He was still making her coffee. It had been nearly a week since the ball and he was still making her coffee.
Lucia had considered the implications of this, wondering if he was trying to prove to her that he wasn't giving up. The problem was that she was unclear on what he wasn't giving up on. Being friends with her? Fine. Having a relationship? She wasn't so sure.
There was more to it now than just it being an objectively bad idea. After all, it was like being given a book and having the title be 'He Dies At The End' and expecting to enjoy it. Just because she had the unique opportunity to possibly change the ending didn't make the book seem more appealing, despite it's very handsome cover.
No it was more the jealousy and childish cruelty he had when he felt threatened. If anything was unattractive to Lucia it was possessiveness.
Ryan had been characteristically unpossessive of her, accepting that she wanted something casual in the beginning with all the grace of someone who knew that she'd choose him at the end of the day. And she did. After they were in a real relationship, sharing utility bills and splitting household chores, she continued to be a free spirit. She never slept with anyone else, never even wanted to, but she did things alone, with frequency.
Near the end of their marriage Ryan had been dealing with stress at work and had stopped wanting to do things as often. He was older than her and often felt tired. Her enthusiasm for life was only so contagious after being together for years and he had stopped wanting to join her on her adventures, or misadventures. Her evenings with her then single best friend Emily had found them at bars, nightclubs and music venues. She had been uptown and downtown and to secret parties as well as large galas, all without Ryan. In secret she had loved it. She had only spent a very small portion of her adult life single, with Ryan entering it soon after she turned eighteen. Now, in retrospect, Lucia wished she had spent more nights home with him.
But Ryan had never been jealous or insecure. He had never used her past against her or insulted her, and he certainly had never called her a whore.
Severus was many things that Lucia loved, but he was also insecure and had the propensity to be cruel. A large part of her had no interest in that. Love was never unconditional, and certainly a minimum condition she required was trust and respect.
But he was still making her coffee and she was still drinking it, self respect be damned.
It was the first day of winter break and breakfast was especially quiet with only a handful of students staying. Lucia had hoped Severus would return to his home but to no avail. It seemed he insisted on being an ever present shadow on her winter break.
Had Lucia known how uncomfortable she would be, she may have made arrangements to go somewhere for the holidays. Likely not home, as then her in-laws would expect her to spend time with them.
It wasn't that she didn't love her in-laws. They were kind and very attentive to Lucia, especially after Ryan's death. In fact it was her that had been terribly inconsiderate of them and their time. She hadn't spoken to them for months after, not even arranging a funeral for Ryan or showing up for the one they had organized. They showed her compassion despite this, inviting her to their family gatherings and including her in any event. Maria, his mother, had even offered to set her up with someone after a couple years, which Lucia found to be incredibly bizarre and uncomfortable.
Ryan looked so much like his mother. The curved nose, bright eyes and wide smile were a perfect reflection of each other. It was painful to see her smile, often with a twinge of sadness or concern behind it, and Lucia wanted to avoid that.
Similarly, Emily would be a bundle of nervous energy. She always was this time of year, knowing Lucia had no family to speak of and the anniversary of Ryan's death on the horizon, Emily wanted to make Lucia feel loved and included in all things.
At the end of the day Lucia just felt exhausted from trying to convince people she was ok and happy. In no way could the holidays ever be anything more than a stressful and unpleasant time for her, even without the well intended preening of her friends. Emily had even gone so far as to show up at her apartment when she missed a party, sighting a stomach bug that was entirely fictionalized.
"Lucia!" The voice called from the front of the garden level apartment.
"Damnit, why did I give her a key to the gate." Lucia muttered, putting the tub of ice cream down on the coffee table next to her glass of wine.
Lucia hobbled to the front door, her toes recently painted with muggle nail polish. She considered using a quick dry spell but had left her wand in the bedroom somewhere. In truth she hadn't left the house in a couple days and hadn't bothered cleaning up after herself either, leaving her wand to be just another part of the entropy that was slowly becoming her life.
The door swung open revealing a bundled up Emily, covered in faux fur and sporting bright red lipstick and gloves, a stark contrast to Lucia's too long t-shirt with chocolate and pasta sauce stains all over it.
"You missed the party." Emily said, trying to be gentle.
"Yeah. Sorry I should have told you. I thought I was up for it but then I wasn't feeling great." Lucia said.
"You don't have to feel bad. I just thought maybe this year would be the year." Emily commented.
It was New Years Eve, well now New Years day, 1998, three years since Ryan had passed.
"It's just a stomach bug." Lucia lied.
"Yeah my ass it is." Emily scoffed, looking around the filthy apartment and casting a few spells to clean it up a bit.
Lucia shrugged, not phased by being caught in her lie. "I thought it would be too."
Emily went down to sit on the couch and noted the ice cream and wine next to an open picture album. "Oh my goodness your wedding. I wish I had known you then. I would have been your maid of honor."
