The remainder of the holiday season went by in a blur, or at least it felt that way to both Hopper and Eleven. Despite how excited she was to celebrate Christmas and New Years with friends she considered family, it was all very overwhelming. Everything about it was new to her; the concept, the traditions, the excitement. El still didn't quite understand how to handle positive anticipation, leading the unidentifiable feelings to present themselves through anxiety. Christmas was one of the best days of Eleven's life. All of her friends came to the cabin to see her, Max and even Dustin, who she hadn't seen since shortly after Thanksgiving. He'd gotten sick after returning home from visiting family out of state, and Hopper didn't want him anywhere near El until he was better. Dustin still had a cough, but suppressed it as much as he could and had a great time exchanging gifts with the rest of the party. Presents were a concept that was foreign to Eleven, so much so that on Christmas morning, she actually mistook the cardboard box underneath wrapping paper as the extent of her present and thanked Jim profusely for it. However overjoyed by the love she was showered in, El didn't sleep at all in the days leading up to Christmas, and she bit her nails compulsively at every chance she got. Hopper did his best to quell her worry, even going as far as letting her sleep (or attempt to sleep) in his bed, and bought her a small pair of cotton gloves to wear when he noticed her bleeding fingertips.
The Party kept in constant contact in the days between Christmas and New Years through their Supercomms, one of which was gifted to both Max and El. With the kids on winter break, Hopper allowed the girl and her friends to roam the woods near the cabin, and the children spent hours outside in the snow and just as many warming up inside by the fire while the man put in some much needed overtime hours. Even though both Hopper and her friends had prepared her for the fireworks on New Years Eve, El still jumped at every loud noise and clung tightly to either Mike or Jim's hand for the entire night. She loved watching her friends light sparklers and smoke bombs, but wanted no part in setting them off herself, choosing instead to watch them do it from the safety of Joyce's porch. They left not long after midnight, and El fell asleep on the couch in Hopper's arms shortly after they returned home. The TV hummed quietly as the man ran his fingers through El's curls, realizing suddenly that he'd found her in the woods exactly one year before.
The girl remembered, too, on a subconscious level, and didn't understand herself when she began feeling and acting differently. Hopper was confused by her change in behavior before he remembered Dr. Owens' advice a few months prior regarding Will and the anniversary of his disappearance. Even though the start of their time together was viewed in a positive light, it was still a painful reminder of the huge change El had gone through, was still going through. Now, a year later, the child had an understanding that what had been done to her in the Lab was not only not normal, but was actually really bad. Coming to this conclusion wasn't met with relief, but instead with very understandable anger.
It was all so unfair. Why had she been taken from her Mama and been hurt at the hands of strangers for over a decade? What had she done to deserve that? What had Mama done? How different would her life be if she'd been raised normally like her friends, in a house with parents and surrounded by love instead of in the depths of a secret government facility with inhumane doctors and surrounded by fear? While she was growing up underground, life on the surface bustled by without a second glance. Nobody knew that she was down there suffering and nobody cared. If she hadn't escaped last year, would anyone ever have known that she even existed? These questions swirled through El's head constantly, keeping her awake well into the night. She was angry; angry at everyone who'd been living a life she didn't even know she deserved to have. There was no one close to her that she wanted to take it out on, and the mere thought of wanting to take her anger out on a person at all scared her. She didn't want to be like her sister, like Kali's gang of vengeful friends, forever furious at the world. She still hadn't told Hopper about going to Chicago or what happened while she was there. He'd be furious, she knew it. El hadn't even told Mike; she wasn't sure she was ready to talk about it with anyone yet. El didn't want to remember what it felt like to be someone that hurt others for pleasure-something she wasn't at all proud of having done-so she swallowed her pain even though it began to eat her alive.
Even though she knew it was misplaced, El couldn't help that her feelings regarding Hopper were becoming increasingly conflicted despite the fact that she was trying hard to keep them in check all the time. She didn't know why her attitude towards began growing unpredictable even for her. Perhaps it was because she so badly wanted to tell him something but was too afraid to do so. El sometimes she wanted nothing more than to be as close to him as possible, to be constantly held and reassured of his love, but then other times she couldn't stand to be near him, slammed her door in his face and rolled her eyes at his every word. The child didn't know how to tell Hopper that she wasn't mad at him when he corrected her while she read aloud, but was instead internally recalling the recurring demands of her childhood to try harder and do better, orders she was often given in the Lab. El either had no appetite or a voracious one, slept restlessly or not at all, and pushed Jim's buttons until he snapped and yelled at her, making her fearful and teary and causing the man to want to rip his own hair out. He hated the stage they were in, with El either clinging to his side desperately or regarding him with annoyance. He never knew which child he was going to come home to; the one that panicked when he was out of her sight, or didn't care if he was there at all.
