Neon Genesis Goonvangelion Book 3: Pointless Kombat
Chapter 5: A Beautiful Day / As in... Weddings?
John growled at the dead feed on his Mini-MAGI. Jared was about to do something so Jared it would be absolutely Jared. He turned his attention to the technicians manning the consoles in Central Dogma. "What do you mean, all of the cameras are down? I thought those things were supposed to survive a nuclear strike."
"The system isn't foolproof. We still have maintenance issues every now and then," Makoto reported.
John nodded. "So, the spies are tapping into a handful of our cameras at a time. I'll have to address that later. See if Yamanki has some ideas about plugging that leak."
"Paranoid much?" Makoto quipped.
"I work for Intelligence; am I not paid to be paranoid?"
A loud sipping sound directed much attention towards Yamanaki as he idly wheeled across the deck in a wheelchair. "It's true, you know." He dropped some papers in Misato's hands, and turned to John. "I'm implementing the Zypher Protocols." Without waiting for an answer to acknowledgement, he spun and wheeled to the doors with another loud sip from his mug.
"Aren't you going to send aid to pilot Waddell?" Maya asked.
John shook his head. "No. We need to clear these alarm signals from our systems and verify that he's done screwing around before we let people back into their homes. Let's do our jobs and let Jared do his."
"You really don't want me to try out this new targeting system on him?" Andy asked over a handy comm line.
"For the last time, no!"
Jared kicked his feet as the massive man lifted him from the ground by his neck. He wasted a second clawing at the hand around his neck, then pointed an open palm at the tall man's head. A light flashed from his balm, outshining the sun several times over. The huge man screamed, dropped Jared, and covered his eyes. "YOU SON OF A BITCH!"
Puzzled shouts and similar cries of agony echoed the man's sentiments, while a block away Jared was at a dead sprint with Kensuke behind him flapping like a flag in a tornado. At the sound of several gunshots, the goon veered into a nearby construction site, stopping behind some massive earth-moving contraption painted hazard yellow that probably weighed more than an apartment building.
Which he then lifted and threw at the gang three blocks away, up a hill.
"Do you even need an Eva to fight Angels?!" Kensuke shrieked.
The earth mover crashed down on top of the idling Chevelle, missing exactly every one of the gang members.
Jared's face froze in horror.
"Dude, you just fucked up your-" A hand stopped Kensuke from continuing.
"Stop. Just... don't." Waddell lowered his hand and sighed. "I should have just jumped in the car. This whole situation is just... off. Making me sloppy. Not a good sign." He didn't look as several of the gang members, not armed with projectile weapons, dropped into familiar stances and fired a few ki blasts at the pilots. Absently, he smacked away the attacks with one hand, the other scratching his chin thoughtfully.
Kensuke peeled his jaw off of the dirt, put his eyes back in his head, and forced his heart out of his throat and back into his chest, swallowing a string of incoherent curses in favor of tapping Jared on the shoulder. His shaking digit hammered out a morse code. WE ARE GOING TO DIE HERE STOP FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE DO NOT LET THEM COME ANY CLOSER STOP ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS PILOT AN EVANGELION STOP I DO NOT DESERVE THIS STOP.
Jared spun around and pushed Kensuke behind a large concrete wall. Bullets and ki blasts bounced off of the cover as the goon pointed out the next piece of protection. The pair ran, Jared returning 'fire' with his bare hands. Three more small walls and they were near the far entrance to the construction zone. A small red sports car was parked just outside of the fence.
Waddell pointed. "There's our ride."
Kensuke murmured. "Wanton violence, destruction of government property, now grand theft auto?"
"I don't think we can rule out manslaughter, multiple hit-and-runs, to say nothing of the jaywalking. Ready?"
At Kensuke's nod, the pair charged the fence. Jared blew the lock off with a focused ki blast, then they were in the car, hotwiring it within seconds and making for a short bypass road that took them to another highway. As soon as they cleared the on-ramp, motorcycles immediately swarmed them. As the rest of the highway was utterly devoid of cars, Kensuke finally realized what was going on.
"They're after us. You! They're after you!"
Jared knocked a few of the gang off of their bikes with some practiced swerves. "Really? We have security details, Aida. All of the pilots do. So, where the fuck are they?"
In seconds, the motorcycles boxed the car in against the right side of the highway, just as they rose above street level. Jared sighed and reached around to the back of his seat with one arm. "Hang on, Kenny!"
Kensuke, already bracing both legs and arms about the car, looked at the goon in alarm. Before he could open his mouth to complain, a loud bang sounded from the back seat, followed by a flash of light. The entire car was kicked a dozen meters into the air, flipping right over the barrier marking the edge of the elevated roadway.
Kensuke screamed.
Andy arrived in the Eva Graveyard, pleased with himself. He carefully scanned the entire room, then pulled out an obnoxiously cute book. Then he powered up. A moment later, he was less than a meter tall. A large, unbearably cute headdress was quickly slapped on his head, a podium erected, various items laid out, and soon the Book was open to a specific passage.
The chanting began.
Somewhere on the surface, thunder rumbled.
Misato strode into the Command Deck, wiping some dirt from her hands with a towel. "Okay, we're up and clear on twenty-one. How are the other crews doing?"
"We're about seventy percent done with our checks," Makoto reported from his console.
"Find the spies?" Misato said quietly to John.
"They're laying low at the moment."
"So you're setting traps by standing here?"
John frowned, then took off at a fast walk. "Got stuff to do, you're in charge, Major."
Kensuke coughed.
Dust filled the cabin of the car. The second ki blast Jared had left off to slow them down had blown something underneath them to a fine powder and it was infiltrating Kensuke's lungs at an alarming rate. Jared sat still as a statue in his seat. He said nothing, but Kensuke felt waves of anger emanate from the goon.
The dust cleared enough for Kensuke to make out the black object on the other side of Waddell's head. Then the arm holding it. Then the sneering, scarred face just outside of the shattered driver's window.
Something metallic tapped the side of Kensuke's head.
The sneering face opened its mouth. "Not smart, coming back here."
"An accident, I assure you." Waddell said with forced calm. "I had no intention of showing up... here."
"Then it's poor luck on your part." The sneering man observed.
"Looks that way." Waddell agreed.
"Both of you, out of the car." He ordered. "Well, what's left of it."
Kensuke slowly got out, getting a glance at the man holding a gun on him. Nice suit, no shirt under the jacket. Swaths of a colorful tattoo peaked out as the man moved back to keep Kensuke well within his sights but not close enough to attempt taking the gun from him.
On the other side of the car, Waddell looked slightly annoyed, and paid no attention to the other Yakuza other than to put his hands in the air as directed. The goon's eyes wandered across the surrounding buildings critically, like a lost man attempting to regain his bearings.
Kensuke realized the background buzz he was hearing wasn't his ears ringing, but motorcycle engines. The distant echo grew steadily louder.
"I'd love to stay for some more one-liners, but-" Jared began.
