After all this, life at Hogwarts returned to normal, or as normal as life can be at a magical school named after the warts on a hog. But that's boring, so we're going to skip straight to Halloween, where everybody was getting ready to trick-or-treat among Hogwarts. Sure, it was kind of lame, going from dorm to dorm to get candy, but on the other hand, it was the most interesting event of the Hogwarts school year, which in retrospect really puts things into perspective, doesn't it.

Regardless, we have now skipped forward to Halloween, along the way glossing over everything that happened over the two months in between when we left off and where we are now. To be fair, not much really happened. Sure, there was the time that Hagrid tried to get everyone together for a sleepover in his shack. And the time that Professor Binns brought in Curtis Mayfield's ghost to play a concert. And that time that the faculty held a rock-paper-scissors tournament to decide who would teach sex ed this year, which MAN RAY BITCH lost.

But that's not at all relevant to the story, so let's get back to Halloween at Hogwarts.

"Dude, why are you dressed up like a total slut?" some random female Ravenclaw fifth-year asks Slagathor.

"Because I'm going as YOUR MOM!" Slagathor shoots back. "Also I'm totally gonna get laid tonight."

The fifth-year snorts. "Yeah, with whom? Your boyfriend?"

"It could happen!" Slagathor defends herself. "He could sleep with me!"

"Wrong!" the fifth-year declares. "He's a total pusy."

Okay, that isn't relevant either. Let's go somewhere else.


But I spent oh so many nights just thinking how you did me wrong and I grew strong
And I learned how to get along
And now you're back from outer space

Okay, now we've got...oh shit that's Dumbledore discoing in the nude in his private quarters. Abort! Abort!


"...so if we continue down this road, we should see continued interest in our product due to this advertising campaign."

And now we're in one of Vernon Dursley's business meetings. Nope!


"Why are you dressed up like a total slut?"

"Because it's Halloween, duh," Pomona Sprout replies. "Ima get FREAKY with ALL the boys!"

"...all the boys?" Madame Hooch asks doubtfully.

"Or just get drunk and masturbate," Sprout says. "Whatever. I do what I want!"

Snape rolls his eyes. "At least she didn't dress up like Hitler again."

"Hey," Sprout says seriously, pointing at him. "EVERYONE wanted to pound Hitler's pussy that night. EVERYBODY."

Right. Let's just leave that image behind and go to the pre-trick-or-treating meal.


"...and finally, anybody who gives out cursed candy will be hung from the astronomy tower by their genitals," Snape declares, finishing his speech on safety and trick-or-treating. "Now, if there are no further questions–"

"Professor Snape!" Professor Squirrel interrupts. "Is candy a euphemism?"

Snape pinches his eyes shut. "No, it is not a euphemism."

"Oh," Professor Squirrel says. "Euphemism means that you're avoiding saying what you mean while insinuating–"

"I know what it means," Snape says crabbily.

"Well maybe when you said candy you really meant–" Squirrel tries to continue.

"I didn't," Snape says shortly. "Candy is candy is candy. Does anyone have anything else to interject?"

"Yeah!" Squirrel says, scratching his neck idly.

Snape waits several seconds for him to continue before clearing his throat. "Well, then, in that case, I'd like to–"

"Hold on, I'm not done," Squirrel interrupts.

Snape stares at him for a little bit before turning back to his audience. "I would like to–"

"Still not done," Squirrel interrupts.

"Yes, you are," Snape says flatly. "Trick-or-treating is now–"

"There's a troll in the dungeon," Squirrel says calmly, still idly scratching his neck.

The entire table of teachers whirls to look at him.

"Well then," Snape says calmly. "Seeing as you didn't feel fit to inform us of this earlier, I believe I would be justified in asking you WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU YOU MORON!"

Squirrel looks confused. "There's nothing wrong with me! You're the ones dressed up like monsters and ghosts and ghost monsters."

Dumbledore stands up. "Very well. Everyone, return to your dormitories! You should be safe there!"

"Hold up!" Flitwick interrupts. "Aren't Slytherin and Hufflepuff in the dungeons?"

Dumbledore nods wisely as he sits back down. "That they are. Why do you ask?"

"Because maybe we shouldn't be sending our students down where the troll is?" Flitwick suggests.

"Of course!" Dumbledore declares. "I should have thought of that! Change of plans, all. Hufflepuff is to stay behind in the Great Hall."

Snape blinks at him slowly. "Albus, aren't you forgetting something?"

"You're right," Dumbledore says. "Gryffindors, you stay behind too. And come to think of it, Ravenclaws, you should probably stay with us too, make it a party."

"...and what about the Slytherins?" MAN RAY BITCH finally prompts.

"Oh, the Slytherins should return to their dormitories," Dumbledore declares.

Snape scowls at him.

"I should make it an official announcement, shouldn't I?" Dumbledore says contemplatively. "Of course, I never did turn off the microphone, so I suppose this is all an official announcement, but I should make it more official. You know, give it the feel of being official instead of some old man's random rambling monologue. Very well then."

Dumbledore stands up again. "Slytherins! You are to return to your dormitories! In the dungeons! Where the troll is! Immediately!"

Snape facepalms, slowly runs his hand down his face, and then stands up.

"Not you, Severus," Dumbledore says. "Oh, wait." He turns off the microphone. "You're staying here for a bit. I want to see how the Slytherins deal with this troll."

Snape gapes at his boss. "They're TEENAGERS!"

"I know," Dumbledore said, eyes twinkling creepily. "It should be hilarious."