"I mean, I know teenagers are emotional little shitheads, but this seems extreme." He told Joyce on the porch one night after returning home from work.
It was a week or so into the new year and they were finally getting back into a normal schedule. The kids had returned to school, but still came to visit El every afternoon. Joyce was at the cabin as often as she could be, usually two or three days a week, and she'd noticed a difference in the girl too. El was significantly less talkative than usual, had no interest in the board games she normally loved to play, and had chosen instead to lay on the couch by herself for most of the day, staring at the ceiling and listening to Hopper's small record collection on a continuous loop.
"Well, it is an anniversary," Joyce said. "And the holidays were a lot for her."
Hopper grunted and nodded, taking a pull from his cigarette. The holidays had been a lot for both of them; he was sure he'd never gain back the amount of sleep he lost, or the money he spent on the damn kid. He couldn't help it, he had to-it was her first Christmas. "I've tried giving her space and treating her normally like Owens said, but nothing's helping." He shouldn't have been surprised; no advice he'd ever given had helped El.
"It just takes time." Joyce said, feeling useless for basically saying the same thing. It was true, though. "She spent twelve years in the Lab and she's only been out one."
She was right and Hopper knew it, but that didn't really change anything. "I just wish she'd talk to me. I feel like she's hiding something."
"Have you asked her?"
"No, not directly." Hopper replied. "But I've told her she can always tell me if something's wrong."
"She might not even know what's wrong." Joyce said. "Or how to explain it to you."
The man took another puff before passing her the cigarette. "No Will tonight?" he asked, changing the subject.
"No, they boys all went back to Mike's a little early to work on their science fair project."
"Is that this weekend?" he asked.
"Saturday. I took the time off months ago, I always do."
The man smiled. "Maybe I'll stop by."
"Jim Hopper going to a science fair?" Joyce said incredulously. "If your teenage self could see you now..."
"Yeah, yeah, he'd be appalled at my hair loss and weight gain, don't remind me."
The woman nudged him playfully. "I wasn't gonna say that!"
The two smoked outside until they started shivering, and Hopper walked Joyce to her car after El bid her goodbye, though only with a wave. The man assumed this was a clue into the child's current mood, so he was surprised by her affection when he returned inside. El sat in his lap on the couch through half of a movie before she actually got up and put herself to bed, something that she hadn't done in a long time and surprised Hopper. He had to wake her the next morning for breakfast, but she didn't seem annoyed with him, which was refreshing. El described-in the best detail she could provide-how the boys' science fair project was going, that Dustin had convinced them to construct a model rocket but none of them knew the first thing about building one. The man enjoyed her sudden enthusiasm and relished her conversation, glad she wasn't shutting him out. Hopper was already running late for work when he finally forced himself to put his dishes in the sink and reached for the hook by the door to put on his hat.
"Please don't go!" Eleven whined as soon as she saw him preparing to leave. She sprung from her seat at the table, her half eaten breakfast forgotten as tears began brewing in her eyes.
Hopper stopped buttoning his shirt when she gripped his arm tightly, throwing his head back with a sigh. So it would be one of those mornings. He wasn't sure which he currently preferred; when El ignored him completely or refused to let him leave. The past few days had been filled with the prior, so he was slightly caught off guard by her behavior today.
"Kid, Joyce will be here soon," he said.
"No!" she said, squeezing him tighter. "Don't leave!"
Hopper pinched the bridge of his nose and suppressed a groan, glancing at his watch. Joyce would be there in less than half an hour. He was already late anyway, and he didn't want to risk having her hate him over leaving. "Fine, want me to stay until she gets here?"
El nodded into his arm, and he pulled her into a hug. He wanted to say something, tell her maybe for the millionth time that she could tell him what the hell was wrong, but he didn't want her to get annoyed as she often did now with what seemed like anything he said, so he just held the girl until her hunger got the best of her and she returned to her breakfast. Joyce arrived soon after, surprised to see Hopper still there. El put up a fight when the man tried to leave the second time, again surprising Joyce. The girl had been so indifferent to Hopper when he returned home just the day before; this was a totally different kid.
"El, come on, I have to go to work, you know that." Hopper said, trying to detach the child from his arm.
