Chapter 11: No Day But Today
P O V: Amanda Rollins
(A/N: Don't hate me please I promise happy days are coming sometime soonish. This Chapter is about to get dark, but soon my dears Rolivia will happen. I hope this chapter is good enough; it's late. I am beaten, been working on this story all day for my loyal readers. Wasn't going to post this till tomorrow but since I seem to have upset a few readers in the last chapter I thought I'd give them a little something positive. Lyrics to North Star belong to General Hospital. Greek Lyrics belong to those who own the rights to Xena )
Time seems to melt into a blend of fevers, medicines, and sleep no matter how hard I try to stay awake; I can't seem to manage more than five minutes of consciousnesses. Voices carry through in broken fragments.
"Fever is 103.3."
"Respiration is dropping steadily. Amanda's on a scary roller-coaster right now. The scans show she has parainfluenza 3. We want to do a scope to see how far the virus has spread."
"Amanda honey, can you hear Dr. Callisto?" I can barely moan. My head is pounding; my throat is nearly closing. I feel as if I am on fire. My eyes feel frozen. I can't open them wide enough to see her. However, I can feel Presley next to me, hear her heart pounding in fear we've been down this road before she knows how serious it is, she knows my wishes. It's why I made her my legal guardian for any medical decisions in case I can't make my own.
It's a ton of pressure to be responsible for someone's life to hold the power of life and death in your hands. I can't answer her, so I squeeze her hand, fearful about what is happening. I can't fully comprehend everything when I only hear bits and pieces of conversations.
"Dr. Callisto do what you think is right; I trust you, so does Amanda." I can feel Presley next to me in bed. There's a level of comfort and trust that we have one I haven't ever shared with anyone except her. We've known each other for years we've been best friends and lovers, sisters. She knows every inch of my body as I do hers, we've shared secrets and fears, dreams, and depressing lows. Some days I am shocked Aisling even trusts me around her.
Presley's always been my weakness even when we weren't dating. If we were sad or scared, we would fall into each other's arms. She never cheated on Aisling, but if I were Aisling, I sure as hell wouldn't trust us together. It's a true testament to how amazing Aisling is.
"Amanda, sweetie, stay strong. I'm here honey, fight with every breath of your life; life is worth the fight. It's beautiful. Just like you." her lips graze my forehead.
"We're Taking her to Surgery Presley, Amanda you'll feel a little pinch than you'll be asleep. When you wake up, you'll be in isolation. No one can visit while you're in isolation except Presley and Aisling."
"Fungal infection fever's rising."
"Pneumonia..be prepared...she could die...she's in too much pain to have a fair shot..we need to sedate her...
"Lung biopsy revealed it's aspergills the worst type of fungal infection..chances of survival are dismal."
"We got all lumps on the right lung..couldn't get it all on the left...starting her on amphotericin we need to watch her kidney damage her ANC numbers are up to 1600."
"She's been vomiting steadily, keeping her NPO feeding her through TPN for the time being. "Cather is clogged, Heart Rate's dropping we need to move fast. Total Isolation... only you inside Presley, and you must fully gown and sterilize."
"I know the drill, Dr. Callisto."
"She's going downhill."
"Unresponsive to meds."
"She's not improving as we had hoped antibiotics are not working; it may not be just pneumonia. We're testing her for Coronavirus or COVID-19. "
I can hear the pain and fear in Presley's voice each day I don't know how many days pass or what is happening. I can't see anything; it's all black. I don't know if I am in a very long sleep. I know I am not awake, yet it's strange. I can hear everything; I can feel when people touch me. I can still tell the difference between when Presley is sad, hopeful, scared shit-less. I know the changes in her voice from the strained tears, to the laughter.
I swear at one point I can hear my mom, but why? How would she even know? Why would she care? Last time I saw her, she slapped me and told me I was dead to her, so why do her eyes seem like they are misty? Why is her voice strained from crying? When she talks to me. "Remain calm, my girl… everything is going to be okay, I promise. I've never left your side after all these years. You've grown into a fine young responsible woman. I love you."