"Shut-"
Jared disappeared. The goon holding a gun to him flew backward with a grunt. Kensuke had enough time to glance at the other Yakuza before Jared appeared at the man's side, already throwing a powerful side-kick at the man's exposed ribs. The Yakuza blocked, just deflecting the kick, but the impact threw off his aim; the first shot missed Kensuke's head by a few inches.
The suited man swung his gun towards Jared, but missed grabbing the goon's leg. Waddell shifted, using his airborne foot to block the gun from lining up with his head. A second round skipped off the sidewalk while Waddell lifted the leg back up and kicked at the Yakuza's head. The man was too fast, and entirely too strong, easily blocking the kick and swiveling the gun towards the goon in one move; the third shot nailed the goon in the side.
Waddell twisted as he dropped the foot; then his hand slid over the top of the Yakuza's gun, taking the top half off with it.
The thug blinked. "That's impossible."
"Judo chop!" Jared shouted, bringing his hand up only to be blocked by the now pissed-off thug.
A split-second after the successful block, the thug folded nearly in half, legs collapsing as he dropped to the concrete with a whooshing sound. Waddell retracted his fist slowly.
"Wha..." Kensuke was surprised he actually got that much out. His brain was still on the highway above. "The highway!"
Waddell paid the new pilot no mind, instead adopting a British accent and lecturing the groaning Yakuza. "You there, you don't even have a name tag, do you?"
Groaning.
"I'll bet you don't even have a speaking role."
More groaning.
Jared coughed into one hand, and continued, his Michael Caine impression now flawless. "Do you know how many anonymous henchmen I've killed over the years? What chance of defeating me do you actually think you have? You'd better not get up."
The groaning took on a whining quality.
Kensuke's attention was distracted by the approaching disaster; the motorcycles coming down the road right towards them. "Jared! The highway! The motorcycle gang! The-there!"
The goon calmly dropped into a stance and aimed at the apparently abandoned building across the road. "KAMEHAMEHA!"
A streak of light leapt from his hands to the building's lower level, taking out a critical support in a pyrotechnical spray of fire and concrete. After a heartbeat, the facade of the building fell away and a Evangelion Pallat Rifle-an assault rifle six stories tall-fell out, flattening ninety percent of the motorcycle gang with a crash that jarred bones and buckled the pavement under their feet.
Jared did a single, unenthusiastic fist-pump, then turned to Kensuke. "Truly, these weapons of war should be feared."
Supplemental Computing Center 1 possessed an access room about the size of a walk-in closet. Three characteristics defined it: Cold, full of machines with glowing lights, and cold. Ritsuko's had been bitterly aware of the first and last items since she arrived, despite wearing a heavy coat and insulated pants with matching boots. She moved quickly, shivering, while tapping at a portable keyboard with red fingers that invited frostbite.
Once the screen flashed its results. Ritsuko spoke aloud, her voice picked up by a Mini-MAGI. "D-block has no anomalies. We're done here."
John's tinny voice spoke from the wrist-mounted computer. "I guess we re-engage the alarms now? I suggest we leave the civilians where they're at for the moment, though. Jared's about."
Ritsuko's sarcastic chuckle was accompanied by the chatter of teeth. "Great."
"He'll get here eventually, then I can erase Aida's memory and skin Jared alive... once I finish baiting a trap."
Moments after Kensuke and Jared hotwired and drove off in a Cadillac, a large group of black SUVs with darkly tinted windows appeared on their bumper.
Kensuke was dealing with his panic a little better, though he was worried at how Waddell appeared completely unsurprised at the whole affair. To him this was just Tuesday-multiple homicide with a side of car chase. "Who is chasing us?!"
"Yakuza!" Waddell answered.
"Why?"
"I might have knocked out a few dozen of 'em a while back. There was a batting cage, trying to dodge bullets... Um, I can't remember why Andy and I were doing that, but I guess it pissed off the Yakuza."
"You... You started an international mob war!"
"Andy and I," Jared corrected, "Started an international mob war. Or maybe a skirmish. I don't know; hasn't been much of a problem to tell the truth."
Kensuke swore repeatedly. The Caddy crested a hill and bounced upon landing before jerking abruptly sideways into skid that threw a hail of sparks from the side of the car until it clipped a bollard and spun a full circle, missing a handful of parked cars with barely a centimeter to spare.
Jared grinned. "Liiike a glooove."
Kensuke was having a hard time letting go of every available handhold. "You didn't plan that."
As bullets began to plink into the car, Jared pulled away from the wreckage. They jumped a curb and crashed-slowly-through the glass front of a store. Then the goon mashed the gas with an usual degree of restraint.
"We're hiding inside the mall?" Kensuke shouted in disbelief.
"Kind of," Waddell nodded. "I saw this place on some advertisements."
Behind them, the SUV's were closing in, but slowly, and forced to drive single-file through the narrow corridors of the shopping mall. Waddell was looking for something, and unfortunately for insurance underwriters everywhere, he found it after drifting around just four corners.
"A car dealership?" Kensuke scoffed.
"And people say I'm dumb and reckless." He ignored the glare Kensuke gave him as he plowed through the entrance to the store, opened the door, and rolled out of the moving car.
The Caddy was only doing about ten kilometers an hour when it came to stop against a new white Mazda to the protest of bending steel and the crack of shattering safety glass. The SUV pursuit vehicles blocked the entrance to the dealership, and armored men bearing automatic weapons quickly exited.
Kensuke took several deep breaths, and utterly failed to calm down. He was supposed to fight opponents from the pilot's seat of a giant biomecha, not get hunted down by a bunch of Yakuza enforcers! This was not the way things were supposed to end!
He squeezed his eyes shut as gunfire rang out through the showroom.
Then his ears rang with the sounds of silence.
"Kensuke!"
Ah, that would be his imagination playing with him.
"Dude, get out of the car, it's on fire!"
Kensuke opened his eyes in confusion, saw flames, and left the car via the open driver's door. Standing, he spied Waddell crouched next to one of the SUV's, tossing aside an automatic rifle. The figures that had climbed out of those very vehicles seconds ago lay lifeless on the floor in pools of their own blood.
Waddell popped his neck. "Okay, time to go."
Kensuke shook his head. "No."
"Kensuke, now is not the time."
"You said I'm an Eva pilot, right?"
Waddell nodded. "Yes, and I meant it. It doesn't matter if you... 'lost' the packet, dude. We should be getting back to NERV."
"No!"
"Kensuke-"
"Why are people trying to kill us? Aren't Eva pilots heroes? What the fuck is fucking going on here?!"
Waddell glanced at the flaming Cadillac. "Seriously? Okay, I... Well, it's like this... It's all Andy's fault."
"What?"
"He's in the middle of some pissing contest with me and-"
"Waddell! Mob war!"
Jared threw his hands in the air. "I wanted a trench coat, okay!"
"So what, you stole one? They don't fucking tear up half of the city just for that!"
