Disclaimer: This contains real dialogue from the Bribe Chapter, of Deathly Hallows. Wouldn't be a HP Lupin story without this part, quite frankly it's one of my favorite parts of the entire series, where Harry calls Lupin out for how much of a coward he's being, thinking of abandoning Tonks.
White knuckled from clenching his fists too hard and gritted teeth from his immense effort to remain silent, Remus's hunched form exuded an animosity that was like acid—burning, slicing, and potent. His face was white with suppressed rage, and when Tonks even sent a gentle finger on his shoulder to give that usual reassuring squeeze that calmed him down most of the time, he swung around and mentally snapped at his wife. They'd barely managed to Disapparate with their lives. "What were you thinking, Dora?" he shouted, balling his hands into fists. "You—you're not like me, you're not Kingsley. Don't forget you're pregnant! Are you stupid? No. You're not. You're just a bit thick in the head, Dora!" he yelled, feeling his face go ashen as it drained of whatever color was left. Silently fuming in his anger, he ran his hands through his tuft of brown hair in anguish and turned away from Tonks as she kicked off her shoes and sat at the foot of their bed back in her little apartment.
Tonks stared, hardly daring to believe what she was hearing. She looked as though Remus had slapped her, her mouth slightly agape.
"I was there, just like the rest of you. I had to do something!" she retorted hotly, her arms folded across her chest, her legs crossed. "It shouldn't matter that I'm pregnant or not, don't forget, I'm an Auror. I can take care of myself." Tonks huffed in frustration, glowering at him.
Lupin felt the last vestiges of his patience snap and that was when he lost it. "I DON'T CARE THAT YOU'RE AN AUROR!" he yelled.
Flustered, Tonks was rendered speechless at his outburst. She could handle his fiery outbursts, those tended to burn bright and fast. It was these bitter cold moments that threatened to engulf their relationship.
There was a cold burning to Remus's rage, an ice that scared Tonks. She'd seen that look in his eyes before, but never directed towards her. It was how he showed his hatred, dominance, and imparted fear on his enemies, namely Greyback. She'd seen the same look in his eyes the night he rescued her. In one stride, he was in her face. "You—you impossible idiot!" he growled, and for just a brief moment, the shadow of the wolf crossed his handsome features, making him look truly terrifying to her.
Tonks was given no time to react as he caught her head in his hands and kissed her. She was suddenly rendered frozen as his mouth covered hers. His warm lips were gentle but firm, passionate in his anger at her.
Remus drew away quickly. "Don't you get it?" he growled angrily.
Tonks could hardly swallow. Heat engulfed her body as a light blush speckled across her cheeks as she grimaced. Why did I let him use me like that? She wondered, shooting a venomous look of daggers Lupin's way.
She shivered with anger as well as fear.
These moments were the ones that scared her the most.
"Then please, tell me what it is you think I don't understand. Talk to me, but don't yell," she began shakily, closing her eyes and willing herself to remain calm. "Tell me why you're so upset. Let's—let's talk this out."
"Don't you understand what I've done to you by marrying you?" Remus shouted, still seizing tufts of his hair and tugging on it slightly. He restlessly paced their bedroom, looking beside himself, similar in the same fashion that the much younger werewolf, Wes, had earlier in their encounter. "Because of me and my…inability to control myself, you're pregnant with my demonic child. I've endangered your life, because of what I am, a monster, and do you honestly think that I could love it, watching it kill you slowly from the inside. That I could even tolerate our baby, Dora, if it killed you? No. Don't ask me to. You would be much better off if we got rid of it before it kills you," he spat, sounding utterly disgusted with himself. Every word stung, only fueling the fire that burned inside of Tonks. Every violated phrase was like oil on water in her bloodstream. Her fists began to clench, and her jaw rooted and locked in place. When the final word had been added as words flew from Lupin's mouth that she never thought he would think let alone utter, she knew they had hit their mark. She exploded with anger, her wrath like fire.
