Chapter 18: Sayo

One week. That is how long it has been since our last session. He hadn't pestered me about doing another session, but that also meant we weren't talking. More like, I wasn't talking to him. I was hiding. Hiding from Shippo, hiding from my problems, and I hated it. I hated that I was like this. I wanted to be normal. I wanted to get better, but there was something in my way; me. I sighed sinking into the tub. Every day since I have thought about how I broke down in front of him. I don't ever want that to happen again. Knowing Shippo I probably was going to cry a lot more. He always broke me down somehow. I got out of the tub, letting the water drain out. I stared at myself in the mirror, and for the first time, I looked and I mean really looked. I could feel my tears welling up in my eyes, but I rubbed them away. I didn't want to cry again. My skin looked so pale, so fragile. As if the slightest amount of pressure would cause it to tear. My bones were much more visible now than before. I tore my eyes away from my reflection, covering myself with a robe. I sank to the floor in the corner. I have never felt uglier that I did at this moment. I wasn't beautiful... I looked like a walking corpse. I wanted to steam, but I didn't have the strength for it. I could hear the door to my bedroom open.

"Kagome?"

He walked in finding me on the floor.

He put his hand on my shoulder. "Are you alright?"

I shook my head. "No. No, I am not okay."

He sat in front of me; legs crisscrossed.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

I bit the inside of my cheek. "I'm sick."

I could feel his eyes burning holes through me. I could tell he was waiting for me to go on.

I laughed a dry laughed. "I was looking in the mirror just now and... and I couldn't stand the sight of myself. What is wrong with me? Why can't I ever just be happy with the way that I am? Why am I so damaged?" I asked him.

My voice was so small, I could barely hear it myself. He just stared at me, a sad look in his eyes. He stood holding his hand out. I took it standing on my feet. He led me into the kitchen and sat me down without saying a word. I just sat there quietly watching him cook. For the first time in my life, I just wanted to be quiet. No yelling, scream or crying; just silence. About thirty minutes or so passed. My mouth watered at the smell. He'd set a plate down in front of me as well as himself. He began to eat, and honestly, I was waiting for him to tell me to eat, but he didn't. Was he waiting for me to make the decision for myself? I looked down at the plate, slowly grabbing the knife and fork. I cut into the meet putting it into my mouth. Once I'd started I couldn't stop. I kept stuffing my face. Crying as I did.

"Is it good?"

I rubbed my eyes. "It is. It's so good." I said with my mouth full.

I swallowed the food, chugging down a glass of water. He refilled it, watching me continue to eat. I had to stop myself from licking the plate clean. I pulled my knees to my chest.

"How do you feel?"

"Better."

I heard him sigh. "I haven't been completely honest with you Kagome."

"What do you mean?"

"About why I try as hard as I do with you. I had a sister..." he trailed off.

Had?

"You see, she was sick. Just as you are, but much worse. It had gotten so bad without any of us noticing, and by the time we did, there was no going back. I still remember the way she looked. She was so unrecognizable. A stranger. Not my sister whom I had grown up with. Her skin was just a thin layer covering her bones. Her cheeks sunk in, as well as her eyes. She was always cold. I had to be extra careful when covering her with a blanket. I was afraid of hurting her. You could... you could see her ribs poking out, and the way her stomach was permanently indented. She had become so weak that she'd bruise at the slightest touch. She'd become depressed, and at that point, there was nothing that we could do to make her eat. All we could do was sit there and watch her waste away in a hospital bed. Even if we could have saved her it didn't matter. She had no intention of getting better. She was happy with the way she looked. She didn't care if it was going to kill her. She was caught up in the obsession of being beautiful, being perfect. She was only sixteen when she passed away."

The pained looked on his face broke my heart. I could hardly look him in the eyes as he spoke. He was fighting to hold back his tears.

"That is why I try so hard with you Kagome. I am trying everything in my power to save you... but I can't save you if you don't want to be saved."

I flinched when his voice cracked. I swallowed the lump in my throat. Wracking my brain, trying to figure the right words to say to him.

"I am sorry." Was all I managed to come up with.

He shook his head. "You have nothing to be sorry for. I just need you to try Kagome. Please, tell me that you will try."

He looked at me with me pleading eyes.

My breath hitched in my throat.

"I will."