"I beat up and robbed a bunch of Yakuza thugs so I could get a trench coat that fit!"
"You're a dangerous moron!" Kensuke railed.
Jared gestured at the rising flames leaping from car to desk to papers, to new car. "We! Have! To! Get out! Of! This! Car! Dealership!"
Kensuke glanced at the growing inferno and ran towards the goon.
Waddell shook his head. "Fucking teenagers."
Makoto frowned at the most recent communications dispatch. "Major, there's a request coming through from the District 12 Fire Department. Apparently some alarms are going off in a shopping center and they want to know if it's okay to investigate."
The Major sighed. "Do we have camera coverage of that area?"
"No. Someone detonated an N2 device inside of NERV and shorted out three hundred and fifty surface cameras."
Misato grit her teeth. "Yeah. Send them out, but see if we can get them a government escort. There's no telling what trouble Waddell has created. Why don't you-" She turned around to see Genoni stretched out in a lawn chair, sipping a fruity alcoholic beverage.
In response to her searing glare. "What? My shit is done. I'm going to take this moment for myself and relax."
"...Asshole."
"That would be the guys that are trying to kidnap Jared."
Misato stared for a moment until the gears clicked into place. "You mean the same people that kidnapped you..."
John sipped from his drink. "Still haven't learned their lesson."
The second-story, three meter tall windows emblazoned with the dealership's name exploded into a fifteen meter wide fireball spitting broken glass. A lone motorcycle rocketed out of the cloud of smoke and flame, landing on the road surface with a squeal of tires and a brief shower of sparks. Two figures crouched upon the metal steed, sans helmets.
A tank smashed through the lower wall in hot pursuit.
Waddell didn't hazard a glance over his shoulder. He mashed the throttle like he was strangling a squirrel and turned down side street after side street to zig and zag his way across the city.
Around the fifth turn, he wondered why there weren't any small alleyways nearby. "Why aren't there any alleyways nearby?!"
"WHAT?!" Kensuke tried to shout over the wind noise.
Waddell shook his head and drove the bike up a long ramp into the lobby of an apartment building. He was busting down the stairwell door with the motorcycle's front tire as the tank blasted the front doors apart.
"What are you doing?!" Kensuke shouted.
Waddell just drove on. On the third floor landing, an armored figured burst into the stairwell a half-second too late. Jared tugged the throttle as the bike hit the landing, sweeping the man's legs with the spinning rear end of the bike, then bolting up to the next landing and pushing open the fourth floor door.
"Did we just sweep a guy with a motorcycle?" Kensuke shouted.
The goon shrugged. A window at the end of the hallway exploded inward. Waddell looked up for some reason, waved, and pulled the bike back into the stairwell. Another spinning burnout and they returned to the dizzying task of climbing the building.
At the twelfth floor, another figure burst onto the landing. He had good timing, and grabbed one of Jared's arms, putting the goon in an armbar before anyone could so much as blink in surprise. In response, Waddell spun up onto the handlebars and crab walked over the controls while the bike did another burnout turn. When the turn was complete, the armored man was perched on the rear parcel tray, holding a pissed off Jared that sat in the passenger seat while Kensuke was suddenly driving the bike.
"WHAT THE FUCK?!" Kensuke screamed.
The kid mashed the throttle for dear life while Waddell beat away on the armored man. After a few blows, it became obvious that the armor was doing something to protect the soldier, and then Jared had an idea. At the landing between the twelfth floor and the roof, Kensuke brought the bike to a sharp halt. Jared timed the last exchange of blows so that his opponent was overextending slightly as the bike stopped. The goon could have used an elaborate throw to evict the unwanted passenger, but it was more amusing to lift the man clear of the bike and watch his face express shock and rage as he cleared the bike and passengers before bouncing his head off of the wall.
Waddell calmly dismounted the motorcycle, waving for Kensuke to stay put.
The armored figure got slowly to his hands and knees, then feet. He glared at Jared through the face shield of his helmet. The goon stared back, smirking. Kensuke fought down the urge to cough. The stairwell was pretty damned dusty and his throat felt raw from screaming, yelling, and generally panicking. The standoff less than a meter away from him left him no chance to relax. He expected a suddenly violent, a lengthy exchange of lethal blows just barely dodged, with the goon most likely using a cheap trick to come out victorious. Such tactics had been his modus operandi for the fiasco this afternoon was quickly becoming.
Then the moment arrived. The soldier moved, Jared stepped inside of his guard, lightly punched the man in the center of his chest, right where the armor was strongest.
And the man collapsed into a fetal position on the floor. Jared turned to Kensuke, bored. "Officially, John, Andy and I work in IT. We're part of a special security group that's unofficially NERV's private and very illegal intelligence division. We're supposed to keep an eye on the pilots, hence our status as pilots. How else could we legitimately stay close to you guys?"
"Um..."
"So, I know there's cameras all over this city, and that tank knew exactly where we were. Whoever's guiding these guys is using the city's surveillance network to watch our every move."
"Oh."
"The only reason we're in this building is because our nefarious opponent wants us to be here."
"Waddell... is being a pilot like this all the time?"
"What? No." Jared shook his head, then gave Kensuke a smirk that reminded him of a demon promising your greatest wish, the only price being your immortal soul. "No, fighting Angels is way worse than this. This is… playing bodyguard."
Kensuke swallowed with great effort. "Now what?"
"You're good at setting traps, right?"
Kensuke shrugged. "I'm alright."
"We're going to cut their plan off at the kneecaps."
Somewhere, a lanky man in glasses with unkempt hair finished hammering out something Very Important on his keyboard. He leaned back with a satisfied sigh and cracked open another Dew in celebration. "Okay, Yamanaki, my debt is paid up. Let's see what you do with the results of your Zypher Protocol…"
Deep within NERV, a chibi Andy checked the Book and finished mixing his dangerous concoction. A gout of red flame erupted from the container as if the brew objected to the last ingredient by trying to burn off the face of its maker. The crimson light briefly illuminated the Eva Graveyard while chibi cackles echoed throughout the massive space.
Asuka eyed her opponents carefully. Shinji could be crafty when the occasion demanded, a trait not well shown to her in their few encounters. From him, she expected surprises. Toji was more conventional in his approach, but his obvious experience kept pressure on her; keeping her from employing more sophisticated strategies.
Toji didn't know what to do about Shinji, however, largely keeping the pilot at a distance since he didn't have a solid handle on the Third Children's style either. It was a small opening, but one Asuka exploited to the fullest.
Then the tide of battle shifted.
"Go fish."
The destroyed lobby of the apartment building belched a steady stream of smoke out over the sidewalk, from which Waddell and Aida stumbled, coughing violently. Waddell ran headfirst into a light post with a dull clang and collapsed to the concrete. Aida gripped the post and hung onto for dear life.
As their coughing died down, Waddell rolled to his feet only to freeze as something besides smoke blotted out the sun.
"I'm not hallucinating this, right?" Aida asked, voice tired of being shocked.
