Shinji felt his heart fluttering more than it ever had, he wouldn't lie to himself and say it didn't feel a little weird around Rei after that dream but it was like she had warmed up to him today, she gave him small smile with her eyes closed and had taken to forcibly grabbing his hand in hers and giving it a gentle comforting squeeze.
He felt his chest tighten and his cheeks burn. After the recess break the two of them walked hand in hand back to class, they along with Nathan were the first few already in the room. Hikari stood outside the door keeping track of everyone coming back, and he couldn't help but notice the odd look she gave them.
Shinji noticed once he was back at his desk that Rei bent over her own and looked like she was reading something, but then slipped whatever it was back inside it. Then she turned her head towards Nathan sitting at the front alone. Resting her chin on her palm it looked like she gave a long and breathy sigh as her shoulders heaved up before her whole body relaxed.
There it was again that small splinter of doubt, he furrowed his brow and frowned. He fiddled with his thumbs before looking up to see Asuka strutting into class, he couldn't help but think of the time they first met and how confident and bossy she was. It looked like she recaptured that same energy.
Slowly but surely the rest of the kids filed into the class ready for the next lesson, Shinji lazily scribbled in his notebook. But he really wasn't paying attention to Old sensei, he was too focused on Rei who seemed to be honed in on Nathan.
Her body language made her look smaller and nervous, she hugged herself as if she had the shivers and all he could think of was when he cooked her a bento for the first time. How shyly she accepted it, how her cheeks blushed and those small glances she threw his way.
To him from this angle at least it looked like she was giving Nathan those same glances.
He shook his head, trying to dismiss those thoughts. But still some part of his mind kept repeating that dream, he didn't even notice when the lunch bell rang until Rei stood silently at his desk. "Shinji…" she said in her small voice, "Do you want to have lunch with me again?"
Fumbling his things almost dropping them, he looked back up at her. "Sorry Rei… but I didn't have a chance to make lunch last night…"
"Oh." She sounded disappointed and it killed Shinji knowing that he was the reason for this screwup, he saw her eyes grow small as her head lowered, all he could do was shrink in his seat.
Opening his wallet, he saw that he hardly had any cash, he sighed. His stomach growled at him in anger, all he could think about was how much he had screwed up until he felt something poke his back followed by, "Pssst!"
Turning around he saw Kenesuke shoving a small wad of Yen notes in his hands, shocked for a second Shinji held the money, "Kensuke what's this for?" he whispered rapidly into his friend's ear. "C'mon Shinji what're friends for? Besides anything for the happy couple and the least you could do for the nice girl is at least buy her a school lunch." He gave Shinji that trademark Kensuke smile, where he shut his eyes and grinned ear to ear letting out a small chuckle.
"Y-you sure Kensuke? I mean I can just not eat… and I can pay you back later on or I can help you study for that geography test we got coming up."
"Don't worry about it, that's what friends are for. I've got your back and you've got mine. But if you do want to pay me back you could recommend me to Ms. Misato if there's ever a need for a new EVA pilot."
Shinji's nerves slowly started to settle, he felt his hairs fall back into place, even if Kensuke still said that he wanted nothing back and joked about wanting to become the next EVA pilot, he still felt a spotlight on him and a need to match or exceeded this gift Kensuke was giving him. He must have been wearing this look of worry on his face because Kensuke eyebrows arched up and his voice grew serious, "Hey… Shinji is… is everything alright?" he put a hand on Shinji's shoulder. "Yeah, yeah everything's fine." Unbeknownst to him the quiet blue head had snuck away.
Looking back up he saw Rei headed towards the door, to him it looked like she was sneaking a quick glance his way, but he wasn't sure, all he saw was that small loving smile. Getting up Shinji quickly ran after her, his shoes squeaking as he skidded to a stop outside the door, he whipped his head around to see Rei walking down the far hall.
He saw her walking at the far end of the hall just about to reach the stairs, "Rei!" he called out running after her. She stopped just before she placed her hand on the rail and looked over her shoulder, she was wearing her normal face. Calm and collected, lost in her thoughts with all her features as smooth as clay. He couldn't help but think that she almost looked disappointed.
He held up the bunch of notes in his hand, "Hey Rei…" he gasped out breathless, "Kensuke gave me some money, so I guess I can get us some lunch after all. Is bread alright?"
She stayed silent for a second, her features softened as her eyes burned through Shinji looking past him, glancing over his shoulder Shinji saw Nathan standing outside the door staring right back at them. He stayed there until Toji came up behind him snatching him into a headlock, he dragged the boy in black away as he struggled to free himself.
And running after them was Kensuke with his camera in tow giving a wild wave over to the couple, turning his attention back to her Shinji saw Rei's eyes. To him it looked like they were focused in on the trio walking away, but her eyes looked empty, cold and lonely.
Almost like they did when they first met, the only fresh memory of her eyes looking like that was when he fell on top of her. How she looked up at him, like he was nothing.
How what he was doing didn't bother her at all and was just a minor annoyance. Her expression towards him didn't even change, looking back then he felt he could have done anything at that moment, and she wouldn't fight back, and even then when she spoke up her voice was so small he almost didn't even hear her.
Those thoughts twisted his stomach.
Her small questioning request sounded more like a statement anyhow. She didn't even ask him to leave while she dressed or avert his eyes, his chest began to swell and burn remembering that meeting.
His mind snapped back to the present thinking she had said something, but if she did he missed it. "So hey, bread… is that fine?"
Rei returned her attention back to Shinji, "Bread will be fine, whatever you would like."
Walking side by side Shinji couldn't help but feel like there was some aura of icy air hanging around Rei, but he found out that the more distance that he put between him and Rei the better he felt. When she asked him if they should hold hands, he didn't bother answering her, but when she took his hand in hers it was a surprise to him that he didn't squeeze hers back.
In fact, he wasn't sure what he was supposed to be feeling at that moment, all that he knew was he felt heavy. And looking at Rei with her calm stoic face staring right back at him, it felt as if he was holding hands with a stranger. That tiny worrying scratch of doubt at the back of his mind started to itch, and all he could think of was how much her face seemed to light up with life whenever she saw him, and what they had done together in his dreams. He looked to the ground and thought of Nathan, and their talks they had in the dark.
The two of them sat on the rooftop of the school, each one picking at their own loaves of bread taking tiny pieces and popping them in their mouths. Shinji looked down gloomily at his, somehow the outside was slightly burned yet there were pockets that were doughy. He thought about walking back down to the school café and showing the lunch ladies, but he was already up here. Besides now he didn't have much of an appetite.
"Is something troubling you Shinji?"
He shook his head, snapping himself from his thoughts he had forgotten for a second that she was sitting next to him. "I don't really know, I guess maybe. It's just… I know Kensuke said I didn't have to pay him back but I still think I should do something for him or just give him his money back when I can."
"That's not what I was referring to."
Shinji limply tossed his bread aside to a group of huddle birds waiting to swoop in on any spare crumbs, watching the feeding frenzy he tried to collect his thoughts. "I don't know it's just… things seem to be going good for me for once. Or as good enough as they can be but, I still don't feel happy."
