Rain
Already halfway into their third year of training, rain turned to snow, snow to slush, and Krista couldn't remember the last time she last experienced it. Those days at Thorpe had never been particularly chilly, let alone this cold. Certainly, there were those short bouts during the spring, sorely needed to keep the crops thriving, but nothing reminiscent of a downpour. She drew her uniform closer around her small frame, sitting alone, sniffling as she watched fellow trainees go idly by. For some reason, she was freezing.
And it wasn't because of the rain.
For one, you and me are different! When I got a second chance in life, I made a fresh start! But I never stooped so fucking low as to renounce my real name!
If only I hadn't given birth to you in the first place! Then none of this…! I…! If only you hadn't been born!
She felt a headache coming on. It wasn't just the rain, she supposed, looking at a puff of cold air that left her mouth and taken by the rain. Holding out a hand, hard drops hitting her palm, part of her wished that she could just drown in it. Just forget about everything, and let the storm take her, too, body and all. Though, closing the hand, that wasn't the way she wanted to go. No… not at all. Something quiet and lonely like that…
And what the fuck did you do?! You completely surrendered! Do you want those bastards who treated you as a nuisance to be happy that badly, hah?!
Thunder rumbled. A bolt of lightning flashed across the sky. The storm grew louder, the rain fell heavier. She pulled her hood down further, and began humming that tune from back then. The one she still couldn't recall where it was from… Though… she…
Black hair blowing in the breeze, white dress loose around her figure, dark green eyes staring back at her, in that field. That soft, soothing voice…
Krista touched her head.
The headache was getting worse.
"Something wrong, Krista?"
The rain suddenly stopped. She craned her neck to the sky, seeing Reiner standing there and holding his uniform out to act like a roof over her head.
"What are you doing out here by yourself? Where's Ymir and Achi?"
She put on a smile. "Oh, they're..." Looking away from him, she kept her face hidden as she pretended to search around. She didn't want Reiner to see it—the smile on her face fizzling to nothing. "They're somewhere around here."
Since this morning she'd caught no sight of either of them, and she hadn't bothered to go looking yet. Instead, she was here, sitting in the rain, not to wait for them, but, thinking what she was going to be sacrificing herself for. What the soldiers of the military were giving their lives for, in service to humanity. What her father's role in that was, and those men who had yet to make a reappearance. If Reiner knew these things, he probably would have something to say. Not out of spite or scorn, but, concern, because that's just the kind of person he was.
He said something that she didn't catch. "Did you say something, Reiner? she said, asking him to repeat it.
"Ah, well…"—his face turned red as he scratched behind an ear—"I said, seeing as how they aren't here, I guess I'll be the one helping you stay dry." He smiled, confident and proud.
She blinked. "That's… very kind of you, Reiner," she replied, smiling back.
"Anytime. Whatever you need, just know I'm here."
She didn't know much about Reiner except that he and Bertolt were joined at the hip—and this was one of those rare occasions they weren't—but, she was thankful for the company. Even if she didn't show it, or thought much of it. She frowned. There she went again, being like that. Then, they were quiet for a long time, before she decided to finally ask him the burning question that she asked everyone else.
"Say, Reiner," she said before the silence between them began to thicken even faster than the fog accompanying the rain around them. "Why did you join the military?" An image of Riecka came to her mind. "To become a soldier?" She raised her head, waiting for his response.
He gulped, and she noticed his jaw tighten. "I became a soldier to have the chance to return to my hometown."
"... The chance?"
He nodded. "When the Wall fell, my home was overrun. I made a promise to return one day, but, before, I was just a kid with a dream. Now, I have a chance—the chance, to make right on that. My dream is no longer just a dream. It can become a reality if I really work at it. That's all I care about… in the end…" his voice trailed off, deadened by the rain, and things grew quiet between them for awhile longer until he spoke up again. "What about you?"
She lowered her eyes. "I…" The only image she saw of Riecka now was the tattered remains of her uniform, lying trampled on the ground. The Wings of Freedom, soaked in blood and buried in mud, left on the battlefield where it was to be eventually forgotten. "... also made a promise. A… A-A dream." She recalled what Ymir said that day, about playing a character just because she was afraid of the alternative. What she said during that time in the mountains with Dazz. They went up again. "A-and since signing up, there's also the chance it'll be more than one." She stared hard into his eyes. "And I won't let anyone tell me that it can't be done otherwise, either!"
Taken aback by her sudden intensity, Reiner blinked, mouth opening slightly. "T… That's right!" he said back, grinning now, pumping a fist. "We'll become soldiers, and make good on our promises!"
She sprang to her feet, throwing a fist in the air too. "Yeah!"
Some time after, the rain letting up a bit and Reiner having gone to check on Bertolt, Krista still sat on that step, reminiscing on their conversation. They'd talked about a lot of things, from the other trainees, to their exercises, their instructors, how the food was—both agreeing it was horrible, but, better than nothing—and what they thought the rest of their time here was going to be like.
She liked Reiner. He was dependable.
And that was why she hated him, too.
Everyone looked up to him as someone they could rely on, unlike her. For all her efforts, she was still seen as useless. Nothing other than a fragile trophy atop a pedestal, revered for her looks. She wanted to be dependable too. To be worth something, she kept telling herself. Over and over again. For people to look at her as something other than a nuisance, something better than a feast for the eyes, something to be remembered. To be… more than just revered. Even if she had to throw herself to the wolves in order to so.
Grinding her teeth, she hated it. She hated all of it. Huddled there, crumbled into a ball, her mother's words echoed in her head, cold and detached as that blade pressed against her throat. Weeping openly, if only… she hadn't been born… Then…
"You okay?"
Krista sniffed, wiping her nose as she looked up. It was Achi, this time.