My mom has never said she loved me like ever. So am I dreaming? Is this what dying does to someone? Did the reality of losing me make her realize her mistakes? No, it's not my mom; it's some hideous creature I can see it clearly now. The damn thing has no eyes just two white glowing orbs inside its head; the body is all black is she wearing ace bandages? She looks like one of those creatures that the Egyptians use to bury their dead in.
She's not real! She doesn't speak; it's just my mind, right? So run Amanda just run. I start to run, but every time I only get a few paces out of the room. Into the night sky, and I am stopped by the sheer beauty of the most breathtaking sky I have ever seen. Stars burn brightly so brightly; my eyes feel as if they are burned out of my body.
Sometimes I hear and feel nothing I am not scared, though. I don't feel pain or fear. Time went by so slowly; I felt every second of it. I don't know how much of it passes. I just know it passes; other times, it's different. I can't think I just feel. It's a terrifying experience of my life. I feel helpless; everything is out of my control; I feel trapped. My throat hurts so bad. I don't know why. It feels like a hive of bees, and skunks took up residence there. I can't take a deep breath in this place either. For some reason, my breathing is all goofy. Probably air quality is horrific.
Sometimes I see flashes of light. It's beautiful. I feel as if it's trying to deliver me a message, but I don't know what. Is Jesus signaling to me, it's my time? Am I waiting on the boat to take me to the Elysian Fields? Am I going there? Or Does Hades have my name on his list?
I could feel Aisling and Presley bathing me, I can't move or open my eyes, I just can't do anything, yet Aisling is gentle she sings to me! In another language.
Abu eh.. abu eh id ma
Stria arlia ajam
Toddo no rabam
Naim na em na
Em do...
Abu eh... abu eh id ma
Stria arlia ajam
Toddo no rabam
Naim na em na
Travial em donia
Ravel a da
Em de et jadde
Nam nah em...
The best dream is of Olivia I'm outside somewhere I don't know where we are. All I know is once again; beautiful stars are burning above our heads. "Will you do me the honor of this dance?"
Olivia holds her hands out to me as I turn slowly, trying to figure out where we are why we are here. "Love, Amanda, that's why we are here under the Parisian starlight. Love has brought us here. Love has many paths. It doesn't always happen when we want it to; it takes its time. I know you dreamed of this forever; for me, this is new, but it doesn't make it any less true. It's real, Amanda, not a dream. I love you, Amanda Sienna Rollins. So will you please do me the honor of this dance?"
"There's no music Liv."
"Who needs music, Amanda? We can make our own music listen to our heartbeats, close your eyes, listen to the sounds around you, the light patter of rain, stars twinkling, the river below us, traffic above us, birds chirping."
Settling into her arms, I rest my head on her shoulder, stealing a kiss from her perfect lips under the North Star. She's right I have dreamed of this moment for years now it's happened it seems surreal. Timeless like a fairy-tale.
God has a plan for everything that happened to us over the years, so was this always his plan? Was he testing me? "Will always have Paris." Tucker's words to Liv now her words to me history repeating itself or reinventing itself. Her hands are around my neck my face turned to her left our lips our lips move softly in-sync, we can't stop kissing we keep eye contact I'll remember this classic look of bliss in her eyes forever.
Even when we break apart from kissing we never stop touching each other or dancing, it's incredible how perfect she is, how she moves, I never knew she is such a fantastic dancer. Well, why would I, though? We barely got along for most of these last ten years; I grew up dancing along the side of the road in wheat fields chasing butterflies. She's right. I never had music in those fields I made my own to the sounds of the wind, laughter from my sister, rumbling of trucks. Barking dogs, my hand slapping my leg or my voice as I would have sung to myself.
Now I hear the sound of our lips sucking and smacking it's not romantic, but it's warm, it's sweet, like American Honey on Apple Pie fresh out of the oven in Nana's kitchen. Nothing is more delicious or purer than a Grandma's love and her soul food. Liv is my home, my heart, my American Honey.
"Golden." I breathe out "Timeless as a kiss Liv, your beauty never fades, age or time can never erase your beauty because it comes from your soul. God, forgive me for my sins, but I am going in full throttle."
Tears fall down my face as she holds me tightly dancing slowly our bodies pressed so close there is no space left between us, even our breaths hit each other's checks. "You are perfect, Liv, my sunshine, my anchor, my hearts harbor. I never want this to end."