"No!" she whined, tears rolling fast down her rosy cheeks.
"Kid, Joyce will be with you the whole time, just like always."
"I want you!" she wailed, only squeezing him tighter.
Hopper exchanged a look with Joyce as if to say, see what I mean? He was only met with a shoulder shrug. The woman had no idea what to do either. When Jim finally managed to leave for work, it was only after a twenty minute struggle over letting him out the door, the sound of his daughter's cries following him to the car. Even though he compromised on radioing at lunch and bringing home pizza for dinner and knew she'd be fine at the cabin with Joyce, he still worried about her all day. When Jim hopped into the Blazer shortly after noon to keep his promise, Joyce's voice beat him to it and rang through the receiver.
"Hop?" she called, her voice crackling. The signal at the cabin wasn't that good, especially on El's Supercomm-unless she was helping.
"Joyce? How's everything going?" he asked, immediately concerned. Something was wrong. Why had she called him?
"E...your daughter's running a fever. I noticed it about half an hour ago. I've been calling every few minutes." the woman said.
"Oh, shit." Hopper sighed, his stomach dropping. "How is she otherwise?"
"I can tell she's not feeling well. She keeps asking for you."
The man squeezed the bridge of his nose. Shit! "Alright, I'll head back. Thanks for calling, Joyce."
"Of course, see you soon."
Hopper was halfway home when he realized he didn't have anything he needed for El when she was sick-chicken noodle soup, juice, liquid ibuprofen-forcing him to turn around halfway there. He was as quick as he could be at Big Buy, but as soon as he got back into the Blazer, the receiver blasted a small, teary voice.
"Hoppa?" El was crying, he could hear it.
"Kiddo, what's wrong?" he asked.
"I don't feel good." she sobbed. "Come home!"
"I had to go to the store for some stuff, but I'm on my way right now." Hopper told her.
"How long?" she wailed plaintively.
"Not long, Kid, less than twenty minutes, I promise. Try to calm down, okay?" he said.
El sniffled and coughed over the line, speaking almost frantically between breaths. "I want...you to...be here."
"I know," he said. "Here's what I want you to do. Are you listening to me?"
The girl sniffled, her voice shaky. "Yes."
"Take a deep breath, okay? I want you to get your blanket off your bed and go lay down on the couch with Joyce. Watch TV and just try to relax. I'll be home before you know it. I promise." he said.
It took her a moment to respond. "Promise?"
"I promise. See you soon, kiddo."
The man thought he heard a faint 'yes' in response before the line went dead. He headed home as fast as he could, knowing nobody would question his speed. Before Hopper could even knock at the cabin door, his footsteps alerted Joyce to his presence and she welcomed him inside with a finger to her lips. On the couch, El's sleeping form was curled into a ball under her quilt. Her cheeks were flushed, her eyes were red and swollen, and her hair was sweaty.
"She fell asleep about five minutes after she called you." Joyce said.
"What happened?" Hopper asked when he reached down and felt her forehead, hot to the touch. He knew she'd been in a mood when he left that morning, but clearly it had been more than that, and he felt guilty, like he should've known something else was wrong.
"She never really calmed down after you left. We sat on the couch and tried to watch TV, but she couldn't settle on anything and just kept changing the channel. I started a puzzle, but she got frustrated and didn't want to finish it. I made exactly what she asked for lunch but she barely took two bites of it before I noticed her shivering and felt her forehead. I called you right after that." Joyce explained.
"It comes on so quick for her." Hopper said, recalling the few other times Eleven had been ill. "And she gets so scared. I wonder which one of those little shitheads it was."
"It was bound to happen, Hop, you can't blame it all on the kids." Joyce defended them.
"It was Dustin!" the man said as he snapped his fingers, completely ignoring her. "I knew I shouldn't have let him over on Christmas!"
"Hop, that was, like, two weeks ago!"
"I'm sure she got it from Henderson." Hopper continued ranting. "Goddammit!"
"Well it doesn't really matter who she got it from,." Joyce said, sifting through the plastic bag in the man's grasp and pulling out the bottle of purple ibuprofen. "Do you want me to give this to her now?"
"Nah, let her sleep." Jim responded. She won't take it without a fight anyway. "I'll give it to her when she wakes up."
He unloaded the sick supply and lit a cigarette for himself, picking at the lunch El hadn't eaten. She hadn't finished her breakfast that morning either. Dammit, he should've known. There had been so few occasions of the child being sick that Hopper was still learning her warning signs. Looking back, he could spot more of them now. Crying when he left. Putting herself to sleep and needing to be woken up. Not even wanting to be with Joyce, one of her favorite people in the whole world.