Waddell blinked. "What, the tank transformed into a robot T-Rex with the cannon where its junk would be? Yeah, that happened."
Slowly coming to grips with the madness that should be normal for him now, "Okay. You don't think it can catch up with us, do you?"
The goon dodged to one side at almost the same instant the cannon pointing at him fired, narrowly avoiding becoming the filling in the sudden crater created in the sidewalk. "Not my number one concern!"
One of the robot fists rocketed at Waddell, trailing a small cable. The goon's dodge was two hairs off, letting the claws graze his shirt. The first fist jerked to a halt and flew back toward the robot while the second one rocketed at Waddell. The second dodge was two hairs off, allowing a trio of thin cuts to appear on his cheek. Jared shook himself and dabbed a finger in the cuts, musing. "Such tiny robot hands…" He then licked said finger.
"For the record, eew."
"Shut up, Kensuke."
The hands fired again. Waddell dodged the first one, then kicked the second off-course. At the completion of his kick, he was in the perfect position to start a sprint, and did so, dashing up to Mecha Rex's nearest leg. The first claw was in his hand. As he passed the leg, the winch began reeling in the weapon, and the goon casually chucked it into the armored knee joint.
The claw caught, and yanked the beast off-balance, sending it crashing to the ground while Jared jumped clear and landed easily on his feet. Then he spit on the tank.
An explosion peeled off the side of the apartment building behind the goon.
"By the way, good job with those charges, Kensuke. Not really the sort of thing pilots get up to-on the record-but demonstrates some useful skills."
Kensuke shrugged. "Thanks, I guess."
Jared sighed. "I need a sword." He tore off the tattered remains of his shirt, wrapped it quickly around one hand, then punched out the window of a nearby car.
Kensuke blinked. "You blew up a helicopter with an energy blast, swept a guy with a motorcycle-that was really cool, by the way-defeated a walking tank with cunning and your bare hands... then you wrap your knuckles to break car window?"
In full lecture mode, "Kensuke, what if kids are watching? I don't want them to get injured boosting cars. Normal people might get cut breaking windows like this."
Kensuke gestured helplessly. "Well, what can I say to that?"
"A 'thank you' would be nice."
"Thank you for making even less sense than normal."
"You're welcome!" Jared opened the door and after a few seconds of work the engine was roaring.
Kensuke jumped into the passenger seat and the car pulled away.
Another round from the recovered Mecha Rex missed the little Mazda by inches and disintegrated bits of a sidewalk sign proclaiming the end to be near.
Less than a minute later, Waddell piloted the red car onto one of the elevated freeways. He was pursued by a small group of dented motorcycles carrying angry gang members, a half-dozen black sedans with gun-toting Yakuza, several unmarked SUVs with tinted windows containing soldiers or mercenaries of some type, and the Mecha Rex tank was back on its feet bringing up the rear.
Kensuke hazarded a look out of the back window just before it was shot out. "Waddell, this is getting ridiculous!"
"Yeah!" Jared replied, glancing at the pursuers just before the driver's side mirror was shot off. "And I still don't have my sword!"
"I thought we were going back to NERV."
"Should be an elevator around here..." Waddell's Mini-MAGI beeped. He slammed on the breaks. "HERE!"
Once the car had come to a halt, Jared stepped out and casually kicked an overly-enthusiastic gang member in the groin as the man got too close. He pointed at the crowd quickly surrounding the car warningly. "It's time for me and my fellow pilot to make our escape. You'd all best stand down."
The reply was a slow clap.
A Dramatic Wind blew away the dust kicked up by the rapid halt of the posse that had been chasing the Evangelion pilots-though whether that was dust and how would it come to be on an essentially new freeway was a bit of a mystery-to reveal a tall man wearing a dark trench coat and a fedora.
The figure came to a stop a dozen paces from Waddell, and stopped clapping mockingly, dropping his hands into the pockets of his coat. The head tilted back to reveal a rather ordinary looking face behind a stylish pair of glasses. "Mister Waddell! You have caused... so much trouble today!"
"And this is different than every other day?" Waddell asked incredulously.
"Indeed!"
Waddell and Aida exchanged looks that clearly expressed their opinion of the sanity of the new man.
Ignoring the looks, "But I planned for everything... that is why they call me The Planner!" The man extracted his hands from his pockets to show off a chinese finger trap. "I can construct traps from which no-one escapes!"
"...Okay. You really planned on me blowing up large chunks of the city?"
The man smiled. "Oh, I counted on it, in fact! And now, you have been defeated!" He jerked left and right for a moment, until Kensuke realized the man had gotten trapped in his own chinese finger trap.
Waddell looked around. "Well, your men do have me surrounded... those poor bastards."
"Don't worry about them! Their purpose was to herd you here, where I am!" The Planner smiled like a salesman closing in for the kill. "You are a reasonable man, are you not?"
"I've been accused of it on occasion." Jared answered in a way that implied he took it as an insult.
"Your fellow pilot can go. I know all of your tricks, and I am merely making an offer now." Beside The Planner, a column of smoke had slowly blown into place, and on cue, solidified into a massive, imposing black figure with burning coals for eyes. His very presence promised violence beyond comprehension.
"Ninja-chan!" Jared's voice came from a Waddell-shaped dust cloud. All eyes shifted to the corporeal Jared, standing two meters from the tall figure, spine bent nearly in two as the point of a superbly-made katana tickled the skin covering his adam's apple. "So... so good to see you! Wait! I'm not supposed to see you!" He gave the huge figure an exaggerated, obvious wink.
Suddenly Jared was back in his previous position five meters away from The Planner and the Ninja Master. He coughed 'discreetly' into one palm as if nothing happened. "What are your terms?"
The Planner shrugged, pretending he meant to have his fingers locked into a chinese finger trap. "You answer a few questions, and we don't hand you over to the Ninja Master and..." He gestured at the surrounding forces.
Waddell glanced at the murderous burning coals that served as eyes of the Ninja Master, then back to The Planner. "Okay, you're forgetting two things. First off, there's a reason why ninja are one of this world's best-kept secrets."
"That's interesting," The Planner nodded at Waddell. "And the second?"
"There has been an editing error." The crowd took a collective blink, realizing Jared was holding an unsheathed katana. "In my favor."
History was filled with more threatening one-liners, but the period to Waddell's statement was disappearing and reappearing behind The Planner with the sword at the end of a follow-through.
Understanding dawned in the dimming eyes of The Planner as the chinese finger trap-now two pieces courtesy of the same cut that severed his torso from his pelvis-unraveled from his fingers. "Only now... do we see your true colors..."
"And all who see, die."
Bullets flew. Cannons fired. Screams and explosions tore across the freeway. Kensuke huddled in the Mazda, ears covered, curled into a ball as bits of the car, pieces of broken glass, and other small-soft, wet-objects he tried very hard not to think about occasionally rained down upon him.