A fire seemed to ignite in her gray eyes, ready to scorch anything they came into contact with. For now, that thing was her husband.
Not even needing her wand, objects levitated in their bedroom and broke, sending shattering glass fragments everywhere. Her primeval instinct took over, and as soon as it had come, her energy drained and she lost the will to fight with her husband. "Go." When Remus did not respond, she bit her bottom lip in frustration, shoving him back away from her as her husband advanced, looking incredibly pained and seemingly wanting to offer some form of comfort. But it was too late for that. He'd made it perfectly clear how he felt about their pregnancy.
"GET OUT!" Tonks screamed, balling her hands into fists. Before she could stop herself, tears began forming, spilling down her cheeks. A muscle in her jaw twitching, she turned away, hating herself. "I can see now you never wanted this for yourself. What kind of horrible life have I led you in, Rem? You have a wife who loves you more than she loves herself, and we're going to have a baby, a beautiful daughter or son to love and cherish and help grow, and you can't even see that! Oh no, it's all about you. You only ever think yourself and your suffering, never anyone else's. You really think you have the market cornered on human suffering? Well, let me tell you something about people like me, Remus."
Her voice was clipped and hard, and dangerously soft. Timid, even. "People like me feel lost and little and ugly," she began, turning back to face Remus, whose face held such a look of heartbreak and anguish. She knew he hadn't meant what he said, but it was too late to take it back now. And now, it was too late. "People like me have husbands who…hate them!" she sobbed. "People like me have colleagues who hate them, but none of that matters. It's you who I care about the most, and whenever you look at me like you're doing now with such—such anger in your eyes, I—I hate you then! I know I've disappointed you; I know you deserve better, but we're all we've got, Remus! Why isn't that enough? Am I not enough for you?" Tonks bellowed, screaming now.
Remus was stunned, at a loss for words and how to respond to this.
"It's like I wake up every morning, and…I fail," she wailed. "And—and I look around and everyone else seems to be pulling up, but I can't."
"You're enough," he responded, the anger in his voice gone. Now he merely sounded deflated, defeated. "You're much more than enough."
When he laid a gentle hand on her shoulder, she closed her eyes and took a deep breath, jerking away from his tender touch. "Go," she snapped, her tone cold. "I think you've said more than enough, Remus."
Remus hesitated, but gave a curt nod and Disapparated, leaving her alone. Brick by brick, her walls came tumbling down. As she ran to the bathroom, the tears in her eyes turned the now-rainy sky into a whirlwind of grays and blacks. She slammed the bathroom door. She didn't care if anyone saw anymore. Tonks just broke down. The sobs punched through, ripping through her muscles, bones, and her guts.
Tonks pressed her forehead against the wall of the door and began to let her heart yank in and out of her chest. As Mrs. Weasley was often fond of telling her, better to just let it all out than to keep it inside.
She cried. Over and over. In and out. She felt hollow, empty inside.
Her life crumbled in her fingertips as she buried her face in her hands.
Then suddenly, her mom and dad were there, patting and rubbing her back in small circles. They reached into their daughter's hollowness.
Andromeda and Ted did their best to reassure her it was going to be okay. But she knew better. And she in particular was nowhere near ok.
"Fine mess, fine mess, now she hates you!" Lupin bellowed, pacing restlessly the streets near Grimmauld Place. He'd been wandering the streets of London for two days, afraid to return home to Tonks, fearing what she would think of him after this. "Now she hates you, because you're a nasty, nasty animal, and you deserve this!" he bellowed, seizing tufts of his light brown hair, stifling the animalistic growl that threatened to escape from the back of his throat. He couldn't lose his temper now.
He paused on the top step of Grimmauld Place, wondering if it would be worth it, but he had an intuitive feeling he knew Harry and the others would have Apparated here following the ambush at the wedding.
Lupin hesitantly knocked, and when he heard Harry's muffled voice on the other side of the door, he barely managed to suppress a small smile. "Hold your fire, it's me, Remus!"