"It won't Amanda I promise you I never want to miss a moment Amanda to tell you how lovely you are how pure and beautiful in body, mind, and soul from the first moment I saw you I knew you would change my life forever impact it somehow I just never knew how much."
We stay silent for a while dancing under those stars we're not the only couple there are many doing the same, but she is the only one I see and ever care to see. My head rests on her shoulder for the longest time. I am just savoring this moment, afraid it will end despite her promise.
Nothing this beautiful ever happens to me. Ever. I don't trust it, but I want to, so when I pick up my head, I look into her eyes and see them smiling down on me. I don't even think about what I start to sing; it just comes out naturally.
"For as long as I can remember
You were there, all the memories and the promises that we shared
Cause you and I both know that life doesn't always go as we planned
That's just how it goes
I know the Valley is always darkest in the shadows
But I know that you are going to be there in the end
Your my light when I am lost
Your my walk in the dark
I feel you after the sunlight is gone
You always bring me back home
When I'm lost on the road, my hearts with you where ever you go
Cause you are my North Star
Through the good times, and the bad you took my hand
Showed up to cry upon when nothing makes sense
Oh, you and I have grown apart, but we both know if you need me, I'll be there
I know the valley's always darkest in the shadow
But I know that you are going to be there in the end
Your my light when I am lost
Your my walk in the dark
I feel you after the sunlight is gone
You always bring me back home
When I'm lost on the road, my hearts with you where ever you go
Cause you are my North Star
"Amanda ….. Amanda, honey, calm down…."
"Olivia? "Liv?"
"Code! I need help. Someone, please help! She's seizing! I see bright lights, not starlight I can't figure out where I am, but I feel as if I am floating above myself. I can see Olivia standing by my bedside, screaming at me to come back to her. Where am I, though? Why can't I reach her? I hate seeing her crying so upset. Why can't I just do something right for once? Go to her, what's stopping me? God, is that me on that bed? I look so pale, so thin how many days has it been? Nurses and doctors are racing inside the room loud. Bright lights are shined as they start to shock me. I can't feel it, however.
I feel peaceful. I like the experience; it's the only time in my life. I can ever remember feeling this way. "It's strange, isn't it, Amanda?" Who's talking to me? I think someone is by me, but it can't be, how can it be? Keavy O'Connor and Josiah Kennedy, they're both gone forever from this world. Wait, am I gone now?
Keavy lays her hand on my shoulder she has the same expression on her face whenever she use to take the stage concentration and pure joy, a little smile that twisted up into a naughty expression of mysterious pleasure. "You have a choice to make Amanda, that woman is on a journey, it's not going to be easy, it won't come quick this shit is real, it ain't a Disney show, and bitch I can say that shit cuz I came up on Disney. Olivia, she's going through a lot she might not even know it yet, she'll need you though."
"So, I have to go back?"
"No, it's up to you Amanda, you can stay here with Josiah and me, and trust me girl it is beautiful up here in heaven. There's no pain, no fear, no regrets, the streets are made of Gold, there are rainbow waterfalls, people don't judge you can run free even if you never had legs on earth." "But there's also no going back. We can always remember our past. We just can't ever touch our loved ones again; some days, we can get a glimpse of them on special days like today when Jesus calls us to be his angels of mission. We can never be reunited though once we cross over. We can feel their pain, fear we can love them from afar. We just can't ever hold them again. The best we can do is try to make them feel us, but that's truly up to them."
"Jesus is giving you a choice, Amanda; he won't do it again next time he calls you home. It'll be to stay, so you need to choose."
"Go to Olivia, see if you can feel her, be her angel. She has so many conflicting thoughts. Try to comfort her."
I feel her take my hand. I haven't got the hang of this out of body experience thing yet. She flies me to where Olivia is, taking her hand in mine, I can feel her warmth, her shaking. I just want to hold her; I don't know if I can. Keavy nods I can see her eyes have drifted off when I follow her path I know who she is looking at her twin sister who is crying softly in her wife's arms. "Go to her, Keavy."
"I can't. It's not my mission; I am here for you, Amanda, and we don't have a lot of time."