Rei sat in silence watching Shinji rest his elbows on his legs leaning forward.
"I have friends, people need me… I have you but still, I don't feel happy. I still have bad thoughts, and I've been having weird dreams lately. You ever have weird dreams Rei?"
Rei looked away from him and stared straight ahead of herself, "I don't know. I don't think I dream often, but I think I do have nightmares or memories."
Shinji looked up at her from the corners of his eyes, he wondered what she dreamt of. Even if she were the kind of person to vent and tell him every little detail about what dreams she was having, he would never tell her about the ones he was having.
"What would make you feel happy Shinji? Would you even know if you were?"
Her question caught him a little off guard, his ears perked up a little at a chorus of voices coming from the courtyard. Walking over to the fence he tried to remember when he last felt genuinely happy, even before his father sent him to live with his Uncle and Aunt, he wasn't even happy then.
Looking down he saw a circle of kids standing around two others, squinting his eyes he noticed that it was Toji and Nathan that they were circling around excitedly cheering on.
In a flash Toji cocked his arm back and rocketed his fist into Nathan's face, knocking the boy to the ground who after a second brushed himself off and stood back up. Gesturing to Toji it looked like he was telling him to him again, harder. Toji obliging knocked the boy's head back so hard it looked like it was going to rip free and soar away, collapsing to the ground the boys around them roared with some primal adrenaline.
Howls of laughter and cries of excitement filled the air.
To shinji it looked more like a scene out of a gladiator or prison movie, where everyone was yelling with pleasure watching the tiny guy get beat down and bleed. It looked like Toji was offering a hand to pick him up to which Nathan batted away and made a 'come at me' motion with his hand. Wanting to be hit again for some reason.
Toji began yelling at him but Shinji couldn't make out what he was saying, Nathan quickly stood up getting face to face with Toji. Toji just walked away from the boy who then walked up behind the taller boy, grabbing his shoulder and flipping him around Nathan sucker punched Toji in the face.
Stumbling back gripping his face Toji yelled once at him before grabbing the boy's black collar and punching him in the gut making Nathan double over, realizing what he did in his anger Toji quickly lifted him up to his feet. Nathan stumbling around side to side yelled loud enough for Shinji to hear, "Again! Do it again!"
The raw scream that he let out hurt Shinji's ears, it sounded like the boy's vocal cords were on the verge of ripping apart and turning into wet guttural choking noises. Shinji cocked his head and listened closer, "No, once was enough and I'll forget the sucker punch! We're even!"
"No we're not hit me again! Do it! Everyone wants it! I fucked everything just punish me already, hit me again! I deserve this!"
He saw a figure step forward trying to separate the two boys from one another, and then Kensuke's voice drifted up. "Break it up guys, enough is enough."
But then Nathan did something that made Shinji's eyes burn cold and grip the chain link fence until he felt the metal biting into his fingers, in a swift move Nathan shoved Toji back and then punched Kensuke square in the nose. The crowd caught the boy with the camcorder who cupped his face, then in an instant the group turned on him.
Out of the group of boys two stepped forward, shoving Nathan to the ground. Not bothering to get back up he let four more join the two in kicking and punching him, he only rolled up into a ball and let them go at it. Until Toji had steadied Kensuke, after checking the boy out he pushed the others off his alleged "friend".
"Why are they doing this?" Rei stood beside Shinji staring down at the boys, her normal gaze seemed more empty and sadder for some reason. "I don't know… Toji punched Nathan and then he just… wanted Toji to keep on punching him. I thought they were all friends."
"Does this have anything to do with the male lactation Toji is experiencing?"
"The what?!" Shinji's eyes bulged at what Rei just revealed to him, feeling that it would be best to ignore whatever that was, he tried to divert the conversation. "Rei do you ever feel happy. I mean sometimes it just seems like you show a little bit of something but other times-." He let his sentence fall flat.
Rei slowly turned her head over to him, she let her head sink. "I apologize if I can't always show what I feel, it's just I'm not entirely sure what some emotions mean. There are times though when my chest feels tight, funny and warm. I think that's what happiness is supposed to feel like."
Shinji returned his attention back to the group of boys leaving the small clump away in the dust as they surrounded and consoled Kensuke. Nathan rolled over his back and stared up at the sky, "Shinji what would make you happy? Is there anyway… I could help?"
Rei turned to face Shinji, leaving one hand on the fence she touched the boy's face who gasped at her touch, in his mind all he could think was how familiar that feeling was. He felt his heart racing as Rei stroked his face, and in that instant, he felt his heartbeat start to slow down.
"Does this make you happy?"
Shinji's eyes drifted over to her hand that rested on his face and then they drifted away, "Can you tell me something Rei? Before I came here… were things better for you?"
Her hand left his face, and now even the summer's dead air felt cold on Shinji's burning cheek. That same hand found a spot over her chest, "I- I really don't have much to compare how much my life is different from then and now. But I prefer things as they are now. Can I tell you something Shinji?"
"Hmm?"
"I'm glad to have met you. You are the first person to care for me and show me how nice it is… to have connections with others. Thank you."
Shinji felt his chest tighten again, "Rei." He gasped out lightly.
"Could I hug you Shinji, would that make you happy?"
Shinji didn't show any objection but he didn't give any affirming answer either, he simply let Rei wrap her arms around his and pull him into herself, he gingerly put his hands around her hips feeling her small figure. "I can feel your heart against my own Shinji."
Shinji pulled her in tighter, closing his eyes and taking in her scent, he felt as if he would collapse into her. He felt a burning sensation throughout his body, but it wasn't the raw knee shaking lust filled drunken feeling he had felt before.
It was a warm comforting feeling like a blanket, something he felt like he had almost forgotten but her scent and the soft way she held him felt as if he was discovering lost memories, the way she held him felt familiar. "I… I… I love you Rei." He whispered in her ear.
Rei simply remained silent staring ahead of her at nothing in particular.
Nathan stayed in his spot in the dirt, letting the blood from his nose drip on either of his cheeks and trickle down the back of his throat. His lower lip was split and stung as the air touched the cut. He could feel his welts start to swell up, in fact everything in his torso felt as if it were covered in bruises. Pockets of his body had the feeling of his blood hanging in clumps under his skin, he turned his head slightly and spat out a glob of blood.
He looked at his red knuckles, he knew punching Kensuke was uncalled for. So was pushing Toji but two punches just weren't enough, not for what he was guilty of. He could give a shit less about what that stupid present did to Toji. He wasn't even going to get him a present, so if he wanted to blame anyone it should've been Kaji.
All he could think about was what he was doing to Shinji, and how much he should be punished for being happy, how he loved being with Rei behind Shinji's back. Then again what kind of self-flagellating asshole was he, did he seriously think getting punched and hurting himself was punishment enough. That hurting his own body was somehow making the two of them even?
Even now after all those guys ganged up on him to protect Kensuke he still felt like it wasn't nowhere near the amount of pain he should be in, even if every little stiff movement he made hurt his bones. Even if his organs felt like they were bruised, pulsating under his skin resting in clumps, they were by no means even.