"Oh, thank goodness," said Hermione weakly, pointing her wand at Mrs. Black instead; with a bang, the curtains swished shut again and silence fell. Ron too lowered his wand, but Harry did not.
"Show yourself!" he called back.
Lupin moved forward into the lamplight; hands still held high in a gesture of surrender. "I am Remus John Lupin, werewolf, sometimes known as Moony, one of the four creators of the Marauder's Map, married to Nymphadora, who I love more than life itself, though she's usually known as Tonks, and I taught you how to produce a Patronus, Harry, which takes the form of a stag."
"Oh, all right," said Harry, lowering his wand, "but I had to check, didn't I?"
"Speaking as your ex-Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, I quite agree that you had to check. Ron, Hermione, you shouldn't be so quick to lower your defenses." They ran down the stairs towards him. Wrapped in a thick black traveling cloak, he looked exhausted, but pleased to see them. "No sign of Severus, then?" he asked.
"No," said Harry. "What's going on? Is everyone okay?"
"Yes," said Lupin, "but we're all being watched. There are a couple of Death Eaters in the square outside-"
"We know-"
"I had to Apparate very precisely onto the top step outside the front door to be sure that they would not see me. They can't know you're in here or I'm sure they'd have more people out there; they're staking out everywhere that's got any connection with you, Harry. Let's go downstairs, there's a lot to tell you, and I want to know what happened after you left the Burrow." They descended into the kitchen, where Hermione pointed her wand at the grate.
A fire sprang up instantly: It gave the illusion of coziness to the stark stone walls and glistened off the long wooden table. Lupin pulled a few butterbeers from beneath his traveling cloak and they sat down. "I'd have been here three days ago but I needed to shake off the Death Eater tailing me," said Lupin. "So, you came straight here after the wedding?"
"No," said Harry, "only after we ran into a couple of Death Eaters in a cafe on Tottenham Court Road."
Lupin slopped most of his butterbeer down his front. "What?"
They explained what had happened; when they had finished, Lupin looked aghast. "But how did they find you so quickly? It's impossible to track anyone who Apparates, unless you grab hold of them as they disappear."
"And it doesn't seem likely they were just strolling down Tottenham Court Road at the time, does it?" said Harry.
"We wondered," said Hermione tentatively, "whether Harry could still have the Trace on him?"
"Impossible," said Lupin. Ron looked smug, and Harry felt hugely relieved. "Apart from anything else, they'd know for sure Harry was here if he still had the Trace on him, wouldn't they? But I can't see how they could have tracked you to Tottenham Court Road, that's worrying, really worrying." He looked disturbed, but as far as Harry was concerned, that question could wait.
"Tell us what happened after we left, we haven't heard a thing since Ron's dad told us the family was safe."
"Well, Kingsley saved us," said Lupin. "Thanks to his warning most of the wedding guests were able to Disapparate before they arrived."
"Were they Death Eaters or Ministry people?" interjected Hermione.
"A mixture; but to all intents and purposes they're the same thing now," said Lupin. "There were about a dozen of them, but they didn't know you were there, Harry. Arthur heard a rumor that they tried to torture your whereabouts out of Scrimgeour before they killed him; if it's true, he didn't give you away."
Harry looked at Ron and Hermione; their expressions reflected the mingled shock and gratitude he felt. He had never liked Scrimgeour much, but if what Lupin said was true, the man's final act had been to try to protect Harry.
"The Death Eaters searched the Burrow from top to bottom," Lupin went on. "They found the ghoul, but didn't want to get too close- and then they interrogated those of us who remained for hours. They were trying to get information on you, Harry, but of course nobody apart from the Order knew that you had been there." "At the same time that they were smashing up the wedding, more Death Eaters were forcing their way into every Order-connected house in the country. No deaths," he added quickly, forestalling the question, "but they were rough. They burned down Dedalus Diggle's house, but as you know he wasn't there, and they used the Cruciatus Curse on Tonks's family. Again, trying to find out where you went after you visited them. They're all right- shaken, obviously, but otherwise okay."