In an impossibly short span of seconds, the sounds of 'resistance' abruptly halted, and a finger tapped Kensuke on the shoulder. Slowly, the pilot gathered what shreds of courage he could grasp, and opened one eye.
Jared leaned over him. Shirtless, still wearing a few minor scrapes. Hair on fire. "Dude. It's over. We're going to head down a ramp near here and get on the NERV elevator-"
Kensuke's stomach twisted sickeningly as Waddell's face fell comically. Both of them dropped nearly half a meter in a heartbeat. The goon opened his mouth to say something stupid and pithy, but the exclamation of collapsing concrete and snapping steel roared over his voice in a symphony of destruction as the entire freeway deck began a rapid, irreversible descent.
In the time it took him to realize what was happening, Kensuke had room for only one thought. 'You, Waddell, are a damned liar.'
In Central Dogma, John chased his fruity drink with some aspirin. The news from above was only getting more suspicious, and Gendo was conveniently absent-convenient for whom, the goon had no idea.
"Okay," Makoto spoke up. "Alarms are all reset. And... I've got cameras on pilot Aida. Oh..." The concern was audible. "Um..."
"Pilot Waddell is at elevator #157. With Pilot Aida." Maya offered.
John cracked his knuckles. "How considerate. I could really use a punching bag right now. Set the elevator for ascent. I'll be at the landing in a minute."
"Why don't you just teleport to the surface directly?" Misato asked.
John put two fingers to his forehead. "Two words, Major: Dramatic Entrance."
Dark grey haze consumed all. Silence, save for the random clatter of settling debris, reigned. "Damn concrete dust," Waddell dryly commented. Very dryly, like he had a few lungfuls of the stuff.
After a few minutes, he picked his way over to Kensuke and tried to pry his fingers off of the Mazda's dash. "Dude, let it go. I'll have it mounted in your room or something. Hey. Hey!" Jared snapped his fingers in front of Kensuke's shell-shocked face. "I think I broke him-"
An unnatural wind immediately blew the dust away, revealing blue skies, near-complete destruction of the freeway, the remains of the car-along with a thankfully unharmed Kensuke-and one very, very angry John Genoni.
"God damn it! We haven't even put him in an Eva yet and you've already broken his brain?!"
Jared quickly hid both his relief and fear. "I know, new record! Next time I'll-URRRGKK!"
John's hand was a good meter from Jared's throat, but the goon's feet were half a meter off the ground, hands clawing at the nothing crushing his throat. "Not a word!" John commanded, dropping Waddell once the Pervert passed out.
He sighed, pulled out a neuralizer, and approached Kensuke. One colored flash later, and the kid was blinking. "Angel attack?!"
John calmly put the neuralizer away. "Chill out, pilot. You just survived a stint in Jared's car."
"Jared's car... but the last thing I remember was standing next to his-"
"People frequently block traumatic events out of their memory..." He grabbed the I.D. card from Kensuke's pocket and held it in front of the kid's face.
"Holy shit! I'm a pilot?! A real Eva pilot?! I thought I was... Hey! Why am I making that weird face?"
John shrugged. "Congratulations. Unending psychological torment and ceaseless physical pain are now yours for the low, low price of... your childhood. Check out our weekly specials in the geofront!"
Misato's voice interrupted John's second spiel of the day through the Mini-MAGI. "Genoni!"
Irritated, "What?"
"If you want to see some psychological torment, take Jared to the location I've marked on your Mini-MAGI's map."
"Great." John pointed Kensuke to the open elevator a block away. "Get in the elevator, buddy. Andy will meet you below and try to kill you."
"You mean train me?" He shifted to a 'manly' tone. "I am prepared for him!"
"Fine. Go." After Kensuke was out of earshot, "That's what you think." He picked up his 'friend,' put two fingers to his forehead, and disappeared.
Only to reappear at a construction site many miles away. Slapping Jared awake, he stood the Goon on his feet.
The Pervert yawned and stretched. "That was a great nap, I dreamed I had this huge awesome car chase that wrecked-" The look on John's face stopped him. "But that was just a dream!"
"So you say. Tell me, what happened in this dream?"
Jared took a deep breath, and recounted the harrowing tale of how he and Aida defeated the nefarious force known as The Planner.
"Seriously, he actually called himself that?"
"Um, yeah. I wouldn't write something that stupid." Jared blinked as a ceiling tile bounced off of his head.
"So, where is he?" John pressed.
"Well..." Jared coughed into one hand. "Ninja-chan was upset with him, and she cut a deal with me."
"Glad to hear it. Where is he?"
"Under the remains of that freeway. I'm sure some CSI techs could find all of the pieces."
"Jared..."
"I only cut him half!"
"Jared!"
"What?"
John pointed at the piece of construction equipment on its side in the middle of the street. Small craters and bits of motorcycle surrounded the machine, but the distinctive curve of a red hood with white racing stripes poked out from underneath the machine.
Jared gasped, dropping to his knees. A single tear dropped from one watering eye, and he threw his head back. "NOOOOOOOOOOO-"
Clunk.
Thud.
John put his lead pipe away. "Seriously!"
Ritsuko trudged into her office, still wearing an insulated coat, and slumped into her chair with a sigh. No more than a second passed before her Mini-MAGI beeped plaintively.
Ritsuko checked the caller, and didn't bother to hide her exhaustion and annoyance. "Whaaaaat?"
Andy's voice, so timid and full of nerves it was barely recognizable, spoke over the Mini-MAGI's comm link. "Umm... ah... Doctor Akagi?"
The doctor cursed under her breath, then adopted a formal tone. "What, Mucha?"
"You… you need to come down to, to, uh, Test Cage Seven."
"That cage is empty. What did you do?"
"I got you a present! I... kinda got bored with it. I'm sure you can make use of it, though."
"Bored? Make use of what?" She jumped to her feet as she heard the feed cut off. "Damn it, Mucha!"
Not a long time later in a generic NERV hospital room, Waddell awoke. His head throbbed like an angry American wielding a lead pipe clocked him one. Since Andy wouldn't have stopped without leaving him in a full body cast, "And that would be a John headache. Hmm... I'm in another hospital room." He looked around. "Okay, let's see... one table, bed, isolation curtain, monitoring equipment, IV. No clock... a ceiling I've never seen before..." Blink. "It IS an unfamiliar ceiling... I found it! Yes! I've won the bet! IT DOES EXIST!"
Naturally the nurse didn't come in until one second after he leapt triumphantly out of the bed and Powerposed. Even more naturally, it wasn't until the nurse screamed that he realized he'd been naked under the covers, and was now just plain naked, standing on the bed.
"...Very funny, Ariko."
Test Cage Seven was very typical in appearance, which was to say it looked exactly like all of the other test cages. Normally, it was empty, but on the occasion Ritsuko ran into it, full of annoyance, it held an Evangelion.
An Evangelion without armor.
She was certain they didn't take delivery of another one, and this unit wasn't one currently in their ranks.
The beast was even more emaciated than its cousins; little more than an animated skeleton with a thin covering of black muscle fiber. For the moment, it stood at attention, appearing to stare at the single figure who entered the control room.