(How big of a hypocrite are you? You're hurting your friend and think this phony bullshit martyr stuff makes up for it? That if you suffer enough that it makes it okay. How much of an egomaniac are you? Do you really think that you deserve her, that you deserve happiness? You know what a shit person you are, you've ruined everything since you were born.)
"Shut up." he muttered aloud to himself trying to shut out his inner voice.
(Everything you've ever done was crap, oh wait then again what have you done? Nothing, all because daddy stuck you in an EVA for months, you don't even know which of your memories are real. You've done nothing but dream your whole life. And now here you are screwing your friend's girl, oh wait you don't have any friends)
"Shut up. Leave me alone"
(I can't leave you alone, I'm you. I'm just the thoughts you don't want to acknowledge. )
"I do have friends."
(Oh, what the ones you beat up just so they'll hit you back so you can distract you with physical pain so you can avoid just constantly thinking about how much things would've been better if you just had offed yourself your first night in Tokyo 3? Face it once they all see what you've been up to, each one of them will leave you. )
(Nobody likes you or needs you, you can't even name one decent thing you've done. You are just shit, nothing but a burden to these people. At this point killing yourself would just be a gift to them. I'm sure they'll be glad when you're gone, they probably wouldn't even miss you. Someone else will just take your place, and they'll forget about you. They'll probably even like the new guy better. Just do it, how many times have you tried and failed anyhow? Can't you get anything right, you've done nothing good, you give up on everything, the bass you didn't even play it, your writing is shit, you give up on everything eventually. You just stop why because its' too hard?)
The inner voice took on a fake whining mocking tone as it continued to berate him.
(All those things you wrote are just shit, all those things you wrote and put on your walls? Nothing but half-ideas that you thought up and thought they were good. Face the facts you're never going to end up writing them. They'll just be ideas on a wall, just ink on a page, you won't do anything with them. Just do the world a favor and stop, stop everything. Burn the shitty poems you wrote, burn the ones you gave Rei, burn your ideas, burn every trace of your existence then yourself. If only your father could see you now. The failure, the son he never intended to have, the screwup that can't even kill himself. Absolutely pathetic.)
Nathan squeezed his eyes shut and pinched his split lip, digging his fingernail into the cut. His eyes watered and his fingers along with his lip trembled as a thick glob of blood burst over his fingers and down his chin as the skin on his lip tore away. He waited until the warning bell rung then made his way to the infirmary patching himself up, shoving cotton balls up his nose and bandaging his lip.
When he did finally make his way back to class, he didn't bother to look anyone in the eye, chances are the whole school already knew what he had done, even from the front of the class he could hear Kensuke sniffle. Sneaking a quick glance behind him he saw a group of kids huddled around the boy who was trying to tough it out, quickly wiping tears away.
Nathan returned his attention back to his desk and covered his ears, hoping to ignore everything. He shut his eyes and wished the day was already over, wished that Toji and Kensuke never introduced themselves, wished that he could have just remained that unknown kid at the back of the class he had planned on being.
Already he felt tiny strings in his heart tearing away, he just buried his face in his desk. Tearing out a sheet of paper from his notebook he scribbled a quick message in it, wadding it up while everyone was focused on Kensuke, he tossed it to Rei hitting her in the arm who unfolded it.
Not bothering to look at him she slipped it into her desk. Meanwhile after she had done so Nathan saw Shinji turning his head, the two boys stared into one another. Nathan wore a blank stare with his eyes half-closed.
Shinji narrowed his eyes back at the boy, not only did he just see the guy who was in his dreams and the things he had done to Rei and his mother, but now he saw the boy who beat his friends and abandoned them whenever he wanted.
And to him it didn't look like he was showing any sign of guilt, but there was still something in his small eyes. There were looking right back at Shinji conveying some hidden message, he looked different. For a while now he didn't look so sickly or tired like he used too back when he first moved to Tokyo 3.
But now his eyes just looked empty, the way Rei's eyes used to look back before he had started to talk to her and bring her bentos. The boy in black's hand reached to his nose and felt the sopping cotton balls had started to fall out, letting thick trails of blood seep from his nose. Even the bandage on his lip started to fall off, covering his face Nathan walked off with his bag.
All Shinji could think of was that he was hoping his lip hurt, he felt a strange sensation. He looked down to see that he had made a fist against his will and his knuckles were now turning white.
He looked over to Rei who was focusing on the door, the small piece of paper she took out from her desk. He couldn't make out the writing from the back of the class but after she had reread it, Rei put the note back in her desk.
Shinji felt his heart start to slow, and the corners of his eyes sting as his face grew hot. The sides of his head began to throb, he walked down the aisles of empty desks, past Rei and into the infirmary, just as he was about to enter, he swore he heard the echo of footsteps before a door slamming shut.
Walking through the door he saw bloody balls of gauze and medical supplies littering the sink, it didn't take a genius to guess who was here. Shinji walked over to the beds and laid down in one, closing his eyes he rolled over.
He didn't know what was going on anymore, he didn't know why he was having these strange dreams. Or why it seemed like Rei only looked at Nathan in that special way that he wanted her to look at him. The way she looked at him with those glimmering, yearning eyes, the exact same eyes she had in Shinji's dreams.
At the end of the school day Shinji hung back, resting his chin on his palm he stared at Rei who quietly packed her things away. Everyone took their time to leave for once, it wasn't just a mad dash for the door that ended up with people all bunched together stuck in the doorway.
Some of the guys walked by Kensuke and gave him a reassuring pat on the shoulders, and the girls gave him soft smiles as they brushed their hair over their shoulders.
Nobody except for him noticed the blue headed girl leaving the room, he sat there wondering if he should stay and check up on Kensuke. But another part of him wanted to chase after Rei and see where she went. It wanted to know what that note said, and why she looked at his desk, and why Nathan left.
That tiny crack in his mind, that damn tiny itch just wouldn't be satisfied until he finally found out. He looked over his shoulder, everyone was focused on Kensuke, nobody noticed him put his things in his bag. Nobody noticed him leaving his chair, nobody noticed him reaching into Rei's desk before heading out the door. Nobody noticed him leaving the school, as he did all he could think about was that feeling, how it felt being unseen by everyone around him.
He wondered if he made the right choice in leaving school early. Then again, it'd just be a powder keg waiting to blow if he decided to stay, nobody would want him to stay there after the mess he made for himself.
Of course, he did feel bad for what he did to Kensuke the boy who was nothing but nice to everyone it seemed, but only slightly. Keeping his eyes glued to the sidewalk as he scuffled his shoes along until he found himself standing outside of Ms. Ainu's tea shop.
Gazing up at the sign he wondered how he was able to make his way there without having once looked up since his foot hit the last step outside of the school.
He didn't even stop or look up at the crosswalk signs.
Figuring he had nothing better to do, he walked in jingling the bell behind him.
Before the bell jingled for the last time as the door closed Ms. Ainu appeared in a flash ready to serve her new customer but just as she arrived from the back removing her yellow gloves her cheerful disposition was replaced by a look of total confusion. "Nathan? What're you doing here? And what happened to your face?" Her confusion was in an instant replaced by worry as she darted over carrying a wet rag.