"The Death Eaters got through all those protective charms?"
Harry asked, remembering how effective these had been on the night he had crashed in Tonks's parents' garden. "What you've got to realize, Harry, is that the Death Eaters have got the full might of the Ministry on their side now," said Lupin. "They've got the power to perform brutal spells without fear of identification or arrest. They managed to penetrate every defensive spell we'd cast against them, and once inside, they were completely open about why they'd come."
"And are they bothering to give an excuse for torturing Harry's whereabouts out of people?" asked Hermione, an edge to her voice.
"Well," Lupin said. He hesitated, then pulled out a folded copy of the Daily Prophet. "Here," he said, pushing it across the table to Harry, "you'll know sooner or later anyway. That's their pretext for going after you."
Harry smoothed out the paper. A huge photograph of his own face filled the front page. He read the headline over it:
WANTED FOR QUESTIONING ABOUT THE DEATH OF ALBUS DUMBLEDORE Ron and Hermione gave roars of outrage, but Harry said nothing. He pushed the newspaper away; he did not want to read anymore: He knew what it would say. Nobody but those who had been on top of the tower when Dumbledore died knew who had really killed him and, as Rita Skeeter had already told the Wizarding world, Harry had been seen running from the place moments after Dumbledore had fallen. "I'm sorry, Harry," Lupin said.
"So, Death Eaters have taken over the Daily Prophet too?" asked Hermione furiously.
Lupin nodded.
"But surely people realize what's going on?"
"The coup has been smooth and virtually silent," said Lupin. "The official version of Scrimgeour's murder is that he resigned; he has been replaced by Pius Thicknesse, who is under the Imperius Curse."
"Why didn't Voldemort declare himself Minister of Magic?" asked Ron.
Lupin laughed, a short, bark-like laugh. "He doesn't need to, Ron. Effectively, he is the Minister, but why should he sit behind a desk at the Ministry? His puppet, Thicknesse, is taking care of everyday business, leaving Voldemort free to extend his power beyond the Ministry." "Naturally many people have deduced what has happened: There has been such a dramatic change in Ministry policy in the last few days, and many are whispering that Voldemort must be behind it. However, that is the point: They whisper. They daren't confide in each other, not knowing whom to trust; they are scared to speak out, in case their suspicions are true and their families are targeted. Yes, Voldemort is playing a very clever game. Declaring himself might have provoked open rebellion: Remaining masked has created confusion, uncertainty, and fear."
"And this dramatic change in Ministry policy," said Harry, "involves warning the Wizarding world against me instead of Voldemort?"
"That's certainly a part of it," said Lupin, "and it is a masterstroke. Now that Dumbledore is dead, you- the Boy Who Lived, were sure to be the symbol and rallying point for any resistance to Voldemort. But by suggesting that you had a hand in the old hat's death, Voldemort has not only set a price upon your head, but sown doubt and fear amongst many who would have defended you."
"Meanwhile, the Ministry has started moving against Muggle-borns."
Lupin pointed at the Daily Prophet. "Look at page two."
Hermione turned the pages with much the same expression of distaste she had when handling Secrets of the Darkest Art. "Muggle-born Register!" she read aloud. "'The Ministry of Magic is undertaking a survey of so-called "Muggle-borns" the better to understand how they came to possess magical secrets. "'Recent research undertaken by the Department of Mysteries reveals that magic can only be passed from person to person when Wizards reproduce. Where no proven Wizarding ancestry exists, therefore, the so-called Muggle-born is likely to have obtained magical power by theft or force. "'The Ministry is determined to root out such usurpers of magical power, and to this end has issued an invitation to every so-called Muggle-born to present themselves for interview by the newly appointed Muggle-born Registration Commission.'"
"People won't let this happen," said Ron.