Can Olivia feel me? She seems almost to embrace me. I wish I could read her mind that would be a cool superpower to have. I can't; though not in real-time thoughts, it's strange though I can almost feel her feelings. She's prettified "I'm here Olivia, I'm right here not there, that's just my body, please don't weep over my body. I am not there; I do not sleep; I am a thousand winds that blow. I am the diamond glints on snow. I am the soft stars that shine at night. I am in your heart; I need your prayers, not your tears. Olivia, I love you, take my hand feel me, feel my love. I am your angel; I am your biggest fan; you are my hero."
"I am waiting for you no matter how long it may take to keep the faith, Olivia. I am not in pain I do not fear, we are both on a journey, I need you to believe in me, I promise I will believe in you, support you love you however long it may take. My body may be weak right now; my soul is not."
"Georgia Peach." The nickname she gave me years ago drifts to my mind like the passing of the wind wait did she just whisper it? "Please wake up; I'll pray a rosary for you, Amanda, please just hear me. I will pray this rosary, and I know at least my presence here is known. Amanda, I am so sorry, I know I haven't given you the respect and dignity you deserve, please come back to me. I will do better. I know I will, I have my moments, I haven't always felt pretty or smart, I haven't always felt worthy of you, but I never wanted you to feel like you were never good enough. You are Amanda; please come back to me. Feel the sun with me."
"I want to go back, Keavy I am so sorry, I miss you so much, Josiah same, but it's not my time. Not yet. Is there anything you want me to tell Aisling?"
"Aw, sweetie, you won't remember this, not in detail. She knows I love her, I wish I could tell her I was sorry, but it's okay someday I will see her again, for now just love her for me, give her extra hugs. She won't tell anyone how much she hurts, even her wife. Just keep the gang together; it's been too long since you all hung."
"I promise I will."
There's no way for me to tell how much time has passed, I can't say there was some kind of shooting up miraculous moments. Waking up happened slowly one day at a time. Intense burning in my throat, the next day bright flashes streaks of lights. Another day it was voices clearer, loud beeping, music someone is singing to me. No, wait, that's the damn heart monitor playing the spice girls. Is this the nighties? Did I go back in time? Crap, I can't even wake up properly.
All white, I see all white one day it's torture is this what Soldiers go through when they are whitewashed? Suddenly one day, I can see everything; I can feel everything pain, fear, the dry throat, which becomes a deep burning. I think my breath caught in my throat. I am positively hysterical. They have to give me something to relax because I try to yank the tubes out.
The next time I awake, I am clearer I can smile even if I can't speak because of the tube. They only allow Presley in for the first few days, Time moves in broken fragments I am heavily drugged, so I sleep a lot.
"How long was I out for?" That's the first question I ask when the tube is out, and I am giving ice chips to soothe my aching throat. "A week and a half, baby girl." Presley wipes my forehead, "You'll be moved out of ICU today as long as you keep improving."
"What was wrong with me?'
"Fungal infection, pneumonia, lucky you tested negative for COVID-19."
"What the hell is that?" she laughs. "Some crazy new respiratory infection is going around which is not funny baby; I ain't laughing at that it's some scary-ass shit that's killing thousands of people all over the world. Italy's on lock-down so is China. It's just starting to come to the USA. You dodged a major bullet, sweetheart."
I cough as my chest tightens, "Was Olivia here?" "Yes, she was she took Noah to get something to eat, once you are in a standard room, she can visit. I did get special permission for a few other visitors though sweetheart you up for them?"
"Sure."
I have no desire to see anyone else except Olivia, but I settle back with my ice chips, nearly choking when I hear my friend's voice call out. "Hola, Sista." the thick Spanish/ Greek accent of my dear friend Celosia Vesta Reynoso lifts my spirits. "La chica principal está aquí, son Bienvenidos, Ahora comienza la fiesta" (The Main chick is here, you are welcome, now the party starts).
She spins into the room, even in her isolation gear. The bright colors of her designer outfit pop out, she never steps out of the house without looking like half a million dollars. It's been way too long since I have seen her, yet she doesn't look any older still the same fabulous flawless creamy coca skin that has never seen a pimple. Even her perfume smells expensive. "How are you?" She slides into my arms, embracing me. "Fantastic baby girl I was modeling in Italy before they kicked all the Americans out. No worries, I quarantined myself for two weeks before I came here. I am 100% healthy."