"C'mon it's nothing serious Ms. Ainu." He tried brushing her off as she began dabbing at the spots of dried blood he'd missed. After she had her fill of coddling the boy, she relented letting him sit at the counter with his things, he simply told her he wasn't feeling good and left school early and his injuries were just an accident in gym class.
He sat at the leaning over nibbling at some new cookies Ms. Ainu was experimenting with, some kind of shortbread cookies coated in peanut butter and chocolate. He continuously kept popping one after another as he watched her prepare the two of them some tea.
Sighing she turned around letting the brew boil, "Hey I just wanted to apologize, Ms. Ainu. With me showing up on and off… I must be the worst employee you've ever had huh?" he joked. "I've just got some stuff I'm going through."
"I was actually going to apologize to you first… I know we've kinda brushed it off, but I hope things didn't get too awkward for us after my drunken night. I thought that was one of the reasons why you were avoiding seeing me."
He shook his head, "No that wasn't it. I mean you did ask me some uncomfortable things. Honestly that might've been a part of me staying away."
"What exactly did I ask you?" she raised an eyebrow as her face began to burn red in embarrassment wondering what on earth she could have possibly asked. Sighing in exasperation he covered his face up and recounted their little conversation, every little detail of it. Needless to say, neither of them were feeling very comfortable.
Covering half of her face she barely looked him in the eye, "I am so sorry. I had no idea I'd ask you things like that." She let out a half nervous laugh as she tried to diffuse the tension. "Yeah, I mean you kinda seemed dead set on knowing if me and her… well you know. But I'm not sure if you remember me telling you fully or not but, I do love her Ms. Ainu. With everything I have, even despite the circumstance we're in."
Just then her voice grew serious, looking at him out of the corner of her eyes she asked. "What circumstances?"
Nathan instantly grew calmly, and his heart stopped. Beads of sweat started to run down his cold as clay face, he realized what he had just said. He was finally caught.
With his eyes empty and hollow he turned his attention to the counter, he stared at his hands and for a second, he could feel the buzzing warmth of Rei's skin. The light touch of feathered tips from her blue hair, normally that warmth and presence would relax him but now he just felt his heart sinking like a stone.
"Nathan what did you do?"
(It finally comes out)
"What did you do."
Her voice was growing more forceful.
"WHAT did you do!"
She was no longer asking warily, she was demanding to know his sin.
(Remember how much you enjoyed it? You pathetic fuck?)
Please stop. Stop mocking me, he thought to himself.
(Remember how happy you were? How good it felt stabbing him in the back, you enjoyed all of it didn't you? You enjoyed it…)
stop, I feel bad enough… stop don't remind me just let me have this.
(You smiled thinking of how you were with his girl, you loved stealing her from him. You smiled at her and saw her smile back.)
no… we love each other, I'm not a bad person… I just didn't confess soon enough.
(You never deserved to have anyone like him in your life, after all the times he's reached out to you. You're the worst thing to ever exist… just admit it already. ADMIT IT ALREADY!)
I'm sorry Shinji…
"I slept with her… while she's still going out with my friend." He murmured. The shop fell dead silent until the sound of a porcelain dish shattering on the floor echoed. "You what?" she asked her voice shaking with anger trying to hold back the venom she was going to spit at him. "I-I slept with her while she was with my friend."
In a low throaty growl Ms. Ainu could only say, "Get… out."
Hearing this new alien tone from her his body was instantly flooded by fear. "What?"
"Get out of here… now!"
She came storming around the counter, grabbing his bag and his collar she yanked both of them over to the door, "I should've known better once I recognized him in you. I thought you'd be different but you're nothing but the same filth."
"Wait Ms. Ainu I can explain!" he pleaded.
"I couldn't give him a son so he decided it was okay to sleep around with my best friend! What's your excuse!? Get out of here and never come back again!" she flung the door open and tossed him out into the sidewalk making him land headfirst on the pavement, once his bag hit his head.
His chin bounced off the sidewalk scrapping it and embedding small pieces of gravel into it. Whipping around he stayed sitting down looking up at Ms. Ainu who stood with heaving shoulders, her eyes like burning coals.
"Please Ms. Ainu just let me explain!"
"I just thought you were a lonely kind boy, but you're nothing but a cheating bastard. You've ruined and hurt your friend all just because you couldn't keep it in your pants. I hope everyone sees you for what you are. The next time you walk into my store… I won't be responsible for what happens."
With that chilling promise she slammed the door shut, leaving him to sit there out alone. His heart raced as he tried to absorb what just happened, covering his face up he fought the tears back wishing he could go back in time and change what he said, wishing that he hadn't just burned down this bridge.
Wishing that he told Shinji all those nights ago his feelings for Rei, wishing that they were together from the start or that he had just died in her arms… whichever inconvenienced the least amount of people.
It didn't take Shinji that long to catch up to the blue head, he recognized the street address that was scribbled on the paper, it was somewhere near the mall but he failed to remember the building.
"Meet me here after school…" that was all the note said, nothing else but the way she looked at him after he had left made Shinji's mind into a storm. He made sure to stay at least a half-block behind Rei, thankfully her hair made it nigh impossible to lose her in the crowd.
Whenever he got the creeping feeling that she was going to look behind her, Shinji would duck down behind someone or step into an alley or a bus stop hanging his head down trying to blend in with everyone around him. He was constantly fighting the urge to just run up behind her and grab her shoulders, turn her around and ask her what was she doing.
Swallowing down those feelings he kept pressing on, his long-determined strides eventually turned into a meek shuffle as the soles of his shoes scrapped along the sidewalk. As the streets became less populated, he kept compulsively eyeing the note with the address, his mind raced at every single possibility.
Only when his eyes returned back to Rei's head did his heart skip a beat panicking over how much time he spent staring at the note before diving behind something to hide and catch his breath. He felt his heart ramming itself into his chest and his stomach felt as if it was the one being filled with air while his lungs shrank, losing the fight for life with it.
He felt his eyes bead with tears, the sides of his head hurt, his sides hurt, his stomach and chest hurt. Everything was just aching, cold and hot he just felt tired beyond all belief. He looked at the address once more, then daring to peak out from the wall he was hiding behind eyed Rei and her surroundings. His eyes drifted to the street sign, then to the diner that lay at the end of the road.
So, that's the place. Shinji took a breath trying to steady himself but just as he took one step out his knee bumped into a trash can at the very corner he was hiding behind. And with the ear-splitting clatter and banging his heart stopped and his eyes went wide as Rei stopped dead in her path. Perking up she slowly turned around.
Rei must have turned her head no more than a nanometer before Shinji dove into the alley, knocking trash cans, bottles and bikes over. He scrambled over the mess hiking his feet above his waist as he waded through the mess he was making as he desperately tried to hide, his heart racing as he heard soft footsteps along with a small passive, "Hello?" following behind him.
Shinji slammed his back against a dumpster, grabbing his things and holding them close to his chest, as loud huffs left his mouth, with each exhale and inhale his back lightly slammed against the sheet of metal that hid him. It might have been a soft thudding noise but to him it might as well have been thunder.