"It is happening, Ron," said Lupin wearily, pinching the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger. He sounded absolutely exhausted and at his wit's end. "Muggle-borns are being rounded up as we speak."
"But how are they supposed to have 'stolen' magic?" said Ron. "It's mental, if you could steal magic there wouldn't be any Squibs, would there?"
"I know," said Lupin. "Nevertheless, unless you can prove that you have at least one close Wizarding relative, you are now deemed to have obtained your magical power illegally and must suffer the punishment."
Ron glanced at Hermione, then said, "What if purebloods and halfbloods swear a Muggle-born's part of their family? I'll tell everyone Hermione's my cousin- "
Hermione covered Ron's hand with hers and squeezed it. "Thank you, Ron, but I couldn't let you-"
"You won't have a choice," said Ron fiercely, gripping her hand back. "I'll teach you my family tree so you can answer questions on it."
Hermione gave a shaky laugh. "Ron, as we're on the run with Harry Potter, the most wanted person in the country, I don't think it matters. If I was going back to school, it would be different. What's Voldemort planning for Hogwarts?" she asked Lupin.
"Attendance is now compulsory for every young witch and wizard," he replied. "That was announced yesterday. It's a change, because it was never obligatory before. Of course, nearly every witch and wizard in Britain has been educated at Hogwarts, but their parents had the right to teach them at home or send them abroad if they preferred. This way, Voldemort will have the whole Wizarding population under his eye from a young age. And it's also another way of weeding out Muggle-borns, because students must be given Blood Status, meaning that they have proven to the Ministry that they are of Wizard descent before they are allowed to attend."
Harry felt sickened and angry: At this moment, excited eleven-year-olds would be poring over stacks of newly purchased spell-books, unaware that they would never see Hogwarts, perhaps never see their families again either. "It's... it's..." he muttered, struggling to find words that did justice to the horror of his thoughts, but Lupin said quietly,
"I know." Lupin hesitated. "I'll understand if you can't confirm this, Harry, but the Order is under the impression that Dumbledore left you a mission."
"He did," Harry replied, "and Ron and Hermione are in on it and they're coming with me."
"Can you confide in me what the mission is?"
Harry looked into the prematurely lined face, at the flecks of gray in his otherwise beautiful tuft of thick brown hair, cropped short, though right now it was disheveled and unkempt from the wind outside, and wished that he could return a different answer. "I can't, Remus, I'm sorry. If Dumbledore didn't tell you I don't think I can."
"I thought you'd say that," said Lupin, looking disappointed. "But I might still be of some use to you. You know what I am and what I can do. I could come with you to provide protection. There would be no need to tell me exactly what you were up to."
Harry hesitated. It was a very tempting offer, though how they would be able to keep their mission secret from Lupin if he were with them all the time he could not imagine.
Hermione, however, looked puzzled. "But what about Tonks?" she asked.
"What about her?" said Lupin. His tone was clipped and hard.
"Well," said Hermione, frowning, "you're married! How does she feel about you going away with us?"
"Tonks will be perfectly safe," said Lupin, "She'll be at her parents' house." There was something strange in Lupin's tone, it was almost cold. There was also something odd in the idea of Tonks remaining hidden at her parents' house; she was, after all, a member of the Order and, as far as Harry knew, was likely to want to be in the thick of the action.
"Remus," said Hermione tentatively, "is everything all right... you know... between you and-"
"Everything is fine, thank you," said Lupin pointedly. Hermione turned pink. There was another pause, an awkward and embarrassed one, and then Lupin said, with an air of forcing himself to admit something unpleasant, "Tonks is going to have a baby."
"Oh, how wonderful!" squealed Hermione.
"Excellent!" said Ron enthusiastically.
"Congratulations," said Harry.
Lupin gave an artificial smile that was more like a grimace, then said, "So... do you accept my offer? Will three become four? I cannot believe that Dumbledore would have disapproved, he appointed me your Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, after all. And I must tell you that I believe we are facing magic many of us have never encountered or imagined." Ron and Hermione both looked at Harry.