"I have my own company in LA currently I have 100 students enrolled all learning the ropes of the industry." She flops down on my bed, her skirt riding up revealing both her flawless legs they look identical you would never know the right one is a prosthetic or that she lost her leg to Ewing sarcoma at 12. No one would ever see this chick survived two different childhood cancers four times Ewing at 12 and 15 and Adamantinoma at 17 and 19.
"So talk to me, Amanda have you gotten Olivia's fine ass in bed yet? I mean, what are you waiting for?"
I nearly choke again on my ice damn are my friends trying to kill me? Do they want me dead? My throat gags on the water, sliding down, preventing me from answering. Both of them laugh hysterically as they rub my back. "Oliver, in the flesh and what splendid flesh it is Ralph Lauren picked my beautiful manscape to be his poster boy for the next six years, yes you heard that right. Oliver Aidan McKinney is the male Victoria Secret."
"Look, Wendy Peter Pan still won't grow up. Can I slap him, please, Mom?" Aisling laughs, shaking her head. "No, baby, not yet. Not now, he did fly all the way from Neverland. Let's give him time to adjust to life back here on earth; he may just be dizzy from the lack of oxygen us mortals need to survive."
"aw, haters gonna hate she's just jealous mama cause I landed the bigger deals." Oliver and Celosia kiss on their checks laughing. They've always had the I love you I want to kill you type of relationship.
"To the gang being all back together!' he raises a toast with his mountain dew can handing cans to everyone except me. I raise my ice chips watching Aisling who, while she smiles and clicks glasses, there's a sadness in her eyes. I feel a strong pull to hug her. I can't understand why. We've never been besties, Presley and I were always closer, I was super tight with Keavy maybe I am feeling her somehow. I can't explain this feeling though I've never felt it before. This sudden need to comfort Aisling to tell her I am sorry.
Sometimes Oliver doesn't think before he speaks. He truly is like a kid who never grew up. It's not malicious ever. It is just carelessness. I often wonder if it was from the high dosage of radiation and chemotherapy he received. "We're not all together babe, we never will be again." Celosia is gentle as she touches his hand, reminding him as if he has forgotten. His expression kills me. He looks like a lost boy whose head was in the clouds and his floating back to earth.
I stop him before he can hit himself. All he wanted to do was make me laugh, make me feel better; he never wanted to hurt Aisling or dishonor our friends who have gone on before us. Yet he did. "I'm sorry, Aisling, I didn't think." She replies simply by a sad smile turning to go towards the big bay window.
Presley pats his hand, heading to her wife's side. Celosia pulls out a box. It's from our camping days the last one when we turned 18 and aged out of the camp. Normal years we would gather ashes from the fire bring back to the next year, that year since there was no coming back, all graduating campers are given a chest with a collection of pictures from the years of every summer that they have attended the camp. Their fellow capers write down special memories of that person. Tokens of affections are placed in the chest; counselors each give something unique to the campers.
"I brought this with me so we would never forget." she pulls out a photo, not just any photo though our last photo of all of us together. Aisling and Presley return to my bed. All of us crowd on it as we gaze upon this picture. "All six of us together; we were so young, so naive so innocent."
"So idealistic, it's like we really were in never-land."
"Aren't all kids at some point? Is that the joy of childhood? Even childhoods riddled with cancer."
"Girl, we were babies, gorgeous babies, but damn look how young we were." Oliver fingers the photo tears glisten in his eyes as he stares at the faces of our youthful, playful, innocence filled days. "Keavy
with her gorgeous red hair curled around her left facial check, you almost wouldn't know you two were twins Aisy."
She twists her lips into a painful smile. "That's what the bitch was going for." her words aren't bitter, just reminiscent. I stare at the picture even if she had been trying to separate herself from her sister there is nothing but pure love shining in her two gorgeous eyes, Keavy's arm is wrapped around Aisy's shoulders their heads are bent together, they both share the same beautiful smile.
Our smiles our faces are frozen forever in time, just like Keavy's age of fifteen and Josiah at sixteen. It's not right; we all got to grow up live our dreams escape from Never-Land experience the bittersweet highs and cruelty of the low sea depths. We got to live life post-cancer.