"No you wouldn't have." Lucia quipped, sitting down next to her and pulling the album into her lap. "No one was invited. You would have gotten the little elopement owl along with everyone else."
Emily stuck her tongue out at Lucia and turned the page.
The next picture was of Lucia and Ryan in San Francisco. They were looking for a bathroom and ended up stumbling upon a partially renovated portion of a high rise with conveniently unlocked doors. Ryan had dragged Lucia in despite her worry of getting caught and insisted they get a picture together. He had grabbed her by the waist and dipped her, nearly knocking them both over in the process. The photograph captured the moment of fear and then the peels of laughter that poured from them both as they righted themselves.
"He always made you laugh so hard."
"Like a fucking ape, or a chimpanzee if I was especially amused."
"It was his favorite thing to do, make you laugh. Whenever he found a joke that cracked you up he'd say it over and over again."
"You forget about his other favorite hobby: annoying me." Lucia flipped the page again. This time it was a series of photographs they had taken in a muggle photobooth. The first was of them smiling, the second they were kissing and in the third she was flashing the camera.
"God, remember when I stopped wearing bras for a few months?" Lucia asked.
"Unfortunately I think that's burned into my memory."
"Ryan loved it. He'd just reach over and give a little squeeze when no one was looking."
"When he thought no one was looking. You guys were gross."
"Yeah we were. Gross and in love."
"He'd want you to be gross with someone else, you know. Or at least not act like a sad sack of shit every single year around the holidays."
Lucia sighed, knowing she was right. "I don't- I'm not sure I want new happy memories. I like these ones." She said, gesturing toward the book.
"Well there are happy memories happening around you that you are missing." Emily said, pulling off her gloves and revealing a sparkling diamond in a solitaire setting on her ring finger.
"Holy shit Em." Lucia said, grabbing her friend's hand and examining the rock. "When did this happen?"
"Over Christmas. I wanted to tell you right away but we had to tell family first. We announced it tonight at the party." Emily said.
"Oh shit Em, I'm sorry." Lucia said, feeling genuine regret. "He did a great job. Didn't take any of my advice though."
"You told him to get me a pink heart shaped ring." Emily said, incredulously.
"Only because I knew you'd say yes regardless and the look on your face would have been priceless."
"Yes well, he did pick correctly, no thanks to you. I did admittedly not very subtly write down a few serial numbers and the type of stone I wanted."
"Of course you did. Also a Christmas proposal, really?"
"As if your proposal was even remotely romantic. He didn't even have a ring."
"Because I told him not to!"
"That doesn't mean he should have listened to you."
"I married him precisely because he listens to me." Lucia said, laughing. "Listened. He listened." Her voice dropped again and she looked back at the picture album.
Them holding hands on the front steps of their home after they had purchased it, excitedly waving some papers and a pair of keys on a ribbon at the camera. Ryan paused for a moment, looking at Lucia before pressing a kiss to her cheek which made Lucia grin even wider as her expression scrunched with delight.
"I took that picture." Emily said.
"Yeah you did." Lucia said, leaning into her friend and crying for the first time that evening.
Emily wrapped an arm around her allowing her furs to soak up the tears. "I miss him too. He was a good man and even better for loving you." She said.
"He was picking me up pizza, you know. Fucking 2 am pizza run to my favorite hole in the wall when a drunk driver mowed him down." Lucia said, her tears mingling with a tense anger. "He was a good man."
"I know." Emily replied.
"Pizza hasn't tasted the same since." Lucia said.
Emily paused for a moment before letting out a full belly laugh. Lucia cracked a smile into her friend's coat, feeling only marginally better.
Lucia had tried hard to be happy for her friend, and had even successfully been so. She had thrown a bachelorette party, served as a maid of honor at the wedding, gave a rousing speech about their nights of debauchery and mischief. She had been with Emily when she had a breakdown over the color of the runners being wrong and easily charmed them to be the correct shade of periwinkle and kissed her friends cheek as she drove off in their enchanted limo to their honeymoon.
It was at that moment that Lucia knew she needed to move away from New York, expecting a quiet holiday where she could sulk in peace.
Instead she has a warm cup of coffee in front of her and a painfully polite but quiet colleague sitting next to her at the staff table.
A handful of the staff members were still in attendance, but most of them, including Aurora, had opted to spend time with their families over the holiday break.
The staff table and student table had been combined, allowing for what was already an awkward morning to be even more so. Lucia couldn't shovel food in fast enough, opting to take her apple and eat it as she walked back to her office.
Before she could even get up from her chair, Severus spoke up. "Professor Sometimes, I would like to request your presence in my office this morning."
Lucia squeezed her eyes shut tightly, not willing to look at him. "Of course Professor." She replied, snatching her apple and taking a large bite of it as she walked quickly off.
"Ten am sharp then." He called after her.