"Just- just to be clear," he said. "You want to leave Tonks at her parents' house and come away with us?"
"She'll be perfectly safe there, they'll look after her," said Lupin. He spoke with a finality bordering on indifference: "Harry, I'm sure James would have wanted me to stick with you."
"Well," said Harry slowly, "I'm not. I'm pretty sure my father would have wanted to know why you aren't sticking with your own kid, actually."
Lupin's face drained of color. The temperature in the kitchen might have dropped ten degrees. Ron stared around the room as though he had been bidden to memorize it, while Hermione's eyes swiveled backward and forward from Harry to Lupin. "You don't understand," said Lupin at last.
"Explain, then," said Harry.
Lupin swallowed. "I—I made a grave mistake in marrying Tonks. I did it against my better judgment and have regretted it very much ever since."
"I see," said Harry, "so you're just going to dump her and the kid and run off with us?"
Lupin sprang to his feet: His chair toppled over backward, and he glared at them so fiercely that Harry saw, for the first time ever, saw the shadows of the wolf upon his human face. "Don't you understand what I've done to my wife and my unborn child? I should never have married her; I've made her an outcast!" Lupin kicked aside the chair he had overturned. "You have only ever seen me amongst the Order, or under Dumbledore's protection at Hogwarts! You don't know how most of the Wizarding world sees creatures like me! When they know of my affliction, they can barely talk to me! Don't you see what I've done! Even her own family is disgusted by our marriage, what parents want their only daughter to marry a werewolf? And the child- the child-"
Lupin actually seized handfuls of his own hair; he looked quite deranged. "My kind don't usually breed! It will be like me, I am convinced of it- how can I forgive myself, when I knowingly risked passing on my own condition to an innocent child? And if, by some miracle, it is not like me, then it will be better off, a hundred times so, without a father of whom it must always be ashamed!"
"Remus!" whispered Hermione, tears in her eyes. "Don't say that- how could any child be ashamed of you?"
"Oh, I don't know, Hermione," said Harry. "I'd be pretty ashamed of him." Harry did not know where his rage was coming from, but it had propelled him to his feet too. Lupin looked as though Harry had hit him. "If the new regime thinks Muggle-borns are bad," Harry said, "What will they do to a half-werewolf whose father's in the Order? My father died trying to protect my mother and me, and you reckon he'd tell you to abandon your kid to go on an adventure with us?"
"How— how dare you?" shouted Lupin. "This is not about a desire for—for danger or personal glory- how dare you suggest such a-"
"I think you're feeling a bit of a daredevil," Harry said, "You fancy stepping into Sirius's shoes-"
"Harry, no!" Hermione begged him, but he continued to glare into Lupin's livid face.
"I'd never have believed this," Harry said. "The man who taught me to fight dementors- a coward."
Lupin drew his wand so fast that Harry had barely reached for his own; there was a loud bang and he felt himself flying backward as if punched; as he slammed into the kitchen wall and slid to the floor, he glimpsed the tail of Lupin's cloak disappearing around the door.
Remus stormed out of Grimmauld Place, slamming the door so hard that it rattled in its hinges on his way out, Disapparating with a loud crack the moment he set foot outside. Self-hatred burned in his heart so deep that it was ingrained permanently it felt like in his tissue and bloodstream.
Not wanting to return home to Tonks just yet, he fled to Diagon Alley, seething and hating himself. He rested his hand on the rough paintwork that coated the door of the tavern and pushed. Rough wooden splinters cut into his palm, piercing the skin hard enough that it bled, but he barely felt it. Shards of black paint crumbled to the floor and the hinges squealed as though they were a warning, but their plea was silenced by a wall of noise as Remus set foot in the tavern for a drink.
