the bare details of what had transpired between Luke and Ben. Leia had pressed Luke for details but he refused to elaborate. He had noted Rey's pensive expression when it was brought up. There was so much he didn't know. No one was talking and it was just adding to the tension.
"You remember the first lesson I taught you…that sometimes doing the right thing doesn't mean following a straight line?"
"I remember." Ben said quietly. He was wondering where his father was going with this trip down memory lane.
"Life never turns out how you expect, Ben. You can start out with the best intentions, but then life throws you a curveball and it sends you off course." Han sighed again, his gaze turning inward as he mulled over all the mistakes he'd made, all the regrets that he carried with him, his biggest one losing his son. "You needed me, Ben." He continued thickly. "You needed me….and I wasn't there enough. I let other things get in the way when you should have been my priority. You and your mother…" He paused again, breathing deeply through his nose as he tried to contain his emotions. "And I'm so sorry for that. I love you, son. You have to believe I never stopped loving and missing you every single day."
Ben's eyes glimmered with tears as he listened to Han express his deepest regrets and profess his love for him. He wanted to reach out to his father, but past hurts still held him back. When he was younger, he had strived so hard to be the person his parents and his conscience wanted him to be, but it would keep taunting him with his failures. Each time his own regrets emerged, he would diligently analyse them, hoping that this time they would be satisfied with his self-professed remorse, but they never were. Like an unforgiving spectre all his past actions would come back to haunt him all over again, continuing the same cycle of self-blame and torture.
"I want- "Ben's chin quivered as he failed to finish his sentence.
"I know, son." Han finished for him with a sad smile. "I know."
Ben found Rey waiting for him at the entrance to the hangar. It was dark outside; a chill wind was blowing, stirring the fine hairs around her face. She appeared lost and lonely standing by herself. Her gaze was directed at the horizon, her expression troubled.
"Hey." He said, coming up to stand beside her.
"We have to go, Ben." Rey said quietly. "We have to go now."
Ben nodded, knowing exactly what she meant. Bile rose in his throat at the thought of what they were going to have to do. After his emotional conversation with his father, the thought of leaving made him feel sick. "I know what I have to do…I just don't know if I have the strength to do it."
"You do." Rey whispered. "You're not alone. I'll help you."
They stared into each other's eyes for a long time, until tears arose, and they found themselves crying.
"You'll stand with me, Rey?" Ben's breath hitched. He sighed, wiping away his tears with the back of his hand.
Rey kissed him and the world fell away. It was slow and soft, the way that words would never be. His hand rested below her ear, his thumb caressing her cheek as their breaths mingled. Rey ran her fingers down his spine, pulling him closer until there was no space left between them and she could feel his heart beating against her chest.
Their lips parted and their eyes met again, both filled with sorrow, but also now a quiet acceptance. It was time to leave and follow through with their plan to kill Snoke.
A/N-thanks for reading! Please review.