She had never found herself to be the most adept at manipulating situations, but Lucia was well aware when others were doing it. Asking her to meet with him in front of students and McGonagall put Lucia in an uncomfortable position. It was Christmas break so she had a surplus of time and could not use that as an excuse, but she would also be perceived as being rude and disrespectful if she said no without good reason. It was a shit move and Lucia was pissed.
It was nearly 9 am, an hour before she was expected to be in the dungeons with her current least favorite dungeon bat. Plenty of time to let her annoyance turn into anger.
After alternating between banging on her piano and pacing, the clock struck 10 and Lucia had decided to not go to the dungeons at all, instead she sat in front of the fire with her feet placed on the table in front of her and chewed her nails, contemplating just how she got herself into this irritating situation to begin with. It was only when she got up to put another log on the fire that she noticed that she had failed to lock her door. Or perhaps she had and the bastard had just magicked it open.
"Professor." She acknowledged, picking up a rather large log and unceremoniously tossing it into the fire, causing sparks to fly back toward her. She tried not to flinch as a particularly large bit of ash burnt her hand, but she must have because he immediately was in front of her, holding her hand in his with his wand over it, silently mending the burnt skin.
"You didn't come." He said, his face and body uncomfortable close to her
"My stomach was upset." She lied while stepping away from him, not really caring if he believed her or not.
He didn't. "If I knew you didn't want to see me, I wouldn't have asked."
Lucia scoffed. "So you asked me in front of my students and peers, knowing I would have to say yes."
Severus looked confused for a moment. "You thought I was trying to manipulate the situation."
"I know what that looks like. I'm well aware of what you were attempting."
"I was attempting to get you to talk to me, because it seems you are unable to even acknowledge me during mealtimes."
Lucia let out a bark of laughter. "Gee, I fucking wonder why."
"I know what I said was out of line-" Lucia cut him off.
"Save it. I don't care."
Severus continued. "I didn't apologize for how I acted. Not only for saying those awful things, but also for kissing you. I lost control, something very uncharacteristic of me."
"I would argue it's one of your main characteristics. Everything but your clear disdain is on a very tight leash." Lucia said.
"Yes, you're right. I felt threatened so I lashed out."
"You had no reason to-" This time Severus cut Lucia off.
"Not only did I not have any real cause for concern, but it was not my place. I do not own you. You are not a wild animal that I can keep in a cage."
Lucia looked at him for a moment, unsure how to interpret his words.
"Do you usually call people whores when you want to kiss them." Lucia asked.
"I can't say I've run into these situations often, but yes, I do seem to call the people I… I care about things when I feel inadequate." Severus said, averting his eyes.
"Yeah no shit." Lucia said. "Look, I stand by what I said. I don't put up with that kind of bull."
"I know. I don't expect you to, however I would like to try to be better."
"I'm not in the business of fixing people." Lucia said.
"That is not what I'm asking." Severus said, his frustration slightly peeking through his composed demeanor.
"Then what are you asking?" Lucia's exasperation at the situation was on the surface, every word she said dripping with annoyance.
"I'm asking for you to speak with me again, grade papers in my office and go to the Opera event with me. " He said. "Nothing more, nothing less. Just for you to spend time with me and see that I am trying to learn what it means to- well what it means to be with a woman."
Lucia's guard had almost faltered at his words. She had forgotten about the Debussy show entirely, the tickets safely tucked underneath all the term papers she had still yet to grade.
Admittedly the week of avoiding him had set her back in grading. Left to her own devices, Lucia opted to play piano or snuggle with her cat, not read the barely coherent ramblings of teenagers, darling as they were.
"Do you expect anything from me?" She finally asked.
"Only that you give me opportunities to show you that I can be better than that."
"And if you aren't better than that?"
"You'll know. I'm sure the Malfoys' party will be a testament to my ability to maintain my composure amongst the vultures."
"You paint such a lovely portrait of your friends."
"Narcissa and Lucius are my friends. The people they associate with are less than desirable consequences of their friendship."
"You're assuming I even still want to go with you."
"Didn't you say something about disappointing Narcissa?"
Lucia thought for a moment about the older woman who seemed kind, though a bit stuck up. She reminded Lucia very much of her mother's side of the family. The pureblood mildly disapproving types who always wanted the best for her but she never quite reached the mark.
"It wouldn't be my first time being a disappointment." Lucia commented.
"Perhaps then you can decide later on, but I think Debussy would be a good start to mending what I have broken."
"Do you often apologize?" Lucia asked.
"I don't often find I need to."
"Oh you need to, and very often." Lucia scoffed. "Fine. Dinner and Debussy."
Severus visibly relaxed, his shoulders melting back into a more natural position and she could have sworn she saw a smile at the corner of his mouth.
"Shall I see you this evening to grade papers?" He asked, eyeing the pile on her desk and the pile on her coffee table and the piles on the floor.
"Yeah sure. Whatever." Lucia said offhandedly, taking her place at the piano.
Severus began to exit her chambers, his robes flowing around him as they so often did.
"Oh and Severus?"
He turned around to face her.
"Thanks for the coffee."
