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Dick: Good morning hope you have a nice day

Wally: That sounds sinister and threatening

Dick: Well then have a bad day damn b****


Wally: This one time this guy was going to give me a fist bump but I missed the opportunity and thought he was holding an invisible microphone so I leaned into his empty fist and said 'hello'

Dick: Um yeah that was me you did that with and it was like a couple days ago

Wally: I was hoping you wouldn't remember

Dick: How could I forget


Wally: Whoever discovered milk was doing some weird s*** with that cow

Dick: Well someone did look at a beehive and thought 'they have something delicious in there I can feel it'


Dick: How did the hipster burn his mouth

Wally: IDK

Dick: He ate the pizza before it was cool

Wally: BOOOOOOO


Wally: If we don't resist the call of the light we're no better than the moths

Dick: Wally what?


Dick: Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people

Wally: I see the logic in that statement


Wally: I was once sent to the councilor's office because I said I wanted to kill anyone with my name so I could be the alpha

Dick: Dude


Wally: What's on your mind today

Dick: Some animals don't know other animals exist

Like a lion doesn't know a squid exists

Wally: Missing out on some prime cuisine


Wally: How many ways do you know to kill a person

Dick: I know 200 ways to kill a man

Wally: What about the way where you glue a jar of rats to someone's face and then blow torch the otherside of the jar so the rats have to eat through the man's face

Dick: I know 201 ways to kill a man

Also

Are you okay? Because that sounds like something i would come up with

Has it been a long week?

Do you know that from personal experience or something

Wally: Lets just stick with 'or something' and not ask any follow up questions

Dick: What I gather from that is that you definitely killed someone and that was your method of choice


Dick: Hey, what did the policeman say to his belly button

Wally: Dick I don't like where this is going

Dick: You're under a vest

Wally: Hey I didn't like where that went.


Wally: Pls don't compliment me

I don't know how to react

Dick: Damn I felt that in my soul


Dick: I think

That is enough existing today


Dick: Sugar is gay salt

Wally: Lol what


Dick: Understood

Wally: Okay

Dick: K

Wally: Roger roger

Dick: Acknowledgement


Wally: Was just told that if I put a quarter in a ten gallon jug for a year I would end up with $9,125 and I just want to know what kind of quarters they're putting in the jug

Dick: Must be some limited addition kind


Dick: I hate when people ask me what I did today. Like look buddy I woke up at noon and then it was five pm I don't kn o w.


Wally: me- I'm gonna set a personal deadline

Me to me- He's a huge pushover, do whatever you want

Dick: I mean yeah but I feel a little attacked right now


Wally: The sun has never seen it's shadow

Dick: You know if you stayed in the shower long enough you would've realized the sun has never and will never see anything


Dick: Why do people slap the remote when it's not working

Wally: Why does it work after you slap it tho


Dick: I'm in no position to have high standards but that doesn't stop me

Wally: I feel like you want to talk


Wally: You know 60 seconds for you is a minute for me

Dick: Uh hate to burst your bubble but yeah I did


Wally: Either we use subtitles or we break up its your choice

Dick: I'm sorry… what?


Wally: Hey dude what's going on?

Dick: Teenage rebellion

Wally: Mmmmmm you're a little old for that


Dick: DUDE!

SMH DOESN'T MEAN SHAKING MY HEAD

IT MEANS SONIC MAURICE HEDGEHOG

Wally: what?


Wally: Those chickens are up to something

Dick: ?

What chickens

Wally: You know

The chickens

Dick: You're going to have to elaborate


Wally: Why is 'silly goose' a phrase? Geese are evil.

Dick: What's with this hatred/fear of geese?


Dick: We take it for granted today but a single Dorito has more nacho cheese flavor than a fourteenth century peasant would ever get in their lifetime.

Wally: I love how you're implying that the fourteenth century socialite class has tasted more nacho cheese flavors than a Dorito can provide.

Which I'm calling bulls*** on


Wally: 'Weird' is just a setting on my dryer

Dick: What's it do.

For science obviously

Wally: Obviously

It makes the clothes wetter

Dick: That is weird


Dick: I'm gonna take a nap

Or as I like to call it 'Death Practice'

Wally: Can never be too ready I guess


Dick: In my car at 4am in nothing but my underwear, eating an entire bag of cherries I stole from Wal-mart

Wally: Were you wearing clothes when you stole the cherries and then you stripped once you were in your car or were you just in your underwear the entire time

Dick: How I got here is irrelevant


Wally: So I went to an urgent care and I checked off the 'excessive crying' box on the list of symptoms and the tech was real confused and told me that was for babies.


Dick: I had a science teacher who also taught morse code until my senior year when he caught these two kids cheating on a test and having a conversation across the room in morse code by blinking. So he doesn't teach morse code anymore and those kids have to wear sunglasses when they take tests.

Wally: Was one of those kids you

Dick: No, I would never be caught.


Wally: I dislike being told 'it's up to you' because I am an indecisive person. You chose please, it'll save us both


Dick: Got asked if I had body issues

Of course I have body issues, I can't turn into a f***ing wolf


Wally: I got a confession

I still don't know which months have 30 days v. 31

Dick: I'm not a priest so…


Dick: Did you know there are enough bones in the human body to make an entire… SKELETON

Wally: Spooky