"What the... HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!"
John appeared with a soft 'pop' and sighed. "Oh, so that's why my Goon Sense was tingling."
"While I appreciate the prompt response, you didn't exactly hear my question."
"Looks like Andy got us a new Eva."
"Got?! That-Grr... I'll kill him!"
"For what? Kidnapping the incomplete Evangelion from its keepers and bringing it here weeks ahead of schedule? I'd think it calls for-"
"No, that's not what he did! I just checked with the team prepping Unit-08, and it is safe and sound! Funny thing, none of their parts have arrived yet."
"Hm? Well, what we have here is obviously an Oni."
"..."
"Get it? Oh-nine? For the Japa-nice light sabre. And so easy to appreciate at this range, too." John gulped carefully. "The craftsmanship..." He gulped again as the blade moved millimeters closer to vital parts. "CraftsWOMANship..."
"Get out. I have to get restraints on this thing immediately."
John and his dignity backed away immediately. "Understood, Rit-chan. I'll come see you after it's contained."
Jared slipped out of the storage closet with practiced bravado, into a corridor so deep within the bowels of NERV that 'sunlight' was just a word. A tale of animal passion was written in lipstick across his lips, cheek, and much further south. He adjusted his clothes with guilty hands, and shuffled away like a convict on the run. Seconds later, he bumped into Andy.
"Damn it, Waddell, watch where you're going!"
"Me?!" The goon glanced around the deserted hallway. "This corridor is like three meters wide! Wait, why are you all distracted?"
Andy glanced over his shoulder. "Nothing. What about you?"
Jared glanced over his shoulder. "Nothing also."
"Then we having nothing to talk about."
"Obviously. Nothing at all."
Polite smiles strained. Teeth peeked through lying lips like racks of daggers glimpsed between bags of rancid flour.
"Well, I should get going." Andy stepped aside Jared.
"Me too," Jared stepped further down the corridor. "Time to head home."
Andy paused, suspicion tugging up one eyebrow. "Both our office and the elevators are this way... you forget something in the shops?"
"Right. I knew that. I should be going that way. Obviously I have no-one-err, nothing left to do here."
Andy's other eyebrow rose.
The storage room next to him opened and out stepped a woman in an olive drab uniform. She was still buttoning the top with one hand, which also held a tie that belonged on the uniform. Her hair was disheveled and cheeks tinged with pink in a way that said more than her guilty, startled glances between the two goons. At some point earlier in the day, she had been wearing lipstick of the same color that graced Waddell's cheek, though most of it had... rubbed off.
"Excuse me," She said, after realizing that ducking back into the storage closet was not an option.
Andy glanced at her, and returned to looking suspiciously at Jared.
Jared gave the woman a smile with a little wave, and moved to stand next to Andy. "Well, seeing as you know which way leads to the elevators, lead on!" He winked at the woman, who blushed and strode quickly away from the pair.
"Very well, since your meager mortal brain cannot tease out the navigation of this vast complex, I, Andrew Mucha, prince of all-"
"I'm not climbing through the ventilation ducts with you again."
"Then what is the point of living, Waddell?"
"Not dying?"
Andy sighed, glared at Jared one more time, and sighed again. The pair began walking towards the elevators.
"Oh, I found the Unfamiliar Ceiling. Pay up."
"Damn it, Waddell!"
After the conversation at NERV, Andy grumbled all the way home, grumbled through the task of helping an old lady across the street, grumbled listening to a story about her unfortunate nephew and the Yakuza, grumbled while Waddell insisted on making yet more trouble with the Yaks, grumbled when they built an improvised catapult and flung vending machines at the Yaks until peace was attained, grumbled when Yamanaki delayed them with another lecture from his motorized wheelchair pulpit that decayed into a tirade about golf, grumbled when Jared faked stomach problems to get out of said lecture-cum-story, grumbled through a hasty fast-food dinner, and grumbled quietly to himself in his room after Genoni questioned him about the new Eva.
He was still grumbling several hours later, unable to sleep properly through the incessant chirping of several million inconsiderate insects that sawed through his attempts at relaxation like a platoon of jackhammers.
"RRRRRRRRRRRRR-I heard somewhere that cockroaches are three hundred times more resistant to harm from radiation than human beings. I wonder how tough cicadas are... I'd have to get an old nuke though..."
Andy stopped his musings to watch a glass of water rattle off of his nightstand, care of the buzzing noise. "This has been a long time in coming."
A few minutes later, on the apartment building's roof, Andy left the access door with a purposeful stride. He stopped at the edge, eyeing the sky like a bomber zeroing in on his target. Next, he performed a triple somersault and a power pose complete with an American flag background and triumphant trumpet chorus. He threw the predawn skyline a huge teeth-shining smile, and raised his hands to the heavens. "SUPER MEGA ENDLESS ULTIMATE DUAL TURBO ULTRA MXPRQ^23 TIMES PI ALL-JAPAN KILL-EVERYTHING JAPANESE SUPER CICADA TOTAL AND COMPLETE NO-MOLECULES- LEFT ANNIHILATION WAVE BEAM LANCE-OF-ENERGY KA-BOOM AAAAAATTTAAAAAACK!"
Apparently Andy didn't need air to breathe.
With an attack name that ridiculous (not to mention lengthy), one would expect a shoe to hit the yelling idiot in the side of the head just on general principle. When no shoes, or rotten tomatoes for that matter, impacted the side of his head, Andy nodded. Perhaps he acknowledged the universe's silent permission to proceed, perhaps satisfied that his... Err...
For the love of God, could we have a DUMBER name for...
Focus.
An unearthly light ignited between Andy's fingers. "THIS WILL TEACH YOU! BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!" He raised his hands even higher. His back arched to the point of breaking, his mouth wide open and emitting an evil laugh that echoed off of buildings like a gunshot. His body swelled, preparing to release a terrible power. The air about him cackled with energy as the flickering glow from the ball of light forming in his hands reached a crescendo.
Then a blast emanated from him, spreading out in millions of directions at once, sending a mild tremor through Tokyo-3. The shuddering earth raised dust and rattled windows with an ominous sound impossible to accurately describe, but unforgettable once experienced. A light wind kicked up, tugging at collars and pulling up skirts.
Then an unearthly silence took hold as every cicada in Japan was quite suddenly... dead.
"Boom! Whee!"
Andy quietly made his way back to his bedroom.
Two hours later, Andy lay awake on his bed. "On the one hand, the cicadas are all dead, and the city is quiet... on the other hand, the cicadas are all dead, and the city is quiet."
Silence coddled him, closing in, suffocating.
"AAAAAAHHH!" Andy held his head in his hands, panting. "Okay, okay. Keep it together man, keep it together!"
An hour later, Andy turned over and picked at his covers. He punched his pillow-gently-and turned over again before sighing. "Why the hell can't I get this silence out of my head and sleep?" He glared at the ceiling for good measure, then turned back over and sighed.