It could have been water in the glass, but it wasn't. It wasn't and everybody who cared to pay attention in the bar knew it. Even at three in the afternoon that transparent liquid that bathed the ice in the class was a mixture of a vodka and Fire Whiskey and that wasn't even the start of it.
A sour and vile taste slipped into Lupin's mouth, nullifying him, stealing away his harsh reality in favor of fantasy of his own mind, a world where he wasn't afflicted with the curse of being a werewolf, he could live out his life with Tonks and their baby in peace, no worries needed.
What he needed would never come to him, no matter how much he sought for it, he wouldn't find it. He wasn't born for great things, nor to find his place in the sun. As a werewolf, he was cursed to a life in the shadows. He could try ever day, work for what he needed, but there were no paths in his life that led to success, not from here, not right now.
The ice fell against the glass, Remus's fingers sliding on the condensation before his fingers regained their grip. He felt the chill run down his esophagus and his head made an involuntarily shake. A numbness crept into his brain the way it did whenever he drank. When he'd drained his glass, he took the ice cube between his molars and bit down on it hard with his canines, feeling it melt into cold pools on his palate. Not wanting to linger any longer than he had to, he downed his second glass and Disapparated back to Tonks's flat. She wasn't home yet.
He sat in the pit that had become his world, the only decorations his own nail marks on the walls he could not scale. Though he knew there was light at the top, it felt like it was a million miles away, and were it not for Tonks being down here with him, Remus felt like he wouldn't try to.
Every time he reached out with love to someone up there, someone he hoped could throw him a rope, the floor sank a little lower, jolting his body as it stops, crushing Remus with a new pain, another abandonment.
First it had been James and Lily, and then Sirius. And now his Dora…
As he glanced around her empty apartment flat, he realized that perhaps now it was time for him to realize that he wasn't himself he was supposed to get out, but his wife. And so, he let himself become accustomed to the darkness that Tonks had dwelled in for the last few months and see that intermingled with the marks of his own nails were hers too, older though, the blood long dried. And then, Remus knew it.
She gave up because there was nothing for her to do and that the best day of her life was when Remus fell into that dark pit with her, the day they lost their first child, their tears running together. "I'll get you out."
He did not know where this sudden, fierce determination was coming from, but Harry Potter's words lingered in his head, refusing to part from his thoughts, almost taunting him. You reckon James would tell you to go abandon your kid to go on an adventure with us? You're a coward!
Remus felt a surge of determination course through his veins, though he wasn't sure if it was loyalty to his wife or a fierce protectiveness.
Maybe both. "I'm going to get you out, Dora. I promise. If it's the last thing I ever do, I will," he whispered to no one in particular, though he hoped that she could hear him somehow, whether she was out running errands or over at her parents' house. "Because…that's how I know I can love you like I was meant to, that I can put you and our baby first, even when my own winter is at its darkest. I love you, sweetheart. I really do."
This is how he knew who he was at his core, that even this despairing pain he was feeling could be seen as a gift, a chance to know what he, Remus John Lupin, was really made of, to earn his own respect, after all.
A flash of white caught his eye as he wandered the living room of their flat. Frowning, he held it up. It looked like a bottle of pills.
He realized what it was, and his heart immediately sank to the pit of his stomach, just as a loud crack outside Tonks's front door told Remus she was home. Swallowing nervously, his fingers curled into a fist around the bottle as she threw open the door and dropped her bag onto the sofa.
When she finally found her voice again, Tonks sounded defeated.
"You came back." Her voice was flat, emotionless. "Why?"
"I…" Remus looked away sharply, his eye behind its lid twitching involuntarily. "I was wrong, Dora. To leave you. I am so sorry, and I know that nothing I can do will ever make up for my despicable behavior, but I swear to you here and now, with Merlin and God and whoever else as my witness, I'm not leaving you or our baby alone ever again. But you and I, we need to talk, Dora. Do you have something you want to tell me?" He took a deep breath to settle down his nerves.