"Okay, I'll start remembering the time we dyed Keavy's hair red? Oliver's voice cuts the tension as I handed my cup to Aisling, who takes a few ice chips to clear her throat. It's a wordless exchange she never told me she needed it, I just know. Our eyes, tell each other what words can't. "hell yeah!" Celosia speaks up her eyes snapping with fire "we dyed my mom's brand new white washer bright red all cuz your crazy ass sister Aisling shot up like she was some kind of model in a Beyonce video stuttering around singing like she was some kind of pop queen."
You know I look good as f...k
You'll want me around all the time
I'll be your Cher to your Sonny
I am your saving grace
The Halo on the darkest days
Bet, you'll be falling to your knees begging me to be your baby's mamma
"That crazy-ass bitch swung dye all over the brand new washer; my mamma beat my ass raw for three weeks. Shit, she still brings it up on holidays, oh you think your kids be little bad-asses did I ever tell you the time when my precious did this."
"Yeah, but girl, you stayed down even after all these years you never betrayed your girl."
"Well, no, she did pay me the money to get a new washer so I couldn't be a nasty hoe."
"Keavy was a real character Asiy sassy, classy, funny, loyal to a fault, fierce, compassionate, fucking beautiful, and always hopeful. We all miss her and will always carry her with us; we need to make a promise from now on no more ten years passing with no contact. Each year we need to pick a place and come back. We need to honor each other in life and not in times of death and illness. Amanda, you're going to kick cancer's ass again, so don't even give me that I may not be around next year's crap."
Celosia slaps my knee, so I raise my melting ice chip glass. "Keavy always had a plan for everything she was first to be diagnosed with cancer out of the two of us; she made a plan and stuck to it. One was always to remain positive, and her number one reason to be positive was that she had a badass twin sister to have her back."
"Girl, you are bad-ass."
"I know, but it's because I had a twin to walk through life with now I have an angel watching over me."
"Oh, Girl, remember when she found out that Josiah's birthday was in summer, and he hadn't told anyone."
All of us laugh loudly; I fall against Presley's shoulder, all of us remembering that day so clearly in our minds. "Hell yeah, she took his boxers sewed a picture of Josiah as a naked baby onto it along with the wonderful message. We're all born bare-assed and happy, so celebrate your birthday the same way you came in, love Keavy. Then she strung it up the flag pole, broke the lever so you couldn't take it down, and blasted Green Day's Time of Your life from the speakers."
"She got away with it to man." Aisling shook her head. "Oh no she didn't she got in so much trouble, they wanted to kick her out of camp that summer.
"Seriously?" She nods, laughing her tears drying as her checks flush remembering, "That's where the dream of owning our own camp came from."
"Our money and name saved her from being kicked out because let's face it if it weren't for us promoting the camp on our tour, having the fundraisers we did at our meet and greets and talking about the camp in interviews they would never have the money to run each year. So we figured you know what they want to try to tell us how to live our lives, why we don't we take our money and make our own camp."
"To our Queen Keavy! To dead skin, tattoos, the sixth spice girl in our group, and sweet, sweet memories, To our King Josiah to Revolution, Justice, Screaming For Solutions, Forcing Changes, Risk, And Danger Making Noise And Making Pleas! To Fucking Life Bitches! Yeah!"
"To dreams that come true!"
"To dreams, we want to come true! I whisper, thinking of Olivia as I look to the door feeling a sudden urge to do so, my mouth dropping open as I see Olivia standing there with Noah, my mom, and Kim, Alex.
"Hello, Amanda."
"Is this real?" I barely whisper the words as Oliver looks over, arching his eyebrow, meowing, "Yes, angle it is, now stop being a pussy and get you some of that fine ass hot Mamma."
"How do I start? How can I tell her how much she means to me?"
"Girl, you already did let her do the talking and remembering one thing." I look at him "Measure your life in love, give her the time to come to her feelings she has that right. You've had 11563200 minutes, Twenty-Two years, 192720 hours, 8030 days, 693792000 seconds to love her, and accept this; she's had a week barely. Respect her the way you want to be respected by her. You'll work out, Amanda. I promise we can't control tomorrow. You only have one day, and that's today."
Right, only today, so make it count.