"Hello? Is someone there?" Rei had already made her way to Shinji's alley. His eyes bulged as his hands clasped over his mouth, he ceased all movement and sank into the piles of garbage bags he was nestled in, fighting against the small poking and prodding pains of who knows what he shut his eyes. He didn't even dare breathe.
Instead he slowly rolled to the side trying to hug the wall, deciding the best place to hide would be the small space between the dumpster and the brick wall. He couldn't stop his nerves from shaking and twitching under his skin, his stomach shrank and began to burn. He tried to hide his movement underneath the small clatter and noises Rei made as she inched her way closer to Shinji's hideout.
"Is someone there, who are you?"
Shinji slowly backed up behind the dumpster, plugging his noise and stifling his gags as he heard a small thunk. Rei had braced her hand against the dumpster and was now making her way past it, he sat in horror wondering how she hadn't heard his racing heart by now. Already its racing thunderous clapping was making his head throb in pain. He squeezed his eyes shut bracing himself to be discovered by Rei.
"Rei, what are you doing down there?" a familiar voice.
Shinji's eyes went wide, carefully turning his head around he saw Nathan standing down at the mouth of the alley. Rei clattered back down towards him, carefully stepping over the knocked over trash, "Sorry, I just thought I heard something or someone down here."
On the last foot to him she tripped over something and collapsed, but before she could make contact with the ground Nathan grabbed her at the last second and brought her in close to his chest pulling her in close he stared deeply into her eyes. "Thank you."
He nodded quickly to her soft voice. Shinji saw him help her find her footing. But then there was that smile, that small smile where even her eyes looked like crescent moons or tiny glowing stars. That smile that was filled with nothing but love and adoration, that lustful smile that she only ever gave him. His heart sunk as he saw Rei lift one hand and carefully touch his face, letting her fingers dance along his features.
Already her face took on a look of confusion and worry as her eyes shimmered with sadness, she softly stroked his hair. But then he gripped her hand and looked side to side, as if he felt eyes spying on the two of them. Shinji ducked down further into the piles of trash, trying his best to stifle the gags that were building up from the combination of things that were marinating and cooking in their own juices under the summer sun.
He felt his stomach lurch and heave, back and forth as it squeezed itself into a tight ball sending a clump of vomit creeping up the back of his throat, swallowing it his eyes bulged out as he watched Nathan's alarmed eyes and eyebrows settle.
Letting her hand fall to her side he nodded towards the little fifties style burger restaurant, he left a few steps before her, but Rei took long strides to catch up to him and both of them quickly disappeared from Shinji's view. And the second he lost eyes on them he threw caution to the wind and took off from his hiding space to the very wall they disappeared behind.
Just as he did, he heard Rei's soft voice ask Nathan something back with his short reply. He didn't catch any of the words either of them said until he poked his eye around the corner, then he heard Rei reply with, "Then we shall do this."
Slowly and with care Rei moved her small hand near Nathan's, twisting her wrist she stretched out her slender pinkie. At first, she stroked his bony digit and once his pinkie stopped twitching out of fear and settled caressing her's back. She intertwined both of their fingers together and linked the two of them.
He turned his head and gave her a small smile on his face, with his head tilted down. The way he often did, as if he was hiding his face, hiding his happiness. But then slowly he lifted his head until it was level with Rei's. His dark eyes shimmering at her as the couple walked together in the setting sun. Shinji felt his chest crack open, the hand that he was using to brace himself against the wall went limp and his forehead slumped against the brick wall.
His legs slowly buckled out from beneath him and he slid his forehead down the wall scraping his skin in the process until there was a crescent-like cut above his left eye drawing a thin line of dark red blood that dripped off his eyebrow and just underneath his eye.
And when the tears he was fighting to hold back were finally released and they mixed in with that small dot of blood it ran down like a red river off his face.
"No, no, no it can't be. Rei she wouldn't do this to me. I-I- I love her. We're together… but why does she look at him like that. And I've never seen him look at anybody like that… never seen him look at someone with so much life in his eyes."
Shinji cupped his face with one hand wiping away the tears while also smearing the blood over his cheek, he stayed in the ally on his knees watching the couple sit in a window booth across from one another. He saw Nathan order for the two of them and showed Rei her milkshake and how to eat it with fries, offered her the cherry off his shake.
The small relaxed movements they made, how Rei leaned on one of her hands and seemed to sigh giving him a small smile while he moved his hand slowly across the table towards hers. Shinji's mind flashed to every little moment him and Rei shared, then to the ones that her and Nathan shared. How she cradled him when he was dying, all those times he walked in on her at his side while he was in a coma.
It seemed like he was trying to steal her from him right from the start. Then something suddenly hit Shinji, he dug in his pocket for his wallet and pulled out his NERV ID. He remembered the day he asked if it would work on the living quarters that Rei and Nathan were sharing. Getting up shakily he took off running towards the nearest train station, his knees pounding on the pavement as he tried to outrun his suspicions.
But now to him it looked like his worst nightmares were becoming true.
Rei sat in the red cushioned booth staring at the scenery around her. The white and black tiling, the small neon glowing lights and the jukebox in the corner. Her eyes couldn't focus she kept looking around at all the color the dining room had to offer her. But then her eyes fell back onto the ice cream shake, she didn't know what to order so she let Nathan decide for her.
Before her stood a white ice-cream shake that had bits of crushed cookie in it along with bigger chunks of some cookies call Oreos. To top it off there was a tower of whipped cream with a cherry on top and a circular ice cream sandwich the size of her palm that looked like it had even tinier chunks of the cookies inside of it.
She stared down at the small cherry stem she had in her hand.
"I like 'em and all but do you want it? If you've never had cherries, you might like it."
She replayed that little scene in her head maybe a dozen times.
"Uh- Hey Rei. You're chewing on the stem again."
Rei's head snapped back to reality and the first thing she saw was the small bit of cherry stem sticking out of her mouth. Taking it out she wrapped it up in a napkin.
"Sorry… it just still tastes sweet."
He gave her a small smile, taking a fry he scooped up a big portion of shake onto it, his eyes going wide at the flavor he asked her. "So, what's better? Fries with ketchup or ice cream?"
At the center of them was a small dish with a pile of smeared ketchup, she had liked the slight sweet, tang and spice the ketchup had to offer.
But the mix of the salt and ice cream was just too good to pass up.
"I think… the ice cream is just a bit better."
"Glad you liked it."
She looked up at him, and saw his head tilting forward with a small smile on his face. She wondered why it seemed that he always tried to hide his smile whenever they were out in public together, only whenever they were along did it seem that he could look at her with his head high with that small smile he had. The one where the corner of his right lip curled slightly up, barely a hair's length up, but she could tell that he was smiling.
The fact that he only seemed to do this for her made it that much special but still she wished that there was more they could do in public or some other way for them to let each other know how much they cherished the other. Her eyes drifted off to the other couples that sat around, other couples that looked around their age or a little older.
In the far-off corner she saw an elderly couple, all small and wrinkled with a small black and white photo above them. A small sign read best customers of fifty years above them, she guessed that the people in the photo must have been the couple when they were younger. And there it was that small cold empty feeling in the center of her chest.