Tonks stared, not angry with Lupin, but the look of heartbreak in her eyes was too much to bear. She saw what he was holding in his hand and her already pale face blanched until it was chalk white, making her look washed out, the vibrant burgundy hue of her dark pink pixie today standing out against her skin. "I couldn't do it," she whispered. "I threw them up," she managed flatly, collapsing onto the sofa and pulling her knees close to her chest. She lifted her chin, jutting it out slightly to glare at Lupin, who was frowning at his wife, looking like he'd slapped her.
"Did you?" he challenged hotly, feeling his temper begin to rise again.
"I threw them up," shouted Tonks, her face paling in anger now.
Remus let out a tired sigh, taking the empty seat on the cushion next to Tonks, averting her gaze for a few moments. The silence was thick, uncomfortable. Unable to bear it a second longer, Tonks spoke up.
Her voice was barely above a whisper, sounding almost frightened of what Remus would think, what he would do. "You can yell if you want. Scream at me if you have to, but…say something, Remus. Please."
Remus sat the bottle of pills on the coffee table, not wanting to look at them a moment longer than he had to. Tonks took that as her sign to continue. "You want me to bring a baby into this?" she shouted. "To live a short cruel life in a war-torn zone, where it might be killed, Remus?"
"So, this is the solution?" Remus demanded, narrowing his eyes.
Tonks glared at him. "Rem. I threw them up," she emphasized, feeling tears prick and begin to well at the corner of her eyes. "I—I screwed up, Remus!" she sobbed, burying her face in her hands.
"We can make it work," Remus said at last, calmly and quietly.
"How?" managed his wife in barely a whisper. "Tell me. How."
"We'll figure it out. Sh—shouldn't we try to figure this out, sweetheart? You threw—you threw up the pills. You want our baby. I know you do. And…" Here Lupin hesitated, but he fought it back down. "But Dumbledore told me once, that day that we…we lost our son," his voice cracked but he fought back the urge, needing himself to be strong. "That—that there was no reason why—why someone like me, a—and someone like you couldn't…couldn't…have a baby together, Dora."
"What you and I want, Rem, it isn't right. To bring a baby into this," Tonks said desperately, wiping away the last of her tears with a flick of her wrist, sniffing once or twice as she shifted in her seat to look at him.
"But not even giving it a chance isn't right, either, Dora!" he protested. He ran a hand through his light brown hair in anguish.
"Maybe this is why I didn't want to tell you," whispered Tonks.
"I—I still don't understand why!" cried Lupin desperately. "You—you really think I'd make you have a baby that you don't want, Dora?"
"No." Her voice was dangerously soft. "No. So that if I went through with it, it would be on my conscience. Not yours," Tonks said quietly.
"Maybe that's true, but I…I can't live like this anymore, Tonks. We can't live like this anymore, sweetheart. I was wrong to leave you. For that, I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you and our baby."
He rested his hand on the swell of her still very flat abdomen tenderly.
"I promise," he swore, not a trace of joking in his tone as he cupped his wife's chin in his hand, forcing it up so she was forced to look at him.
Tonks smiled. Her soft, pink lips stretched into a smile, but it didn't quite reach her gray eyes. Lupin knew all too well what she was thinking.
If he would leave her again. Her eyes were lit with sadness, and the forced expression of the contrary on her mouth would have looked comical to him if it didn't make his heart feel heavy. For a just a moment, he stared at his wife, almost certain that her expression mirrored his again. It broke his heart. He didn't want her to leave him. He did not want to turn into a random image that floated in the pool of her memory. Remus didn't want to be the smile that squeezed his wife's chest somewhere far away. He didn't want her to go. He wanted her and her beautiful white smile to stay, to be in love with him forever, so it was going to be up to him to make sure that Dora knew he was staying. "Love me?" she whispered, leaning in to kiss his warm lips.
He grinned into their kiss, one of his hands drifting towards the back of her skull, pressing into her hair softly, the other resting on her stomach.
"Until the end of the world, Mrs. Lupin."