"You trip again? Hurt yourself?" Twin-tails swaying in the rain, she looked her over briefly, checking for injuries. Her eyes were red, like she'd just been crying herself.
"No... I... I'm fine... But, are you OK? Your eyes... They're—"
Achi scowled. "Yeah, I could say the same to you. If you're not hurt, then are you gonna get up, or what?"
She didn't budge. "I..."
Achi rolled her eyes. "Come on!" Forcing her to her feet, Achi clasped her on the shoulders and glared into her face. "I don't know what you're crying about, but, suck it up. Make the best of it, because it's not gonna get any easier!"
Eyes going to the ground, Krista smiled faintly. "You... wouldn't understand... I—ugh!"
"Shut up!" Achi screamed, punching her. "You don't know anything, so what makes you think you know me?!" She shook her around. "That's what I've always disliked about you! How you always play the saint, when, really, you're just the victim! It makes me sick!"
Hunching over, Krista held her stomach, gasping for breath. Those scenes replayed themselves her head as she coughed a bit of mucus. Achi's words hit her one after the other as she continued to berate her.
"Compared to me, what you're going through..."
"If only you hadn't been born!" The neglect. "Don't come near me! Stay where you are and don't even think of bothering me again!" The hatred. "You're not mine. You're just something that bears a strong resemblance!" The cowardice. "I can't bear to look at you! I can't take it!"
She touched her lip, coming away with drops of scarlet.
If only…
She balled the hand into a fist.
… hadn't been born, then… "You little shit!" … She wouldn't be in this mess. "You're just a bitch's daughter!" She wouldn't have to—! "A whore, just like her!" From here on… "A nobody!" She wanted to change… If I love you then… "Who the hell could ever love trash like you?!" She… I'll… "...your name is…" her name was... "You'll learn, one way or the other!" … was sorry… "What it means…" Krista. "You're..." ...to be… "...something I need to forget and pretend that never happened." … something else... "You're—" She wasn't— "Have courage!"
"… nothing! So quit feeling sorry for yourself alrea—!" Achi's head snapped to the side. She staggered back, stunned.
"What makes you think that you know anything about what I've experienced?!"
Krista screamed back. Her hand was red and swollen, shaking from how hard she'd slapped the other girl. "How much I've endured?! What I've—"
"Dumbass!" Achi tackled her, and began pummeling her as they tumbled. "Who cares about any of that?!" she spat.
They tussled. Bloodied each other. Beat on one another until they both wore themselves out, and, in the end, collapsed on their backs, panting heavily.
Achi stood back to her feet, one eye closed, clutching her cheek as she leaned over and looked down at her. "Everyone... has their pains," she began, reaching her other hand out. "Some of us just deal with it better than others," she continued. "Now, come on, take my hand already… I'm sorry… I shouldn't have—"
Krista took it, wincing as Achi helped her up. "N… no… I'm… the one who should be... sorry…"
"Whatever. It's over now. Let's… go get cleaned up..." Achi said. Then, she put an arm around her and they started walking together, supporting each other as they went.
Now at a local infirmary, after being taken care of and given the necessary care for their injuries—and after paying for the hefty fee with all the savings they had on hand because if word got out about their scuffle the Chief Instructor would have their heads—Krista sat in front of a mirror, carefully taking off her bandages.
Luckily she had a raincoat, otherwise someone might notice the scratches and bruises on her arms and legs. When she finished peeling the last one, she shook her head. When she was getting knocked around by Annie that night had been one thing, the kidnapping another, but, to think she let herself fly into a rage like she did, it was so… different... from those times…
Flexing her fingers, she couldn't believe she had it in her.
"You know, you can hit pretty hard."
"... Huh?" Krista saw Achi touching around her eye in the mirror's reflection. She had accidentally given her a black eye during their fight. "S… sorry…" she said, blushing.
"It'll go down. If anyone sees it, it's none of their business."
"What if it's Shadis?"
Achi shrugged. "Who cares." Even if she wasn't punching her anymore, her bitter, harsh tone still stung. "You may be a 'Goddess' with that strange combination of grace and melancholy, but, there are times when you take too much pride in your misfortune, and you'd better watch that. It pisses me off."
"I didn't mean to upset you back then, Achi, honest. I just..."
"You just… what?" She laughed cruelly. "Everyone knows you're the cutest and most deserving of everyone's fucking pity. And, since you're well aware of that, you shouldn't go out of your way to drag it out like you do."
"Then... what am I supposed to...?"
"How the hell should I know?" Achi retorted, cursing when she pressed on her eye in a bad spot. "Figure it out yourself."
Krista touched her chest, twisting the spot where her heart resided. "Then… what makes a person… good… to you…?"
"What's that supposed to mean?" Achi paused, mulling the question over. "Well, if I had to guess..."
She waited.
"I guess, everyone has their own idea of what a person should strive to be, whether it's good or bad, and what you think… might not be what others will agree with—or at least that's what my dad would say. But, to me, if you're doing what you have to, to survive, that's all that matters. It's what you believe in."
"Doing what you have to… and what you believe in…?" Krista repeated. "Then,"—she took a moment to find the proper words—"how do you keep going, despite your hardships?"
Achi shrugged again. "Because I'm not going to be let them win."
"Who?"
"The Titans," she spat. "Who else? Ugly bastards…"
The conversation died shortly after.
And that night, when they were released, the two of them met up with Ymir who asked where the hell they'd been the whole time.
"Why? Is something wrong, Ymir?" Krista said.
"You get lonely without us?" Achi mocked.
"Hah? What makes you think that?" She scratched an itch. She pointed at Achi's left eye. "What's up with...?"
They looked at each other.
"Nothing."
Ymir raised a questioning brow, then snorted. "Suit yourselves. Weirdos."