The one that made her feel like she was going to collapse in on herself until she disappeared. The one that made her nerves feel cold as stone.
Her eyes drifted over to a younger couple that were middle schoolers just like them. The boy sat leaning forward on the table staring dreamy eyed at his girlfriend while the girl sat cross-legged her foot swishing while she played with her hair wrapping it around one of her fingers. In fact, the more she looked at the other couples they all seemed to share similar ways of showing their affection or paying attention to the other.
She looked at the two of them, she was sat up straight and rigid with her hands in her lap while he leaned over the table, with his arms crossed and covering his chest.
She felt her head start to fall forward and a frown start to take over her face, she wondered why the two of them couldn't be like the other people sitting around them.
In a swift move she swung her right knee over her left one bumping the table rattling the glasses and plates on it, leaning forward she tilted her head and with her free hand slipped her finger into her hair and began to wrap her short blue locks around it.
"What are you doing Rei?" he asked looking a bit alarmed.
"It's what everyone else is doing and they look happy… I just want us to be happy like them. No one we know knows us here, I just don't want to be afraid to show you how I feel. I just want to have others see how happy we are together."
Nathan looked around to the other couples and felt a pang of guilt about not being able to do the things she wanted to do. He stretched his hand across the table taking her in his giving it a reaffirming squeeze. "Hey, I'm sorry that I can't be or do the same things as everyone else. It's not like I don't want to or anything but… I look at us and I don't see us as being normal…"
Normal… Rei's eyes dropped from his and she felt cold again. She felt her skin crawl, cold she always felt cold like clay. Hearing him say that just made her feel even more hollow.
"But you know who cares about being normal?"
She felt her ears perk up. "What?"
"Who cares about being normal Rei? I mean what about us or our job is normal? And besides knowing that I have Japan's only true bluenette is pretty nice. That and every night I get to look in your ruby eyes and know that I'm the only guy who gets to enjoy being your other half." He let his thumb slowly massage the top of her hand, a small smile formed on her face. "C'mon lets finish up before it gets dark out."
The couple left just as the sun set and as soon as they began the walk home they caught sight of the streaks of violet in the sky that had made their way from the black cube that rested in Africa. "Are you seeing this Rei?"
"Yes… it's beautiful. I never thought I'd see such color."
He looked at her as she gazed at the night's sky, taking a look for himself he thought the stars seemed just a little brighter. Taking her hand in his he gently pulled her down the street, "Hey let's go to the park for a bit. Find a spot and lay down, take in the scenery."
"Shouldn't we head back home though?"
He smiled that little smile that he only gave her, gently caressing her cheek letting his thumb trail along to just under her lips and chin he said softly, "Hey we've got all night. And who knows when we're gonna have another chance like this. Let's enjoy it."
They walked hand in hand until they found one of the many city parks but when they found the entrance it was padlocked shut. "Damn it, you serious?" he griped as he shook the gates before kicking the lock with his heel.
"I guess this means we'll have to go home."
Nathan looked at Rei out of the corner of his eye, feeling disappointed that he let her down, that he built her hopes of them enjoying this wonderful moment together just for it to get ruined. Looking at the top of the gates he guessed it must've been twelve or ten feet off the ground. Taking his bag, he began to swing it as he sneered at the gate.
"Like hell."
Throwing the bag over the fence he walked up to it and wedges his sneaker tips in between the holes and began to pull himself up until he reached the top throwing his right leg over he felt the pang of his muscles and nerves twitching, he let out a sharp small gasp as his left leg made it over.
Feeling a nerve run down his leg twitch he lost his grip and feel on his heels and butt, landing hard in the dirt he felt the air leave his lungs. Rei crashed into the gate, "Nathan." She cried out.
Grunting as he pushed himself up to his feet, brushing the dirt off he hobbled over to the fence. "I'm fine, just my stupid leg. Here pass me your bag through the crack. Then just climb over, hop off and I'll catch you."
Rei looked at the fence and the sign warning of loitering after hours. "But the sign says we're not supposed to be here."
"I know what the sign says, but c'mon who's gonna know we were even here?"
He walked up to the chain links and wrapped his fingers around them standing in close face to face with her. "Besides… today's been not one of my better ones. I just want to forget about today. The only good part of it was meeting with you today and getting to be with you out here. It felt like we were a real couple for once. Like we didn't have to hide or sneak around, and I just want to do this one last thing with you up here."
Looking down Rei stepped forward and slid her bag through the gap in the fence then slowly began to climb up and when she got to the top throwing her leg over Nathan caught a view of what her skirt hid, feeling his face burn out of embarrassment he looked to the ground.
It wasn't until he heard Rei utter, "Catch me." In her small flat voice did he look back up to see her back falling towards him with her uniform fluttering around her like a bird's wings.
Stretching his arms out he felt the crooks of her legs and back fall right into his grasp, before she neared the ground any more he hugged her tighter to his chest and stumbled back almost bending his spine to a ninety degree angle. Rei's eyes shot open wide as she gripped his shirt tightly. Her heart beating like a hummingbird's didn't calm down until she felt Nathan's slow, heavy beating in her shoulder.
"See… told you I'd catch you."
She turned to look him in the eye and saw the shine that only gleamed whenever she looked into them. She felt her chest and face burn when she realized that he was carrying her bridal style. "Here let me set you down."
"No."
Her sudden commanding voice, made his heart skip finding out that he liked this demanding forward side of Rei. "Carry me like this please."
As she wrapped her arms tighter around his neck he squatted down and let her grab their bags and set them in her lap, he felt his heart race faster as she pulled herself closer to him.
Running his chin on the top of her head he felt his chest swell as he started the walk to a clearing where they both stretched out under the stars watching the steaks of light that twisted and warped in on themselves. Almost like they were dancing.
Rei was stretched out flat on her back with her arms at her side, turning her head over to Nathan she saw that he was resting his head on his left hand with his right arm draped over his stomach. She looked back to the lights in the sky, she felt easy for once. But even with the beautiful lights in the sky her mind wouldn't settle.
"I apologize."
Nathan rolled over on his shoulder, "Apologize for what Rei?"
"For the things I've done. I've tried to do things I thought you'd like. I've tried to act like and say things that I've seen from other people. But whenever I do these things even if I see you smile… I still feel hollow."
"So that's where you got squeeze me from?"
"I'm sorry." She rolled over facing away from him. He faced away from her for a second feeling disgusted with himself knowing those little mannerisms and lovely dovey stuff she did for him was just hurting her. He really was a selfish prick.
Rolling over he threw his leg over her waist and nestled down atop of her. Burying his head into her shoulder hugged her tightly, "Rei don't ever change for me. Nobody has anything on you."
Pulling his head back Rei slowly turned her head towards him and saw him lift a hand to her cheek, "You're perfect the exact way you are. That's who I love, no one else."
He followed up with a light kiss to her forehead. Feeling a small spot of warmth coming from the center of her forehead and coat her body Rei sprang to life and wrapping her legs around his waist rolled him over pinning him to his back. She sat upright in his lap looking down at him who stared up at her with his mouth slightly open.