Andy sat up slowly, anticipating the alarm clock and shutting it off before it sounded. "Ahh... Saturday morning, how I adore thee." He opined, smiling. "Sleeping in... and speaking of sleep, that was the best I've had since... ever. Whenever ever was. And since when was was the best I've ever had since was was ever a whenever? And when since was not ever when a never was. Right?"
He quickly dressed, choosing a Hawaiian shirt and Bermuda shorts with a critical eye. A few moments later, he was in the hallway, almost ready for conversation before his first cup of coffee; unheard of.
Yet the hallway was blocked by two terrible creatures from the Bedroom Lagoon. Jared swayed on his feet like a drunk in a windstorm, with one eye shut, and his chin bristling with stubble. A line of drool ran from his mouth. Thankfully he was dressed in some kind of PJs with Soba noodles on them. John's eyes were supported by enough baggage to kill a dozen hotel porters, and squinted into tiny lines of tired. His mouth was half-ajar, frozen mid-yawn.
Jared groaned, his voice raw with exhaustion. "How daaaare you not be tiiiiired."
John joined in. "What have yoooou doooone?"
Andy tried and failed to figure what they were talking about, but that quickly became a secondary annoyance. "Wha... wha... Ugh, the smell!"
Jared dropped into full zombie mode. "Unaaaauuuuhhh..."
Andy ducked around Jared's shuffling lurch, dashing down the short hallway to the main room. "Guns guns guns guns guns guns gu-the 'fridge!"
Andy tore into the refrigerator as Jared and John reached the end of the hall. They shuffled lifelessly across the living room while Andy pulled his shotgun out of the crisper. Because where else are you going to put it? Of course, it was a tight fit, but the inner dimensions of the goons' refrigerator could only be expressed with imaginary numbers. He took steady aim. "To Hell with you!"
KA-BLAM!
Thud.
After a second, Jared stood up, considered the smoking hole in his PJ top and the undamaged but very pale flesh beneath, and resumed his slow shuffle towards the now-frightened Andy.
"Sleeeeeep..." The Jared zombie demanded.
The John zombie joined in. "Neeeeeeeed sleeeeeeep..."
Andy screamed like a little girl and ran for it. The closed, armor-reinforced front door didn't even slow him down. The two youths standing outside did give him pause.
"Aida! Suzuhara!"
Kensuke swiped at him. "Huuuuuurrrt..."
"Hiiim..." Toji droned, blocking the easy way out.
"Huuuuuurrrt..."
"Hiiim..."
"This... does not bode well." Andy fell back, beating on the neighboring apartment door. "Misato! Shinji! Asuka! Save yourselves! Tokyo-3 has been infested with zombies!"
Jared rose slowly to his feet behind Andy. "Sleeeeeeeep..."
Andy let loose a girlish squeal and bailed over the railing. "I regret nothing!"
Andy startled awake and rolled out of bed, sweaty and panting.
Someone was knocking on his door. "Dude, open up!"
Andy found his feet, threw the blanket back on the bed, and opened the door.
John stood on the other side in his PJ's. Lens glare hid his eyes. The baggage hanging underneath peeked out from behind the frames. "Nightmare?"
"Yeah."
"The usual?"
"Uh, no. Jared and you were zombies."
John shrugged. "That's new. I couldn't sleep a wink last night."
Andy glanced at his clock. "I think I've only been asleep for an hour."
"Figures." John yawned and wandered in the general direction of his room. "Yamanaki can yell at me later."
Andy closed his door and sighed in relief.
Far deeper within NERV, too deep for his own good, one Ryouji Kaji was busy hacking into NERV's archive systems while the chaos above kept everyone occupied. A history of galavanting across the globe partially explained his immunity to the lack of constantly chirping cicadas. The display of the laptop sitting on his knees was filled to the brim with secret data while his hunter program ran, picking up anything that might be related to his search. When the output froze, he sat up straighter and tapped the escape key to bring up the program's menu.
No response.
"What the..."
He tapped the key a few more times before a string of kanji appeared on the screen, clearly not the familiar menu.
HELLO KAJI. WE KNOW WHO ISSUED YOUR LICENSE TO KILL.
Kaji quirked an eyebrow.
THIS MESSAGE IS FOR YOUR EYES ONLY.
The spy glanced left and right, finding the data center still empty. He looked back in time to see a new message appear.
DELIVERED FROM "RUSSIA" WITH LOVE. ;)
"Okay, either I'm seeing things, or the goons already hacked NERV's archives."
THERE IS NO NEED TO SEARCH IN FUTILITY.
Behind the words, his hunter program resumed, suddenly finding a massive pile of data that fit his search criteria. The important parts were swiftly stripped out by the program and stored on the laptop.
YOU WILL THANK US WHEN THE TIME COMES. UNTIL THEN, REMEMBER YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE.
"What. The. Fuck."
BEWARE THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN.
"Again, what-"
THERE IS NOT REALLY A MAN WITH A GOLDEN GUN.
"I... Okay? I guess?"
The last message remained on the screen for a second, then his menu reappeared, and his query que was filled with several dozen gigabytes of data. Kaji stared in shock for a moment, and checked his tripwires. Finding nothing suspicious, he shut down his machine and began removing the taps.
The specific NERV cafeteria that the goons occupied would normally be filled with busy employees eating unhealthy food at ridiculous speeds. Yet, they are not, and for reasons best known to the Arrivals sitting in a sea of empty tables and chairs, chowing down some Mexican food.
"So, no-one slept very well that night?" Andy asked.
John gestured with his nachos in hand. "Half the base is sleep walking. I heard section seven is mostly okay but our section is moving shifts around."
Jared patted Andy on the back. "You ruined the natural ecosystem here and fucked with the heads of every person in the country!" Teary eyed; getting choked up. "I'm so proud!"
"Yeah, yeah, until I beat you into a lifeless pulp and prove that I-" He jumped onto the table... again. "-am the strongest of all Saiyajins!"
Jared looked at his Mini-MAGI. "Well, on the scheduling front, our work doesn't look so bad after all."
John quickly finished his nachos and checked his Mini-MAGI. "Thanks to the Dew. Oh, Misato's got a day off soon. We should help get the pilots to school."
"Why not skip it and train them for a bit? They've got to be getting tired of that stupid Second Impact rant."
"There are... other matters to attend to."
"But The Plan is in place."
John made paranoid glances around the cafeteria. Both ignored the ranting Mucha.
"The... Other Plan."
"Oooh... You lost me."
John sighed. Andy was wrapping up his rant about his ascension to the throne of the universe, well into the maniacal cackle. Figuring that will go on for a good twenty minutes if no-one interrupts, John brained Andy with a bit of lead pipe.
"Now what?" Jared asked, cautiously looking at the metal in John's hands.
"Your turn to drag Andy. I think we're going to hit a gaming store now."
"Hit, as in hold up and rob the place?"
John shrugged and put away the pipe.