Damn hindsight.
"You don't have to stay, Joyce." the man said even as he passed her a cigarette. "It's your day off."
"Don't worry about it, Hop, I've got nothing else better to do until three." she said, taking it from him.
"But what if Will gets sick?"
"If El really did get it from Dustin, all the kids are bound to get it anyway."
He supposed she had a point. Then, realizing something, said, "I know you usually give them a ride over in the afternoons, but the kids can't come here today."
"I'll tell them. It's probably a good thing, they'll have more time to work on their science fair project."
The remainder of the afternoon went on in the same manner, Joyce and Jim talking and smoking while Eleven fell in and out of sleep. The man managed to get medicine into her about an hour after he arrived, though it took two attempts. During the first dose she was still half asleep and just let it trickle out of the corner of her mouth. After cleaning and sitting her up, she finally swallowed, though she made a face and asked for water immediately following. El's fever came down but she remained on the couch, dozing intermittently. Each time she woke she'd whine for Hopper, and he'd sit with her, rub her back and play with her hair until she fell back to sleep. Joyce stayed until shortly before three, kissing the child goodbye on her cooling forehead. She received a ghost of a smile in return, which was more than she'd gotten from the girl all day.
At Hawkins Middle, four boys clambered into Joyce's car. From the parking lot, the red headed girl holding a skateboard waved to them before she was summoned by a loud honk, glaring in the direction of her step brother's car. Joyce didn't know what had transpired That Night at her home while she was away, but she could still sense an asshole older brother when one was near. Lucas, Will and Dustin smiled and waved in her direction, and Mike lifted his hand half heartedly. He didn't hate Max anymore, and although she was a member of the Party now, went to AV club and ate with them at lunch, he still wasn't sure he considered her his friend.
"So, a little change of plans," Joyce started immediately. "No cabin today, El's sick with a fever. Where am I taking you boys instead?"
Mike protested right away, she knew he would. "What? Why can't we go see her? I'm not afraid to get sick."
"Hop's rules, not mine." The woman replied, though she agreed with them. El was in no position for company at the moment.
"Of course they are." The boy mumbled, crossing his arms with a frown.
"It's fine, we can work on our rocket." Dustin told him. "Ms. Byers, can you take us to Mike's?"
"That stupid rocket was your idea and none of us know how to build it, at this rate we're not even gonna place this year!" Mike accused angrily, taking his frustration out on the closest person to him. "And you're probably the one who got her sick!"
"Hey, it's not my fault I had measles!" Dustin replied defensively. At the child's words, a rock dropped into Joyce's stomach.
The woman whipped around to face the boy at the next stoplight. "Dustin, you had the measles?"
"Yeah, and it felt like shit, thanks for asking, everyone." he said to his friends, then reddening in the cheeks, added to Joyce, "Sorry."
"Right? Who gets measles in middle school?" Lucas retorted.
"Yeah, I got it when I was like, five." Mike added.
Still driving, Joyce eyed the boys in her mirror. "Dustin, are you sure what you had was the measles? I mean, absolutely, totally sure?"
"Yeah, I went to the doctor and everything." He said, "My cousin was sick when I visited them for Thanksgiving, but we didn't know that was what it was."
"Wait, you gave El the measles?" Mike said, elbowing his friend hard in the side. "You asshole! Why'd you even come to the cabin? Trying to get her sick on purpose!"
"No, what the hell?" Dustin said defensively. "It was Christmas, I bought her a gift!"
"Hey, calm down back there, boys. El only has a fever, it could be anything." Joyce said, but even as she spoke the words she bit her tongue. When Jonathan got measles in first grade, three year old Will caught it as soon as his older brother recovered. That had been scary; both boys were sick, and Will had been so young. She remembered running cool baths for her tiny son and having to sit in there with him to make sure he stayed upright.
"Hopper has to let me see her, that's so not fair! I won't even get sick, I've already had it. She's probably scared, and.."
"Mike, quit freaking out!" Lucas said. "She saved the world twice, I think El can handle getting sick."
"And besides, the Chief is with her." Will said.
Mike still had his arms crossed, but was less angry now and more just worried. "I have to call her when we get home."
"She's probably sleeping, honey." Joyce said. "Tell you what, I'll stop by the cabin after I drop you boys off and let you know how she's doing." I also need to tell Hop that his daughter is probably sicker than he realizes.