From his view of her, Rei rested under the moon which only made her white skin glow brighter, and he must have been seeing things but he swore he saw some kind of aura or light coming from behind her head that wrapped around her like a dome.
And it was encompassing both of them, before he knew what was going on, he felt his hands slide up to her hips and grip them. He felt her light touch on his wrists, closing his eyes he felt warm and safe once again. If he could he just wanted to sleep right there with her holding him, with her wrapping him up.
But then he got a strange feeling, his head started to hurt like it was being squeezed and he grimaced. He started to twitch underneath her but once he felt her start to move down to him his racing heart settled, opening his eyes he saw her giving off a small smile with warm welcoming eyes. She parted her lips slightly and connected them with his own.
Bringing him in tight, he felt safe once again and wrapped his arms around her back pulling her deeper into his waist, and once they parted, she whispered in a low voice. "Can we head back home now? I'd like to be alone with you now."
So, here's the part all the cliché drama has been building up to. There will be two chaps a SFW and a NSFW version of Shinji discovering just what Rei and OC have been up to, the safe for work version is gonna focus more so on Shinji's feelings and pov while the NSFW version will focus on the couple and their feelings
Shinji stood outside the door in NERV HQ, his heart pounding, his mouth dry. No matter how many times he licked lips his throat just felt dryer and dryer. His chest felt like it was burning up as if he had a shirt full of coals, pinching it he quickly shook it in an attempt to fan himself.
He was so sure that he'd have the courage to go through with this… to go to their home and see for himself. But now that he stood outside of their door, he felt his whole body shake and his insides sink. Part of him still wanted to go through with it and see for himself.
But another part just wanted to run away from the door and carry on with the way life was already going not carrying about the truth whatever it was. "I'm not gonna run away, not now. Besides I just have to know." With his voice breaking he pulled out his ID card and slipped it into the reader. Seeing the light turn a bright green and beep, he walked past the door just as it whooshed up. Hearing it slam down behind him, he shuddered his nerves feeling like ice.
"I hope that was the hard part." Reaching for his phone he turned on the flashlight.
Sighing he started to walk around the kitchen shining his light on every surface. And what he saw felt like a throwback, there were small piles of dirty dishes and the trash seemed like it was slowly overfilling.
Already it looked like there was more dust than anything else in the room.
"You'd think living with someone they'd pick up better habits."
He continued his investigation going upstairs already his heart beating echoed in his eardrums it was the only noise he could hear. The loud thundering booming, that rattled his ribs.
With each step up the stairs he felt his breathing become more erratic, he felt lightheaded as if he were going to faint. He wasn't even sure now if he wanted to go any further, already it felt like his heart had been growing some kind of tumor on it that had a beating of its own. He was sure at any second, he was just going to collapse and die.
When he finally reached the top of the stairs, he had to brace himself against the wall, already it felt like he was going to collapse. But then his eye was caught. An unnatural bright glow coming from the bedroom, his heart started to race, and it felt like his muscles were reenergized.
He ran up and down both halls to see four other empty rooms plus another bathroom and the only one that had any signs of life…was the one with two bed mats pushed together with underclothes thrown all over the room.
The two beds seemed to be glowing a white aura that almost seemed to be in the shape of an octagon.
But there it all was for him to see. The blankets clumped all over together, sheets that never looked washed but the most damning evidence he saw made him collapse to his knees. At the foot of the bed was a pair of girl's underwear coated with something that could only be made from a guy. "No… Rei… please no…" he whimpered out, falling in front of the two beds.
His whole body started to shake as he couldn't fight back anymore, already his tears were starting to fall out. "Please no… not her. She couldn't… she wouldn't."
Pushing himself up he started to sniffle and choke, he looked around blurry eyed, shaking his head in denial. Whipping his head over he saw the side of the room that was clearly Rei's, his heart leaped into his throat as he stumbled over.
Pulling drawer after drawer out he searched for more evidence but once he pulled the drawer out that had all of the condom wrappers in it, he collapsed beside a closet and curled up, already his head had begun to hurt. And his chest felt like a hole had been punched into his chest and already it felt like his heart had stopped but he was still alive.
And already that small younger voice was calling out to him again.
'Did you really think that she loved you? Do you really think that we're deserving of love? Even Auntie and Uncle didn't love us, not really. We were nothing but a burden to them. Father just dumped us on them.'
"Shut up! Shut up! This isn't real! This is just another nightmare. Any second I'm gonna wake up, I just need to wake up."
'But you're already awake.'
"No I'm gonna wake up any second. Rei would never do this to me. I love her and she loves me."
His eyes sealed shut as he brought a hand to wipe his face, but then through the wet choking gasps he made he heard something… something downstairs, the whooshing of the door.
Then two voices drifting up to the bedroom, "So I'll just hop in the shower real quick okay?"
Shinji's hearted started to race he rushed to close all the drawers and put everything back to the way it was, his mind was a whirlwind as he tried to remember the room the way it was when he walked in. But all he could think of was the signs for Rei's infidelity with someone who was supposed to be his friend. But now what was he supposed to do?
There was no way for him to escape now. The wood flooring under the residents' feet creaked as they got closer and closer, his head whipped around until he saw a closet on Rei's side near the door to hide in. For the most part it looked empty so there was probably a slim chance that she would open it up, seeing he had no other option he hopped inside and quietly shut the door. He crouched down and covered his mouth to mask his breathing.
I'm nothing but scum, I never deserved her. I never deserved anyone.
He thought to himself.
He soon heard the sound of the shower squeaking to life and then Rei walked into the room, she was already unbuttoning her school uniform letting it fall off her not bothering to pick it up and hang it. She slowly unbuttoned her dress shirt and just as she reached the two mats stopped and stepped out of her underwear. No matter how badly he wanted to keep his eyes shut, Shinji couldn't help but ogle her.
Stop that! She's a person! She deserves better than this you scum!
But no matter the self-beratement he threw his own way he couldn't help but stare at her as she looked down to the beds having a hand over her chest she sat down smiling. Her whole body seemed to glow white like the moon, her eyes bright red seemed to almost light up the room.
Shinji heard the shower head squeak shut as the wet splatter of feet hitting the ground came closer then Nathan emerged from the doorway, with a towel hanging loosely around his bony hips with a small towel furiously drying his hair. Shinji stared at him and noticed those faint muscles, somehow between the extremes of emaciation and lean.
He tossed the towel off into the dark somewhere not caring where it went. Then he plopped down beside Rei, who shut her eyes and gave him a warm and endearing smile.
The two of them leaned their faces close together, softly rubbing their foreheads and noses against one another until Rei leaned in for a tender kiss to which Nathan brought his hands up to her face and pulled her in tighter. They parted with a small wet smooch, Shinji's eyes widened at the two who just continued to eye one another up and down, give small touches and caresses to. Nathan took her face with both hands and Rei placed her hands on his wrists, smiling at him as he took a shaky breath in.
"You are so beautiful Rei. You are the only good thing I have in my life, if I never met you… I don't know what would happen to me. But when I'm with you, things feel a little better. Even thinking about a life with you later on… it kinda makes me happy."