Blankets covered the windows of Misato's apartment, filtering the brilliant morning sunshine down to a dull orange glow. The pilots which called this domicile home were ready to leave, having finished with breakfast and school preparations minutes ago. Rei and the three goons stood in the kitchenette, drying what few dishes Misato owned.
"Nice of the boss to give us the day off." Jared commented.
"He's only giving us the day off because he wants to yell at us himself and his schedule was full today."
Andy executed a perfect Dan Hibiki manly forearm taunt, suds dripping from his fist. "Either that or train a WORTHY replacement!"
"That fool ain't gonna train shit. Now dry this plate, we gotta move if we're going to escort our students to school."
John dried the dish as requested. "I'm coming around to the training idea."
"Oh?" Jared finished wiping down the sink, dried his hands, and paused to sniff the air like a hunter. "Time to go."
The other goons finished their tasks and looked at the Pervert.
"Misato's got a date this morning." Jared said.
"Hey, you just used "Misato" and "morning" in the same sentence! How dare you-"
"What part of 'time to go' is not getting through to you lot?" Jared pointed at the door.
John huffed, but the pilots collectively grabbed their things and left with little complaint as it was in fact, time to leave for school.
Some time later, the group had swelled to include Kensuke and Toji, thus including every active Evangelion pilot on the roster. Some of the group were enjoying the rather nice weather and pointedly ignoring the wrecked skyscrapers that dotted the skyline.
"She has a date?" John pressed.
"With who?" Andy asked, conspiracy on his breath.
"With the first two fingers of her right hand."
"Wha... oh! ... Wait, I thought she was a southpaw..."
Jared shrugged. "Whichever."
Andy fell back a step and pressed his hands tightly over his ears while humming the Angel Attack music very loudly. A two-foot tall cricket mistook his humming for a mating call, and promptly dragged him into the bushes.
John didn't even notice Andy's departure. "What tipped you off?"
Meanwhile, at the front of the group.
Asuka whispered to Shinji. "What are they talking about?"
Shinji put on his headphones. "Something about a hand."
Asuka slapped Shinji upside the head, but he merely ignored her and walked faster. Rei followed... sort of. Asuka pulled back a bit to listen to the arguing Americans.
"Toasted raisin nut bread with real butter." Jared was saying.
"Vivid." John commented.
"What about you? I noticed you noticed."
"Raw cookie dough."
"Really? I never thought of that."
Asuka let her curiosity get the better of her. "What are you evil apes talking about? And where did the maniac go? Wait, forget I asked the second question."
John shrugged. "Who cares where Andy went? He's going to get lost once we get to NERV anyway."
Jared shouted dramatically, clutching at his chest as though shot. "We've just been called evil apes!"
"Misato had risen early this morning, and was using her time productively."
"Doing what?"
"Masturbating."
"AAH! Pervert!"
John pretended to consider the accusation. "Maybe."
Shinji took a moment to blush and turn up the volume on his new DVD-A player. Andy rolled out of the nearby bushes in torn clothing, with some kind of... secretion on him, and dropped smoothly into a Kamehameha stance.
"Nice timing," said John.
Asuka glared at the group of them, fist trembling. After a moment passed with no-one dying, the group continued on.
Andy stayed still for a moment, stopping his vigil only when he noticed a ten yen coin laying on the sidewalk. He cooed to it as if meeting a long-lost love, "Shiny thing!" After pocketing the ten yen, he caught up with the group.
Asuka mumbled something under her breath.
"Excuse me?" Jared leaned in closer.
"I said, Pop-Tarts."
"Cherry or strawberry?"
"Uh... strawberry."
"Hmm... Who was she?"
John was about to answer when he realized that Jared was asking Asuka and not him. He stopped dead in his tracks, his mind folding in upon itself right there. Andy stopped beside him, watching and wondering if he should finish off the goon.
Up with the remaining pilots, Rei ignored the conversation, Shinji was oblivious, and Jared and Asuka were actually having a civil discussion.
"I-It was just the one time!"
"Oh... but what about Hikari?"
"Whaa... how do you know-I mean..."
Jared just grinned.
"Forget it! She actually has her sights set on Sayoko."
"Short, nice rack, straight black hair?"
"How the... you've never been in our classroom!"
"I'm NERV intelligence, you aren't supposed to know where I am. So what's with her chasing down Toji?"
Asuka glared suspiciously at Jared for a few moments before she answered. "Hmph. I think she really just needs someone to chase. And she does like the guy..."
"More like friendship and compassion and mothering than 'let me $& # your *!$%?'"
"Yeah..."
"Fuck. I don't know if NERV has the budget for another psychologist..."
"Why would NERV be paying for Hikari's psychologist?"
"Uhh... Umm... NINJA VANISH!"
A lonely wind blew through Tokyo-3. Jared went nowhere.
"I said... NINJA VANISH!"
Asuka tapped her foot, looking mildly pissed off. "We're outside, you can't turn off-"
As she spoke, a shadow cloaked the street like a malevolent god closing its hand around the sun.
"...die Hoelle?!"
Rei and Shinji halted and scanned the sky.
Asuka cursed again and stomped her foot. "He's gone."
"Asuka..."
"What is it, Shinji?"
"We need to get to NERV."
Asuka glanced up as well, spying an impossible shape above the buildings. "Agreed, but... where did the Psycho and the Maniac go?"
"Wha… They could have at least given us a ride!" Shinji shouted.
Andy materialized silently into a room somewhere else in Tokyo-3 with John slung over one shoulder.
"Demon! Ghost! Stay away from me!"
The goon watched a man in white lab coat rapidly back away and cross himself, staring at Andy like he'd just seen a huge and frightening American appear in a space occupied mostly by very quiet dead people.
"That's a new one." Andy finished glancing around and lay John on a nearby table. He bent over the goon and listened for a heartbeat. "Damn! He's still alive."
He snapped his fingers in front of John's face, then 'slapped' him several times. Red welts in the shape of Andy's hands formed on the goon's face, but he was otherwise unresponsive. "Who broke this brain? ...Hell-o! Who broke it?" He ignored the muttered prayers from the doctor. "C'mon people, it didn't break all by itself! ...If no-one answers me, you're all in trouble!"
The doctor finally found his voice. "Th-th-this is th-th-th-the morgue."
"GOD DAMN IT!" Andy grabbed his friend and disappeared.
Asuka, Shinji, Rei, and Toji ran through NERV. Eyes bulged, heads swiveled, and startled looks were abound.
Hey, it wasn't every day that one of your group sang merrily while running to command machines of war.
Toji's English mangled the lyrics like a shark tearing through a tuna. "Over the river and through the woods, to giant bio-robots we go!" He finally noticed the stares and broke off. "What? Jared said we're supposed to sing this song while running to headquarters when the... general alarm... He was jerking me around, wasn't he?"
Shinji put a hand on Toji's shoulder. "Dude, I feel your pain."
"Thanks, dude."
To be Continued...