"A future? The two of us?"
"Yeah, just the two of us."
Shinji couldn't help but notice that even though Rei was giving him a small smile she still looked like she wanted to cry. "Thank you." She replied letting her hand rest on the center of his chest, "For what?"
"Being."
Shinji saw Nathan give her a small understanding smile before he started to kiss her once again, he could barely make out what happened next since he only had a few narrow slots to look through. But he saw his head trail down her neck, but once his head went to the front of her chest darkness shrouded what he was doing.
All he could hear was a smooching noise, along with Rei moaning softly. She swayed side to side as if she were losing control over her body or was melting.
She lifted one hand that disappeared behind one of the small wooden boards, while she leaned back when a hand popped out resting on her left shoulder. Rei's eyes were squeezed shut as her mouth parted slightly letting her voice escape, "Mmnh. Mmnh. Mmnh."
Then she let out a small pained gasp before whispering something, Nathan's head popped back into view and the two continued their talk that Shinji couldn't make out, he tried to rest his ear against the door but once the wood creaked ever so slightly he backed off deciding against that course of action.
When Shinji reset his line of sight, he saw them eyeing Nathan, then Rei leaned in and started to kiss his jaw and neck getting in closer to him, he let out sharp gasps and Shinji felt his face flush and chest burn. 'What am I doing? I can't be doing this, they can't be doing this. Who's the worst here?'
Shinji's mind felt like someone poured battery acid on it but once he felt the rush of blood and heat, he knew that he was the real scum here. Then Shinji saw that small smile on Rei's face the same one she gave to him after he rescued her from their fight with Ramiel, that small smile that meant he was the only thing in the world. The one that meant she saw only him.
'No! She's not like this, Rei would never do anything like that!' Shinji screamed in his head. The many expressions that took over Rei's face, her excitement, happy and desire smiles that took over Rei's face seemed fully out of place for Shinji, never seeing these kinds of looks on the normal stoic and unreadable blue haired beauty.
But it was that small smile that was previously his that hurt the worst.
And then her head disappeared as she was giving off a soft hum that made Shinji's skin buzz with warmth, and once Nathan's moans and sharp wincing gasps entered Shinji's ears, he squeezed his eyes shut and slapped his hands over his ears. And that little self-loathing voice that Shinji had tried to drown so many times finally came to the forefront.
Shinji clenched his fists as images of Rei flashed in his mind, and with each moment getting sweeter and more heart-warming than the last the fact he was seeing this new Rei hurt more, the Rei he saw… his own perception of her was dashed to pieces. This was an entirely different person to him… or was this just a side of her that he never got to see?
'You knew this before even coming, here didn't you? Why'd you even bother, you're worthless why wouldn't Rei go with someone else. Someone better? Just look at her, her face, her smile. Listen to them, you never had a chance with her. You'll never be loved like that by anyone much less even liked. We see what's going on downstairs, you know you want to.'
"No… I don't just leave me alone." He whispered to the voice.
'You can squeeze your legs together all you want, but you know what'll make it feel better.'
Then like a man processed he kept eyeing the two and giving into the voice, unbuckled his pants and began to pleasure himself.
'There you go you, pathetic shit.'
"Shut up." his chest ached as he gasped.
'This is as close as you'll ever get to anyone… much less Rei.'
Shinji's heart pounded so furiously he felt it in his hand as his pace quickened, cupping his free hand over his mouth to hide his gasps he felt like his whole lower half had a fever and the more he worked the more he was relieved.
The more he looked up through the cracks seeing what they did the more excited he became, gasping and huffing as he lowered himself to his stomach, his hips driving into his tight fist.
He groaned quietly as he rolled over to his side then his back, eyeing the two even in the dark he could faintly see what they were doing, but they were so wrapped up around one another he was having a hard time telling where one body began and the other ended.
His jaw clenched down and he was certain he heard a crack, eyeing them almost hungrily he quickened his pace to where he didn't know whether he should have been in pain or pleasure. Shinji saw both of their heads moving in synch.
He shut his eyes until the sound of flesh colliding met his ears, opening them wide he was greeted by the image of Rei's pale butt. With Nathan sitting up staring deep into Rei's eyes with his eyes half shut letting out gasps as his chin sunk to his chest, he pulled Rei closer to him both of them crying out holding onto one another.
With each passing second both of their movements quickened and Shinji kept pace, imagining Rei, Asuka, Hikari, Misato whoever if it meant feeling good.
His quiet gasps sped up as he saw the two run their hands on the other, and just as Rei arched her back so far it looked like she would snap in half with her eyes wide Nathan's hands that where just under her waist slid up to her shoulders yanking her towards him pulling her deeper into his hold just as both screamed out and just hearing her voice sent Shinji over the edge his small cry was drowned out by the other two voices and as he felt his hips drive towards the sky.
For one brief moment like his heart stopped and in his tight grip he felt a thick warm sensation as his fingers felt gross and sticky making his stomach twist into knots. With his pants around his knees Shinji tiredly looked to his hand.
'Cuck'
"Shut up" Shinji wheezed, out of breath his heart seemed to go from a million miles per second to dead still suddenly and he was still trying to recover. His eyes fluttered as he heard them talking, fighting off sleep he listened in.
"So… (hau, hau, hau) how was that (hua) for you Rei?"
"Mmnh, it was nice. Being close to you again, feeling your love. That warmth… of being united with you, but there was something else."
"What?"
"I can still feel your heat. Inside my body leaving a trail out of me. It's going to my heart, but it feels like it's building in one spot."
Shinji heard rustling followed by soft kisses, "I've never felt this sensation, I feel closer to you. Thank you for this… I- I love you."
"I love you too Rei."
Shinji's eyes fluttered shut, he lost all time until he woke up. Checking his watch, he saw that it was almost ten 'o'clock, he started to panic until he heard the soft moans coming from outside his hiding spot. Peering through the openings he saw Rei collapsed on top of Nathan, both of them were dead asleep. He was holding her tight to his chest.
"I'm so disgusting." He mumbled to himself, pulling his pants up he gathered his bag and got ready to move. Slowly sliding the doors open he tiptoed out trying his best to be quiet, fighting the urge just to run out. But once he made it past the door and was in the corridors of NERV he felt his chest being crushed, the whole walk back home he had one hand cupping his face as he cried.
Cried over Rei and what a disgusting thing he was.
But once Shinji had left Nathan had begun to stir, his eyebrows raising over that small noise he thought he heard. Sitting up he woke Rei who began rubbing her eyes, eyeing the shadows his gaze landed on the closet that was cracked slightly.
It shouldn't have been open. it was never open. His heart began skipping as he stood up walking over to it.
"What's the matter?"
Nathan didn't bother answering her question as he slid the doors open.
The moonlight shone down on a small plastic ID card. Picking it up he saw the portrait and feel to his knees, he began rocking back and forth his chest sinking into his stomach until he vomited on the floor.
He began shaking violently, sweat had already started to form on his forehead. He felt Rei's cold touch on his shoulders.
"What's wrong?"
He lifted the ID card for her to see… they had been found out.
